Indulge my curiosity: acceptance of a gift you don't want poll

[Ginevra]

I'm reading a very interesting book called Influence; actually, it came about because of HomeschoolMom in AZ's question about suceptibility to cults. Anyway, there is a part talking about studies where having received a gift from someone, one feels indebted to the gift-giver and "automatically" tends to reciprocate: favor for a favor. I do believe this is most often true, but I am wondering what you tend to do when you are offered something you do not use/drink/eat, etc.

 

There is a study example of the researcher giving the person a soda, which they didn't ask for, which then prompts the feeling of indebtedness. In the study, every person accepts the offered soda, and every person then responds favorably to the request to buy raffle tickets. I personally do not drink soda. I don't like it and it makes my stomach hurt. I haven't had a Coke in years and years. I *think* it is most probable that I would graciously decline the offered soda, and then I would also feel less indebted to buy tickets later. I have actually had this scenario play out before without even realizing I was reducing my indebtedness, although I can also think of some scenarios where I accepted the gift, while in my head I was saying, "I don't want this." (I literally did this just yesterday on DD's college tour, where I accepted a tube of Verizon lipbalm, though I don't need lipbalm and don't respect Verizon.)

 

In sum, I know sometimes I accept a gift, though I don't want it, and in other cases, I turn down the gift because the rational part of my mind "wins," and I know to say, "no thank you; I cannot drink soda," or whatever the offering is. How often do you think you accept an undesired gift? Can you pount to anything about yourself that makes you more or less receptive to accepting these gifts?

 

ETA: P.S. For the purposes of this poll, I mostly mean "strangers" or businesses, not your mom or best friend.

[SparklyUnicorn]

No I would not accept something I did not want, unless I thought the person would be very hurt by it.  An example was growing up I had a paper route in a retirement community so often times I was the highlight of some people's day and they would offer me stuff like cookies, candy, etc.  I took them even though I really did not want them because I think it meant something to them that I took them.  I never felt like it meant we were forever indebted to each other.

 

In most situations I would decline though and not feel bad about it. 

 

 

[creekland]

It really depends on the situation for me.  I have no issues rejecting sweet stuff most of the time, but when it's a special friend/neighbor, etc, then I'll usually accept it and bring it home for my guys to eat.

 

From businesses I have no problem saying no.

[Crimson Wife]

It depends on the gift offered. If it is something that needs to be consumed on-the-spot like a soda, I don't have any qualms about politely declining. If it is something that can be quietly regifted like a bottle of wine, I'd probably do that.

[SproutMamaK]

I can't answer the poll, because for me it completely depends on my relationship with and/or impression of the person offering and how they will respond to a refusal. if it's a new acquaintance who I'm just meeting or a good friend who I know finds their value in serving others or giving gifts, I'll accept to be kind. If it's a casual or good friend who I'm slightly comfortable with, I'll politely decline. In either case, I don't really have a sense of indebtedness to them any more than I would to anyone else. That being said, I am in general quite inclined to feel obligated to help people out in general (unless they're asking me to spend money, lol), so that's probably why a small favour doesn't increase that feeling.... I'm already maxed out on that to begin with. ;)

[73349]

If I'm not acquainted with the giver, it's easy to say "no, thanks."

 

If it's someone I know, I'm more apt to accept politely and then quietly dispose of the item later.

[SKL]

If it's a stranger, I would normally politely refuse, especially something like pop which I would just waste.

 

It might depend on the culture, though.  And if I'm in a situation where I'm not sure what is culturally acceptable, I will try to figure out some cues.  Because sometimes it is culturally rude to accept, sometimes it is culturally rude to refuse, and sometimes you are supposed to refuse x times before you accept.  :p

 

So when we visited China, our tour guide took us to someone's private home, a person he said was his personal friend, and they offered us tea.  I was not sure if this was really a standard part of the tour, or an actual private home, and what was the proper etiquette as far as sitting down to drink tea vs. saying "no thanks, we really want to get to our next stop soon."  Ya know?  In the end we sat down for tea.

 

Then there was a time in India when we were visiting a slum school.  Again someone offered us tea.  Now in India, you are supposed to refuse 2x and then accept.  One of our party was worried about the cleanliness (water in an Indian slum?).  The local person whom we trusted told us that as it was made with love, it could not hurt us, and we should drink it.  So we did.  (And I'm still here to talk about it.)

