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UPDATED: Homeschooling for mental health at the expense of academic excellence....


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I'm not sure what to do about my almost-15yo child's education for the coming school year.

 

Dd started the year at the local junior high for 9th grade. Dd was the target of daily harassment. Over the next several weeks, she became more withdrawn and depressed until she eventually refused to go to school. The school wasn't willing to do anything. I pulled her out to homeschool for the rest of the year.

 

In January she was suicidal. I found a good counselor that we started seeing in the middle of January. In April I finally found a psychiatrist who will treat adolescents. She started antidepressants and things began to improve more with the combination of therapy and meds.

 

She has not been the best homeschool student (basically only wants to work on the subjects that really interest her while avoiding subjects like math). I worry that if we continue with this option, she won't be as educated as she could be at a good school. At the same time, she has been dealing with major issues. Ultimately, I want her to be alive, emotionally healthy, and able to function in society. That's possible without a standard high school education, even though the idea makes me nervous. She knows what she wants to do professionally (art and technology related) and spends a lot of time honing those skills.

 

We put her name in the lottery for some charter schools for the fall because we know the local high school is not a good option (same kids who bullied her before). She was selected for an excellent school that has a very rigorous academic program in which students earn two years of college credit while still in high school (concurrent enrollment). She was initially excited about that and we registered her for this coming school year. The more I think about it, though, the less confident I am that it would be a good option for her emotionally. She is worried about the workload and more bullies. I obviously don't want to put her in a situation that triggers suicidal thoughts again. She still seems a bit fragile to me.

 

There is another excellent charter school that she has a chance of getting into. My 13yo daughter is registered there for the coming school year. Because of this, all of her siblings get priority status if a spot opens up. This school is very friendly and nurturing. We met with the counselor at this school yesterday and I really liked her as well as the overall vibe. When we left, my child was bouncing with excitement over the possibility of this school. We don't have any sort of guarantee that a spot will open up. It's a very small school with <50 students per grade level. If a 10th grade spot opens up, my child is one of three siblings of current students in the lottery pool. We may not know until after school has started if she will get in. They will run lotteries all summer and through the first month of school, if needed, to fill vacancies.

 

I think I expected her to be in a better space emotionally after six months of homeschool, but I realize that that was probably an unfair and unrealistic expectation. Right now I feel inclined to keep her at home unless/until a spot opens up at the small, friendly school....

 

What would you do?

 

UPDATE:

 

She just got accepted into the small school! We did discuss plans with the therapist last month and reached the consensus that homeschooling was better than the concurrent enrollment school. We decided that we'd homeschool unless/until she got a spot at the small school.

 

Dd is very excited! So am I. And I'm so glad that we didn't end up having to wait all summer to find out.

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Prioritize mental health over academics.

 

I know a young woman who spent most of her high school years dealing with mental health issues, including residential treatment. She ended up needing an extra year to complete high school but is now in college doing well. Health has to come first.

 

Best wishes to you and your DD, it can be a hard path.

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Take the coming school year off as medical leave and start 10th grade in Fall 2016? She can study what she want at home and build back her mental health but on an unofficial basis. Or make it a 5 year high school?

 

Academic excellence is not worth it at the expense of mental/emotional health.

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As much as I am in favor of academics, mental health trumps everything.

Treating depression is a lengthy process; if you just started treatment in April, it may be too early to expect results. Homeschooling saved her from the school situation, but did not cure her illness, nor can it be expected to.

Go with your gut and keep her home unless you find a school situation you feel confident about that it is right for her. Academics can always be caught up later, perhaps through an extra year of high school. Mental health is more important.

 

My friend's son is 17, homeschooled, and suffers from depression. The family's top priority is to get him well. He is several years behind academically, because he has been unable to do schoolwork for long stretches of time. It is what it is. First he needs to get healthy.

Best wishes, this must be hard.

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I have had to prioritize mental health over academics in my family.  It is hard.  It can be depressing to see what other kids are doing and feel like "my kid should be doing that too."  I can't tell you that in my case it all worked out well in the end, because it is still in process, but I do know of people for whom it has worked out well to take time off, or go at a slower pace, or do whatever is necessary to treat the health problems.   There really is no option anyway; as a pp said, you really can't have strong academics if mental health is suffering.

