s/o I wish my parents had encouraged me more to

[LifeLovePassion]

Inspired by the other thread and recent conversations with DH, both of us wish we had been pushed more towards personal fitness. Neither one of us was into sports all that much, but could have been encouraged to do something personal like biking, rollerblading or jogging. Or do sports on a recreational level. 

[I talk to the trees]

ITA about the personal fitness. I took up jogging at 40, love it, lost 40 lbs, and have never felt better in my life! But my mother's attitude toward fitness has always been that it is pure torture, and that weight loss and health can only be achieved through extreme dieting. She has been overweight/obese pretty much her whole life, but sheesh! She's a nurse! She should know better!

[Seasider]

...explore a wide range of vocational opportunities and college choices. They were hands-off, instructed by school counselors that I could make my own choices and believing they were respecting my independence. I could have used more guidance.

 

Not blaming them, though; I could have been more resourceful myself, probably. I saw all the majors listed in college handbooks (wow, remember when all that was in hard copy? I loved those!), but really had no clue of the wide spectrum of career options and specialized study that fell under each broad group.

[SKL]

... be open to different backgrounds.  When I went to grad school I had been exposed to so little, and my mom always had a judgmental attitude about everyone who was different.  In early adulthood, I am sure I missed opportunities because of assumptions I learned at home.  Looking back now as an old lady, I suspect my mom didn't even mean to put black and white ideas in my head - i.e., she probably didn't mean to be taken literally.  I suspect part of that is the bit of aspie I inherited from my dad.  But anyhoo - I try to be careful not to make sweeping statements etc. even in jest as my kids are growing up.

[Guest]

I wish that my parents had encouraged me to live a full and well rounded life instead of basing my entire identity on what I or my partner does to get a paycheck.

 

It took me a long time to realize this (I'm almost 50) but the reason my parents ridiculed and discouraged my interests in the performing arts and writing for publication was never because they really thought I was as absurdly talentless as they said I was, but because they were afraid I would succeed and they considered artists and writers to be "nothing but a bunch of irresponsible drug addicts who are too lazy to work real jobs".

 

I have a bad habit of trying to turn hobbies into lucrative sources of income, failing, and then burning out so bad that I can no longer enjoy the hobby and am too ashamed to maintain the friendships that came about from common interest in the hobby.

 

Horatio Alger wrote fiction.

[AimeeM]

... to finish school, to give a lick about my education. While they made themselves available to help with homework, it was never offered (I would have to ask a few times). College was never really discussed. When I decided I wanted to drop out and get my GED, they never said anything negative about it, and it was allowed. I wish they would have recognized a rebellious teenage spirit in desperate need of SOME guidance. 

[MEmama]

...to have self confidence, instead of making me question myself all the time.

[Gentlemommy]

Relax. Both parents were hard working, and usually worked two jobs. My mom was very involved with our extracurricular activities. I have a hard time just relaxing and letting things go.

[wintermom]

Oh please. Let's not pile on our parents. We all know how hard parenting is. Let's spend our time and focus on trying to be good parents now.

[MEmama]

I don't think that recognizing the areas in which our parents could have been more caring/less harmful/more sensitive/more intentional etc is "piling on" them. My parents played a huge role in causing me a lot of distress, which is clear to me now as a parent myself. That's self awareness, not placing blame.

[Night Elf]

I wish my mom had talked to me more about saving money. I was in debt by the age of 20 that I couldn't pay off with the job and expenses I had. I wasn't taught money sense at all.

[oneddmanybooks]

Wow, that is not how I understand this thread at all. I think it IS about focusing on being good parents.

Oh please. Let's not pile on our parents. We all know how hard parenting is. Let's spend our time and focus on trying to be good parents now.

 

[Seasider]

Oh please. Let's not pile on our parents. We all know how hard parenting is. Let's spend our time and focus on trying to be good parents now.

 

Oh, if I wanted to lay blame on my folks for stuff, there's a different list for that! But really, I agree with you and do not dwell on their mistakes.Heaven knows my kids could make a long list of mistakes I've made with them.

 

However, as I raise kids of my own, and find them at key points in their lives where I felt I had not been fully informed (by my own parents, teachers, counselors, advisors, friends, friend's parents, etc), I want to strive to help them transit these points with as much information and open mindedness as possible. I find it helpful for others here to share areas in which I may be too rigid or not fully informed myself to realize that I may need to reconsider some of my own methods and/or opinions. 

[JustEm]

Its funny I couldn't answer the other thread and am having a hard time answering this thread as well. I feel like my parents did an absolutely wonderful job raising me and teaching me own who I am and the decisions I make. I wouldn't be the person I am now if my parents had done anything differently and the person I am is pretty awesome.

