Thanksgiving dinner -- etiquette question

[mlktwins]

My BIL and his wife have been hosting Thanksgiving at their house the past few years. We do Christmas at my house.

 

My BIL sent out the menu and what he would like each of us to bring. I am bringing Honey Baked ham, a veggie dish, and rolls of some kind. I noticed he left off potatoes of any kind. I asked if he would like me to bring potatoes in lieu of another veggie (he is providing carrots (that no one likes -- LOL -- and SIL is bringing green bean casserole).

 

Anyway, he replied back that potatoes were deliberately left of the list because he is on a low carb diet. He is the only one on the diet and everyone else LOVES potatoes. In addition to my ham, we are having the traditional turkey, stuffing, gravy meal.

 

I guess my question is, what is the etiquette for this? Do I not bring potatoes since HE is low carbing and it is his house? It's not like he didn't wolf down the potatoes I made in August when we hosted a dinner for my in-laws 66th wedding anniversary.

 

When we host at Christmas, I try to provide food that everyone likes even though I might not partake of something.

 

I'm just curious and thought I'd ask. I am going to ask my in-laws if they want potatoes. If they do, I'm bringing them regardless because who knows how many more Thanksgivings they will have (they are 87).

[Pawz4me]

My initial thought is that his explanation doesn't really make sense.  Rolls aren't low carb and he's got them on the menu.  And carrots aren't exactly low carb, either.  So why not include potatoes?  Unless he has more trouble ignoring the potatoes than rolls or carrots?  I think it's a very selfish approach to a traditional holiday meal.  So . . . I'd probably bring them.

[mlktwins]

His menu includes stuffing, pumpkin pie, lemon chess pie and pumpkin dump cake (of which he will be eating). It is just the potatoes -- LOL. My veggie dish is going to be corn casserole (which has corn and corn bread mix in it). My in-laws just showed up to visit with my boys and they want potatoes -- LOL.

 

He has lost a lot of weight with a low carb diet. He has added back in pie because he says that doesn't make him gain weight. I guess potatoes make him gain. If I was low carb and dinner was at my house, I will still include potatoes for the 9 other people that eat potatoes.

[nwmama]

I'd take the potatoes and then if it comes up nicely explain that everyone else asked for potatoes.

[Ellie]

I don't think this is really an etiquette question. :-)

 

Don't bring potatoes. Let him take the heat from those who wanted them. 

 

I think he's being silly. Even if everyone else brought potatoes, no one is going to force him to eat them, for crying out loud. But still, his house, his rules.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think he is being self centered.  This is a dinner for all of you, not just him.  I'd bring potatoes and maybe as a show of thoughtfulness make him a low carb mashed cauli dish or something.

 

 

[lynn]

Have you known him for a while.  Can you bring potato something for others without offending him or is he very serious about "no potatoes!" because it's something he really likes and does not want the temptation?

[Cinder]

Must. Have. Potatooooooooooooes! Lol'd at the -pie doesn't make me gain weight- comment. :laugh:

 

Sounds like the whole rest of the meal is pretty much just carbs except for the meats--corn, stuffing, pie. Maybe steam some broccoli or saute asparagus for him? But, yeah, I'd still bring the potatoes.

[poppy]

He is the host, be gracious. It's just potatoes. You can have potatoes every other day.

 

And make him bring something stupid to Christmas-,it is the sibling way.

[SparklyUnicorn]

He is the host, be gracious. It's just potatoes. You can have potatoes every other day.

 

And make him bring something stupid to Christmas-,it is the sibling way.

 

Um, as the host he should be the gracious one.  If I host people I want to try to make them happy.  This is a big deal to some people.  Potatoes are a big deal!!!  LOL  But yes seriously, why will it kill him to have someone bring potatoes?!  He doesn't have to eat them.

[marbel]

Is this your husband's brother?    Does your husband want potatoes?  If so he can talk to his brother about it.

