No memorial

[Andani]

Can we talk about this?

 

Extended family member passed away after an emergency, and had specified the wish for no memorial service. Immediate family of 6 to 8 people hold small event; I only know because someone declined an invitation of mine and gave that reason.

 

Having a hard time because I loved this person. Visited, sent cards and pictures, prayed for, etc.

 

No way would I intrude on the small event. No way would I plan something against the wishes of my friend.

 

For me, being denied a memorial means my family and I will grieve privately, without the company of others feeling the same sadness, and with no way to honor the memory of a loved one. At least until I come up with something meaningful to do on our own.

 

I can understand that no one likes funerals, viewings are weird and uncomfortable, but other than those reasons, what I want to know is:

 

Why does someone choose to forbid a memorial?

 

If you have directed that there be no memorial for yourself, what do you expect your grieving loved ones to do for closure and support after you're gone?

 

And what about your friends who don't know each other or who aren't part of your family, and wouldn't be invited to a small mememberance event?

 

Thanks.

[maize]

I am sorry for you loss.

 

Memorials are for the living, I can't imagine directing my family not to hold one.

 

If I were in this situation with regards to someone I loved, I just might arrange for a celebration lunch--NOT a memorial, but a chance for family and friends to gather and talk about the person they had lost and laugh and maybe cry together.

Edited March 4, 2016 by maize

[bettyandbob]

A friend died a couple of years ago. Before his death he was adamant that he have no memorial. On his birthday several months later his wife threw a huge party, with a band, good food and an open bar. It would have been his 50th, so the big party was fitting. Everyone had a lot of fun and remembered. It was definitely more fitting than a memorial for him.

 

Perhaps this person wanted to be remembered for good times.

[Bluegoat]

I think some people think it will be easier for others.  I think it's a really bad idea though, and TBH I would be inclined to ignore it.  There is a reason cultural recognition of death is almost ubiquitous since the stone age.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I am sorry for you loss.

 

Memorials are for the living, I can't imagine directing my family not to hold one.

 

If I were in this situation with regards to someone I loved, I just might arrange for a celebration lunch--NOT a memorial, but a chance for family and friends to gather and talk about the person they had lost and laugh and maybe cry together.

 

Exactly.  I think it's odd. 

 

I tell my family to do what they want and do what makes their life easiest at that time.  So have a memorial, don't have a memorial, throw a pizza party, whatever because I'm dead I don't care.

 

OP, sorry for your loss.  Maybe you can have your own memorial.  Or write a letter to the person who has passed on.  No rule saying you can't do that yourself.

[JustEm]

This is how I view it. I don't need a memorial to mourn anyone. They are uncomfortable and I would rather do my mourning in private or with very close family and friends. But it would be considered rude for me not to go to a memorial for a family member or close friend so I just have to suck it up and go or be the person everyone is pissed off at. I shouldn't have to feel that way. So I don't want one for me. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to go to mine in fear of pissing people off.

 

If everyone was more accepting of the many different ways people mourned I'd have no problem with a memorial because I'd know those who didn't want to mourn in public wouldnt be pressured into going.

[edelweiss]

This is how I view it. I don't need a memorial to mourn anyone. They are uncomfortable and I would rather do my mourning in private or with very close family and friends. But it would be considered rude for me not to go to a memorial for a family member or close friend so I just have to suck it up and go or be the person everyone is pissed off at. I shouldn't have to feel that way. So I don't want one for me. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to go to mine in fear of pissing people off.

 

If everyone was more accepting of the many different ways people mourned I'd have no problem with a memorial because I'd know those who didn't want to mourn in public wouldnt be pressured into going.

 

 

I agree with this.  I would really prefer to not have a funeral or memorial when I pass away.  If it is something that my family felt very strongly about, I would understand and be okay with it, but I'd prefer not to have one.  If my husband passes away before me, I won't have a memorial service unless it is something he specifically indicates that he wants.  I don't think he cares one way or another.  

[OhanaBee]

Right before my Grandma died, she was very adamant about not having a memorial service.  She had outlived her friends and, I suspect, really didn't think anyone would come.  But without some kind of gathering, our family would have had no way to come together and remember Grandma/Auntie Hope.  We didn't have an official service.  Instead we set a day and about 20 of us from mostly Southern California [my dd and I flew in from the East Coast] got together for dinner and a gab-fest.  Then we drove to the cemetery and put flowers on the family graves.