 

And then there was the time in a restaurant here in the USA, where I realized after ordering that I'd forgotten my wallet at home.  I asked the waitress to cancel my order, but my kids got these sad looks on their faces.  An elderly couple insisted on giving me $20 to cover the meal.  At first I refused, but eventually I realized that it would hurt them more if I didn't accept the gift.  So then I graciously accepted it and promised that I would "pay it forward."  I was very embarrassed though.  :p

[Aiden]

For me, it all depends on the situation.

 

The easiest situation: I'm walking down the street, or through a mall, and some random person tries to give me a small gift. I assume that this will be followed by a request for me to buy something or give them something, so I say no without even looking at what they're offering.

 

The more common situation: I move a lot, to different countries. I often am not familiar with the local culture at first. When I go into a shop, it is common in some cultures for the shopkeeper to offer refreshments. I used to decline, so I wouldn't feel obligated to buy anything if I didn't find anything I wanted. Then I discovered that in many cultures, this isn't a gift that creates indebtedness; this is hospitality, and it is highly insulting to decline. I don't decline anymore, no matter how full I am or how disgusting I find the refreshments to be. Even if the refreshments include a glass of water and I can't drink the water safely, I accept it. I just don't drink it.

 

If a friend or acquaintance offers me a gift that I don't particularly want, it's usually clear from the situation why they're offering it. If it's because it's something they're just getting rid of and I happen to be around, I decline. If I think that they truly want to give it to me in particular and think I'll like it, I usually accept it.

 

Occasionally I'll find myself visiting a member of the local culture with a friend who knows the individuals. If offered anything there, I follow the lead of my friend who's more familiar with the individual and the culture.

[SKL]

I find this more complex in the "friend but not best friend" category.  I had this one friend whom I frankly dropped because of her giving shenanigans.  It sounds crazy, I know.  She would host me and then refuse to let me pay when I hosted her.  She'd say "it cheapens the friendship if you try to keep score like that."  I felt like a slob because she would pay for me and my kids and never let me reciprocate.  I'd take my kids to the bathroom and she'd sneak and pay when we were gone.  She brought gifts to my kid's no-gift 1st birthday party.  I came to dread getting together at all.  I started deleting her messages.

 

She was from a culture where gift giving / hospitality is really big.  However, I have always been more financially comfortable than she.  I could pay for dinner.  :/

[rocassie]

I voted based on the gift giver being a business or stranger.  If I don't want whatever it is they are offering, I refuse.  I don't actually see it as a gift, in particular businesses/individuals that are handing out "freebies" in the hope that somehow I will then "give" them something in return.  I believe a gift should be freely given with no expectation of anything in return.

[SKL]

Oh, and I dated a guy who got angry because my parents gave him a small gift when he visited at Christmas.  He complained that now they would expect him to reciprocate, which was an obnoxious thought to him.  (He did not need to reciprocate and did not in fact reciprocate.)  But he didn't have any problem demanding my brother-in-law to help fix his car for free.  :P  OK he was just a loon.  :P

[Jean in Newcastle]

Strangers or businesses - I have absolutely no trouble politely refusing and feel no sense of obligation at all.

 

Personal aquaintances, friends, family members - I would never ever refuse a gift even if it was promptly trashed as soon as the person left (rare but it did happen when MIL gave dd a "hooker" Halloween costume.  I still accepted it, had dd say "thank you" even though dd whispered to me that it was a "naughty dress" and then threw it out as soon as she left.  I didn't even consider giving it to Goodwill! )

 

Personal aquaintances, friends, family members - I would still not feel obligated.  I might reciprocate but it would be because I genuinely wanted to.

[QueenCat]

I think part of it depends on how you define "gift". I wouldn't consider someone offering sodas to people to drink then and there a "gift".

[marbel]

Since you said the giver is a stranger or a business, I said I'd usually not accept it.  I don't think it's rude to decline a gift being offered by a stranger or a business.  To  me that's not a gift but a business opportunity.

 

I still hold a grudge against a particular charity over a "gift" I received many years ago. This is not quite the same thing as you are asking.  I was sent a calendar in the mail.  Pretty typical end-of-year "gift" to supporters / donation solicitation.  Since I had not asked for the calendar, I didn't feel I was under any obligation to respond to the donation request.  Apparently the charity felt I was obligated though, as I started receiving dunning letters, requesting payment for the calendar.  (OK they weren't exactly dunning letters because they did not threaten me with a collection agency, but it was clear that they'd expected a donation in exchange for their cheap calendar.) 

