WWYD -- 6th grader comes out in art class

[Wishes]

Since the school does sound like it advocates for tolerance, I would go to them first. They might be able to direct the parent to advocates that would help them discuss this with their son. Even well-meaning parents, parents who will not react violently or abusively can say hurtful things, inadvertently, but still hurtful; things that their child won't ever forget. Also, this kiddo is still quite young. He might not be gay at all, just curious or questioning. He needs help and guidance.  The parents might even appreciate some guidance as they could feel genuinely thrown by this revelation.

As to the aspect of the parents knowing first; it would be nice if the world worked that way. But a good percentage of homeless youth are gay. As Ravin said, children and young people are still beaten and harassed by the people who should love them the most. It's the kid that needs to be thought of first. 

Edited January 6, 2016 by Wishes

[SparklyUnicorn]

I feel the opposite. I would be upset at strangers telling me that about my kid before she was ready. Her coming out to her parents is part of her story, not for someone else to decide when and how it happens. And I say this as someone who suspects my daughter might gay or bi.

 

That may be, but I'm considering the details of this situation.  The situation being that now the whole class (and then some) know.  It's now a different situation I think.  I would consider this possibly a matter of keeping my kid safe.  Safe from bullying and safe in terms of his mental health.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

The OP is not a random parent who has no history with the family. 

 

The OP said she doesn't know the son.  She also said: "I know his mother because of chatting with her at school events."

 

That is pretty random in relation to discussing a fairly sensitive issue.

[Haiku]

He's only 11 or 12 years old. He needs his parents right now.

 

 

I completely agree that he needs his parents. But too many parents refuse to be there for their gay kids and just make things so. much. worse. I would never take the risk of bringing down the wrath of parents on their kids regarding this particular issue.

 

I have a dear friend who still struggles, at 41, with suicidal feelings and PTSD stemming from his parents' abusive behavior toward him when he came out at 17.

[Ravin]

Just putting this out there - the family's specific religion isn't necessarily an indicator of how they would react. For instance, I'm LDS, and if one of my children came out I would absolutely show them love and compassion and help them through their hurt and vulnerability, rather than causing more. Some religious parents would be abusive, but many would not. And some non-religious parents would be abusive while many would not. I understand the thinking behind using caution with members of specific churches, but I respectfully don't think it's an accurate litmus test.

 

Ravin, I am truly sorry that you had such a terrible experience.

 

And to the OP, I tend to be non-confrontational. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but If I were in your shoes, I'd probably focus on teaching my kids how to deal with this kindly and respectfully, and figure that in a tight-knit group, this boy's mom will find out soon enough, if she doesn't know already. If we were talking and it came up, I wouldn't shy away from the subject, but I don't think I'd make a specific phone call for this. But that's just my personality. Do whatever you think you will not regret. Whatever choice won't keep you up at night is IMO the right choice for you.

 

I didn't personally have a terrible experience--but one of my sisters' friends got kicked out as a young teen, and even now, the statistics bear out the warnings--GLBT youth make up 40% of the homeless youth served by agencies identify as LGBT, according to the Williams Institute. Lack of acceptance by family and bullying are very common problems for LGBT youth. There are plenty of statistics on the topic to be found here:  http://www.hrc.org/youth/view-statistics/#.Vo1gPPkrKUk

[SKL]

As a person who inadvertently "outed" a loved one, I don't think it is ever right to "out" another person.

 

I especially would not out a kid to his parents.  He has to live there, and nobody knows how the parents will react.  And even if the parents are super nice, open, etc., it should still be up to the kid to tell them.  It's too personal for outsiders to play that role.

 

I would contact whoever is in charge of kids' wellbeing at school and talk about it, but without naming names.  I would make sure they were aware of the situation so they could figure out how to address it.  And I'd talk to my kid about how my kid could be supportive and help prevent any foolishness.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Then again why are we assuming the mother is a jerk?  I wouldn't be surprised if she has a hunch already.

 

 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Then again why are we assuming the mother is a jerk?  I wouldn't be surprised if she has a hunch already.

