Fuming over ridiculous In-Laws

[fraidycat]

Spam reported.

[Mama Geek]

We have several family members that went to big name football schools including dh and myself.  We all really like to watch our team but are pretty flexible about it until one of them looks like they would make it to the national championship game, then of course we really really want to be able to watch and if plans could be changed time or day we would all try to be accommodating.  My 5 year old dd gets into it too.  

 

On the part with babysitting, if I planned to go to a game and needed a sitter for the day I would make it clear that it was an all day thing up front that is the only thing I really think they dropped the ball on.

[linders]

I know lots of people who would cancel/change plans for sports championships. I now live in the South, where College Football Is King, and only a foolish bride would plan a wedding on a football Saturday (unless several tv monitors were promised at the reception). Not my thing, but I think it's amusing to watch people who are so passionate about their schools. Oh, and most of the kids - boys and girls - of these people seem genetically programmed to be equally passionate. I recently witnessed a family in crisis - a Clemson family. First daughter matriculated to Clemson 2 years ago - good girl. Second daughter has just decided on - U of South Carolina. The angst, the shame! She insisted her dad wear a USC shirt to an event, and he literally slunk about like a beaten dog.

 

And I always thought first birthdays were for the parents. The child won't remember, of course. At both of ours, we only had adult friends in attendance with substantial amounts of wine to celebrate the fact that we, the parents, had survived the year. We did all pause to watch the little one make a mess of the cake.

 

If you don't want the tv on, that is totally your right, but I also would fret much less about the attendance at a first birthday.

[Bluegoat]

It wasn't the best etiquette to ask about changing the date, but they may not have known how solid it was.  I wouldn't want the game on at the party either though, as I don't like tvs on during social events (unless that is the point of the event.)  It's perhaps on the ham-fisted side to make it clear that your conflict is between the party and the game.  But, if they had no feeling they should go to the party, I suppose they wouldn't ask.

 

I don't really think of one-year old parties as a big deal.  I'm not sure if I've ever really had one.

 

I don't see an issue with a sports bar party.  IN our family kids birthday parties are really extended family things until they are well into elementary school, the adults socialize together and the kids play.  I hate sports bars so my kids have never been in one, but they like other kinds of bars.

 

[creekland]

Yeah, all the judging is making me scratch my head.

 

Neither birthday parties nor sports events are big deals in my world. I've got priorities of my own and assume others have theirs and are able to plan their lives accordingly.

 

:iagree:  I'm in your camp.

 

I understand those who are sports crazy (and I NEVER miss the Kentucky Derby on TV live) and I understand those who are birthday party crazy (can't say I identify with that at all).  But why one group has to judge the other group is quite mystifying.  

 

If it were a wedding/funeral of a close relative being missed it might make more sense.

 

Different cultures.  I feel badly for the OP that they're in one that clashes.

 

Being different really doesn't make people bad.  It just means they're different.  Chances are the children of each will grow up just fine.

[eternalsummer]

These people need some boundaries set around them: fast. I suggest the "act confused" technique as a first step, perhaps in combination with, the "how rude" technique.

 

Examples

You get a text from SIL saying there's some "important" basketball game that day and can't we reschedule the party so they don't miss it.

...

Confused response: "I don't understand? Didn't you see the date/time in the invitation?"

Them: "We want to see if you could change it"

You: "Change what? I don't understand. There's a party. At date/time, for DD turning 1. You're invited, if you want to come."

...

"How rude" response: "I can't believe you just asked me that. How rude."

Them: "It's not rude! It's just a simple request."

You: "The polite response to a party invitation is a simple yes or no answer so your host can plan on your presence or absence. Please let me know when you have decided."

Them: "Can we watch at your place?"

You: "The party you are invited to is a baby's birthday party. There isn't any reason for you to expect to watch TV during the event. Let me know what you decide."

 

Also, I suggest fewer extended family get-togethers. "Christmas and Easter" is one thing. Every children's party and minor holiday in between is a level you just don't need to be at with unpleasant people.

 

(Also, is it normal for children to be allowed in bars in lots of places? It's against the law in my area, and I kinda thought it was the norm for it to be against the law.)

 

 

I find a lot of this really exceptionally rude.  Acting confused is just lying.  There is no need to lie, especially in a snarky way ("Didn't you see the date/time?"  Of course they did - that's why they're asking to change it!)  Instead of the lie I would say, "I'm sorry, the date is firm," or just "The date is firm."

 

For the second suggestion, going straight to calling a family member rude for asking (not insisting, or assuming, or whatever) if the date is flexible due to an event that in *their* lives seems pretty major is overboard.  It *is* just a simple request.  It is easy to say, "No, we cannot change the date.  Please let us know if you can attend."  Telling them that there is no reason to watch TV at a baby's birthday party is also presumptive and unkind (and unnecessary).  Many families watch football (on TV) on Thanksgiving in the US.  A baby's birthday party is, in some family cultures, about the adults, not the baby (who doesn't care if some adults are watching tv).  It is just as easy, and much kinder, to say, "No, we are making this a TV-free event."

