Is it common to ask for money to adopt?

[SKL]

I have seen blogs titled "Saving S___" and the like, regarding the adoption of at-risk special needs kids.  So the rescue mentality is out there.  (And realistically, those kids have an extremely short life expectancy if they are not adopted.)  But, I agree that most adoptive parents don't feel that way.  When I was working on my adoptions, the agency was clear that if my purpose was to "rescue," they didn't want to deal with me.  They would not prepare a positive home study unless the parent stated that their reason for adoption was that *they* wanted to parent a child.

[Meadowlark]

This conversation is interesting because when I look at this particular family's latest blog entry, there very much is a "rescue" mentality. They prepared a video and it pulled at my heart strings a bit to see the conditions that these kids live in. Of course, I kind of have a heart for orphans (after spending some time at an orphanage in Trinidad). But then, when I started thinking about it, I almost felt a little manipulated because right after the video I saw a convenient PayPal button in which I could contribute. It's an interesting conversation.

 

I just kind of think that this couple has overdone it. I suppose what I think and the degree of tackiness matters little to them, as it should. Agreed, there certainly is more in the world to "get into a snit" about...but I think the conversation has been informative and interesting, and appreciate all of you who have respectfully shared your opinion.

 

ETA: I just checked FB and they put up that there is an addition to their blog. The last sentence said "Please consider sharing about our family and making a donation this week". I'm sorry but to me, this is getting absurd.

[Janie Grace]

I certainly think it can be overdone, but in some cases, I don't mind it. We have friends who have a heart to adopt an older, waiting child. They have been saving like crazy and have made big sacrifices personally. They did a short indiegogo fundraiser (with little "gifts" attached to different donation amounts) and I wasn't offended at all. No, they do not see themselves as saviors to whom this child should forever be beholden, but the fact is that they COULD have another bio child; because of their concern for older, waiting orphans, they are choosing to adopt.  I was happy to make a small contribution to help them bring their child home.

[Farrar]

I know there are a lot of nuanced issues in international adoption and the adoption industry and people adopting to "save" a child and so forth...  though I will say that adoption should cost something.  It takes a lot of people a lot of time (with good reason) to process an adoption and someone should pay them.

 

However, the attitudes in this thread about how dare someone ask me to help them pay for their child make me sad.  My birth was paid for by insurance.  If I had to adopt because I was medically unable to have children, that wouldn't be the case.  I wish we had more of a community spirit and a willingness to be open about this sort of thing.  In the last year, I've seen fundraising via social media for friends who needed help with funeral expenses, with rehab expenses for a child and with other such things.  A couple of generations ago, a person's church and other local civic organizations often helped with this sort of thing.  Generations before that, communities knew about these needs and often came together.  Social media is one new way we do this.  It doesn't have to be "tacky."

 

I'm sure it can be done in a tacky way.  But I certainly don't find it an automatic offense.

[Catwoman]

This is awesome! I am finished having children, so my insurance premiums are going to go down because I no longer need maternity coverage. Whoo-hoo! And since my "family" insurance policy covers fewer kids than yours, it's going down yet again. And those of you with more children than me, who deduct them all on your income tax--I'm going to get some of my taxes back, right, since you're paying less in income taxes than I am? And since I only have one kid in public school, which is way under the average, I should get a refund of most of my property taxes. Can not wait!

 

My point, obviously, is that we all involuntarily fund each others' voluntary choices to have children. We involuntarily fund others' voluntary choices in a thousand other ways as well. Contributing to someone's adoption, on the other hand, is completely voluntary, and I seriously doubt that the average person asking for donations to fund her adoption has an expectation or sense of entitlement. Sure, some do, but the vast majority likely do not. Adopting is not a choir trip or a vacation; it is a way to build a family, and I would think that many people (obviously not most, from the sound of it on this board) would be honored to contribute to that. In fact, my husband and I have a standing offer to a single friend of ours that if she ever decides to adopt, we will figure out a way to pay for it for her. I would love for her to take us up on it; she would be a fabulous mother, but I know what she makes, and coming up with $30,000 would take her many, many years. It would thrill me to help her bring a baby home from Haiti (this is where she's considering)--I truly wish she would call me one day ask me to help. It occurs to me that the people who are asking the responders to this thread are clearly just asking the wrong person. :tongue_smilie:

 

And speaking of $40,000, I trust that everyone who is saying couples should save that up before they adopt has always paid cash for their cars and homes and education, especially in their younger years when most of us have our children. Unless you have, you have no right to suggest that it is inappropriate for an adoptive family not to do so. Adoption shouldn't just be for the rich. Lord knows having biological children isn't.

 

I am shocked at the attitudes expressed in this thread as to the tackiness or offensiveness of asking others to contribute to the building of a family. There are plenty of real offenses out there to get into a snit about (having donations fund your entire adoption and then using the tax credit to go to WDW--that's awful). But I can not see that this is one. I see Facebook pleas every stinkin' day for causes much less important than adoption--contributions to fund a reward for a lost dog? Or an autopsy for that dog once it is found? (This is a real example--$5,000.) I roll my eyes at what is super-important to some people, but who looks at requests for donations to fund an adoption and thinks, "Wow, I can't believe adding a child to their family is THAT important. What crazy priorities!"