 

 

 

 

[LucyStoner]

If it's just a offered item, I have zero trouble saying no. If people go over my no (as my dad did with a fugly family heirloom painting), I have zero trouble disposing of it.

 

If it's an actual gift (generally given on gift giving occasions), I would never reject it unless it came from an inappropriate source. I also have zero trouble disposing of anything someone gives me that I do not want.

[Guest]

No. I just say no when I don't want something, whether from a stranger, my mother, my husband or children.

 

That's sort of like the people at the farmer's market that want to talk to you about solar panels or something like that. I know a woman who stops every. single. time. someone smiles at her and asks if she has a minute. And she HATES it. But she feels rude if she goes by or says no. They totally take advantage of that. She's also the type to let salesmen in her home. ::shudder::

[regentrude]

Let's define "gift".

If somebody wrapped the can of soda and presented it to me as a birthday gift, I would thank and gracefully accept and then give it away, since I don't drink any.

If somebody handed me a soda just because, I would thank and refuse.

 

So basically, stuff that is just offered to me I have no trouble refusing. Actual gifts on an occasion, I accept because I am polite.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dh is the one who stops and talks to every salesperson.  The charities have started asking directly for him on the phone.  I tell them that he isn't home even if he's sitting two feet from me.  He will say yes and give away money we don't have.  (We do give liberally to charity but one's we've chosen and vetted.)

 

I used to work in marketing for a time.  I know the tricks they use to get an "in" with people.  I have no trouble saying no to that.  

[Guest]

I think part of it depends on how you define "gift". I wouldn't consider someone offering sodas to people to drink then and there a "gift".

But that is part of how this marketing ploy works: you are being given a"gift," even if a soda does not rank important to you whatsoever. When a charity send you a blanket, or holiday cards, or address lables, they are giving you a gift under this marketing principle, even if you don't think address lables are much of a gift.

 

I can think of another instance that illustrates this principle. I am very opposed to disposable water bottles and will almost always refuse any offer of bottled water (assuming there is potable water available). Additionally, I nearly always have a refillable bottle of water in hand or nearby. But I realize that it is "easy" for me to decline an offered bottle if I have my own in hand; it is obvious that I don't need water. However, if I don't have my water bottle with me, I have watched in surprise of myself as I accepted an offered bottle of water, while in my head, I am saying, "But I don't drink these!"

 

I'm also wondering if this comes into play between friends when one friend adopts new beliefs, and does this hurt the freindship sub-consciously. So, if Bob quits drinking beer, but goes over Tom's house, and Tom offers Bob a beer, as he always previously has, but this time Bob says, "No, thank you. I quit drinking, man." Tom is very likely to be taken aback, and perhaps the reason is not *entirely* because now Tom feels judged for drinking beer. It may also be that Bob is putting the kabosh on a reciprocity that has previously been shared between them.

[Guest]

Influence is a great book, and really changes how one deals with social interactions and marketing/sales, too!

 

I pretty much always politely refuse. Even from close friends. I may say "No thank you, I don't need that. I really appreciate you thinking of me, though!" But it's a rare day I'll take something I don't need. I might accept borderline things I think may have usefulness to me, but nothing that I outright don't want or need.

 

Someone on one of my favorite low carb blogs posited that this was a predictor of diet success for us - those were completely inept at or unaffected by social cues and niceties seemed so much more able to stick to their guns because we could weather being 'weird' and not joining in with the crowd on eating. Taking buns off things, packing food, refusing desserts repeatedly foisted on us - some people struggle very much with that not because they want to eat it, themselves, and are tempted. Rather they struggle because they don't want to disappoint or offend someone else's expectations. Which is the worst reason on earth to eat the damn cake ;)

[Guest]

Oh, and if it is wrapped up and addressed specifically to me? I'll always accept. That's different than someone trying to foist a shirt or book on me they feel guilty tossing (a la Konmari) or trying to wheedle me into buying or eating something I don't want or need. If it is a family member and a true, addressed to me gift, I'll open it because I don't know what is in it. If it isn't right for me I'll find a way to dispose of it. Not knowing what the gift is, but that it is specifically intended for an occasion for me, is a different animal. I should have been more clear :)

[Farrar]

Oh, I should have read your whole thing first. I chose other mostly because it does depend so much from situation to situation. A wrapped up gift from someone I think is rude to turn down. But I hate soda. A soda offered at a party or something - I'm not taking that. But occasionally there's a situation where someone is super keen to give you something. They don't take no for an answer. I do take it just to help everything smooth over. And then give it or toss it or donate it away. I don't feel any sense of obligation for that.

