Non-Functioning

[Greta]

Oh MrsW, I am so, so sorry. You do not deserve this.

 

I agree with everything that Garga and Scarlett and the many other wise ladies here have said, but I've also been unable to stop thinking about the fact that he said you should have an affair. I think that he revealed a lot with that statement. First of all, as painful as this is and as much as I hate to say it, he revealed that emotionally, he is already long gone. When men are in love, that idea (the woman that he loves sleeping with another man) tends to be about the last thing in the world that they want. But the idea doesn't bother him, because he's not emotionally invested anymore. I ache for you when you say you want to win him back. You can't, and you need to understand that this is through NO fault of your own. This is on him.

 

Secondly, whatever justification or rationalization he may have given for that statement, his motives can only be bad. Either he thinks it would lessen his own guilt, or he wants to be able to prove in court that you committed adultery. Either way, what he is saying here, loud and clear, is that he is willing to manipulate and hurt you to get what he wants. So you need to listen and understand that he means it. From now on, everything that he says to you has to be viewed in that light. He is acting in his own best interests, and he's willing to throw you under the bus to get there. You've got to protect yourself. HE is the one who made this adversarial. Now you must act in self-defense. You are absolutely NOT betraying him or your marriage by defending yourself. You must let go of that guilt or it will cripple you. He's about to start throwing punches. You should not feel guilty or hesitant about blocking them, or you will get pummeled.

 

:grouphug:

[Joanne]

{{many tender hugs}}

I am not a fan of "marriage builders", but I do think that the email and in person support from http://www.divorcecare.org/.

 

Remember: It takes 2 people to make a marriage. It only takes one to ruin one.

 

It's ok and understandable to "freeze". During your non-frozen moments, be as productive as you can in terms of the advice in this thread.

 

One of the best pieces of advice I got was to plan my life as if I would never see any child support (spousal support, or alimony.) It took some time to get "there" (it's been 10 years) but that advice was honestly the best.

 

Also, remind yourself that you are going through a legal battle - the official end of a marriage - a divorce - is a court case. You need the best specialist you can get to protect yourself and your kids.

 

Keep a factual journal about his statements, behaviors, events.

 

[Slache]

You're doing great. You really are. And if your relationship is strong enough to make it then seeing a lawyer won't make a difference.

[Cammie]

if he suggested you have an affair, I would likely say he has consulted an attorney.  In my state, if the wife has an affair which gives a basis for a divorce, then she doesn't get alimony.  Also when my sister went through her divorce any reconciliation started everything over again.  Including finances and such.  Her ex waffled between you should have an affair and we should get back together until the very end.  Stay strong.  Be very sure of the divorce law in your state.

 

Ok, really interested to know what state this is?  It sounds draconian.  An affair means no spousal support?  At all?  What is the punishment if the working spouse had the affair?

[elegantlion]

I've been separated for over 2 years (divorced final last fall) and recently filed some formal paperwork where I had to disclose some very personal information about our relationship. I STILL felt like I was betraying him. I wasn't. Everything I said was the factual truth, but it was hard. 

 

Do NOT expect to feel disconnected from him right now. However, I agree, you are waging a battle. He has switched sides. It is no longer you all together as a team. You are now the head of your own team, you and your children. The days I hated getting up, the days I wanted to stay in bed and cry, I remembered that my son was watching me. He was 15 then and I needed him to see I was strong when I wasn't sure I could be. 

 

As far as homeschooling, I would keep everything for now, don't toss year end stuff just in case. 

 

 

[Seasider]

If you want marriage counseling to try and save this marriage, call the local churches. Many of them offer counseling services, sometimes with lay people that have been trained or they will often cover the cost off therapy with a professional counselor.

Hugs to you!!

Please consider a counselor carefully. I could not recommend a layman trained by the church. I sat in on some of that training to see what it was all about and I can tell you there are now many well intentioned but poorly qualified folks out there who may be more harmful than helpful.

 

Many churches are willing to assist you in covering the cost of a qualified, professional counselor. If you want a Christian counselor, there are professionals out there. A church can help you find someone who is both respectful of your faith and a sound practitioner. Your lawyer may also have someone to whom he refers clients in your circumstances.

