Big Anniversaries (25, 40, 50, etc) who celebrates?

[Plateau Mama]

My family always said our anniversary is ours. You don't need to feel obligated to celebrate it. That being said they weren't married long enough to get to a big one.

 

 

My MIL has a different POV.

 

Just wondering what others feelings are on this subject.

[Chris in VA]

I'm one that thinks the couple plans the celebration.

However, my mom really wanted us kids to plan their 50th--we are all scattered, and one doesn't talk to others, and one is gone now. So she ended up throwing a big party. I know she was a bit disappointed, but that's sort of what you get when your family doesn't live anywhere close to you. ''

 

We just celebrated 30 years--I think it would have been nice to get a card from my kids, but it is what it is.

[creekland]

We plan all our own.  I have no plans to stop just due to a certain number.

 

My parents are divorced - no plans needed.

 

Hubby's parents firmly told us they did NOT want anything major planned for them.  We sent a card.

[MEmama]

 

I've never really considered that someone else should plan an event for another couple. That's really weird to me. How would anyone else know what someone else would like, or IF they would like? I remember my mom happened to be visiting when I turned 40, and she expected my DH to plan some huge bash. ?!? I would have HATED that, just the thought of it still makes me squirm. No, the people celebrating big events should do them up however it suits them.

[Seasider]

Well I didn't vote but I will chime in with what no one should do. Never feel obligated to sacrifice your family vacation fund to pay for someone else's milestone party.

 

The way we (dh and I) celebrate depends on the budget. There's usually something more urgent to be paid for than a festive dinner or trip to Hawaii. We are still married. 😄

 

Anniversaries, to me, are like many other obligatory gift giving dates. The pressure to do something takes away much of the joy of doing anything. Life together happens on all those other days, too.

[Plateau Mama]

So here is the deal.

 

 

My MIL feels that the kids should throw them (and pay for) a party. She was really upset that we refused to do a party for their 40th. We live 3000 miles away. BIL is local and could plan a party but can't affor to pay. We did not want to foot the entire bill ourselves. She wasn't talking a small intimate gathering. Even having the 4 of us fly down would have been a big expense.

 

Next year is their 50th. My MIL is insisting we are going on a family trip. She has picked the location and pretty much the date. DH says we are going, non-negotiable. The location they picked is of no interest to me. The date is bad for my daughter. We have refused to travel with them for ten years because it's always a very bad experience. Traveling with my BIL and his family is something I swore I would never do again.

 

I strongly feel that an anniversary is for the couple. Sure, the kids should maybe send a card, maybe take them to dinner if they are local but it's their anniversary. If they want a party they should plan and pay for it. If they want to go in a trip, great! Have fun!

 

I told my eldest, I will never ask you to plan/do something for my anniversary, except maybe watch you littlest brother for a week so we can go away. (There is a large age gap.)

[MEmama]

My mom tried something similar for their 50th. It was quickly nixed--there was no possible way any of the kids could take that much time off work nor would we have been comfortable at all. I felt bad, but it didn't make sense for anyone but them.

 

Honestly? You're all adults. If you don't want to go on their trip, tell them so. Be kind, but honest. It's okay to let them know that you feel it's their special celebration and special trip and you wish them both the best, but it's not the time to force a family vacation.

[Plateau Mama]

My mom tried something similar for their 50th. It was quickly nixed--there was no possible way any of the kids could take that much time off work nor would we have been comfortable at all. I felt bad, but it didn't make sense for anyone but them.

 

Honestly? You're all adults. If you don't want to go on their trip, tell them so. Be kind, but honest. It's okay to let them know that you feel it's their special celebration and special trip and you wish them both the best, but it's not the time to force a family vacation.

Unfortunately, I don't get a say. My husband has rose colored glasses on and thinks a grand time will be had by all.

 

Also, if you've read any of my other posts on my MIL she doesn't take no for an answer and she will hold it over your head for years to come. I'm still getting grief that I didn't let her take over a trip I had planned (to see my family) 5 years ago.

 

Honestly, I just wanted to know if I was out of line for thinking this was weird. I didn't have a normal family so sometimes my expectations are not normal.