 

Not saying anyone answering these threads isnt. its just that every aspect of my past has made me who I am and I don't feel like I am lacking in anything or have any regrets. Of course it wasn't all perfect but those bad times also shaped who I am now.

[MrsMommy]

I wish my mom had forced me to finish a volleyball camp I was in the summer before my freshman year of high school. She let me quite because all the other girls were at least sophomores, and I didn't know anybody (plus, honestly, the lack of transportation concerns probably made it easier for her when I quit). I think if I had stuck it out, I would have played varsity volleyball eventually, instead of just intramural ball. I really regret that, because I really loved volleyball, and I just needed a little extra push.

[marbel]

Wow, that is not how I understand this thread at all. I think it IS about focusing on being good parents.

 

I'm reading it the way Wintermom did but here's why:  I have a sister who continues, well into middle age, complaining about the things our parents did not do.  They didn't offer or encourage music lessons, art lessons, college, etc.  They were good parents but they had no experience of those things as children of immigrants who came of age during the great depression.  They would not have known how to encourage those things.   Her attitude was tiresome and accusatory; she blamed our parents for many of her misfortunes in life because they didn't do this or that. 

 

So, because of that, my perspective is different, I guess, than those who see it more positively.  I do try to do things differently that my parents did but I also have resources that they did not have. 

 

(I wasn't going to post in this thread till Wintermom did and I just wanted to give another perspective.  And I am NOT saying that anyone here is reflecting that accusatory, blaming attitude.)   

[Audrey]

Inspired by the other thread and recent conversations with DH, both of us wish we had been pushed more towards personal fitness. Neither one of us was into sports all that much, but could have been encouraged to do something personal like biking, rollerblading or jogging. Or do sports on a recreational level. 

 

I would say the same thing.  My parents did support my sports interests as a younger child, but when I didn't want to do it anymore, they didn't push it.  To this day, exercise is the bane of my existence.  I do it, but hate it with a fiery hot rage.  I wish I could have developed a love or, at least, an appreciation for it.  I don't think it is my parents' fault that I hate it, though.  I might have hated it even more if they had pushed it on me.  Who knows?  

[Audrey]

I wish my mom had talked to me more about saving money. I was in debt by the age of 20 that I couldn't pay off with the job and expenses I had. I wasn't taught money sense at all.

 

 

My mom was a bookkeeper and she did teach me money sense.  I just didn't have the sense to listen to her!  I learned the hard way, though, and did straighten my messes out eventually.  She was not shy to tell me "I told you so!" And, I kind of deserved that.   :blush:

[Guest]

I'm reading it the way Wintermom did but here's why: I have a sister who continues, well into middle age, complaining about the things our parents did not do. They didn't offer or encourage music lessons, art lessons, college, etc. They were good parents but they had no experience of those things as children of immigrants who came of age during the great depression. They would not have known how to encourage those things. Her attitude was tiresome and accusatory; she blamed our parents for many of her misfortunes in life because they didn't do this or that.

 

So, because of that, my perspective is different, I guess, than those who see it more positively. I do try to do things differently that my parents did but I also have resources that they did not have.

 

(I wasn't going to post in this thread till Wintermom did and I just wanted to give another perspective. And I am NOT saying that anyone here is reflecting that accusatory, blaming attitude.)

In my early twenties, I complained hotly about how my parents did this or that. I do think that phase was cathartic for working out what I would do as a mom, and what I wanted dh to do as a father. It's not emotional for me anymore, but I still "wish" they had done this or that differently. I saw this thread as a place for that musing.

[Guest]

Its funny I couldn't answer the other thread and am having a hard time answering this thread as well. I feel like my parents did an absolutely wonderful job raising me and teaching me own who I am and the decisions I make. I wouldn't be the person I am now if my parents had done anything differently and the person I am is pretty awesome.

 

Not saying anyone answering these threads isnt. its just that every aspect of my past has made me who I am and I don't feel like I am lacking in anything or have any regrets. Of course it wasn't all perfect but those bad times also shaped who I am now.

I feel this way, too.

[Guest]

... to finish school, to give a lick about my education. While they made themselves available to help with homework, it was never offered (I would have to ask a few times). College was never really discussed. When I decided I wanted to drop out and get my GED, they never said anything negative about it, and it was allowed. I wish they would have recognized a rebellious teenage spirit in desperate need of SOME guidance.

