Absolutely appalled and dismayed!

[ValRN]

I am in total disbelief right now. My daughter is in the midst of hosting a sleepover for her 13th birthday, she has 5 girls here and every single one of them is staring at an Ipod or Ipad screen at 1 in the morning. One girl even had the nerve to ask for our WEP key to face chat. My daughter is the oldest here and is the only one that is not using a device. Two of these girls are home-schoolers, and I expect more social etiquette from them.  The girl that asked for the WEP key was on her Ipad within an hour of arriving at our home. I just cannot believe that kids prefer looking at a screen to talking with each other. Yes, they've played games, played in make-up, danced around, and sang; but they always revert back to the 'screens'. It's sad that this is what social interaction is turning into.  Whatever happened to talking and giggling to the wee hours of the morning?

 

My daughter has never attended a sleepover and we've only ever had 1 sleepover. But I tell you what, I will NEVER EVER again host a sleepover, nor will I ever allow my daughter to attend one if this is what today's kids do when they get together.

 

Val

 

 

[Ripley]

I got annoyed at a mom's night out a few weeks ago when my adult peers were doing the same. LOL

 

It's a shame, I agree. I can't decide if I'm just aging into an old fuddy-duddy who can't keep up with the times, or if it really is an etiquette thing.

[MunRoLy]

My daughter was at a slumber party for 6th graders last weekend. At one point early in the evening she and another girl felt left out because the other 12 girls were all on phones or iPads. I said if we ever had a party I'd collect all devices at the door!

[bettyandbob]

That didn't happen at my dd's 16th birthday sleepover. She invited 4 girls. They watched movies and played games. In case you think I wasn't paying attention, I walked through the room a few times. My dd is an IB student at a public high school . All the girls who came were in advanced classes, except one. They have a range of interests and are involved in different activities (art, band,theatre, chorus, one doesn't do anything). They all met through various classes.

 

When dd was in competitive cheer, I saw constant use of phones. When I drove carpool, dd had no one to talk to-- there were 5 girls in the car. Outside of school dd does only ballet now ( 5 + classes per week). I think some of the girls there are like that too, but not all. Her group of friends is not a group connected by one activity.

 

Anyway, not all girls act like this, but some do. I really don't know how dd found a whole group that is not surgically attached to a device, but maybe it's because she doesn't like to use her phone herself. She has had a phone since she was 10 (dh got it for her, I would have waited a couple years). At first she played with it, but not long. Now, she gets in trouble because she often forgets her phone, doesn't charge it or doesn't turn it on. As a result she doesn't get messages from me about picking her up. She has gotten in hot water for not letting me know she was staying after school. This year she has started carrying the phone more. I view it as a safety device. She's at most activities without a parent, but she needs us to drive, so at the very least she needs to call for pickup. I started refusing to drop her off places if she did not have her phone with her, charged.

 

She also thinks dating in high school is silly. I sometimes joke that she's not a teenage girl.

[nd293]

Your house, your rules.

 

We have limited screen time, and only during set times. I have confiscated an iPad on arrival before.

 

I agree it is depressing. We were doing a dinner out with a group of families, and the last time we went all the kids were sitting playing with electronic devices. I handed my phone over when my kids were sitting there with no one to talk to, but we won't go again without a clear No Electronics rule...

[merry gardens]

I want to sympathize but feel a bit like a hypocrit because I am also staring at a screen.

[DawnM]

But are you out with friends while doing it?

 

 

I want to sympathize but feel a bit like a hypocrit because I am also staring at a screen.

 

[creekland]

I want to sympathize but feel a bit like a hypocrit because I am also staring at a screen.

 

I'm staring at a screen, but it's because I'm up early and none of my guys are.  It's always this way in the morning.

 

I'd feel really rude if I went over to your house to visit and pulled out the computer...

 

I wish the next generation could "get" that.  I think they are addicted (literally).

 

[poppy]

I assume the girls had a good time together tonight, and are checking their networks. Maybe even communicating with mom & dad.

 

I'm staring at a screen, but it's because I'm up early and none of my guys are.  It's always this way in the morning.

 

I'd feel really rude if I went over to your house to visit and pulled out the computer...

 

I wish the next generation could "get" that.  I think they are addicted (literally).

 

Every person here who has never posted online while their families are awake, raise your hands.