[AnnE-girl]

My siblings and I threw surprise a 40th anniversary party for our parents at the restaurant they went to for their second date. It was really nice, but not crazy expensive. They would never ask us to do it, and they were completely surprised. We were happy to celebrate them. They've set a really good example for us for what marriage should be, and we wanted to celebrate them.

 

That said, no children should be forced into something like that. Parents saying that they would really like to celebrate as a family and asking if that would work for everyone is one thing. Demanding time and great expense is another.

[Melinda in VT]

I didn't vote in the poll because I don't think there is one right answer. For my parents' 50th, my siblings and I planned a group trip to Yellowstone. My dad was in on it, but my Mom was completely surprised. She knew my dad was taking her to Yellowstone, but she didn't know the rest of us were meeting them there.

 

My in-laws are celebrating their 50th next year. They just announced that they are taking everyone on a trip to Mexico to celebrate, but they picked finals week for my two kids who are in public high school, so our family won't be going. They are going with a package from a travel agent because it is less stressful for them, and that week is apparently the only week they can go. I was hurt at first, but I keep reminding myself that it is their anniversary, they are paying for the trip, and they should get to celebrate how they want to.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Do would HATE a party. We plan our non-event. Usually dinner or a movie.

[myfunnybunch]

I picked the couple can celebrate how they want, because that's the closest to how I feel. But that would include the other choices: Kids can (not SHOULD) plan and pay for a party, or everyone can take a family trip (with everyone in agreement about who pays for what). Of course there should be cupcakes, no matter what.

 

After reading your later post, I will add that an anniversary celebration is meant to celebrate the couple's marriage, and it's lovely to celebrate as a couple or with family and friends. Throwing a party or taking a trip to celebrate their milestone is a lovely idea. But the idea that others are obligated to celebrate with you or to pay for your celebration is a little odd. I'd think I'd want it done willingly or not at all.

 

Do YOU have to go? Can your dh go by himself? If he feels obligated or wants to go, great. He's also an adult and shouldn't expect you to unwillingly do something that would make you (and your dd) utterly miserable.

 

As for MIL holding it over your head, meh. Who cares? She wants to be a turkey? Her problem. Poor thing, to carry all of that resentment and upset around with her for so long. Bless her heart. (And etc.)

[Plateau Mama]

Do YOU have to go? Can your dh go by himself? If he feels obligated or wants to go, great. He's also an adult and shouldn't expect you to unwillingly do something that would make you (and your dd) utterly miserable.

 

As for MIL holding it over your head, meh. Who cares? She wants to be a turkey? Her problem. Poor thing, to carry all of that resentment and upset around with her for so long. Bless her heart. (And etc.)

Everyone has to go. If I didn't go she would make our lives miserable till her deathbed.

 

As for the other trip, I agree with you 100%. I'm the one who had to cancel my family trip because she wouldn't take no for an answer. Problem is every time we are together she brings it up, over and over and makes everyone miserable. I just tell her I'm not talking about it anymore and get up and leave but it always ends with Dh and FIL yelling at her to let it go. She never lets anything go. Never. Nothing. There are tears involved. She goes on and on about how I am ungrateful because I refused to let her take us on a fabulous vacation. (Remember, I had already planned the trip and she came in and changed the entire thing. What was going to be a trip for the kids to see their great-grandparents turned into a trip all about what she wanted and nothing what I originally planned. We ended up saying DH couldn't get off work and didn't take a vacation that year.)

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug:

 

I get it. And may I very gently and kindly say that "Everyone has to go" is not the only option. You do not have to be around someone who is willing to make you miserable if you do not cater to her wishes. You do not have to be miserable yourself to spare someone else (their own self-perceived and self-created) misery.

 

I'm not you, so of course I feel no obligation or tie to your MIL whatsoever, so I understand that it's really easy for me to say this, but I am going to say it anyway:

If someone, ANYONE, is willing to treat you that way, you DO NOT have to be around them. And I don't mean getting up and leaving the room when she starts in. I mean choosing not to be in the same room (the same house, the same city...)  in the first place.

 

But that's straying a bit from the original question..... More  :grouphug:  I am sorry you have to deal with this kind of person in your life. It really stinks. Whatever you eventually decide about the anniversary trip, I hope that you can find some kind of peace. :)

[sbgrace]

I don't expect anything for our 25th. Our kids won't be adults, and I didn't plan anything at all for my parents. They went on a trip I think.