[Murphy101]

Not family/friends? I have no problem declining. Because I don't view it as a gift. It's not a gift. It's marketing. I have no issue declining marketing. And this applies to nearly all not family/friend giving. Be it a PTA thing or a church luncheon or home school meeting. They aren't giving *just* to give or bc they think I *just* really will love it. They are giving in hopes to garner favor with me. Maybe to encourage me to join their group. Maybe to get me to donate money or services. Maybe to get me to participate more.

 

Also, in the study, I suspect it was not sugar free soda either.

 

Blood sugar fluctuations are a well documented way to influence decision making and emotions. I question whether it was the "gift" that caused them to be more likely to buy or the sugar. The social expectations is of course a factor, but in that example I have several questions before I would agree it was THE factor.

[LucyStoner]

I don't see marketing freebies as gifts at all. I say no or accept the stuff I want without being swayed to give or buy just because of the "gift".

[Katy]

I think this really depends on the context.  If I'm at my grandmother's house and she offers to hand down something I'll turn it down if I don't want it.

 

If it's a social occasion that calls for a gift (dinner party, holiday exchange, etc), I graciously accept and pass it on later, even if I hate it.

 

I'm frequently offered food that I'm allergic to.  People get weird boundaries about foods, and I frequently find myself having to say no thank you and refuse several times, and eventually confess I cannot have it because I'm allergic.  Sometimes they still pressure me about food, and occassionally they don't stop until I mention driving to the emergency room when my throat closes up...  I don't know if this is a weird, they want to have junk food thing and assume I'm lying about the allergy, or what their problem is.

 

There have been times when someone offered me food and I felt weird about it, like they were trying to manipulate me somehow but couldn't put my finger on exactly how.  I turned them down every time.  Most of those cases were in college and I found out later they were offering something with drugs in it, knowing I didn't do drugs.

[Jean in Newcastle]

PS - if I'm at a fair or some such event where there are sales booths with free gifts, I will visit booths with free "gifts" that I want, with no sense of obligation to buy or seriously consider their product.  I will be polite and talk to the people at the booth.  The gifts are part of their advertising budget.  
"

[Guest]

I don't see marketing freebies as gifts at all. I say no or accept the stuff I want without being swayed to give or buy just because of the "gift".

I think that, too, but obviously this does work more often than not, because it is a verifiable technique that is used with tremendous success in all sorts of settings and with all sorts of intentions. Have you ever bought a package of yogurt pops from a warehouse store, because the kids and you accepted a sample and decided you liked it?

 

Yesterday, at the convocation ceremony for DD to begin college, student assistants handed out paper fans and a sticker. I have a theory about why they would do this. At the end of the ceremony, they had specific instructions for the parents and families who would now be taking leave of their students. They requested we remain on the greens and say our goodbyes right there, after which the students would return to the tent for their orientation beginning. I believe that the fan and the sticker handed out at the beginning is meant to lubricate compliance. Having received a gift (insignificant though it was), we were all passively at least a *little* more disposed to then behaving cohesively and not disturbing the plan they have learned is ideal. Give a little gift that increases compliance, then ask the families to complete goodbyes right at the site, and have a "bookend" on the time required to say goodbye to help parents and families make this transition in a decisive way. It is true there is nothing nefarious about the college giving out fans and stickers, so most people will accept them when offered. But I do believe it serves a purpose beyond making sure parents don't get sweaty during the ceremony.

[Guest]

 

 

I'm frequently offered food that I'm allergic to.  People get weird boundaries about foods, and I frequently find myself having to say no thank you and refuse several times, and eventually confess I cannot have it because I'm allergic.  Sometimes they still pressure me about food, and occassionally they don't stop until I mention driving to the emergency room when my throat closes up...  I don't know if this is a weird, they want to have junk food thing and assume I'm lying about the allergy, or what their problem is.

 

 

 

^^That happens to me a lot too. It irks me to no end because it's like...*I* am not being weird about this. Allergies are a medical thing...You're making it weird. Stop.

----

I was thinking...this is why "parties" that people "throw" for things like pampered chef bother me so much! I'm actually NOT going to buy your doodad because you heated up some meatballs on toothpicks, but thanks. I think people know the rigmarole of it now, but when I was growing up tupperware parties and the like were out of control. People just bleeding money basically, under the ruse of friendliness. And then it goes the other way too, the hostess gets a free make up bag, so she buys 120$ worth of make up to put in it.