What gives you the right to tell anyone else here what they do or do not have the right to say?

 

We are all entitled to our opinions, even the ones with which you happen to disagree.

 

It's obvious that you feel strongly about this issue, and you have made some excellent points, but you don't seem to want to acknowledge that others' opinions are equally valid.

[mom@shiloh]

Disclaimer:  I haven't read all the posts, but I am disappointed by the general lack of good will that I see.

 

 Certainly, adoption fund-raising can be tacky.  If you live in an expensive house, drive a new car and can afford nice family vacations, then, yes, it's tacky.  If you are fund-raising so that your whole family can go along on the adoption trip, then, yes, that's tacky too.  Unfortunately, the ones who do that make it harder for others who really could use help with adoption expenses.

 

I used to be on the grant committee for an adoption ministry.  We gave grants based on need (and other things).  I cannot tell you how many families we saw who were willing to make huge financial sacrifices to bring their kids home and who were willing to pay off those expenses  for years and years for the opportunity to parent these kids.  There are many families whose incomes are barely above the poverty line who are still very capable of providing love, food, clothing and education to a child even though the $20,000+ price tag of an adoption is an astronomical hurdle.  There are many, many people who love the idea of adoption, but could/would never do it themselves and are delighted for the opportunity to participate in some small way.  

 

 

[SKL]

I also know many adoptive parents who have gone into significant debt to adopt.  Personally I did not have to consider doing this, so I am not sure I can relate.  The thought feels disturbing to me, but then I am a bit paranoid about debt.

 

I do know what it's like to want a child and to not have any easy way of becoming a parent.  No matter what choice I made, there would be someone who thought I was nuts or unethical or immoral.  But being childless hurt too.  Can't make all our choices based on what some unaffected people are going to think.

[G5052]

I don't have any problem with this, but I figure people are going to do what they're going to do.  I've given $$$ for adoption expenses and medical bills here and there, but never when I felt under pressure.  Always because I felt genuinely like I wanted to help.

 

We've had horrific medical bills over the years but have never gone to fund-raising.  I can scrimp and work, and I figured that those efforts came long before any fund-raising.  But that's me.

 

 

 

[sewingmama]

I think its ridiculous to say that if you can't fund an adoption upfront on your own then you can't afford to raise a child. How many of us here would have the bio children we have if we had to pay upfront fees for them? It costs "$60 000 to adopt internationally from Australia...if I had had to pay that for each of my bio children...well I would be childless. However even though my kids were "free" to give birth too ...we have been able to afford to raise them just fine. They are like most middle class children these days...overflowing with toys, clothes, extracurriculars, food, their own bedrooms etc ....they have more then any child could ever need.

 

I would love to adopt a few more kids...we could definitely afford to raise them... However being able to come up with that much money upfront...not so much.

 

It's not tacky to ask for help to give a child a permanent home. I find it tacky that people think it's tacky to do so.

 

Every child deserves a home and parents. Every child is equal no matter what country they live in. If it is important to you to choose a child from your home country then great...go do what you feel is right...but don't knock the people who feel called to choose international adoption for reasons that are equally as important to them.

 

At the end of the day...no matter where you get your child from...that's still one less child in the world who doesn't have a permanent family.

[Plink]

I don't think anyone is saying that adoption is wrong, and most of us understand that it can be very expensive and are compassionate.

 

The fact is that fundraising makes people feel weird. There is something about it that just rubs reasonable people the wrong way. That doesn't mean that the feeling is right or wrong, it is just reality. Feelings aren't something we can control.

 

Saying that it makes us feel weird doesn't mean that we are asking adoptive parents to change their methods. It is their right to do as they wish. We are simply expressing our own internal struggle with the idea of fundraising for adoption. I know, I know, it is horrid to question anything surrounding adoption. But, it is true.

 

I struggled with infertility, I read about the plight of orphans worldwide, but I still have a niggling feeling of being unsettled when asked to contribute to someone's adoption expenses. I wrestle with myself every time I receive a request for money. It is honest to admit so.

[DawnM]

One of the things that really bothered me is this:

 

We knew that taking our whole family would add an additional $10,000-$15,000 to the trip.  Yes, I said trip and not the adoption.  The adoption itself cost right around $25,000 and yes it did include a "trip" for me, but that was necessary to get my child.  ONE person was necessary, not two.

 

So, we opted to only have one of us go.  Thankfully a girlfriend went with me, so I wasn't completely alone.

 

However, we knew people who were soliciting funds and said they needed $35,000 or more because they were choosing to take their entire family.  I took issue with that.  To me, that extra is on you!

 

Plus, when we adopted we were fortunate......the federal government was reimbursing up to $12K in tax credits.  NC state was giving tax credits of $6K, and Dh's work reimbursed $5,000.  It did take a few years to get it back, but we did get $22,000 back over time.  

 

We were very thankful.