 

But in any case this is not your problem at all.   I wouldn't go asking the in-laws either.  He is the host, and if they are mad about no potatoes, they can be mad at him.  

 

It seems goofy to me since there are so many other high carb foods on the table. 

 

If it were my extended family and I knew my husband and/or kids would miss the potatoes, I'd make them the day before or after just for us.   And/or invite the  potato-loving in-laws over too.   I like potatoes too but it's just one meal.

[LucyStoner]

It's a cooperative meal. That means he doesn't have full control over the food. He's not cooking or paying for all of it.

 

If the entire menu was low carb or the potatoes were an allergy for him I'd respect his wishes but when you are having both cake and pie, uh, I'd just take the potatoes.

 

Potatoes and gravy are a holiday food.

[AimeeM]

His menu sounds plenty carb heavy - why the "no potatoes"? Odd.

[bolt.]

I'd reply,

 

"Oh, that makes sense. Potatoes are a problem for lots of people who are loosing weight on a low carb diet. So, I'm thinking I'll just bring along some potatoes for the rest of us -- but I won't forget what you asked me for!"

[Word Nerd]

It's a cooperative meal. That means he doesn't have full control over the food. He's not cooking or paying for all of it.

 

If the entire menu was low carb or the potatoes were an allergy for him I'd respect his wishes but when you are having both cake and pie, uh, I'd just take the potatoes.

 

Potatoes and gravy are a holiday food.

 

:iagree: I think etiquette for a group-provided meal with family is different than it would be if you were going to dinner at a friend's house. We aren't that formal at our family get-togethers. If one of my family members said that, I'd bring some anyway and remind the person that he/she doesn't need to eat any.

[mlktwins]

I really want to ask him why no potatoes when he is having all the other stuff, but I'm afraid that would really offend him :-).

 

It is my DH's brother and it is probably better coming from me -- LOL. It is the same 10 people for all holidays. We see him a few times a year -- they are not the most social people. My DH does like potatoes, but for him, it would be whatever his parents want. He adores them (so I do) and we want to spend every holiday we have left with them to the fullest. They are very traditional and love the traditional turkey dinner. If she were still able, my MIL would want to host the dinner. It was very hard for her to give that up (even when we all brought food and cleaned up), but she just can't physically do it anymore.

 

I think I will bring potatoes, but will defer the corn casserole to Christmas (they will not be in town for that holiday) and bring steamed broccoli and asparagus instead.

[EmilyGF]

If you hadn't asked him, then I would have said go ahead and bring them. Most people consider them veggie.

 

Having asked him, it'd be pretty rude. 

 

Serve lotsa potatoes at Christmas and indulge in stuffing at Thanksgiving.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I would take the potatoes. Of course, potatoes are literally the foundation of my personal Thanksgiving meal. Ever since I was a little girl, every year I have made a big mountain of potatoes on my plate, sprinkled on some turkey, and covered it with gravy. Divine. Also, I despise most stuffing. LOL

 

Because you asked, I would chat again in advance about family members who want and expect potatoes. Also, deliberately leaving them off the list isn't necessarily outlawing them, really. He was just not going to mention them maybe?

 

His pie logic confounds reason.

[AmandaVT]

love the pie logic. Can you sneak in some potatoes in your purse or something for your immediate family?  :laugh:

[Laurie4b]

If you wanted to be extra specially nice, you could do some mashed cauliflower for him in lieu of potatoes, and bring mashed potatoes for everyone else.

[Cinder]

MASHED POTATOE PIE recipe

 

lol. But does it count as Pie if it doesn't have any crust? I think it's the crust that keeps the calories from sticking.  :lol:

[OhanaBee]

This sounds like the asparagus casserole incident at my parent's Thanksgiving a few years ago.  Mom didn't want the casserole served, due to it's being full of fat and other yummy things.  She is a very healthy eater and expects the rest of us to be the same.  And if it had been just a regular family dinner, I would have honored that request.  But I had spoken with my brother and cousins and we all agreed that it wasn't Thanksgiving without the asparagus casserole.  It's been a tradition to have that at Thanksgiving and Christmas for as long as I can remember.