 

I've told my kids that, while I understand a memorial service is necessary right after a death, that I would want them, perhaps a year or two later, to go as a family to the beach or to WDW and have fun, and tell family stories....and remember how much I loved those places.  *That's* the kind of family memorial service I would want.

[SKL]

I agree that, theoretically, it should be up to the living to decide stuff like that, though if you died suddenly, that might be a really hard thing for the bereaved to figure out.

 

Maybe this person would rather the money go to the heirs vs. the funeral home.  Funeral costs range considerably.  My grandma asked that she not be laid out at a funeral, but they had a service.  The cost of the funeral was maybe around $1,000.  My granny didn't leave instructions that I know of, her husband was too distraught to decide anything, so her kids just did whatever the funeral home suggested, to the tune of $10,000!  Not including flowers etc.

 

Maybe the person didn't like the way people tend to talk at funerals.  Maybe he thought it would be too painful for some.  Maybe he had some other reason.

 

I actually had an elderly friend die when I was 16, and he didn't want a memorial service.  I found out later that he had some bad skeletons in his closet.  Maybe he was afraid they would get out.  I'll never know.

[SKL]

I hate to say this, but honestly, my grandma's service was one of the best times I've had.  There were some hard-of-hearing elderly friends of hers who were "whispering" their comments for all to hear, and they were absolutely hilarious.  Definitely lightened up the mood for everyone!  :P

[AK_Mom4]

My parents were adamant about not funerals, no memorials, no fuss for the dead.  They both hated funerals of all sorts.

 

After death, they were each cremated and we were stuck with what to do with the ashes when they specifically didn't want anything special done. We eventually worked it out, but it was complicated.  It would have been easier to handle if everyone was coming together at a set time for a memorial service or remembrance.

 

Funerals and memorial services are for the living.  My DH wants a big party with good food and loud music.  I think that's the right way to do it!

[zoobie]

Have a family reunion and celebrate him instead?

 

My grandfather wants to be cremated and flushed and no further fuss made over him. I told him that we can do whatever we want because he won't be there to boss anyone around. (He laughed. He's that type.)

[BarbecueMom]

I think a memorial service for me would, um, cause problems. We're privately non-religious in a very religious extended family. It would become quite obvious during the service (if DH was lucid enough to uphold my wishes and not "whatever" the whole thing) and upset a lot of people when there are no Bible verses or comforting words of hope in an afterlife. I wouldn't want to put my grieving, socially awkward spouse in a position to find a polite way to tell relatives to shove it if they expressed concern for my status in eternity.

[Annie G]

My mom passed away suddenly and we'd been through an awful week having to go from a normal day to choosing to remove life support.  Dad truly was in no shape to have a memorial but we thought we'd have one soonish.  (When my brother in law passed suddenly my sister had the memorial about 18 months later, when she and her kids were ready)

 

So...we haven't had a memorial and have decided to wait until Dad passes and have a joint one. I know my kids and my sister's kids struggled with that decision at first, but I didn't really think that much about how Mom's friends felt. Her dearest friend wrote a beautiful blog post about Mom and every year on the eve of the anniversary of Mom's passing I re-read that post. I emailed the lady on the 3rd anniversary and told her how much her friendship meant to Mom and how we appreciated her.  She replied with a pretty scathing comment that she was mourning too and not having  a memorial was a slap in the face.  So yeah, I think some people really need a memorial while others don't. We all grieve in our own ways.  

 

It's hard to meet everyone's needs when some people really need a memorial and others just don't. 

 

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. We honor our mom and brother in law every year but in ways that probably wouldn't apply to you ( BIL was born on May 5 so we always have Mexican  on Cinco de Mayo- even when we're far apart from other family members we all do this. So even apart we can honor him 'together')

[Andani]

Thank you so much for offering your perspectives on this. I think it does come down to each person grieving in his or her own way. I do like the idea of waiting and having a celebration later on a meaningful day or at a favorite place.

