Do I really need to spell it out for ya? (Vent/JAWM)

[marbel]

School starts up and with it, women's events.  Bible studies, prayer meetings, breakfast or coffee get-togethers.  Some are during the day, some at night.  I've been invited to several already this week, and I've declined them all.

 

At home I have a homeschooling senior with LDs and executive function issues.  If he's going to college at all (most likely community college at first), this is my last chance to help him get ready.  Study skills, checklists, all that stuff. Between that and volunteer firefighter training (possibly related to career path, so important), it's busy.  I also have a homeschooling junior who is juggling a job and a dual-enrollment class at the CC.  Still needs me to drive, still needs support.

 

So I'm picking my other activities very carefully.

 

But people don't get it.  When I decline the invitations (with some regret, because they do sound good) I hear some variation on:

 

"You know, you deserve some time to do things for yourself."

 

Yes, yes I do.  That's why I'm declining this event:  because while this is something that would be nice to do, and would do if I had more free time, it's not high enough on my priority list to make time for it.  While I am interested, I am not that interested.

 

But I don't think people really want to hear me say that about their event.  

 

Please, people, just let others say no.  Don't press them for reasons, or tell them why your invitation is so important. 

 

(Fortunately I am good at saying no, and don't really care if others think I'm crazy because I want and need to discuss history and literature with my kids, or there's something wrong with my kids that they still need some educational support from me.)

 

 

[Bambam]

Good for you to have that wonderful ability to just say no. 

 

Great job on thinking about and understanding your priorities!

 

I'm glad there are good opportunities. That will help when all the kiddos leave home. 

[Ellie]

School starts up and with it, women's events.  Bible studies, prayer meetings, breakfast or coffee get-togethers.  Some are during the day, some at night.  I've been invited to several already this week, and I've declined them all.

 

At home I have a homeschooling senior with LDs and executive function issues.  If he's going to college at all (most likely community college at first), this is my last chance to help him get ready.  Study skills, checklists, all that stuff. Between that and volunteer firefighter training (possibly related to career path, so important), it's busy.  I also have a homeschooling junior who is juggling a job and a dual-enrollment class at the CC.  Still needs me to drive, still needs support.

 

So I'm picking my other activities very carefully.

 

But people don't get it.  When I decline the invitations (with some regret, because they do sound good) I hear some variation on:

 

"You know, you deserve some time to do things for yourself."

 

Yes, yes I do.  That's why I'm declining this event:  because while this is something that would be nice to do, and would do if I had more free time, it's not high enough on my priority list to make time for it.  While I am interested, I am not that interested.

 

But I don't think people really want to hear me say that about their event.  

 

Please, people, just let others say no.  Don't press them for reasons, or tell them why your invitation is so important. 

 

(Fortunately I am good at saying no, and don't really care if others think I'm crazy because I want and need to discuss history and literature with my kids, or there's something wrong with my kids that they still need some educational support from me.)

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Why do people feel compelled to tell you that you "deserve" something? :huh:

[MysteryJen]

I told a friend last week, "No is a complete sentence."

 

I has taken me a while, but I no longer explain anything to anyone who is not really interested.

 

And people just don't get homeschooling high school and the draining complications of LDs.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Good for you to have that wonderful ability to just say no. 

 

Great job on thinking about and understanding your priorities!

 

I'm glad there are good opportunities. That will help when all the kiddos leave home. 

 

:iagree:  I've found that this is a big disconnect between introverts and extroverts. The extroverts in my life simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND why I turn down mom's night out-type events, because doesn't everyone want a relaxing night away from the kids? Yeah, I do. And I want to be ALONE when I have it :lol: 

[happi duck]

I have found that saying no must never be accompanied by any hint of regret or else people go into problem solving mode.

 

"No but thanks for asking" or "no thanks but I'm sure you'll have a great time" are my go to phrases.

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree. 

I think people have good intentions making sure everyone is invited, but when they ask for an explanation or play the "You need 'me' time" card, it's irritating.  I'm not accustomed to explaining myself either.

[J-rap]

I'm lucky.  I live in a Scandinavian community where people are too reserved to push or question.  So once I say no, that's it.  People just accept it.  :)

 

[Angie in VA]

I told a friend last week, "No is a complete sentence."

 

 

:iagree:

 

I have found that saying no must never be accompanied by any hint of regret or else people go into problem solving mode.

 

"No but thanks for asking" or "no thanks but I'm sure you'll have a great time" are my go to phrases.

 

:hurray:  Brilliant.

