Mandylubug Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 We were at co-op yesterday and my daughter was playing rough with another boy in her class. They were doing Ninjaish moves. Some shoving but it was quite mutual and in all fun. Could someone get hurt? Absolutely. There was one point she fell to her knees while holding on and was drug for a good six feet. She has older brothers. She plays tackle football with brothers and cousins. She is a rough and tumble girl and boys love to play with her. Well, yesterday her friend started playing rough with them but the mom nipped it. Said in no circumstances would opposite genders wrestle or have their hands on each other. It caused a scene, the boys mom reprimanded him and she came up apologizing for his behavior. I admitted it was probably my girl that initiated the rough playing. It has me pondering. Is it inappropriate to allow my daughter to play rough with a boy due to the sheer fact of her gender? If that's the case, does that mean my son, that is best friends with a girl, should be discouraged in playing tag or running across the field holding hands even though it is absolutely innocent and in full view of parents? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 at 8 I wouldn't be concerned. at 12 I would possibly be concerned and discouraging it, just because 12 year old boys are going through that do not know their strength stage, older than 12 I would discourage it because I would feel that wrestling would be a cover for touching. Oh I just reread your post, I thought you meant wrestling. I would have no problem with playing tag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 It depends on the age of kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I only have boys, so... I've seen this rule enforced by moms of girls and I have to admit I think its silly & can be harmful. I think it assigns negative intent where there is none nor should the kids have those seeds planted at their ages. But mine may be an unpopular opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 If they're five and six (under 13, really), I have no problem with girls wrestling and rough housing with boys...including rolling around in the grass together. If they're 15 and 16...no. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 They are 8. Some tag, snatching and pulling, star wars type fighting. They are definitely rough and some times footballish tackling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Once they start hitting the teens I would say no, under that, I wouldn't really care. I've seen rough housing go too far with teenagers before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I don't see anything wrong with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I would, that is if I had girls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I only have boys, so... I've seen this rule enforced by moms of girls and I have to admit I think its silly & can be harmful. I think it assigns negative intent where there is none nor should the kids have those seeds planted at their ages. But mine may be an unpopular opinion. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 Thank you all for your reassurances. We are new to this co-op this year. I was afraid I was committing a social faux pas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I don't let my boys wrestle with their sisters or any other girls. There may not be anything inappropriate at a young age, but I just don't want them to even start. But that's just me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 there's a point when it becomes something to pay more attention to (about the time there get's to be a real difference in size and strength), but for kids I think it is more healthy. i think the constant focus on boys and girls shouldn't do anything together to cause more problems than it's supposed to help. my dd's x-cntry team had much more comfortable relationships between the boys and the girls than the church groups. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I have brothers (slightly older than me) and we did this all the time. I could hold my own. I would not encourage it past the age when any of them may be close to starting puberty. Aside from the concern of possible "cover for touching," girls' parts start to become very tender and boys aren't going to be careful about that. I can understand some parents wanting to just never let it happen rather than have to put a stop to it at some point. Those whose kids are all one gender have this luxury. Myself included. My daughters haven't wrestled with boys (unless it's happening at school) because they aren't around boys who are that familiar. We do take TKD classes and they spar with boys. No biggie at all. I also spar with men. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 No. Play with boys, yes; play rough and wrestle, no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Yes, if she wants to play like that she can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Yes. We had to inform her that clotheslining was not allowed. As she gets older, I wouldn't be surprised if she naturally stops roughhousing, but I don't see it stopping anytime soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sisyphus Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 At that age? No problem, for us. I only have boys, and at 11-12 there is a natural no touching rule that seems to go into effect. If it doesn't, height and weight disparities (at those ages, the girls are generally bigger and developing) go into effect and it becomes unFair and awkward, so a word may be necessary. At 8? No, and it seems odd to me to point it out, unless the person is just uncomfortable with physical roughhousing altogether. But gender wouldn't matter at those ages, to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I only have boys, but to me the play is either okay or not and gender has nothing to do with it, especially before they're teens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 As a rough and tumble girl who wrestled in high school, no. I would not bar mutual cross gender wrestling or rough housing. As a mom of boys I agree with Momoflaw. I think it is really unhealthy to assign negative intentions or connotations to innocent touch, especially pre-puberty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsJewelsRae Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I don't allow my 11 year old to wrestle with girls, my dd (9) is not a wrestler or rough houser, even with 2 brothers- if a boy tried to wrestle with her she'd be likely to kick him in the shins. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I allow it, even now with dd14 a teen. Generally speaking she and her male friends don't play wrestle but they will occasionally tackle one another for a moment to grab a remote or something. WHen it came down to play wrestling I had 2 rules, if you get broken find your own way to the hospital or allow me to "operate". They learned early on crying to me over injuries due to starting a wrestling match got them zero sympathy and the game was over so they hold their own pretty well. When dd14 hit about 12 she naturally started to back off on the wrestling as did her male friends. They all still hang out and goof off and there is some gentle shoving/elbowing but not really rough housing anymore. The funniest thing now is she and one of her male friends have their secret handshakes that ends in a "bro hug" because he is smitten with her and that's not happening kwim. I have never had to step in and cause a scene because my dd has been good at self monitoring behaviour in that regard and nipping it hersef since she started puberty really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vida Winter Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 It has never come up with my girls, but no I don't think I would allow it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I allowed it and don't remember any problems. My girl was older than my boy, so I did remind her that he would be physically stronger than her someday and would remember how she treated him while she had the physical advantage. They worked it out on their own just fine. I remind my wide age gap boys that little bro will be a lot stronger than big bro when big bro is pushing 40 and little bro is twentysomething. Little bro still giggles when I tell him to look out for big bro, but he'll understand when he needs to. I vaguely remember roughhousing with my boy cousins. My youngest cuz was a few months older than my big sis, who had some serious martial arts training by the time puberty came along so that put an end to it, but it's really none of my business whether she was concerned about accidentally hurting cuz's body or his feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I did until 14 or so but only with boys I knew very well and/or was related to. I only have boys and on the same grounds I would be fine except ds6 is too big and rough so I encourage to stick to boys preferably older than him. Ds4 would be fine probably. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I never stopped my dd. There was a point around 6 or 7 she only had boy friends. So, if she couldn't play the way boys play that would have been hard. I would have stopped her if she did that over age 11. By 11, she socialized with mostly girls and didn't wrestle anymore. I think most little girls who wrestle with boys gradually stop playing that way between ages 10 and 12. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Honestly, I dislike rough housing and if a co op was a consistent rough housing situation, I would find another group. My kids don't like it either. I wouldn't like my girls rough housing with boys, especially past a certain age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I have boys only. I probably would not like a co-OP that was heavy on the rough housing/ninja moves. I would rather see my boys competing physically in a less random - soccer, basketball, etc. Even just racing can burn energy any allow competitive aggression. I guess my female bias arises here, but I really hate unstructured rough housing especially as kids get bigger and stronger. It just takes one kid who gets mad or has poor judgment and someone gets hurt. Just not my cup of tea in a group of kids I don't really know or have authority over. The girl part would not be as big of a problem with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 My concern isn't necessarily the who but the where. I am fine with the mixed gender rough play, but playing like that inside a building was not allowed. Too me that is outside play especially if the co-op is being held in a church building or someone's house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I have no problem with pre-pubescent girls and boys participating in rough play together...outside. Hitting would not be allowed. I played soccer on the boys' high school soccer team so I don't have a problem with girls playing tag-like games with boys even after puberty but I do draw the line at wrestling due to the many moves that involve grabbing inappropriate areas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 As a mom of boys, I don't allow them to wrestle with girls. My reason is simple, when it has happened and I didn't catch it, the girl always ends up crying. Always. Even if the girl starts it. My boys and their friends are constantly wrestling and slamming each other around and sometimes it ends with crying, but usually not. So I just tell them don't mess with girls like that, they are welcome to play, but keep your hands off...because I don't want to deal with the crying girl :laugh: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I have boys only. I probably would not like a co-OP that was heavy on the rough housing/ninja moves. I would rather see my boys competing physically in a less random - soccer, basketball, etc. Even just racing can burn energy any allow competitive aggression. I guess my female bias arises here, but I really hate unstructured rough housing especially as kids get bigger and stronger. It just takes one kid who gets mad or has poor judgment and someone gets hurt. Just not my cup of tea in a group of kids I don't really know or have authority over. The girl part would not be as big of a problem with me. My eldest is only 7 and we are already starting to deal with this. He is 52 inches and 63 pounds and his best friend is not far behind him. They were wresting in the bedroom the other day and broke one of the slats on the bed :glare: . They are just too big to do that kind of stuff inside anymore, I can't imagine letting them do it at CC. They slam into each other and knock things/people over now. We just send them out to the trampoline when they want to throw each other around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I don't think in the terms that wrestling or rough housing is a boy or girl thing. However, in general, with some kids who like to rough house you have to watch. If they are engaging with