[Pawz4me]

This is how I view it. I don't need a memorial to mourn anyone. They are uncomfortable and I would rather do my mourning in private or with very close family and friends. But it would be considered rude for me not to go to a memorial for a family member or close friend so I just have to suck it up and go or be the person everyone is pissed off at. I shouldn't have to feel that way. So I don't want one for me. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to go to mine in fear of pissing people off.

 

If everyone was more accepting of the many different ways people mourned I'd have no problem with a memorial because I'd know those who didn't want to mourn in public wouldnt be pressured into going.

 

 

I agree with this.  I would really prefer to not have a funeral or memorial when I pass away.  If it is something that my family felt very strongly about, I would understand and be okay with it, but I'd prefer not to have one.  If my husband passes away before me, I won't have a memorial service unless it is something he specifically indicates that he wants.  I don't think he cares one way or another.  

 

Yes to the above.

 

DH and the boys all know that I would prefer to not have any type of service.  I'm an introvert.  DH and youngest DS are more introverted than I am; oldest DS is slightly less introverted than the rest of us.  But none of us are comfortable at all at funerals or memorial services.  They would hate (HATE) it.  I totally don't get the need to mourn and grieve with other people, and I know DH and the boys don't either.  So while my request is about my wishes, it's also to protect those I love the most, and the three who will very likely be mourning and grieving the most.

[Scarlett]

My dad, his brother and that brothers wife all died in the last year or so. All 3 asked for no service. I find it weird. But I wasn't close enough to any of the 3 to care too much.

 

Another friend of mine (long time family friend) died a few months ago after a very brief fight with cancer. He asked for a Celebration of Life Party. He wanted to be there but the cancer took him too fast. :(. It was a wonderful party though.

[G5052]

I've always respected the wishes of the individual, but I'm with the OP. My husband's side always do a happy memorial followed by burial that nearly everyone goes to and a party. I've found them very comforting. Lots of memories shared and support given.

 

On my side, the memorials are done separate from the burial, which is family only. Not like my husband's side, but they're OK. There is closure at least.

 

Last summer I was in charge for the arrangements for a relative many states away, and unfortunately the military funeral ended up on a day that I couldn't be there. I had a really hard time with that. I think that I should just dropped everything and gone because finding closure was tough for me. I'm hoping that I can get there this summer.

 

I told my family to do it up like my husband's side. Have happy events and go home feeling loved. That's it for me.

[Rosie_0801]

So...we haven't had a memorial and have decided to wait until Dad passes and have a joint one. I know my kids and my sister's kids struggled with that decision at first, but I didn't really think that much about how Mom's friends felt. Her dearest friend wrote a beautiful blog post about Mom and every year on the eve of the anniversary of Mom's passing I re-read that post. I emailed the lady on the 3rd anniversary and told her how much her friendship meant to Mom and how we appreciated her.  She replied with a pretty scathing comment that she was mourning too and not having  a memorial was a slap in the face.  So yeah, I think some people really need a memorial while others don't. We all grieve in our own ways.  

 

Then she should have organised one.

 

My ex organised two memorials for ds, I attended neither.

Our homeschooling group organised one because their kids needed it. Mum and I attended that one.

 

 

Mourning people need to do what they need to do. They are the ones who have to live through the pain.

[Ellie]

That is it one thing I would ignore. I'd do a memorial or a wake or something anyway.

 

The people who are left behind need to talk with each other and hug each others' neck and tell stories about their loved one. To tell them that they cannot is just selfish.

 

My mother died 11 days after being diagnosed with lung cancer. We were all shocked to find out that she wanted no memorial or anything. I was quite angry with her.

 

If the deceased has wishes regarding burial and whatnot, which are part of his religious beliefs, then I would do that, because who knows for sure? But a memorial or a wake of some kind...no. He's gone. We're going to get together.

[Entropymama]

My dad had no memorial, or service of any kind. He and his wife were very introverted and had few friends. Their close friends, his siblings, her son and my brother and I were all at the house the last week of his life. While there were certainly friends and people they knew through their business who would have come to a funeral, all the important people said their goodbyes before he died. They didn't regularly attend a church, and he was cremated. It just made sense not to. It was hard not to have an 'official' moment to say goodbye and put some closure on things, but it was what he and his wife wanted. 