 

 

 

 

No, this particular couple has sent out Facebook messages several times, specifically stating they were raising money to adopt. The page sent out today says that the last $10,000 will cover travel expenses to bring the kids home.

I'm glad we aren't the only ones who think this is a bit tacky.

 

[Zuzu822]

I wonder if a woman who wanted In vitro fertilisation (IVF) would try to raise money for it like that... 

 

 

I know of a local couple fundraising for IVF. They were on the news within the last two months.

 

 

ETA: Their GoFundMe page shows they are almost halfway to their goal of $10,000.

[SKL]

I know of a local couple fundraising for IVF. They were on the news within the last two months.

 

 

ETA: Their GoFundMe page shows they are almost halfway to their goal of $10,000.

 

I think IVF is also covered by health insurance up to a point.

[Heather in Neverland]

Ok, I am just going to be completely straightforward on this... And I can be because I have had one bio child and two adopted children (neither of which we fundraised for)...

 

And this is something most people would not admit, but I think deep down some feel like "why should I give YOU money so you can have a baby? Nobody gave ME money when I had/adopted my child!"

 

Actually, no one has ever asked me for money to adopt a child so I don't know how I would actually feel if it happened. But I can see myself possibly feeling this way. We never asked for donations for the birth of our son or the adoption of our other son and daughter. So maybe I would feel like they had no right to ask me for money when they didn't help me with my adoption?

 

But honestly, I never asked for help. Maybe people would have helped me if I'd asked. I don't know. I'm just not the type to ask others for money. That doesn't necessarily make me a better person. Maybe I'm too proud? Maybe I should ask for help more often? I don't know what the right answer is.

 

What I have observed in the last ten years since we adopted for the first time is that it seems like those willing to adopt can't afford it and those who can afford it often aren't willing and I think that is sad.

[TheBugs]

 

 

[TechWife]

1.  The birth of biological children is subsidized by society in myriad ways.  Those of you who say you have 5 children and haven't asked for contributions for a single one of their births, let me ask how much that prenatal care and birth cost you.  $100 each?  That is because your premiums and your insurance are subsidized by everyone else's contributions towards their own health insurance.  Your share was probably paid for with pre-tax dollars; your employer's share certainly was.

 

 

The copay for the birth of my son was in the thousands. I have no idea where you get the $100 figure. I don't think society has subsidized the birth of my child in any way. Seventeen years later, I can assure you that we have paid far more in premiums than the insurance company has paid in claims for him over the entire course of his life (and he's had some pretty expensive care, too). Insurance companies are not in the business of providing charity care, they make money hand over fist -  you should check out what some of their CEO's make in a year.

[SKL]

Whether or not anyone paid for my kids' xyz has nothing to do with whether I feel moved to help someone else pay for theirs.

[SKL]

It just seems a little hypocricitical for people to act like they got no help whatsoever with their kids, when in fact there are all kinds of ways that the costs of American childbirth and child rearing are spread around.  Those of us who have never borne children pay just as much taxes and insurance as those who bear children (if not more).

[TravelingChris]

I am not begrudging the adoption tax credits.  I am not saying people can't fundraise for adoptions through financial appeals but I won't be contributing.  If it was one of my children who needed help, I would offer help if I was in such a situation.  But everyone can't give money to everything.  Some of us don';t like this kind of appeal because it seems too personal to be being made to relative strangers.  If your child is dying from cancer and you need the money to pay for the bone marrow transplant or what have you- I have much more sympathy for that since that is a life or death situation.However, I am always wary so generally, if I have the money, I prefer either to donate to organizations that have been vetted or to just bless someone anonymously who I know needs help or without them asking. 

 

I do not see why some of you seem so angry about this.  We all make choices about where our charitable donations go.  The fact that Joe give to Relay for Life and Jim gives to a Homeless shelter shouldn't be any source of contention unless you have some reason to believe that some organization is a fraud or misusing funds or something like that.  I just don't think giving money to people

[catz]

I am not begrudging the adoption tax credits.  I am not saying people can't fundraise for adoptions through financial appeals but I won't be contributing.  If it was one of my children who needed help, I would offer help if I was in such a situation.  But everyone can't give money to everything.  Some of us don';t like this kind of appeal because it seems too personal to be being made to relative strangers.  If your child is dying from cancer and you need the money to pay for the bone marrow transplant or what have you- I have much more sympathy for that since that is a life or death situation.However, I am always wary so generally, if I have the money, I prefer either to donate to organizations that have been vetted or to just bless someone anonymously who I know needs help or without them asking. 

 

I do not see why some of you seem so angry about this.  We all make choices about where our charitable donations go.  The fact that Joe give to Relay for Life and Jim gives to a Homeless shelter shouldn't be any source of contention unless you have some reason to believe that some organization is a fraud or misusing funds or something like that.  I just don't think giving money to people

This exactly. We send out quite a bit of money in charitable contributions, but I much prefer to give to vetted organizations unless I know someone extremely well. I have personally seen some instances of repeated asking for direct funds by some people who are making some not very good decisions in my estimation.

