PeacefulChaos Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 ETA: This was posted a couple of days ago and they aren't posting annoying stuff any more. It goes in spurts here and there lol... Please understand that this is more about the specific trend I've seen off and on through the years with a specific group of people I know IRL than any sort of mass 'judgment' on this sort of thing in general. Original: This is a major vent and a bit of a JAWM - just so you go in prepared. So... maybe this is just something that only happens in the 'circles I run in' so to speak... but I'm so. freaking. tired. of constantly seeing moms posting to other moms how 'motherhood is so under appreciated but it's the Most Important Thing.' :glare: Actually, I disagree with that. I don't think that parenting at all is the most important thing - not for everyone anyway. I also don't buy into the idea that motherhood is somehow the 'highest calling'. I don't think children are the most important thing in the parents' world. Or that they should be, anyway. I don't think motherhood is under appreciated. For pity's sake, I've seen at least 5 things about that VERY thing in the last 2 days on FB!! So CLEARLY.... :banghead: I know this is just part of the culture where I live for some reason. A few years ago in our mom's book club at church read this book that was written for moms, talking about how 'what you're doing is important even if you aren't getting applauded for it - God is applauding you!' :ack2: First off, that's such a cheesy sentiment... Second, and most importantly IMO - WHAT THE HELL makes you think that you deserve applause? (general you) How self centered are we that we feel like, in order for our lives to be meaningful, we have to be getting applause and recognition for it?! WTH?!?! That same sentiment is what I see behind all these 'motherhood goes unnoticed and unappreciated' type things... if you (general) are THAT unhappy with your role as a mother, MAYBE you need to walk OUTSIDE your house and try to DO something else?! Seriously - not that being a parent is UNimportant - but if you really love it as much as you say you do, don't post things on Facebook for you and 'all the other moms out there' about how awesome you all are even though no one notices. Stop playing a martyr and posting things to validate yourself. Ugh. I hate this trend. Seriously. It makes me want to yell at all the people ON Facebook... so I'm here, venting, instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Vent away!!! :) And remember, everyone, Kara did include the All-Important JAWM Designation in her post, so please play nicely! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 it's just a symptom of a wider problem. (i find this same type of thing in MANY areas. including working moms wanting reassurance they aren't bad for putting their kids in daycare.) people are insecure in who they are and their choices and they want someone to pat them on the head and tell them they made the right choice. (which doesn't work btw.) the 'if I stick my head up it will get whacked' paranoia. if they were confident in who they are and the choices they've made, they wouldn't give a hoot what anyone else thought. (and they wouldn't need to be patted on the head.) maybe this is where everyone must get a participation award has led us. I hated those things then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I am not sure why people do that. Maybe they are just having a really rough time and need some TLC. Is it OK if I say parenting is the greatest gift I've received, though? :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 For some people it is insecurity -- short term or long term For others it is part of that popular sport Competitive Motherhood or Competitive Parenting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 For some people it is insecurity -- short term or long term For others it is part of that popular sport Competitive Motherhood or Competitive Parenting. my brother is very competitive. knows 'everything' etc. i finally realized it was because there is deep insecurity. many of the most competitive people I know, are actually insecure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trinchick Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I agree! I think that some of the need for validation may stem from the fact that the day to day activities of a parent - when taken as individual acts - may feel/seem trivial. Boy, can I pour a mean glass of juice! Did you see how well I balanced Junior's meals today so he got the perfect number of veggie servings? I think it helps some people to (repeatedly) put it into a larger context as being the world's most important job. My question: if we're spending about 20 years of our lives actively parenting minors (give or take a few years based on individual family composition), then say that's about 20% of our whole lives. How is it that only 20% of our lives can be dedicated to "The Most Important Thing?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I guess it can be annoying if it is a constant "pat me on the back" kind of thing. But I appreciate the sentiment behind it. We live in a culture that treats women who stay at home with their kids like they are invisible and that they don't have value. How many times have I had people turn their back on me because I don't have "a real job?" I am a college educated woman who had a career before kids, but I cannot possibly have something interesting to offer because I am "just a homemaker." I have taken comfort in the fact that I had an identity as a homeschooling mom. However, that may be coming to an end. Couple the "at home mom" with "being over 50" and I am completely invisible and unimportant as far as this world is concerned. While I didn't stay home by choice (my 2nd son turned out to have some special needs - my gut told me to be home long before we had a diagnosis), I have not regretted a minute of it. And I do feel that what I have done these last 20 years has been much more important than anything I did before then (helping someone else make lots of money in my corporate job) or anything I will do afterwards (unless I cure cancer or something.