 

:grouphug: to you and your daughter.

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I'm not sure what to do about my almost-15yo child's education for the coming school year.

 

 

Ultimately, I want her to be alive, emotionally healthy, and able to function in society. That's possible without a standard high school education, even though the idea makes me nervous. She knows what she wants to do professionally (art and technology related) and spends a lot of time honing those skills. It seems like you've answered your own question. Go with your gut feeling.

 

 

 

What would you do? I'd keep my DD home in this situation.

 

 

  :grouphug: I wish you and your daughter all the best.

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I appreciate your feedback. Dh is pushing hard for her to be in school this fall. He suffers from depression and anxiety himself, so I don't understand why he isn't more understanding. He also had an alternative high school experience where he slacked off for the first few years and then realized that he needed to do better if he wanted to be a successful adult. He skipped his last year of high school and went to a community college. He got perfect grades for three semesters in order to get accepted into the university of his choice.

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Mental health first.  Don't sweat this decision. It really is a simple one. No education, no academic opportunity is worth it if the person is seriously damaged by it psychologically. Given the severity of her illness, I wouldn't even blink at keeping her home for at least another year. All academics can be made up later - or maybe they won't need to be. If she knows  what she wants, just figure out those requirements and work on those. Consider online courses, tutors, private classes - think out of the box. Take the time she needs. 

It's ok to start college later, it's ok to take a more circuitous route. Get her healthy first. Meds, counselling, CBT, good environments, good healthy opportunities (perhaps volunteering somewhere? something to get her 'out there' with healthy and happy adults, and seeing a bigger world beyond the toxic teen environment which pervades many high schools..)

 

best wishes

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Do you know how the early college school operates? My local one treats the students like college students once they are enrolled in college courses. You only have to attend class. There's no mandatory study hall or lunchroom or gym so there aren't a lot of bullying opportunities.

 

If your school is set up this way it might be okay. If it's more like regular high school I would avoid it. There are lots of online classes available if you need to outsource a subject or two. You can provide a solid home school high school education without breaking the bank or doing it all yourself.

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Is it possible your dh just doesn't want her to be ill? I know sometimes people just really don't want to face how serious things are & it's just a defense mechanism. He might be really upset deep down if she's showing illness similar to his. He does understand it, in that case. It's possible that he's just so upset (& perhaps worried that he is in some way the cause, genetics etc). that he wants to deny it, kwim?

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Agreeing with others that her mental health must be first priority.  Academic achievement will be useless for her if she isn't mentally healthy over the long term.

 

She has not been the best homeschool student (basically only wants to work on the subjects that really interest her while avoiding subjects like math). I worry that if we continue with this option, she won't be as educated as she could be at a good school. At the same time, she has been dealing with major issues. Ultimately, I want her to be alive, emotionally healthy, and able to function in society. That's possible without a standard high school education, even though the idea makes me nervous. She knows what she wants to do professionally (art and technology related) and spends a lot of time honing those skills.

 

 

Just looking at the bolded in particular, I'm wondering if the very rigorous academic program would be a good fit for her even without the mental health issues?  Would she have time to pursue the art/technology skills that she loves and hopes to work at in the future?  Would the rigorous/advanced academics be helpful or necessary for her long term goals? 

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She's currently enrolled in some BYU independent study courses. In order to be ready for either school this fall, she'd need to compete them. That may or may not be possible. The smaller school is willing to accept some of our unaccredited homeschool credits for graduation total credit purposes.

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Agreeing with others that her mental health must be first priority. Academic achievement will be useless for her if she isn't mentally healthy over the long term.

 

 

Just looking at the bolded in particular, I'm wondering if the very rigorous academic program would be a good fit for her even without the mental health issues? Would she have time to pursue the art/technology skills that she loves and hopes to work at in the future? Would the rigorous/advanced academics be helpful or necessary for her long term goals?

It's a STEM school, so there are elective options for digital media, which is what she wants to study in college.