[gardenmom5]

Hugs.

Some are like my grandmother who only thought you wanted her if you begged.

Like the airhead in PnP who didn't understand why the gentleman didn't ask her to marry him again after she coyly said no the first time.

[marbel]

I have found that saying no must never be accompanied by any hint of regret or else people go into problem solving mode.

 

"No but thanks for asking" or "no thanks but I'm sure you'll have a great time" are my go to phrases.

 

That is true. 

 

I will have to watch to see if the regret is just in my mind (because there is a tiny bit) or also in my voice.   I'll watch for expressions of it in email too.   I don't think I express regret; usually it's just  "sorry, can't do it, have a good time!"  But I might not be paying close enough attention.  :-)

[marbel]

Hugs.

Some are like my grandmother who only thought you wanted her if you begged.

Like the airhead in PnP who didn't understand why the gentleman didn't ask her to marry him again after she coyly said no the first time.

 

My sister is like this!  She assumes if I say no to something I'm just playing hard to get.  It's awful.

 

"No, no really, the kids don't like Dave and Busters. Seriously, no.  [Oldest] starts to go nuts in places like that, the lights and noise are too much stimulation for him.  No, it's not a matter of the money!  We don't want you to pay for it!  We just don't want to go!"

 

[SKL]

As a mom of b&m schooled kids, I don't get it either.  Most moms with school-aged kids have jobs.  While some of them might be available for a mid-morning prayer group, the vast majority will never have a chance.  Now, I work at home, and I might could swing it if it were my highest priority.  But really?  I believe God wants me to sleep, eat, exercise, and maybe do a little reading if I ever get that much time in a day.  :P  (I do enjoy attending Sunday School while my kids attend theirs.  In that case there is no feeling of being pulled in two directions AKA "worldly guilt" because I can say SS is required for my kids' school.)

 

In the church I attend, I'm sure the women who do go to the prayer group feel like better Christians than those of us who prioritize worldly things like work and stuff.  Oh well, whatever makes them happy, right?

[Incognito]

That is true. 

 

I will have to watch to see if the regret is just in my mind (because there is a tiny bit) or also in my voice.   I'll watch for expressions of it in email too.   I don't think I express regret; usually it's just  "sorry, can't do it, have a good time!"  But I might not be paying close enough attention.  :-)

 

"Sorry" and "Can't do it" both imply things that could possibly be fixed and/or regret/that you are stuck. 

 

FWIW, since they are trying so hard to have you come I'd just take it as flattery that they would like your company at the event(s) and move on.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: Op...  This is one of those season times in your life and before you know it, you will likely find yourself with lots of time for self indulgence.

 

Btdt, over and over.  I've been lectured to about my lack of self love and the dooming of my marriage.  (Big shrug, I've been married for decades now and at least that one has been dropped from list.)  

[Professormom]

School starts up and with it, women's events. Bible studies, prayer meetings, breakfast or coffee get-togethers. Some are during the day, some at night. I've been invited to several already this week, and I've declined them all.

 

At home I have a homeschooling senior with LDs and executive function issues. If he's going to college at all (most likely community college at first), this is my last chance to help him get ready. Study skills, checklists, all that stuff. Between that and volunteer firefighter training (possibly related to career path, so important), it's busy. I also have a homeschooling junior who is juggling a job and a dual-enrollment class at the CC. Still needs me to drive, still needs support.

 

So I'm picking my other activities very carefully.

 

But people don't get it. When I decline the invitations (with some regret, because they do sound good) I hear some variation on:

 

"You know, you deserve some time to do things for yourself."

 

Yes, yes I do. That's why I'm declining this event: because while this is something that would be nice to do, and would do if I had more free time, it's not high enough on my priority list to make time for it. While I am interested, I am not that interested.

 

But I don't think people really want to hear me say that about their event.

 

Please, people, just let others say no. Don't press them for reasons, or tell them why your invitation is so important.

 

(Fortunately I am good at saying no, and don't really care if others think I'm crazy because I want and need to discuss history and literature with my kids, or there's something wrong with my kids that they still need some educational support from me.)

I have noticed this as well. And I have also noticed the uptick in people wanting to "fix" your problem. I always wonder where personality traits fit into this equation. Many SAHMs in my group are former execs, etc. I know from experience when you leave a high-powered business environment to stay home with kids, it is a huge culture shock. I had to consciously work not to divert my "gifts" where they weren't wanted/needed, lol. Maybe that comes into play?