 

Around here, though, 50 seems different. My grandparents had something planned by their kids (my mom and siblings) with family from all over for their 50th. My husband's mother has gone out of her way to repeatedly tell me she doesn't want a party planned for their 50th, but rather a dinner with hubby, myself, my BIL, and my parents. This is next year for them. I am gathering my parents want/expect a party. It's assumed that's coming from their kids...so..ok. Fifty years is big. People don't live forever.

 

I don't like manipulation, though, and neither of our parents would plan a trip and demand everyone go, OP. That's ick.

[TechWife]

My oldest brother and sister planned my parent's surprise 25th anniversary party, I planned a dinner party with relatives only for their 50th. 

 

I think the planning is a gift and a way to honor parents, but it is not a responsibility or a requirement. We are starting to think of a getaway trip for our 25th in a few years and aren't planning a party. 

[Plateau Mama]

:grouphug:

 

I get it. And may I very gently and kindly say that "Everyone has to go" is not the only option. You do not have to be around someone who is willing to make you miserable if you do not cater to her wishes. You do not have to be miserable yourself to spare someone else (their own self-perceived and self-created) misery.

 

I'm not you, so of course I feel no obligation or tie to your MIL whatsoever, so I understand that it's really easy for me to say this, but I am going to say it anyway:

If someone, ANYONE, is willing to treat you that way, you DO NOT have to be around them. And I don't mean getting up and leaving the room when she starts in. I mean choosing not to be in the same room (the same house, the same city...) in the first place.

 

 

Trust me, I say no whenever possible but some things just have to be tolerated if I want to stay married. ;-) There is a reason we live so far away.

 

.

[Loowit]

My parents and IL both had their 25th anniversary right at a time when a lot of weddings were going on.  My parents didn't want a party, they went away for a weekend away, something they rarely ever did.  My IL did some sort of party with their siblings, but DH and I weren't invited.  50th anniversaries though tend to be bigger deals on both sides.  My parents threw parties with their respective siblings.  My dad and his siblings rented a grange hall and did a potluck type party.  My mom and her siblings did a nice party at my grandparent's church.  It was pretty simple with just dessert and punch.  I helped with putting together some pictures for a display.  It was a great memory for me now that my grandmother is gone.  My DH only had one set of grandparents that survived to their 50th and they had a huge party put on by MIL and her sisters.  It was two weeks before DH's and my wedding.

 

I don't think any children should be forced to provide a party or do anything, but I do think in many cases it can be fun.  I haven't talked to my brother and sister about our parent's anniversary yet, but it is coming up in a few years.  I am sure we will do something for them, because we want to not out of obligation.  No idea what my ILs will expect, and to be honest, I don't really want to try to work with DH's siblings to plan something.

[KarenNC]

Well I didn't vote but I will chime in with what no one should do. Never feel obligated to sacrifice your family vacation fund to pay for someone else's milestone party.

 

The way we (dh and I) celebrate depends on the budget. There's usually something more urgent to be paid for than a festive dinner or trip to Hawaii. We are still married. 😄

 

Anniversaries, to me, are like many other obligatory gift giving dates. The pressure to do something takes much of the joy of doing anything. Life together happens on all those other days, too.

I very much agree with this. For our 20th this year, we managed to go out of town overnight to take my daughter to visit colleges. :) For our 25th, our daughter will be in the middle of college, so I have zero expectations she will be able to plan, host, and pay for anything. With luck and planning, maybe we can go out of town for a few days. We'll talk about 50th if we live that long (we married rather late). :)

 

We planned and hosted a medium-sized low-key party for some local family and friends for my in-laws' 25th (second marriage, my husband is an only child) several years ago and had a lot of fun, but it was something we wanted and offered to do, and were in a position at the time to afford what we did (a home-made luau-themed evening as they were planning a trip to Hawaii for themselves). We also live in the same town as both sets of parents, which makes a difference.

 

For my parents (again, second marriage), my stepmother called and told me specifically she did not want a celebration of any kind for their 25th a few years later, so it was a non-issue.

