Talk me down before dh gets home - MIL issue

[momofkhm]

DD left yesterday for Germany for the semester.  Many ups and downs - she had scissors in her carry on - small enough to go but they had to measure them; the airline lost one of her bags.  She is checked into her room.  The list dd got said linens included.  She has no sheets or towels.  She does have a pillow, a comforter, dishes and pots.

 

I know it's MIL family who lives there.  But I really REALLY resent her calling me to tell me how dd is.  I'm the mom.  I should be giving out information.  Receiving only from dd herself, dh or maybe the boyfriend.  But MIL should be getting her info from me, not the other way around.  

 

If I can't get over this, it's going to be a long 6 months.  I'm feeling petty.  Maybe it's a first day thing.  She didn't even leave 24 hours ago.  Is it petty?

 

Be gentle!

[Jean in Newcastle]

What?  I would be so happy that she thoughtfully let me know how my daughter was when I couldn't be there.  

[Scarlett]

Aww Momma. (((Hugs)))

 

She is your daughter and who relays the info doesn't change that. Please resist the urge to give it more weight than necessary. I do feel for ya though.

[prairiewindmomma]

Gently, it feels a wee bit petty. If dd is old enough to go to Germany on her own, she is old enough to handle her own affairs.  You can't control her, or knowledge about her life. If MIL's family happens to know, great.

[regentrude]

I don't understand: you are mad that your MIL let you know DD arrived safe and sound??? Why?

Or are you mad at your DD that she did not call?

 

I'd be grateful to whoever lets me know my kids is OK

 

 

 

[MFG]

Has your daughter been in contact with MIL's family? It seems natural that they would pass info along to their close relative. Can you contact dd directly, maybe email?

[Chris in VA]

I'm not sure I remember much about the situation.

I kinda know what you mean, I think--I was so used to being the "mom" that when I got info from someone else wrt ds, it sorta made me feel displaced.

But, I'd say, gently, get over it. No one is trying to usurp your role. You are still needed. You just also need to let go a bit.

Sorry if that's ouchy. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

MIL has a legitimate role as the grandmother.  

[crazyforlatin]

It was a very kind and thoughtful call to let you know your DD is alright. She must have thought you were worried like any parent would be and wanted to make sure you knew your DD arrived safely. Not everyone even a MIL may care enough to call a DIL, but it sounds like your MIL did it with the best intentions.

[NorthwestMom]

Yes, you are being petty. I am sure this is an emotional time for you, having your DD so far away. Now you can see where YOUR emotional growth needs to happen.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Mandylubug]

:grouphug: i can imagine the hurt

[bettyandbob]

Hmmm

 

Your dd is 20. She got to her destination with some ordinary hassles on the way. Probably didn't think they were enough to call mom about because she's an adult and she wants to resolve any issues she can on her own and the things that don't need to resolved don't in your dd's mind rise to the level of "gotta tell mom".

 

By the time I was 20, I had traveled and studied in Germany and there was quite a bit of little and big hassles I resolved or lived with without ever informing my parents. I suppose if my grandma had been right there at my destination she probably would have learned some of my hassles, simply because I would have visited and chatted in an ordinary manner about my experiences.

 

MIL is grandma. She is probably thrilled her granddaughter is going to be close by for a short time. She probably thought you'd want to know how dd is doing. So, she told you all she learned about the trip from your home to Germany.

 

I am not sure what the issue with MIL is. Perhaps there's some history that makes you upset and read more than you need into the facts you've stated. Nothing in your OP suggests grandma overstepped.

[hornblower]

Well Trainer Runner - Go for a run :)

Cry a bit. Run more.

Be glad there are people there who love her & are looking out for her & care enough to imagine that you're worrying & that 20 yo's are sometime self centered & might not be reporting everything...

Breathe.

[Elisabet1]

Tell your daughter how you feel so she comes to you first next time.

[Melinda in VT]

:grouphug:

 

Yes, it's petty, but I kind of get it.