 

A sports bar is rarely just a bar.  Many pizza places around here have kids' arcade areas and also a bar and also many big screen tvs, and are *perfect* for large family birthdays for the 4-8 crowd and their families.  Something for the adults to do (since at that age parties are usually not drop-off yet, especially family ones) and something for the kids to do.

Edited March 14, 2016 by ananemone

[eternalsummer]

And finally, while sports seems really trivial to many people, for others it's a pretty big deal.  This has been true for, oh, forever, as far as I can tell.  They had riots in Constantinople, right?  (my late roman empire history is a bit fuzzy, something about the blues and the greens?)

 

For comparison purposes, for many people politics seems about as relevant as sports.  If you think, for instance, that all political parties are more or less the same, and that the whole thing is essentially a meaningless horse-race (you can think this from either side of the spectrum), then something like Election Night or the Inauguration or whatever might be as meaningless to you as the NCAA championship is to someone else.  On the other hand, if you're invested in a candidate or an ideology, you might be willing to miss a 1 year old's birthday party if someone apolitical were holding it on Election Night.

 

 

 

 

[38carrots]

Poor etiquette or not, they asked about changing the date, and then again about watching the game while there only because they actually want to be there. Which is pretty neat, I think.

[Farrar]

Having passions in one's life is a good thing. Passions do get to take priority sometimes. And while I'm not into March Madness, I grew up in NC, so I get it. I don't judge that it's worse than money or time I've spent on travel, books, art supplies, etc. And I think it's good to sometimes ditch some commitments for your passions. A first birthday isn't a huge deal in every family.

 

The assumption that the 4 yo couldn't possibly have chosen the sports bar or think it will be fun is so bizarre to me. Kids share their parents interests and values at that age most of the time. She probably thinks it's fine. And for all we know, her parents are honoring her individual interests in other ways at other times. The people who feel so sorry for her because she's so unloved are really confusing to me. Seriously? And the sexism in pointing out that she's a girl!

[Garga]

I really hate sports.  I detest sports.  Just hearing a tv with sports on it makes my blood pressure go up.

 

However, I love Doctor Who.  And when the 50th anniversary episode aired, some friends also had a party that day. No one understood why I completely did NOT want to go to the party and wanted to watch Doctor Who instead.  But the Doctor Who thing was a world wide event.  People all around the world were watching all at the same time.  (It turned out that the party and the show were at different times and I was able to go to both.)

 

If it had been family and not friends having the party, I'd have asked whether they could change the date.  Because I would have trusted that they still loved me, even with my Doctor Who quirk and wouldn't judge me harshly, and I'd have hoped that they would be understanding that I was torn in two directions. If they said no, then they said no and I'd have had to choose.  I mean, I can't call the BBC and have them change the airing date of the Dr. Who ep, but maybe the party could be changed. 

 

I wouldn't have asked friends to change the date but I would have asked family.  I guess I feel that you can be open and honest with family and just ask.  I would have figured the worst that would happen is that they say no.  I guess I'm wrong. I guess the worst that can happen is that they get completely offended and consider never hanging out with me again. 

 

I wouldn't have asked friends, but I would have asked family.

 

[JustEm]

It was rude to ask you to change the date of the party you are hosting. But it is equally rude of you to judge their decision to have a party for their child at a sports bar.

 

I hate watching sports and my kids would hate it as well but they'd love having a party at a sports bar. That would mean they could order whatever on the menu and get a soda! That is a huge deal for my kids because we don't eat out often. Besides little kid birthday parties are really not that big of a deal. Most kids are happy with gifts and cake. The location generally doesn't matter.

[Tammyla]

Your post makes me miss the old days...You know when it was considered rude to respond to a party invitation with a counter offer.  

 

:grouphug: Enjoy your birthday celebration :party: .  Attend the sports bar one if it works for you, or you could snarky-like ask them to have it at a location of your choosing :lol: .

Oh, and I would have said turning the tv on was ok; knowing we didn't have cable Kwim :leaving: ?

Edited March 14, 2016 by Tammyla

[MSNative]

I'm thinking there is a whole lot more backstory to this that we aren't getting, nor do I expect OP to provide it. The whole MiL calling DH an a-hole is more than enough to know that things are pretty toxic. Plus I think we are missing the tone of the interactions which can communicate a lot. (I have some issues/past history with some family members that color all of my dealings with them.) So OP, I agree with others that this particular issue doesn't seem like a big deal but I can totally see how something like this can be a big deal when lumped on to past history. Hugs. Family can be funny. Do what works for your immediate family and stay kind and polite if there are any repercussions.

[creekland]

I'm thinking there is a whole lot more backstory to this that we aren't getting, 

 

I dunno.  This whole issue screams to me that both sides expect the other side to be wired the same way they are with likes/dislikes/preferences, etc and are adamant about their way being the only right way.  When this isn't happening, evil thoughts are not only born, but fed.

 

It's never a happy ending when that happens.