 

 

[creekland]

I assume the girls had a good time together tonight, and are checking their networks. Maybe even communicating with mom & dad.

 

 

Every person here who has never posted online while their families are awake, raise your hands.

 

But that's still family - everyday stuff.  We all have our "normal" routines with that.

 

To me, it's different when doing a "one time" visit for something.  (It'd also be different if visiting for a couple of days...)

 

[DawnM]

Ask your daughter today, after everyone leaves, if she still had a good time.  If she comments about the use of iPads/phones, etc…..then you know next time to specify that any party at your house will not include the use of gadgets.  Otherwise, I would let it go.  

[Renee in NC]

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?  It seems like they did a lot of other things, too.  If your daughter didn't like it, then she can choose not to invite them again.

[BarbecueMom]

I remember the first slumber party I attended in 5th grade. All the other girls were going to paint nails or something, so I found a bookshelf, grabbed a book, and sat down to read. Alone. I figured that after several hours of socializing, I was due a break, especially from the guests I still didn't feel comfortable around.

 

But knowing where the conversation goes by 1:00AM at sleepovers, I'd be wary to allow anything with a camera or Internet. Probably near impossible to police, but most truth or dare games are best when nothing leaves that room.

[Pawz4me]

I can't get too worked up about it.  What if they'd all been watching a movie?  Would that have been more acceptable?  If so, why?

 

I ask that as someone who has noticed that it seems to be culturally acceptable (and even expected) during a group gathering to sit around watching a movie or sports event on TV.  Yet if I pull out my phone, activate my Kindle app and start reading a book (because I'm mind-numbingly bored by 99.9 percent of what's on TV), it's considered inappropriate and/or rude.  I'm expected to sit and stare at the TV and pretend to be interested?   Also, as noted above, as a teen even though overall I would've enjoyed being in the company of my friends, I would've been bored if the group had been painting nails or dabbling with make-up or doing other typical "girly" activities.  The dancing part would've scared and mortified my introverted self.  But reading on my phone or Kindle or iPad would be an inappropriate alternative?  I don't get that.

 

(Note I'm not saying that I think they were all reading good books.  Just trying to present an alternative point of view, I guess.)

[Gentlemommy]

:/ We just got back from a mountain cabin rental vacation with another family. They too, have three kids, like we do. Theirs are 2, 4, and 11 and mine are 3, 5, and 8. We thought it would be perfect-each kid has a buddy! We brought bows and arrows, air soft rifles, rappelling equipment, hiking boots, old fashioned indoor games like jacks, chess, checkers, plasma car and balance bike, we built bonfires, roasted marshmallows, paid for everyone to go on a horseback ride through the mountain...the cabin had a hot tub, pool table, ping pong table, fully stocked game closet, three levels of play space, nooks and crannies to hide in...the weather could not have been more perfect. 45-55 and sunny during the day. And the kids in the other family stared at screens the.entire.time. I am not joking. They complained about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Their two year old screamed all.day.long unless he had an iPad or phone. Multiple times he took mine out of my hands as I was using it! And had a fit when I took it back. He screamed well into the evening, while I tried to settle my three for bed. The d@mn TV was on the entire time with Disney or whatever movie. My 8 year old came to me in tears the last day because the girl she was so excited to see ignored her the entire time.

Look, I have nothing against technology. Or TV/movies. It's how dh makes his living so we are partial to it actually. But it's completely out of hand now a days. Kids are ignoring real live people and foregoing real live experiences for a stupid game. We allow iPad time and movies-we brought ours for the trip, we realize this we as vacation and rules would be lax. However, this vacation was so stressful and practically ruined by the stupid devices. Actually, NOT by them, but by the adults who refuse to parent their children and set reasonable limits. Never, ever again.

OP, I can totally relate. :-(

[poppy]

I remember the first slumber party I attended in 5th grade. All the other girls were going to paint nails or something, so I found a bookshelf, grabbed a book, and sat down to read. Alone. I figured that after several hours of socializing, I was due a break, especially from the guests I still didn't feel comfortable around.

 

But knowing where the conversation goes by 1:00AM at sleepovers, I'd be wary to allow anything with a camera or Internet. Probably near impossible to police, but most truth or dare games are best when nothing leaves that room.