[OnTheBrink]

I've only refused a gift once, but it was a weird situation. 

 

I was moving to my current house and a group of people from church were helping (the "moving deacons"). One of the deacon's wives came along to "help" (read: totally get on my very last freeking nerve). She made me insane. She questioned every single decision I made. She questioned my ability to know how to put my own bed together. By the end of the day, I wanted to kick her. So, when all my stuff was moved, I was relieved that she was leaving. I thought it was over. 

 

I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. 

 

That next Sunday, she approached me and told me she bought me a housewarming gift but she's left it at home. I said, "Ok, you can bring it next week. Thanks." She then said, "No, you need to invite me and my husband over to install it!" Imagine my surprise at that. So, I asked what it was. It was a hand-held shower massage. I politely said I was happy with my shower and while I appreciated the thought (freaky as it was), I had no use for it. She completely ignored that and again stated that I needed to invite her and her dh over to install it. I told her I could install it myself (read: donate to goodwill) and if wanted to bring it next week, that would be great. This was not acceptable to her at. all. I bowed out of the conversation and hoped she'd get the hint. She did not. 

 

This went on for a year. At least once a month, she'd corner me and ask me when I was going to invite her and her dh over to install this shower massage. Every time, I'd tell her thanks, but I could install it myself. Then I'd walk away. Finally, she cornered me in the church office and again, demanded to know when I was going to invite them over to install this thing. I finally said, "Thanks but I don't need it. I am happy with my shower; I have no need to change it." She said, "Are you suuuurrrreeee? You're going to loooooovvvvveeeeee iiiittttt," in such a creepy, sing-song way that the people in the office all stopped and looked up at her, with eyebrows raised. I flatly said, "No thank you. I don't want it," and walked out. 

 

I don't even want to know what the heck she was thinking and why she would not let it go. It's been 8 years since that happened and she still creeps me out. She follows me around, tries to get my attention, approaches me with bizarre conversation starters and most recently, has started sitting next to me in church. I now sit in a different spot each week in a row where there's no room for her to sit by me. She's even FB messaged my dd a couple of times, saying "hi!" or "congrats!" when she graduated high school. My dd and I both have her blocked now. 

 

I don't know what her deal is, but she massively creeps me out. That's my gift-refusal story. (You know, had she given it to me in the packaging in a gift bag, I'd have thought it was a weird gift, but not have been really creeped by it. But the insistence that I "invite her and her dh over" to install it was...icky. )

 

 

[vonfirmath]

I don't see marketing freebies as gifts at all. I say no or accept the stuff I want without being swayed to give or buy just because of the "gift".

 

Agreed. I've never seen them as a gift per se. Now if they give it to my kid? I am more likely to feel better about the store/etc.

[Guest]

On The Brink, that is an extremely bizarre story!

[LucyStoner]

Agreed. I've never seen them as a gift per se. Now if they give it to my kid? I am more likely to feel better about the store/etc.

Me too. I am much more favorable to giving my kids a balloon or stickers than I am to someone offering me something of actual value to test drive a car or open a bank account. I suppose the way to my consumer loyalty is through my sons' smiles.

[LucyStoner]

I've only refused a gift once, but it was a weird situation.

 

I was moving to my current house and a group of people from church were helping (the "moving deacons"). One of the deacon's wives came along to "help" (read: totally get on my very last freeking nerve). She made me insane. She questioned every single decision I made. She questioned my ability to know how to put my own bed together. By the end of the day, I wanted to kick her. So, when all my stuff was moved, I was relieved that she was leaving. I thought it was over.

 

I was wrong. I was very, very wrong.

 

That next Sunday, she approached me and told me she bought me a housewarming gift but she's left it at home. I said, "Ok, you can bring it next week. Thanks." She then said, "No, you need to invite me and my husband over to install it!" Imagine my surprise at that. So, I asked what it was. It was a hand-held shower massage. I politely said I was happy with my shower and while I appreciated the thought (freaky as it was), I had no use for it. She completely ignored that and again stated that I needed to invite her and her dh over to install it. I told her I could install it myself (read: donate to goodwill) and if wanted to bring it next week, that would be great. This was not acceptable to her at. all. I bowed out of the conversation and hoped she'd get the hint. She did not.