 

The sad part is it's an evil monster being built over nothing - just pure human differences that are perfectly fine.

 

The only way to fix these sorts of things are for one side or the other to change (if a deference rather than a true internal change that's not a complete fix - it's a band aid that leaves a wound festering), or for both sides to figure out that life is fine when we have differences.  Differences don't = bad.  We can still be great friends.

 

Fixes can happen, but are rare TBH.  Humans are pretty dead set that the way they've chosen is THE way.

[zoobie]

DVRing sporting events is not a lot of fun and often leads to spoilers.

 

And I'm sorry, a tv in a background at a 1 year old's party doesn't ruin the day.

Depends on who's watching. The people who yell and get upset at the game? That's not welcome at a little kid's party in my home. The TV is in the main space here, so there's nowhere to have it on in the "background." It would become the focus. Plus, it is rude to demand that someone else turn on their TV. From what OP has said, they're going to be glued to the game and not interacting with family.

 

DH and now DS get very into sports. I get that part. The rudeness I see in OP's issue is the IL's demanding and inappropriate behavior as in the Christmas gathering she described. Treating people like crap is wholly separate from being a sports fan.

 

I maintain I wouldn't host a 4 yr old birthday party in a sports bar during a big event. They get LOUD and raucous. It's a much more decidedly adult atmosphere. It's crowded. (Maybe there are fancier ones that take reservations?) There are family members and other little kids coming who aren't into sports. The focus will be the big game, not the child. If only your immediate family is into the game, watch the game and host a family gathering separately so family can actually see and interact with each other.

[bolt.]

I find a lot of this really exceptionally rude. Acting confused is just lying. There is no need to lie, especially in a snarky way ("Didn't you see the date/time?" Of course they did - that's why they're asking to change it!) Instead of the lie I would say, "I'm sorry, the date is firm," or just "The date is firm."

 

For the second suggestion, going straight to calling a family member rude for asking (not insisting, or assuming, or whatever) if the date is flexible due to an event that in *their* lives seems pretty major is overboard. It *is* just a simple request. It is easy to say, "No, we cannot change the date. Please let us know if you can attend." Telling them that there is no reason to watch TV at a baby's birthday party is also presumptive and unkind (and unnecessary). Many families watch football (on TV) on Thanksgiving in the US. A baby's birthday party is, in some family cultures, about the adults, not the baby (who doesn't care if some adults are watching tv). It is just as easy, and much kinder, to say, "No, we are making this a TV-free event."

 

A sports bar is rarely just a bar. Many pizza places around here have kids' arcade areas and also a bar and also many big screen tvs, and are *perfect* for large family birthdays for the 4-8 crowd and their families. Something for the adults to do (since at that age parties are usually not drop-off yet, especially family ones) and something for the kids to do.

It's fine for you to prefer to relate in different ways. It's good to provide the OP with different options, since her comfort levels may be closer to yours than mine. The direct insults and accusations you have levelled against me are unwelcome. How about I help in my ways and you help in your ways?

[eternalsummer]

I dunno.  This whole issue screams to me that both sides expect the other side to be wired the same way they are with likes/dislikes/preferences, etc and are adamant about their way being the only right way.  When this isn't happening, evil thoughts are not only born, but fed.

 

It's never a happy ending when that happens.

 

The sad part is it's an evil monster being built over nothing - just pure human differences that are perfectly fine.

 

The only way to fix these sorts of things are for one side or the other to change (if a deference rather than a true internal change that's not a complete fix - it's a band aid that leaves a wound festering), or for both sides to figure out that life is fine when we have differences.  Differences don't = bad.  We can still be great friends.

 

Fixes can happen, but are rare TBH.  Humans are pretty dead set that the way they've chosen is THE way.

 

 

Agreed (in this context - I'm not a moral relativist but I don't think this is a moral issue).

 

For me, it's easy to see why you might miss a 1 year old's birthday party for a basketball game.  I'm not into basketball but I spent years and years listening to the KC Royals lose every other night on the radio.  I also don't particularly care about birthdays, esp. for kids who won't remember them.  So for me, the idea of asking to reschedule a party from the night the Royals won the World Series last year (a glorious night) or saying, "I'm sorry, I can't come to the party unless you have it available to watch," sounds pretty reasonable.

 

However, a PP said something about a 50th anniversary episode of Dr. Who.  My instinct says that this is a ridiculous reason to even think about missing a party.  It's a tv show!  Not a great one!  Etc etc.  

 

But if a relative of mine said, hey, I'm sorry, I gotta miss your 1 year old's birthday party b/c this Dr. Who event is happening, I would not be offended.  I'd just say to myself, hey, they must really like Dr. Who, and if I could I'd reschedule so they could be there.

 

Now if you're asking someone to reschedule a wedding, or an event with 50 invitees, or whatever, that is different.  (But I wouldn't schedule a wedding for the day of a major sporting event if I knew there were rabid fans of said sport in the immediate family).