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Anxiety also tends to make people think that utter disaster is looming just over the horizon if you don't do everything right. Your dh may be feeling very uncomfortable with a non-traditional HS path because that means not doing things the right way.

 

Maybe keeping her home would be easier for him to accept if your dd's Dr. or therapist recommended it?

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It's possible that he's just so upset (& perhaps worried that he is in some way the cause, genetics etc). that he wants to deny it, kwim?

:iagree:

I have a friend deeply worried that she pass her bipolar genes to her only child. Mental health is still so taboo in society.

Asthma runs on both sides of my family but society has somehow accept the genetics aspect of it without finger pointing (in general).

 

ETA:

I also agree that some people do better with social interaction (not necessary from school) than isolating themselves. I have a suicidal friend who works because she would be moping at home and be more depressed. Working keeps her busy and she has to choose work with the least idle time.

:grouphug:

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Can she enroll part time in the STEM school?

No, and there's really no flexibility within the program aside from a few elective options. In order to get everyone through the required credits for both high school and associates graduation, they are quite rigid in what courses need to be taken each year.

 

She can, however, take classes directly from the university once she's older (16?) and passes a placement exam.

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I'd talk with DD about moving her expected graduation date and her plans from there. There is no reason she has to have her diploma at 18 vs. 19 or 19.5, is there?

 

If a spot opens up at the small school, it's fine to try it out if she wants to, and it's also fine if their pace doesn't work for her.

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Absolutely, mental health comes first.

 

I appreciate your feedback. Dh is pushing hard for her to be in school this fall. He suffers from depression and anxiety himself, so I don't understand why he isn't more understanding. He also had an alternative high school experience where he slacked off for the first few years and then realized that he needed to do better if he wanted to be a successful adult. He skipped his last year of high school and went to a community college. He got perfect grades for three semesters in order to get accepted into the university of his choice.

 

I have known several kids whose depression was worsened by withdrawing from high school. They went from having to get up and dressed everyday to go to school where they spent time with supportive friends to sleeping in bed 24 hrs a day. It cut them off from peers and from an external support system (though, obviously none of them were dealing with bullying). One of those kids also had an unsupportive home environment so I think that played a significant factor as well.

 

Perhaps that is where your husband is coming from: if he feels like getting up and having somewhere to go everyday is helpful to him in managing his depression, then he may genuinely see keeping her home as an option that could potentially worsen her depression. Obviously your daughter's situation is different if bullying has played a role in the situation, but I can understand the perspective that continuing to go to school can be helpful to some kids.

 

Are you attending family therapy? This might be a really good thing to hash out with your husband and a therapist so that everyone is on the same page as far as what kind of support your daughter needs to get better. Your husband may just need reassurance that she won't be isolated at home. Does your daughter have close friends or a supportive environment where she can spend time with other teens?

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<snip>

 

Perhaps that is where your husband is coming from: if he feels like getting up and having somewhere to go everyday is helpful to him in managing his depression, then he may genuinely see keeping her home as an option that could potentially worsen her depression. Obviously your daughter's situation is different if bullying has played a role in the situation, but I can understand the perspective that continuing to go to school can be helpful to some kids.

 

Are you attending family therapy? This might be a really good thing to hash out with your husband and a therapist so that everyone is on the same page as far as what kind of support your daughter needs to get better. Your husband may just need reassurance that she won't be isolated at home. Does your daughter have close friends or a supportive environment where she can spend time with other teens?

 

This is what I was thinking.  People respond to things differently.  If your husband was successful in overcoming his anxiety and depression (or is successful in managing it), then it would make sense he would think "his" way would work for your daughter too.  It's not really a matter of not being understanding - perhaps it's just not understanding her. 

 

I agree family therapy is a good thing to do if it's not happening now.

 

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Dd has a therapy appointment on Tuesday that I'm hoping dh can come to so we can discuss this all together.

Is the therapist biased against homeschooling? I ask because some are biased and do not see the value in homeschooling.

 

I agree that mental health comes first. In fact, I may be homeschooling next year to preserve my kid's mental health and happiness. It is a tough decision because it is a well renowned school but the bottom line is I want my son to be happy.