[HS Mom in NC]

While I lean toward respecting people's wishes about issues related to their deaths, I don't think it's terrible to have some sort of memorial for loved ones who really want one. So, I would suggest going ahead with something that resonates with you.  I would caution you that if you invite other loved ones who haven't voiced a need to do something contrary to the deceased person's wishes you may get a negative response.  Some people would find it disrespectful to ignore the deceased person's wishes, so don't take it personally or be offended if someone doesn't think you should.

[Twigs]

… Mourning people need to do what they need to do. They are the ones who have to live through the pain.

:iagree:

 

I've left instructions (& a pre-paid policy) to be cremated and the ashes buried in the family plot. I've also stated that any service or gathering is at the discretion of the survivors. I think that a gathering (whether it be a funeral, memorial, party, etc.) is important and possibly needed for most of those left behind. I would never think to tell them not to do what they need.

[Joyofsixreboot]

My father, who died in September, specified quite vehemently no service/get together/ anything. It left me but especially my kids at a loss. It was like we just went on as if nothing happened. His reasons were he felt it was unnecessary. I disagreed but respected his wishes.

[Butter]

I'm sorry.

 

There was no funeral or memorial service for my FIL when he died.  My MIL was adamantly against it.  He had not cared.  It was weird and kind of hard for my husband. 

[Scarlett]

Well a Memorial is just that....a time to remember the deceased....so I am not sure why a dead person gets say over whether I get to remember them formally or not.

[ThisIsTheDay]

My fil passed unexpectedly following surgery complications.  He had a wide circle of friends and former co-workers and was well liked.  My mil chose to not have any kind of memorial.  I have always believed it was her selfish way to not have to listen to people say great things about him.  She always was jealous of any attention that he received. 

 

Everything (surgery, death, memorial) happened very quickly. The family was in shock, understandably.  That's the way it was. He would not have been pleased to know that his friends were denied the opportunity to get together in a larger group and celebrate his life, the joy that he brought to them, and the sadness of their loss.

[Liz CA]

My BIL just passed in February and it had been a long journey for my poor SIL - 1.5 years. She was drained, numb and somewhat pressured by her husband's mother to have a memorial. She did and said to me: "All I have to do now is get through this day. Then it's over." I felt for her, however, it was good for us - the rest of the family - to get together, hug and remember the man. I don't know if he had any specific wishes. Perhaps SIL could have waited a little longer but would it have been easier then? Who knows? When my beloved aunt passed away some years ago, she was cremated and had arranged to be taken out to sea with her previously deceased dh who had also been cremated. Since she died in early January, the weather was too bad to go out right away. We had to wait until late March or April and it felt a little like a double punch. The pain when she passed, and then just when I had myself a little put back together, the trip to scatter the ashes and the pain all over again.

I will let my family decide. I doubt I will care since I won't be here anymore.  :)

 

OP: Sorry for your loss.

[nd293]

I tell my family to do what they want and do what makes their life easiest at that time.  So have a memorial, don't have a memorial, throw a pizza party, whatever because I'm dead I don't care.

 

Perhaps this is why the OP's friend stipulated "no memorial" - because she knew it would be easier for her immediate family? I'm an introvert and if I lost someone really close to me I would absolutely hate to have a public memorial because I'd be worried about who would attend, and whether anyone would attend, and is there enough food, and what if Mrs X doesn't know anyone there. I know that none of that stuff would be important, but it would still send me into a spiral of panic.

 

On the other hand, I'd feel a strong social obligation to do it anyway, so if I was told beforehand that it wasn't wanted, it would free me of the burden of guilt, as it were.

 

OP - I'm sorry for your loss. Perhaps you could plan a fundraising lunch in your friend's honour with donations to a charity or cause that was close to her heart?

 

[AlmiraGulch]

 

 

I tell my family to do what they want and do what makes their life easiest at that time.  So have a memorial, don't have a memorial, throw a pizza party, whatever because I'm dead I don't care.

 

 

 

This is exactly how I feel about it.   