[heartlikealion]

Buffalo Wild Wings has a sports bar/grill type atmosphere - it has been my one of my sons favorite restaurants since he was three. He likes buffalo wings. He would definitely have had his party there if we gave him the option at four. Four year olds are just tiny humans - with likes and dislikes.

 

That's the place I was talking about in one of my other posts where I said the one I went to was not smoke-free yet. And while a child might love it because their family goes there or they have a favorite menu item, my initial reaction (maybe wrong) was that a child will be sitting at a table with adults that are fixated on the screens. Not my idea of a fun party.

 

Depends on who's watching. The people who yell and get upset at the game? That's not welcome at a little kid's party in my home. The TV is in the main space here, so there's nowhere to have it on in the "background." It would become the focus. Plus, it is rude to demand that someone else turn on their TV. From what OP has said, they're going to be glued to the game and not interacting with family.

 

DH and now DS get very into sports. I get that part. The rudeness I see in OP's issue is the IL's demanding and inappropriate behavior as in the Christmas gathering she described. Treating people like crap is wholly separate from being a sports fan.

 

I maintain I wouldn't host a 4 yr old birthday party in a sports bar during a big event. They get LOUD and raucous. It's a much more decidedly adult atmosphere. It's crowded. (Maybe there are fancier ones that take reservations?) There are family members and other little kids coming who aren't into sports. The focus will be the big game, not the child. If only your immediate family is into the game, watch the game and host a family gathering separately so family can actually see and interact with each other.

 

This. At least, this more a reflection of my personal experience. My main association with sports bars is going there in college because other friends wanted to go. I don't remember seeing families there.

[eternalsummer]

It's fine for you to prefer to relate in different ways. It's good to provide the OP with different options, since her comfort levels may be closer to yours than mine. The direct insults and accusations you have levelled against me are unwelcome. How about I help in my ways and you help in your ways?

 

 

Pointing out rudeness is not an insult.  Pointing out a lie is not an insult.  It's just a statement of judgement on the first part (that it is rude to lie) and fact on the second part (that acting confused when you're *not* confused is a lie).

[heartlikealion]

Having passions in one's life is a good thing. Passions do get to take priority sometimes. And while I'm not into March Madness, I grew up in NC, so I get it. I don't judge that it's worse than money or time I've spent on travel, books, art supplies, etc. And I think it's good to sometimes ditch some commitments for your passions. A first birthday isn't a huge deal in every family.

 

The assumption that the 4 yo couldn't possibly have chosen the sports bar or think it will be fun is so bizarre to me. Kids share their parents interests and values at that age most of the time. She probably thinks it's fine. And for all we know, her parents are honoring her individual interests in other ways at other times. The people who feel so sorry for her because she's so unloved are really confusing to me. Seriously? And the sexism in pointing out that she's a girl!

 

Exactly. So that's why they have the option to stay home and watch their game. The problem isn't having a passion (though I will never understand it, to each their own).

 

[shawthorne44]

My in-laws are like that about Packer games. It is annoying.

 

After being assured that the Cowboys never play Saturday games, I scheduled our engagement party / my master graduation party (same party) on a Saturday.   For the one Saturday evening that they play.   I then declared one rule for the wedding.   It would be NOT be during football season.   

[bolt.]

Pointing out rudeness is not an insult. Pointing out a lie is not an insult. It's just a statement of judgement on the first part (that it is rude to lie) and fact on the second part (that acting confused when you're *not* confused is a lie).

Please stop.

 

Your commentary on my personal ethics is unwelcome, highly personal, and based on nothing that we have in common. You are free to set your own standards. I am asking to be left alone.

[Farrar]

Not my idea of a fun party.

 

To me that's the whole problem in the judgement in this thread though. Not your idea of a fun party, but it's not your party or your child's.

 

The disdain for sports and sports fans in this thread is so weird to me. I'm not even a sports fan, but I'm glad I grew out of my teenage judgeyness about it.

 

I hope the in laws stay home from the baby birthday. Whether they're "good" or "bad" for wanting to see their game, the OP isn't going to be very nice after all the history and this request. And she clearly disdains them and their passions. Who needs people like that in your life, even if they are family?

[gardenmom5]

I agree requesting a different time is rude. And Christmas was rude.

 

But they can host their daughter's party wherever they want. And, It's not a crime to spend a whole day away and get a break vs. a few hours. That was a lack of communication on both sides, and is, IMO, a petty reason to not keep your nieces or nephews ever again.

 

 

There is no age minimum, nor a penis requirement, to enjoy sports.

 

What do your adult childrens' interests (or lack of) have to do with whether or not a 4 year old girl may or may not enjoy sports or a party at a sports bar (and I'm assuming grill). Bar & Grill. What is the point of that statement? Are they somehow better people due to a lack of interest in televised sports? Is it the t.v. that makes it awful? Or the sports? Or just the combination?

 

this is NOT about sports - this is about priorities.

 

when they were four - they were not into sports either. - and just because the parent is into watching sports on tv - doesn't mean the child is.  

a birthday party is supposed to be focused upon the child and what the child wants.  if thats what they child *asked* for, that's one thing.