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdrinca Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I think I'd be more sympathetic to this view if were coupled with a sense that parenting is a vocation and something that should be done well. Or, maybe that being a human is some inspired calling and that we should all strive to live our lives better. I do think that if we offer more social supports for parents (extended parental leave, parental credits, etc) this phenomenon would diminish. I think part of the problem is that many women feel marginalized economically. (I'm speaking to the U.S. experience.)So, for example, if I were to do what I do as a hands-on parent as a nanny for another family, given the area where we live, I could add 50K to our family income. That's not insignificant. Instead, I'm offering zero obvious economic benefits to the family, plus in some circles I'm considered a drag on the family resources. And interestingly, among our SF Bay Area friends, it's an important point to make that you're a SAHM by choice, not by poor job prospects. ETA: In my personal experience, I've found troubling changes of attitudes toward me from professionals (doctors, especially) once they find out that I have a math-based doctorate and/or spent many years at a well-known research institution. No one has said "oh, I thought you were just a mom, I didn't realize you were smart, too," but that subtext is there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I guess I don't care if people think I have value. But I might be weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 I haven't noticed this. Of course I mostly avoid people and Facebook especially. I think stuff like Facebook is this sort of "look at me" platform. People often attempt to portray their lives and going ons as if it is so perfect and fascinating. Even waiting at the bus stop is enthralling. I got so used to posting things while I was in Thailand - I had a plethora of choices, but kept my Instagramming to 1-2 per day - that when I came home I had gotten used to it. It took me a couple days to remember that normal life isn't quite as exciting as that picture of me with the little elephant or as humorous as the sign saying 'Buy the Ticket Foreigner'!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I'm with everyone on this one because I think we're talking two sides of the same coin. Mothers are either undervalued and unappreciated or they're put on some ridiculous Precious Moments pedestal like a saint. I'd be happy with something in the middle. Respect for our chosen vocation and the skills it demands would be great. I do NOT want the kind of patronizing adoration the gets printed on coffee mugs and posted on Facebook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I don't think I seek validation from the masses, but an occasional pat on the back from someone who's opinion I value certainly feels good. My husband gets performance reviews and bonuses and patent awards; he gets a steady steam of validation, I assume because his business has found it to be motivating. I, on the other hand, get covered in bodily fluids on a daily basis. Biologically speaking, rearing our young is the most important job for the survival of the species...all I'm looking for is someone to say, "Good job keeping them alive so far. We're all counting on you." Wendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Hey, when it comes to my youngest, I really DO want someone to say, "good job keeping that one alive"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I guess I don't care if people think I have value. But I might be weird. I feel the same way. I used to care, but I stepped off that merry-go-round awhile go and haven't looked back (much!). I've been much happier since then. Then again, I can totally see living my post-kid years on a farm in the middle of nowhere, just me and my chickens and goats, so that may play into it a bit :lol: I think stuff like Facebook is this sort of "look at me" platform. People often attempt to portray their lives and going ons as if it is so perfect and fascinating. Even waiting at the bus stop is enthralling. :iagree: I have a grudging relationship with Facebook. There are some things I just wish I didn't know about people! I got so used to posting things while I was in Thailand - I had a plethora of choices, but kept my Instagramming to 1-2 per day - that when I came home I had gotten used to it. It took me a couple days to remember that normal life isn't quite as exciting as that picture of me with the little elephant or as humorous as the sign saying 'Buy the Ticket Foreigner'!! Now, see, those are the kinds of things I actually LIKE to see on FB/Instagram! I like the kid pictures, the snapshot of your lives, the funny pictures of things you see and do. I could totally live without the hourly uplifting sayings, the overly simplified health-related exhortations, the "don't you dare disagree with me in the comments!" posts about controversial things that you're "just sayin'", and yes, the pleas for validation. I wish there was a way to filter FB by keyword, like "vax" or "motherhood" or "food allergies"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I don't think I seek validation from the masses, but an occasional pat on the back from someone who's opinion I value certainly feels good. My husband gets performance reviews and bonuses and patent awards; he gets a steady steam of validation, I assume because his business has found it to be motivating. I, on the other hand, get covered in bodily fluids on a daily basis. Biologically speaking, rearing our young is the most important job for the survival of the species...all I'm looking for is someone to say, "Good job keeping them alive so far. We're all counting on you." Wendy Hey, when it comes to my youngest, I really DO want someone to say, "good job keeping that one alive"! :grouphug: Good job, mamas. Someday you will look back and laugh, and someday they will truly understand what you did for them. (Or so I keep telling myself, as I sit here listening to 10 more minutes of "flute" being played through a plastic bendy straw.