 

This went on for a year. At least once a month, she'd corner me and ask me when I was going to invite her and her dh over to install this shower massage. Every time, I'd tell her thanks, but I could install it myself. Then I'd walk away. Finally, she cornered me in the church office and again, demanded to know when I was going to invite them over to install this thing. I finally said, "Thanks but I don't need it. I am happy with my shower; I have no need to change it." She said, "Are you suuuurrrreeee? You're going to loooooovvvvveeeeee iiiittttt," in such a creepy, sing-song way that the people in the office all stopped and looked up at her, with eyebrows raised. I flatly said, "No thank you. I don't want it," and walked out.

 

I don't even want to know what the heck she was thinking and why she would not let it go. It's been 8 years since that happened and she still creeps me out. She follows me around, tries to get my attention, approaches me with bizarre conversation starters and most recently, has started sitting next to me in church. I now sit in a different spot each week in a row where there's no room for her to sit by me. She's even FB messaged my dd a couple of times, saying "hi!" or "congrats!" when she graduated high school. My dd and I both have her blocked now.

 

I don't know what her deal is, but she massively creeps me out. That's my gift-refusal story. (You know, had she given it to me in the packaging in a gift bag, I'd have thought it was a weird gift, but not have been really creeped by it. But the insistence that I "invite her and her dh over" to install it was...icky. )

Yeah, do not give people that intent on gaining access to your shower what they want. It would totally cross my mind that it would be to install a camera or something. Yeah, my mind works in weird ways.

[Stacia]

I don't know what her deal is, but she massively creeps me out. That's my gift-refusal story. (You know, had she given it to me in the packaging in a gift bag, I'd have thought it was a weird gift, but not have been really creeped by it. But the insistence that I "invite her and her dh over" to install it was...icky. )

 

Ick.

 

What keeps going through my mind... maybe it had a hidden camera in it. :mellow:  Not saying that's the case, but the stalker-ish behavior made me think of it.

 

Re: the original question. If you're talking about marketing stuff, eons ago, I would take it w/out really thinking about it. It does create a slight feeling of 'beholdenness' but I've never had a hard time saying no either, so it usually did not influence me to purchase or buy things I hadn't already planned to buy anyway.

 

These days, I'm more minimalist & much more intentional about what enters my house. I pretty much flatly refuse anything like that (whether it is free food samples or printed materials or whatever).

[gardenmom5]

I think it is rude to refuse a gift -

however, an unrequested food item (especially one I do not eat) from someone I generally do not consider a gift.  e.g. I was working a polling station (back when we had them) and one socially challenged poll worker asked people if they wanted pizza (no one did), but ordered enough for everyone anyway.  no one wanted any or ate any.  I felt no obligation to eat any.

If received a number of "thank you gifts" of items I do not use, or eat. I accept is graciously, in the spirit in which it was given.  I either throw it away, or pass it on, depending upon the item and where the giver is not aware.

 

I would also not feel any obligation to  purchase something from someone who "gave" me something. (I'm cynical enough, that if they tried to guilt me on that, I'd be flat out disgusted with them - and even less likely to ever buy anything from them.)

[Katy]

 

She said, "Are you suuuurrrreeee? You're going to loooooovvvvveeeeee iiiittttt," in such a creepy, sing-song way that the people in the office all stopped and looked up at her, with eyebrows raised. I flatly said, "No thank you. I don't want it," and walked out. \

 

I don't know what her deal is, but she massively creeps me out. That's my gift-refusal story. (You know, had she given it to me in the packaging in a gift bag, I'd have thought it was a weird gift, but not have been really creeped by it. But the insistence that I "invite her and her dh over" to install it was...icky. )

 

Yeah, do not give people that intent on gaining access to your shower what they want. It would totally cross my mind that it would be to install a camera or something. Yeah, my mind works in weird ways.

 

 

I'm thinking she was hitting on you...  had something similar happen once and that's what it turned out to be, a forthcoming invitation to a threesome.  The camera thing never would have crossed my mind.  Ick.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Very recently a real estate broker who was going door to door cornered me while I was putting my recycling in the bin outside.  She wanted to give me some papers on recent sales and home values.  I thanked her but told her that I could get that information online if and when I need it and I didn't need it at this time.  She kept trying to put the papers in my hand.  I finally looked at her and told her pointedly that if she gave it to me then I would just drop it in the recycling bin.  I didn't need any more paper around this house!  

