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Fuming over ridiculous In-Laws


BigMamaBird
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My daughter's First Birthday is planned for the first Saturday in April.  Of course, I'm excited and having fun planning the party.  Then I get a text from my dingbat SIL saying there's some "important" basketball game that day and can't we reschedule the party so they don't miss it.   :angry:  :angry:

 

These are the same people that didn't bother to talk to us when planning the Christmas get together then proceeded to have a hissy fit when we told them we were already booked that day.  They had it without us and MIL called my Dh an @$$hole in front of my 7 year old son.  

 

Dh texted her and told her "no, we're not rescheduling our daughter's FIRST BIRTHDAY around a ball game!!" So she texted back and asked if we couldn't have the game on during the party so they could watch it.  At this point I wish they would just stay home and watch their precious game rather than showing up but ignoring everyone.  And no, she's not going to get to watch it because we only have Netflix and our antenna can't pick up local stations where we are.  So she's SOL and I frankly don't care.

 

My niece is having her fourth birthday next week and apparently it's so important that they see another game that they're having their little girl's birthday at a Sports Bar.  Not at their house with fun decorations or a kid's pizza parlor.  Oh heaven forbid they think about their daughter on HER BIRTHDAY!  No, we get to sit a sports bar.  Poor thing.

 

 

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Oh, my.  Wow.  That's something.

 

I'm going along thinking one of their kids had a basketball game and then, no, it's a professional game on TV!  Wow.

 

I wish.  

 

If it were one of my nieces or nephews I would happily reschedule.  But nope.  This is some college game that their team might not even be in.  

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Yeah, I initially thought a game their kid was playing in! I assume this is the NCAA College Championship game? Their team might not even be in it. I could see if they had tickets! I don't think I'd bother inviting these people to the next occasion.

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"SPORTS BAR"

Gosh, that is kinda awful.

Not just kinda awful. Really awful.

 

Have your party. It's their choice to come or not.

 

BTW, when you said they had an important game, I thought you meant their kid was playing in an important game. For that (some kind of championship) I would have considered adjusting time if it didn't disrupt invites already issued. But for a televised sports event that's not the Super Bowl or World Series? Heck no.

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Do they have money riding on the game? People can be pretty crazy about the NCAA tournament. Did they go to a school that's playing? That's the only semi-reasonable explanation for caring so much, in my opinion anyway. I hope the sports bar at least has arcade games or something for the kids.

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These people need some boundaries set around them: fast. I suggest the "act confused" technique as a first step, perhaps in combination with, the "how rude" technique.

 

Examples

You get a text from SIL saying there's some "important" basketball game that day and can't we reschedule the party so they don't miss it.

...

Confused response: "I don't understand? Didn't you see the date/time in the invitation?"

Them: "We want to see if you could change it"

You: "Change what? I don't understand. There's a party. At date/time, for DD turning 1. You're invited, if you want to come."

...

"How rude" response: "I can't believe you just asked me that. How rude."

Them: "It's not rude! It's just a simple request."

You: "The polite response to a party invitation is a simple yes or no answer so your host can plan on your presence or absence. Please let me know when you have decided."

Them: "Can we watch at your place?"

You: "The party you are invited to is a baby's birthday party. There isn't any reason for you to expect to watch TV during the event. Let me know what you decide."

 

Also, I suggest fewer extended family get-togethers. "Christmas and Easter" is one thing. Every children's party and minor holiday in between is a level you just don't need to be at with unpleasant people.

 

(Also, is it normal for children to be allowed in bars in lots of places? It's against the law in my area, and I kinda thought it was the norm for it to be against the law.)

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This is some college game that their team might not even be in.  

 

That's even worse!

 

Can't they just record it and avoid the news until they can watch it.  Bonus, they won't even have to watch the commercials if they do it that way.

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Do they have money riding on the game? People can be pretty crazy about the NCAA tournament. Did they go to a school that's playing? That's the only semi-reasonable explanation for caring so much, in my opinion anyway. I hope the sports bar at least has arcade games or something for the kids.