[gardenmom5]

I can see kids throwing their parents a 50th bash - but not before that. (dh will be in his 80's when that rolls around. so, we'll see what's happening in our lives then.)   and I don't consider 40 a "big" deal . . . . (in the sense that 25 is silver, and 50 is gold, and 75 is diamond. . . . )

 

before that - couples should do what they want to do.

 

just as an aside - my sils threw mil a big bash for her 90th BD.  they made all the arrangements, paid for food, etc. 

[Plateau Mama]

I can see kids throwing their parents a 50th bash - but not before that. (dh will be in his 80's when that rolls around. so, we'll see what's happening in our lives then.) and I don't consider 40 a "big" deal . . . . (in the sense that 25 is silver, and 50 is gold, and 75 is diamond. . . . )

 

before that - couples should do what they want to do.

 

just as an aside - my sils threw mil a big bash for her 90th BD. they made all the arrangements, paid for food, etc.

They gave their parents a party for their 30th. It was a few years before my time, but DH had a very good job and no financial obligations. I think he may have even still been on the same coast as them, thus making planning more feasible.

[gardenmom5]

I've never really considered that someone else should plan an event for another couple. That's really weird to me. How would anyone else know what someone else would like, or IF they would like? I remember my mom happened to be visiting when I turned 40, and she expected my DH to plan some huge bash. ?!? I would have HATED that, just the thought of it still makes me squirm. No, the people celebrating big events should do them up however it suits them.

 

dd wanted me to plan her entire wedding reception - and all she'd have to do is show up . . . . I'm not that naïve.  (though her mil planned a luau for them in dsil's hometown.)  granted she was finishing up grad school and had reports to write  . . . 

 

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I do know families where the grandparents, kids and grandkids traveled together successfully, and had a great time.  I've a friend whose inlaws took all the adult kids and spouses (they had 10 kids . . . ) to Israel for a major anniversary of theirs.  but they are a close family and enjoy spending time together.

 

OP - your mil probably lives in her illusions of what she wants her family to look like, instead of the reality of what it is.  in her dream world - everyone choose to, and enjoys spending time together and being around her.  sadly for her, that sounds like it's not the reality.

[Annie G]

Everyone has to go. If I didn't go she would make our lives miserable till her deathbed.

 

 

It sounds like she's been making your life miserable already. 

 

I feel for you because your dh thinks it's going to be great. At least with me and dh we both recognize that our parents and siblings drive us crazy. It helps a LOT to both be annoyed by our families rather than one of us to think everything is just hunky-dory. 

[gardenmom5]

They gave their parents a party for their 30th. It was a few years before my time, but DH had a very good job and no financial obligations. I think he may have even still been on the same coast as them, thus making planning more feasible.

 

 

are appearances and "what will other (re:non-immediate family) people think?" important to her? 

 

you will have to decide if dealing with the fall-out of her tantrum if you don't do what she says is worth it.  if you have to go on this trip - can you make other plans for what you can do?  a book to read - a report for work that just can't wait and must be done yesterday? (oh, my mistake, I thought it was urgent. ;) oh, gee, sorry I wasn't able to participate in all your "superfun" activities while doing this report.)

 

dh would be super cheerful *and positive* when my grandmother was like this.  it drove her batty. she eventually started avoiding him.

[ashfern]

The year we were married was my IL's 25th anniversary. They expected a party that they wanted their children to plan & pay for. We had just gotten married, I was still in college, and SIL was in college. We took them to a very nice (expensive) restaurant. SIL didn't give us any money to pay for it and they complained about the whole thing.  :glare: That's all that we could afford to do for them. Our 25th will be coming up in a few years which means their 50th. I mentioned it to DH and that's the last it will come out of my mouth.  :leaving: Their plan is to move out of their home state so I don't have a clue how to plan a party for them. I figure that SIL can plan it and we can chip in. If she doesn't plan it then there won't be one from the kids because I don't have the time or inclination to do it for them. 

[Plateau Mama]

It sounds like she's been making your life miserable already.

 

I feel for you because your dh thinks it's going to be great. At least with me and dh we both recognize that our parents and siblings drive us crazy. It helps a LOT to both be annoyed by our families rather than one of us to think everything is just hunky-dory.

DH went to the destination a few times as a kid with his brother. He does not understand that traveling with one family who gets along is one thing. Traveling with three families with two women (MIL & SIL) who always have to have their way and throw tantrums when they don't get it is a totally different ball game.

