DawnM Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I have a friend who has get togethers at her house periodically. She will invite people in front of people she isn't inviting. To me, that is rude enough. But to add insult to it, one women overheard and thought it was a general invite and assumed she was invited. That woman and her family showed up and the women hosting has had no end of gossiping about how "so and so" invited herself and how she acted this way or that way and she won't allow people to just up and invite themselves again. Maybe you shouldn't invite people to your selective get together in front of other people, that way you may not have to tell them they aren't invited in the first place. She has been doing this for years. I think it is incredibly rude. Dawn 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Yeah, it's rude. Have you said anything to her? When she's ranting about people "inviting themselves over" are you able to say something like, "no, they didn't invite themselves over. You invited me while they were with us, and it sounded like a general invitation. Do you know how often you do that..." I am not sure I could do it. I hope I could do it. My mother taught me to be very careful about that sort of thing. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Wow. That is beyond rude, and how cruel of her to gossip about the other family. Sounds like a piece of work... 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Wow. That is beyond rude, and how cruel of her to gossip about the other family. Sounds like a piece of work... :iagree: And you know she's surely saying nasty things about you behind your back. I'd be very wary of a "friend" like that. 29 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 I actually was NOT invited and was sitting there while she invited others. It was very awkward. I know she gossips about me. And then she talks about being salt and light for Jesus. It is maddening. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Why do you call this person a friend? Inviting people and/or discussing a get together in front of people who are not included is extremely rude. Gossiping about friends is also extremely rude. I would be wondering what this friend says about me when my back is turned. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 Why do you call this person a friend? Inviting people and/or discussing a get together in front of people who are not included is extremely rude. Gossiping about friends is also extremely rude. I would be wondering what this friend says about me when my back is turned. I use the term somewhat loosely I guess. She is in several homeschool groups we are in so I see her a lot. Close friend, no. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Why are you friends with this person? Is this the only flaw in an otherwise decent person? Or is she a gossiping bully... in which case, why go to her house at all? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I could get over the inviting in front of others part, but the part about her being a total douche about the other woman showing up is just lousy. Good grief. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I use the term somewhat loosely I guess. She is in several homeschool groups we are in so I see her a lot. Close friend, no. yeah, what do you call a person with whom you know better than as an acquaintance? Esp. now with the word "friend" means all sorts of things on Facebook. :001_rolleyes: But, to answer your OP...yes..it's incredibly rude. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I don't know why anyone formally invited or not would come to this person's parties. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Incredibly rude and I would call her out on it. She sounds like an awful person to be associated with and I'm sure others feel the same way if she is as bad as she sounds. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 :iagree: Oh, that is rude and it sounds like a set up for her future fun gossip sessions. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Yes, it is rude. Once* my DD had a girl she considered a friend over. They were doing some crafts and stuff. Another girl's (who my DD did tons of activites with, too) mom drove her DD to our house and the friend ran out to the car to talk. Those girls made plans to go to the movies and the friend came back into our house. She told DD she had to go bc she was going to the movies with her friends. And she said it such a way that she didn't consider my DD in that category of "friend." :crying: Hard lesson for my DD but she never invited that girl over again. *once is probably the wrong word...this girl came over often, especially in summer. She'd come over a few times a week during the summer. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 My go to comment when gossip is happening is, " I prefer to address issues I have with people with them not behind their backs. If you are unable to do that I will not be a part of this conversation." Then I either walk away or they change the subject. Life goes on either way. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 Incredibly rude and I would call her out on it. She sounds like an awful person to be associated with and I'm sure others feel the same way if she is as bad as she sounds. You would think so, but it doesn't seem like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Are you sitting in a middle school cafeteria? Does the environment transport this woman back to her glory days. It's a waste of time to call her on it. She's very unlikely see anything wrong and people who like being with her would probably be afraid to speak and if you spoke up would support her negative response to you. That response could last years for someone in this state of arrested development. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I'd call her on it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 You would think so, but it doesn't seem like it. Well then I wouldn't be associated with those other people either. I would prefer to sit in the corner by myself at events than be associated with people with low character and integrity. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Well then I wouldn't be associated with those other people either. I would prefer to sit in the corner by myself at events then be associated with people with low character and integrity. You won't be alone in the corner. I'd be there. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 This is a big reason I don't have many friends. I just encounter too much of this crap. I can't take it. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I use the term somewhat loosely I guess. She is in several homeschool groups we are in so I see her a lot. Close friend, no. There are some families who we cross paths with throughout the year at various homeschooling events and I make it a point to not get involved in their crazy. I am polite but aloof. Silently repeating the mantra "not my monkeys, not my circus." I can not stomach that kind of behavior. I doubt calling her out on it would not accomplish anything so I would move into self preservation and distance myself. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Are you sitting in a middle school cafeteria? Does the environment transport this woman back to her glory days. It's a waste of time to call her on it. She's very unlikely see nothing wrong and people who like being with her would probably be afraid to speak and if you spoke up would support her negative response to you. That response could last years for someone in this state of arrested development. See my experience has always been everyone else is waiting for someone else to speak up out of fear that they'll have no support. I will always be that one to speak up just like I had to be in middle school. If it really is a lost cause you only know after you speak up. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 yes - she's very rude. she also doesn't care - consider her malicious gossip. she'll never win a gracious hostess award. my question is - why do people go to her get-togethers? are they that desperate for social interaction? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Sounds like it might be time to find a new homeschool group unless you can find a subset of decent folks within your current group. Here's why: If she's acting like this and people still come to her parties, and nobody calls her out on her awful behavior, they are not stellar friends, either. And here's the worst part- they are raising the kids that your kids are interacting with when you're at the group events. So their own kids might be like the parents- mean and gossipy, or the kind not to stand up for other people when they are treated poorly. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Unbelievably, appallingly rude. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 What an awful bully. Why does anyone tolerate her? I would call her out too, but then again that's why I dislike most people. I seem to keep running into asshats like that woman. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I'm out of likes - how did that happen??? so . . . :iagree: And you know she's surely saying nasty things about you behind your back. I'd be very wary of a "friend" like that. like like like Why do you call this person a friend? Inviting people and/or discussing a get together in front of people who are not included is extremely rude. Gossiping about friends is also extremely rude. I would be wondering what this friend says about me when my back is turned. like like like Why are you friends with this person? Is this the only flaw in an otherwise decent person? Or is she a gossiping bully... in which case, why go to her house at all? like like like I don't know why anyone formally invited or not would come to this person's parties. like like like Are you sitting in a middle school cafeteria? Does the environment transport this woman back to her glory days.It's a waste of time to call her on it. She's very unlikely see anything wrong and people who like being with her would probably be afraid to speak and if you spoke up would support her negative response to you. That response could last years for someone in this state of arrested development. like like like . . . 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I think her overall behavior reveals bad character, and so, probably, everything from the initial invitations forward was done in a rude and exclusionary way. In your situation, it's rude. She is clearly malicious and unkind. However, I don't think it's *always* rude to invite people to small get-togethers without inviting everyone to everything. I think everyone is grown up enough to know that it's not a sin to have closer friends and more distant ones -- some who come over to dinner parties, and some who don't. I'm ok with invitations that can be overheard. It just doesn't strike me as something that needs to be conducted privately. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I think her overall behavior reveals bad character, and so, probably, everything from the initial invitations forward was done in a rude and exclusionary way. In your situation, it's rude. She is clearly malicious and unkind. However, I don't think it's *always* rude to invite people to small get-togethers without inviting everyone to everything. I think everyone is grown up enough to know that it's not a sin to have closer friends and more distant ones -- some who come over to dinner parties, and some who don't. I'm ok with invitations that can be overheard. It just doesn't strike me as something that needs to be conducted privately. I disagree. An exception I'd make is if a particular established group (like a club or sports team or board members/leaders of something) remind each other of meetings in front of non-members. If the He-Men Woman Haters Club President says in front of me, "hey, guys...don't forget our Thursday meeting this week!" I don't think it is rude bc I'm not a member. But if 2 moms and I are sitting at homeschool co-op eating lunch and a 4th mom approaches us and invites 2/3rds of us to coffee at her house, then that is rude. The inviter should find a private moment to do the inviting. 