[Minerva]

I am really worried about your isolation. Are you a member of a homeschooling group? Do you have any family anywhere? Do you have any friendly neighbors? How about friends of your kids or a church group? I think finding people to lean on is a good idea. Having people who can watch the kids, hold your hand, remind you to stay strong...is important.. Divorce support groups are a good idea. Your lawyer may have ideas about a therapist or other resources for you and your kids. You do not need to do this alone. There are lots of people who would gladly be the shoulder you need to lean on. 

 

((Big Hugs)) 

 

 

[MomatHWTK]

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=sahm%20survival%20guide%20divorce

[sunflowerlady]

I am so sorry. You have absolutely zero reason to feel guilty.  This is all his ball of wax and he is dumping it on you . Seeing a lawyer is one of the reasonable things to do in a situation that HE put you and your children in. 

 

 

[umsami]

Do not settle on the first attorney you find...or one who is convenient.

 

I have two friends who are lawyers (although corporate) and both regretted their first choice in lawyers. (Yes, it can happen to anybody.) One kept with her lawyer, and the divorce dragged on, and her legal cost were insane.  The other finally realized that her lawyer was not working for her, so switched mid-stream.  She was so happy she switched.

 

Please do not sell yourself short and think that his having a discreet relationship on the side is O.K.   He could still divorce you.  That's what no-fault divorce means.  He can have children with his girlfriend too....and she can be awarded child support, even if they're not married.  You need to fight for yourself and your little ones.

 

You don't have to tell him what you're doing, but proceed.   

 

A credit report will help you find out what credit cards he has.  Try and do as much of the legwork you can.  Otherwise, you're paying your lawyer to do so.   

Tips to Finding Hidden Assets:  http://www.divorcenet.com/states/missouri/mo_art09

 

You can order your own copies of past tax returns directly from the IRS if you don't have them.  You can contact the bank for copies of statements, etc.  

 

You can open up a PO Box at the UPS Store or Post Office if you want to be more discreet....or have stuff c/o a friend.

 

There is almost always a full financial disclosure required by both parties in the case of divorce.  If he has been hiding assets, it will hurt him.  

 

Ask potential lawyers about retainers, hourly fees, etc.  Ask them if they specialize in divorce or is it just part of their law practice. (What percentage of their practice is divorce.)   Ask for their experience with the local courts and what they'd recommend in your situation.  How soon/fast could you expect an order of temporary support, etc.   Ask if the lawyer you are meeting with would handle your case exclusively or who would work on it and their hourly rate.  Depending on where you live, you can find online calculators to estimate spousal support/alimony and child support.  

 

Start thinking of a career you may want to pursue.

 

[Wildcat]

Mrs. W.  :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Your dh told you to have an affair? It's because he is having one and wants you to have one, too, so he appears less at fault during a divorce. He has a history of affairs? He has hidden financial records and has a credit card(s) you didn't know about? He is laying the path for a divorce. The credit card might have been used to buy stuff for the girlfriend. His phone didn't 'die', and even if it did every other person has a phone. What an outright lie that was--- I agree with those who said he was with the girlfriend.

 

You need to listen to the wise and caring ladies who have already posted. See the attorney. Make sure he/she is a pitbull. You have yourself and your kids to care for now. See several attorneys if for no other reason than to limit his options in attorneys. Sadly, you have to go into protection/survival mode here, so please do this. Make doctors appointments for yourself while you have insurance. Get TESTED for STDs. Seriously.

 

From the perspective of a complete outsider, your dh sounds like he 'left' you and your kids a long time ago. I'm asking gently here... why do you want to stay married to him? 

 

Do you have a daughter? Step back for a moment and imagine your daughter coming to you and telling you the things you have posted here. Don't imagine a friend or a sister, but a daughter. Would you want her to stay with someone who treated her the way you described or would you tell her that she deserves a MAN who wants to be a loving husband to her and a loving, involved father to her kids, and who treats her with respect and that it is OK for her to cry in private, lean on her friends, and put on her b*tch face in dealing with him and get the heck out? I would say those exact words to my daughter. In fact, I told her as much as soon as she started to notice boys... that she deserved a MAN who loved her and respected her and to not allow a man to treat her like crap.