 

This is one of those places where the kids go to camp during the day and the adults do, whatever. When I go in a family vacation I want to be with my family, not get up early every day to send them to camp. The older three will have a good time because they can be in the same group. We may have to fudge one child's age a bit but I will not make him be alone all day when the other 4 kids each have a cousin in their camp. Although the younger two cousins are very different. One is a huge daredevil and wants to do everything. The other is a little princess and won't do anything new.

[Plateau Mama]

are appearances and "what will other (re:non-immediate family) people think?" important to her?

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Oh, it's all about the appearances and keeping up with her friends.

 

She tried for several years to take the older granddaughters on a huge fancy trip. Long story short my daughter wanted nothing to do with it. My MIL gave us her big tears "all my friends are taking their grandkids on trips and you won't allow us to".

 

This trip is all about what her friends are doing and beng able to say she did XYZ for her anniversary. It really has nothing to do with taking a family trip to celebrate their anniversary. DH even says that's what this is about.

[Junie]

I voted for the kids to plan and pay for a party.  However, I voted this way because this is what is done in my family.  Every family is different, of course.  I figured that if my parents threw anniversary parties for their parents, this would probably indicate how they would wish to celebrate.

 

I remember a big party for my grandparents' 50th.  I don't know who paid (I was a kid and it wasn't my business.)  I do know that it was at a restaurant and the owner was a friend of my grandparents, so I believe a significant discount would have been offered.

 

I also went to my aunt and uncle's 25th.  Again, I don't know who paid.

 

I helped plan my mom and dad's 25th.  It was at a restaurant with just immediate family (their parents, siblings, etc).  Each family member (with the exception of my parents, of course) was expected to pay for their own meal.  Gifts were not expected.

 

My in-laws celebrated their 40th only a few months after dh and I got married.  Dh is an only child.  We did not have a party, as I wouldn't have even known who to invite or where to have it, etc.  I wish that I had been more on top of it to celebrate, as my dmil passed away before the 50th anniversary milestone.

[Kari C in SC]

We just celebrated our 25th. We flew to Puerto Rico and went on a 7 day cruise with our 2 younger kids. They are too young to plan anything. My mom did want to plan a party for us and our friends, but I told her not to. We do an annual camping weekend with our friends that was 2 days before our anniversary. I told her I think we had all had enough together time while we were camping. To make my mom a bit happier, we went out to dinner with her and my best friend's family. It was just perfect and I love that my mom wanted so much to celebrate us.

 

My parents took a trip to Florida for their 25th anniversary. There was not a big celebration because my sister's son passed away, after 4 months in the NICU, very close to their anniversary. My dad passed away before their 50th.

 

My husband is not close with his parents. I believe I made them a crosstitch picture for their 25th. Their 50th is either next year or the year after. The family is not one big, happy family... So I doubt there will be any hoopla.

[Seasider]

Everyone has to go. If I didn't go she would make our lives miserable till her deathbed.

 

As for the other trip, I agree with you 100%. I'm the one who had to cancel my family trip because she wouldn't take no for an answer. Problem is every time we are together she brings it up, over and over and makes everyone miserable. I just tell her I'm not talking about it anymore and get up and leave but it always ends with Dh and FIL yelling at her to let it go. She never lets anything go. Never. Nothing. There are tears involved. She goes on and on about how I am ungrateful because I refused to let her take us on a fabulous vacation. (Remember, I had already planned the trip and she came in and changed the entire thing. What was going to be a trip for the kids to see their great-grandparents turned into a trip all about what she wanted and nothing what I originally planned. We ended up saying DH couldn't get off work and didn't take a vacation that year.)

I don't see how it could get worse than this. You're already paying a perpetual price for your past mistakes. I certainly wouldn't let her tantrum me into giving in.

[luuknam]

Reading this thread I'm so glad that my in-laws got remarried to each other a year before we got married... there is no way they're going to make it to a 25th (never mind 40th or 50th) wedding anniversary.

 

My grandparents threw a big party for their 50th anniversary that I'm practically sure of they paid for themselves. Even some Canadian relatives flew to NL to visit, but I'm also practically sure they did that completely voluntarily (they just weren't close enough (emotionally) to be able to compel to fly across an ocean for that - I think they were my grandmother's cousins or something that had emigrated decades before).