 

I wish I could pin a note like this to my lapel and point when this stuff comes up:

 

Ladies (general ladies, not you ladies:-), you are not my mother. I don't need someone to give me "me" time. I am perfectly capable of taking it when and if I need it. (Hint: that is why I am currently declining this invitation.) I also don't need your input in child-rearing, husband-loving, in-law dealing, and health issues. I don't need you to tell me that I would be able to do things like this if the kids were in school. I do at times sincerely regret that I cannot join you because the idea of what you are doing is probably worthwhile. It is just not worthwhile in THIS season, for ME. I do hope you enjoy yourselves and if you want to tell me about it later, when you and I are having an intimate coffee alone because we are really close friends, great. I just don't need "ladies" groups to complete me. Let me bow out gracefully, and save your energy. As moms, we all need as much of that as we can get!

 

FTR, I think some (probably many) people get a whole lot out of group activities. I am just not one of them and most of my friends know this about me. Yet, still. And just to be clear, the invitations are nice. I love it that the people in my life want me around. It is the response to a decline that gets frustrating.

[Valley Girl]

:iagree:  I've found that this is a big disconnect between introverts and extroverts. The extroverts in my life simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND why I turn down mom's night out-type events, because doesn't everyone want a relaxing night away from the kids? Yeah, I do. And I want to be ALONE when I have it :lol:

 

Exactly! If I had to go to a mom's night out, I'd need time to recover from that. No thanks. I totally get, though, that others are recharged by group activities and social things.

[Angie in VA]

My sister is like this!  She assumes if I say no to something I'm just playing hard to get.  It's awful.

 

"No, no really, the kids don't like Dave and Busters. Seriously, no.  [Oldest] starts to go nuts in places like that, the lights and noise are too much stimulation for him.  No, it's not a matter of the money!  We don't want you to pay for it!  We just don't want to go!"

 

 

Years ago I saw Gavin de Becker on O and he said, "When a man says no it's the end of a conversation. When a woman says no, it's the beginning of a negotiation."

 

That has stuck w/ me not just about the life-altering and life-threatening ways in which he meant it, but for little things too. 

 

I would only say the last sentence to your sister, but I don't have a sister, so what do I know?

[Mama Geek]

My MIL thinks I deserve perfume (which I am allergic too), a new wardrobe (which I could care less about), a dh that doesn't have Celiac, and time to myself.

 

It doesn't matter that I do things for myself if they aren't her idea of a a woman should want.  

 

Fortunately I don't run into too many people that I spend any time around who are like that.

[waa510]

I'm lucky.  I live in a Scandinavian community where people are too reserved to push or question.  So once I say no, that's it.  People just accept it.  :)

 

 

Yes, I think that's the key. Just live somewhere that has a culture of acceptance of what people say!! I love Japan for this reason. Everything is about making the other person feel comfortable and going above and beyond to consider their feelings. So if someone felt like you didn't want to do something, no pushing is coming your way.

 

 

I understand where you're coming from, though. So many people have no idea how much time and energy goes into homeschooling well. Or the concept that their idea of a fun time is my idea of a social nightmare. It can be truly exasperating and has earned me a nice reputation as being 'snobbish.'  :001_rolleyes:

[marbel]

"Sorry" and "Can't do it" both imply things that could possibly be fixed and/or regret/that you are stuck. 

 

FWIW, since they are trying so hard to have you come I'd just take it as flattery that they would like your company at the event(s) and move on.

 

That's funny!  I invite someone to something and they say "sorry, can't do it" my response is "ah, too bad, maybe next time."  I don't see anything to fix there.  :-)

[OnTheBrink]

OH, do I hear you. Here comes fall and here come fall activities. I'm being very picky about what I do, and I'm not going to events simply because I have done so in the past. I'm back in school and my dd is a freshman in college and I just don't need to attend events for the sake of attending them. Upcoming hay ride--not going. Regional church picnic--didn't bother. Church retreat--nope. These are all events that can be fun, but they can also be noisy, crowded, and difficult for me. I am signing up for the women's group thing, but that's just once a month. I can deal with that. But for the most part, leave me alone--I'm busy!

[El...]

Years ago I saw Gavin de Becker on O and he said, "When a man says no it's the end of a conversation. When a woman says no, it's the beginning of a negotiation."

 

That has stuck w/ me not just about the life-altering and life-threatening ways in which he meant it, but for little things too. 

 

I would only say the last sentence to your sister, but I don't have a sister, so what do I know?