 

My daughter does this too, when when had friends over, ever since she was 3.  We'll have a few kids over playing, and  she'll find a quiet corner to "read" for a few minutes (look at pictures in a book).    I would stop her if it was a 2-3 hour playdate, but for all day affair, I get the need to unwind and go to a private quiet space for a few minutes. 

[Chris in VA]

I find it rude, too. Really rude. It seems to be the old-fashioned opinion, though. 

 

As far as the diff between TV/movie watching and being on a device, one is a community event and one is individual. I don't think it's acceptable to use a phone/ipad/computer when in a group unless the group is looking over each other's shoulders and participating in it, too! I say one should suck it up even if you don't like the movie or whatever.

 

I feel very strongly about this. 

 

If you can't handle being in a group that long without a break, don't go to the party or sleepover or whatever. Or choose to be a little uncomfortable rather than being rude. 

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh. 

[sheryl]

Thanks, Val, for sharing this!  It confirms what has happened with us.  My dd is 14.5 and does not have a cell phone or ipad.  We have a tablet though. 

However, I noticed this too.  She has a friend who is homeschooled and while this other girl does not own her own cell phone, she has an ipod.  My dd hosted a sleepover a few months ago and she complained about the same thing.  I was dumbfounded.   I expect more from girls who I know are being raised what I thought was differently - you know, higher expectations.

 

I did allow a laptop in her bedroom so all of the girls could look at the same funny cat video, etc and be "on the same page".  In the future I will tell the Moms (friends of mine) to not allow ipads over and to discuss with their dd that cell phone use is only in emergencies.  Honestly, that's even silly.  If there is an emergency, my dh and I will know about it and act accordingly.

 

Now I need to determine "how" to approach such a topic of no social media to accompany a friend to a sleep over here.  

 

What happened to twister, board games, cards, movies, singing to songs, etc.

 

I'd like to hear what others do.

 

[Veritaserum]

We have a general rule that screen time must be authorized by me when friends are over. The default is no electronics. Sometimes a child will ask if she can show her friend a particular computer or ipad game and I might allow that, but I don't like friend time to be spent staring at screens. I don't usually let my children take their electronic devices with them when they go to friends' houses, either. It's rude and a waste of friend time.

[Pawz4me]

As far as the diff between TV/movie watching and being on a device, one is a community event and one is individual. I don't think it's acceptable to use a phone/ipad/computer when in a group unless the group is looking over each other's shoulders and participating in it, too! I say one should suck it up even if you don't like the movie or whatever.

 

What if the girls were all on FB or Twitter and "reading" mutual friends?  Wouldn't that actually be more of a community activity than watching TV together?  They would be in effect "looking over each other's shoulders."  Just because they're each using their own device doesn't mean they couldn't be on the same page.  So to speak.

[MysteryJen]

I used to get worked up about this, but I have changed my mind. In my own, limited, experience, girls that age are being social with the devices. They are doing Instagram or snapchat or talking about posts, etc. It is not that different from looking at magazines together, etc.  My oldest plays onlilne games with his friends, and yes, they are in the basement, each with his own laptop, playing a game. It looks weird, but it is social, I can hear them through the vents.

I think kids are doing fine with the devices, but adults have some catching up to do. When my group of friends got smartphones (I still have a dumb one), they were completely preoccupied and silent with them. To the point where I discontinued some friendships.

 

Now, I am saying this as a pretty serious introvert, reading a book during a social gathering is rude. There is nothing social about that

[athomeontheprairie]

We've had problems in the past with one girl on particular. The last time it happened my dd was so upset when the friend left she was crying. The next time it was possible for the two to play, my dd didn't even want to see her "because all she'll do is play on her...." When I talked to Mom, I just mentioned it, and asked if she could leave the device at home. Problem solved.

Perhaps at the next party, include in the invite that the party is device-free. Kindly ask them not to bring electronics.

[Harriet Vane]

I see this as an opportunity for you, the parent, to provide some coaching. It can be done with a smile. Take a picture of them all on their devices. Ask them to power down the device. Show them the picture and just talk to them sweetly about choosing to interact with each other while they are together. Then collect the devices.

 

It helps if you offer food and maybe a silly new game or activity at the same time.

 

You can also express your preference to parents as they are dropping off. "We have a no-electronics rule while friends are over so that the girls can just enjoy each other." You can leave all the devices available in the kitchen or somewhere so that if anyone needs to call their mom that is an option.

 

I have done this and it has been fine.