 

Mrs. W. you are stronger than you think you are. You have a huge sisterhood here to lean on.  Please don't discount the advice given. You are in shock and scared to death. You haven't lived on your own and the prospect of doing so, and with children, is terrifying but you can do it. There is a strong woman inside of you... allow her to show herself. You have no reason to feel guilty for taking care of yourself and wanting better. None at all. You deserve better.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[goldberry]

 - his saying "you should have an affair (don't), and divorce would be better for you" is a man who has no respect for you, even as the mother of his children. it does sound like a man who is trying to assuage his own guilt and that he *knows* he's being a disgusting pig.

you deserve better than him.

 

Yes.  I'm so sorry, but i believe this is true.  Those words don't come out of someone's mouth that truly loves and respects you.

 

I'm so sorry, but he is telling you who he is.  Please listen.

 

ETA, and I would ask him to leave.  This would help you to take back some control of the situation rather than sitting around wondering what he will do next.

[Hypatia.]

*hugs* I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with the PP - he's telling you who he is, please listen. It's OK to mourn the marriage that you thought you had, that you wished you had, however that doesn't mean you have to stay in the marriage that this apparently is.

 

I know you mentioned some financial records are missing. I would locate other important paperwork (kids' birth certificates, social security cards) and get them somewhere safe where they won't disappear.

[Wildcat]

*hugs* I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with the PP - he's telling you who he is, please listen. It's OK to mourn the marriage that you thought you had, that you wished you had, however that doesn't mean you have to stay in the marriage that this apparently is.

 

I know you mentioned some financial records are missing. I would locate other important paperwork (kids' birth certificates, social security cards) and get them somewhere safe where they won't disappear.

 

:iagree: Get ALL those papers together (I'll add passports to the list, too) and out of the house now and in the care of someone trusted. If you have a safe deposit box, go and get whatever is in there, too. You need to do this to take care of yourself. You aren't destroying anything, you are protecting yourself. Any of HIS papers can be given to him through attorneys, but you need to make sure you have everything pertaining to you and your kids. You have no idea what he has planned (and yes, he does have a plan), so you need to gather everything so it doesn't go missing.

 

I forgot to add... it varies by state, but definitely don't be the one to leave. I have no idea what my state's laws are, but I know someone who wanted a divorce and neither party wanted to leave the house because it had something to do with the final judgement on the finances. It was something like the person who left would give up the house & equity as the house is decided separately from everything else. I don't know if that is right as it sounds goofy to me. I just know I have heard over and over again to not leave until you have the advice of an attorney. You need to tell him to leave as by staying int he house, he will continue to prey on your fears and feelings. You need time without him there to think clearly.

[Supertechmom]

Ok, really interested to know what state this is?  It sounds draconian.  An affair means no spousal support?  At all?  What is the punishment if the working spouse had the affair?

 

 

SC. " No alimony may be awarded a spouse who commits adultery before the earliest of these two events: (1) the formal signing of a written property or marital settlement agreement or (2) entry of a permanent order of separate maintenance and support or of a permanent order approving a property or marital settlement agreement between the parties.  "   SC Code of laws

 

It was written so the male wage earner wouldn't have to support a cheating wife after a divorce.   Today's society works a little different but with so many women working, alimony is becoming a moot point.  Most are being given short term alimony to help achieve a better paying job to compensate for the loss of income and retirement. And to make it even better, the grounds for an affair is considered being alone behind closed doors for a few hours.  SO an ass can cheat on his wife, hire a private eye to catch her behind closed doors with a guy for any reason and bam no alimony.  my sis had to be very careful until everything was signed.  She never went anywhere alone.  And the law upholds same sex adultery even while the state refused to accept same sex marriage .Though the judge did say he would want something more solid like photos before he ruled on that.

 

 

Know the law.   

[Alessandra]

Do not settle on the first attorney you find...or one who is convenient.

