What do you think of this living situation?

[Whereneverever]

One of my friends is planning to move their ten year old out of their house to another building on their property. It's probably 20 meters or so from the main house to the building.

 

Building will have a bathroom and heat, water, and electricity. It looks pretty cool, actually.

 

Does it seem weird to move a kid that age like that? Or am I weird?

[NicAnn]

No way would I move a kid into another building. What if he got hurt? No one would hear him scream.

[NicAnn]

Or a fire? Or intruder...animal or human. Does a 10 year old know what to do in that situation? Many adults don't.

[Whereneverever]

So, I'm marking you down for not thinking I'm weird. ;)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Too young. 

[Mandylubug]

Hahaha that would be my boys dreams come true and since I remember all the trouble I got into as a preteen and teen my mommy sense says heck to the no! No way!

[Seasider]

Nope. No way.

[Mandylubug]

I'd consider it a family space and play room etc. But at night he would be in the main house.

[JustEm]

No way in hell

[poppy]

That's crazy.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I agree it is too young. My DSalmost11 has been going around for at least a month now talking about the backyard fort/clubhouse he is going to build with DH after we move. He talks nonstop about how he will basically move back there...yanno...to LIVE. Well, at least when he is 12. He will have a parrot and take the dog for security. Nope. Nopety, nope, no. But for now I nod and smile.

[Whereneverever]

Ah, the sweet feeling of Internet validation...

[AurieD]

From about the age of 10 till 15 I slept in a different building (about 50m away) to my family by my choice, I could have shared a very large bedroom with my two younger sisters but I preferred the privacy. I also still sometimes slept in the main house if I was feeling that way inclined. However we lived on a reasonably remote farm so intruders were not a concern at all, nor was sneaking out as there was no where I could get to. It was before the age of mobile phones, no hand held consoles, no TV in that room etc so really there was not much that could be a problem except staying up way later than I should reading.

 

I would be unlikely to consider it an option in the city where we live now.

[Whereneverever]

Oh, if it matters it's not in a city at all.

[Word Nerd]

Count me in the "that's weird and 10 is too young" camp.

[MysteryJen]

I would move there, and leave the kid in the big house with his father.

 

Or is that just me?

[Whereneverever]

So would you tell your friend it's weird or myob?

[Farrar]

It feels too young to me too. But... I don't think it's completely nuts. I mean, I wouldn't be crying child endangerment or anything.

[Whereneverever]

I would move there, and leave the kid in the big house with his father.

 

Or is that just me?

 

Ooooh, a mom cave??

[Χά�ων]

I would. I had debated building 3 Tiny Houses instead of a house. Two smaller ones would have served as bedrooms with bathroom and the third would be a central kitchen/family/living area. We live rural. The only problem would be when we have mountain lions on the property. But still, not enough of an on going issue to convince me not to change my mind.

 

Or a fire? Or intruder...animal or human. Does a 10 year old know what to do in that situation? Many adults don't.

Mine does!

[trulycrabby]

Too young!!!

[Mom23Boys]

I think it is weird. No way would I let my boys (11,10 & 6) do that. In fact, I doubt they would, even if I was okay with it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't think it is wise.  But I wouldn't volunteer my opinion on the matter.

[Chris in VA]

Too young. 

 

Plus, I don't think it's good to encourage kids in early teens/teens to isolate from the fam. May or may not happen in that case, but the potential is there. 

 

Did your friend say why she's thinking of doing this?

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

Nope nope nope. 10? Nope.

[Scarlett]

Too young for my comfort......my dh's XW has their 17 yo son living in a trailer next door to her house with his 18 yo step brother. No running water. Electricity by means of extension cord.....makes us ill....but honestly I don't think it is the end of the world.

[Mergath]

I don't understand why someone would do this.  What, now that he's ten it's time for him to move out and live on his own?  I think it's bizarre.

[Joanne]

Too young.

 

A nearly 48 year old mom sounds like a good match for that living space. ;)

[Whereneverever]

I believe the issue is that they are tight for bedrooms and giving everyone more personal space?

[poppy]

If the house it too crowded, I think it would be smarter to use the additional space during daylight hours.  Not for a child's sleeping space.  I'd want him to be safe and able to quickly access me at night when he's most vulnerable.  If there is a fire, water leak, overflowing toilet, or worst case an intruder--- even if the kid was prepped for what to do in an emergency, I would not put the burden of that responsibility on him at age 10.  Not every night.

[poppy]

So would you tell your friend it's weird or myob?

 

If she said in a way that semi-invited feedback, like "we think we're going to do this, it's too crowded here" I'd speak up..

Otherwise probably just judge silently (j/k).

 

I am wondering if it is some weird gender thing where they think as a young man he needs space and independence.