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Now, see, those are the kinds of things I actually LIKE to see on FB/Instagram! I like the kid pictures, the snapshot of your lives, the funny pictures of things you see and do. I could totally live without the hourly uplifting sayings, the overly simplified health-related exhortations, the "don't you dare disagree with me in the comments!" posts about controversial things that you're "just sayin'", and yes, the pleas for validation. I wish there was a way to filter FB by keyword, like "vax" or "motherhood" or "food allergies"! For you: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I haven't noticed this. Of course I mostly avoid people and Facebook especially. I think stuff like Facebook is this sort of "look at me" platform. People often attempt to portray their lives and going ons as if it is so perfect and fascinating. Even waiting at the bus stop is enthralling. but, but, you mean it isn't? what about that bus stop song? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Kara, Can you clue me in on your comment about food allergies? I get vaccine debates, and the motherhood platitudes that people are talking about but I am not sure I get the food allergies one- just don't like being clueless. I comment on this simply because I rarely post on Facebook but do read or glance through other people's posts more. I do have a dd with life threatening food allergies so I am getting food allergy posts from a facebook food allergy group. I joined that but I don't forward their posts to others because I don't know who else would care. I probably did post a few times about her scary anaphalactic shocks to my friends after we have come back from the ER or something like that but Is that the kind of thing you are talking about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Kara, Can you clue me in on your comment about food allergies? I get vaccine debates, and the motherhood platitudes that people are talking about but I am not sure I get the food allergies one- just don't like being clueless. I comment on this simply because I rarely post on Facebook but do read or glance through other people's posts more. I do have a dd with life threatening food allergies so I am getting food allergy posts from a facebook food allergy group. I joined that but I don't forward their posts to others because I don't know who else would care. I probably did post a few times about her scary anaphalactic shocks to my friends after we have come back from the ER or something like that but Is that the kind of thing you are talking about? I think you mean me. No, I'm sorry, I was referring to the "going around on Facebook" posts that totally oversimplify something like food allergies--the pat lists about why our grandparents didn't have food allergies and our kids do, that kind of thing. Nothing personal at all. My youngest is sensitive to food dyes, I'm extremely gluten sensitive, and many of our friends have sensitivities or outright allergies. I would never begrudge anyone personal posts about such complex issues. I just hate the shares that distill the issue down to playing in the dirt and GMOs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 For you: Argh! I can't get them to open up! I really want to see them too. I love that you traveled to such a faraway and "uncivilized" place by yourself. If I could find a way to get myself on a plane, I would love to start traveling again! Thank you for sharing with me. If you can figure out what's wrong, I'd love to see the bigger photos. If you can't, I'll just enjoy the thumbnails :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Argh! I can't get them to open up! I really want to see them too. I love that you traveled to such a faraway and "uncivilized" place by yourself. If I could find a way to get myself on a plane, I would love to start traveling again! Thank you for sharing with me. If you can figure out what's wrong, I'd love to see the bigger photos. If you can't, I'll just enjoy the thumbnails :D Oh no! They work for me when I click on them... :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I guess I am a fence sitter, too. I have no desire for fawning adoration over my choice to stay home and parent, and I really would usually like to be left to judge myself on how well I am doing staying at home taking care of our kids or what the value is of raising children. And I agree that there are a LOT of things in the world that are extremely important, not just child rearing. I used to have a career that I loved and I do miss that. Going back now is not even remotely an option, but there are days that I wish I could, not just because I enjoyed doing it, but because I understood it and was pretty good at it. And I had respect and some control and a sense that I was contributing to the bigger picture. It was hard work, but not like what I do now. I love my kids very much, and I am grateful that homeschooling was even an option for us, or I am not certain where we would be now. But I have never worked harder or longer trying to homeschool two kids who are bright but have special needs than I have in any other "job" setting. Working this hard every single day, frequently with no clear answers or path, using all my resources to come up with answers and to be an effective parent and instructor, and then professionals that used to respect my abilities and even family members who believed I had a brain now treating me like I am not all that bright or really pretty lazy or see my choice as just wanting to kick back and take a break can be a bit hard to take. Seeing all the accolades and support that DH gets, working in the same field that I did, and seeing how much he is respected and listened to on a daily basis, while I am now assumed to be "just the mom" can make it a somewhat frustrating and demoralizing situation. Thankfully, I don't need pats on the back and I don't need someone glorifying my mothering abilities or motherhood in general to give me a feeling of self worth. But it can still be a difficult road to be on...I can understand why some would need the additional reinforcement to help bolster themselves and I don't mind giving it to them. Parenting IS important, even if it isn't the only thing that is important. I can't stand Facebook, though, so I don't get on. Maybe this situation is worse on Facebook than IRL? I guess that could get really annoying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I like the exotic expat photos as well as the bus stop updates on FB. I like to see cute kids, the pix of your dinner, and I am glad there wasn't a long line at the bank. ;) I'm sorry. lol PS I do ignore Candy Crush invites. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Some people do need validation like they need the air they breathe. For them the facebook posts are a way of getting it. My oldest needs a constant stream of validation. When she was 8 she would sing the alphabet song when she wanted someone to tell her good job. It was hard to explain to her that the alphabet song gets validation for a 3yo, lol. She posts a new selfie several times a day on facebook to get validation now. It drives me nuts, but she can't stay off facebook. For some of the people posting these things staying home without performance reviews and things at work that give them validation is very difficult. After all, our whole culture is about self esteem. People who need words of affirmation for happiness try to squeeze them out of social media. It can be painful for the rest of us to watch, but they just don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 As others have said, when you are at work your boss thanks you, gives you occasional appreciation or bonuses. Now I have a 7 yo who occasionally thanks me for clean undies in the drawer or making his favourite dinner it's nice, but there's around six years of nothing in there. My love languages are quality time closely followed by words of affirmation or appreciation or whatever. Ideally it would be nice if they came from our dh where there is one but for mine he just got a whole lot less of me after kids so he didn't have much appreciation. Soppy Facebook platitudes might not be the way to go, but I think an overall change in social attitudes to acknowledge mums real contribution would be great. For me the best encouragement came from btdt mums who know something of where you are at. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 It's the same way I feel about the term "Home Executive." :rolleyes: The lady doth protest too much methinks. Really, though, if you look at all the tasks a mom does as jobs, none of those jobs are "oooh! how interesting and well-compensated!" Professional cooks, professional cleaning ladies and professional daycare/nanny workers I strongly suspect get a similar response. Maybe if you're a chef at the Ritz-Carlton or the swanky 5-star restaurant in town, but other than that, no one would be asking people in those professions, "So, what do you think about what happened in the Senate today?! Oooh, you're a surgeon, how smart you much be! You save people's lives! Oh, you're a CEO? How rich you must be! Tell us about your latest European vacation and your most successful business strategy to date." Hence, the need to overcompensate. The SAHM has chosen on average 3 of the least appreciated job positions in society, combined them into a 24/7 job (except for ladies night out) and has chosen to receive no pay for it. Of course she's miserable, and she's trying to convince herself that she's not by calling herself a "Home Executive" and saying that she's doing The Most Important Job IN THE WORLD. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I don't think I seek validation from the masses, but an occasional pat on the back from someone who's opinion I value certainly feels good. My husband gets performance reviews and bonuses and patent awards; he gets a steady steam of validation, I assume because his business has found it to be motivating. I, on the other hand, get covered in bodily fluids on a daily basis. Biologically speaking, rearing our young is the most important job for the survival of the species...all I'm looking for is someone to say, "Good job keeping them alive so far. We're all counting on you." Wendy Hey, when it comes to my youngest, I really DO want someone to say, "good job keeping that one alive"! You guys will hear it one day. I have heard a few times that it is a miracle my ds15 has lasted this long and I must be doing something right. More often I get the comment of "and this is why animals eat their young" after someone has had to do my job for a while taking care of my crew lol At my jobs I get performance reviews, praise/validation for a job well done, or my effort at least being put out, raises etc. Generally speaking you don't hear anything about your job parenting unless your kid has screwed up and then you get to hear the litany of all you have ever done wrong as a parent leading up to your child's screw up. Because if your kid does something wrong it is all your fault. SO why then if you are putting so much effort into raising your kids and tending the home etc is it wrong to hear praise/validation? I do think that raising kids is the most important thing you do in your life. My childhood and adolescent years sure didn't matter in the bigger picture. Working at whatever job until retirement and then staying home sure doesn't matter. Raising my children to be contributing members of society, to be the ones that keep our country going as they enter the workforce, to be the ones working hard raising their own kids etc for continuation of a civil society rather than letting them tend themselves and grow up to be little more than animals is the most important thing I do in my life. Even if I am working fulltime outside the home raising my children to be good people is STILL the most important thing in my life. But at least then I get a chunk of my day with positive interactions/validation etc even if not about parenting. It still makes me feel better about myself which makes me a better person over all. So what is the big deal giving that praise/validation to those that would never get it from other sources. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 As others have said, when you are at work your boss thanks you, gives you occasional appreciation or bonuses. Now I have a 7 yo who occasionally thanks me for clean undies in the drawer or making his favourite dinner it's nice, but there's around six years of nothing in there. My love languages are quality time closely followed by words of affirmation or appreciation or whatever. Ideally it would be nice if they came from our dh where there is one but for mine he just got a whole lot less of me after kids so he didn't have much appreciation. Soppy Facebook platitudes might not be the way to go, but I think an overall change in social attitudes to acknowledge mums real contribution would be great. For me the best encouragement came from btdt mums who know something of where you are at. Now this is something I hadn't thought of. I don't care one whit about words of affirmation (personally, I mean! Like, for me! :) ) - my love language is gifts. I don't want gifts given with a dumb platitude, either ;) but I'll happily take a gift any time. :D So maybe these people who need to hear this stuff are more 'words of affirmation' people? Hmm... You guys will hear it one day. I have heard a few times that it is a miracle my ds15 has lasted this long and I must be doing something right. More often I get the comment of "and this is why animals eat their young" after someone has had to do my job for a while taking care of my crew lol At my jobs I get performance reviews, praise/validation for a job well done, or my effort at least being put out, raises etc. Generally speaking you don't hear anything about your job parenting unless your kid has screwed up and then you get to hear the litany of all you have ever done wrong as a parent leading up to your child's screw up. Because if your kid does something wrong it is all your fault. SO why then if you are putting so much effort into raising your kids and tending the home etc is it wrong to hear praise/validation? I do think that raising kids is the most important thing you do in your life. My childhood and adolescent years sure didn't matter in the bigger picture. Working at whatever job until retirement and then staying home sure doesn't matter. Raising my children to be contributing members of society, to be the ones that keep our country going as they enter the workforce, to be the ones working hard raising their own kids etc for continuation of a civil society rather than letting them tend themselves and grow up to be little more than animals is the most important thing I do in my life. Even if I am working fulltime outside the home raising my children to be good people is STILL the most important thing in my life. But at least then I get a chunk of my day with positive interactions/validation etc even if not about parenting. It still makes me feel better about myself which makes me a better person over all. So what is the big deal giving that praise/validation to those that would never get it from other sources. Around here, it's much more likely that moms are put on a pedestal than looked down upon. The women posting these things about how they 'really needed to hear this today! Other moms, you are important and you're doing the most important thing, even when no one is applauding you for it!' are all part of a specific group who read the book I talked about in the OP - with the idea that applause for what we do should be expected. Maybe I'm just not an externally motivated person. Maybe some people are - Idk. But I just can't imagine only doing things because I believe I deserve do be applauded for it, and being depressed or disappointed - or feel invisible, as that book I mentioned says - if that doesn't happen. I do things for me, not for anyone else, including kids. I live a very not-child-centric life (as much as possible being a mostly SAH/homeschooling mom! ;) ) and I don't like the idea of placing who I am on kids (or on DH, etc), which is what I see a lot within this group. (This group also has members who think it's good to lose your identity in your family, which I also heartily disagree with.) Overall, I really don't think it would bother me if it weren't for my past with this group (basically being the only different thinker when I attended). I've since stopped attending, and most of the time their posts on FB and stuff don't bother me - but for some reason this last couple days has really produced an overload of self-bolstering from them. :ack2: :) ETA: I forgot to finish one of my thoughts... sorry! :lol: But I was saying that I don't like the idea of applause and recognition being expected. I think there are appropriate people to... what's the word I'm looking for... be appreciative, I guess? of moms - namely when there are reasons to be. I think of like, husbands or significant others, teachers or other adults noticing children's good behavior (when it's a direct result of 'training' - I hate to use that word, I mean it in the BEST sense lol - by parents), etc. As for just feeling they just need a pat on the back for making a pb sandwich or changing a dirty diaper? Uh... Okay?? I won't be the one applauding that... it sort of comes with being a parent, which is a choice for most people I can think of. So it's the difference, to me, between expecting praise because of being a mom (because it's SO IMPORTANT :lol: ) and living your life the way you want to regardless - if people notice, that's nice. If not, that's nice too. I definitely don't find the way that these people have been doing it to be particularly 'appropriate'. But, like I said, there is history there that makes me see them as very selfish on that matter... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 We live in a culture that treats women who stay at home with their kids like they are invisible and that they don't have value. :iagree: I find the 'pat me on the back' FB stuff annoying too, but at the same time, I seriously feel invisible as a homeschooling mother of 4 (gasp! I'm still getting used to that number.) I don't search for compliments on FB, but there are definitely times when I let my husband know that I need to hear some kind of validation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I think the biggest mistake people make is feeling like they have to have validation and kudos from other people. Love on yourself and it will show. Occasionally I do feel a need for validation, kudos and brownie points (we all do at some point) and I get it by telling myself that I am awesome, baking some brownies and moving on with my day. Because I am awesome and I have a lot of stuff to move on to. I think that people are more mean to themselves than they realize and often times go looking for other people's praise not just for validation but to counteract the negative thoughts they are spewing at themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I think that people are more mean to themselves than they realize and often times go looking for other people's praise not just for validation but to counteract the negative thoughts they are spewing at themselves. Wow, yes, I have one friend in particular that I think this really applies to (and me and quite a few friends as well, I guess, on those occasions when we hit a particularly rough patch). I had not thought of it in such clear terms, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 This is a major vent and a bit of a JAWM - just so you go in prepared. OK. What the heck is JAWM? So... maybe this is just something that only happens in the 'circles I run in' so to speak... but I'm so. freaking. tired. of constantly seeing moms posting to other moms how 'motherhood is so under appreciated but it's the Most Important Thing.' :glare: Actually, I disagree with that. I don't think that parenting at all is the most important thing - not for everyone anyway. I also don't buy into the idea that motherhood is somehow the 'highest calling'. I don't think children are the most important thing in the parents' world. Or that they should be, anyway. I don't think motherhood is under appreciated. For pity's sake, I've seen at least 5 things about that VERY thing in the last 2 days on FB!! So CLEARLY.... :banghead: While I disagree with everything you said in this paragraph I certainly don't need someone to validate me! My husband adores me and my kids appreciate me. I knew motherhood was tough when I signed up for it. If I'm tired overworked and underpaid that's my fault. But you know what? I'm good with that. I love my family and that's all I need. I know this is just part of the culture where I live for some reason. A few years ago in our mom's book club at church read this book that was written for moms, talking about how 'what you're doing is important even if you aren't getting applauded for it - God is applauding you!' :ack2: First off, that's such a cheesy sentiment... Second, and most importantly IMO - WHAT THE HELL makes you think that you deserve applause? (general you) How self centered are we that we feel like, in order for our lives to be meaningful, we have to be getting applause and recognition for it?! WTH?!?! That same sentiment is what I see behind all these 'motherhood goes unnoticed and unappreciated' type things... if you (general) are THAT unhappy with your role as a mother, MAYBE you need to walk OUTSIDE your house and try to DO something else?! Seriously - not that being a parent is UNimportant - but if you really love it as much as you say you do, don't post things on Facebook for you and 'all the other moms out there' about how awesome you all are even though no one notices. Stop playing a martyr and posting things to validate yourself. Ugh. I hate this trend. Seriously. It makes me want to yell at all the people ON Facebook... so I'm here, venting, instead. If you think anyone needs to applaud you, especially the Almighty, perfect in every way, merciful, generous creator of the universe, you have no idea who you are in life and no appreciation for what He's done for you. That's ignorant, being lovers of themselves, and a clear violation of the first commandant, as well as (I believe) everything Jesus ever said in the New Testament. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 If you think anyone needs to applaud you, especially the Almighty, perfect in every way, merciful, generous creator of the universe, you have no idea who you are in life and no appreciation for what He's done for you. That's ignorant, being lovers of themselves, and a clear violation of the first commandant, as well as (I believe) everything Jesus ever said in the New Testament. I don't assume that people looking for connection and props on Facebook are necessarily searching for anything whatsoever from any higher power. :confused1: I am totally a lover of myself. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrookValley. Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I don't assume that people looking for connection and props on Facebook are necessarily searching for anything whatsoever from any higher power. :confused1: I am totally a lover of myself. :lol: Me, too! I also like applause. :hurray: What if I applaud myself? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Me, too! I also like applause. :hurray: What if I applaud myself? Imma goin make me some brownies this very day. I'll share with the people in my life who, even when I am not looking for it, validate me. The best advice I ever took was to stop caring what other people thought about me and to stop bullying myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThelmaLou Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 People who worry about being judged or undervalued by other people are usually guilty of being very judgmental themselves. They put themselves in the shoes onlookers and assume that those onlookers must certainly be thinking the same kinds of condemning thoughts that they themselves would think in a similar situation. Then they preemptively respond. I've been guilty of this. Here's an example. I was sold on breastfeeding each of my kiddos for at least 12 months. I would see moms bottle feeding and think how much better for the child it would be if the mom would breastfeed. I put myself a smidgeon higher on the "good mom" scale since I was breastfeeding. Stupid, I