 

We should assume nothing either way, and simply allow those at the school (which is where this incident occurred) handle it.

[SparklyUnicorn]

We should assume nothing either way, and simply allow those at the school (which is where this incident occurred) handle it.

 

Who says they'd do a better job though?

 

I just, again, have not had supportive experiences with schools. 

[Haiku]

Then again why are we assuming the mother is a jerk?

I'm not assuming the mother is a jerk. I'm heeding the statistics that show that lgbt kids are at higher risk of being rejected by their parents. I'm being cautious based on empirical evidence evidence.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Who says they'd do a better job though?

 

I just, again, have not had supportive experiences with schools. 

 

The likelihood is that the school is better equipped to assist this student and mother than a random parent who doesn't know the kid and has only chatted with the mom.

 

It happened on school grounds so let them handle it.  If this was the son of the OP's best friend and they had a close relationship I could see approaching this differently.  The reality is that this can be at best an awkward conversation for many, and I personally wouldn't want a parent I barely know talking to me about my 11/12yo child's sexuality.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I wouldn't have been livid if someone had talked to a counselor or other adult at school if the same happened to my dd. She is gay and it was important for her to tell us on her own terms. It's more important to me that she have someone safe to talk with than for me to know everything.

 

There is no way I would tell the boy's parents unless I knew for sure they would still be loving and accepting.

ITA. Please share your concerns with an adult at the school. They will address the bullying issue regardless of the child's orientation. I agree with Joker that it's very important that the boy tell his parents in his own terms.

[Joker]

Even parents who appear to be extremely nice, caring, and loving can screw it up horribly with an LGBT child. That's why it's best left up to the child to decide when because they usually know best how things will go. That's why unless I knew them extremely well and knew for certain they would be okay with, I wouldn't say a word to them. Oldest had a friend who would cry everyday at school because of her home life after her parents found out. They were nice and loving but they were hurting her daily with their religious convictions and the words they would use because of them. 

 

This isn't about the parents. This is about the child. I think it's too much of a risk to go straight to the parents since you really don't know how they would deal. The school should know to stop bullying and be a safe place for him if, and when, he needs it. OP said it was a small, tight school community and she is trusting them with her own child so I would think they would be a safe place to start.

[Heidi]

Who says they'd do a better job though?

 

I just, again, have not had supportive experiences with schools.

This is my line of thinking. We don't know who will react better for the child, but since he is only in 6th grade I think he really, ideally, needs his mom's support the most. Whether or not she gives it will be up to her, which if she isnt then that is really too bad. Kids deserve great parents, true, but the reality is that we don't always get what we deserve/want/need. And I think the parent has the ultimate right to decide how to help the child than a school administrator/counselor, and also is more likely to act in his best interest. Who's to say the counselor will act in the child's best interest, if at all? Their natural concern would not be the child first, but the school's reputation, I would think.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah this is complicated.  There is no easy solution!

 

 

[kroe1]

First, one is making a big assumption that the child "came out". It could have been a simple statement like he thinks Superman is good- looking that caused him to get teased.

 

The first think I would do is talk to my kid about assumptions, reputations, verbal bullying, etc. Likewise, as a parent of a child who does not know exactly what was originally said by the boy who got teased, it is very important that your child know you are not jumping to conclusions also.

 

Finally, as a mom, I would want to know if my kid was teased to the point of tears. Tell the mom without being conclusive about her son's future status. I certainly would not think this was "coming out" based on the very little you know.

[SparklyUnicorn]

First, one is making a big assumption that the child "came out". It could have been a simple statement like he thinks Superman is good- looking that caused him to get teased.

 

 

 

This crossed my mind as well. 

[TechWife]

My ds goes to school and yesterday he told me that a kid came out (but not by choice). Basically, the kid's friend teased him about being gay and the kid said "I told you not to tell anyone!" and put his head down on his arms for the rest of class. This was before the teacher came in the room. I asked ds how the kid seemed to be doing after that but it was close to the end of the day and he didn't really know. But he did say the some of the boy's friends were expressing discomfort and wondering if the boy was attracted to them.