 

Did she start BYU mid school year? Is she able to complete those classes? If you homeschooled can you do any online classes with teachers or co-ops with teachers for the classes she has difficulty with? She might be more inclined to do them with an outside teacher.

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Mental health comes first just like others said.  If your child was suffering with a physical illness, let's say post concussive syndrome, you would not put them in a program that overly taxed them, you would put focus on healing first.  The same goes for mental illness.  My oldest is struggling with mental illness, we have cut back on academics and slowed down so we can focus on what needs to be done to stabilize his mental well being (I say stabilize not cure or heal because he will not really ever be free from this). It means he will be in high school longer before he graduates but that's okay. I started homeschooling to save his mental health back when he was suicidal at 7.  At 16 he still struggles but I don't think he would have come this far academically or mentally had he not been homeschooled this whole time.  I had to drop my ideas of what he should be doing at any given time and focus on what he could actually do at that point because some days are better than others. 

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Mental health comes first.  I've skimmed over the responses.  Which option is your daughter most excited about?  IF school is the answer, the smaller, friendly/nurturing one sounds like the best bet.  A positive environment with nice kids and fun activities and a schedule to have to follow every day could be great, and a way for her to re-focus.  But that's so unpredictable, and with her anxiety, I guess you never know which way that experience could go.  You would need to keep a very, very close watch on her and be ready to pull her out on the dime.

 

On the flip side, is she content at home?  Does she have enough to do, or does she have too much time to be withdrawn and melancholy?  That would be the downside about keeping her at home.  But if she's content at home, there's a lot you can do to help her keep moving forward while letting her continue to recover mentally.

 

We had a devastating event happen in our home when our youngest was a freshman, and our lives were in upheaval.  It required us to be on the road for almost two years and school took a far back burner.  It was such a very, very different experience for her than our other older kids, who had the typical college prep-high school experience. 

 

For two years, this is what she did.  She kept up with math, using Teaching Textbooks.  That's pretty much independently done.  (She just did through Algebra II.)  She read history on her own.  For example, we had the whole set of History of US books.  She just read through them, writing about a few facts that she learned every day in a journal.  (We also watched a lot of interesting historical films.)  For English, she wrote.  She loved writing and it was cathartic for her.  She wrote two novels.  She did take an online foreign language course because this was something she was interested in.  She did lots and lots of drawing. 

 

For science, she had already had typical 8th/9th grade science (physical science?).  We hadn't been planning to call that high school science, but in the end, we did.  She then already had Biology in her 9th grade year before everything happened.  She took Chemistry in her senior year once our lives were more normal again and we were back home.  (So, she got in her three years.)

 

Anyway, she did a lot of interesting things in those two years, and a lot of it we were able to use as coursework.  She took a gap year between her senior year and college and traveled/studied abroad.

 

Her high school courses were all quite basic/general.  She had no AP courses, no real college-prep type courses.  She earned solid B's and A's, and had a lot of special projects and activities to put on her college application.   She applied at 5 solid private liberal arts colleges and got into all of them with good scholarships.  It still surprises me!  I was afraid she wouldn't get into any!

 

So, sorry this got long -- I just wanted to encourage you that if things don't go as planned, if courses you cover are mostly just the minimal required courses, not all is lost!  She can really move forward in her areas of interest -- art, for example, during that time.  She could take a gap year between high school and college and do something art-related. 

 

If she stayed home, she could perhaps begin work on various art projects for an exhibit at a local coffee house or restaurant or public library.  She could work with someone on cutting her own matting.

 

People get stuck into thinking there's only one way to become educated or prepare for college, but there really are so many ways of doing it.  As long as you can figure out how to present it all on a college application/resume, colleges are often quite open to these unique ways of getting an education.  That's been our experience, anyway.

 

Very best wishes to you and your daughter as you navigate your way through all of this.  It can be done!!  :grouphug: :grouphug:

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Her therapist hasn't said anything negative about homeschooling at all. She's been neutral on education options and has focused more on helping dd process her feelings.