This was a big facet for me, too. I think, for my parents, it was largely influenced by the view that there was no purpose for "girls" to go to college or attempt to earn. So, while they didn't prohibit college or employment for their dds, they also almost never discussed occupations for women, or higher education. I think they hoped we would just marry adequately and never feel the need for college or earning.

[DragonFaerie]

It's funny.  My answer to this thread and the other one would both be the same.  I'm so glad my parents pushed me to play the piano, even when I wanted to quit.  I eventually came to appreciate being able to play and am thankful for that to this day.  However, I wish my parents had pushed (or maybe just really encouraged) me more to be better.  I never had any self-confidence in my musical ability.  I knew my folks liked hearing me play and they thought I was good, but I never felt like they thought I could really BE a pianist.  A few years ago, my mom mentioned that I could have been a concert pianist if I'd wanted to.  I never knew she thought I had that much talent/ability.  I wish I'd known back then.  I wish she had pushed me in that direction, found places for me to play or organizations/groups to play with, piano competitions, etc.  I always just thought I was average.

[ScoutTN]

I wish my mom had taught me some practical life skills like sewing, knitting, cooking, typing, driving a standard, doing a budget etc. Homemaking is not an incidental part of life and I was not well prepared for it. Still learning now. Hoping to make some progress on the keyboarding when dd learns next year. We will learn together and I am sure she will do better than I will!

 

My mom was a single parent in the 70's and it was hard. She was fighting to succeed in her career and she focused me on academics and career. I found my skill set rather lopsided when I got to college and out on my own in the wide world. Not picking on my mom here. She did a great job in very difficult circumstances.

[Jenny in Florida]

I wish my parents had encouraged/required me to stick with piano lessons (or, well, anything, really).

 

I wish they had encouraged me to take school more seriously and to study and strive a bit more in that arena.

[Heather in Neverland]

... Play piano. It's my one big regret.

[Samiam]

Encourage me to do anything with education. School, in general came easy for me. I scored well on the ACT (didn't realize how well until years later realizing wow, I did good on that!). There was never any talk about college, about career, about the future for me. When I ended up,going to college, it was because I brought the financial aid papers to them. (Before the days of online FAFSA). I asked them to take me to the fall open house at the college. I went and signed up for the classes, I went an bought books. I had to live at home because I didn't quite figure out how to pay or get into campus housing. I ended up at the local college, even though I truly desired to go away, another state, because I didn't quite know how I'd get to another state for school, with the cost, the transport, etc. and frankly I waffled a lot in college in and out of enrollment, etc as it was pretty much all up to me, including paying for it (even though I couldn't qualify for pell grant type of aid based on my parents income). I just had no guidance there, and frankly no a lot in other parts of life....there was never this thing where they found things or brought things to me that might help me, might be of interest to me, might help my future. The one thing I distinctly remember my father advising me "the post office is hiring, you should apply, good pay, and you could buy a little house here in a few years"......when I wanted nothing more to get out of that small town, that boring Midwestern state. I often think of what path, career wise, I could have taken, with just a bit of guidance and push from parents. Because at 17, coming from a small farming town, I had no idea what was out there in the world.

 

So on a good note, I am the complete flip side of that for my children. I research all kinds of opportunities for them, give the, all kinds of options, try to open the whole world to them, make sure they have opportunities and guidance to get where they want to get.

[Shamzanne]

To do hard things! I was a naturally gifted student, but very lazy. I had it easy for so long I never learned decent study skills or academic self discipline, and then when subjects got too difficult for me to just skip the homework, take the test, and get an A, I just got annoyed and didn't step up my own efforts with that.

 

That lack of discipline and fortitude was much more challenging to manage on my own later, I wish they'd recognized the difference between effort and talent and encouraged me to work more diligently at the former when I lacked the latter, especially in boring and tedious pursuits.

This is me to a T. I also wish my parents had encouraged me to read good books. I was a voracious reader but was taken to the library once a month or so and told to choose two books. I was stuck reading Nancy Drew and Babysitter's Club because I had nobody to guide me to the good stuff. I didn't read Narnia or LOTR till I was in my twenties. They would have changed my life when I was a kid!

[elegantlion]

My parents did a lot of things right. My mom is one of my best friends to this day. However, there were things they didn't know how to teach and thought subtle modeling would work. My dad is a great money manager, but I knew where the emergency checkbook was and not to bother him while he was doing taxes. Beyond that, nothing. Granted, I grew up in a time when credit cards were mailed to you without request and what 18 year old with no discipline is going to turn down a nice shopping trip at the mall? My parents never dealt with that in their early adult years. 

