WWYD -- 6th grader comes out in art class

[Janie Grace]

My ds goes to school and yesterday he told me that a kid came out (but not by choice). Basically, the kid's friend teased him about being gay and the kid said "I told you not to tell anyone!" and put his head down on his arms for the rest of class. This was before the teacher came in the room. I asked ds how the kid seemed to be doing after that but it was close to the end of the day and he didn't really know. But he did say the some of the boy's friends were expressing discomfort and wondering if the boy was attracted to them.

 

My heart hurts for this kid and I am considering contacting the mom. I am afraid he might not share what happened and that he could be in intense emotional turmoil with his parents unaware. However, I don't want his mom to feel weird or on the spot or whatever... like I am coming to say "do YOU KNOW about your SON?!?!" That's not my heart. But I realize it's a sensitive topic.

 

WWYD?

[bettyandbob]

I think I'd call the school guidance counselor (or have my child go into his/her office) and explain the situation. They are equipped for this type of scenario.

This.

 

This is what guidance counselors are supposed to handle.

[Janie Grace]

It's a small private school. No guidance counselor. Dean of students, maybe?...

[MercyA]

Do you know his mother personally? If so, I would talk to her about it.

 

I would feel uncomfortable sharing that information with other adults (like the school counselors) without the parents' knowledge.

[Janie Grace]

Do you know his mother personally? If so, I would talk to her about it.

 

I would feel uncomfortable sharing that information with other adults (like the school counselors) without the parents' knowledge.

 

I do. We have probably had 4-5 conversations. In our last conversation, she shared with me that her ds has been struggling with being bullied. So I am definitely not "random" to her...

[Heidi]

I'd tell the parent what you know. He needs love and acceptance right now, and the person who loves him the most is his mother.

[Tammyla]

Was there a teacher in the classroom?  He or she would be another option and would need to be included in the discussion or input with the Dean.

[Janie Grace]

Was there a teacher in the classroom?  He or she would be another option and would need to be included in the discussion or input with the Dean.

 

There was not.

[J-rap]

That's really tough.  Do you know this child personally?  Is he a friend of your son's?  Just wondering if he is ever over at your house, and you could pull him aside at some point and let him know that you are happy to talk to his parents or a teacher on his behalf if he'd like.  

[Janie Grace]

That's really tough.  Do you know this child personally?  Is he a friend of your son's?  Just wondering if he is ever over at your house, and you could pull him aside at some point and let him know that you are happy to talk to his parents or a teacher on his behalf if he'd like.  

 

No, I don't know the child. He is not friends with my son (they get along fine just aren't buddies). I know his mother because of chatting with her at school events. It's a small, tight-knit community.

[MercyA]

I do. We have probably had 4-5 conversations. In our last conversation, she shared with me that her ds has been struggling with being bullied. So I am definitely not "random" to her...

 

That being the case, I would share what happened with her: "I've learned that your son is going through some difficult things right now, and I just wanted to make sure that you are aware of the situation at school."

[livetoread]

Is it a community that is likely to be supportive of him coming out or not? If not, I would be much more concerned about his mental well-being.

[J-rap]

Not knowing how his parents would respond, I might contact the school then, especially since it happened at school and other kids were there.  I'd assume that the school has steps they take.  I once contacted the local school nurse when I thought that a friend of my daughter's had an eating disorder.  I was more comfortable doing that than calling the mother.  The school nurse said that I was actually the third person who had called regarding this girl!

[Starr]

My experience is that getting in the middle of things with other peoples kids rarely turns out well. I would just talk with my own child.

[Dmmetler]

Was an adult present? If that had happened when I was a teacher, I would have talked to the child and figured out how the child wanted to handle it. FWIW, my elementary school didn't have a guidance counselor (that was more a high school thing), but we had a psychologist and social worker shared with another school, so if the child seemed afraid of telling the parents, I could have "kicked it upstairs" to someone with more training than I had.

 

I hope, for the boy's sake, that he was comfortable telling his parents, just not his peers, so he has that support at home, because I imagine the entire school heard by the next school day. That would not be a comfortable situation for a 6th grader!

[Word Nerd]

Do you know his mother personally? If so, I would talk to her about it.