 

the fact these parents cannot be seperated from their own sports viewing - and have gone so far as to ask SOMEONE ELSE to change their own plans to accomodate their sports viewing - makes me question that a party at a sports bar is what their own *4yo* would want to do?  seriously - what type of young child centric activities are at a sports bar? pool tables?  4yos are kinda short for that.  4yos barely follow a disney movie - they aren't going to be following a game on a big screen.

 

and how does a 4yo react when the crowd erupts due to some play on screen?  most 4yos don't do the startle factor all that well either.  and unless their eyes were glued to the screen - or are fully aware of what was going on at that moment in the game - they don't expect the eruption of sound - be it cheering or yelling. and the split attention . . . . .

 

I get annoyed enough at the italian place (the food is really good) with the big screen up in the corner playing european soccer.  dh ends up with one eye on that - and split attention. (they aren't a bar - though they do have an extensive wine collection stashed all over the main room.) I simply make sure his back is to the screen.  they've moved to a new location - so I'll see how that is . . I want some lobster ravioli . . 

 

eta: their kids may or may not watch sports when they grow up - that their parents put sports viewing ahead of other people (regularly) does not bode well for relationships.

again - this is NOT about sports - but the priority with which they treat other people. 

Edited March 14, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Jean in Newcastle]

To me that's the whole problem in the judgement in this thread though. Not your idea of a fun party, but it's not your party or your child's.

 

The disdain for sports and sports fans in this thread is so weird to me. I'm not even a sports fan, but I'm glad I grew out of my teenage judgeyness about it.

 

I hope the in laws stay home from the baby birthday. Whether they're "good" or "bad" for wanting to see their game, the OP isn't going to be very nice after all the history and this request. And she clearly disdains them and their passions. Who needs people like that in your life, even if they are family?

 

Yup.  I'm not a sports fan either but to me, the lesson here is that we choose our own attitude towards people.  You can make your own choices about what kind of a party you're having. And you can make your own choice about if you're going to fume and hold grudges or if you're going to live and let live. 

[BigMamaBird]

Your post makes me miss the old days...You know when it was considered rude to respond to a party invitation with a counter offer.  

 

:grouphug: Enjoy your birthday celebration :party: .  Attend the sports bar one if it works for you, or you could snarky-like ask them to have it at a location of your choosing :lol: .

Oh, and I would have said turning the tv on was ok; knowing we didn't have cable Kwim :leaving: ?

 

Oh gosh!  That's my first reaction.  But I have learned to never act on my first instinct!  

 

At this point I'm letting Dh deal with all the communication.  I told him he has to let her know we can't get the station the game will be on, because if she doesn't find out till she gets here she will have a screaming hissy fit in the middle of the party.  She's a piece of work if she doesn't get her way.  

 

I'm done with these people.  I would love to never invite them to anything but it's Dh's family and despite the fact that they treat him like garbage, he still tries to keep a working relationship with them.  

[The Governess]

I don't get that kind of sports culture, but I wouldn't call them ridiculous. I have a lot of family in the area, and if I am planning an event and it's important for them to be there, I will ask for everyone's availability in advance before setting a date. I wouldn't expect anyone to drop previously made plans to attend, no matter how silly I thought they were (ETA: not saying you did this, but perhaps she was assuming you thought this? And sounds like this is her own mentality anyway). Now, on the flip side, I wouldn't call and ask someone to change the date of their party to accommodate me either, or ask to watch a game at the party... I would either skip the party altogether or be present at the party and tape the game to watch after.

 

I've decided a) not to be upset with someone who chooses not to attend my event, no matter the reason, and b) not to feel guilty if I choose not to attend someone else's event.

 

Honestly, I would just happily tell her to enjoy her game, not to worry one little bit about missing the party, and that you'll all look forward to seeing her at the next family function.

Edited March 14, 2016 by lovelearnandlive

[eternalsummer]

 

a birthday party is supposed to be focused upon the child and what the child wants.  if thats what they child *asked* for, that's one thing.

 

 

 

again, for many families, parties for young children are not centered on the children; they are celebratory social gatherings that celebrate the birthday or other occasion (baptism parties are like this in my in-laws' culture) but the focus is not on what the child wants.  It's more of a "let's throw a party for the family to celebrate this occasion" than "let's throw a party for this individual to celebrate this occasion."

 

I'm not explaining it very clearly, I know. 

[Bluegoat]

again, for many families, parties for young children are not centered on the children; they are celebratory social gatherings that celebrate the birthday or other occasion (baptism parties are like this in my in-laws' culture) but the focus is not on what the child wants.  It's more of a "let's throw a party for the family to celebrate this occasion" than "let's throw a party for this individual to celebrate this occasion."

 

I'm not explaining it very clearly, I know. 

 

No, I know what you mean.  A lot of kid parties in my family are like this - they really aren't about catering to the whims of the particular child, they are just about a fun get-together.

[brett_ashley]

Please stop.