another child who is o.k. with it, that is one thing. I have seen some kids not be able to keep it there. They will aimlessly go up to other children and try and start it when the other party isn't interested. In that situation, the person not interested always gets hurts. Also, when rough house initiater is confronted, they will claim other party started it. OR The rough house initiatar has become the master of going out of the way to try and "start" rough housing with other children, but hurting them, when parents aren't around. So, rough housing and playing around are o.k. but sometimes the kids who like engaging in it can cross a line by hurting other kids who don't want to be invovled. My kids do rough houseing with each other at home. However, not a co-op. I don't want to pay attention to what is going on and in some situations, something goes wrong and someone is crying and some parent is upset which stresses me out....So, if others want too, carry on. I just don't like the fallout. :001_rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I wouldn't give it a second thought. My dds naturally curbed this when they got to be 12 or 13 and it dawned on them boys were different. My 15 yo plays soccer with guys because there isn't any choice. I would never tell her no because she might get inadvertently touched. And if they are grade school kids the adult is the one with the dirty mind, not the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 My girls are rather physical and rough, at least they were when they were younger. Once hormones hit, this changed very naturally without any intervention. The more physically oriented ones are still physical but will be so in age appropriate ways--sports, martial arts, trampoline, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSOchristie Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 We were at co-op yesterday and my daughter was playing rough with another boy in her class. They were doing Ninjaish moves. Some shoving but it was quite mutual and in all fun. Could someone get hurt? Absolutely. There was one point she fell to her knees while holding on and was drug for a good six feet. She has older brothers. She plays tackle football with brothers and cousins. She is a rough and tumble girl and boys love to play with her. Well, yesterday her friend started playing rough with them but the mom nipped it. Said in no circumstances would opposite genders wrestle or have their hands on each other. It caused a scene, the boys mom reprimanded him and she came up apologizing for his behavior. I admitted it was probably my girl that initiated the rough playing. It has me pondering. Is it inappropriate to allow my daughter to play rough with a boy due to the sheer fact of her gender? If that's the case, does that mean my son, that is best friends with a girl, should be discouraged in playing tag or running across the field holding hands even though it is absolutely innocent and in full view of parents? This to me is completely different than ninja fighting and wrestling. I don't mind a light tag or hand holding in an appropriate place, like a gym or playground. When my boys do ninja moves with their friends, it always involves grabbing hands and twisting, or grabbing a foot that has been kicked at them so they can throw the kicker on the floor. Maybe some girls can take that kind of action, but none that we know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I allow all the kinds of play that are OK with me to happen regardless of gender. However, roughhousing is not a kind of play that I allow at all with young children. As they age I do allow some forms of 'pretending to fight' -- but not the kind that has any kind of prolonged or actually forceful contact. (I imagine the do get rougher when under supervised, or supervised by someone who is OK with roughhousing.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Camelfeet Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Mine has rough housed with boys and I'm okay with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 If it is something I would let my son do, I would let my DD do the same. If it is so dangerous that I would be worried about DD getting hurt, I would be worried about DS getting hurt just as well. I can't see what it has to do with gender, since girls are not more fragile or accident prone than boys. My DS does several martial arts. There are girls in all his classes, and of course there is mixed sparring. He has a group of friends over twice a week for martial arts practice, half of them girls. They are all between 13 and 19. None of the parents have a problem with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I have no problems with girls playing rough. My 8yo dd has 2 brothers...one 2 years older and the other 1 year younger. She can hold her own. LOL That said, I don't allow rough play inside or around other kids who might be innocent by-standers. I generally allow it outside, if they are pretending and everyone understands when the pretending needs to stop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 My girls do like to wrestle with each other, which I allow at home (up to a point, of course). I think it's developmentally appropriate and would think so if one of them was a boy (they are 7yo). I really don't know how much I'd allow outside of my home, because it hasn't ever come up. I remember my two older brothers getting into it. It always started out as innocent fun. Eventually someone would get hurt and then there would be retailation. The oldest, more aggressive but puny brother would sometimes end up with an injury that required medical attention. Although of course it was always an "accident," that would not be fun for me as a parent. One thing I would note is that if there is a significant size / age / strength difference between the participants, I could understand the parents not allowing roughhousing. You never know what the other kid's parent is going to do if their kid gets hurt. I know enough people who believe their child is always the victim no matter what. And I also understand that some parents want to instill the "males do not hurt females" value early on. To each his own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Honestly, I dislike rough housing and if a co op was a consistent rough housing situation, I would find another group. My kids don't like it either. I wouldn't like my girls rough housing with boys, especially past a certain age. This. My dd's have never been the rough housing type. (My boys do rough