 

I would feel uncomfortable sharing that information with other adults (like the school counselors) without the parents' knowledge.

 

I agree. I think the idea that the OP should tell someone/people at the school but not the parents is bizarre.

ETA: Especially coming from a homeschooling board.

Edited January 6, 2016 by Word Nerd

[zoobie]

Talk to the dean of students. Make sure the boy isn't being bullied.

[Janie Grace]

Wow, two clear camps here... not sure what to do, but I think I lean towards talking to his mom in a "do unto others" way. I can't imagine that I'd appreciate another parent and the dean of students discussing my kid's coming out while I know nothing about it... but maybe you all are saying the dean should then talk to the parents?...

 

[MercyA]

I think the idea that the OP should tell someone/people at the school but not the parents is bizarre.

 

Yes, and if I were the parent, I would be livid that these conversations were going on behind my back. 

[MercyA]

Wow, two clear camps here... not sure what to do, but I think I lean towards talking to his mom in a "do unto others" way. I can't imagine that I'd appreciate another parent and the dean of students discussing my kid's coming out while I know nothing about it... but maybe you all are saying the dean should then talk to the parents?...

 

Janie, as I was thinking about this situation this morning, the "do unto others" verse came to my mind as well. I would want to know. 

 

ETA: And I *think* I would rather hear about it second hand than third hand, if that makes sense. If the dean came to me, I'd wonder which parent(s) were talking about my son.

Edited January 6, 2016 by MercyA

[Paige]

Would your son be comfortable reaching out to the boy and attempting to deepen the friendship and offer support? That's what I'd encourage my DC to do; maybe invite the kid over or something. I'd hesitate before talking to the mom unless I was sure of her stance on the issue. I'd be afraid of making things worse.

[Janie Grace]

Would your son be comfortable reaching out to the boy and attempting to deepen the friendship and offer support? That's what I'd encourage my DC to do; maybe invite the kid over or something. I'd hesitate before talking to the mom unless I was sure of her stance on the issue. I'd be afraid of making things worse.

 

We talked about how to react (not change how he treats him, continue to be kind and friendly) but this particular kid really irritates ds and they have nothing in common. I think it would be unnatural to force him to become friends with him.

[Xahm]

At minimum I would let the mom know "your son had a rough day at school" and let her talk to him to find out more.

[Ravin]

In a "do unto others" situation, I think more about being in the kid's shoes. Depending on the parents' views, telling them could make things MUCH worse or much better for the child. Depending on the views of the school (you said private, but is it parochial, and if so of what denomination) and its staff, telling THEM could go badly, too.

 

I would be tempted to talk to the mom and get a feel for her views on such things FIRST, before outing her kid to her. 

Edited January 6, 2016 by Ravin

[Mimm]

I'm surrounded with openly anti-gay parents and I'd never out a kid. Who knows what they would put him through. :( If I was in a community that was generally filled with more accepting people and where gay kids were treated well, I'd consider talking to the parents.

 

[Janie Grace]

In a "do unto others" situation, I think more about being in the kid's shoes. Depending on the parents' views, telling them could make things MUCH worse or much better for the child. Depending on the views of the school (you said private, but is it parochial, and if so of what denomination) and its staff, telling THEM could go badly, too.

 

I would be tempted to talk to the mom and get a feel for her views on such things FIRST, before outing her kid to her. 

 

The school is private but not religious. Tolerance and acceptance of all people is taught.

 

I don't know how the parents would react. They are church-goers, but I don't think that means they are going to respond in a damaging way. I honestly am not sure it's my business to predict and judge how the parents will/should handle it. Wouldn't you be offended if someone had information about your child but withheld it because they had a hunch you wouldn't parent your child well? I don't know, this whole line of thinking just seems off.

[Ravin]

The school is private but not religious. Tolerance and acceptance of all people is taught.

 

I don't know how the parents would react. They are church-goers, but I don't think that means they are going to respond in a damaging way. I honestly am not sure it's my business to predict and judge how the parents will/should handle it. Wouldn't you be offended if someone had information about your child but withheld it because they had a hunch you wouldn't parent your child well? I don't know, this whole line of thinking just seems off.