 

So I went ahead and made it.  When Mom got huffy I reminded her that no one would force anyone to eat it, but it had been requested by the majority of the participants in the meal and by gum - we were going to have this stupid casserole on the buffet table with everything else!

 

My vote is to bring the mashed potatoes if the older members of the family want them.  They're easy to eat and easy to digest - which may be a really good reason to have them on the table for the 80 year olds in the family!

[Ellie]

I've rethought it.

 

Bring potatoes. Look him in the eyeball and tell him it's up to him to be a grown up and not to eat them if they're a problem for him, for crying out loud.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Anybody who plans on serving rolls and several kinds of cake and pie cannot ban potatoes because of carb concerns. Just no.

 

If he were really hosting a wheatgrass and beef Thanksgiving Dinner for low-carb health nuts he could say so on the invitation, but he can't just discriminate against potatoes. If carbs are allowed, potatoes are allowed.

 

You could wrap them up in a camo crockpot cover and label them "turnips with soy butter" if it would help him not be tempted. Word would get around to the others pretty quick as to where to find the potatoes.

[bettyandbob]

You asked. He said no potatoes. It is his house. Don't bring them. Let the rest of the family chatter about potatoes being missing during the meal. You can join the chatter and say "brother said not to bring them" or you can keep quiet and let people joke about brother's "mistake" in the menu.

 

If you hadn't asked, I think you could have brought them, but since you asked, you shouldn't. You can make some, bring home leftover gravy and let your family eat potatoes after you come home.

 

At Christmas, at your house, he cannot tell you what to serve.

[marbel]

So... I get that this is a family holiday dinner and that there are traditional dishes that people like.   But does that really make it OK to tell the host that he has to take whatever food the others want to bring?   Are all you saying "take potatoes" OK with people bringing whatever the heck they want to the next dinner you host?   Especially when in a month another big holiday dinner comes along with a different host? 

 

Not trying to be argumentative, just confused. 

 

BTW I like potatoes.  :D   And I can't imagine telling people "no potatoes" at Thanksgiving.   But I also can't imagine taking food to someone's home after they specifically said not to.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

So... I get that this is a family holiday dinner and that there are traditional dishes that people like.   But does that really make it OK to tell the host that he has to take whatever food the others want to bring?   Are all you saying "take potatoes" OK with people bringing whatever the heck they want to the next dinner you host?   Especially when in a month another big holiday dinner comes along with a different host? 

 

Not trying to be argumentative, just confused. 

 

BTW I like potatoes.  :D   And I can't imagine telling people "no potatoes" at Thanksgiving.   But I also can't imagine taking food to someone's home after they specifically said not to.

 

Yes, to a family potluck (with the exception of a food that can cause life-threatening allergic response in any of the guests), I suck it up and let them bring items that are not strictly on my dream menu but would be enjoyed by the bringer and by other guests. Potluck. That's what that means.

[happi duck]

I would put your in laws at the top of the priority list and bring potatoes without any fanfare.

 

If asked..."oh, mom and dad wanted them" and move on.

[Joanne]

It would be difficult for me, because his logic, weight loss information and science are bad.

 

But I would honor the "no potatoes" since that was specifically established.

[OhanaBee]

So... I get that this is a family holiday dinner and that there are traditional dishes that people like.   But does that really make it OK to tell the host that he has to take whatever food the others want to bring?   Are all you saying "take potatoes" OK with people bringing whatever the heck they want to the next dinner you host?   Especially when in a month another big holiday dinner comes along with a different host? 

 

Not trying to be argumentative, just confused. 

 

BTW I like potatoes.  :D   And I can't imagine telling people "no potatoes" at Thanksgiving.   But I also can't imagine taking food to someone's home after they specifically said not to.