 

Yes, they did go to college there.  These people are so crazy about their sports.  One year they asked if we could watch their kids so they could go to the game.  We assumed if the game started at 1 they'd drop them off around 11 or 12.  Oh no.  They wanted to drop them off at 7 am so they could go tailgating all morning.  We made the mistake of doing that one year and have said no ever since.  

 

I get it, some people like sports.  But they have the TV on at every family gathering and the adults holler and scream at the game and completely ignore anything else.  It's so annoying.

Edited by BigMamaBird
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These people need some boundaries set around them: fast. I suggest the "act confused" technique as a first step, perhaps in combination with, the "how rude" technique.

 

Examples

You get a text from SIL saying there's some "important" basketball game that day and can't we reschedule the party so they don't miss it.

...

Confused response: "I don't understand? Didn't you see the date/time in the invitation?"

Them: "We want to see if you could change it"

You: "Change what? I don't understand. There's a party. At date/time, for DD turning 1. You're invited, if you want to come."

...

"How rude" response: "I can't believe you just asked me that. How rude."

Them: "It's not rude! It's just a simple request."

You: "The polite response to a party invitation is a simple yes or no answer so your host can plan on your presence or absence. Please let me know when you have decided."

Them: "Can we watch at your place?"

You: "The party you are invited to is a baby's birthday party. There isn't any reason for you to expect to watch TV during the event. Let me know what you decide."

 

Also, I suggest fewer extended family get-togethers. "Christmas and Easter" is one thing. Every children's party and minor holiday in between is a level you just don't need to be at with unpleasant people.

 

(Also, is it normal for children to be allowed in bars in lots of places? It's against the law in my area, and I kinda thought it was the norm for it to be against the law.)

"Sports bar" can mean a restaurant with lots of TVs that serves wings and burger type foods. There are a few that we go to with kids because they have good burgers, local draft beers, and noisy kids don't stand out. I wouldn't go during a big event because that's an intense, totally different atmosphere. On a random Saturday afternoon, you can grab a burger and glance at a game for a bit in between errands. I sure as crap wouldn't have a 4 year old birthday party at one!

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I dunno, we tend to have birthday parties that are more "celebratory gathering of family" than "focused on the birthday person the whole time" type of things.  It might just be a family culture thing.  It's a bit strange for your in-laws to assume your family culture is like theirs, but then you are assuming theirs should be like yours.

 

For *us*, a 1 year old's birthday party would have the game on for people who really cared about the game.  Not everyone would be hovering over the 1 year old all the time.  It's just a time for family socialization,  I guess, in whatever normal forms that takes at family parties.

 

As the kids are older they have more input on what the party looks like, etc. -

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Yes, they did go to college there. These people are so crazy about their sports. One year they asked if we could watch their kids so they could go to the game. We assumed if the game started at 1 they'd drop them off around 11 or 12. Oh no. They wanted to drop them off at 7 am so they could go tailgating all morning. We made the mistake of doing that one year and have said no ever since.

 

I get it, some people like sports. But they have the TV on at every family gathering and the adults holler and scream at the game and completely ignore anything else. It's so annoying.

My in-laws are like that about Packer games. It is annoying.

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I agree with ananemone. Different families have different family cultures. I don't think it's necessary to require attendance for a birthday party for a one year old who isn't going to remember the event. And I don't think it's necessary to condemn the parenting of a family that has a much stronger sports culture.

 

Give the invitation and accept those who come and don't condemn those who don't. Accept their invitation if you want to go or just send birthday wishes.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Such a special time for you and your family! How lovely that you want to include your extended family. How sad that they have different priorities. Please don't let their boorish behavior ruin your fun and happy day. Give them no second thought.

 

Many happy returns!!!