 

I have two friends who are lawyers (although corporate) and both regretted their first choice in lawyers. (Yes, it can happen to anybody.) One kept with her lawyer, and the divorce dragged on, and her legal cost were insane. The other finally realized that her lawyer was not working for her, so switched mid-stream. She was so happy she switched.

 

Please do not sell yourself short and think that his having a discreet relationship on the side is O.K. He could still divorce you. That's what no-fault divorce means. He can have children with his girlfriend too....and she can be awarded child support, even if they're not married. You need to fight for yourself and your little ones.

 

You don't have to tell him what you're doing, but proceed.

 

A credit report will help you find out what credit cards he has. Try and do as much of the legwork you can. Otherwise, you're paying your lawyer to do so.

Tips to Finding Hidden Assets: http://www.divorcenet.com/states/missouri/mo_art09

 

You can order your own copies of past tax returns directly from the IRS if you don't have them. You can contact the bank for copies of statements, etc.

 

You can open up a PO Box at the UPS Store or Post Office if you want to be more discreet....or have stuff c/o a friend.

 

There is almost always a full financial disclosure required by both parties in the case of divorce. If he has been hiding assets, it will hurt him.

 

Ask potential lawyers about retainers, hourly fees, etc. Ask them if they specialize in divorce or is it just part of their law practice. (What percentage of their practice is divorce.) Ask for their experience with the local courts and what they'd recommend in your situation. How soon/fast could you expect an order of temporary support, etc. Ask if the lawyer you are meeting with would handle your case exclusively or who would work on it and their hourly rate. Depending on where you live, you can find online calculators to estimate spousal support/alimony and child support.

 

Start thinking of a career you may want to pursue.

Great link. I see there are ads for 2 Nolo books on divorce and one on custody. I have used other Nolo books and found them extremely helpful. Plus Nolo tends to issue new, up to date editions frequently.

[idnib]

Please listen to Garga, especially, and the others. His words and actions are screaming out about who he is, what he's doing, and the reality of your immediate future. You must get there first. Beat him to the punch. Get the lawyer, stake your claim, protect your kids and their interests, FAST, while he's still hemming and hawing and trying to influence you to do things his way.

 

That calm before the storm, when he makes you feel guilty and confuses you and manipulates you (while he's still somewhat there physically) -- that time can be as short as a week. Or days. And he's working behind the scenes already.

 

I agree with this. And even though you're "behind" compared to his planning, you have one big advantage. He doesn't respect you (the cell phone lie was just one more indicator) and thinks he can walk all over you. You have to find the strength to not be the person he expects you to be, and use your advantage. He's underestimating you and while it may be painful, you can use it to your benefit.

 

I'm sure you understand that if someone is attacked, they have a right to defend themselves, and if they have children, they have an actual obligation, however difficult it is.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

 he's willing to throw you under the bus to get there. You've got to protect yourself. HE is the one who made this adversarial. 

 

he's also throwing your children under the bus . . . .

 

Mrs. W.  :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Your dh told you to have an affair? It's because he is having one and wants you to have one, too, so he appears less at fault during a divorce. He has a history of affairs? He has hidden financial records and has a credit card(s) you didn't know about? He is laying the path for a divorce. The credit card might have been used to buy stuff for the girlfriend. His phone didn't 'die', and even if it did every other person has a phone. What an outright lie that was--- I agree with those who said he was with the girlfriend.

 

You need to listen to the wise and caring ladies who have already posted. See the attorney. Make sure he/she is a pitbull. You have yourself and your kids to care for now. See several attorneys if for no other reason than to limit his options in attorneys. Sadly, you have to go into protection/survival mode here, so please do this. Make doctors appointments for yourself while you have insurance. Get TESTED for STDs. Seriously.

 

From the perspective of a complete outsider, your dh sounds like he 'left' you and your kids a long time ago. I'm asking gently here... why do you want to stay married to him? 

 

Do you have a daughter? Step back for a moment and imagine your daughter coming to you and telling you the things you have posted here. Don't imagine a friend or a sister, but a daughter. Would you want her to stay with someone who treated her the way you described or would you tell her that she deserves a MAN who wants to be a loving husband to her and a loving, involved father to her kids, and who treats her with respect and that it is OK for her to cry in private, lean on her friends, and put on her b*tch face in dealing with him and get the heck out? I would say those exact words to my daughter. In fact, I told her as much as soon as she started to notice boys... that she deserved a MAN who loved her and respected her and to not allow a man to treat her like crap.