 

[Anne in CA]

Right now my 14yo is in another apartment. We are living in two bed and breakfast suites over our new restaurant. The suites do not connect so I cannot go over and check on them easily. It is more than 20 meters, it is about 35 meters and two sets of steps between both places. I would not do it over again. She was 13 1/2 when we moved in and she was with her 18yo brother. They have been very messy, had many arguments and generally proved that they were not mature enough for this experience. A 10yo might actually be more compliant though, it might work better.

[Murphy101]

So would you tell your friend it's weird or myob?

 

 

Idk. How close a friend? My known them since before puberty friend? Yep. I sure would. My "friend" how we enjoy the occasional coffee and chit chat while the kids play but never really get into anything deep? Idk. I suspect the look on my face would say enough. lol

 

I'd need more info. Is the house overflowing? Why only him? I'd be very bothered by the concept of ostracizing a member of my house.

 

Is this a everyone is happy and including and the place is all good or is this just another version of Harry Potter under the stairs?

[Whereneverever]

They seem happy. I haven't pried. I might see if I can ask some gentle questions without being too nosy.

[ChristusG]

Heck no.

[LucyStoner]

That's like 172 kinds of not gonna happen in my family.  Use the space for an office or a rental or a club house.  Sleeping for a still pretty little kid?  Strange.  

 

That said I had two friends my age with super hands off parents who did something along those lines, one worse (they had her live in a room in the back of their business while they pretty much lived in an RV more than a little hike away, from junior high on up).  Frankly, these kids became adults who really resented it later, even if it seemed all cool and grown up at first.  

[Harriet Vane]

Way too young.

 

Absolutely unsafe and inappropriate.

 

I wouldn't pussyfoot around this one either. Not only is it unsafe for her son, but frankly it could spark a DCFS investigation. 

 

Her son should sleep in the house with the family. End of story.

[Guest submarines]

This would be my 11 yo's dream come true. She'd probably want to come to the main house for the nights. though.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by your friend planning to move her DS. Does her DS want it?

[Element]

Did they mean now? At 10? For real? I have a pretty independent ds10 and I wouldn't do that. Honestly, I don't think I've ever met a 10 y/o as independent as ds and *he* wouldn't want that. I mean, during the day, heck yeah. One night, once in a while? Maybe. But not every night.

[Guest submarines]

I would. I had debated building 3 Tiny Houses instead of a house. Two smaller ones would have served as bedrooms with bathroom and the third would be a central kitchen/family/living area. We live rural. The only problem would be when we have mountain lions on the property. But still, not enough of an on going issue to convince me not to change my mind.

 

Mine does!

 

We've been thinking about this as well!

 

[Guest submarines]

Did they mean now? At 10? For real? I have a pretty independent ds10 and I wouldn't do that. Honestly, I don't think I've ever met a kid as independent as ds and *he* wouldn't want that. I mean, during the day, heck yeah. One night, once in a while? Maybe. But not every night.

 

I think this depends on personality. I assume the kid wouldn't be banned from the main house?

 

My 11 year old would love an arrangement like this. I think it would be ideal for her as well. She'd be welcome in the main house anytime, naturally. Even if there was no designated sleeping space for her, she'd be welcome to camp out in the main house in her sleeping bag.

 

As long as the idea of the move is coming genuinely from the child and he is not being banished, I think it is wonderful--for the right child. It is not like there are no cell phones/ walkie-talkies to communicate if needed.

 

I really don't understand that so many people think it is inappropriate. It is one thing to say that your child wouldn't like it, and maybe many or most wouldn't. I'm sure there are children who'd absolutely love it, and it can be done safely and comfortably for all. A great learning experience too.

[Whereneverever]

It makes me uncomfortable but it's not seeming like a banishing or anything. I think my kids would flip, though. They like being close to each other and us, and I like it, too.

[Mergath]

I think this depends on personality. I assume the kid wouldn't be banned from the main house?

 

My 11 year old would love an arrangement like this. I think it would be ideal for her as well. She'd be welcome in the main house anytime, naturally. Even if there was no designated sleeping space for her, she'd be welcome to camp out in the main house in her sleeping bag.

 

As long as the idea of the move is coming genuinely from the child and he is not being banished, I think it is wonderful--for the right child. It is not like there are no cell phones/ walkie-talkies to communicate if needed.

 

I really don't understand that so many people think it is inappropriate. It is one thing to say that your child wouldn't like it, and maybe many or most wouldn't. I'm sure there are children who'd absolutely love it, and it can be done safely and comfortably for all. A great learning experience too.

 

Whether or not the kid would enjoy it is irrelevant. I don't think it's healthy for a child that age to live off by themselves in a separate residence.  I can't imagine telling a child, "Don't worry, you're still welcome here in the house.  Maybe some night you can sleep over."  I mean, we have so little time with our kids as it is before they grow up and move on.  Why would we want them out even sooner?   