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I'm going to go against the grain and say that I understand why your inlaws are acting the way that they are. :lol:  We are huge sports fans and March Madness is a huge thing for us. I also am not one to plan a lot for kids' parties under 5 so I can understand why they asked you to move it to another day. Usually at those ages the party is more for the parent than anything (though I do love a good smash cake!)

 

HOWEVER, I do understand why you're upset as well! If you aren't a big sports fan it can be frustrating to deal with those of us that are. You seem to have some history with your inlaws where you feel that at times they can be ridiculous.

 

I would have the party the day that you want it to but try not to get your feelings hurt if people don't show up. Don't let it ruin your day.

 

I hope that your daughter has a fabulous birthday!

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I'm not a sports person so I do sympathize. As a kid I could never quite get the whole TV sports devotion thing, and, trust me, I got plenty of exposure.

 

But... honestly... I don't totally get why everyone thinks this is so incredibly rude and ridiculous. They love their team. They get pleasure out of following them. There's a social component. Sometimes little kids in families are into it too and enjoy the raucous sports bar atmosphere. I don't think they sound horrible at all. They just sound like they're really different from you. Not like they're bad or rude or ridiculous, just different.

 

I don't know how this sil's text was phrased, but I do think the OP's response, if she really phrased it that way, was, on its face, way rude. They asked a simple question - could the party be rescheduled or could the game be on so they could honor both things they love - family and the game. The OP belittled their passion if the text was really phrased that way, and basically implied that they didn't care enough about her and her family to even have asked if there was a solution.

 

Of course, obviously there's history there (the mil name calling sounds pretty bad). But I guess it's a question of... well, okay, you're really different and haven't played very nice with each other. Do you want to heal it and try to be more understanding or do you want to complain and keep them at arm's length as much as you can stand? Totally different goals that call for different advice.

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I live in a basketball town, I get it. No one around here would schedule a party during the final 4. If for some reason they did, they would expect low attendance and have the game on, even if they weren't huge fans. Around here it's a much, much bigger deal than the Super Bowl.

 

That said, I get why you are upset. I hope you can work something out. My in laws aren't big on celebrating birthdays and it took awhile to realize that it wasn't that the grandchildren weren't important, they just showed that importance differently.

 

Edit to correct typo

Edited by Rach
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My daughter's First Birthday is planned for the first Saturday in April.  Of course, I'm excited and having fun planning the party.  Then I get a text from my dingbat SIL saying there's some "important" basketball game that day and can't we reschedule the party so they don't miss it.   :angry:  :angry:

I can see why you're annoyed, but I don't think there is necessarily anything "of course" about a 1-year-old party. I didn't have 1-year-old parties for my kids because I thought they were sort of silly. My 4-year-old just had his first "birthday party" - taking his best friend with him to the museum (the one down the street from us that we are members at). We're just not a major birthday party family.

 

Emily

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I feel very sorry for a four-year old girl that her parents sports worship is more important than her. 

 

enjoy your party without the crazy in-laws.  I understand you'd like family to be there - but in this case I think you're doing well for them to be elsewhere.

 

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I know people who always have to have the football game on at our house when we have them over for a party.  I think it's weird, but whatever floats their boat.

 

A kid's birthday party at a sports bar might be fun depending on what the kid likes.  My kid's birthday is in early January, so she gets to have it wherever we are traveling that day, which may not be at kiddy heaven.  But it works out.

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Oh good grief.  I thought you meant their child was playing in a basketball game or something like that. 

 

When you get an invitation the appropriate response is "Yes, we're looking forward to it" or "No, I'm sorry we can't make it this time".   Anything else if flipping obnoxious. 

 

For a meal based party, I think a sports bar is fine.  And it's their choice.  But you don't get to make decisions about OTHER people's parties.  Rude!  I do think 1 year old's birthday parties are for parents.  Which is fine.  We had a big open house on my oldest's first birthday and didn't even mention it was his birthday.  We had more to celebrate than just his birthday that day (I had an extremely high risk pregnancy).