 

I'm not sure what my parents did for their 25th anniversary... I think they went to a nice restaurant together?

 

I think a 50th wedding anniversary is a big deal, and if I have the money I might surprise my parents with something (trip, party, w/e) when they reach that (still quite a ways off), but I'd be annoyed if they felt entitled to me throwing them a party. On the bright side, I'm not anticipating them having a sense of entitlement over that.

[Jerico]

I'm a very private person so we celebrate our milestones together-- alone. 

 

If my parents or inlaws expect something from us they're going to be very disappointed. I wasn't there at your wedding. I don't plan on paying for anything.

[momofkhm]

My anniversary is just that.  DH and I should plan it.  

 

The big ones just have a bigger thing attached.  

I hope in 2 years at 25 that we can take a trip just the 2 of us.  

My folks are coming up on 50 next year.  I thought they were going to do a trip just the 2 of them, now they are planning something for *all* of us - mom and dad, brother and girlfriend, me and dh and kids.  And a party that will involved friends.  

IL planned a big party for 25.  FIL passed a couple years ago so they won't reach 50.

 

 

[Zinnia]

My inlaws celebrated their 50th a few years ago.  The whole family went on a weekend trip together.   My FIL turned 80 this year.  Most of the extended family (the grandchildren are getting older, and jobs and school interfere) got together to celebrate in a central city this summer. 

 

My parents are divorced and remarried.  My mom will celebrate 20 in 2 years.  I was just thinking about this....I think we will throw a party for them.  It's not mandatory, and if it didn't happen, she wouldn't complain (much), but she would be disappointed. 

[ashfern]

I just got an anniversary card from MIL (she always sends us a card). She wrote this big thing in there about how in 2 years we'll be celebrating our 25th and oh gee it's going to be their 50th. She's usually more passive-aggressive than that. I guess that's my clue that she wants us to do something for them.  :gnorsi: She isn't talking to half of her siblings and they're planning a move 800+ miles away from family. I don't have a clue about any of their friends. Guess SIL better get onto the planning.  :lol:

[FaithManor]

My parents took a trip on their 25th, we had a nice family steak dinner on their 30th, had a large party on their 40th and had family photos done while my grandmother wad still alive - she passed away two years later - and sen t them to Mission Point Resort on Mackinaw Island for their 50th.

 

Dh's parents never mentioned or observed their anniversary even once. I don't think he even knew their marriage date until well into adulthood. They had one heck of a lousy marriage and should have divorced when the kids were little because there was a lot of emotional damage done.It was not the kind of milestone one would ever want to commemorate.

 

We celebrate however it is convenient. For our 25th, dd got married the week before. We were pretty beat after putting on the wedding so dinner and a movie seemed about right. We are planning a trip to New Zealand for our 30th.

[Ellie]

See, I don't think there should be a should, other than people doing whatever they want.

 

Anniversaries pass pretty much unnoticed in my family. Mr. Ellie and I usually go out to dinner, except for our 40th, which was in November, but we were planning a 5th birthday trip to Disneyland the following May, so we just gave each other cards and called it good. :-)

 

 

[J-rap]

We plan our own, but it's not always on a big year -- it's just whenever it happens to work out.  My parents planned their own, until it got to their 50th.  Then we wanted to plan it as a way of honoring them.  Were they requiring it?  Absolutely not.  But they were very appreciative of it.  Since then, they had their 60th!  But my dad wanted to plan that one himself.  The entire family was invited, and it was so much fun.  They hired a river boat to take us down the Mississippi for an afternoon, dinner included.

[Lady Florida.]

We don't make a big deal out of it, and dh and I both feel that anniversary celebrations, regardless of the number of years, are a private thing for the couple. 

[ErinE]

Our family has always planned a big party for the 50th anniversary. Other than that milestone, the couple celebrates however they wish.

[ErinE]

Would you pay for the vacation and is it beyond your budget? After reading your additional posts, I think you should go and try to be happy for your in-laws. It's a big milestone, your dh wants to go, and the kids will likely have fun. Although I tend to be very protective of the immediate family's space and time, this is one time were I'd go.