[Word Nerd]

I think your reaction is extreme and that you should have told the girls your expectations or house rules regarding screen time instead of getting angry at them for not realizing it was a problem. They aren't bad kids just because they enjoy using screens while they're together. Setting limits and talking to them about your expectations is a much better solution than fuming silently and making judgments about their character for engaging in behavior that's the norm for their generation.

[Above The Rowan]

What if the girls were all on FB or Twitter and "reading" mutual friends? Wouldn't that actually be more of a community activity than watching TV together? They would be in effect "looking over each other's shoulders." Just because they're each using their own device doesn't mean they couldn't be on the same page. So to speak.

This is kind of where I sit with this. I've seen my teenaged cousins and preteen nieces and nephews all sit together on their own devices but thy are still interacting. My BFF and I will often go for coffee and each look at our phones to find things we thought were funny to show each other, find vids or pics of the kids etc.

 

But we are a very tech-minded family. I am sitting beside my daughter while she plays Xbox and I'm on my phone and hubby and my son are playing a game together on the laptops while we make breakfast sooooo perhaps I'm just biased.

 

If your dd found it bothersome then next time she could simply ask her friends to put them away. If the girls were happy and still doing things together the I don't think the devices are problematic.

[Serenade]

I am in total disbelief right now. My daughter is in the midst of hosting a sleepover for her 13th birthday, she has 5 girls here and every single one of them is staring at an Ipod or Ipad screen at 1 in the morning. One girl even had the nerve to ask for our WEP key to face chat. My daughter is the oldest here and is the only one that is not using a device. Two of these girls are home-schoolers, and I expect more social etiquette from them.  The girl that asked for the WEP key was on her Ipad within an hour of arriving at our home. I just cannot believe that kids prefer looking at a screen to talking with each other. Yes, they've played games, played in make-up, danced around, and sang; but they always revert back to the 'screens'. It's sad that this is what social interaction is turning into.  Whatever happened to talking and giggling to the wee hours of the morning?

 

 

My boys went to a climbing wall event last night, and one of the kids brought an ipad and was hooked to the screen instead of climbing.  And those climbing walls can be pricey -- basically, he was paying the climbing wall fee, but playing on the ipad.  Weird, IMO.

[BarbecueMom]

Now, I am saying this as a pretty serious introvert, reading a book during a social gathering is rude. There is nothing social about that

Lol, probably. But in my defense, I was new to the area and a pity invite. After a couple hours, I was made, um, well aware that I wasn't going to fit in with this crowd.

 

Plus I thought nail polish was like getting a tattoo and I didn't want to get in trouble at home.

[Library Momma]

My dd11 participates in sleepovers all the time and I've never seen or heard of one where girls are on their  Ipads.  Girls however do have their phones and usually parents will say no using your phones and no posting pictures on Instagram at the start of the party and that is sufficient.  It is more about not posting picts than trying to get them to interact.  I can imagine that if a girl is not interacting with the other girls then she won't get invited to too many more sleepovers in the future.

[Above The Rowan]

I also find it similar to when I was a young girl going to sleepovers - we would all bring our favourite issues of Bop magazine and each be super into them. We would still share and giggle and chatter. I think electronics like this are the new version of that.

[Pawz4me]

If your dd found it bothersome then next time she could simply ask her friends to put them away. If the girls were happy and still doing things together the I don't think the devices are problematic.

 

:iagree:

 

One more scenario I thought of -- What if each girl had brought her own book (the real, hold-in-your-hand paper and ink type) and the group mutually decided to take a break now and then from the singing and dancing and playing with make-up and other group activities to read for a bit?  Would that have been acceptable?

 

Please note I truly don't have any strong feelings about this one way or another.  I do find what is considered okay/not okay fascinating sometimes, and especially the "why" behind one thing being okay but another not.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I used to get worked up about this, but I have changed my mind. In my own, limited, experience, girls that age are being social with the devices. They are doing Instagram or snapchat or talking about posts, etc. It is not that different from looking at magazines together, etc.  My oldest plays onlilne games with his friends, and yes, they are in the basement, each with his own laptop, playing a game. It looks weird, but it is social, I can hear them through the vents.