 

I think there is a business culture that says that they need to give out freebies to appear to be giving something of value in addition to the verbal information that is being given.  Most of it is stuff with a company name and logo on it so it builds name recognition if you keep it and use it.  I doubt that there is a conscious thought of trying to manipulate people into compliance - at least there never was when I was in marketing but that was almost 30 years ago so who knows.  

[OnTheBrink]

I wondered about the camera thing, too. **shudder**

[ScoutTN]

Depends on the situation and the person.

 

My MIL gives us stuff we don't want all the time. Most of it goes to the thrift shop. She gets all huffy if we say no thanks. Just not worth the emotional hassle to refuse. SILs are the same. I generally don't feel obligated to my in-laws because they are so irritating, two-faced and critical most of the time.

 

I don't have any problem refusing gifts, but sometimes it would hurt someone's feelings to say no thank you. Easy enough to thrift or consign it.

 

I don't feel obligated to reciprocate small gifts from friends whose means are far above mine. I don't generally feel obligated to spend on anything not already in our budget. I almost never accept edible gifts that I/we won't eat.

[Guest]

I'd just assume she was really socially awkward but felt it was her duty to befriend every woman in the congregation. I tend to assume the best of people to a fault, though.

[Little Women]

I wouldn't call it an etiquette dilemma.   It's obvious to me what to do.  :)    It is rude to refuse a gift under most circumstances.  (There are a few that are acceptable, such as when you know it's only given to obligate you.)

 

I don't consider the example given in the OP to be a gift, though.  If a complete stranger tried to give me a gift, I would simply refuse.   If I were offered food/drink, I would simply say "No, thank you."    To me, that's a different situation than something like a Christmas preset that you just aren't interested in.

[KungFuPanda]

I like Marie Kondo's take on unwanted gifts. Pass them on guiltlessly because the real gift was the shared moment when you received it. You're doing the gift giver no favors by remaining burdened with an unwanted gift. Pass it on to live up to its full potential . . . . or something like that. I accept graciously and re gift quickly if it's something I can't use.

[KungFuPanda]

Wait! On what planet is a soda a gift??? I have no qualms about turning down food or drinks. My above answer pertains to real gifts from real people.

[luuknam]

I'm not really interested in this topic, so I'm only answering to indulge you - not planning on reading this thread. I voted 'other' on both counts.

 

I think it depends on circumstances. If it's a gift-giving occasion (birthday, x-mas or the like) or someone purposely got something to give to you, pretend to be happy with the gift, thank the giver, etc. If it's not a gift-giving occasion and it doesn't seem like the person went and bought the gift specifically to give to you, do the polite refusal thing, then accept it if they really insist, thanking them, unless you're close enough to know that it wouldn't hurt this person's feelings if you were blunt and said "no really, I don't want it". There are probably some more nuances in what I'd do, but I think that roughly describes it.

 

So, in other words, it depends, and it's complicated. When in doubt, it's probably best to accept and thank them profusely and appear to be happy with it.

 

[Rosie_0801]

 Can you pount to anything about yourself that makes you more or less receptive to accepting these gifts?

 

Yeah, I'd rather someone used their free samples, since my throwing them out is a waste.

 

I also have a very small house. I can't fit all my own stuff that makes me happy in my house. 

 

There are some exceptions, but not many. Mostly dear old grandmas, but they'd better be putting in the effort to be dear, coz if you're an old bag, no.

[Hkpiano]

Ugh, this is a hard question. Last year I had a very toxic friend give me a random gift- a racy mystery novel (that she knew perfectly well would be out of my comfort zone) and a couple of books on Angels which were nice but again not something I am really into. Afterwards she would always ask if I had read the novel and get really offended when I made up some reason to tell her I hadn't. She also used the gift to excuse some very poor behavior towards me and my family that I confronted her about. In hindsight, I wished I had a never accepted the gift, but it didn't really feel like I had a choice. I'm still not sure how I would have politely declined it.

[TranquilMind]

I'm reading a very interesting book called Influence; actually, it came about because of HomeschoolMom in AZ's question about suceptibility to cults. Anyway, there is a part talking about studies where having received a gift from someone, one feels indebted to the gift-giver and "automatically" tends to reciprocate: favor for a favor. I do believe this is most often true, but I am wondering what you tend to do when you are offered something you do not use/drink/eat, etc.