[Plateau Mama]

Would you pay for the vacation and is it beyond your budget? After reading your additional posts, I think you should go and try to be happy for your in-laws. It's a big milestone, your dh wants to go, and the kids will likely have fun. Although I tend to be very protective of the immediate family's space and time, this is one time were I'd go.

They will pay for the resort and probably the airfare but there are still a lot of extra expenses that we shouldn't do. Last one we had a "Free" trip it cost us over $2000.

 

It will also mean that we will not get to take a family vacation next summer and my son will have to miss his Boyscout high adventure outing.

[Farrar]

I think the 50th (and, I guess, if you make it, the 75th...?) is special. Maybe this is just because it was celebrated with a big family gathering in my family. My grandparents flew me from college to the opposite coast for theirs. They wanted all their progeny together for once. It seemed like something worth honoring. All the others, sure, family and couple do as they like, but that seems special.

 

Basically, for the OP, I don't think this is that weird for the 50th. If a family has the means, I think it's something you do. And even if a family has more limited means, like the other side of my family, they threw a big dinner for them and gathered a lot of family. That doesn't mean you have to go necessarily... but it really doesn't sound like an unreasonable ask.

[AimeeM]

Generally we feel that it "stays within the couple", but we make room for extended family who feels differently.

This year one of my aunts is throwing a surprise party for my grandparents' 60th anniversary :) It will the first time in some 30-odd years that all 7 children will be together at the same time. My grandparents are going to be ECSTATIC. Not to mention about half of their many grandchildren and several of their great grandchildren will be there! 

We're traveling to attend (we leave on Thursday, actually). 

 

She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (my stepmother) used to get upset if all family and extended family didn't acknowledge (call, send cards, hopefully gifts) for her and my father's anniversary.

 

Tomorrow is mine and DH's anniversary :) We usually just go out to dinner and exchange gifts/cards. Our sitter has recently decided that she can no longer sit for her us (she nannies during the week for another family and weekends are her only time off - I definitely understand), and I can't seem to find a reliable sitter (who can handle The Marvelous Flying Marco) that I *trust*... even though we pay a very competitive rate, lol. I'm just not willing to run a 70+ year old former church nursery worker into an early grave (Marco... ahem). So this year we'll just exchange gifts/cards and make dinner with the kids :)

[AK_Mom4]

I voted :"Take Your own trip or throw your own party"

 

DH wants to go on a cruise this year for our 25th.  Because of the timing, we will be taking DD14 along (others will all be away).  I expect it will be lots of fun!  I also expect to pay for the whole thing myself, which is better because I want to choose where we go and make all the plans.

 

Big family drama story - my parents NEVER celebrated their anniversary.  My mother was embarrassed that she had been married and divorced before she met my dad.  It came out literally on her death bed that my oldest brother is actually my half brother from her first marriage whom my dad adopted.  Doing the math, she was actually about 6 months pregnant with my next oldest brother when they were married.  My mother refused all her married life to reveal what her anniversary date was or let dad discuss it.  She was all about secrets, though, so this was normal for her.

[Guest]

My parents hosted a celebration at their 25th. So did each of their siblings.

 

They put on a party for their parents' 50th. So did we for my dh's family (which involved a complete family reunion from all over the country) and we for my parents' 50th.

 

For our parents', it was something they talked about for years as a tremendously happy event, and so did the friends of my parents. It wasn't fancy but it was fun.

 

It's just the way we roll around here.

[sheryl]

As a pp said (was it Ellie), I don't think there should be a "should" or must do such and thus.  I believe most couples will celebrate however they choose. 

 

Let me mention why a child or children may "not" be able to pay for such an event.   They may be too young and without money (savings, job).  We are first-time older parents and our dd is just now 16.  Where would she have gotten the money years ago?  Also, there are special needs kids.  Our dd is also s.n. but minimally compared to others who may not be in a mental and/or physical condition to think of, let alone coordinate such details.

 

For our 25th anniversary our dd gave us an oak-colored branch from our yard.  It's the circumstance of a finger and the length is about 18" or so. I've kept it and have it placed as an accent piece tilted/slanted over and tucked behind a framed art in our bedroom!   I actually LOVE this branch.  It was given in innocence, out of enthusiasm and with tons of love! 