 

Mrs. W. you are stronger than you think you are. You have a huge sisterhood here to lean on.  Please don't discount the advice given. You are in shock and scared to death. You haven't lived on your own and the prospect of doing so, and with children, is terrifying but you can do it. There is a strong woman inside of you... allow her to show herself. You have no reason to feel guilty for taking care of yourself and wanting better. None at all. You deserve better.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

this reminded me of a long ago post someone made somewhere of biblical marriage advice.  it's pertinent to this.

 

 

Good Biblical Advice about relationships for girls (some offensive - language- content)

 

 

 

"If you're in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, here's a piece of Biblical advice: "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz." While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Drunkaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothingaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz and especially his third cousin Beatinyouaz. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz!!"

 

 

 

Mrs.W - your husband is a cheatinaz and a lyinaz and he doesn't respect yoaz so it's time to hie thee to a lawyer and drop kick hisaz.

[Guest]

I don't recall reading that verse in the bible, Kristen, but I TOTALLY agree. You deserve better than a different type of loser. Right now just do the next thing and don't panic. Or if you panic, panic to us. And please consider changing your user name if he is aware of it and might consider stalking for information :(

[monstermama]

Do you have a daughter? Step back for a moment and imagine your daughter coming to you and telling you the things you have posted here. Don't imagine a friend or a sister, but a daughter. Would you want her to stay with someone who treated her the way you described or would you tell her that she deserves a MAN who wants to be a loving husband to her and a loving, involved father to her kids, and who treats her with respect and that it is OK for her to cry in private, lean on her friends, and put on her b*tch face in dealing with him and get the heck out? I would say those exact words to my daughter. In fact, I told her as much as soon as she started to notice boys... that she deserved a MAN who loved her and respected her and to not allow a man to treat her like crap.

 

 

So many times this.  Your kids are learning how marriage works from watching yours.  I posted not long ago about a close relative who had an unhappy marriage and separated after all the kids had left for college.  She felt strongly that they had to remain together "for the kids."  Her daughter married a carbon copy of her dad - he struggles to hold down a job and is more interested in his hobbies than his kid.  Everyone one else in the family dislikes him, but her daughter and her other kids love him because he's "fun" and what they expect a man to act like.

 

I wish you the best.  Be strong.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[bolt.]

((((Hugs))))

 

Still 100% here for you!

 

The thing about reading your words on a message board (as opposed to knowing you in person) is that it depersonalizes the story enough that it feels like a story. In fact, it feels like a very common, very old story. One I've read along with a dozen or more times since I began my internet life. You are not alone. You are on a difficult, but predictable story arc. It will all make more sense soon.

 

((((Love))))

[Alicia64]

i know this sounds cheesy, but that old song called I Will Survive has something in it.

 

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified. . .

 

Now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me. So now go! Walk out the door! Turn around now! Because you're not welcome anymore!"

 

He's not welcome in your heart. He. blew. it.

 

He's given up so much. He'll realize it some day, but you'll be a stronger woman then.

 

"Diamonds are found only when brought up via volcanic action." You're already in the process of transforming into a diamond. Although I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

 

((((Hugs))))

 

Alley

[jelbe5]

Everything said above is good and true, except the bolded. You can take a friend TO the appointment, but he or she cannot be part of the meeting itself. Doing so would waive attorney-client privilege and give your husband access to everything said or written in that meeting.

 

Thanks so much for this clarification!

[Jenrae]

Please consider a counselor carefully. I could not recommend a layman trained by the church. I sat in on some of that training to see what it was all about and I can tell you there are now many well intentioned but poorly qualified folks out there who may be more harmful than helpful.

 

Many churches are willing to assist you in covering the cost of a qualified, professional counselor. If you want a Christian counselor, there are professionals out there. A church can help you find someone who is both respectful of your faith and a sound practitioner. Your lawyer may also have someone to whom he refers clients in your circumstances.