 

In my case, my oldest son is a freshman at a university clear across the country from me--and an hour away from my ILs.

 

They see him about once a month, and it's not at all uncommon for me to hear things from them that I didn't know. It bothers me sometimes, but then I shake myself and remind me that it's not unrealistic for him to see them and not share details of his life with them.

 

[katilac]

It's understandable but you need to get over it. Your dd is going to naturally see and talk to family that is there, and they are naturally going to pass the update on to your m-i-l, because they know her better. Heck, your dd might even call other family in the US at times that she doesn't call you. 

 

She's an adult. Cry privately, thank everyone for updates publically. 

[bolt.]

I think "petty" is the wrong word.

 

I think you are having a real and valid emotional response to the entire situation -- which, while maybe you didn't expect it, is totally normal when your children are suddenly very far from the nest.

 

I don't think your MIL overstepped (unless you have more context about this), but I totally get why you would have a giant water balloon of mixed feelings hit you while listening to your MIL tell you all about your own daughter and the hiccups of her international transition. I get why 'displaced' was one of those feelings.

 

Your MIL did not displace you or usurp your role. She's just being hospitable towards a newly-local granddaughter, and being helpfully informative towards you.

 

There are a lot of things about this that may (or may not) hit you hard... But try to remember that just because you felt something during a conversation doesn't mean that the feeling is between you and who you are talking to. It's just an intense reaction to the whole situation. Don't attach extra significance to the person whose words touched off your feelings. Your feelings are real, and appropreate, and proportional, and YOURS. (Which is absolutely as they should be.)

[Denise in Florida]

I would not be upset.  But I acknowledge that you feel what you feel. :)

 

Do you believe she meant to upset you? because that would be a whole 'nother matter.  I would not assume evil intent. 

 

(((hugs)))

 

[Seasider]

I think it depends on the MIL! OP, I have a MIL that would love to be the one "in the know," while I am out of the loop, so if your position is similar, I understand the twinge.

 

However, I encourage you to sing like Elsa on this. Your dd is an adult, and though you miss her terribly, her relationships with grandparents are her own to manage now. 

 

If necessary, you could let MIL's calls go to voice mail until your emotions are steadier.  :grouphug:

 

[Seasider]

Oh, and for the record, I want to be the kind of gramma that gently says, "Why don't you give your mom a call, dear, she'll be so relieved to hear you made it safely."

[FeFe]

It's petty but I completely get it. She's your baby girl! Try to look at the positive. She has family nearby and other people care for her. That is great! But, yeah, I get your reaction. I'd probably be the same way.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: I get where you're coming from... :crying: She's your kiddo, and some mil's have a way of getting on your last nerve -even if they are doing the right thing.  I wouldn't like it, but try to move past it.  (No one likes to hear 2nd hand bad or difficult news about their kid, especially when you can't get to them asap and fix.)

[Forget-Me-Not]

What? I would be so happy that she thoughtfully let me know how my daughter was when I couldn't be there.

This. And that she has family close by while she's overseas. But I get along with my MIL and I'm guessing there may be more to the story here.

[TrulySusan]

When I was 21, I moved from Alabama to NYC.  I didn't call my parents for days (and they were worried to death/pre cell  phones and email).  I was so incredibly homesick that the only way I knew to not fall apart was to not talk to my mother.  It wasn't that I didn't care...I cared too much.  At 21, I never considered how they might be feeling.   Maybe she misses you too much to call just yet. :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  

 

eta:  I wasn't sitting around NYC crying or anything.  Everything was fine as long as I could keep my mind off missing my parents.  And this was after living on campus my entire college career.

[Danestress]

I do understand - it's so hard to transition through those early adult years.

 

However, I understood nothing about that when I was her age. I would have resented my Mom believing she had any 'rights' to get information first. I had back packed by myself through China for weeks at her age, and pretty much told my mother what I wanted. We were and are close, but I didn't really understand how periods of less communication might feel to a mother.