 

That it's not a religious school then leans me towards talking to the Dean.

 

What church? That can make a big difference. If they belong to one of the mainline Protestant churches that supports gay rights, that's one thing. If they're Southern Baptist or LDS, that's another.

 

Kids get beaten and kicked out of their homes, or subjected to ineffective and emotionally abusive brainwashing schemes, or grounded into social isolation...by parents who are otherwise good parents but who because of their beliefs cannot or will not handle a GLBT kid in a supportive and compassionate way.

 

It's less likely than it used to be, but still a very real risk. Having been one of those kids, that's what I think about first. How I would feel in the mom's shoes is secondary.

[Spryte]

I, too, would hesitate talking to the mom unless I had a clear idea that she would be supportive of her kid.  

 

Also, just semantics, but I'm not sure I'd call this coming out.  I think it's more along the lines of being outed by someone else, before feeling ready.  That poor kid.  :(  That's why I'd lean toward not discussing this with the mom - this child has already lost a sense of control about who/when to tell within his peer group, if he hasn't discussed this with his family already - telling the mom will take that away from him, too.  If it's not a religious school, and it's one that promotes acceptance of all, then I'd go to the dean and discuss what to do next, moving forward cautiously.  

 

My heart just breaks for that kid.  6th grade is tough enough without that kind of treatment from "friends."

 

 

[Carrie12345]

Oh, I can't even begin to figure out what I would feel "right" with in this specific scenario.  An older kid, a closer relationship, a better feel for the parent... any one of those things and I think I know what I'd do.  None of those things, and I'm clueless.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

In a "do unto others" situation, I think more about being in the kid's shoes. Depending on the parents' views, telling them could make things MUCH worse or much better for the child. Depending on the views of the school (you said private, but is it parochial, and if so of what denomination) and its staff, telling THEM could go badly, too.

 

I would be tempted to talk to the mom and get a feel for her views on such things FIRST, before outing her kid to her.

This.

[Janie Grace]

Also, just semantics, but I'm not sure I'd call this coming out.  I think it's more along the lines of being outed by someone else, before feeling ready.  That poor kid.   :(  That's why I'd lean toward not discussing this with the mom - this child has already lost a sense of control about who/when to tell within his peer group, if he hasn't discussed this with his family already - telling the mom will take that away from him, too.  If it's not a religious school, and it's one that promotes acceptance of all, then I'd go to the dean and discuss what to do next, moving forward cautiously.  

 

My heart just breaks for that kid.  6th grade is tough enough without that kind of treatment from "friends."

 

Yeah, I agree. I think "6th grader is outed in art class" would have been a more precise title. But I wasn't sure it would convey the topic. And you make a good point about the "loss of control" aspect. 

[Joker]

I wouldn't have been livid if someone had talked to a counselor or other adult at school if the same happened to my dd. She is gay and it was important for her to tell us on her own terms. It's more important to me that she have someone safe to talk with than for me to know everything.

 

There is no way I would tell the boy's parents unless I knew for sure they would still be loving and accepting.

Edited January 6, 2016 by Joker

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree. I think the idea that the OP should tell someone/people at the school but not the parents is bizarre.

ETA: Especially coming from a homeschooling board.

 

Because some parents would be very abusive to their homosexual child. You may not have met parents like that but some of us have. 

 

Someone at the school needs to be aware of what's going on because some kids would be abusive to a homosexual kid and they need to have it on their radar. 

[Annie G]

What happened was bullying. So...talk to the school about an incident of bullying and relay that you're interested in their ideas to control it. Also, if the school isn't going to do it, you might need to teach your boy when it's appropriate to stand up for another student. 

 

You don't have to give a lot of details, just that your son witnessed it and that no teacher was present.  The kid's mom is already aware that the boy is being bullied so  I'd give them the info and let them sort it out. Your info is from your son, so while I believe what he says, the school should really talk to the kids who were there to determine what happened, how often bullying is happening, etc.  Your job is to let them know they have a bullying problem. Because badgering a kid and then outing him sure seems like bullying. 

