What are your "rules" for friendship?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Note up front:  I realize that there is no right or wrong way to answer this, just different ways.  But I also realized that people seem to look at this differently and was curious.

 

My number one rule for friendship is a fairly loose one - it must be reciprocal.  But I don't mean that in a strict sense.  But if only one person is doing all the work in the friendship then I will jettison it.

 

Other than that, I suppose my only rule is that we are real with each other.  I have a wide variety of friends that share a lot of different interests.  But I don't have to pretend with them.

 

I do not have the rule that you have to invite a friend to any event you talk about.  In fact, in my circle of friends we're more likely to mention a get together with a mutual friend specifically because they are mutual friends.  After all, why would they care that I got together with someone they didn't know?  But they are going to want to know that I went out to dinner with the Smiths and that they said hi.  

[Tohru]

Interesting.  I don't think I have any "rules" for friends. Well, maybe don't bash my kids, don't sleep with my husband.  Other than that, nothing. I guess I have very low standards.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The rules are unspoken.  I just thought about what would make me unhappy in a friendship.  And yeah, I wouldn't want them to bash my kids or sleep with my husband either!  

[Meriwether]

The friends I get to know the best are at least somewhat spontaneous. If we can see each other somewhere and say, "Hey, let's get together on Tuesday afternoon," we are more likely to become good friends. I have friends that have a hard time planning anything closer than two weeks. I like them, but it is harder to get together. I don't have a rule about it but some spontaneity is definitely a bonus.

 

It is also easier to get together with people who don't mind spending time around kids. Most of our get togethers are during the day when I have kids with me. As the kids get older, that is becoming less true.

[kewb]

I never really thought about it.  I suppose my number one rule is that it is low maintenance. Life is too short for high maintenance friends.  I have no problem cutting out a toxic friendship like the cancer it is.

[Tohru]

I guess reciprocity is a good "rule".  Maybe it would be better to define "friend" vs "acquaintance." I know A LOT of people - tons of acquaintances, but have only a few people I'd consider actual, real friends.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, I have lots of acquaintances.  And there is a easy bantering that happens with many of them.  But I don't consider someone really a friend unless there is something deeper there.  It can be hard to really define because there is a sort of internal fuzzy line where it starts to cross from acquaintance to friendship.  But it has to do with bearing my soul to some degree.  That's what I said about being "real".  Part of it is that we don't stand on ceremony.  I tend to be more polite to my acquaintances!  

[sassenach]

This may sound weird, but to be a real friend that gets to know deeper things in my life, you have to love my husband. By that I mean, you have to understand and have grace for him. I need to know that if he and I are having a bad day, I can talk about it and it won't change that person's opinion or feelings towards him. My BFs all love and respect dh as an individual, which brings great freedom to our relationship. I hope that makes sense. I would say that's an inner circle "rule." I have other friendships that are not quite that deep and this doesn't come to play (but I'm also less transparent in those friendships). This may be a ministry thing, too.

 

ETA- Just thinking about my friend landscape- I have 5 that fall into the most intimate level and 4 of them are pastors' wives. The other is the wife in a couple that we've been good friends with since before dh went into ministry. So that's telling! I do have 1 other friend that I've known since childhood, and while I do consider her to be one of my dearest friends, she feels more like a sister than a chosen friend. She doesn't get full access to my life.

[Tap]

LOl.  Before I opened the post, I thought to myself.. it must be reciprocal. 

 

For me, that means that I don't want to be the only one calling to chat or extending invitations to get together.  I can even do the heavy lifting and make the call/invite 75% of the time. But, if the other person never instigates a call/invite then I back off until they do.  I know some people just don't think to make the call or extend the invite. They may really love getting together when we do meet up and are sincerely my friend, but I won't be 100% of the friendship. 

 

 

Another thing that is bothersome....is when the other person  just wants me to be their marriage counselor.  I had one friend as a young adult who just wanted to get together when her husband and her were in a fight.  She would rant and rave for hours and then go home.  If I called to get together with her and she was always too busy....until their next fight.   When I started being too busy to get together, she moved on to another friend.  That friend and I talked and she said that she did the same thing to her.  

 

 

 

 

The only other thing that bugs me, but isn't a rule per se is people who share extreme amounts of  TMI.  I can handle people telling me about intimate things, but I don't need to know all the dirty, gritty details.  I don't need to know the details of your diarrhea yesterday, Don't need to know the details of your sex life with your husband. I don't need to know...in detail...what you want to do to the gorgeous guy that just walked by.  I have had 2 coworkers like this, and when they invite me out for drinks or whatever, I always decline. I sometimes wonder, if they will tell me about their sex life at work, what would they say once they have a couple of drinks in them.  I can be a work friend to people with no filter, but I won't hang out with them after work. 

[Heather in Neverland]

I never really thought about it. I suppose my number one rule is that it is low maintenance. Life is too short for high maintenance friends. I have no problem cutting out a toxic friendship like the cancer it is.

This.

 

I had a friend who kept score... You know... "I've called you three times this week and you've only called me once" and so forth. I do not have time for that nonsense. I have a close friend back in the states and our communication varies depending on what's going on in our lives. Sometimes we chat daily by iMessage. Sometimes we don't talk for weeks. But when we do talk again neither of us gets mad at the other for not calling. We do what we can when we can. No strings attached.

[Annie G]

Mine are much like yours, Jean. The other main rule for me is that when I find myself having to think before I talk to a person- like, is she going to twist what I say and tell someone, or is she going to judge me for this.....then it's time to put some distance in the friendship. 

 

 

[sassenach]

This.

 

I had a friend who kept score... You know... "I've called you three times this week and you've only called me once" and so forth. I do not have time for that nonsense. I have a close friend back in the states and our communication varies depending on what's going on in our lives. Sometimes we chat daily by iMessage. Sometimes we don't talk for weeks. But when we do talk again neither of us gets mad at the other for not calling. We do what we can when we can. No strings attached.

Absolutely. This reminds me of something a friend sent me recently- the no BS friendship manifesto. Atrocious language in it, but the heart of it is no drama. I'm not going to get mad when you flake out, run late, don't return my call, ect, because I do that, too. This is real life, we have kids and husbands and a million things to keep track of and I'm not going to add drama to your life. I liked it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

I had a friend who kept score... 

Yeah, When I say "reciprocal" - I do not mean keeping score.  But somehow I know if they aren't reciprocal at all.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Mine are much like yours, Jean. The other main rule for me is that when I find myself having to think before I talk to a person- like, is she going to twist what I say and tell someone, or is she going to judge me for this.....then it's time to put some distance in the friendship. 

Gossip is absolutely forbidden for me.  I lost a long-term friendship that way.  She started to gossip about mutual friends (and it wasn't even accurate!) and it immediately made me wary of what I said around her because I wasn't sure what she was "sharing" about me to others.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Absolutely. This reminds me of something a friend sent me recently- the no BS friendship manifesto. Atrocious language in it, but the heart of it is no drama. I'm not going to get mad when you flake out, run late, don't return my call, ect, because I do that, too. This is real life, we have kids and husbands and a million things to keep track of and I'm not going to add drama to your life. I liked it.

My friends know that I can be a pain at times because of my illness issues.  They know that is a real life complication.  So if they want to see me they are merciless.  They'll just come out and say "I really want to see you.  So how can I help you make this happen?"  I've fallen asleep in front of these friends and no one takes offense.  At one party I woke up to find a plate with cake in my lap.  They said "we decided that you needed some sugar!"  

[Liz CA]

You mean casual friendships?...Because my friend of 20+ years has different privileges and obligations than casual friends. This friend is obligated to set me straight when run down the wrong path - at least she has to try. (I do the same for her), she can call me at any time of day or night and we consult each other in most of life's crises.

 

Casual friends are just that. If I find the friendship stressful in any way or toxic, then I create distance. If this is s/o the other thread where someone seemed to be in a pattern of mentioning get togethers with others, there are two things here (at least): Either someone does this to gloat and hurt, then it's rude. If someone does it constantly but does not intend to offend, however, it hurts the uninvited party, it seems obtuse.

ETA: If I am the obtuse person, I would actually like for someone to tell me so I can become less offensive. If I am the hurt person (which is hard to picture because these kind of things don't really get to me) I would probably realize the other person is either trying to get a rise out of me in which case I would not do her the favor OR realize the other person has no clue in which case I would not hold it against her.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Liz, it is a spin off of the other thread in that that thread got me to thinking about friendship.  My rules of friendship state that you have to be secure enough in your friends to not care if they see other mutual friends and talk about it!  (But as I said in the OP - this really isn't about right or wrong but about how different people see friendship.)

[Liz CA]

Liz, it is a spin off of the other thread in that that thread got me to thinking about friendship.  My rules of friendship state that you have to be secure enough in your friends to not care if they see other mutual friends and talk about it!  (But as I said in the OP - this really isn't about right or wrong but about how different people see friendship.)

 

Got it. It would not bother me if friends of ours got together with other friends of ours. The only reason I might be wondering what was going on is if I perceive that they are excluding me because of something I have / or have not done / said. Then I would be wondering what I did and would want to know.

[apennieformythoughts]

My rules for friendship are along the same lines as everyone else. It has to be a 2 way street. If I care to hear about your life, please care to hear about mine. Not that I want to talk about myself all the time, but everyone wants to know that someone cares. I had a friend who compared me being the primary caregiver to my mom before she passed away from cancer (she was only 58) last year to her struggle to eat a cheeseburger. And I'm an understanding person! I know she has struggles! I care about her problems! BUT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! 

 

Anyway. I've chosen to keep much more distance in that friendship. I'm sure I come across as heartless and uncaring to her... but truth be told, I kind of don't at this point. That wasn't the only way she's shown me that my issues are second fiddle to the drama that is her life, so... she can have her drama and I'll find friends that I care about and who care about ME too. 

 

I have other friends that I've known both since I was a baby and since I was a teenager, but they are like siblings and don't really know everything about me or my life. I wouldn't trade them for the world though. 

 

My best friend is my chosen sister, love her dearly, friendship goes both ways, our husbands are best friends, our children are growing up like friend/sisters, our dog is their dog, I've found my tribe. And I'm so, so, so grateful. 

 

So my rules: Reciprocity. That's it. If we are friends, be MY friend. I don't mean that you can't have other friends, I don't mean you have to spend time with me all the time. I just mean that you should care. It's a 2 way street. Give and take. And then it can be a beautiful thing. 

[OneStepAtATime]

I realized after I posted on the other thread that I was possibly reading more into the OPs situation than was actually there, but I do understand what she was saying.  I normally don't have any issues with mutual friends getting together without me and talking about it later, as long as it isn't malicious.  Doesn't bother me at all.  

 

But I have a couple of friends I have known for years and years, one of whom I credit with really helping me get started homeschooling.  But I am seriously a bit frustrated.  I have to do all the work to maintain the friendship.   Unfortunately, they have children my son adores.  He wants to have play dates with them on a regular basis but in the past 8 months we have had none...and they live right around the corner.  She will talk with me on the phone periodically, and she invites us once in a while to come over or accepts invitations from us.  But she always cancels.  Literally, we can walk there in 5 minutes and have done so, so it isn't like it would be hard to get here or us to go there.  Both moms are very busy with large families so I do understand their lives are more chaotic than mine with just two kids.  But they cancel play dates with us all the time.  Yet still seem to have time to get together with each other and with another family that doesn't even live in our neighborhood.  

 

We were all together picking up our kids from skate camp this week and they were talking about a great play date they had planned for that afternoon. My kid and I are standing right there.  We are part of the conversation.  All the kids are expressing excitement.  My DS is looking hopeful, especially since he and several of the other kids had been talking all week about a play date at the end of camp and had all been asking the adults when it could happen.  The other kids had specifically asked their parents when they could get together with my child.  We have been asking for months for another play date, anyway.  The women are always friendly, they seem to genuinely like my child, their kids get along great with my kid.  But they were talking about this play date right in front of us and did not invite us.  Then when I suggested that we all get together next week they hemmed and hawed and indicated they MIGHT have time but probably not.  And still did not invite us for the afternoon playdate but continued talking about it.  And yes, it was a bit hurtful.

 

If I had a group of 4-5 friends that all knew each other well and did things with each other on a regular basis but sometimes we broke off and did things with just one or two, I get that.  No issues.  And I wouldn't get bent about them discussing the things they did without me.  It is normal for different people to do different things with different friends.  And I would be interested in what the others were doing, but not jealous or hurt.  But if the other 4-5 were consistently doing things without inviting me and my kids on a regular basis, then discussing those things with me on a regular basis, I think yes it would start to bug me.  

[J-rap]

That's interesting to think about.  I don't think we really had rules for friends, or if we did, they were all unspoken.  I guess the unspoken rules were if the end result of the friendship is a positive, it's good.  If it's a negative, it isn't good. 

 

One thing we have talked about quite a bit is that a really dependable person is hard to come by.  Someone who actually sticks to her word consistently is rare.  If you have that in a friendship, it's worth at least pursuing.

[OneStepAtATime]

That's interesting to think about.  I don't think we really had rules for friends, or if we did, they were all unspoken.  I guess the unspoken rules were if the end result of the friendship is a positive, it's good.  If it's a negative, it isn't good. 

 

One thing we have talked about quite a bit is that a really dependable person is hard to come by.  Someone who actually sticks to her word consistently is rare.  If you have that in a friendship, it's worth at least pursuing.

:iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:

 

I have a few friends that have always been dependable.  And I cherish those friendships very much.  And I work to maintain those friendships for the long haul.

 

I do have other friends that I KNOW I just cannot rely on, but I have just stopped expecting much from them so when they actually follow through it is a nice surprise. 

[Liz CA]

 

 

We were all together picking up our kids from skate camp this week and they were talking about a great play date they had planned for that afternoon. My kid and I are standing right there.  We are part of the conversation.  All the kids are expressing excitement.  My DS is looking hopeful, especially since he and several of the other kids had been talking all week about a play date at the end of camp and had all been asking the adults when it could happen.  The other kids had specifically asked their parents when they could get together with my child.  We have been asking for months for another play date, anyway.  The women are always friendly, they seem to genuinely like my child, their kids get along great with my kid.  But they were talking about this play date right in front of us and did not invite us.  Then when I suggested that we all get together next week they hemmed and hawed and indicated they MIGHT have time but probably not.  And still did not invite us for the afternoon playdate but continued talking about it.  And yes, it was a bit hurtful.

 

 

 

This is what I mean when I said it's either incredibly rude or incredibly obtuse. Especially when kids are involved.

 

[redsquirrel]

well, there are things that would have to be there for us to even be friends to begin with. Like, I can't imagine sustaining a friendship with someone who is homophobic, and honestly I doubt anyone who is a religious fundamentalist would comfortable in my circles. But that sort of takes care of itself, lol.

 

Mostly I would say 'low drama'. But if drama does come with a good friend, and it will, that is fine because they are worth the investment. But there are people who are drama up front, and I don't feel the need to invest any time in those relationships.

 

And I can tell the difference between temporary drama and permanent drama. I have made friend with people who were going through a difficult time, loss of job, sick spouse, divorce, whatever, that doesn't deter me.

[Pronghorn]

I will be friends with pretty well anyone, as long as they desire to be my friend. This does not mean that I have no boundaries or that I don't drift apart from some friends. It means that I am very willing to forgive and put effort into working things out. I think of friends as gifts and do my best with them. I have lost a close friendship with a high-maintenance friend, but only because she rejected me. I would have kept trying. My child did get hurt from this loss, though. So I may be too accepting of other people'

 

#

[Excelsior! Academy]

The only (unspoken) rule I can think of is the person cannot constantly invite me to do stuff last minute.  I don't do last minute.  That stresses me out.  I did have a friend who did this and it did not last long because of it.  And she could not seem to take the hint. 

 

Yes!  I can be as spontaneous as the next gal, but if you never plan ahead and expect me to join in, well I start to wonder if you feel like your whims supersede my plans.  I have a family and that family comes first.  Its not personal.  You don't like it?  Call me in 10 or 20 years when my little people are a bit more self-sufficient.  If nothing else, plan a little bit further than an hour or two from now!!

 

[texasmama]

I curse with my true friends.  They have to be okay with this or they get kicked to the curb.   Sometimes they remove themselves to the curb, which is fine, too.

 

I agree with reciprocal.  I just downgraded a 30 year friendship to acquaintance because it is too one sided.  I will be pleasant, but I will no longer drive over to her house at 10 pm because a mutual friend who lives out of state is worried about her (as well he should have been...).  I did not discuss the downgrade with this person.  No need to be hurtful.

 

I downgraded another friend to acquaintance for gossiping untruths, being unreliable and trying to diagnose me with depression right after my mother passed away.

 

As an extrovert, I am pretty quick to let people in, but they stay at the outer circle until I see that "real" quality that has been spoken of.  Ain't nobody got time for fake.

 

If you are mean, I will not even attend an event you will be at though we may have gobs of mutual friends. 

 

I'm pretty easy to get along with so if I find you offensive, you probably are.  :D

[Guest]

Rule #1: No death threats.......

People pleaser with boundary issues here, but I'm working on it and also on being okay with enjoying my acquaintances and not freaking out when I find differences that would lead to drama that would preclude ever upgrading them to friends.

The last time I attempted to upgrade an acquaintance, we made a pact to NEVER clean up our houses for a visit at what felt like a very appropriate time, since we both have issues with perfectionism, so I will definitely do that again.

 

I cannot afford friendships that involve only getting together to go shopping, eat at restaurants etc., but neither can I afford "social worker" type friendships who think that they are better than me and want to feed their self-image as "being kind to the poor" by dumping their old garbage on me, whether that garbage is a bag full of plastic toys and ugly clothes that don't fit or classism, judgement of my choices, and disrespect for the things that matter to me.

 

I am lucky enough to have a friend from my adult kids' old Park Day fifteen or more years ago who doesn't blink an eye when I reply to an email she sent months ago and she is a treasure. I was also moved to tears in 2009 when so many people I went to school with and considered to be more "cool kid I wannabe" than actual friend sought me out on Facebook and said kind things about being aware that I was having a difficult childhood but not knowing how to help and that they still remember specific short stories I wrote when I was gonna be a famous writer and that would show everybody who said I'd never amount to anything.

Needless to say, I'm not a famous writer and compared to some of their career success I never amounted to anything but they like me anyway, even though I consider them to be revived acquaintances rather than the kind of friend  you could call to pick you up at the airport at 4 AM.

 

[texasmama]

Got it. It would not bother me if friends of ours got together with other friends of ours. The only reason I might be wondering what was going on is if I perceive that they are excluding me because of something I have / or have not done / said. Then I would be wondering what I did and would want to know.

This happened recently, and the person involved is a 40 year long friend so I just asked.  She clarified that I had not done anything and why the invitations happened as they did.  It is not that I minded at all - just didn't want to have offended unknowingly.  At this point in my life, if I have a question, I will just ask.  No beating around the bush or sitting around wondering.  So far, it has worked out well. 

[creekland]

No rules here.  I'm willing to listen to in depth politics or family life or weather.  I trust hubby.  I don't care what one wears or what their house looks like or whether they have mainstream beliefs or not.

 

In turn, I am always myself too, so if that bugs others, so be it.  I guess I let others decide how close they care to be.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

If I had a group of 4-5 friends that all knew each other well and did things with each other on a regular basis but sometimes we broke off and did things with just one or two, I get that.  No issues.  And I wouldn't get bent about them discussing the things they did without me.  It is normal for different people to do different things with different friends.  And I would be interested in what the others were doing, but not jealous or hurt.  But if the other 4-5 were consistently doing things without inviting me and my kids on a regular basis, then discussing those things with me on a regular basis, I think yes it would start to bug me.  

But see, what you describe would not fit my criteria of a friend.  A chatty acquaintance that got together with me from time to time but not actual friendship. And I would set up that boundary for myself in my soul and would pursue other actual friendships.    :grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

But see, what you describe would not fit my criteria of a friend.  A chatty acquaintance that got together with me from time to time but not actual friendship. And I would set up that boundary for myself in my soul and would pursue other actual friendships.    :grouphug:

I guess I still consider the one woman who helped me get into homeschooling as still being my good friend out of loyalty.  She and I were once quite a bit closer and have helped each other through some tough times over many years.  But you are right, what we have now is no longer really a friendship.

[freesia]

I never really thought about it.  I suppose my number one rule is that it is low maintenance. Life is too short for high maintenance friends.  I have no problem cutting out a toxic friendship like the cancer it is.

Yes, low maintenance. In particular, I don't do well with people who are touchy and won't let me know when there is a problem or who nurse hurts. I do best with dealing with any issues and then moving on. I also do best with friends that don't need constant attention bc my life ebbs and flows with responsibilities.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I ended three long term (over 20 year) friendships a couple of years ago.  I ended them by just not calling them any more, though I do send Christmas cards.  All 3 were kept alive by me.  One person hasn't contacted me in those years at all.  I feel a bit of a death with the death of that friendship.  I thought of her as a sister.  Another has contacted me at Christmas or when she wants me to support her kid's activities with money.  And she did send a personal update once.  I still consider her a friend but she's now more of a "Christmas card friend" and not a close friend.  I saw the third one at camp a year ago.  We were friendly but not close.  She was a gossip and I just cannot trust someone who gossips.  We are friendly but I think of her as more of an acquaintance.  

[JonesinIndiana]

I ended a friendship during a very difficult time in my life because my friend wasn't being honest with herself or me.

 

I would literally cry over problems I was having trying to teach my child w LD and she would say, oh, Carrie just LOVES to read don't you Carrie? Meanwhile, Carrie doesn't know her letters and I'm tired of trying to get beyond the everythingisgreatandlifeiswonderful. My life at that time wasn't great!

 

I gotta have honesty. No queens of de-nile around here!

[Meadowlark]

I agree with reciprocity...also, I don't get along well with people who like the sound of their own voice and who dominate conversations, Can NOT stand that!

[Guest]

I ended a 30+ year old friendship when I became nothing more than a number to call and try to sell a pyramid scheme. It made me sad. He was a guy I dated, unceremoniously dumped, wrote back to (in the snail mail era) as a joke, and eventually learned to appreciate as a loyal, sensitive, and caring person instead of an idiot who couldn't get over a crush. I liked the woman he wound up marrying too.

 

One of the former classmates from Facebook was also a former date, but he was awkward and clumsy and so not a prize that it felt more like a friendship than anything romantic. I'm pretty sure I got his virginity, but I don't remember much about that stuff, just us laughing and playing together and the way he played "The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys" on the piano so beautifully and yet so constantly.

 

He outgrew his awkwardness, succeeded in the music business, played as a session musician with many of the big names I'd drool over seeing in concert or even on TV, left the US after watching 9/11 from his bedroom window, travelled the world, and if you had any idea who I am talking about you'd never believe my awkward adolescent story and think really horrible things about me for telling such a ridiculous lie so I'll never tell.

He periodically sends me the sweetest emails where he calls me "Miss Ethel", tells me what a brave and strong person I am, and pretty much makes me swoon with how romantic it is possible for a man to be.

 

He is not my friend, he is an acquaintance. I don't want to meet him offline. That would spoil EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!

[Tess in the Burbs]

I totally agree about reciprocal.  I have a lot of women who have dropped from my life b/c they make/made no effort to do things.  It's always me calling/emailing/planning.  And they will do things with me, but I make the plans. I have figured out some people just aren't planners.  But if you never call or email....I will eventually give up on the friendship assuming they don't care for my company. 

 

I have no rules.  I have friends of different beliefs.  Respect is most important.  I can mention things in my life and no one will say something snide about my thoughts.  And I can respect them and not criticize or give my opinion when it's not needed.  

 

Honestly, these days people are too busy to cultivate IRL friendships.  I would love someone to talk to on the phone or email more regularly.  Not just text.  Someone to get coffee and talk to face to face.  Hard to find these days.  

[Audrey]

This.

 

I had a friend who kept score... You know... "I've called you three times this week and you've only called me once" and so forth. I do not have time for that nonsense. I have a close friend back in the states and our communication varies depending on what's going on in our lives. Sometimes we chat daily by iMessage. Sometimes we don't talk for weeks. But when we do talk again neither of us gets mad at the other for not calling. We do what we can when we can. No strings attached.

 

Agree.

 

I had a "friend" for a while who liked to keep score.  She also had to know every where I went and had to let me know where she was at all times.  I might go to the bigger town because I had to work there that day and she'd get kind of pissy that I didn't tell her I was going (because to her, going to the big town was like a fun outing, even though I was going for work). 

 

Anyway, after a particularly juvenile hissy-fit that I hadn't told her I had gone somewhere with my family over the weekend, I told her "hey, I've had a mother.  She never kept tabs on me like this.  She's dead now, and I think I need to let you know that I'm not taking applications for a new one."

 

After that, she was less pissy, but only for a while.  I just stopped answering texts because I had nothing to say back to "why didn't you tell me?" all the time.  I do have a life to live and I don't need to check in constantly with anyone.  My own husband isn't even that demanding of my whereabouts, so why should I have to explain every facet of my every waking moment to anyone else?

 

Of course... I'm a bad friend, don't you know.  :001_rolleyes:

[Alice]

I agree with many of the things here: reciprocal to some degree, low maintenance, not gossipy/trustworthy. 

 

I'll also add that the two women I am the closest too are ones who I can share the good and the ordinary as well as the bad.

 

A few years ago a friend and I grew apart. We ended up having a conversation about it, for reasons too long to go into here. At the time she made a comment about how she "couldn't be real with someone who wasn't real with her" and in the context of the conversation it meant that she thought I didn't share enough pain and bad stuff. I'm not saying my life is all daisies and perfection but at the time, things were pretty good. One thing she said referred to how she coudln't feel "real" with someone who always said "Good" or "Fine" when asked how they were. After that, I felt this tremendous pressure every time I was around her to find some issue to discuss or "share". And then I realized how stupid that was. It's not real to make up stuff so that she felt like I was real.

 

It's one thing to sugar-coat your life or to tell your friends whose kids are struggling with dyslexia about how your child just finished their 100th book of the summer. It's another to have a friendship where you can listen when they need to share the bad but you can also share the good. Or just talk about your ordinary, everyday life without any major deep struggles to get into. Good can be as real as bad. 

 

I go out for coffee semi-reguarly with my two closest friends (meaning who don't have a fixed date but we try and go out roughly every other week). We see each other times too. Sometimes one of us has something big to talk about and ask for advice or prayer about. Sometimes we spend the whole time dissecting Downton Abbey. Sometimes one of us shares something wonderful one of our kids or husband has done and we can genuinely be happy with each other. To me, that's necessary for real friendship. 

[Audrey]

Oh, and to answer the OP... I don't have any rules that I've really thought about, but there are certainly things that put me off of friends (like the example I posted above).

 

I think, in general, I just don't need friends who are really needy or really gossipy or really selfish.  I don't have time for that, nor do I particularly care to expend energy on that.  Sometimes, though, it takes a while to figure out if a person is like that, and I do find it hard to break off relationships that have gone sour.  I'm not very good at that.  I tend to let things go on too long, and then I tend to be rather unnecessarily harsh when I'm pushed too far.  I often regret it later -- the harshness, not the ending of the relationship. 

[jewellsmommy]

Well, coming out of a 14 yr friendship that I can now see as a little unhealthy...I will not repeat that particular pattern again. I was younger and just a different person then. The unspoken guidelines that I would now need to have respected:

 

 

1. I'm not your spouse, I'm your friend. Don't try to control who I see and when or where I go. Don't guilt me because I was with person B and not with you and I don't owe you an explanation for why I went somewhere. You don't need my itinerary and I sure as heck don't have to explain how I spend my money!

 

2. Respect that I am the parent to my kids. You may think you are God's gift to parenting, but my kids are my kids, no matter how messed up you think they are. By all means, stop them if they want to play in the street or are running with knives, but do not discipline over my shoulder and please don't ever say things like  "It's a good thing he (ds) was given to you all and not to us, because we'd be in jail for child abuse by now." or the dreaded passive aggressive, "Your mama may put up with ____ but I'm not your mama!" said to child in front of me.

 

3. If you want to get together, let's get together, but this is a 2-way street. Don't just tell me you're coming to my house so I can cook for you while you sit around playing on your iphone.

 

4. Lastly, please respect that I am different than you. I have my own limitations and my own strengths. Don't get mad at me for things that I simply can't do.

 

 

Gosh I sound bitter! :lol:  I swear I'm not a mean person or a difficult person. Like I said, I've been doing a lot reflecting about a recent friendship that really worked me over and I can see that now that I'm clear of it. All of my guidelines came from actual situations that I will never repeat again. I don't know why I put up with it in the first place. She wasn't always like that and we had some great moments together, but I will never explain away and overlook that level of crap again. I think my guidelines are quite reasonable and certainly ones that I myself abide by with other people.

[mirth]

They have to have at least one quality which I can readily see and really admire.  Not a skill or talent but some aspect of spirit that I wish I had.  I can't spend time with people I do not inherently admire. 

[Incognito]

Friend or not, I internalized as a child that good manners mean you don't talk about social engagements you have with people who are not a part of them.  I don't get super angry or anything, but I find it rude.  I am surprised at how many people on here don't find it rude.

 

I suppose I have a few depths of friendships - old friends tend to get deeper positions. :)

 

I think my biggest friendship rule is that in order for me to consider being your friend I need to believe you are honest.

[Rosie_0801]

 

After that, she was less pissy, but only for a while.  I just stopped answering texts because I had nothing to say back to "why didn't you tell me?" all the time.  I do have a life to live and I don't need to check in constantly with anyone.  My own husband isn't even that demanding of my whereabouts, so why should I have to explain every facet of my every waking moment to anyone else?

 

 

Heh. I have a friend who thinks he's my older brother even though he is younger than me and nags me more than my mother does. More often than everyone I know put together, I think, since pretty much no one else bothers to nag me. We're friends anyway because we spent an evening arguing over several topics, including his less than stellar financial choices. Then suddenly it was 1am and we all thought we'd had a good time.

 

I don't need to berate people over their financial choices unless they are using my money, but I do need people who can cope with differing opinions. "Thou shalt not say anything that someone might not want to hear" is very exhausting.

[creekland]

I've found some of these very interesting to read.

 

I've never had a friend or even an acquaintance try to be controlling... perhaps I drive them off by my personality? 

 

My kids have pretty much always been great in public - even better than at home  :glare: - so their behavior has never been an issue.  Homeschooling has certainly come up, but I've always been ok answering questions about that and for those of my friends who aren't on board, no one harps on it.  We have discussed pros and cons in the past, but since my guys are now all going to, in, or graduated from college, that just doesn't come up much.  The times my boys were quizzed they loved it and passed with flying colors, so that helped.

 

Health issues?  We all have them at some point or another.  Different friends share in different depths and it's always voluntary.  I even share differently with different friends - as I want to.

 

Ditto that with background... hubby and I took middle son to Baltimore to dinner last night after the soccer game (it's an hour and a half one way trip, but there was this Indian restaurant we wanted to share with him).  He is now heading into his college junior year and I ended up sharing a bit more of my background with him than he had ever heard before.  I told him that even some of my closest friends don't get those stories.  I suspect he's "moving up" (or deeper) into a "friend" category than "son" category.  ;)

 

But I've heard intimate details of some of my friend's lives (current and backgound) - and that's ok.  Many times people need someone to share or vent to.  That's part of being a friend to me.  I absolutely know there are some of my friends I could do the same with if I ever had the need.  For now, hubby and/or my mom fill that slot though.  Not everyone has close folks like that in their family, so friends need to fill the slot.

 

I can't imagine feeling that anyone must or must not share such things.

 

I guess perhaps I'm oblivious and those folks shake their heads at me and move on...  Of course, this isn't necessarily a bad thing!   :lol:

[Guest]

 

 

Idk. I have always taken to heart that adage - to have  a good friend, you have to be a good friend. I really do try to focus on the being, not the having. And I guess I'm lucky in that I have a good ten people in my life who are doing exactly the same thing.

 

I'm glad that's working for you. I tried to live by it for a long time, but I think we can all agree that the fact that I ever found myself in a position where Rule #1 was relevant and necessary is all the proof anyone needs that it didn't work for me.

 

It's been two years and I am still very rigid and inflexible about rule #1. If you violate it, I WILL block your email, refuse to answer your calls, and probably even throw any snail mail letters written on authentic antique Victorian stationary with a calligraphy pen into the trash unread.

 

I'm glad this discussion was started and interested in hearing different ways people handle this. Maybe I'll walk away from it with a Rule #2 and maybe I won't, but I'm sticking to my guns with Rule #1 and I don't care who knows it.

 

Rule #1: No death threats.

[Guest]

"Thou shalt not say anything that someone might not want to hear" is very exhausting.

 

:iagree:

 

I probably could have written the Great American Novel or raised another kid or ex husband with all the energy I've already wasted on it.

 

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

[idnib]

Some of the above, but one not yet mentioned:

 

People who discuss politics loudly in public. I like a good political discussion as much as the next argumentative gal, but if it's in public it has to be quiet. Or loudly in private. No turning heads in cafes and refusing to pipe down while spouting controversial opinions, with which I may even agree!

 

I've only deliberately distanced myself from two friends and one of them was for this reason. The other was cocaine and meth use in a mom and it affected her kids and she was beyond reason.

[kbutton]

I have a hard time with people who will only get together for eating out, shopping, or outside the home playdates. I know few people whose kids are the right ages to play with mine and enjoy it, or else they are really busy, and setting up a playdate is like setting up an international summit. I don't like to spend money--coffee would be fine, but I really can't eat someplace expensive all the time. Unfortunately, these are the primary ways that 90% of the people where I live get to know other people. The other 10% socialize by signing their kids up for evening/weekend scheduled activities, which also doesn't work for us (too many special needs, and my DH's work schedule makes this impossible).

 

I think my number one rule has turned into "you won't move away." All of my good friends are either college friends that have survived the time warp of "we haven't spoken in ages" and can still roll with it the once a year or so that we see them. Or, they moved away from here, and we've lost all contact (various reasons--usually preferring a different mode of communication or trying to nurture too many long distance friendships), so now they are just Christmas card friends.

 

Our life has been one long list of stressors and weird time constraints, and friendships have been a huge casualty. Things are looking up in that area, but it's been a decade of friendship death. One couple that went out of their way to befriend us at a time that we weren't able to reach out a lot moved long distance. She was a phone chatter, and right after they moved, I gave birth to a baby who was seriously high maintenance (and went on to be a high maintenance toddler). She didn't do e-mail, and her best time to talk was when I was not available because my child was screaming. She and her husband both need to nurture relationships with a broad range of folks in their jobs, and I think they just didn't have time to do that in real life while maintaining a close relationship with us long distance when we were essentially unavailable. 

 

I can't do a lot of phone tag. It's rare that I am not home to answer my phone, and if I am home, I answer it. If I can't ever reach you after you leave me a message, you need to keep calling. Maybe that's kind of mean, but I am home nearly all the time. I'm even willing to pencil in a time on my calendar to talk if we can't get together in person, but if you aren't going to be home, don't put the onus on me to catch you at a good time while you are in perpetual motion. If you get itchy feet from staying at home, then invite me to do something that I can realistically do, but text me, OK, and then answer in return so that I don't have to wonder if you got my three messages in response to your initial call.

 

If you don't have time to be friends with me, don't nurture a relationship--just be up front about your limitations. If they are self-imposed limitations, be honest, and please share your google calendar with me or something. If I repeatedly work my butt off trying to think of a time for us to get together only to have you then list sixteen more reasons why that won't work (oh, I do this at 4:00 on Thursdays), I am shooting in the dark for a way to make it work. (I know someone like this, and it's the same story, same song with everyone who tries to get to know her.)