Yes, I completely agree with your thought here that a lay person is not the BEST person to see for counseling.

 

I did think that a lay person was better than no cousneling at all, BUT only if the lay person came highly recomended by friends or other church members who were helped by the counseling the individual offered.

 

Indeed, a trained professional could make a world of difference, EVEN with someone who has committed adultery and currently doesn't think they want to give that relationship up.

[Wildcat]

So many times this.  Your kids are learning how marriage works from watching yours.  I posted not long ago about a close relative who had an unhappy marriage and separated after all the kids had left for college.  She felt strongly that they had to remain together "for the kids."  Her daughter married a carbon copy of her dad - he struggles to hold down a job and is more interested in his hobbies than his kid.  Everyone one else in the family dislikes him, but her daughter and her other kids love him because he's "fun" and what they expect a man to act like.

 

I wish you the best.  Be strong.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Thanks for posting this. I actually meant to say that the kids were learning how a marriage should work but I got sidetracked.

 

My point was that we adults often take advice/look at situations when other adults are involved differently (eh, it isn't so bad/they are grown ups and can handle things themselves/maybe it isn't as bad as it sounds/friend Suzie doens't know he sweet he can be at times/etc)  than when we imagine our kids involved in the same situation and we go into "mama mode" (Oh my gosh, Sweetie, you deserve so much better. He's a rat and is cheating on you. It's painfully obvious. Kick him to the curb. Now.). That was where I was coming from. I think as adults we tend to minimize things that would be obvious to us if it was our kids involved.

 

Mrs. W. I'm thinking of you today. :grouphug:

[Wildcat]

((((Hugs))))

 

Still 100% here for you!

 

The thing about reading your words on a message board (as opposed to knowing you in person) is that it depersonalizes the story enough that it feels like a story. In fact, it feels like a very common, very old story. One I've read along with a dozen or more times since I began my internet life. You are not alone. You are on a difficult, but predictable story arc. It will all make more sense soon.

 

((((Love))))

 

Not just on the internet but books and movies have the same theme/story arc. It's so hard to see when you (general you) are the one in the story, though, and often it needs to be shown to you (general you).  I hope Mrs. W. is able to see more clearly now and has been acting for herself and her kids. My heart hurts for her.

[Tsuga]

 

ETA, and I would ask him to leave.  This would help you to take back some control of the situation rather than sitting around wondering what he will do next.

 

I would not do that. I would just file for divorce on the grounds that he has admitted he's having an affair.

 

Don't kick him out. Don't sleep with him but don't do anything that could be perceived as being the aggressor at this point.

 

That said, I would absolutely sleep in another bedroom.

[Alicia64]

I would not do that. I would just file for divorce on the grounds that he has admitted he's having an affair.

 

Don't kick him out. Don't sleep with him but don't do anything that could be perceived as being the aggressor at this point.

 

That said, I would absolutely sleep in another bedroom.

 

People on TWTM are much more educated about this process than I am, but this sounds smart to me. I. would. not. sleep. with. him. PERIOD.

 

I would absolutely move into the guest room and I would document, document, document with daily notes and photos.

 

I would even go so far as to tape record, but that depends on the laws in your state.

 

Putting emotions aside is the right thing to do and proceed armed with a lawyer and knowledge. He's the ding-dong here. He's proving to be incredibly IMMATURE to propel this situation and harm your family. He blew it.

 

By being strong and responding with maturity you're showing your children how to get through a crisis. You're being a wonderful mom.

 

Hang in there. You have my deepest respect.

 

Alley

[AmandaVT]

VT is a state where you have to be separated for a certain amount of time before you can get divorced. I'm not sure if it's just if you have children, or for all divorces. But, sleeping in separate rooms counts towards the time, so if you start now, you might be starting the clock, which you'll be happy about down the line. 

 

Hope you're doing ok today and are getting some answers from the lawyer!

[Liz CA]

I would not do that. I would just file for divorce on the grounds that he has admitted he's having an affair.

 

Don't kick him out. Don't sleep with him but don't do anything that could be perceived as being the aggressor at this point.