 

They also let me quit everything. We never did sports or really fun stuff because we had one car, couldn't walk to school because of distance, and my dad worked 2nd shift. I was the queen of excuses and could get out of everything. I was a good student, so they never pushed. 

 

I wish they had helped me direct my adult years a bit more. They are very much one day at time people who had a better lifestyle than their parents. I assumed the same for me, but they never thought about what the future might hold, or thought higher education was important. I got caught in the gap where a degree became necessary for good jobs. If the Internet had been around then, I would be a different person. I love to research things and there just wasn't the outlet to find opportunities in their group of friends or mine. 

 

I don't blame my parents at all, but it has affected how I parent. I try to guide ds to have forward thinking about what his adult world will look like. I discuss money with him, and I push him in ways my parents never did. My parents are very involved in my son's life and that is probably the greatest reward to me. I never had grandparents that gave a rip about me (for many reasons). They grandparent differently than they parented. They openly acknowledge some of the things they wish they'd done differently, they are wiser now and I hope I am too. 

[Lisbeth]

This one is tough...I just wish I had been encouraged about anything. When I won writing awards at school, best in school, two years in a row, my mom said this: "It is one thing to win grade school writing awards. It usually doesn't go anywhere when you become an adult." Or if someone would compliment my appearance, later she would make a comment about how quickly the bloom fades from the rose.

You get my point. It took me decades to realize how abnormal all of those comments were.

[Rebel Yell]

This one is tough...I just wish I had been encouraged about anything. When I won writing awards at school, best in school, two years in a row, my mom said this: "It is one thing to win grade school writing awards. It usually doesn't go anywhere when you become an adult." Or if someone would compliment my appearance, later she would make a comment about how quickly the bloom fades from the rose.

You get my point. It took me decades to realize how abnormal all of those comments were.

 

:crying: :grouphug:

 

[Guest]

You know, one thing that I intend to do as my kids grow up and leave the nest is just to contact them more often/more assertively than my parents do. I think my mom especially wanted to avoid being a meddlesome nag (and my dad is just happiest in his own little world), so they practically never called me, or invited me to dinner, etc. this was one thing I liked much more about my MIL when I started dating DH. She consistently had big family dinners every weekend. All were welcome. Boyfriends/Girlfriends were welcomed. I think sometimes one or more of the adult kids rolled their eyes about it, like, "Gotta come to family dinner, or mom will be all butt-hurt," but at least they never wondered if their parents gave a poo about them.

 

I think it's better to be a little bit of a nagging mom/MIL than to leave your grown kids wondering if you are at all interested in what is going on in their lives.

[rebot]

You know, I think my parents did a pretty ok job.  Sure they made mistakes and I wish they would have done some things different. What I realized now that I'm a parent is that they were just fumbling through trying to figure it all out.  For some reason I thought my mom had some magic handbook of parenting and had it figured out, then I had kids and realized that we all learn as we go.  I try to do differently what I didn't like about my childhood, but I know when my kids are adults they are going to have there own things that they will wish that I did differently.

 

All that to say, I wish they would have pushed me in school more, and wouldn't have let me stay out so late partying.  

[DawnM]

I grew up with a mother who I now know was mentally not capable of functioning normally.  She was able to function enough that I didn't really understand it all and thought her emotional issues were my fault.  It took me a long time also to understand that these things were not normal.

 

:grouphug:

 

Dawn

 

 

This one is tough...I just wish I had been encouraged about anything. When I won writing awards at school, best in school, two years in a row, my mom said this: "It is one thing to win grade school writing awards. It usually doesn't go anywhere when you become an adult." Or if someone would compliment my appearance, later she would make a comment about how quickly the bloom fades from the rose.
You get my point. It took me decades to realize how abnormal all of those comments were.

 

[Cammie]

I wish they had spoken to me more about the cost of college, making choices that would not involve debt.  At the time I was encouraged to go to the best school I could go to even though there was no savings to pay for it.  I got good scholarships.  I also signed my name to a lot of loans.  Did the same in grad school.  And in law school.  It sort of became an ingrained idea....education is worth whatever you have to pay to get it.  I am no longer so sure about that!  My oldest is only 13 but we have already had many conversations about the reality of college expenses, about the need to make wise decisions, etc.

 

I see this thread as a way to acknowledge areas in which our parents may have not had an understanding and how we as parents are planning to address the same issue with our own children.

[Lisbeth]

I grew up with a mother who I now know was mentally not capable of functioning normally. She was able to function enough that I didn't really understand it all and thought her emotional issues were my fault. It took me a long time also to understand that these things were not normal.

 

:grouphug:

 

Dawn

Sounds really familiar. I am so sorry...It took me so long to realize how messed up my childhood was, I really relate. I was an only child and my parents were fairly estranged from extended family (rightly so, as they are mostly terrible people, but still.) In our isolated little circle, I thought anything that went wrong was my fault. My mom loved the silent treatment, for days at a time, until I sufficiently begged for forgiveness for whatever. She also seemed to enjoy setting me up to fail. I am still so angry about it, now that I know.

One of the reasons I'm so reactive on here about protecting kids first is that I was never protected, never encouraged.

Many hugs to you!

[TrixieB]

...explore a wide range of vocational opportunities and college choices. They were hands-off, instructed by school counselors that I could make my own choices and believing they were respecting my independence. I could have used more guidance.

 

Not blaming them, though; I could have been more resourceful myself, probably. I saw all the majors listed in college handbooks (wow, remember when all that was in hard copy? I loved those!), but really had no clue of the wide spectrum of career options and specialized study that fell under each broad group.

 

This. Exactly.

 

[Rebel Yell]

I grew up with a mother who I now know was mentally not capable of functioning normally.  She was able to function enough that I didn't really understand it all and thought her emotional issues were my fault.  It took me a long time also to understand that these things were not normal.

 

:grouphug:

 

Dawn

 

:crying: :grouphug:

 

[Rebel Yell]

Sounds really familiar. I am so sorry...It took me so long to realize how messed up my childhood was, I really relate. I was an only child and my parents were fairly estranged from extended family (rightly so, as they are mostly terrible people, but still.) In our isolated little circle, I thought anything that went wrong was my fault. My mom loved the silent treatment, for days at a time, until I sufficiently begged for forgiveness for whatever. She also seemed to enjoy setting me up to fail. I am still so angry about it, now that I know.

One of the reasons I'm so reactive on here about protecting kids first is that I was never protected, never encouraged.

Many hugs to you!

 

:crying: :grouphug:

[Rebel Yell]

You know, one thing that I intend to do as my kids grow up and leave the nest is just to contact them more often/more assertively than my parents do. I think my mom especially wanted to avoid being a meddlesome nag (and my dad is just happiest in his own little world), so they practically never called me, or invited me to dinner, etc. this was one thing I liked much more about my MIL when I started dating DH. She consistently had big family dinners every weekend. All were welcome. Boyfriends/Girlfriends were welcomed. I think sometimes one or more of the adult kids rolled their eyes about it, like, "Gotta come to family dinner, or mom will be all butt-hurt," but at least they never wondered if their parents gave a poo about them.

 

I think it's better to be a little bit of a nagging mom/MIL than to leave your grown kids wondering if you are at all interested in what is going on in their lives.

 

:hurray:   I plan to do that, too...  but I will make it known that their participation in family dinners and holiday gatherings is welcome and hoped-for, but never mandatory. I don't want them to feel like they have to move out of state to be excused from Sunday Dinner. :huh: I also want them to know it;s OK to take turns with family holidays- one thing DH hated growing up was rushing through his "Santa" presents to rush to Grannie's, then rush to other Grannie's, and then rush to Auntie's. :willy_nilly: 

[happypamama]

Pushed me a little harder in a lot of areas to help me develop more of a perseverance mentality -- harder literature, lifelong personal fitness, finishing hobbies/projects. I got excellent grades and did plenty of school activities, and I feel like those were the focuses of my teen years. They were, and they needed to be because I needed them for college scholarships, and it did net the rewards of those focuses, but I really should have been more well-rounded, and there are skills I wish I had been able to take into adulthood with me, rather than having to teach them to myself. (However, I know time was an issue; with evening college classes, running a couple of school clubs, homework, and a full school day which included [valuable] time tutoring ESL and other students, plus maintaining a serious long distance relationship with my now-husband, I'm not sure where I'd have gotten the time and energy, but I wish I'd been pushed a bit more.). I want my kids to have a better focus on their entire adulthood and not just their college and newly married years.

[lailasmum]

I have 2 

I wish my parents would have encouraged me more to stick up for my self and helped me build my self esteem when I was bullied rather than just telling me to ignore it like it wasn't important. My mum's way of dealing with things is to ignore them which is pretty annoying.

 

I wish they'd encourage my academic tendencies a bit more and expressed pride in the things I did well. They rarely expressed pleasure when I did well even if I got high scores, it was always an attitude of why didn't you get higher grade/perfect scores. I am quite self driven but their attitude (more my mum's really) did rather make me feel like none of it mattered either way. I could have also got a place at a private girls school for free and she discouraged that because of minor things.