house with each other at home but not with others. This is another issue, though, and it causes problems.) We belong to a co op, and no rough housing is allowed regardless of gender or age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I hate it too. I have tried in the past to be cool about it, but no every single damn time someone would get hurt. And I mean very hurt. Once one of mine was pushed from a very high height off of playground equipment and bit his tongue very hard and it bled like crazy. Then another time another one of mine was poked in they eye with a stick. Another time one was pushed down a hill. I just don't even allow it anymore. Every time it got stupid. Every time. And neither of my kids are really into it to begin with. It drives me crazy when parents wouldn't say anything when they were literally beating the crud out of my kids right there in front of everyone. So now I step in and say no. Makes me look like an overprotective weirdo, but I really don't care anymore. I see no sense in any of that shi*. It's not a girl or boy thing in my mind. That doesn't factor into it at all for me. Yep. That is my experience. It just doesn't end well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 My kids don't do this with anyone but their siblings. I wouldn't be comfortable with my kids rough housing at a co-op regardless of gender. I have one son that doesn't like rough housing in general but some boys started it with him at a baseball game and wouldn't stop after he repeatedly asked them to. It didn't end pretty and I have no desire to revisit that. In our family, I don't mind my oldest boy being a jungle gym for my girls who are younger than him. He doesn't mind either. He's old enough to be careful and they can't do any damage to him. The one area we don't allow it is between our two middle ones. Our girl is younger but taller than our boy and she is definitely more aggressive. I don't think it is healthy for either one of them that she constantly is trying to overpower him. They are so competitive so I try to limit it hands-off activities! I see nothing wrong with tag but I'd probably draw the line too at tackle football at a co-op. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 I wanted to clarify that it wasn't the boy's mom that had issue but the mother of a second child wanting to join in the fun. It was never indoors but outside in a large field where all the kids run and play. My daughter knows that if she dishes it out she better be ready to take it. Injury is uncommon for her and typically doesn't go to too rough. Some times I do step in and ask her to calm down a bit. My other twin DD isn't much of a rough player and has no issue with being sucked in with rough play. It seems it stays within the original players and never a rolling in grass roughness or jumping off walls etc like some mentioned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 It was one of the main factors our last homeschool group completely fell apart. Very sad. We had been going there for years. People just were not all on the same page about it and it led to some major tension. That is really sad. It seems such a minor issue, but I know how those can become all-important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 It got totally out of hand. I really could kick myself for not speaking up sooner though. And when someone kinda stepped up and said hey lets try to save this situation (group) some of the reactions were just completely ridiculous. This is a very sore topic for me. I am not against playing around so long as people are on the same page. The problem is, they rarely are. I understand. I am still trying to process a similar situation that went badly very quickly for no good reason. Mostly, I sat on the sidelines going, "What???" By the time I "showed up", it was far too late. So I feel your pain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I was reading this hoping someone would pull up that article (I can't right now) that went around a couple years ago about why tussling is good, because it gives you a sense of your body or some-such. I imagine that's even more important for girls who are inclined to tussle. I only have boys though, so no skin in this game. When I babysat I definitely let the girls and boys play around with each other. Kids are kids are kids. I was myself a scrapper and can honestly say it was pretty important to me to be able to do it. No one is suggesting making little girls wrestle with boys, but if they want to do it, I mean, teach them the basics (no face, no pile drives, no face, no tearing clothes, no face) and let them go to town. The OP--I think that woman at your thing over-reacted. She could have just pulled her own daughter aside quietly and reminded HER that THEY have a no rough-housing rule. And I wouldn't ave made my kid apologize when he didn't even hurt anyone. Nor was your daugter, who was having a fine time of it, at fault for anything. You couldn't possibly know the individual family rules for that one specific family. This may be true to some degree for a lot of people, but I wonder if it also relates to Sensory Processing Disorder where physical stimulation, pushing against weight, and feeling strong pressure can be especially helpful for feeling good. Having kids like this, I almost think the urge to play roughly is something hardwired in some people. So if others don't have it, they may not understand that urge. Two of my rough-housers also love to climb, so when we go for a walk it the woods, it's inevitable that if the see a climbable tree or a large, tall fallen tree, they will climb it. I used to worry about it, but dh strongly insists it is good for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I am so impressed! I *do* have SPD and never thought about it re: rough-housing. Rough-housing is sensory seeking behavior. :) I definitely think of myself as a sensory avoider type but we are all supposed to be a mix. I have amazing memories of how great it felt to wrestle when I was young. There was something deeply satisfying about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 I only have a daughter, but she did this with her boy cousins until she was a teenager and then just stopped. My brothers used to wrestle with my sister and I all the time when we were children. They somehow knew when to stop and not to be as rough with me since I was a lot smaller than they were. It never caused a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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