28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I would expect to hear this story in one of my high school classes, not from adults. I suppose it takes all types to make the world go around, but that wouldn't be a type I'd be hanging out with. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I think her overall behavior reveals bad character, and so, probably, everything from the initial invitations forward was done in a rude and exclusionary way. In your situation, it's rude. She is clearly malicious and unkind. However, I don't think it's *always* rude to invite people to small get-togethers without inviting everyone to everything. I think everyone is grown up enough to know that it's not a sin to have closer friends and more distant ones -- some who come over to dinner parties, and some who don't. I'm ok with invitations that can be overheard. It just doesn't strike me as something that needs to be conducted privately. If you are sitting in a circle of people and start planning something with one or 2 people in that group it is rude. You wait until the group splits up and pull the other 2 aside to discuss plans. Tit may still be overheard but it is clear that it's intended as a private affair and it doesn't put anyone in the awkward situation of being in the middle of a conversation you aren't invited in. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I actually was NOT invited and was sitting there while she invited others. It was very awkward. I know she gossips about me. And then she talks about being salt and light for Jesus. It is maddening. Well that's the opening right there. If she is claiming to be a Christian, I'd use that to very matter of factly deal with the problems at hand, for which a biblical reproof is absolutely applicable. Her comportment, speech, and actions aren't okay by a long shot for someone claiming the mantle of Christ. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 I don't know if others see it or not. They go to her parties and tell her how wonderful she is, so I assume that since they are part of the inner sanctum they think it is ok. I don't know...... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Extremely rude. Actually, I don't think ride is the right word. This isn't social cluelessness (the invite alone might have been, but the rest proves otherwise); it's a deliberate power trip. I'd like to think I'd call her out on it... in reality I'd probably roll my eyes, walk away, and come alongside the other woman as a friend. She needs support and kindness, and I'd sure prefer being her friend to hanging around with the other woman.Then I'd probably toss a few "in" jokes back and forth with my new friend in front of the bully while sidelong casting glances her way, because I'm petty and would totally stoop to her level even though I know I shouldn't. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 If you are sitting in a circle of people and start planning something with one or 2 people in that group it is rude. You wait until the group splits up and pull the other 2 aside to discuss plans. Tit may still be overheard but it is clear that it's intended as a private affair and it doesn't put anyone in the awkward situation of being in the middle of a conversation you aren't invited in.That's fair. I was imagining talking one-on-one, but in a chatty group environment, with easy overhearing -- not interrupting a full-group conversation in order to make plans. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikslo Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Could it be that the woman who showed up uninvited was really trying to call this lady out with regard to her rudeness? I suspect she knew she wasn't invited and went anyway. :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplejackmama Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Yes, it is rude. Once* my DD had a girl she considered a friend over. They were doing some crafts and stuff. Another girl's (who my DD did tons of activites with, too) mom drove her DD to our house and the friend ran out to the car to talk. Those girls made plans to go to the movies and the friend came back into our house. She told DD she had to go bc she was going to the movies with her friends. And she said it such a way that she didn't consider my DD in that category of "friend." :crying: Hard lesson for my DD but she never invited that girl over again. *once is probably the wrong word...this girl came over often, especially in summer. She'd come over a few times a week during the summer. Ok. What happened?? The other girl was coming over and the "craft" friend intercepted her in the driveway and the 2 of them went to the movies? Did I read that right?? That's awful!! Why did the other mom go along with this? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Very rude. I would look forward to her inviting me to something just so I could say no, I'm busy. :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Honestly I also agree that this is not rudeness, which I would say is being socially unaware or being uncaring when you have hurt someone's feelings. This is a junior high mentality of making one's self the queen bee. I would not buzz around her hive again. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cafdog Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Yep. Rude and clueless at best. Mean-girl drama at worst. Run away! Run away! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Ok. What happened?? The other girl was coming over and the "craft" friend intercepted her in the driveway and the 2 of them went to the movies? Did I read that right?? That's awful!! Why did the other mom go along with this? CraftFriend and DD were at our house crafting. I suspect OtherGirl had called CraftFriend's house and was told CraftFriend was at our house. So her mom drove her over, CraftFriend ran out to the car, made plans and came back in to tell DD about it. OtherGirl and her mom had driven away but were going to pick up CraftFriend at her house a little later. Why did the other mom go along with it? Because my DD didn't go to school with them because we homeschooled. She told me that on a different occasion...a Girl Scout outing where OtherGirl ran up to my DD and a couple other girls and addressed each of them by name: "Hey, Susie and CraftFriend, let's go look at XYZ!" And they all left my DD standing there alone. It happened too fast for me to say something to the girls so I said to the mom, "That really hurts DD when she is excluded like that." And the mom said, *oh that's because they all go to school together, so they naturally want to do stuff with each other.