 

Your commentary on my personal ethics is unwelcome, highly personal, and based on nothing that we have in common. You are free to set your own standards. I am asking to be left alone.

 

is there some bolt/ananemone back story?  if not, i'm shocked you have survived 3500 posts if you are this sensitive, bolt.

[Butter]

And I'm sorry, a tv in a background at a 1 year old's party doesn't ruin the day.

 

Actually, it might.  My husband is one of those people that if the TV is on, he is completely sucked into it whether it's playing WonderPets, Psych, or a sports game (and he hates sports).  You absolutely cannot have a conversation with him without removing him from visual contact with the TV or turning it off.  A TV on would make it so no socializing was happening with people like him.

 

My extended family is into football.  Every Thanksgiving and Christmas (which we celebrated together on New Year's) prominently featured some football game.  The result was a bunch of people sitting and staring at the TV and not talking to each other.  The few of us who weren't into football would sit in a different room and chat with each other.

 

IMO parties should be family time where you focus on each other, not something on TV that not everyone is interested in.

 

And it's just plain rude to try to dictate how and when someone else has a party.

[SquirrellyMama]

I find it interesting how many posters are saying that people who are passionate about sports put sports before people. Sports are often a great way to interact with people. Tailgating is a people experience. A big game in your home can have lots of friends that you interact with during the game.

 

I'm not discussing the OP's family. Her in-laws sound obnoxious. I'm not sure why your dh wants a working relationship with a mom who called him an a-hole. Actually, I guess I do. My own dad told me that I wasn't his daughter anymore, because I made a decision he disagreed with. I still have a working relationship with him, although I refuse to let myself get too emotionally involved.

 

On the topic of birthdays I'm also in disagreement with some posters. We didn't do birthday parties that included anyone, but us until the kids were 5 or 6. We also didn't ask the kids what they wanted to do until they were 5 or 6. Most young kids (4 and under) don't care what happens for their birthday as long as there is food and cake.  I know someone planning a 1 year old's birthday party, and she wants to know who wants to come so she can secure vendors. What?! I didn't invite myself, because I feel that a birthday for a 1 year old that requires securing vendors is going to be obnoxious. Maybe I know it will be obnoxious due to the mom's constant FB posts about how advanced her child was at 5 months, and how at 7months old she taught another child at daycare to play with a toy.

 

 

[bolt.]

is there some bolt/ananemone back story? if not, i'm shocked you have survived 3500 posts if you are this sensitive, bolt.

I don't have to be "sensitive" to tell someone that their personal comments are unwelcome. I just have a tendancy to say what I think, and to ask politely for what I want.

 

It's a common misunderstanding among people who only allow themselves to set boundaries when they are upset -- to assume that others are upset (or are habitually easily upset) simply because they make s boundary statement.

Edited March 14, 2016 by bolt.

[brett_ashley]

Rabid college basketball fan here.   I fly all over the country with a week's notice to watch my team play.  If I can't make it, you better believe I'm watching it live on tv.  (and the people suggesting dvr are very out of touch with what tournament play is like.  it's NOT like avoiding walking dead spoilers.  At all.  It's a live sporting event!)  

 

That being said, It's preposterous to request a party be rescheduled because my team has a 1/32 chance of playing in a game at that time.  I bet I can guess in four tries which team your in-laws like, because only a couple of team fans are so presumptuous to assume that they would be 1 of 4 of the 68 teams that make it to the semi-finals.  

 

Years ago, my best friend and I used to have joint birthday parties for our second children.   She is uber-party-planner girl, and I'm more like "Hey, y'all come over for some cake!"  Needless to say, she had already planned our kids party 8 weeks in advance, when, sure enough, my team keeps winning, exceeding expectations and gets a bid to the tournament for the second time in 30 years.  We flew to watch the first game, we won, then won the second in an incredible upset.  When we won the sweet sixteen game I realized that the final four was during the birthday party day.  

 

I was dying, thinking I was going to miss the first final four in school history over a dumb 4 year old birthday party.  Now, does this mean that I love basketball more than I love my son?  Ridiculous!!  My son would have felt the same way about missing the game!  But, to my friend, birthday parties are a big deal and a direct reflection of her love for her children.  They just aren't that to me.  

 

Unfortunately we lost in the elite eight based on a VERY QUESTIONABLE charge offensive foul called, and it was moot.  (Can you tell I'm still bitter?)

[brett_ashley]

I don't have to be "sensitive" to tell someone that their personal comments are unwelcome. I just have a tendancy to say what I think, and to ask politely for what I want.

 

It's a common misunderstanding among people who only allow themselves to set boundaries when they are upset -- to assume that others are upset (or are habitually easily upset) simply because they make s boundary statement.

 

You ascribed malicious intent to her (factual) statement that pretending to be confused was disingenuous.  It was not a personal attack in any shape or form.

 

I'm not interested in discussing this any further, so any further remarks from you are unwelcome even though we are on a message board where the purpose is to discuss things from different points of view.  I am not upset, I'm just stating my boundaries, and my boundaries say that your posts after the first one in this thread are ridiculous.