know. Then, the shoe was on the other foot. With 2 of my babies, I was only able to breastfeed for 6 months. It broke my heart, because I really wanted to do it for longer, knowing it was healthier for them in the long run. But my milk dried up completely, despite pumping, herbal supplements to increase production, drinking plenty of water, etc... No stone was left unturned, and with a mom who's a lactation consultant, believe me...I did everything possible. Anyhow, I'd be bottle feeding my baby in the church nursery, and another mom would come in to breastfeed. My first thought was that they definitely noticed that I was bottle feeding. Then I would launch into my diatribe about how I had every intention of nursing for at least 12 months, but despite moving heaven and hell, alas, it came to an end and now I was forced to bottle feed. I needed to explain to other moms why I was doing what I was doing so that they wouldn't think bad things about my mothering skills. Immature, I know. And the reason I did this? Because I had judged other moms in the same way during the times nursing was going so well for me. I learned alot about myself through that. I now apply this to other situations, trying to avoid justifying myself or my actions just to cater to my insecurity. I purposely don't go out of my way to apologize for the state of my house when company comes unexpected. Every fiber of my being wants to say something, assuming they're thinking, "What a pit!" I have to consciously not do this. Many other examples I could name. I have to work on recognizing my insecurity and realize that it ultimately stems from my own tendency to be judgmental. It's always a work in progress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Sometimes I need a human hand giving me a pat on the back. It has nothing to do with being a full-time sahm. I needed the same occasionally when I was employed. That does't mean if I don't get it, I'm going to quit doing my job. It's nice to get a thank-you or good job; a pan of brownies works equally well. My children need it, too. Not constantly, but every once in a while. Human nature. If dh or kids don't notice, I'm not above doing it for myself. I belong to the 'lover of myself' club. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelwydd Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Slache, JAWM means "just agree with me." It is used to to indicate a poster's need to just express her feelings or let loose a rant. She is not looking for a discussion on the merits of her thouhts or feelings, nor interested in a debate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I don't assume that people looking for connection and props on Facebook are necessarily searching for anything whatsoever from any higher power. :confused1: I am totally a lover of myself. :lol: I keep thinking of 40 Year Old Virgin. "Do you like to... do it... yourself?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a27mom Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I have always wondered how people view motherhood as so "underappreciated". I mean we have our own HOLIDAY for goodness sake. There are major commercial campaigns focused on motherhood. I spent many years not being a mother, but wanting to be one, and believe mothers are celebrated and appreciated. I also discovered that being a mother isn't MOST important. I wasn't lesser because I wasn't one. I think it is the needing to be validated by comparison that bothers me. It is not saying "being a mom is great", or being a mom is important. It is the one that say or clearly imply that being a mom is more important, or most important. And the ones that imply that moms somehow don't get the appreciation they deserve, as if most of the rest of the world does. I see this in some careers as well. The idea that teachers and nurses are somehow under-appreciated. They might try to make a case for underpaid, but there is lots of recognition. I mean try being an accountant and see how celebrated you are. Yet they are critical to our society. And many work extremely long arduous hours, dealing with frustrating government regulations, but hallmark isn't making cards for them. People who do their work well are not more or less important than others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I don't assume that people looking for connection and props on Facebook are necessarily searching for anything whatsoever from any higher power. :confused1: I am totally a lover of myself. :lol: She mentioned a book they read about God and I assumed it was a christian group. I see now that was rather ignorant on my part. "Lovers of themselves" is a term used in scripture to describe selfish people who put themselves before God and others. I didn't mean that in a "you shouldn't love yourself because you're garbage" sort of way. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I am a "words of affirmation" love language person, but I still don't want or expect to be congratulated all the time for my "achingly hard" lot in life. If you eat here, though, you damn sure better tell me the meal was delicious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 She mentioned a book they read about God and I assumed it was a christian group. I see now that was rather ignorant on my part. "Lovers of themselves" is a term used in scripture to describe selfish people who put themselves before God and others. I didn't mean that in a "you shouldn't love yourself because you're garbage" sort of way. :) Lovers of self in the bible is mentioned in the context of gossips, evil, brutality, arrogance and the end times. I don't think someone feeling unappreciated or being a bit rah rah rah about their vocation/life/self means they are evil. I don't think it is a sin to appreciate ourselves and others. Love one another. We sorta do need to appreciate those around us by that measure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I am a "words of affirmation" love language person, but I still don't want or expect to be congratulated all the time for my "achingly hard" lot in life. If you eat here, though, you damn sure better tell me the meal was delicious! Sometimes