 

I'm actually all for adoption tax credits and I'm glad there are organizations giving grants to vetted adoptive families. I'm fine with fundraising events. It's asking acquaintances/people you don't know for direct funds that gets me. Especially more than once.

 

I will also say unexpected birth expenses for us ran north of 10K. I spent more than $200 just taking my kids to a doctor a couple weeks for a cough and we are what I would consider well insured.

[SKL]

We all make choices about where our charitable donations go. 

 

Nobody is questioning that.  It's one thing to choose not to donate to something (I support you 100% on that), another thing to question someone's character because they asked for help.  What people are sensitive about is the implication that requesting or accepting financial assistance for an adoption indicates a character flaw.

[Zuzu822]

The copay for the birth of my son was in the thousands. I have no idea where you get the $100 figure. I don't think society has subsidized the birth of my child in any way. Seventeen years later, I can assure you that we have paid far more in premiums than the insurance company has paid in claims for him over the entire course of his life (and he's had some pretty expensive care, too). Insurance companies are not in the business of providing charity care, they make money hand over fist -  you should check out what some of their CEO's make in a year.

 

It's possible. I was a teacher, and my maternity care was covered in full for my first birth.  Maybe around $40 over the course of the pregnancy for vitamins.  Even my sonogram was covered 100%. 

[craftyerin]

I didn't read all the replies, but in my circles fundraising for adoption is very, very common. Usually along the lines of selling through an Etsy shop or selling tshirts or something. I am happy to support those things if they're products I like. One friend who is currently waiting on their 2nd international adoption had a local artist paint and donate a picture for them to raffle.  The artist also brought his other work to show at the event, with some percentage of the proceeds going to the adoption.  I won the original painting and it's GORGEOUS! Definitely worth my three $10 raffle tickets. ;)

[SproutMamaK]

I have no problem with someone saying "This is something that will be very difficult for us financially and if anyone is willing to help, we'd greatly appreciate it." As far as fundraising goes, that gives me the same general vibe as  someone standing politely at the entrance to WalMart ringing a bell and smiling at people as they pass, letting them know they'll accept help.

 

I have a problem with in your face "can YOU help me with this? We really want help! No? That's okay, I'll ask you again next week! Oh, is that your husband over there? Maybe he has some money he could chip in!" etc, etc. That sort of fundraising is tacky and stressful and makes me feel like I've just been forced into sitting through a Pampered Chef party that I have no interest in.

 

Someone upthread mentioned that it may just be a general feeling of ill will towards all those obnoxious direct sale type companies, and I think for me that's a large part of it. We (a general "we" here) are constantly being harassed by random people from family to friends and random acquaintances to help out so and so's sister in law withtheir new business and PLEASE won't you be supportive of this new venture and don't you see this incredible value in contributing to help a mother stay at home with her kids during the day and making some money on the side and it's just a little bit of money and what about this charitable organization that your friend volunteers for, they really need money to send food to starving children and you don't want the kids to die do you, and there's the new program in the inner city that will take homeless teens and turn them all into doctors within 5 years if only you'll give them another $30, and.... just UGH. After a while it all just becomes mindless noise. Most of the requests for help or support ARE valid, but we've all been so inundated by them that we begin to view all of them as universally obnoxious and tacky. It doesn't mean they ARE tacky... it just means we're really sick of them.

[HS Mom in NC]

We adopted internationally in 2004-2006.  It never occurred to us to ask anyone for money to do it. We wouldn't even consider asking for financial help with an adoption any more than we would consider it for fertility treatments or just normal pregnancy and birth related expenses for our biological children.  We saved for years to do it.

 

I know a lot of people who adopted internationally.  I've never asked them if they did fundraising or not. I don't have a strong opinion one way or the other on it, but I do wonder if about the financial stability of someone who does.  Different countries have different criteria about financial stability, so that may be a factor. I've never been asked to contribute directly or indirectly to anyone's adoption at home or abroad.

 

At that time, international adoption costs ranged from $10,000-$40,000 depending on which country you chose. Domestic private adoptions were running that much or higher depending on whether or not the living expenses of the birthmother were covered in addition to the medical costs and legal fees. Also, if a birthmother changes her mind, there's no way to get that money back.

 

There's a divide in the adoption community about things like this.  Some say if you have to fund raise because you can't afford to adopt, then you can't afford to adopt.  Some say if you want to adopt a child through foster care, then be prepared to take all the privileges and responsibilities that go with it, and don't take any taxpayer funded support after finalization.

 

Others say that leaves only the rich and upper middle class as candidates for adoption which is nowhere near enough for all the children that need homes.  Some say the that the state has an interest in providing services to adopted foster kids who have far beyond the normal range of issues for children and most parents couldn't afford it and shouldn't have to provide private medical insurance to handle these special issues. without it in the early years, the costs in the later years are far higher with far worse outcomes.

 

Others consider child related tax credits (these are not refunds but credits) important if you believe in government funded services a generation from now.  Since we have a serious decline in the birthrate, we will have far too few people paying into an ever expanding government.  If you don't have kids to take care of you in your old age, you'll have taxpayers doing it.  Since you didn't produce the next generation of taxpayers, you'll have to pay more yourself.