[Guest submarines]

It makes me uncomfortable but it's not seeming like a banishing or anything. I think my kids would flip, though. They like being close to each other and us, and I like it, too.

 

Your perception of the situation is influenced by your experience with your children--naturally so.

 

Does the situation make you uncomfortable objectively speaking, or in a sense that "if this were my child, I would not have done this?"

 

If the child wants it, safety precautions are taken care of, and if the arrangement doesn't work out, thechild can "come home"--what exactly is the problem. 20 meters is a very short distance.

[Megbo]

I think it's a pretty strange idea. I had two friends (twin girls) who lived in their family's guest house throughout high school, but even at that age I don't think it was the best idea. 

[Excelsior! Academy]

I am wondering if there aren't more details to the living arrangements. My mother had an RV in her driveway and my older dc used it to sleep in when we stayed with her this past spring.  Her house wasn't large enough to sleep everyone.  Also, when we were looking for a house we really considered one that had a separate cottage that would have doubled for a girls' bedroom.  Heck, I can  remember me and a friend of mine staying at one of her relatives around that same age.  We stayed in a trailer house on her property, while all of the adults were in the main house.  It was a lot of fun and no real mischief to be had.  It was short term, which does make a difference.

 

My first instincts would be no, but really I would almost have to see the set up in person to make a final judgment.  I would feel much differently if it were pretty secure, had phone/intercom set up and was not one child alone.  A ten year old alone would not be ideal.  Does she have older children that could stay there instead?

[Guest submarines]

Whether or not the kid would enjoy it is irrelevant. I don't think it's healthy for a child that age to live off by themselves in a separate residence.  I can't imagine telling a child, "Don't worry, you're still welcome here in the house.  Maybe some night you can sleep over."  I mean, we have so little time with our kids as it is before they grow up and move on.  Why would we want them out even sooner?   

 

Maybe we are imaging different things. I'm imagining this being just like one's own bedroom, only it is physically separated from the main house--but it is a very short distance. It doesn't change the dynamics anymore than a 10 year old spending some hours a day in his bedroom then emerging for social time and meals, doing some chores, and then going back to his room. I'm not going to tell my kid that she's still welcome in the living room if she wants to spend several hours working on her projects in her room, right? She knows she's always welcome.

 

It is extremely relevant whether a child would enjoy this or not. I have an 11 yo with sensory issues, and it is not healthy for her to be constantly irritated by the noise of living that her younger two siblings produce. And if I had more children, she would have been even more miserable. Not everyone has a huge house with nooks and extra rooms. The small space that we are in is very difficult for her. It is not healthy for me to constantly shush my younger two.

 

You seem to be focused on what you as a parent want--more time with your children. However, judging by your siggy you have one very young child. When families grow, children grow up, the dynamics change, and all kind of different personalities share often a very small place. I'll repeat it--it is very relevant what each particular child needs for his or her mental peace. It is not only about the parents.

[Mergath]

Maybe we are imaging different things. I'm imagining this being just like one's own bedroom, only it is physically separated from the main house--but it is a very short distance. It doesn't change the dynamics anymore than a 10 year old spending some hours a day in his bedroom then emerging for social time and meals, doing some chores, and then going back to his room. I'm not going to tell my kid that she's still welcome in the living room if she wants to spend several hours working on her projects in her room, right? She knows she's always welcome.

 

It is extremely relevant whether a child would enjoy this or not. I have an 11 yo with sensory issues, and it is not healthy for her to be constantly irritated by the noise of living that her younger two siblings produce. And if I had more children, she would have been even more miserable. Not everyone has a huge house with nooks and extra rooms. The small space that we are in is very difficult for her. It is not healthy for me to constantly shush my younger two.

 

You seem to be focused on what you as a parent want--more time with your children. However, judging by your siggy you have one very young child. When families grow, children grow up, the dynamics change, and all kind of different personalities share often a very small place. I'll repeat it--it is very relevant what each particular child needs for his or her mental peace. It is not only about the parents.

 

It does change things, though.  When you share a home with someone, you're part of the ebb and flow of daily life.  You hear each other, you see each other, you feel like a tiny community.  If your child is off every night and much of every day in a completely different building, that's going to change that.

 

Oh, but silly me, I forgot that I don't get to have an opinion because my dd is five.  :001_rolleyes:  

[Jean in Newcastle]

For me it isn't so much about him being in his own space for sleeping.  That doesn't bother me.  It's the fact that at least at my house, the main house would be locked up at night.  And the child's "house" would be separate from that.  So the child would not have an easy option for coming back into the main house for whatever reason, including an emergency.  

[poppy]

Good point about the main house being locked up. Also, I just saw that the OP lives in Wyoming, where it gets snowy & cold for several months a year, so that's another layer preventing the kid easy access to his parents.  He'd have to take time to bundle up and get boots on, or go out in the sub-freezing temps in PJs.