Edited March 14, 2016 by brett_ashley

[heartlikealion]

To me that's the whole problem in the judgement in this thread though. Not your idea of a fun party, but it's not your party or your child's.

 

The disdain for sports and sports fans in this thread is so weird to me. I'm not even a sports fan, but I'm glad I grew out of my teenage judgeyness about it.

 

I hope the in laws stay home from the baby birthday. Whether they're "good" or "bad" for wanting to see their game, the OP isn't going to be very nice after all the history and this request. And she clearly disdains them and their passions. Who needs people like that in your life, even if they are family?

 

You snipped my post and I think I'm being misunderstood.

 

This is what I said:

 

"And while a child might love it because their family goes there or they have a favorite menu item, my initial reaction (maybe wrong) was that a child will be sitting at a table with adults that are fixated on the screens. Not my idea of a fun party"

 

I hope people are reading my quote in context. I already said that if the child asked for such a party, that's one thing. But if they are just being forced to have their party at this location because that's where Mom and Dad can watch their game I find it kind of disappointing. As an adult I don't want to compete for attention nor as a child. That's what is likely to happen at a sports bar. The child is competing for attention from the game as these are not casual viewers it sounds like.

[Reefgazer]

Tune 'em out and proceed with your DD's birthday as planned.  My guess is their absence won't be a huge hole in your lives.

[heartlikealion]

Rabid college basketball fan here.   I fly all over the country with a week's notice to watch my team play.  If I can't make it, you better believe I'm watching it live on tv.  (and the people suggesting dvr are very out of touch with what tournament play is like.  it's NOT like avoiding walking dead spoilers.  At all.  It's a live sporting event!)  

 

That being said, It's preposterous to request a party be rescheduled because my team has a 1/32 chance of playing in a game at that time.  I bet I can guess in four tries which team your in-laws like, because only a couple of team fans are so presumptuous to assume that they would be 1 of 4 of the 68 teams that make it to the semi-finals.  

 

Years ago, my best friend and I used to have joint birthday parties for our second children.   She is uber-party-planner girl, and I'm more like "Hey, y'all come over for some cake!"  Needless to say, she had already planned our kids party 8 weeks in advance, when, sure enough, my team keeps winning, exceeding expectations and gets a bid to the tournament for the second time in 30 years.  We flew to watch the first game, we won, then won the second in an incredible upset.  When we won the sweet sixteen game I realized that the final four was during the birthday party day.  

 

I was dying, thinking I was going to miss the first final four in school history over a dumb 4 year old birthday party.  Now, does this mean that I love basketball more than I love my son?  Ridiculous!!  My son would have felt the same way about missing the game!  But, to my friend, birthday parties are a big deal and a direct reflection of her love for her children.  They just aren't that to me.  

 

Unfortunately we lost in the elite eight based on a VERY QUESTIONABLE charge offensive foul called, and it was moot.  (Can you tell I'm still bitter?)

 

Well I think a lot of the Olympics is aired live and guess what, I DVR it. I'm just a weirdo. I will never understand why people say "we" about a team they are not on. I used to play basketball, too.

Edited March 14, 2016 by heartlikealion

[SquirrellyMama]

Tune 'em out and proceed with your DD's birthday as planned.  My guess is their absence won't be a huge hole in your lives.

 

:iagree:

It sounds like a win-win situation. You don't have to have them there for the party, and they get to watch their game.

 

Kelly

[brett_ashley]

I will never understand why people say "we" about a team they are not on. I used to play basketball, too.

Haha, guilty! Total dork here.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[eternalsummer]

People are weird like that; they love to identify in groups.  I think sports is almost the least socially difficult/treacherous way of satisfying that need; there are other ways (race, religion, political affiliation, nationality) that are just as natural but often have a lot more serious repercussions when things get dicey.

Edited March 14, 2016 by ananemone

[eternalsummer]

All that said, OP, I completely understand just washing your hands of the in-laws and letting your DH deal with them.  Things that on the surface seem like reasonable requests may have a completely different tone if the relationship has been difficult for whatever reason. Also, different family cultures and values *are* hard to reconcile; feelings about what is socially acceptable can run deep, and for us, negotiating holidays has been a pain.

 

 

[zoobie]

again, for many families, parties for young children are not centered on the children; they are celebratory social gatherings that celebrate the birthday or other occasion (baptism parties are like this in my in-laws' culture) but the focus is not on what the child wants.  It's more of a "let's throw a party for the family to celebrate this occasion" than "let's throw a party for this individual to celebrate this occasion."

 

I'm not explaining it very clearly, I know. 

 

I get that. I've been to a couple of really fun 1 year old parties (fun before we had kids to chase around, lol) where it was just a big, happy gathering. At some point there was cake. The fun was in the interaction with the other people. My oldest two's first birthdays were more family/friend reunion with cake on the side. And watching the baby eat wrapping paper. Sitting in a crowded, loud sports bar with the hosts glued to the TVs... 