 

Others say if you let people keep their own money they can provide better for their own retirement with or without kids by investing directly into safe retirement funds.  They point out that government is categorically the least effective and most expensive way to do things, including redistributing money.  It's grossly inefficient and slow to adapt to the changing needs of people in real time, which is also wasteful of money.

 

These are all very emotional issues founded in convictions about family, morality and the role of government for most people, so don't be surprised when you get strong reactions.  It's unlikely you will change people's minds about it.

 

[Catwoman]

Nobody is questioning that. It's one thing to choose not to donate to something (I support you 100% on that), another thing to question someone's character because they asked for help. What people are sensitive about is the implication that requesting or accepting financial assistance for an adoption indicates a character flaw.

They can be as sensitive as they like, but the fact is that if a person comes right out and asks people for money, he or she will probably be judged in one way or another for doing it. You may think it's perfectly fine for people to request donations, but others find it tacky (or worse,) and their opinions are just as valid as yours are.

 

I think the bigger problem here is that a few people seem to think that we are somehow anti-adoption if we don't care for the idea of people asking others to help pay for their adoption expenses, and I don't believe that is the case at all. I don't think any of us are anti-adoption, and I'm sure there are circumstances where we might want to pitch in and offer money to a close friend or family member whom we thought could use our help. That isn't the issue here. The OP was wondering what we thought about people asking for donations, and I think we all answered the question in a sincere way.

 

I think you're putting words in people's mouths when you say that we are questioning someone's character when we say that we think it's tacky to request money. I think most of us believe that the vast majority of donation-seekers have their hearts in the right place, and we hope that the adoption process goes smoothly and successfully for them; it's their methods of obtaining financing that we think are inappropriate.

[Joker]

This is something that never entered my mind as being rude or tacky. If I want to donate I do, and if I don't then I don't. No judgement involved though.

[SKL]

Catwoman, first of all, you are the one putting words in my mouth.

 

Secondly, what do you suggest as an alternative way for adoptive parents to let others know that they are in an unexpected bind and would be grateful for some financial help?

 

It seems that a relatively impersonal, general facebook link / page with a paypal button would be a good way to let people know without being in their face, and make it easy for the person to help if they want to or scroll on by if they don't, without an embarrassing face-to-face discussion.  But if you know of a better way to do it without anyone being embarrassed or pressured, I'm all ears.

 

I get that this type of promotion doesn't go over great with everyone.  Neither do a lot of things on facebook.  Anyone think I really care about my friends' latest score on Candy Crush?  Or that I really need to read that 100th "inspirational quote" or "superfood recommendation" posted since morning?  Or how many miles they ran on their treadmill, or where they are eating dinner today, or ....?  No, but I don't let it bug me.  I just move on.

[Catwoman]

Catwoman, first of all, you are the one putting words in my mouth.

 

Secondly, what do you suggest as an alternative way for adoptive parents to let others know that they are in an unexpected bind and would be grateful for some financial help?

 

It seems that a relatively impersonal, general facebook link / page with a paypal button would be a good way to let people know without being in their face, and make it easy for the person to help if they want to or scroll on by if they don't, without an embarrassing face-to-face discussion. But if you know of a better way to do it without anyone being embarrassed or pressured, I'm all ears.

 

I get that this type of promotion doesn't go over great with everyone. Neither do a lot of things on facebook. Anyone think I really care about my friends' latest score on Candy Crush? Or that I really need to read that 100th "inspirational quote" or "superfood recommendation" posted since morning? Or how many miles they ran on their treadmill, or where they are eating dinner today, or ....? No, but I don't let it bug me. I just move on.

Not for anything, but you seem to be letting this bug you. ;)

 

I don't feel like getting into yet another argument with you, so I'll just let my existing posts on this topic explain my position. I didn't put words in your mouth, but if you think I did, that's fine. All I did was respond to your post.

 

I don't particularly care that you don't agree with me. You are entitled to your opinions, and you are entitled to disagree with mine. We have both made our points and it's clear we don't concur, so perhaps it would be best to agree to disagree, so this thread doesn't get derailed.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I don't mind it.  At $25,000 plus to adopt, I can't see how anyone can afford it outright.  I am thrilled that some families choose to adopt and happy to support them.

 

This. I think getting children into safe, happy homes is a pretty good investment. I'll never be in a position to adopt, so I'd be happy to give to someone who can and will. 

[catz]

Catwoman, first of all, you are the one putting words in my mouth.

 

Secondly, what do you suggest as an alternative way for adoptive parents to let others know that they are in an unexpected bind and would be grateful for some financial help?

 

It seems that a relatively impersonal, general facebook link / page with a paypal button would be a good way to let people know without being in their face, and make it easy for the person to help if they want to or scroll on by if they don't, without an embarrassing face-to-face discussion.  But if you know of a better way to do it without anyone being embarrassed or pressured, I'm all ears.

 

I get that this type of promotion doesn't go over great with everyone.  Neither do a lot of things on facebook.  Anyone think I really care about my friends' latest score on Candy Crush?  Or that I really need to read that 100th "inspirational quote" or "superfood recommendation" posted since morning?  Or how many miles they ran on their treadmill, or where they are eating dinner today, or ....?  No, but I don't let it bug me.  I just move on.