 

My heart hurts for this kid and I am considering contacting the mom. I am afraid he might not share what happened and that he could be in intense emotional turmoil with his parents unaware. However, I don't want his mom to feel weird or on the spot or whatever... like I am coming to say "do YOU KNOW about your SON?!?!" That's not my heart. But I realize it's a sensitive topic.

 

WWYD?

 

Your responsibility begins and ends with your son. 

1 - make sure your son know you are a safe person to talk to about any subject

2 - encourage him not to listen to gossip or engage in it

3 - teach him that the boy who teased the boy about being gay is not a safe person and should not to be trusted with his confidences (he is not a good friend, in other words)

3 - teach your son how to recognize when someone else is being bullied and to stand up for them as well as report the bullies

 

This young man's story is his story, not your son's, not your's and IMO, you have no business telling someone else's story.  In truth, you know little about his family and do not know how his parents would react. In fact, if they react badly, it could cause a lot of problems for this child and the family as a whole. Quite bluntly, you have no business contacting the parents about this. 

 

Should you find out, through direct observation or that of your son's, that this child is being bullied at school, then contact the school. If it is an ongoing problem that is not resolved after doing that, then, and only then, should you consider contacting this young man's parents and only about the bullying that has been directly observed.

 

Let this child own his life, please! 

[Joker]

This is my line of thinking. We don't know who will react better for the child, but since he is only in 6th grade I think he really, ideally, needs his mom's support the most. Whether or not she gives it will be up to her, which if she isnt then that is really too bad. Kids deserve great parents, true, but the reality is that we don't always get what we deserve/want/need. And I think the parent has the ultimate right to decide how to help the child than a school administrator/counselor, and also is more likely to act in his best interest. Who's to say the counselor will act in the child's best interest, if at all? Their natural concern would not be the child first, but the school's reputation, I would think.

I can't understand this line of thinking. If he doesn't have good parents and they don't take it well, that's just too bad? It's a heck of a lot more than just too bad if they react poorly. The child's rights and feelings, not the parents, should be priority here.

[TechWife]

 I once contacted the local school nurse when I thought that a friend of my daughter's had an eating disorder.  I was more comfortable doing that than calling the mother.  The school nurse said that I was actually the third person who had called regarding this girl!

 

It is unethical of the school nurse to tell you such a thing. I'd be wary of sharing any information about my own child with the school if that is what happens. 

[Farrar]

The kid owns this information. It's his. Other people did wrong by him in sharing it publicly like that, but just like anything where someone does the wrong thing, it doesn't then make it okay to continue doing the wrong thing just because others did it. Two wrongs don't make a right. I would never presume to tell a kids' parents that he's gay for all the reasons stated here already.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It is unethical of the school nurse to tell you such a thing. I'd be wary of sharing any information about my own child with the school if that is what happens. 

 

hence why I question schools being sooooo helpful

 

this has never been my experience

 

I like your suggestion a few posts up.  Maybe the OP doesn't need to do anything more than talk to her kid. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Although I still struggle with wondering if something bad happened I'd feel bad that I didn't say something.  I can't decide what the right thing to do is.

 

Not that I have to, but I understand why this is so complicated.

 

Some people are like not your business back off.  Some are like you have to say something.  Which one is it? 

[Janie Grace]

Well, I decided to talk to the dean of students and let him decide the best course of action (talking to him later today). He is a caring, insightful, attuned person who has far more experience than I do with these kinds of things, and although I really think this kid needs the support of loving parents, I agree with those who said it's his secret to tell. Given the alarming rate of depression/suicide among LGBT kids/teen, I don't feel right about ONLY addressing my own kid. It's not a desire to "tell someone else's story" -- it's a desire to see an extremely vulnerable kid kept safe by those entrusted with his care. He's eleven, not a college student or young adult.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well, I decided to talk to the dean of students and let him decide the best course of action (talking to him later today). He is a caring, insightful, attuned person who has far more experience than I do with these kinds of things, and although I really think this kid needs the support of loving parents, I agree with those who said it's his secret to tell. Given the alarming rate of depression/suicide among LGBT kids/teen, I don't feel right about ONLY addressing my own kid. It's not a desire to "tell someone else's story" -- it's a desire to see an extremely vulnerable kid kept safe by those entrusted with his care. He's eleven, not a college student or young adult.