 

There is a study example of the researcher giving the person a soda, which they didn't ask for, which then prompts the feeling of indebtedness. In the study, every person accepts the offered soda, and every person then responds favorably to the request to buy raffle tickets. I personally do not drink soda. I don't like it and it makes my stomach hurt. I haven't had a Coke in years and years. I *think* it is most probable that I would graciously decline the offered soda, and then I would also feel less indebted to buy tickets later. I have actually had this scenario play out before without even realizing I was reducing my indebtedness, although I can also think of some scenarios where I accepted the gift, while in my head I was saying, "I don't want this." (I literally did this just yesterday on DD's college tour, where I accepted a tube of Verizon lipbalm, though I don't need lipbalm and don't respect Verizon.)

 

In sum, I know sometimes I accept a gift, though I don't want it, and in other cases, I turn down the gift because the rational part of my mind "wins," and I know to say, "no thank you; I cannot drink soda," or whatever the offering is. How often do you think you accept an undesired gift? Can you pount to anything about yourself that makes you more or less receptive to accepting these gifts?

 

ETA: P.S. For the purposes of this poll, I mostly mean "strangers" or businesses, not your mom or best friend.

A soda isn't a "gift";  it is a refreshment that you are free to decline.  I guess I'm not understanding this study. 

 

Actual gifts from someone you know (not a business trying to get you to buy) are to be received with gratitude, and then disposed of how you see fit, in a way not hurtful to the giver.  So you don't regift it to your Aunt who gave you that ugly sweater.  You do accept it though.  

[Guest]

A soda isn't a "gift"; it is a refreshment that you are free to decline. I guess I'm not understanding this study.

 

Actual gifts from someone you know (not a business trying to get you to buy) are to be received with gratitude, and then disposed of how you see fit, in a way not hurtful to the giver. So you don't regift it to your Aunt who gave you that ugly sweater. You do accept it though.

The context is not about what you do when Aunt Martha gives you an ugly sweater. That was why I added my P.S. The study was about how one person can influence compliance in another person, especially when there is no particular relationship. I was trying to simplify the actual experiment.

 

The researcher met with the study participant, but left the room for a moment, brought in two sodas, and offered the study participant the extra soda in an off-hand way, i.e., "Hey, the guy in Room B offered me a soda and I asked for one for you, too. Would you like it?" And then they did the "fake" part of the study. Then, the researcher asked if the guy would buy a couple of raffle tickets. So the study subjects who had previously been offered a soda (all who were offered accepted) always bought raffle tickets and in greater numbers. In the instances in which the researcher left the room, got himself a soda, but offered nothing to the study subject, those participants were much less likely to buy any raffle tickets and if they did, they bought fewer.

 

The point of the research is not to show what people do when Aunt Martha gives them an ugly sweater. It is meant to show that offerings to others increase compliance. This has been demonstrated many times, in many different circumstances, from Krishnas giving flowers to people in an airport to charities sending you cards in the mail to increase donations.

[kiwik]

:

 

Since you said the giver is a stranger or a business, I said I'd usually not accept it. I don't think it's rude to decline a gift being offered by a stranger or a business. To me that's not a gift but a business opportunity.

 

I still hold a grudge against a particular charity over a "gift" I received many years ago. This is not quite the same thing as you are asking. I was sent a calendar in the mail. Pretty typical end-of-year "gift" to supporters / donation solicitation. Since I had not asked for the calendar, I didn't feel I was under any obligation to respond to the donation request. Apparently the charity felt I was obligated though, as I started receiving dunning letters, requesting payment for the calendar. (OK they weren't exactly dunning letters because they did not threaten me with a collection agency, but it was clear that they'd expected a donation in exchange for their cheap calendar.)

I had a run in with readers digest about that once. The book was crappy and unsolicited so i tossed it with the rest of the junk mail. They then sent me a bill because I had kept it - they really think i should use my time to take their junk to the post office?

 

Oh and anyone who offers a shower attachment that they have to install themaelves is clueless or more likely has ulterior motive. Wine, chocolate, houseplants yes but not shower heads.

[73349]

Me too. I am much more favorable to giving my kids a balloon or stickers than I am to someone offering me something of actual value to test drive a car or open a bank account. I suppose the way to my consumer loyalty is through my sons' smiles.

 I find this much more intrusive, because it seems manipulative to give something to a child who doesn't necessarily perceive why you're doing it. I also find that the things being offered to my kid are items that I don't necessarily want him to have, or are really wasteful. Then if I say I don't want him to have it, I look like the bad guy.