Edited by WoolySocks
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I do feel a weird need to defend the sport's bar birthday party. My niece would be a four year old who would love for her birthday party to be at the family's favorite sport's bar. The family is very into sports and both parents coach. Niece is also very into sports and plays anything they allow her to. She excels at a few but enjoys playing it all. 

 

We're not a family who is that into sports but I do get the fascination and excitement other's have. I have enough of it in me that if I watch games, I get very into them and have a really good time. I just don't make a habit of watching too often (although there's been a lot of soccer watching lately). 

Edited by Joker
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I do feel a weird need to defend the sport's bar birthday party. My niece would be a four year old who would love for her birthday party to be at the family's favorite sport's bar. The family is very into sports and both parents coach. Niece is also very into sports and plays anything they allow her to. She excels at a few but enjoys playing it all. 

 

We're not a family who is that into sports but I do get the fascination and excitement other's have. I have enough of it in me that if I watch games, I get very into them and have a really good time. I just don't make a habit of watching too often (although there's been a lot of soccer watching lately). 

 

+1

I can name a few sports bars around here that either or my boys would have LOVED to have had a birthday party at when they were 4.

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Except it's a girl

 

Girls like sports and sport's bars too.

 

The post quoted was about my niece and how much she would like her birthday party to be at her favorite sport's bar. 

 

 

ETA: Heck, my dds begged to go to a favorite local one during the World Cup. All their friends were there and they felt they were missing out. 

Edited by Joker
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Oh no, how awful. The last sports bar I went to was not smoke-free so we asked to sit furthest away from the smoking area. I hope it's not like that there. If the child likes the idea of the sports bar, that's one thing. But I'm just getting this vibe from the thread that she didn't request that and it was pushed on her which is making me say how awful. Also, depending on the crowd there, maybe not the most child-friendly conversations/language overheard lol.

 

I hope they don't try to show up at your baby's first birthday with a tablet asking for your wifi password to watch their game!

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I don't do birthday parties for my kids at all, they get cake with the family.

 

A party at a sports bar sounds plenty celebratory to me, can't imagine judging the parents over that one.

 

I've almost never been to a party for a niece or nephew either, so I'm not going to judge someone who would rather watch their game.

 

I'm with the "family cultures are different and that's OK" folks.

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When a "sports bar" is kid friendly (and many are) I don't see why that would matter.

 

I think she's hinting that many girls would be less interested in this than boys. And I'm saying this as a parent who is currently planning a Monster High themed party for a BOY lol. So I know, kids don't always show interest in what society would expect.

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I think she's hinting that many girls would be less interested in this than boys. And I'm saying this as a parent who is currently planning a Monster High themed party for a BOY lol. So I know, kids don't always show interest in what society would expect.

Family culture matters as well. A sports centered family is more likely to have a kid who would enjoy that setting.

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People who don't homeschool don't often 'get it'...should they question our sanity or suggest we 'get a life'?

 

If one doesn't homeschool (or follow a team or have a child in spelling bees or follow a special diet or prioritize ecology etc etc) they can either think that lifestyle or fascination is 'ridiculous' or they can choose to realize we all have different priorities and interests.

 

Disappointment is one thing. Judgement is another.

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I'm not a sports person so I do sympathize. As a kid I could never quite get the whole TV sports devotion thing, and, trust me, I got plenty of exposure.

 

But... honestly... I don't totally get why everyone thinks this is so incredibly rude and ridiculous. They love their team. They get pleasure out of following them. There's a social component. Sometimes little kids in families are into it too and enjoy the raucous sports bar atmosphere. I don't think they sound horrible at all. They just sound like they're really different from you. Not like they're bad or rude or ridiculous, just different.

 

I don't know how this sil's text was phrased, but I do think the OP's response, if she really phrased it that way, was, on its face, way rude. They asked a simple question - could the party be rescheduled or could the game be on so they could honor both things they love - family and the game. The OP belittled their passion if the text was really phrased that way, and basically implied that they didn't care enough about her and her family to even have asked if there was a solution.