 

That sounds totally reasonable.

 

And at 11 I imagine you can't be sure what the deal is.  He may not know himself.

[TechWife]

Wouldn't you be offended if someone had information about your child but withheld it because they had a hunch you wouldn't parent your child well? I don't know, this whole line of thinking just seems off.

 

If it was information that could lead to the injury of my own child (such as a threatened suicide), I would be upset if someone withheld the information. However, this information does not pose a risk to the student's life. If bullying were to occur and not be addressed, then that would warrant parental notification, but only of the bullying. 

 

The parents comfort/offense should not be the primary focus of the situation, the student should be the focus of the situation. 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Well, I decided to talk to the dean of students and let him decide the best course of action (talking to him later today). He is a caring, insightful, attuned person who has far more experience than I do with these kinds of things, and although I really think this kid needs the support of loving parents, I agree with those who said it's his secret to tell. Given the alarming rate of depression/suicide among LGBT kids/teen, I don't feel right about ONLY addressing my own kid. It's not a desire to "tell someone else's story" -- it's a desire to see an extremely vulnerable kid kept safe by those entrusted with his care. He's eleven, not a college student or young adult.

 

You handled this very well.

[Farrar]

You know, coming from a small school perspective... I would talk to the dean (I used to be a dean at a small private school, actually). It sounds like the OP is concerned in general - Is this school a safe place for a kid to come out? And that's a bigger question - one that deserves to be addressed at a school without a situation like this, just by any parent who wants to be proactive and wants to help make the school be a better, safer, more "bully proofed" sort of place.

 

Statistically speaking, there *are* gay kids at this school. If you don't want to bring up this specific situation, I think you can still say to the dean, hey, it came to my attention that schools aren't always safe places for gay kids, etc etc. I'm curious what the school does to be supportive to gay kids. You could link him or her to information like this from Teaching Tolerance:

http://www.tolerance.org/lgbt-best-practices

 

ETA: I see you talked to the dean. I think you did the right thing. I hope whatever happens goes well... for the school community and the kid.

Edited January 6, 2016 by Farrar

[OnMyOwn]

This is my line of thinking. We don't know who will react better for the child, but since he is only in 6th grade I think he really, ideally, needs his mom's support the most. Whether or not she gives it will be up to her, which if she isnt then that is really too bad. Kids deserve great parents, true, but the reality is that we don't always get what we deserve/want/need. And I think the parent has the ultimate right to decide how to help the child than a school administrator/counselor, and also is more likely to act in his best interest. Who's to say the counselor will act in the child's best interest, if at all? Their natural concern would not be the child first, but the school's reputation, I would think.

I don't know what I would do for sure, but I lean in this direction, especially for such a young child. I think those that are assuming the school will handle this professionally and better than the parent might be right, but they might just as likely be wrong.

 

Someone close to me has a child who has been struggling in school, and her child was hospitalized for suicidal feelings after a bullying incident. The school was well aware of what had happened, but what did they do on the day she returned to school? They sent the school security officer to get her from class so that the kids who had bullied her could confront her. She said she did not want to meet with them, but was pressured until she broke down again and had to have her mom come and pick her up. How many times have we heard of children being bullied and schools doing nothing?

 

I don't know that I would tell the parents the specifics of the incident, but I think if I was worried enough about this child, I would at least alert them to the fact that my child told me something upsetting had happened in the classroom. An 11 or 12 year old needs their parents' support. Hopefully, he will get it.