 

I don't think this is a MIL issue (this particular thing - I am sure there is more to it). She did what anyone would do. This is a daughter issue, but I don't think you can address it easily. I would just be very happy when she does call. "I am so good to hear your voice. You made my day!"

[zoobie]

Depends on the MIL. She may just annoy you by breathing. ;) Or was she calling and lording the information over you? That would tweak me.

 

More than likely you're stressed and emotional and wanted to hear from your girl, which is perfectly understandable.

[Liz CA]

So your MIL's family - not MIL herself - is living in Germany where your dd is and they called MIL to give an update? Perhaps they did so because they know her, she is their immediate relative? Have they ever met you? Do they speak English or are they conversing with MIL in German?

 

Focus on the good stuff: You know she is there, safely. I don't know what accommodations this is but I am sure she will have everything she needs soon. There are always some glitches in the beginning of everything.

 

[Guest submarines]

Tell your daughter how you feel so she comes to you first next time.

 

This sounds like emotional manipulation and projecting one's issues onto the child (even if that child is an adult).

 

[SKL]

How did MIL find out about the issues first?  Was it in the context of an SOS call from DD, or a quick call that wandered into details ("I'm here" "how was your trip" "how is your room"), or did MIL pick her up at the airport, or ...?

 

Could DD have been thinking it would save money if she didn't call you to tell you every detail of her trip?

 

Maybe she wants to get everything in order and then call you to tell you all is in order?

 

It's hard to let go.  I'm guessing nobody thought you'd be sensitive about this.

[momofkhm]

It is hormonal.  I'm sure.  Thanks for the kind words.

 

DD did call me.  In fact she called me first.  She called me instead of dad (yes we are married, together) but he was at work and she called the home number.  And he's the one who said to call.

 

MIL tends to lord it over.  At least that's what I heard in her voice.  Esp when I told her the problem she was telling me about was already solved.  It sort of took the wind out of her sails. 

 

I think it bothers me too b/c she is having so many problems and I'm not there to even help her.  She is so not a hugger but when she has issues like this, she lets me hold her.  And I know she'd be letting me hold her.  It will all be better tomorrow when she gets a night's sleep.  When she gets her second bag.  When she signs into the program she's there for - language academy for a month.  When she finds someone to help her find sheets and towels.  And food!

 

Oh.  MIL lives 2 miles from me.  It's a cousin who lives in Germany that she was relaying info from.  And yes, cousin is calling MIL b/c they are prob speaking German.  I've met this cousin, but the last time any of us saw her was 25ish years ago.

 

And I did talk to dd again.  Facetime is a wonderful thing.  Boy did she look tired.  

[momacacia]

Will dd call you regularly with reports or issues? If so, it's not like you even have to take future calls from MIL passing along the grapevine info. Let her call your DH and she can chat with him and then leave the line free for dd to call you. :) Nothing says you have to pick up the phone when you see MIL's number. Let her leave a voicemail update and say "oh I so appreciated those updates" once dd is home and it's no longer an emotional issue for you. Good fences make good German family members---ask me how I know. ;)

[Peaceful Isle]

Sounds like you miss your dd. Big Hugs to you! Glad she got there safe and sound. :)

[elinnea]

It doesn't sound like a big deal to me and I have a German MIL that I can't stand, BUT your feelings are valid to you and that's all that matters.   :grouphug:

[kroe1]

Petty. But, you might want to ask DD to tell you something only she would know so you get to tell DMIL something, too. It is the nice thing for DD to do. I am sure she would understand.

 

p.s. I would feel the same way as you, even though I would still know it is petty. My own father loves to tell me about my own grandkids all the time. It drives me crazy.

[Hikin' Mama]

Cheryl, I don't think you're being petty. I think you're a mama who is adjusting to having her daughter half way around the world. And given what you said about your mil, I would be a little ticked, too. I think this whole parenting young adults thing is as much a growing process for us as it is for them. :)