 

That said, I would absolutely sleep in another bedroom.

 

Is there a difference in the court's collective mind between "kicking out" and "asking to leave after it has become obvious he is involved with someone else and has brought up the subject of divorce?"

 

I would think so as many lawyers have recommended this, especially in this state. This was one of the first questions my friend was asked - "Are you living in separate households" when she consulted an attorney.

 

I would really hope that no judge thinks a woman and children should stay in the same house until the husband has decided, in his own good time and with more opportunity to hide docs and records, which of the two women he prefers. Not even to mention the mental struggles this causes.

[ErinE]

Is there a difference in the court's collective mind between "kicking out" and "asking to leave after it has become obvious he is involved with someone else and has brought up the subject of divorce?"

 

I would think so as many lawyers have recommended this, especially in this state. This was one of the first questions my friend was asked - "Are you living in separate households" when she consulted an attorney.

 

I would really hope that no judge thinks a woman and children should stay in the same house until the husband has decided, in his own good time and with more opportunity to hide docs and records, which of the two women he prefers. Not even to mention the mental struggles this causes.

Divorce laws vary state by state, but the divorces I've witnessed in TX and NC, neither spouse left the home until formal separation papers were filed (the people slept in separate rooms). I don't think she should change living arrangements without consulting an attorney.

[zoobie]

Is there a difference in the court's collective mind between "kicking out" and "asking to leave after it has become obvious he is involved with someone else and has brought up the subject of divorce?"

 

I would think so as many lawyers have recommended this, especially in this state. This was one of the first questions my friend was asked - "Are you living in separate households" when she consulted an attorney.

 

I would really hope that no judge thinks a woman and children should stay in the same house until the husband has decided, in his own good time and with more opportunity to hide docs and records, which of the two women he prefers. Not even to mention the mental struggles this causes.

Yes, there's a difference. An attorney will advise you as to the magic wording. When a friend went through filing divorce against a cheating spouse (FWIW, they reconciled after a year of counseling and "dating"), it had to be her husband's choice to leave the house. She had her dad, BIL, and an uncle there to prevent a scene. Her mom had their kids. She could say "I think it's best if..." but it had to be voluntary. After he left, they changed the locks and security code.

 

Her attorney also advised her not to have marital relations with him. Not only for legal reasons, but for health implications. A cousin discovered her husband's infidelity through an STD. :/

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Mrs. Weasley, I don't have anything to add to the excellent advice you've been given here, but I wanted to say I've been thinking about you the past few days, and I hope you're holding up as well as possible under the circumstances. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[clementine]

:grouphug:   I am so sorry.  I have no advice, but please take the suggestions you've gotten here - I hate that so many have BTDT experiences, but I love that you are getting lots of good information.  I hope you are doing okay & that you have people to vent to/lean on.  

[Tsuga]

Is there a difference in the court's collective mind between "kicking out" and "asking to leave after it has become obvious he is involved with someone else and has brought up the subject of divorce?"

 

I would think so as many lawyers have recommended this, especially in this state. This was one of the first questions my friend was asked - "Are you living in separate households" when she consulted an attorney.

 

I would really hope that no judge thinks a woman and children should stay in the same house until the husband has decided, in his own good time and with more opportunity to hide docs and records, which of the two women he prefers. Not even to mention the mental struggles this causes.

 

I think the problem is that every judge is different and some lawyers are better than others.

 

It is still half(ish) his house, and his kids are still his kids.

 

Unless he presents a danger to his wife, I would think that removing the children without his permission, or kicking him out, might under some circumstances give the wrong idea of Mrs. Weasley's character to the court.

 

Moreover, it is not necessary. She is not talking about him smacking her around or screaming at the kids or anything.

 

The best interests of the children at this point, IMO, is that he remains at home until they find a counselor or neutral party to help the kids understand. Mrs. Weasley can sleep in the guest room or on a couch. If he offers when he sees her going, then she can accept his offer to sleep on the couch, the guest room, or a hotel. She shouldn't try to make him do that. IMO this is mainly because that would be removing him from the kids and creating a scene for the kids, which would be harmful for them.