 

I know it's different, but I feel the same way about what to do with my body when I'm gone.  I have strong preferences, but at the end of the day it's simply not about me.  While I prefer not to be buried, simply because I think it's a waste of land and I think there are much better things to do with it (has anyone seen those tree pods?  So cool!), at the end of the day, if it makes my husband feel better to have a headstone to sit at, then by all means go get one.  I will be dead.  It's not about me anymore.  

 

In most cases, I think that having such strong opinions about what to do in regard to one's own death is ultimately about fear of the loss of control when one dies.  Making dictates about the funeral/memorial/burial is another way to hold onto life, in the minds of some, in my opinion.  

 

I do recognize that there is a strong religious component here for many, which has nothing to do with what I've said, so this isn't a blanket statement.

[Danestress]

I suppose that survivors can do what they want and ignore the requests of the deceased.

 

But I think there will usually be a family member or two who believe that the best way to honor the dead is to respect their wishes, especially if those wishes are consistent with the personality of the deceased. I think it is pretty normal to try to think about what a loved one would have wanted with respect to all kinds of issues - who gets a particilular heirloom, whether to donate, sell or destroy records and personal correspondence, whether to cancel important events (a wedding, a bar exam, a graduation) that are occurring around the death. If I already know what the loved one wanted because he or she told me, I will want to honor that.

[The Girls' Mom]

I actually have a no funeral/memorial request in my will.  I do however, ask that friends and family have a big party/gathering to support my kids/husband, to bring food and remember to laugh a lot.  

 

I've lost two parents and all of my grandparents.  Funerals were traumatic, horrible things that I was forced to get through.  I found no comfort or peace there.  Here in our area, memorials are where the immediate family of the deceased stand by a coffin (often open for "viewing") or an urn, while parades of people you may or may not know come by and hug you and tell you what a wonderful person the dead person was (whether it is true or not). Throw in the occasional wailing relative that always seems to be the one that wouldn't give the deceased the time of day when they were alive.  It is just an awful event that prolongs a very sad, stressful time.  There's nothing like standing for hours while random people touch you, trying to hold it together, when all you really want to do is go somewhere quiet and cry.

[G5052]

I've lost two parents and all of my grandparents.  Funerals were traumatic, horrible things that I was forced to get through.  I found no comfort or peace there.  Here in our area, memorials are where the immediate family of the deceased stand by a coffin (often open for "viewing") or an urn, while parades of people you may or may not know come by and hug you and tell you what a wonderful person the dead person was (whether it is true or not). Throw in the occasional wailing relative that always seems to be the one that wouldn't give the deceased the time of day when they were alive.  It is just an awful event that prolongs a very sad, stressful time.  There's nothing like standing for hours while random people touch you, trying to hold it together, when all you really want to do is go somewhere quiet and cry.

 

Yes, that's how they are on my side. I found my mother's to be particularly difficult because she was such a difficult person (drug addiction and mental issues).

 

I went to a really joyful one for a friend in January. I laughed so hard at one point that I cried. That would be OK!

[FaithManor]

I think many times economics comes into play in the thoughts of the one that forbids it. Done in the traditional way, they do cost more than what many consider reasonable so often the person is thinking about that.

 

My grandfather had a memorial and because he was well known and it involved a luncheon, even with frugality, it cost more money than what my grandmother could actually afford, and ended up with family members who could barely afford it themselves paying the bill.

 

As a general rule though, I think they are a good idea for a lot of mourners as long as it does not take food money from the ones left behind or move in a direction that is creepy or really unsettling to others. While in theory it is good to adhere to the wishes of the deceased, it is not always good because he/she is dead and none of it matters to him/her but it may matter very much to the survivors. So the needs of all involved should be given consideration.

 

I think that for you, OP it is sad you were not invited when you would really liked to have been. I would suggest that if you can find a couple of others who feel the same, meet for lunch, talk about the deceased, and maybe go in on a donation to a worthy cause in the deceased's name. Lighting a candle and saying a prayer may also be helpful or have a plaque made for your garden or walkway. Find a way to have a memorial that is meaningful to you.

[FaithManor]

One other thing comes to mind as well. Some families just cannot get along for nothing. When I think about my dad passing in the next year, I really already dread the memorial/funeral...it is going to be awful. It is possible that there are some relationship circumstance behind the scenes that necessitated not having a larger event.

