poppy Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I am really torn and could use advice. The wake is for a 35 year old - the son of a man they know very well. He is their grandmother's fiance "Ted". They don't live nearby, but we see Ted socially maybe 10 times a year. They like Ted a lot. They never met the son. The wake is sure to be emotional. There is no funeral, this is it. I don't know the cause of death, the young man was healthy and it was completely unexpected. My kids are 7 and 5. They will listen to the command "be quiet and respectful" for maybe 45 minutes tops. DD7 has some ADD / anxiety behaviors she's in therapy for; she is very fidgety and is emotionally young. The 5 year old just turned 5 last week, he's basically a preschooler. I don't want them to be disruptive and I'm pretty sure they will be. But, this is a man their grandma is marrying (they are in the wedding).... DH's stepbrother, almost. There may be other kids there but the young man who died was childless. WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I don't think it would be a big deal either way. Take them or don't take them. I went to wakes at that age. It did not bother me. If you think they'll just be bored that's reason enough not to make them go IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I think they are too young, and voted not to take them. I made my kids go to a funeral (somewhat different from a wake, I know) for the grandma of some friends. I think they were around the same age as yours now; maybe a little older. Much to my surprise, even the grandkids of the deceased were not present. It was torture for my kids and for me, having to shush them all the time. There was too much emotion on display for them. Of course this woman was not family. But I'm not sure that matters. After that experience, I give kids a pass on things like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I would probably take them and take something for them to do that will help them be quiet when they start getting bored. I have took my dd to a wake and funeral when she was 3 1/2 for her first one. It was someone she didn't know. I really didn't want her first one to be someone that she was close to. She did great, we talked about going up and giving our friends hugs and saying I am sorry. No body minded her being there and our friends were really glad she was there. However at that age I didn't take her to the casket to see the body. Now that she is 5 I would. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnE-girl Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I voted to bring them, but have a plan for getting them out early if needed. My kids have been to many more family funerals than I attended at their age (I just didn't have any close family members pass away until I was 12), and DH was ready to distract them when needed since they were my family members. Depending on the circumstances, kids can be a welcome distraction for those grieving, but family dynamics vary greatly. Can you talk to DH's mother and see what she thinks? Explain that you would like them to attend to be supportive, but also express your concerns about their potential behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 If you take them, drive in two cars. Go in as a family group, stay just long enough for the kids to give grandma and step grandpa a hug and then leave your dh to stay longer. If things are fine with the kids you can stay too, but you have a quick exit if you need it. If you have to travel for the wake then maybe have a plan for you to leave and take the kids to a nearby park or play place (check yelp or contact the funeral home ahead and ask for suggestions) and schedule go pick up dh a couple hours later. Again, if things are fine stay there either kids, but know you have an exit plan set up. I'm assuming that this is the kind of wake where you are there to just informally greet family, express condolences, there may be an area to quietly say prayers and view the body, but there isn't the formality of events as with a funeral. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strange_girl Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I would take them. Though they don't know the deceased well, it is family and I know their presence would be appreciated. They're not too young. Death, even unexpected and sudden death, is just part of life. Better to treat it pragmatically for what it is now than for them to be emotionally blindsided in their teens. Just my opinion, of course. Also, where it is a wake, not a service, I would plan on just going for a little while and then scooting out before they lose patience. If they can be calm and in control for 45 minutes, plan on staying for 30 minutes, then give hugs and go home. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 It would depend. I don't really think they have to go to this one necessarily. It would depend on if they have been to many funerals. By the time my big kids were that age, they had been to several. Just how it turned out with older relatives dying. The little guys haven't been to nearly as many as the big kids have so in a case like this, if it had been my bigs, I'd take them, but my littles, probably not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I would ask their grandma about it. ETA: If she really wants them there or if she thinks grandpa-to-be would be offended, I would take them. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abba12 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I'd take them, with the intention of leaving early. If and when they start getting antsy, excuse yourself and the kids, and possibly leave DH to stay behind himself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Don't bring them because they didn't know him well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I wouldn't bring them because he isn't someone they knew well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Don't bring them because they didn't know him well. I wouldn't bring them because he isn't someone they knew well. This is a good time to have their first funeral experience, IMO. It is much easier on the kids when they don't know the person well. My son's first funeral was my uncle's, whom he had never met. He was 10 at the time. Since then, he has been to two other funerals for his own uncles - much easier to handle because he knew what to expect and my husband and I didn't have that additional stress on us during those really hard times. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I'd bring them, with the understanding that either DH or I will probably need to remove them at some point. In our family, every one within distance goes to the funeral or wake. A couple adults usually take over kid duty, sitting in the back with the children. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 :grouphug: The behavior factor at a wake is different than that at a funeral, yes? Is this at someone's home? With food and whatnot? Take the dc. Make sure you hug Ted's neck and tell him how sorry you are, and hug your mother's neck and tell her how sorry you are, and quietly leave after 45 minutes. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I voted don't bring them, but I'm thinking of typical "wakes" here which is visitation at a funeral home in the room with the body on display. I can barely force myself to attend those. At someone's home, absolutely bring, hug, feed the kids, then scoot. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Sure, I would take them. I'd just plan on making it a short stay. I'm assuming there's no service since it's a wake. If there's a service, make sure you sit where you can get out easily if needed. Heck, my 10 year old had to leave in the middle of my dad's funeral service in April. She wasn't feeling well (combo of low blood sugar and stress IMO). It was no big deal. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 You attend funerals for the living, not the deceased. So I would bring them as they could very easily be what brightens the day of their soon to be grandpa. And certainly grandma too. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Since you said you're pretty sure they'll be disruptive, I'd probably opt not to take them--or plan on leaving immediately if needed and sit where you can leave without causing a distraction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 This is a good time to have their first funeral experience, IMO. It is much easier on the kids when they don't know the person well. My son's first funeral was my uncle's, whom he had never met. He was 10 at the time. Since then, he has been to two other funerals for his own uncles - much easier to handle because he knew what to expect and my husband and I didn't have that additional stress on us during those really hard times. That's how my mom handled it with us when we were tweens or so. I think that approach is fine if the kids are old enough and as long as the parents recognize that providing a learning opportunity to kids is not the primary purpose of a funeral. If they can't attend without sitting quietly and without distracting others, I think they should stay home and get that lesson when they're old enough not to require a bag full of busywork or toys to keep them entertained. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 based upon the children's issues - I would not. it get's to be too much for you too, as you'll end up spending a lot of your time taking care of them. I've taken young kids to funerals/wakes, - and for me it *really* depends upon the child. when he was just shy of five, I left dudeling with dh's nephew & wife for my mother's funeral/wake. I could have picked him up for the wake (which was mostly family and very long-time friends of my parents - so very small group) - but he just would have really really struggled with the situation. that would have been one more big stress on me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I wouldn't take them but let them make cards to say how sorry they are. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I would bring them. If they get antsy, you or dh could take them outside to run off some energy, then bring them back inside. It would be a good first funeral experience and a nice gesture to the young man's father. I might not understand wakes, though. Here, they do what's called a visitation and people come and go- most only spending a few minutes to pay respects to the family. Is this what you're expecting, or is it more formal than that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 Update! My husband feels strongly that they should go. Since I am on the fence and he is not, and since it's his family, we will bring them. Thanks everyone. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 (We will not have then approach the casket - esp for someone they do not know) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I brought my kids to one or two funerals when they were preschoolers. I kept them in a side room most of the time, mainly because they didn't know anyone there and they would not have understood much of anything. I would ask someone in the family if they should come. Since Ted is so close to the kids, he may like that. If that were not the case, I would say no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 It's okay to make a quick exit at a wake. My mom brought me to wakes that are for her friends parents and we just stayed for 15mins or so. The area for guests wasn't big and no one was expected to stay for long. For some of my relatives wake in a relatively big location, we had tables for kids with coloring pages and card games and "junk" food. The adults were playing mahjong and blackjack at the other tables. Some adults were having dinner as simple food was catered for relatives (things like fried noodles). The traditional wake for my culture is actually 5 to 7 days long and round the clock. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I have never been to a wake. however I have taken my children to funerals. it is important for them to learn the whole cycle of life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I don't think you need to take children to the wake of a person that they have never met. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Nm you decided Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Professormom Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I haven't read the other responses. One thing I would say is that if you choose not to bring them, you may want to keep your plans to yourself ahead of time. If people ask ahead of time, be non-committal. You and Dh can just come on your own and field questions. "Where are the kids?" "Oh, they are with (dh's sister, a friend). Since they didn't know so and so, we didn't see the need for them to be here. It also gives me the chance to be here for grandma and Ted, rather than managing children." Any other comments and it is, "Pass the bean dip:-)" I have done this when the kids were small like that and it has worked out fine. Even now, we have them go when they actually knew the person who died relatively well... The whole point is to pay respects and appreciate a loss. At 5 and 7, they aren't there to be a rock to any grown up. And it sounds like you are concerned with them making it through anyway. Perfectly reasonable to say pass to this. On the flip, if you think it important to the kids to go for whatever reason, then don't feel like you can't. I guess I would say make the decision from what works for your kids, not what works for the rest of the family. Stuff like this can be a lot for small people. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Professormom Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Oops. Just saw that you decided. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Update 2.... taking them was not awesome. We prepped them to be not freaked out. They weren't freaked out, so much so they were upset when they didn't get to go up to the front to see the casket. Which was a "no way" to me, since they mostly wanted to gawk. Which is natural. But it was not appropriate at all here, particularly since the guy's sister was up there, quietly crying. They were not super loud about it, thankfully. We had a good talk afterwards, though. DD, who just saw a glimpse of the casket, asked why they had cut his legs off. It hadn't occurred to me to explain the half-open lid in advance. And we talked about how we follow traditions and how "bodies" are sacred whether they are alive or dead. So, that's that. Thanks everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 It sounds like you handled it very well. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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