 

Of course, obviously there's history there (the mil name calling sounds pretty bad). But I guess it's a question of... well, okay, you're really different and haven't played very nice with each other. Do you want to heal it and try to be more understanding or do you want to complain and keep them at arm's length as much as you can stand? Totally different goals that call for different advice.

 

Well, there are some things that just come out pretty rude if you ask a host/hostess to alter for you or complain about it. I still remember we were pretty peeved when dh's uncle didn't want to come to my baby's baptism because of the food we planned to serve. He actually used a negative term to describe the food which was extra offensive since I'm from that ethnic group. In the end he didn't come and we didn't bother to tell him that for unrelated reasons we had to swap the menu.

 

I guess since DVRs are so prominent these days, it seems like something that could easily be remedied that way or maybe by moving the party time slot on the same day rather than dealing with the TV on in the background or moving the party to a whole new day. I would be highly irked if I had to keep the TV on during the whole party. Could you imagine? Singing "Happy Birthday" and someone screams, "touchdown!! WHOO!!" lol

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Well, there are some things that just come out pretty rude if you ask a host/hostess to alter for you or complain about it. I still remember we were pretty peeved when dh's uncle didn't want to come to my baby's baptism because of the food we planned to serve. He actually used a negative term to describe the food which was extra offensive since I'm from that ethnic group. In the end he didn't come and we didn't bother to tell him that for unrelated reasons we had to swap the menu.

 

I guess since DVRs are so prominent these days, it seems like something that could easily be remedied that way or maybe by moving the party time slot on the same day rather than dealing with the TV on in the background or moving the party to a whole new day. I would be highly irked if I had to keep the TV on during the whole party. Could you imagine? Singing "Happy Birthday" and someone screams, "touchdown!! WHOO!!" lol

DVRing sporting events is not a lot of fun and often leads to spoilers.

 

And I'm sorry, a tv in a background at a 1 year old's party doesn't ruin the day.

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DVRing sporting events is not a lot of fun and often leads to spoilers.

 

And I'm sorry, a tv in a background at a 1 year old's party doesn't ruin the day.

 

I realize this and I deal with a similar thing most Sunday nights when I can't watch The Walking Dead because I wait to buy it on Amazon. There are spoilers on facebook I have to avoid. I guess part of it would depend on the guests' behavior. If they can't come to the table to cut the cake because the game went into overtime, I'd really be irked. But that's just me. I'd rather them stay home if the game is a higher priority. And I realize a lot of my feelings on this stems from the fact that I have to compete with TVs for attention from family members on a regular basis.

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Girls like sports and sport's bars too.

 

The post quoted was about my niece and how much she would like her birthday party to be at her favorite sport's bar. 

 

 

ETA: Heck, my dds begged to go to a favorite local one during the World Cup. All their friends were there and they felt they were missing out. 

 

the original op also had a 4yo niece.  it's her parents who want op to change the time - or have the tv on - because the game is more important than people.  they had their child's party at a sports bar.

i'd be willing to wager your dds who begged to go to a sports bar to watch the world cup were NOT *four*.  

 

I don't get this mentality at all. Like, not even a little bit. That people idolize and rearrange their lives around silly sports games is completely bizarre and twisted to me. It's one thing if you are an athlete, playing in a game... but to prioritize a stupid sports game (that you can record these days, no less!!) over attending a birthday party or other family event is just.... I have no words. I mean... w.o.w.

 

Are you actually saying that her feelings shouldn't be hurt because her selfish/childish inlaws would rather stare at a TV, watching grown men throw a ball around.... than show up to celebrate her daughters FIRST birthday???? I would not only have my feelings hurt, I would question the sanity and love of those inlaws. Good gravy get a DVR already!!! Or better yet, get. a. life. A real one.

 

Signed,

 

Person who thinks "sports culture" is the dumbest and most useless thing ever

 

it's not sports cutlure per se - it happens in other forms of entertainment too.  bottom line - it's plain rude.