Dang.  That's quite a statement on gender in culture!  I'm going to think that through for a while. 

[trulycrabby]

I'm lucky. I live in a Scandinavian community where people are too reserved to push or question. So once I say no, that's it. People just accept it. :)

Sounds like a wonderful place! :)

[Mimm]

I hate when people ask, "What are you doing this weekend?" Ummm, tell me first so I know if I'm "busy". I know that sounds kind of cold but there are certain things it's worth making time in my schedule for and certain things it's not worth it for. I try to say something vague like, "I'm not sure, I need to check my calendar. Why, what's up?"

 

I have a friend who always wants to do "girls nights" where everyone gets dolled up (I didn't post in the formal wear thread but I hate getting dressed up) and hit up several places late at night. Drinks here, dinner there, dessert somewhere else with a whole group of people I don't know very well. It sounds exhausting and expensive and annoying. I went to dinner with her and a bunch of friends one time and they picked a place that was so loud, conversation was almost impossible except with the person sitting right next to you and the only people I knew there weren't seated next to me.

 

I don't mean to rant about this. But she's an old friend and we have very different ideas of what's fun and as a result, we don't end up spending very much time together. She's the typical extrovert and I'm the typical introvert. I do deserve time to myself. And that pretty much involves telling my husband not to let the kids bother me while I lock myself in our room with a cup of coffee and a book. :)

[mamiof5]

For some folks you do (my sister for example). My case was not about saying no to an activity, but saying no to a new wardrobe and doing my hair more often (because otherwise I am not that pretty I guess?)...for her bday she asked that we went shopping and went to get a haircut... that's what SHE wanted us to do together. I ended getting a haircut, she lied about wanting one for her...all because she thought I desperately needed a makeover. It really upset me, some folks don't know boundaries. Anyhow, yeah...unfortunately sometimes you have to spell it out, and even if you do...they still don't get it :(

[Katy]

I hate girls nights almost as much as I hate girls weekends.  No, I don't want to spend money on hotels, booze, going to restaurants where I probably can't eat anything due to food allergies, shopping for things I don't want and don't need all in the name of togetherness.  The whole process is exhausting to me.

 

If I were the OP, I'd pick a time to rant when most of the guilty parties were there and then I would very carefully go at it.  At the first sign of pushback when it's also appropriate to do so, I'd say something like the Gavin De Becker quote above.  "Why is it that when a man says no people take him seriously but when a woman says no people think it's okay to argue, nag, negotiate, or manipulate her?  I'm an adult.  I don't need mothering, and I don't understand why people think it's okay to manipulate me.  I said no!"

 

Now, you'd have to know if you're capable of saying that in a modulated tone so that people take you seriously without thinking you're a total ***ch.  Some people can pull that sort of rant off and some people can't.  Others just don't care.

 

Another option would be when you get pushback would be to raise one eyebrow and say, "Absolutely not.  I already said no."

[marbel]

I hate girls nights almost as much as I hate girls weekends.  No, I don't want to spend money on hotels, booze, going to restaurants where I probably can't eat anything due to food allergies, shopping for things I don't want and don't need all in the name of togetherness.  The whole process is exhausting to me.

 

If I were the OP, I'd pick a time to rant when most of the guilty parties were there and then I would very carefully go at it.  At the first sign of pushback when it's also appropriate to do so, I'd say something like the Gavin De Becker quote above.  "Why is it that when a man says no people take him seriously but when a woman says no people think it's okay to argue, nag, negotiate, or manipulate her?  I'm an adult.  I don't need mothering, and I don't understand why people think it's okay to manipulate me.  I said no!"

 

Now, you'd have to know if you're capable of saying that in a modulated tone so that people take you seriously without thinking you're a total ***ch.  Some people can pull that sort of rant off and some people can't.  Others just don't care.

 

Another option would be when you get pushback would be to raise one eyebrow and say, "Absolutely not.  I already said no."

 

I haven't done exactly that, but something similar in certain situations.

 

Now that I've become an "older woman" and have a lot of younger women (especially young moms) in my life, I feel like I can say some things and be taken seriously at least some of the time.   I encourage learning how and when to say no.   Because a lot of my life and friendships are related to my church, I get opportunities to remind women that there is a difference between serving God and serving "the church" and that there is no shame in being a good mama to their little ones rather than leading or even participating in a group Bible study.   Or not feeling pressured to take a leadership role in a new mom's group (to take it outside church context) because she would rather not have to be there every single week. 