 

I'm sure others have different experiences with family dinners.  However, I can just go by my experience with my family so.....yes, I'm saying take the potatoes anyway.

 

Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners in my family have very specific foods attached to them.  When dh and I got married I discovered *his* family also had very specific foods.  Hence, the reason we have tamales at Christmas along with my family's roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

 

I agree that potluck means potLUCK. 

[Plink]

Anybody who plans on serving rolls and several kinds of cake and pie cannot ban potatoes because of carb concerns. Just no.

 

His logic is insane.  I don't think I'd bring the potatoes simply because potatoes (37g.) aren't worth that much drama, BUT I'd reserve the right to feel silently indignant about it if I happened to notice him scarfing down stuffing (44g.).  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

His logic is insane. I don't think I'd bring the potatoes simply because potatoes (37g.) aren't worth that much drama, BUT I'd reserve the right to feel silently indignant about it if I happened to notice him scarfing down stuffing (44g.).

LOL

[nevergiveup]

Maybe he doesn't like your potatoes.......

[SparklyUnicorn]

Thanksgiving is not Thanksgiving without potatoes.  No matter how hardcore low carb I have ever been, I have potatoes on Thanksgiving.  And I actually generally eat low carb.  It's one damn day.  He also does not have to eat them.

 

How much you want to bet that by next year he'll be off his low carb kick?  Then you'll have suffered no potatoes for nothing.  Maybe next year it'll be no turkey...and they'll pull out one of those insane tofurkey things.  Where does the insanity end?!

 

LOL 

[happi duck]

I like tofurkey...

[SparklyUnicorn]

I like tofurkey...

 

Well apparently enough people do because they keep making them. 

[happi duck]

Well apparently enough people do because they keep making them.

Nope. I'm pretty sure it's just me and dd. ;)

[SparklyUnicorn]

Nope. I'm pretty sure it's just me and dd. ;)

 

LOL

 

I admit I've never tried one.  It would have to be on a day other than Thanksgiving for sure.  

 

The concept scares me though.  I've never tried any fake meat product.  I've been told that several taste kinda rubbery.  Since I love meat I can't fathom wanting to eat fake meat.

[trulycrabby]

I would be tempted to bring three different types of potatoes just to see what colour his face would turn, but would probably bring mashed cauliflower instead.

 

Or, instead of potatoes, I would bring this lovely Portuguese dish called "Batatas." ;)

[Mrs Mungo]

I would talk to him about it and explain that potatoes are an important part of the meal for your family. I agree that he's the host, but I also agree that it is a cooperative meal. If he and his wife were doing everything, then I would tell you to leave it alone. But, in a meal where everyone is pitching in? I'd have a hard time leaving it alone. And I agree that there are a lot of other carbs already involved, so I don't really get the point (except that I promise my potatoes have a ton more calories in them than my dressing does, lol). I would NEVER show up with a dish that the host was firm on saying no to. I would rather wheedle a yes out of them first, even if it irritates them, lol.

[Tammi K]

This sounds like the asparagus casserole incident at my parent's Thanksgiving a few years ago.  Mom didn't want the casserole served, due to it's being full of fat and other yummy things.  She is a very healthy eater and expects the rest of us to be the same.  And if it had been just a regular family dinner, I would have honored that request.  But I had spoken with my brother and cousins and we all agreed that it wasn't Thanksgiving without the asparagus casserole.  It's been a tradition to have that at Thanksgiving and Christmas for as long as I can remember.

 

So I went ahead and made it.  When Mom got huffy I reminded her that no one would force anyone to eat it, but it had been requested by the majority of the participants in the meal and by gum - we were going to have this stupid casserole on the buffet table with everything else!

 

My vote is to bring the mashed potatoes if the older members of the family want them.  They're easy to eat and easy to digest - which may be a really good reason to have them on the table for the 80 year olds in the family!