- my sil has done that type of carp not infreqeuntly - and she's not into sports (dh will dvr and watch later - he fast forwards through everything but the actual plays). . . . it's whatever drama she's into at the moment.  we invite them to dinner - they don't even ask - they just go watch their show.  they invite us over - they insist "you have to see this" - and turn on the tv.  it's their latest show.  we no longer invite them, nor go to their house for meals unless it is a big extended thing.  it's extremely clear - what they're watching on tv is more important that people with whom they've committed to socialize.

she can socialize with the tv as much as she wants - but it wont' be at my house, and I won't keep her from her tv at hers.  I leave.

 

none of our adult kids are into televised sports.

Edited by gardenmom5
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I agree requesting a different time is rude. And Christmas was rude.

 

But they can host their daughter's party wherever they want. And, It's not a crime to spend a whole day away and get a break vs. a few hours. That was a lack of communication on both sides, and is, IMO, a petty reason to not keep your nieces or nephews ever again.

 

the original op also had a 4yo niece. it's her parents who want op to change the time - or have the tv on - because the game is more important than people. they had their child's party at a sports bar.

i'd be willing to wager your dds who begged to go to a sports bar to watch the world cup were NOT *four*.

 

 

it's not just sports - my sil has done that type of carp not infreqeuntly - and she's not into sports (dh will dvr and watch later - he fast forwards through everything but the actual plays). . . . it's whatever drama she's into at the moment. we invite them to dinner - they don't even ask - they just go watch their show. they invite us over - they insist "you have to see this" - and turn on the tv. it's their latest show. we no longer invite them, nor go to their house for meals unless it is a big extended thing. it's extremely clear - what they're watching on tv is more important that people with whom they've committed to socialize.

I'm happy to let her socialize with her tv as much as she wants - but it wont' be at my house, and I won't keep her from her tv at hers. I leave.

 

none of our adult kids are into televised sports.

There is no age minimum, nor a penis requirement, to enjoy sports.

 

What do your adult childrens' interests (or lack of) have to do with whether or not a 4 year old girl may or may not enjoy sports or a party at a sports bar (and I'm assuming grill). Bar & Grill. What is the point of that statement? Are they somehow better people due to a lack of interest in televised sports? Is it the t.v. that makes it awful? Or the sports? Or just the combination?

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"what they're watching on tv is more important than people with whom they've committed to socialize"

 

This.  This exactly.  And in my family it would be just plain rude.  Sport and TV are not more important than people.  If they are, you probably don't like those people very much and should probably stay home

D

Edited by Deee
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I agree requesting a different time is rude. And Christmas was rude.

 

But they can host their daughter's party wherever they want. And, It's not a crime to spend a whole day away and get a break vs. a few hours. That was a lack of communication on both sides, and is, IMO, a petty reason to not keep your nieces or nephews ever again.

 

 

There is no age minimum, nor a penis requirement, to enjoy sports.

 

What do your adult childrens' interests (or lack of) have to do with whether or not a 4 year old girl may or may not enjoy sports or a party at a sports bar (and I'm assuming grill). Bar & Grill. What is the point of that statement? Are they somehow better people due to a lack of interest in televised sports? Is it the t.v. that makes it awful? Or the sports? Or just the combination?

 

I think it's safe to say that most four year olds (okay, fine, I'll say many because I don't know if most is reaching) are not familiar with sports bars. That venue sure sounds like an adult's idea to me. Unless, like, they have awesome ice-cream or something lol.

 

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I think it's safe to say that most four year olds (okay, fine, I'll say many because I don't know if most is reaching) are not familiar with sports bars. That venue sure sounds like an adult's idea to me. Unless, like, they have awesome ice-cream or something lol.

 

Buffalo Wild Wings has a sports bar/grill type atmosphere - it has been my one of my sons favorite restaurants since he was three. He likes buffalo wings. He would definitely have had his party there if we gave him the option at four. Four year olds are just tiny humans - with likes and dislikes.

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