 

I also never argue when people say no, and never back down from a no that I've given.  Eventually some people get it.  :-)

 

My bigger problem is with the women my age and older, most of whom are empty-nesters, or, if they have kids in high school, their kids go to school.   So while they know in their brains that I have kids at home, at least one of whom needs a lot of support, they still feel that I should be more like them - more free to go out for lunch, for coffee, and do it with them, because... who else would I want to do those things with? 

 

And I do enjoy spending time with most of them, sometimes.  Not every week. 

 

Since I'm talking about church, I want to be clear that the church leadership doesn't pressure people to join in every activity.  They are very hands-off, though supportive of people doing things together.  

 

[Angie in VA]

Dang.  That's quite a statement on gender in culture!  I'm going to think that through for a while. 

 

I know. I worried about posting that, especially w/o qualifying it, and admitting I was taking it out of context. Right after I saw this show, I walked into a Walmart-like store and a man at a temporary booth/table selling photo packages was doing a hard sell to a woman. I was reminded of the Gavin de Becker quote (which is not in the clip I linked. I can't find that), and see it in sales often. One time Dh and I were car shopping and the salesman told me, "I hear you're the boss." I knew I was being played and I was annoyed by it. 

 

So, I apologize for the blanket statement. I shared it b/c the extreme examples in the show are what got me to realize I could set more boundaries in my everyday life.

[KarenC]

And people just don't get homeschooling high school and the draining complications of LDs.

You're not kidding.  I'm right there with you.

[marbel]

I know. I worried about posting that, especially w/o qualifying it, and admitting I was taking it out of context. Right after I saw

, I walked into a Walmart-like store and a man at a temporary booth/table selling photo packages was doing a hard sell to a woman. I was reminded of the Gavin de Becker quote (which is not in the clip I linked. I can't find that), and see it in sales often. One time Dh and I were car shopping and the salesman told me, "I hear you're the boss." I knew I was being played and I was annoyed by it. 

 

So, I apologize for the blanket statement. I shared it b/c the extreme examples in the show are what got me to realize I could set more boundaries in my everyday life.

 

I don't know... in my experience... I agree with the quote.  In general, of course.  But overall... yeah.

 

[kristi26]

:iagree:  I've found that this is a big disconnect between introverts and extroverts. The extroverts in my life simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND why I turn down mom's night out-type events, because doesn't everyone want a relaxing night away from the kids? Yeah, I do. And I want to be ALONE when I have it :lol:

 

:iagree: Amen!!

[Ellie]

I haven't done exactly that, but something similar in certain situations.

 

Now that I've become an "older woman" and have a lot of younger women (especially young moms) in my life, I feel like I can say some things and be taken seriously at least some of the time.   I encourage learning how and when to say no.   Because a lot of my life and friendships are related to my church, I get opportunities to remind women that there is a difference between serving God and serving "the church" and that there is no shame in being a good mama to their little ones rather than leading or even participating in a group Bible study.   Or not feeling pressured to take a leadership role in a new mom's group (to take it outside church context) because she would rather not have to be there every single week. 

 

I also never argue when people say no, and never back down from a no that I've given.  Eventually some people get it.  :-)

 

My bigger problem is with the women my age and older, most of whom are empty-nesters, or, if they have kids in high school, their kids go to school.   So while they know in their brains that I have kids at home, at least one of whom needs a lot of support, they still feel that I should be more like them - more free to go out for lunch, for coffee, and do it with them, because... who else would I want to do those things with? 

 

And I do enjoy spending time with most of them, sometimes.  Not every week. 

 

Since I'm talking about church, I want to be clear that the church leadership doesn't pressure people to join in every activity.  They are very hands-off, though supportive of people doing things together.  

 

 

:iagree: ...with everything, but especially the bold text.

 

[Angie in VA]

:iagree:  I've found that this is a big disconnect between introverts and extroverts. The extroverts in my life simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND why I turn down mom's night out-type events, because doesn't everyone want a relaxing night away from the kids? Yeah, I do. And I want to be ALONE when I have it :lol:

 

Q: How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

 

A: One. Why does it have to be a group activity?!

[Janie Grace]

In the church I attend, I'm sure the women who do go to the prayer group feel like better Christians than those of us who prioritize worldly things like work and stuff.  Oh well, whatever makes them happy, right?

 

Wow, that's pretty judgey. I go to a prayer group and have never once "felt like a better Christian" because of it. I go because I enjoy it. I don't care who comes and who doesn't (I give them the same freedom I enjoy to set their own schedules!)... and I certainly don't characterize the latter as "prioritizing worldly things."  :confused1: Sheesh, can't we just live and let live?