Seriously??? :huh:

 

 

You CAN NOT post this and then not supply a recipe!  (I LOVE asparagus!)

[mlktwins]

Maybe he doesn't like your potatoes.......

He usually has 2nd and sometimes 3rd helpings LOL

[SparklyUnicorn]

Seriously??? :huh:

 

 

You CAN NOT post this and then not supply a recipe!  (I LOVE asparagus!)

 

Right?!  I love asparagus too.

[Word Nerd]

I like the idea of bringing mashed cauliflower for him and mashed potatoes for everyone who isn't on a no-potato, low-carb-except-for-all-the-other-carbs diet.

[hornblower]

It's stuff like this that just makes me wonder why everyone doesn't just go to a restaurant. Or just stay home eating the food they like, with a book or their favourite tv show.

Too much hassle for everyone.

 

p.s. i'm vegan & i don't like most of the fake meats because they taste TOO MUCH like meat lol. @sparklyunicorn - Try the Gardein chicken scallopini. I served this stuff when it was my turn to host christmas dinner a couple years ago. Nobody clued in they were eating a vegan meal.  I had to tell them afterwards....

[JoJosMom]

Thanksgiving is not Thanksgiving without potatoes.  No matter how hardcore low carb I have ever been, I have potatoes on Thanksgiving.  And I actually generally eat low carb.  It's one damn day.  He also does not have to eat them.

 

How much you want to bet that by next year he'll be off his low carb kick?  Then you'll have suffered no potatoes for nothing.  Maybe next year it'll be no turkey...and they'll pull out one of those insane tofurkey things.  Where does the insanity end?!

 

LOL 

 

Exactly. Those of us who must suffer the depravations of low carb most of the year should never EVER be deprived of mashed potatoes and gravy at Thanksgiving. It's a Rule of the Universe. And if a Rule of the Universe is broken, the rule breaker should expect coal in his stocking come Christmas.

[Elisabet1]

Bring the Potatoes. He sounds like a real jerk. Bring double potatoes in fact.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Bring the Potatoes. He sounds like a real jerk. Bring double potatoes in fact.

 

I don't think he sounds like a jerk, and I wouldn't want to stick it to him or make him pay even though I would be sidling in thru the garage door with my camo crockpot full of taters for everyone else. No need to make him the bad guy. He's just "Troubled Dieter Who Fears Potatoes" guy.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I would respect the host because if I expect to be respected I have to show that same respect, KWIM? I like Mrs. Mungo's suggestion of talking about it again and trying to explain how important to his parents it will be.

[LucyStoner]

So... I get that this is a family holiday dinner and that there are traditional dishes that people like. But does that really make it OK to tell the host that he has to take whatever food the others want to bring? Are all you saying "take potatoes" OK with people bringing whatever the heck they want to the next dinner you host? Especially when in a month another big holiday dinner comes along with a different host?

 

Not trying to be argumentative, just confused.

 

BTW I like potatoes. :D And I can't imagine telling people "no potatoes" at Thanksgiving. But I also can't imagine taking food to someone's home after they specifically said not to.

A traditionally cooperative family meal isn't the same as a dinner party. The wishes of all of the family need to be considered, especially the most senior generation.

 

If the host had gone vegetarian instead of eschewing potatoes, it wouldn't be polite of him to say "no turkey", would it?

 

We have a friend with whom we typically celebrate Thanksgiving, going on 11 years. I love this couple and I hope that neither is reading this post. The husband, who is their family's primary cook, has a recipe for a side dish that I despise. I don't tell him he can't bring his favorites even when it is at my house just because I don't understand why they like it cooked that way. I may be a "host" but not in the same way as I am when I am having a few couples over for a meal I prepared from start to finish. I thank him for bringing it and make sure that when I am packing leftovers, it all goes back to them!

 

The OP is bringing an entire ham. Contributors of a main entree to a meal have the right to bring what they want, triply so when that is a traditional holiday meal that is shared by extended family who are all used to certain standard fare.