 

We've always just enjoyed a dinner out or gone on a short vacation somewhere.  That is before AND after dd was born.

 

DD did want to go to Europe for our 25th but I'm a bit shy of flying and mostly didn't want to leave our then 6 year old dd with anyone. 

 

Our 35th is coming up in October and I'd love to go to Europe or Alaska as a family!  There are other places I'd like to go - LOL!   I don't think we will.

 

As anniversaries increase in number, I think it's more "common" to "somewhat expect" family to host an anniversary celebration.  There aren't many who would want to host their own 50th!  :)

 

On the other hand,  remember I was in high school when we celebrated my parent's 25th.   I do not know who planned the event but we all enjoyed dinner out at a restaurant.

 

My friend and her husband is celebrating 20 years and they have 4 kids (17, 15, 13, 7).  There 2 oldest, girls, planned and helped finance a get-a-way for them.  They are older and can watch the 2 younger ones who are boys.  That is sweet.

There are different scenarios.

 

One more.  My cousin planned, coordinated and financed her parents 50th years ago.

[Danestress]

My family always said our anniversary is ours. You don't need to feel obligated to celebrate it. That being said they weren't married long enough to get to a big one.

 

 

My MIL has a different POV.

 

Just wondering what others feelings are on this subject.

No right answer. No one in my family wants a big party. A trip with kids and grandkids would be great, but neither set of parents would expect the kids to pay. But other families are different.

 

In your case I would get over making it a thing you feel pressured by her to do. Do it for your husband because it's important to him, and do it without griping to him about it. Gripe here!

 

Or else don't do it.

 

If he's generally not a "non-negotiable" kind of guy and generally respects you and is responsible with money, I would say to do it .... For him. I would expect him to do some things for you too.

[frogger]

Well, honestly if my parents make it to 50 I would love to throw them a party. Both my maternal and later a grandparents had 50th anniversaries. Only 50th though my aunt and uncle had a 60th anniversary just this year that her children CHOSE to throw them.

I guess I'm like Frankie Heck, "You do for family". That being said I don't think a parent should force a party. That is dysfunction from the beginning and it sounds like you don't have a great relationship with them already. That will probably make it not fun for you but what a gift if you could focus on your husband and the connection he has with his parents. No, she shouldn't expect or make you but if your husband wants to go really it would be nice of you to do so for him and to foster the connection he has with his parents even if it isn't as strong as it could be. It really is a gift. I'm not saying skip chemo over it or anything but really a marriage is more than two people in love. It is important for all those around you too, children, grandchildren, siblings. If my husband died tomorrow I would still try to take care of my in laws and mentally disabled broth-in-law to the best of my ability. I'm blessed though to know they would do the same for me. I'm old fashioned in thinking it's beyond just two people in love or whatnot. It doesn't sound like that is your family dynamic though.

 

I can see the reservations though with cost. It is hard to pay to be miserable.  If it is really important for your dh maybe you could do it for him and perhaps you can discuss out's for you where you can get away. There is the possibility he goes without you too. 

[bettyandbob]

When I was a child, we gat the idea that kids should pay from family friends who did. In that family the oldest was 24 at the time of the 25th anniversary. He had landed a great job out of college and paid for a fabulous party and fabulous trip, his sibliblings may have helped, but not much. He had four younger siblings, all still in school.

 

In my family, my older sister had taken an extra year to graduate due to a car accident and had not landed a fabulous job by the time of my parents 25th when my sister was 23. So, we did put on a party at our house and invite my parents friends.

 

At the time of their 30th, we did send them on a nice trip. I planned the trip and one sibling needed to contribute less than the others. That was understood and no one suggested different.

 

At the time of their 40th, my parents paid for nice restaurant meal for family (children and grandchildren). They did this again at an even nicer restaurant for their 50th. By the time of the last two there was no way for me to contribute anything of significance and the was true of my sister. My parents didn't expect anything from us.

 

With each of these, whether kids paid or parents paid there was no extended gathering. The time we paid for a trip, they went without us. Otherwise the celebration was one evening.

 

I think demanding people spend extended vacation time together at significant expense is rude. When one starts demanding things like that from family they are trying to create a fantasy of what their family is. There are lots of things I wish about my family. I won't force those wishes on others.