* I said something like...*but they go to church together and play soccer together and are in GS together.* The mom just shrugged. This was years ago but it still rankles. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I think her overall behavior reveals bad However, I don't think it's *always* rude to invite people to small get-togethers without inviting everyone to everything. . There is nothing wrong with small get togethers and having an inner circle within a group. To invite someone to your small get together while someone who is not invited is standing with you is rude. To discuss ad nauseum this small get together in front of people who are not invited is rude. To talk about people who showed up when they didn't realize it was an exclusive event is rude. Perhaps this woman is truly that socially inept that she does not realize she is being rude. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xixstar Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I'm giggling over the sticking on the term "friend" - honestly, sometimes it's just easier to use that term in general conversation than to be specific. For example, if I reference something someone on this board was talking about, I will set it up to my spouse or a friend that "a friend was asking about" or "a friend was talking about this program" when I don't really mean a personal friend -- it is just easier than " this person in my social circle" or "this random stranger on an online message board" -- the person isn't important, the content of the conversation is. :) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hkpiano Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Perhaps this woman is truly that socially inept that she does not realize she is being rude. I had (well, still have, we just live in different states now) a friend who would do stuff like discuss parties she was throwing in front of people who weren't invited. But she was very socially inept and everyone around her knew it. Either they avoided her because they couldn't handle it or they made allowances for her because they realized she was truly clueless and, despite the frequent faux pas, was actually a kind and generous person who really needed friends. She didn't gossip about others though. This sounds like a different situation entirely. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hkpiano Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 CraftFriend and DD were at our house crafting. I suspect OtherGirl had called CraftFriend's house and was told CraftFriend was at our house. So her mom drove her over, CraftFriend ran out to the car, made plans and came back in to tell DD about it. OtherGirl and her mom had driven away but were going to pick up CraftFriend at her house a little later. Why did the other mom go along with it? Because my DD didn't go to school with them because we homeschooled. She told me that on a different occasion...a Girl Scout outing where OtherGirl ran up to my DD and a couple other girls and addressed each of them by name: "Hey, Susie and CraftFriend, let's go look at XYZ!" And they all left my DD standing there alone. It happened too fast for me to say something to the girls so I said to the mom, "That really hurts DD when she is excluded like that." And the mom said, *oh that's because they all go to school together, so they naturally want to do stuff with each other.* I said something like...*but they go to church together and play soccer together and are in GS together.* The mom just shrugged. This was years ago but it still rankles. How hurtful. I experienced similar snubbing in church youth group in junior high and high school. I feel for your daughter! I hope she has found some kind friends since then! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 If there is anyone nice in her "inner circle," maybe that person could work up the courage to say something to her. OP, you said you were there when she asked someone else in front of you. Would that person be willing to have a private chat with this lady about her practice of inviting and excluding publicly? Or maybe the person who informed you of the hostess's nasty comments about the lady who "invited herself"? Or if you have enough rapport with her, perhaps you could take her aside the next time she invites someone in front of you. "I'm sure you don't mean it this way, but when you invite just some people in front of others, it could be misinterpreted as either inviting all those present, or snubbing those who are not invited." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 How hurtful. I experienced similar snubbing in church youth group in junior high and high school. I feel for your daughter! I hope she has found some kind friends since then! Thank you...and she has. She is very sweet and kind-hearted. When she moved up to a different GS troop, the leader told me she could always count on DD to go out of her way to include everyone. She'd put DD with the girls who tended to hang back or not join in bc she knew DD was so encouraging. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 It is rude. You could respond while hearing the invite to others...."I am sitting here and I can hear you".... Or immediately look to another mom also not invited and say, "since they are getting together, do you want to come to my place?". Goodness...I can't believe adult women still behave this badly. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowbeltmom Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 This is classic Queen Bee behavior. Unfortunately, the Queen Bee seems to always have a hive of drones who blindly go along with whatever theQueen Bee says. Confronting the Queen Bee is futile. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.