[Laura Corin]

One year I was due to travel across the world to see my family, bringing my two young sons on my own.  My brother said it would be great to have us to stay, but if possible, would it be okay to avoid Wimbledon Fortnight? He wanted to give us his full attention and, despite his best intentions, he might be a bit distracted if we came then.  I avoided those weeks and we had a lovely visit.

 

I have to feel that there should be a way to deal with these things amicably, with understanding on both sides.

[Laurie4b]

Well, I live right in the middle of BIG BASKETBALL country and I can totally see that happening. Everything gets planned around games around here. Everything. Local organizations--even churches--- often look at the game schedule before planning things like retreats, seminars, etc. It's part of the culture. Organizers can plan around it or expect much lower attendance at your events. It's just.the.way.it.is.  (Can you tell I'm not an uber bball fan?) 

 

I think it's okay that they asked if you'd consider a change and ok that you can't accommodate them. 

 

I'm sorry that they won't be at your dd's bday party as it sounds like it's important to you.  :grouphug: Have fun and take lots of cute photos!

Edited March 14, 2016 by Laurie4b

[SKL]

I think it's an imposition to ask another person to change either the date or the activities planned for their party, unless it is over legitimate health concerns.  You can say "no, sorry" without any drama or guilt.

 

The rest is beside the point.

 

The implication that little girls can't like sports bars is just silly.

 

My kid requested that her last birthday dinner be held at Hard Rock Cafe.  You never know what kids will take a liking to.

 

I also feel that the 1st birthday is all exciting for the immediate family, but it is not a national holiday for the rest of us.  It's not hat big of a thrill.  I like kids, and I like 1st birthdays because they let me get my baby fix, but really?  I didn't expect a big turnout at my kid's 1st birthday party, even though it was also the "welcome home" [adoption] party.  Some of my siblings didn't come, even though I had attended their kids' 1st birthdays.  It was not an occasion for drama.

[AK_Mom4]

If it was a sports bar like Dave and Busters? Most four year olds would be delighted. Heck, I'd be delighted!

 

"Sorry it sounds like you won't be able to make it. We will have to get together again soon."

 

1st BDay parties are great excuses for family get togethers, but culturally, I could see my family watching sports and visiting once the singing was over. It's a family cultural thing.

[bolt.]

You ascribed malicious intent to her (factual) statement that pretending to be confused was disingenuous. It was not a personal attack in any shape or form.

 

I'm not interested in discussing this any further, so any further remarks from you are unwelcome even though we are on a message board where the purpose is to discuss things from different points of view. I am not upset, I'm just stating my boundaries, and my boundaries say that your posts after the first one in this thread are ridiculous.

I'm not sure why you are sharing your thoughts on this topic. Anemone has kindly honoured my request (or she has simply no interest in repeating herself -- smart of her). I honestly think the situation is neatly resolved and went well.

 

I don't think the situation involved you in the first place. Further, I don't see any reason for me to accept your assessment that all my future comments are likely to be generally 'unwelcome'. Past evidence shows that many people here value my contributions (generally speaking, though perhaps not this one).

 

---

 

This is quite possibly the oddest response I have ever written to any forum situation in recent memory. I suppose it's my turn for a mini-kerfuffle. (OP, sorry to be a distraction. I'm under the impression that I'm trying to... I don't know... Maybe just not let that kind of comment 'stand' without a reasonable response? Maybe I need better self control. I can totally see how easy it is for this kind of thing to run right off the rails.)

[brett_ashley]

I'm not sure why you are sharing your thoughts on this topic. Anemone has kindly honoured my request (or she has simply no interest in repeating herself -- smart of her). I honestly think the situation is neatly resolved and went well.

 

I don't think the situation involved you in the first place. Further, I don't see any reason for me to accept your assessment that all my future comments are likely to be generally 'unwelcome'. Past evidence shows that many people here value my contributions (generally speaking, though perhaps not this one).

 

---

 

This is quite possibly the oddest response I have ever written to any forum situation in recent memory. I suppose it's my turn for a mini-kerfuffle. (OP, sorry to be a distraction. I'm under the impression that I'm trying to... I don't know... Maybe just not let that kind of comment 'stand' without a reasonable response? Maybe I need better self control. I can totally see how easy it is for this kind of thing to run right off the rails.)

Take a deep breath, bolt. I was using satire (perhaps poorly) to point out how absurd it is to ask someone not to weigh in on a message board when--clearly--that's the whole point. All of your responses (and anyone else's) to me are very welcome.

 

As for involving myself, I just felt the need to say that I did not feel ananemone's comments on your advice were "personal insults and accusations." For what it's worth, I thought your advice was good.

 

Carry on--sorry for the diversion.

[Eliz]

It's amazing to me how many different thoughts there are on kids parties.  Growing up, birthday parties were given for kids old enough to remember.  That's how it is in my family now.  But living in an area that's diverse, there are many parties for 1 year olds and for baptisms that are very large.  The last one party for a 1 year old I attended  had well over 100 people, mostly adults, with a DJ, great food and alcohol.  It lasted well into the morning hours.