[SKL]

Wow, that's pretty judgey. I go to a prayer group and have never once "felt like a better Christian" because of it. I go because I enjoy it. I don't care who comes and who doesn't (I give them the same freedom I enjoy to set their own schedules!)... and I certainly don't characterize the latter as "prioritizing worldly things."  :confused1: Sheesh, can't we just live and let live?

 

I said at the church I go to.  I know these people and I've heard them say things like that.  I'm not saying anything about other churches.  Though it may be true for some of them.  In the church we attend, feeling superior because of church attendance etc. is openly encouraged, and it bothers me.

[Janie Grace]

I said at the church I go to.  I know these people and I've heard them say things like that.  I'm not saying anything about other churches.

 

My bad. I thought you were inferring what they were thinking. If you have actually heard them utter, "we are better Christians than those who don't attend prayer group," you certainly have reason to be irritated. I can't imagine going to church with people who would actually verbalize that kind vitriol. 

[Katy]

I get the whole desire for togetherness.  I get that it can be difficult to cultivate friendships when you're a mother and you have to make it priority.  I DO NOT get the need to nag or manipulate or cajole when someone says no.  No means no.

[mamiof5]

I do have to say I love our girls' weekend though. The one weekend a year when I get to relax and do absolutely nothing. Couldn't go this summer, but missed it terribly :(

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Q: How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

 

A: One. Why does it have to be a group activity?!

 

:smilielol5:  I've had that very thought! Why why WHY do we have to make everything a community-building event? Why can't we just do it and get it done? Haven't you learned by the lack of participation/assistance/volunteers at every one of these things in the past that the majority of us don't need or want these things? Can't we just fulfill our primary purpose and move on? Are you people trying to KILL me?! 

 

I think that last part is the Introverts' Lament! :lol: It's always the same handful of people trying to pull that stuff together too, and the rest of us are like, "Frankly, we have a million more important things to do right now."

[momacacia]

Yes I do deserve some time for myself, and I'm carving that time out by not coming to your activity. :)

[OnTheBrink]

I hate when people ask, "What are you doing this weekend?" Ummm, tell me first so I know if I'm "busy". I know that sounds kind of cold but there are certain things it's worth making time in my schedule for and certain things it's not worth it for. I try to say something vague like, "I'm not sure, I need to check my calendar. Why, what's up?"

 

I have a friend who always wants to do "girls nights" where everyone gets dolled up (I didn't post in the formal wear thread but I hate getting dressed up) and hit up several places late at night. Drinks here, dinner there, dessert somewhere else with a whole group of people I don't know very well. It sounds exhausting and expensive and annoying. I went to dinner with her and a bunch of friends one time and they picked a place that was so loud, conversation was almost impossible except with the person sitting right next to you and the only people I knew there weren't seated next to me.

 

I don't mean to rant about this. But she's an old friend and we have very different ideas of what's fun and as a result, we don't end up spending very much time together. She's the typical extrovert and I'm the typical introvert. I do deserve time to myself. And that pretty much involves telling my husband not to let the kids bother me while I lock myself in our room with a cup of coffee and a book. :)

 

A friend of mine once told me, "Just say you have plans. Doesn't matter what they actually are. You can have plans to pick your nose. It's just a legitimate of a plan as anything else!"

 

And conversely, I never ask people what they're doing; I say, "If you're free Saturday, would you/could you/do you want to..." Gives people an out without feeling awkward or feeling like they have to lie.

[LucyStoner]

I have thus far resisted the urge to tell people that I find none of the activities and events attached to their invites to be more interesting than what I would otherwise be doing. And I'm not even introverted.

[tammyw]

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Why do people feel compelled to tell you that you "deserve" something? :huh:

 

Haha. I heard this a few times years ago. Actually, homeschooling IS for me too. I learn a ton, I get to read great books, watch wonderful movies and documentaries, I get to spend quality time with my children, I have an incredible relationship with them, I'm closer than ever with my 12 year old daughter (a time I've heard others comparing to devil-time, lol), I get to spend time on the computer researching amazing books and other fun stuff (my favorite hobby), and I get to take pictures of them whenever I want, in whatever way I want, because they are with  me most of the time (I'm a serious hobbyist photographer). Some people can't imagine that THIS is what I want, simply because it's not something THEY could ever imagine wanting. Eh.

 

OP - I say good for you! I love being able to say NO to things, guilt free!