[KrissiK]

I think some sort of memorial service is very important and I don't think it's right for a person to forbid their family for holding one. It doesn't matter what shape or form it takes, but I think memorials offer closure and a place to grieve publicly. I heard once that Americans don't do a very good job grieving, and to not hold any sort of memorial, I think just cuts grieving off at the legs. If you look throughout history, and other cultures, funerals were big deals. I've been to all sorts of memorials. Big fancy ones, with a huge lunchon after for hundreds of people and small intimate ones. But they all provided a sense of closure and satisfaction.

[Bluegoat]

I think some sort of memorial service is very important and I don't think it's right for a person to forbid their family for holding one. It doesn't matter what shape or form it takes, but I think memorials offer closure and a place to grieve publicly. I heard once that Americans don't do a very good job grieving, and to not hold any sort of memorial, I think just cuts grieving off at the legs. If you look throughout history, and other cultures, funerals were big deals. I've been to all sorts of memorials. Big fancy ones, with a huge lunchon after for hundreds of people and small intimate ones. But they all provided a sense of closure and satisfaction.

 

I had an interesting conversation with my priest, who thought a lot about funeral customs when he was serving two parishes out west - one a First Nations parish and one a white suburban parish.

 

The funeral customs in the suburban parish were rather at arms length - people were creamated, often they were delayed until people could get there, even by six months or more, they would put astroturf over the grave dirt.

 

By contrast the other community dropped everything and held the service within a week, and spend several days where there was feasting and some pretty extreme mourning for those so inclined, and all kinds of speeches by elders and community leaders.  People were buried and the family was very involved in preparing the body, and the burial itself.

 

His experience was that the second method was much more successful in creating a situation where people integrated what had happened into their lives - there was room for everyone to mourn and community support for it, and it was a very concrete sort of observance.  The suburbanites seemed to have more problems later about letting go, or sometime social isolation, even in the church community.

 

I think even for introverts, proscribed rituals can be helpful.  In part because when in a ritual, be it formal or informal, everyone knows what they need to do, there is a sort of role that belongs to you that you don't need to think about too much.  You might be a mourner who is quiet and reserved or one who is weeping and loud, but everyone knows that you are mourning and can respond to your particular need, it isn't something that has to be hidden.

[KrissiK]

 

 

By contrast the other community dropped everything and held the service within a week, and spend several days where there was feasting and some pretty extreme mourning for those so inclined, and all kinds of speeches by elders and community leaders. People were buried and the family was very involved in preparing the body, and the burial itself.

 

His experience was that the second method was much more successful in creating a situation where people integrated what had happened into their lives - there was room for everyone to mourn and community support for it, and it was a very concrete sort of observance. The suburbanites seemed to have more problems later about letting go, or sometime social isolation, even in the church community.

 

I think even for introverts, proscribed rituals can be helpful. In part because when in a ritual, be it formal or informal, everyone knows what they need to do, there is a sort of role that belongs to you that you don't need to think about too much. You might be a mourner who is quiet and reserved or one who is weeping and loud, but everyone knows that you are mourning and can respond to your particular need, it isn't something that has to be hidden.

These are good observations. I, too have had conversations with people who have had grieving experiences with African and South American cultures and they seem to be more healthy in their expression of grief and acceptance of death as a part of the life cycle.

[Happy]

I love a good party. It would be (and has been) difficult to grieve for someone I loved with out the ritual of a funeral. Yes, they are a challenge. Yes, it can be expensive. But I feel like that is to honor their place in our lives.

 

For me, I'd love my friends and the family I love to mix and mingle. I hope they share some good stories, tell some funny ones, and I hope, tell each other how I impacted their lives. I hope there is a lot of good food and that everyone raises a glass of Dr Pepper in my honor.

 

Fortunately, our family does funeral/memorials with a light touch. We will see each other in heaven someday, after all. My mother's service and my father in law's were filled with laughter, tears, and love. We even have a tradition of setting off fireworks. Just the other day my niece said when she is gone, she should be cremated, her ashes stuffed into a firework rocket so she can go out with a bang. 

 

Perhaps if we started calling it a celebration instead of a funeral, people would deal with them better.