[OnMyOwn]

Well, I decided to talk to the dean of students and let him decide the best course of action (talking to him later today). He is a caring, insightful, attuned person who has far more experience than I do with these kinds of things, and although I really think this kid needs the support of loving parents, I agree with those who said it's his secret to tell. Given the alarming rate of depression/suicide among LGBT kids/teen, I don't feel right about ONLY addressing my own kid. It's not a desire to "tell someone else's story" -- it's a desire to see an extremely vulnerable kid kept safe by those entrusted with his care. He's eleven, not a college student or young adult.

Glad you found a solution and that you know the dean well enough to feel it is a good one.

[umsami]

In most cases, I would call the Dean of Students.

 

I would also talk to my child about how he could support this boy.

 

If it happened at a religious school my kids attended (if they did attend one), I would not call the school, though.  I would probably have my kids tell the boy that if he ever needs a place to stay, he's always welcome at our house (even if he needs to stay until he goes to college) and here's my Mom's cell phone number and here's $100 to hide just in case.  Why? Because I know how homophobic many Muslims are.  Not all, but enough.  I'd then probably see if I could find a way to get the kids somebody to talk to outside of the school.  

[J-rap]

It is unethical of the school nurse to tell you such a thing. I'd be wary of sharing any information about my own child with the school if that is what happens. 

Hmm, interesting!  Never thought of that.

[Guest]

Yes, and if I were the parent, I would be livid that these conversations were going on behind my back.

Ditto. As a parent my job is to help my children and the school or another parent withholding information without abusive behavior occurring rubs me the wrong way. I'd absolutely contact the school and then the parent, just to help the poor kid cope better.

[Guest]

Well, I decided to talk to the dean of students and let him decide the best course of action (talking to him later today). He is a caring, insightful, attuned person who has far more experience than I do with these kinds of things, and although I really think this kid needs the support of loving parents, I agree with those who said it's his secret to tell. Given the alarming rate of depression/suicide among LGBT kids/teen, I don't feel right about ONLY addressing my own kid. It's not a desire to "tell someone else's story" -- it's a desire to see an extremely vulnerable kid kept safe by those entrusted with his care. He's eleven, not a college student or young adult.

I think that was a wise choice. I really hope they work with the parents on this!

[Rosie_0801]

I think someone needs to talk to the kids in the class about a few basics, like how it isn't anyone's business how someone else feels about them until that someone declares themselves. Then, if it is not reciprocated, how to respond politely and not feel or behave too uncomfortably.

[mamiof5]

If it was information that could lead to the injury of my own child (such as a threatened suicide), I would be upset if someone withheld the information. However, this information does not pose a risk to the student's life. If bullying were to occur and not be addressed, then that would warrant parental notification, but only of the bullying.

 

The parents comfort/offense should not be the primary focus of the situation, the student should be the focus of the situation.

This could totally lead to the injury of that child. We don't know what's going through his mind and how could he react :(

[mamiof5]

What a sad and complicated situation!! Will pray for him.

[QueenCat]

The OP is not a random parent who has no history with the family. 

 

Her history is very casual. She has indicated having a few casual conversations with the mom. Not in the friend category. OP doesn't know her well enough to know the family dynamics. I agree with those that say to go to the dean or someone at the school and let them deal with it.

[luuknam]

It is unethical of the school nurse to tell you such a thing. I'd be wary of sharing any information about my own child with the school if that is what happens. 

 

It would be unethical (and I think illegal) to tell that the girl *did* have an eating disorder (or not). Saying that (unnamed) others had called her about the same thing is entirely different though, since it doesn't say anything about the girl's medical history.

[MrsWeasley]

As the parent of a (much younger) child who go bullied when she attended school, I would have loved for another parent to be calling to advocate on my kids' behalf, as I felt very much like the school brushed it off. I hope for this kids' sake the administration is LGBT friendly, but it it isn't, you don't have to disclose that the bullying is because the kids' gay. You can call just because you are concerned about the kid being bullied.

[katilac]

The school nurse was incorrect no matter what she said. She should not be sharing information of any kind that relates to this girl's health or privacy, and the fact that several people called about an eating disorder crosses that line by a wide margin.