I think advertising you're doing a garage sale (or other event) to raise funds to pursue adoption is absolutely fine. In cases like this, sometimes if we're moved we'll just send someone a check if we can't be at their event and it can move other people to do the same. If a family is working hard behind the scenes to make it happen, it feels more like something I want to support. I've seen one family advertise that they were looking for lawns to take care of one summer to help raise money for a particular purpose. I know they ended up with some anonymous donations through advertising that way, but they did not solicit for them or expect that.

 

I have to say, if I direct donated to someone for adoption and later found out they used the tax credit to travel to Disney I would be irritated. If I had spent $50 at a garage sale they had to raise funds, it wouldn't bother me one bit and wouldn't give it a 2nd thought.

 

I absolutely agree about much of that other stuff on FB, I turn ALL that kind of thing off. As I would turn off anyone soliciting funds more than once.

[Guest]

Dare I say this? What bothers me more in recent years is that I feel it is becoming "trendy" to adopt one or more older children from a third-world country. This DOES appear to be done in the spirit of "rescue". Admittedly, one wants to help rescue these desperately poor children, but the adoptions I've been aware of in the last few years have been about this much more than as a way to build a family.

[inmyopinion]

I have a close friend who recently adopted and it was a few of us who encouraged her to set up something for fundraising.  They shared their story with us and we wanted to help and assumed others would also.  It was a help to them not only financially, but to have close friends who supported them emotionally.  I would rather be asked to help donate money to bring a child home then to buy some over priced wrapping paper or cheesecake to fund a school program.  

[TheBugs]

...

[albeto.]

So, where I live, 3 couples that I know have adopted in the past few years. Another of my FB friends just posted a fundraising page today. All of these couples have been raising money, having fund raisers...benefits, etc to bring their children home. All are internationally adopted.

 

Tacky isn't really the word that comes to my mind, but it works. Then again, if any of my facebook friends tried doing this, they'd get a lot of helpful information from others about supporting reproductive autonomy and family planning domestically and internationally. Birth control costs a hellova lot less than adoption, and family planning is directly correlated with increased education, health, economic opportunities, etc. A win-win scenario for everyone involved. It feels like a hopeless battle today. On the one hand, these kids are already alive and kicking, they need attention and that's sorely lacking throughout the world. On the other, asking money to adopt is like asking people to hand you towels to put out fires while ignoring the people standing by with the flame-throwers. Put down the ******* flamethrowers, stop teaching people to set their land aflame, give extinguishers to people, teach them how to use them. I dunno. Bad analogy maybe. 

[Meadowlark]

Catwoman, first of all, you are the one putting words in my mouth.

 

Secondly, what do you suggest as an alternative way for adoptive parents to let others know that they are in an unexpected bind and would be grateful for some financial help?

 

It seems that a relatively impersonal, general facebook link / page with a paypal button would be a good way to let people know without being in their face, and make it easy for the person to help if they want to or scroll on by if they don't, without an embarrassing face-to-face discussion. But if you know of a better way to do it without anyone being embarrassed or pressured, I'm all ears.

 

I get that this type of promotion doesn't go over great with everyone. Neither do a lot of things on facebook. Anyone think I really care about my friends' latest score on Candy Crush? Or that I really need to read that 100th "inspirational quote" or "superfood recommendation" posted since morning? Or how many miles they ran on their treadmill, or where they are eating dinner today, or ....? No, but I don't let it bug me. I just move on.

I've been thinking about this all day, how should an adoptive family let others know they are in an "unexpected bind". See, that's the thing. In my area, this is the 3rd or 4th couple that I know personally that have asked for help publicly through fund raisers and straightforward asking via Facebook or blog. So, unless there are 3-4 other adoptive families in my area that did not ask for help, they are the norm and not the exception.

 

Furthermore, at least 2 of these couples stated early on in the process that they were seeking financial help. In this family's case that I've referenced, it came in the form of a letter via her blog. So the asking for money was clear, early, and most definitely not because they were in an "unexpected bind".

 

So clearly they went into this adoption knowing that they could not afford it on their own. Whether or not they should or shouldn't ask...well, I think we've established that we all feel differently about that. We can agree to disagree. My original question has been answered...it does seem to make some (even most by the slant of this thread) uncomfortable when people ask for money to fund an adoption. I was looking for a little perspective on whether or not we were nuts for feeling a little odd about it...and by the way, another request on FB tonight entitled "just keep SHARING"...

[Jenny in Florida]

I think advertising you're doing a garage sale (or other event) to raise funds to pursue adoption is absolutely fine. In cases like this, sometimes if we're moved we'll just send someone a check if we can't be at their event and it can move other people to do the same. If a family is working hard behind the scenes to make it happen, it feels more like something I want to support.

 

Exactly, this is the difference for me, too.