I settle for not making retching noises and faces of death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Lovers of self in the bible is mentioned in the context of gossips, evil, brutality, arrogance and the end times. I don't think someone feeling unappreciated or being a bit rah rah rah about their vocation/life/self means they are evil. I don't think it is a sin to appreciate ourselves and others. Love one another. We sorta do need to appreciate those around us by that measure. I agree, but this "Look at me! Aren't I amazing!?" is entirely sinful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I have told people that being a mother/parent has been one of the most complex and challenging things I have ever done. More so than being a marine mammal biologist, than being a clinical massage therapist, than being a paralegal, etc. However, the fact is that those who stand to gain the most from my mothering generally are the last to show me much respect or appreciation. My dh would come home from work and ask, "What's for dinner?", not "My goodness, this kid is a non-stop activity tornado! I'm astounded that you were able to get so much done today." My dd, now 15yo, says things like, "When I have kids, I will send them to private school instead of homeschooling. It is just too lonely around here." rather than, "Wow, Mom, I really respect you for leaving a high profile, high pay job to stay home and raise me. I totally recognize that you valued my well being and happiness above prestige and money." Sadly, sometimes familiarity does cause our perceptions to dim. I know that I don't often express my respect and appreciation when I should. And as others have mentioned, while I think we could all benefit from hearing it sometimes, there are some among us who need to hear it frequently. I don't think I'm one of them, because I rarely even think about it until a thread like this comes up. Regarding the internet platitudes, count me in with those who just don't get it. I hate how normally thoughtful and intelligent people I know will pass along the schlockiest stuff. And FTR, any post so presumptuous as to demand that I pass it along (if I love Jesus, to keep from having bad luck, to show my patriotism, to support whatever cause, etc.) ticks me off and will be immediately and summarily hidden and left to die. It may be something that I passionately agree with, but I will not be bossed around by anonymous individuals who have enough time to make such posts. So many people are so wounded by life that they are desperately searching for some soothing validation. If they need to pat themselves on the back about what great moms they are, and how valid and worthy is their calling, whatever. I have found it easy to hide both people and posts that I don't wish to see. Whatever gets through that filter is just fodder for my happy hide finger. Just to weigh in on the matter, I like being a mom most of the time, but some days I would like to go hermitize myself in some cozy cave. Some activities of motherhood are tremendously fulfilling. Others are mindless tedium. Talking it up doesn't really change how I feel about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I agree, but this "Look at me! Aren't I amazing!?" is entirely sinful. It goes without saying that no one is perfect or without (depending on your view) sin or fault. Arrogance about another person's sin is after all still very much a sin (or fault/shortcoming) itself. I get being annoyed with people on Facebook but I don't really get behind expressing outrage that people have faults (or have sinned). It smacks of hubris or a lack of self reflection to me. Just like we need to love ourselves, we need to love those around us too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I have always wondered how people view motherhood as so "underappreciated". I mean we have our own HOLIDAY for goodness sake. There are major commercial campaigns focused on motherhood. I spent many years not being a mother, but wanting to be one, and believe mothers are celebrated and appreciated. I also discovered that being a mother isn't MOST important. I wasn't lesser because I wasn't one. I think it is the needing to be validated by comparison that bothers me. It is not saying "being a mom is great", or being a mom is important. It is the one that say or clearly imply that being a mom is more important, or most important. And the ones that imply that moms somehow don't get the appreciation they deserve, as if most of the rest of the world does. I see this in some careers as well. The idea that teachers and nurses are somehow under-appreciated. They might try to make a case for underpaid, but there is lots of recognition. I mean try being an accountant and see how celebrated you are. Yet they are critical to our society. And many work extremely long arduous hours, dealing with frustrating government regulations, but hallmark isn't making cards for them. People who do their work well are not more or less important than others. yeah...I get this. Every year, I sort of cringe when our church has a BIG MOTHERS DAY deal. I know that in a congregation of our size there are women who a. have a bad relationship with their mom because their mom was not so nice. b. never had the chance to be a mom. c. are unmarried but still contribute to our church in HUGE ways. I wonder if the big MOTHERS DAY celebration is kind of like twisting a knife in the backs of so many women who hurt for lots of reasons. Why couldn't we appreciate and love on all the women who make our church great? I see this need for affirmation mostly in very young moms. The ones in the trenches who are not getting much feedback besides 2 yo tantrums, pee and spit up. It gets easier as the kids get older and can give back. You also have a greater sense of "wow! They really do get it!" every now and then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 We all need validation at times. Why did you post this today? To have your feelings validated? I think most of FB and the chat board is about validation. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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