[trulycrabby]

I don't think it's odd at all. Unless the OP knows without a doubt that the parents would be supportive of their 11/12yo son coming out, I would not want to be the one to open that Pandora's Box within that family. If this is a religious private school, there is a stronger chance of the parents not being supportive, and things could get quite ugly. I would not want to be the one with the responsibility of making that child's life even more difficult than it apparently already is.

 

I think that unless the OP knows for certain about the parents' potential reaction, it is a huge risk to talk to the parents.

 

It's the child's well-being that needs to be considered in this situation, not the parents'.

This.

[Tap]

I don't think it's odd at all. Unless the OP knows without a doubt that the parents would be supportive of their 11/12yo son coming out, I would not want to be the one to open that Pandora's Box within that family. If this is a religious private school, there is a stronger chance of the parents not being supportive, and things could get quite ugly. I would not want to be the one with the responsibility of making that child's life even more difficult than it apparently already is.

 

I think that unless the OP knows for certain about the parents' potential reaction, it is a huge risk to talk to the parents.

 

It's the child's well-being that needs to be considered in this situation, not the parents'.

 

 

If it is a religious private school, it is just as likely that the school staff may be anti-gay as well.  I think there is a 50/50 chance with both the parents and the school.  

 

Since the OP has a small relationship with the parent, I would go to her.  Hopefully by talking to the parent, the OP can get a feel for the parents polarity on the subject.

 

Before going to the school, I would read their statement of faith and see if they say anything about sexual orientation. If it isn't obviously anti-gay, I would also go to the school. This doesn't' mean the school will be supportive, but if they advertise that they are anti-gay, you know that there will be a problem. I would hate to see the school try to 'fix' the kid with their own version of morality.  Hopefully the parent can be there to support the student, and the school can deal with the other kids.  Pandora's Box is open and now the school needs to be aware so if bullying happens they have a precedent for what the cause may be.

Edited January 6, 2016 by Tap

[Haiku]

I would never, ever out a person to their parents. I have seen WAY too many negative outcomes when parents find out their kids are gay, and I have multiple friends who have long-term damaged relationships with their parents because of the awful way their parents behaved.

 

If you know this child, I would find a way to let him know you are available if he needs an ear. If there is bullying at the school, I would let the school know your child made you aware of bullying, but I wouldn't say why. I'd just let them know they need to investigate.

[Haiku]

I'd tell the parent what you know. He needs love and acceptance right now, and the person who loves him the most is his mother.

 

We all hope so, but the reality is that many parents are extremely rejecting when a child comes out.

[MercyA]

Wouldn't you be offended if someone had information about your child but withheld it because they had a hunch you wouldn't parent your child well? 

 

YES. I would never want to be deliberately kept in the dark about something so significant, and especially not because virtual strangers think there's a chance I might be abusive (!). 

[J-rap]

I'm surprised when people say they'd be livid if someone told the school before the parents knew.  In a perfect world, the parents could be told and the boy would get great support and love and everything would be good.  But I've personally known of cases where it does not go this way.  The parents become extremely angry with the child and things do not go well at all.  

 

If someone were to tell a school official and not me about a problem my child was having, I'm sure I'd wish that I'd been told as well  -- but I would hopefully understand that someone cared enough to try and help my child, and they just didn't know enough about me to approach me.  I've always told my kids that I would love for them to come to me with any and all of their problems/concerns, but if there's ever a time that they just feel more comfortable talking to someone else for whatever reason, that's fine.  I'm really grateful for other adults who have had a hand in helping my children through difficult times.

[SparklyUnicorn]

n/m

 

 

Edited January 6, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[MercyA]

I'm surprised when people say they'd be livid if someone told the school before the parents knew.  In a perfect world, the parents could be told and the boy would get great support and love and everything would be good.  But I've personally known of cases where it does not go this way.  The parents become extremely angry with the child and things do not go well at all.  

 

I'm sure there are parents who get angry about all kinds of things and homes in which things don't go well in various situations. That doesn't mean that parents shouldn't be kept informed. If my child was physically hurt, I would expect to be told. Likewise, if my child had an intensely emotional, traumatic experience at school and was likely to experience ongoing difficulty because of it, I'd want to know.