 

FWIW I did do that in my marriage, but I was the one who left, and this was only after I finally decided to enforce "no means no". It had nothing to do with the fact that our marriage was over. It was  a personal safety issue.

[WinsomeCreek]

Mrs. W, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. i think it is worth listening to the advice of women who have been through this or watched loved ones go through it. I want to offer hugs and aknowledgement that the reality of implementing this stuff is hard. Things don't go as planned. The first counselor or two might be worthless. Same as with lawyers. It's probably impossible for you to turn off the grief and fear. I do think it would help for you to reframe how you see the situation and get angry.

 

As for reconciliation... your best chance for making it work out is, ironically, to do the same thing you would if divorcing. Rediscover you. Be strong and find confidence in making a life for yourself that is not based around your Dh. Of course it's hard.

 

One quick cautionary tale. When my parents divorced they both snatched and hid every penny they could from each other. They undermined each other financially until there was nothing left. If at all possible, open accounts for your children and sock away money that neither parent can touch. College savings account? Maybe a trust even?

 

Thinking of you.

 

Edited: removed personal distracting info

[Ewe Mama]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. :grouphug:

 

Stay strong and keep breathing in and out.

[PrincessMommy]

many hugs to you Mrs. W... thinking of you today.  I have no words to offer... Just feel so sad for you and this situation.

[Scarlett]

Mrs. W thinking of you today and hoping you are ok.

[Alicia64]

Hi Mrs. W! Thinking of you. Hoping you're feeling the support and caring on these pages.

 

Please, please stay in touch.

 

Alley

[Alessandra]

I am thinking of you too.

 

Just a minute ago, I googled divorce support groups plus the name of my county. One of the results was from a local hospital, and it listed four groups, which I presume they have vetted, more or less. There were lots of other Google results. I live in a pretty populated area, but I hope your area has some good choices.

 

I like in person support. I mean, it is much more work than online or reading books, but ultimately being accountable to IRL people can help. YMMV.

 

ETA. The groups I saw were all free, and some had free childcare during the meetings.

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: Thinking for you today. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Mrs. W thinking of you today and hoping you are ok.

Same here. :grouphug:

 

I'm hoping you have been too busy helping your dh pack his stuff so he can move out of your house. The longer he stays there, the more he can keep messing with your head. Once he is out, you will be able to get adjusted to a new normal with your children and you will be able to clear your head of all of his nonsense and see him for who he really is.

 

MrsW -- I just wanted to mention that the fact you haven't worked and aren't trained to work could actually work strongly in your favor in a divorce situation. Homeschooling could be another advantage, because many judges try to keep the children's lives as stable as possible. In your case, that could mean that you could remain in your home until your kids are grown and continue to homeschool the kids. It could also mean that your dh would have to pay for your education so you can eventually qualify for a good job. Because you haven't worked and have been married for a long time, you will almost certainly receive alimony (you definitely would in many states -- and in some states you would get it for several years, but I don't know where you live.)

 

Please try to change your mindset that views your dh as having been the one who worked, because you worked, too. You maintained the household and raised your children. That was a full time job. You didn't pursue further education because your dh had you convinced it wasn't necessary. You trusted him to take care of the finances and be trustworthy and he betrayed you. You thought you would be married for life and he ruined it with his own selfishness and lack of caring about you and your feelings.

 

Get mad. Now. Stop putting up with his garbage as soon as your lawyer gets things arranged for you. He is not the man you thought you married.

 

And seeing a lawyer isn't a betrayal -- it's SURVIVAL. Your dh has already betrayed you on so many levels. It's time for you to take control of the situation, and with the right legal guidance and a little courage, you can do exactly that.

[Minerva]

Sending more hugs. I hope you are on the road to figuring out what works best for you and your kids. 

[J-rap]

Thinking of you and hoping you're okay.  You're not alone!!

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[Seasider]

Mrs W, on the chance that you are moving forward with legal proceedings, it may be prudent to ask that this thread be removed. Our feelings won't be hurt! We are all thinking of you, wishing and praying the best possible outcome for you and your dear children. Remember that private messages are an option.

[Wildcat]

Sending more hugs to Mrs. W. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug: