Sleepovers?

[Gentlemommy]

I posted this in another forum, but I'd like more opinions as well....hope it's ok to C & P my own post lol.

 

I'll admit, I can be overprotective about my kids, when it comes to leaving them in someone else's care. That being said, they go to Sunday school (at two churches currently), Awana, and gymnastics classes. They are fine. We haven't really done a whole lot of drop off play dates, simply because most of our friends are also homeschoolers, and we tend to do park play dates where the moms hang out. Dd9 has gone to a sleepover at two friends houses, 1 being my best friend and 2 being a friend I've known since dd was an infant, our girls grew up together as my mom was their nanny for a while.

Anyway, in our new neighborhood, (been here for 7 months), we've become friends with a little girl dd2's age, six. They are always inviting dd2 over for a sleepover and I'm just not there yet. Dd2 is actually an easy going kid, and would probably be fine, but I just don't really see the need for a sleep over. She hasn't ever been comfortable with the idea, and twice we've had to go pick her up from my in laws when she tried to sleep over (with dd1 there as well).

Today was the neighbor girls birthday, and after her party, she invited several friends to stay the night. I had already talked to her mom and declined the sleepover in private. I had talked to dd about it before hand. She said she didn't want to. Of course at the party, the mom and the little girl asked her several times and tried to convince her. Well, dd finally said she wanted to, but I wasn't comfortable with it. I think part of it is the...pushy? Nature of this particular mom and daughter. They are very sweet, but very enthusiastic and continue to press, not just with the sleepover, but with other things. I guess that's why my radar goes off, I don't trust that if dd had an issue, she'd call me. I think she'd try to keep her there and prove she can do it. That she was fine. Does that make sense? With my other two friends, I knew they'd call me if dd1 needed me.

I feel like her mom thinks I'm being 'that weird overprotective sheltering homeschooler' but is it really that common to have six year olds doing sleepovers? I don't remember doing it so young, maybe closer to 10. I actually was exposed to some bad stuff even at that older age, at two sleepovers, with different neighbors. So I understand my perspective may be skewed here...am I denying my child a 'right of passage'?

Aside from the protective aspect, I don't have any desire to deal with the fall out of staying up so late and eating junk half the night.

So, be honest. Am I being mean? Or do I have valid concerns?

[momacacia]

She's your child. You're in charge. You're not mean, you're doing what you think is best for your kid.

 

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm an adult happy to have been raised by an over-protective mother. ;)

[kwg]

I would be seriously annoyed that I had already talked to the mom and she tried to talk my dd into it.  No, you are not denying her of anything- esp at age six!  SHe is still very little. (in my opinion)

[Starr]

The sleep over threads are always full of extreme and often judgmental posts on both sides.  :D

 

 It is not appropriate for an adult to talk a child into anything when the parent has said no. I would never send a child overnight if I felt they wouldn't be comfortable calling home if they wanted. We had limited over nights and none that young. I'm also not a fan of inviting only some of the children to spend the night after a party. How does that make the other girls feel? Trust yourself!

[Dmmetler]

My DD9 has only done sleepovers with one other person (unless you count sharing a room with her cousins when we visit them, they visit us, or we travel together, but all four parents are in the house then) . There's a mom who keeps suggesting it, and honestly, I'm not sure DD could handle being with her kids overnight-she tends to be exhausted even after a couple of hour playdate with them.

 

 

[Alice]

We are ok with sleepovers but 6 seems young to me too. I think the thing that would bother me would be the pushiness more than the invitation. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

I fall on the they can stay anywhere end of the spectrum BUT she is your child and no adult should undermine that.

[StephanieZ]

I think you are perfectly reasonable in your thinking. I think the other mom is out of line pushing/encouraging your dd when you have already said 'No'. 

 

I'd tell the mom one more time, in private, at a sit-down "get together for tea" with the kids out of ear shot . . . That, "Dh and I have a rule that dd2 can't have sleep overs at this time. We will reconsider it when she is 10. Please do not invite her or discuss it with her again, and please let your dd know this as well. Thank you for respecting our family's rules. Now, pass that delicious bean dip!"

 

End of discussion. If the mom is so clueless as to not relent after a very clear message, then I'd end the friendship, b/c that isn't someone I'd want around my kid. 

 

I've had friends with all sorts of random rules, and we all have always respected each other's funny rules. It's just simple respect. 

[G5052]

I'd be troubled by the manipulation more than anything.  When an adult oversteps that way, I'm very leery.  Some years ago an adult did that with my oldest multiple times, going even deeper than you experienced, and I had to flat out tell them that our DC could not be friends.  I didn't like the adult overstepped, and frankly my DC didn't like their offspring that much either.

 

We didn't do sleepovers unless it was a family emergency until mine were teens, and only when they had proven themselves responsible and discerning.

 

Every family's standards are different though, and I respect that.

 

[J-rap]

I think it was very inappropriate for the mother to try and convince your daughter.  I also think 6 is too young.   (Unless it's with cousins or grandma and grandpa or some special circumstance.)  No one did it that young when I was growing up.  Sometimes I think parents have become so excited about their children doing things that they (the parents) think of as fun, that they are pushing their children to do it earlier and earlier.

 

I think you can just set an age right now as the standing rule...  "No sleepovers until 12.  Period."  That's what you can tell your children, and that's what they can tell their friends and their friends' parents.  My kids never liked sleepovers so they were relieved when we set a rule like this in place.  Actually, even at age 12 my kids usually didn't want to sleep over. 

[zoobie]

The child being enthusiastic I can understand, but the mom pressuring her is weird. No means no, people.

 

I guess this is a good opportunity to teach your DD about peer pressure and standing up for herself. No thank you, then go home/leave when the person doesn't respect your decision.

 

Have you told the mom "Thank you for the invitation, but we are not ready for sleepovers?" If you have told her no AND DD has told her no, that's even weirder. Boundaries!

 

Some 6 year olds spend the night. Some don't. It's young, but pressuring repeatedly at ANY age is inappropriate.

[Just Kate]

I have let my 6yo dd go to a few sleepovers (one with our next door neighbor and one with a school/church friend). However, I would be quite peeved to learn that an adult was trying to talk my dd into doing something - especially something that is already discussed withe the mother! I wouldn't feel guilty at all for not allowing my dd to stay over. She is 6, it really isn't that big of a deal.

[NorthwestMom]

 

 It is not appropriate for an adult to talk a child into anything when the parent has said no. 

 

Who cares about the sleepovers? This  ^  is the real problem with the neighbor.  I'd be angry with anyone who knew I declined something on behalf of my child and then approached the child directly anyway. I will NOT be bypassed.

[Tap]

We do what our kids call 'mock sleepovers'.  The kids get dressed in jammies, drag out the blankets, pile in to the living room for a movie/popcorn etc, and then go home about 10pm. (roughly an hour past normal bedtime or once the movie is over)  

 

I just explain to the adults that we don't do overnight sleepovers until age 10, but still like to have the fun part.  The parents in our neighborhood are always game for this because the kids can pretty much have a mock sleepover on a whim, without one family having to worry about it affecting the following days plans or having to deal with someone's kids crying in the middle of the night.  

 

By having the alternative, it seems to relieve some of the disappointment and still leave some room for fun.  Even after age 10 when we do allow sleepovers, the kids still often had mock sleepovers just for the fun part without the obligation of an all-nighter. 

[Kathryn]

The mother was entirely inappropriate, no matter what someone's policy is on sleepovers. I don't think I'd feel comfortable sending my child to her house at all if she deliberately undermines your authority and your child's feelings like that.

[MercyA]

You're not being overprotective.  There's no way I'd allow a sleepover in those circumstances and at that age.  As other posters have noted, the pushiness and disregard for your and your child's decisions are worrisome.  I don't think I'd be comfortable letting my child go inside that particular friend's house without me there.

 

I was exposed to some bad things at slumber parties, too.  Had we had access to the internet, too, I'm sure it would have been worse.

[*Alyssa*]

In my home, my children are taught that when someone tells you, "No!", you respect their answer.  I would be absolutely peeved if my neighbor already knew my answer about the sleepover and still tried to change my mind through the pleading of an innocent little girl.   I'm certain the mother meant well, but this shows me a lack of maturity in respecting boundaries, which then brings the safety of my child into question while in her care.

I used to be that mother, so I'm not criticizing her in a hypocritical way.  I've since grown up more and matured to realize how disrespectful I was towards people who had boundaries and I'd try to upsurp them to my own advantage.  I always meant well, but that doesn't change the fact I was very immature and wrong for doing it.  Looking back, I feel absolutely awful and embarrasssed I ever did that to people.  I give grace to people like this, because I remember who I once was, but it doesn't change the fact one needs to learn to respect the boundaries of others.  I'm thankful to those people who held firm with me, because it taught me lessons I needed to learn.

Is six years old too young?  In my home, age is irrelevant when it comes to sleepovers, because if anyone is allowed to have my children over for a sleepover, they are people we already trust with the key to our home.  My children have far more value to me than the key to my home (thus, all my possessions), so if I can trust someone with the key to my house, only then are they trusted with what I value the most in life (my children).

[*Alyssa*]

We do what our kids call 'mock sleepovers'.  The kids get dressed in jammies, drag out the blankets, pile in to the living room for a movie/popcorn etc, and then go home about 10pm. (roughly an hour past normal bedtime or once the movie is over)  

 

I just explain to the adults that we don't do overnight sleepovers until age 10, but still like to have the fun part.  The parents in our neighborhood are always game for this because the kids can pretty much have a mock sleepover on a whim, without one family having to worry about it affecting the following days plans or having to deal with someone's kids crying in the middle of the night.  

 

By having the alternative, it seems to relieve some of the disappointment and still leave some room for fun.  Even after age 10 when we do allow sleepovers, the kids still often had mock sleepovers just for the fun part without the obligation of an all-nighter. 

 

This is a good idea!  I may do this in the near future.  Thanks for the idea, Tap! 

[MomtoCandJ]

Dd1 has had her friends stay here a lot but has only survived one whole at a friend's house (like in January) other wise just at inlaws house. Oh and dd1 is 5

[QueenCat]

 is it really that common to have six year olds doing sleepovers? I don't remember doing it so young, maybe closer to 10. I actually was exposed to some bad stuff even at that older age, at two sleepovers, with different neighbors. So I understand my perspective may be skewed here...am I denying my child a 'right of passage'?

Aside from the protective aspect, I don't have any desire to deal with the fall out of staying up so late and eating junk half the night.

So, be honest. Am I being mean? Or do I have valid concerns?

 

My kids did more sleepovers when they were 5-7ish than 10 but they are boys. I remember having sleep overs at a young age too but kept doing them on a regular basis through middle school. Based on my experiences, and what I've seen among my friends, I think it is perfectly normal to do sleepovers at the age of 6. However, only you and your dh can decide what is good for your girls. I also don't think it's cool that the mom tried to talk your dd into it, after having been told "no" by you. One thought on "none" until 10 is that hard lined rules leave no room for flexibility.

[catz]

I personally think 6 is young for sleepovers except with grandparents, etc. Neither of my kids were having them until about 8 nor were we turning down invitations for them. And I don't consider myself overprotective at all. My oldest kid was in a large urban public school for K and 1st. He got invited to tons of parties but no sleepovers. About a month ago, dd had her first sleepover with a family I knew, but not intimately for years. Both my kids are pretty outgoing now and would not be shy if they needed something or something was wrong.

 

I would just say, oh sorry, we have other plans for the morning (even if that's just enjoying each other as a family) and that won't work out.

[Joanne]

I very relaxed send liberal on this and related topics in comparison to the collective culture of this board.

 

And I think your perspective on activities and sleepovers is reasonable and fine!

 

The mom and dd in the picture ARE pushy. They crossed boundaries that I would take a firm line against.

 

I remember trying to respond to the "homeschooler" filter. It does add to the anxiety.

 

I'd watch the friendship closely but at this point continue to allow it.

[Soror]

We dont have any specific rules here for sleepovers but I think 6 is on the young end. My kids have slept at the grandparents starting from about 3+ but none have done any with anyone else at this point. My ds hosted his first sleepover recently, he's 9.5, he'd be fine staying the night with someone now but he hasn't had any invites yet. One boy wasn't ready to sleep over so he just came to play for awhile, another boy turned down the offer- I think he doesn't do sleepovers- not sure if it was due to the age or that they didn't know us enough or approve. I think my (almost) 7 yo would be ok if it was with my good friend that she knows very well and my dd 4 might be ok with her as well, as she just adores my bff. It seems sleepover camps around here start around 4th-5th grade. Anyway, as pps have said pushing any kid, especially such a young kid into it would really bother me, no matter the age and I think that you are well within the range of 'normal' fwiw.

 

Fwiw I think I started sleepovers around 3rd-4th grade with friends but I'm not sure.

[Catwoman]

I would be seriously annoyed that I had already talked to the mom and she tried to talk my dd into it. No, you are not denying her of anything- esp at age six! SHe is still very little. (in my opinion)

:iagree:

 

And I would be having a firm talk with the mom about the situation. She was way out of line. How dare she try to intimidate your little girl into staying for a sleepover that you'd already declined??? (And as far as I'm concerned, an adult asking a six year-old "several times" does qualify as intimidation, even if she acts sweet about it. The fact that you weren't there when she did it makes it even worse.)

 

Honestly, I'm not at all sure that your child should be in that family's house without you, knowing that the mom completely disrespects and disregards your decisions.

 

You don't go behind a mom's back to get her child to do something she has been told she can't do. Period.

[Jerico]

One problem is definitely the other mom not respecting the fact that you and your daughter said no- Even if she is just being kind. It's rude to continually ask and bug dd.

 

As for us, I don't see the point of sleepovers right now- except for grandparents. I may change my mind when they are older. If its a right of passage, it's for an older age, IMO.

 

Always, always, always go with your gut. The fact that you are on her asking and questioning shows that you are not comfortable with it.

[Lisbeth]

Who cares about the sleepovers? This ^ is the real problem with the neighbor. I'd be angry with anyone who knew I declined something on behalf of my child and then approached the child directly anyway. I will NOT be bypassed.

This. If she'll do this, she will overstep your rules in other ways most likely. Their insistence is edging into creepy behavoir.

[LucyStoner]

For my older son 9 was our age for allowing non-family sleepovers. He has one friend who he does sleepovers with, about once a month. We have known the family for a total of 1.75 years and the sleepovers started about 4-5 months into the friendship. The boys are the same age and were both closer to 10 than 9. We just had a sleepover here last night. I think 6 is too young for my kids honestly and more importantly this neighbor needs to respect your answer and not push it.

 

Family is a different story. My sons occasionally sleep over with their cousins or or vice versa or an overnight with grandma and grandpa. That started at a few years old. We do have one set of friends who are close enough to be family so there were some earlier sleepovers with them but that was usually a function of parental need and not child party...like mama's in labor with little brother or sister. But these folks are essentially the same if not better than family so it falls into the family catagory.

[Gentlemommy]

Thanks ladies! I think the pushing was what made me uncomfortable. It was all said kindly, like "Are you suuuuuure?" Or "Did you change your mind?" Or "Child ABC would really love it if your stayed!" But still, it was after I'd spoken to her privately. This isn't the first time they've asked about sleepovers, and not the first time I've declined. I've always responded with "We aren't ready for those yet" However, she knows my older dd (9 in one week) spent the night at a friends house (this is the family my mom nannied for for 5 years, and my dd and hers grew up together) recently. In that family, mom and dad are separated, so only mom was home with the girls. I have no doubt she would cal me, plus dd1 is older and more sure of herself in asking for a phone to make a call to me. Anyway, I think her knowing we allowed. A sleepover for my oldest daughter makes her believe we will allow it/are comfortable with it for my middle dd now, hence the insistence. I think I'll set an age, like 9, and leave it at that. That way it's clear and perhaps they can stop asking. :-/

[Aspasia]

We do what our kids call 'mock sleepovers'.  The kids get dressed in jammies, drag out the blankets, pile in to the living room for a movie/popcorn etc, and then go home about 10pm. (roughly an hour past normal bedtime or once the movie is over)  

 

I just explain to the adults that we don't do overnight sleepovers until age 10, but still like to have the fun part.  The parents in our neighborhood are always game for this because the kids can pretty much have a mock sleepover on a whim, without one family having to worry about it affecting the following days plans or having to deal with someone's kids crying in the middle of the night.  

 

By having the alternative, it seems to relieve some of the disappointment and still leave some room for fun.  Even after age 10 when we do allow sleepovers, the kids still often had mock sleepovers just for the fun part without the obligation of an all-nighter.

 

We have a no-sleepover policy and this is going to be our "consolation prize". It's just not worth it to us. I've heard too many awful stories from sleepovers. For little kids, I worry about the obvious risk of sexual abuse (could be by parents, siblings, friends at the party). And for older kids, well, kids do really dumb things at sleepovers. I was not exactly a trouble maker as a kid, but we did used to sneak out and go toilet papering--yeah, a bunch of 13-year-old girls wandering the streets at 2:00 in the morning. Awesome.

 

So, like a pp said, it's just easier for us to be very clear that we don't do any sleepovers at all. Then we don't have to negotiate each and every one. I'm surprised how many sleepover invitations dd has had, starting when she was about 5. We have just told her that our family rule is no sleepovers. Period. But she's excited about having "late nights" at our house. And she's welcome to go to other slumber parties...until 10:00 (or whatever time we decide is appropriate for her age), when we will pick her up.

 

As for op's situation, like everyone else has said, this is a massive crossing of the line. It's unfair to you, and it's unfair to your dd, who had to be in the middle of a big group of friends, being pressured--by an ADULT--to agree to something her mom had already said no to. Amazing.

[Catwoman]

Thanks ladies! I think the pushing was what made me uncomfortable. It was all said kindly, like "Are you suuuuuure?" Or "Did you change your mind?" Or "Child ABC would really love it if your stayed!" But still, it was after I'd spoken to her privately. This isn't the first time they've asked about sleepovers, and not the first time I've declined. I've always responded with "We aren't ready for those yet" However, she knows my older dd (9 in one week) spent the night at a friends house (this is the family my mom nannied for for 5 years, and my dd and hers grew up together) recently. In that family, mom and dad are separated, so only mom was home with the girls. I have no doubt she would cal me, plus dd1 is older and more sure of herself in asking for a phone to make a call to me. Anyway, I think her knowing we allowed. A sleepover for my oldest daughter makes her believe we will allow it/are comfortable with it for my middle dd now, hence the insistence. I think I'll set an age, like 9, and leave it at that. That way it's clear and perhaps they can stop asking. :-/

First of all, the fact that you allowed your 9yo to attend a sleepover has nothing at all to do with this. Even if you'd allowed your 9yo to go backpacking in Europe all alone, it would have nothing to do with this.

 

The issue isn't the sleepover.

 

The issue is that you told the mom NO, yet she still tried to talk your dd into doing it anyway.

 

Forget about making age rules for sleepovers. Why should you have to create a new family rule just so this idiot woman will be appeased???

 

Focus on the actual problem and have a firm discussion with the woman. She needs to know that when you say something, you mean it, and it is not up for any further discussion. Period. She also needs a reminder that you are the one who sets the rules for your own child and that she doesn't get a say in that.

 

If you don't talk to the mom about her highly inappropriate behavior, don't assume that setting an age limit for sleepovers is going to solve your problem with her, as you are very likely to experience the same type of problem with her again over some other issue.

[Luanne]

Children need sleep.  Sleepovers do not actually include sleep.  I don't blame you one bit for not letting your 6 year old sleepover.  That is very young.

 

Edited to add: the only sleepovers my daughter did when she was a child (until about age 12) were with family members out of convenience.

[NoseInABook]

The pushing is what would bother me the most. We just allowed our 6 year old to have her first sleepover with her best friend this weekend. My gut said it was 100% fine, we know the family very well and have been friends for years. Her child has spent the night at our house before. There's a good relationship and trust established. So I was comfortable with it though my mama heart wanted to cry a little at reaching that milestone!

 

Would I let her spend the night with it being a situation like you posted about? No way in heck. If anything sends up red flags, you have every right to say absolutely not. Go ahead and let them think you're an overprotective homeschooler, you know what is right for your child better than anyone else does.

[abba12]

I don't have too much issue with sleepovers provided we know the family well, so it would be case by case basis 

 

Having said that, it doesn't matter if my kids went to sleepovers every weekend, if I told a parent NO, and that parent proceeded to try and talk my daughter into it, going around me and my decision, that parent would not have unsupervised time with my child ever again. Making my child excited about something I already told her she could not do, going around my authority, is not on at all. For me, I would not allow DD there alone again. If it was a party, I would stay with her, and I might invite her friend to our home, but she has just shown me that she has no respect for me as a parent and authority over my own child, and that what I say goes in regards to my child's activities. 

 

I wouldn't want to risk her pushing DD into other things she knows she may not do. Plus, I've experienced parents who disagree with homeschooling, as she seems to, spend time when homeschooled kids are at their home without parents saying things like 'wouldn't you like to be around friends all day? It must be so lonely at home' and 'We do all sorts of fun stuff at school, I bet you'd like to visit for a day wouldn't you' and other manipulative things to get the child unhappy at home. When I was a kid one of my good friends mothers did this with me. Kids are impressionable, so if I get any vibe from a parent that they do not respect me, my rules and my choices for my child, I do not allow my child unsupervised with them.