 

I feel about this pretty much the same way I feel about any and all fund-raising appeals for personal purposes: I absolutely support and admire people who work hard to raise the money necessary to realize a dream. I would happily shop that garage sale and overpay for items I might not even like in order to support the effort. If I thought it would be accepted, I might well offer an outright donation.

 

This is very different, in my mind, from just begging for money from friends and family.

 

It's similar to how I felt when my son and his choir were doing the fund-raising for their big tour a couple of years ago. We were repeatedly encouraged to "ask friends and family to help." Setting aside the fact that we don't actually have any family to speak of and none of our friends are better off than we are, I simply refused to make those requests. I was completely supportive of the kids actually working to raise the money. My son staffed the gift wrapping table at a bookstore, sang for a bunch of events, etc. I also took him around to local businesses and requested donations for the choir's auction (which provides businesses with a chance to promote their products or services and possibly bring in new customers).

 

What I didn't expect was for everyone we knew to dig into their pockets and hand us money just because we asked.

 

It's the same thing I've said before about youth groups who run car washes or hold spaghetti dinners or church bake sales versus those who stand in front of the grocery store shaking cans and begging for donations . I will nearly always participate or give as much of a donation as a I can to the first  group and walk past the second without opening my purse.

 

Obviously, adopting a child is a much more important cause than travelling with a choir. But the distinction is valid for me. I understand and support self-help that requires effort and investment (of time, energy, etc.) on the part of the person or group doing the fund raising. I can't get behind plain old solicitation.

[Haiku]

I have two internationally adopted special-need kids. We did not fundraise to adopt them. 

 

I am dismayed by the attitudes I see in this thread. We're talking about kids in orphanages, kids growing up with no mommy to kiss them and dry their tears, no daddy to tuck them in at night, no one to love them the way they were made to be loved. Many of these kids are literally starving to death. Many are literally dying of neglect and lack of medical care. And people are annoyed that others are asking for help? People think that these kids should only get families if a family can afford to come up with tens of thousands of dollars up front? Are you willing to be the one who tells a kid, "Sorry, anonymous kid in another country that I don't know and therefore don't really have to care about, I know you want a family, and there is a family that wants you, but some of us think it's tacky that they can't afford to adopt you on their own so we're not helping, but don't worry, just sit tight in your orphanage and grow up a little more every day without a family, eventually they'll get there." Think about it from a kid's perspective.

 

You may think it's tacky that someone is asking you for help, but I doubt anyone is asking you to take food out of your own kids' mouths to give them money. Most people are hoping you can spare $5 or $10 or $20. Little amounts add up. Every little bit helps. And it changes the world for the child who gets a family to love them. Stop thinking of it as helping a family do something they "can't afford" and start thinking of it as helping a child. Because it is. We adopted kids because we wanted to expand our family, but I am never going to pretend that we didn't help our kids by doing so. Read the statistics on kids who grow up in orphanages and then say, with a straight face, that wanting more kids is the only reason to adopt. We wanted kids and so we chose to add to our family in a way that is mutually beneficial to us and the kids we adopted.

 

I understand and support self-help that requires effort and investment (of time, energy, etc.) on the part of the person or group doing the fund raising. I can't get behind plain old solicitation.

 

I'm assuming you haven't adopted, because this comment (and all the similar ones) betrays a real lack of understanding of what goes into an international adoption. The entire process is defined by effort and investments of time and energy (as well as emotion and money). Months and months of my life were consumed by little more than the work it took to adopt my kids.

 

I am not a rugged individualist. I don't buy into the idea that we are all solely responsible for ourselves. I believe the world only works in a positive way when we all work together. I am proud to be part of the village that helps adoptive families and adopted kids come together.

[Meadowlark]

I can't figure how to quote on the iPad, or I would...

 

Both Taratheliberator and Plansrme commented that they have adopted internationally, and both made it a point that they did not ask for a penny. Why do you feel the need to point that out to us? Maybe I'm just missing something, but I don't see why you had to point that out.

[Haiku]

I can't figure how to quote on the iPad, or I would...

 

Both Taratheliberator and Plansrme commented that they have adopted internationally, and both made it a point that they did not ask for a penny. Why do you feel the need to point that out to us? Maybe I'm just missing something, but I don't see why you had to point that out.

 

Because if we didn't, people might assume we fundraised and just say, "Well of course you asked for money, so you think it's fine to do so." I didn't fundraise, and I still think it's fine to do so. 

[PentecostalMom]

Not sure of all of the details, but my SIL adopted a sibling group of three, domestically and out of foster care and the following year received a 30K tax refund.  BTW, they did not ask for any $$ for anything.  The kids are loved and we are thrilled to have them!

 

Just putting this out referring to the tax credit/lack of tax credit discussion.  This was within the past three years

[Miss Peregrine]

I have no problem with fundraising. Asking for money is another thing. I actually saw a blogger divide her FB friends list up and said, "if each if you send $x.xx amount our adoption will be covered." :/

[Haiku]

BTW, they did not ask for any $$ for anything.  

 

Foster care adoptions generally do not entail expenses on the part of the adoptive parents. 