 

I asked dd to rate each option on a scale of 1-10 for excitement and for nervousness (10 high). The rigorous school got a score of 5 for excitement and 8 for nervousness. Homeschool got a scores of 6 and 3. The smaller school got scores of 10 and 6.

 

I'd love to get her more involved with outside groups or classes, but she has shot down every option. Finding a place to display her art is a great idea.

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:lurk5:  :grouphug:  I don't have any advice.  I also have one child whose mental health issues are derailing her educational progress.  She's younger, only 10, but I'm already facing so many options that are one or the other.  I, too, believe her mental health has to come first, but surely there is an option somewhere that will also let her succeed academically (and socially).

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I would bring her therapist into the decision.

 

I know my depression has always been worsened when I stay home a lot. School, work, and various outside commitments help keep me going when things get rough. And when the depression is bad, it would be very hard for me to find the motivation for school subjects or outside commitments, so I need those things to already be in place.

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Mental health obviously comes first, but I am not convinced that her mental health would be protected best at home. Sometimes for kids with depression and anxiety having a routine and interesting classes can help. The smaller school might just be the best option if she gets in. If it is down to the bigger school and homeschooling I think that would be a harder decision to make. I might keep her home in that position and work hard at finding her classes that she is interested in. If she is interested in digital media there are some great courses out there for that. I would probably let her explore them for a year along with her other academics and then enroll her in college classes at 16. 

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Mental health obviously comes first, but I am not convinced that her mental health would be protected best at home.

 

Getting out of the house for a structured program can definitely be good, however, you don't want to throw her into a situation she's not ready for. Is there a 1 or 2 day a week homeschool co-op tha twould work?  Maybe a volunteer job, an art class, joining club or team, something that has a 5 or 10 hour per week commitment might be better than throwing her into a huge school she is not ready for.

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All of the homeschool groups with teens are extremely conservative religiously and politically. We are not. Dd is atheist and I'm a very liberal Christian. I periodically check for secular group options, but where we live is so overwhelmingly conservative religious that there just aren't a lot of options for those of us who are not. It's frustrating. There are some secular activity options in the city an hour north of us, but dd says no to all social things right now.

 

I do think that the smaller school is the best option of the three because she'd have friends she sees daily. The high school students at the school start the year with a multi-day hiking trip. It's a bonding experience and it's one of the many things the school does to prevent cliques and bullying. It will be a long summer waiting to hear if she'll get a spot.

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...Right now I feel inclined to keep her at home unless/until a spot opens up at the small, friendly school....

 

What would you do?

 

 

Exactly that.

 

 

Also let her know that art and technology does need math.  Maybe math can be outsourced to something that has higher excitement lower nervousness rating.

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If she goes to the small friendly school can you then bring her home if things absolutely crater?  Given her excitement and the opportunities she will have, it sounds like it would be a good thing to try.  But I would talk to dh now about bringing her home if her mental health takes a big nosedive so that you are on board going into this.  

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  • 3 weeks later...

UPDATE:

 

She just got accepted into the small school! We did discuss plans with the therapist last month and reached the consensus that homeschooling was better than the concurrent enrollment school. We decided that we'd homeschool unless/until she got a spot at the small school.

 

Dd is very excited! So am I. And I'm so glad that we didn't end up having to wait all summer to find out.

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Congratulations! 

 

We've been down the depression/counseling/medication road, so my heart goes out to you and your daughter.  My 2nd dd never went to public school and basically unschooled while we took care of her mental health.  She has come a long way and now attends community college full time.  There is hope.  I wish the same success for your daughter.

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My dd21 was diagnosed with bipolar last Sept.  Mental illness takes time to heal.  She needs to know from both of you that if this smaller school doesn't work out of her, that it is ok!  Obviously, she needs support to make it work, but it's not the end of life if it doesn't work.  I have to sit and plan with my dd Plan A, B and C.  Plan C always involves Chocolate and Chatting with the therapist.  :)  She likes knowing that if something isn't working out, we won't hold it against her and that it is normal for life to not turn out how we think it will be.

 

There are only perfect endings in Disney movies.  Hugs for you Momma, watching our children hurt is just so frustrating for us Mommas.

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