[Word Nerd]

I understand your point of view, but again I must reiterate that the parents are not the main consideration here; the child is. It is important in such a delicate situation to do everything possible NOT to exasperate an already difficult situation. Given the big unknown of how the patents would react, going directly to the patents is a risk is rather not take at the expense of the child's well-being.

 

You wrongly assume that having a different perspective means I'm not considering the child's well-being to be of primary importance. The above also assumes the parent will not find out from anyone else.

[MercyA]

I understand your point of view, but again I must reiterate that the parents are not the main consideration here; the child is. It is important in such a delicate situation to do everything possible NOT to exasperate an already difficult situation. Given the big unknown of how the patents would react, going directly to the patents is a risk is rather not take at the expense of the child's well-being.

 

I agree that the child is the main consideration, and that is why I believe the parents should be told. He's only 11 or 12 years old. He needs his parents right now. This whole thing makes my heart hurt.  :(

 

I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one. 

[PIE!]

 

What church? That can make a big difference. If they belong to one of the mainline Protestant churches that supports gay rights, that's one thing. If they're Southern Baptist or LDS, that's another.

 

Kids get beaten and kicked out of their homes, or subjected to ineffective and emotionally abusive brainwashing schemes, or grounded into social isolation...by parents who are otherwise good parents but who because of their beliefs cannot or will not handle a GLBT kid in a supportive and compassionate way.

 

It's less likely than it used to be, but still a very real risk. Having been one of those kids, that's what I think about first. How I would feel in the mom's shoes is secondary.

 

Just putting this out there - the family's specific religion isn't necessarily an indicator of how they would react. For instance, I'm LDS, and if one of my children came out I would absolutely show them love and compassion and help them through their hurt and vulnerability, rather than causing more. Some religious parents would be abusive, but many would not. And some non-religious parents would be abusive while many would not. I understand the thinking behind using caution with members of specific churches, but I respectfully don't think it's an accurate litmus test.

 

Ravin, I am truly sorry that you had such a terrible experience.

 

And to the OP, I tend to be non-confrontational. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but If I were in your shoes, I'd probably focus on teaching my kids how to deal with this kindly and respectfully, and figure that in a tight-knit group, this boy's mom will find out soon enough, if she doesn't know already. If we were talking and it came up, I wouldn't shy away from the subject, but I don't think I'd make a specific phone call for this. But that's just my personality. Do whatever you think you will not regret. Whatever choice won't keep you up at night is IMO the right choice for you.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I'm sure there are parents who get angry about all kinds of things and homes in which things don't go well in various situations. That doesn't mean that parents shouldn't be kept informed. If my child was physically hurt, I would expect to be told. Likewise, if my child had an intensely emotional, traumatic experience at school and was likely to experience ongoing difficulty because of it, I'd want to know.

 

No one said the parents should never be informed.  However, the information would best be delivered by someone from the school who should have more experience in handling sensitive subjects with parents, rather than from a random parent who has not history with the family.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm sure there are parents who get angry about all kinds of things and homes in which things don't go well in various situations. That doesn't mean that parents shouldn't be kept informed. If my child was physically hurt, I would expect to be told. Likewise, if my child had an intensely emotional, traumatic experience at school and was likely to experience ongoing difficulty because of it, I'd want to know.

 

My thinking is they are going to find out.  I would be very angry to have a bunch of people purposefully keep that information from me.

[SparklyUnicorn]

No one said the parents should never be informed.  However, the information would best be delivered by someone from the school who should have more experience in handling sensitive subjects with parents, rather than from a random parent who has not history with the family.

 

Maybe the schools I went to sucked, but honestly I'd rather hear it from the parent.

[Mimm]

YES. I would never want to be deliberately kept in the dark about something so significant, and especially not because virtual strangers think there's a chance I might be abusive (!). 

 

I feel the opposite. I would be upset at strangers telling me that about my kid before she was ready. Her coming out to her parents is part of her story, not for someone else to decide when and how it happens. And I say this as someone who suspects my daughter might gay or bi.

Edited January 6, 2016 by Mimm

[Word Nerd]

No one said the parents should never be informed.  However, the information would best be delivered by someone from the school who should have more experience in handling sensitive subjects with parents, rather than from a random parent who has not history with the family.

 

The OP is not a random parent who has no history with the family.