[myfunnybunch]

I am not a rugged individualist. I don't buy into the idea that we are all solely responsible for ourselves. I believe the world only works in a positive way when we all work together. I am proud to be part of the village that helps adoptive families and adopted kids come together.

 

I wish I could like your post ten times.

 

Cat

 

[NicAnn]

I'm not understanding now anyone could be against this type of fundraising. I've read the replies, the reasons, and I still don't get it.

 

We aren't talking about happy, healthy, little babies being raised in affluent two parent homes. Foster care in the states, and orphanages in other countries, are full of problems. If a family has a heart to adopt, particularly at risk kids or special needs, then I'm all for giving them whatever help I can.

 

I think some May not understand that kids in orphanages age out at early ages. It's not like US foster care where you can be in the system until you're 21. We are talking about 12,13,14 year olds no longer being cared for. We are talking about children who could be healthy and thriving with the right care, but instead are left in cribs well into their childhoods and teen years. Even in the decent orphanages, in many countries, there is still a huge level of neglect.

 

I don't personally care if there is a rescue mentality out there. There SHOULD be. Rescuing some of these kids is, in my opinion, the only decent, moral thing to do.

[SKL]

I can't figure how to quote on the iPad, or I would...

 

Both Taratheliberator and Plansrme commented that they have adopted internationally, and both made it a point that they did not ask for a penny. Why do you feel the need to point that out to us? Maybe I'm just missing something, but I don't see why you had to point that out.

 

Same is true for me, so I'll put my two cents in.  We want to make it clear up front that we are not responding because we are defensive about what we've done.  People might give us less credibility if they felt we were just being defensive in a self-centered way.

 

Someone else commented that it seemed to be the "norm" that adoptive parents ask friends for money.  I don't see that at all.  I'm on an international adoption facebook group where there are thousands of adoptive families, many of whom are in the process of their second / third / fifth adoption.  There have been three requests for financial help that I recall (on facebook re adoption), and these were put up by friends of the family.  One of them has had a <1yr process turned into 6 years and counting, with a great deal of added expense.  One is for a family whose blog I used to follow when my kids came home - their adoption of a 5yo girl had been finalized just before Christmas (they were so excited, bedroom readied, gifts bought), and about a week before the December pickup trip, someone broke into the foster home and slashed everyone (including the child) to death.  This family has gone on to adopt another girl and is now in process for another adoption.  The appeal for help doesn't mention the past horror, but I happen to remember it and I am moved to help this family become complete. 

 

But the vast majority of people either say nothing about the finance aspect of their adoptions, or they look for ways to fundraise using elbow grease.  Some of them will have an unobtrusive "help us" button on one side of their blog.  One who comes to mind is a single mom of 3 who teaches elementary school.  Her newest addition is (from Haiti) is HIV positive and has significant health issues.  She has done garage sales and crafts and stuff like that to raise money.  She isn't out begging for money, but could she use some, sure.  Does she have time to go get a second job or something, probably not.

 

[PhotoGal]

This is a huge controversy in the adoption community. Some people are very much against fundraising and some support it whole-heartedly. We did not fundraise, but I can understand why some people do. I think it is okay to fundraise to cover some of the costs - up to the tax credit (unless the tax credit is used for another adoption).

 

I do have a problem if the child's photograph is used in the fundraising (as in "save this poor orphan"). I feel when that child grows up, he or she may feel embarrassed, angry, or like she owes people. I never saw this kind of fundraising seven years ago, but I see it very often online now. There seems to be a big push at certain churches to "save the orphan" and I think that is where much of this began. It is disturbing and I hope these kids don't have a hard time later because of it.

[NASDAQ]

I look for my charitable contributions to do the most good for the least money, and international adoption is not an efficient way to improve the welfare of children (since 25K goes a lot further if you distribute it amongst children who can stay where they are, with assistance). If it's a way to get kids into your particular family, that's just fine, but not a charity.

 

I don't run in circles where adoption, international or otherwise, is very common. So I've never seen this, except online. As usual, the online representatives are often the whackiest version of reality.

 

I think there are some problems to do with a segment of the international adoption community and I hope they get it sorted.

[LucyStoner]

I have no problem with fundraising. Asking for money is another thing.

Fundraising is asking for money.  Asking for money is also the most efficient way to fundraise.  If I give you $10, you get $10.  If you sell me a shirt or a dozen cookies or a jar of jelly for $10, you get the $10 less the costs and opportunity costs (what else you could have been doing with your time besides organizing that garage sale or raffle or auction or making t-shirts or cookies).  As a donor, I'd rather just give $10 or $100 or $1,000 and be done with it.  I don't want my donation costing the recipient money.  Maybe it's because I've been a fundraising director but please just let me press the donate now button or mail you a check.  I don't want to be left with crap I don't want or need or have to spend my evening at an event.  Just take my money. 

[Haiku]

Yup. If you buy a $20 tshirt, the person you're donating to gets about $7. Do you want to donate $7 or do you want to donate $20? Is the point to get something or to help out? If you want to help out, just donate the $20 directly to the person. Don't make them go through a costly middleman.

 

I don't get how making someone hold a fundraiser makes their cause more worthy of assistance.