 

This is where I am with this now. When we have sleepovers, the girls are together from something like 5 p.m. to noon the next day. That's 19 hours, only a few of which are spent sleeping. They eat, they play Just Dance, they talk and giggle, they run around outside, they play games, they may even mess around with American Girl dolls for a bit. But they're not the "hair and nails" crowd, and with the exception of one, they're not into boys yet, so they don't dish dirt that much. They do talk about books, and at the last two gatherings there were serious political discussions. But…their devices are how they socialize too. They watch silly videos on YouTube and show them to one another, MAKE silly videos together, play Minecraft or other connected games, etc. It's part of how this next generation connects with one another. It doesn't mean other stuff is excluded. It's all part of the mix. It used to drive me nuts, but after many of these sleepovers, I've come to realize that this is what it is now. I won't allow it from start to finish, and I do set limits if I see it getting out of hand, but in general, they moderate themselves fairly well. 

 

It's kind of funny. Now that I think about it, I was out for drinks last night with a few friends, and we were doing the same thing--pulling up pictures on FB to show one another, reading funny texts aloud, replying to texts from our DHs about when we'd be home, etc. The times, they are a-changing.

 

ETA: I forgot to add that I'm very sorry your DD ended up being the one left out though. That's not right, and THAT is a social immaturity. I would address that for any subsequent slumber parties for sure. 

[Kari C in SC]

What if the girls were all on FB or Twitter and "reading" mutual friends? Wouldn't that actually be more of a community activity than watching TV together? They would be in effect "looking over each other's shoulders." Just because they're each using their own device doesn't mean they couldn't be on the same page. So to speak.

This is what my teenage girl does with some of her friends. They are online together, either on the same laptop or virtually looking at the same thing. I, actually, do this with a couple of my homeschool friends sometimes. For the record, neither of us does it the entire time we are visiting together. We also virtually chat with our real life friends all throughout the day. Dd and I, both, have an ongoing chat on Facebook with 2 of our closest friends. Hers is separate from mine. We just used it to share info with our besties.

 

Having said that, dd had a friend that would stay on her phone or tablet the entire time she would be over visiting. It did annoy dd and her friends. It has been a hot topic around here in the past.

 

I think if they had done all those other things and then were chilling at 1am online it is really no big deal. I am sure when tv came out, there were parents saying I can't believe they spent the evening watching tv, etc.

[Word Nerd]

I was reminded of this Apple commercial while reading the thread.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImlmVqH_5HM

[Chris in VA]

I can see having devices out if the girls are all on the same site. Playing a game together on an Xbox or even individual laptops is also not what I'm talking about. That's not what the OP was saying was happening.

 

[Joanne]

I think "we", the collective "we" as the collective older generations need to get over ourselves. Interaction between teen peers has changed. When engaged on FB, snapchat, FaceTime, they ARE interacting. We wod have done the same thing with access to the same technology.

 

To evaluate it as rude is to miss the reality that each generation develops their own pace, interaction and habits based on their reality in current context.

 

The girls at the sleepover likely had a great time and enjoyed the visit.

 

It is also become common to offer the WiFi of your home to minimize data charges for guests.

 

Each generation has predicted the negative for the current group of teens, calling them rude. Lazy, etc. And it has simply not played out that way.

 

I am sitting in a Hospital ER with my son as I type. Welcome to 2013!

 

Yesterday, I payed bills from my phone while waiting for an AA meeting to start.

 

Last night, I looked up a certain date of the devotional "his Utmost...." Because the person I was having a meal with was referencing it.

 

I was fully engaged with in person people while also using technology to enhance my life.

 

You might want to consider reframing your reaction to the new look of social gatherings. Although the wall climbing incident would bother me.

[NicAnn]

I was reminded of this Apple commercial while reading the thread.

 

That would be great, except for the fact that kid was rude regardless. You don't put your phone down for a second and give grandpa a proper hello? I'm sure some kids are being productive on their phones. In my experience, most of them are not. They are frantically checking fb, Instagram, Twitter, sport scores. They are ignoring the people and world around them. They are speaking in hashtags and taking pictures....for the sole purpose of uploading them to look cool/interesting. I have a cousin who even admits that she judges which event she'll go to by how interesting the Instagram photos will look.

 

OP, I,agree with you. I hate that people are connected to a device all the time. The younger the kids the sadder it is.

[MysteryJen]

I think the problems with smartphones, devices, etc are not limited in anyway to young people.  In fact, most of the teens and pre-teens I know seem to have the technology stuff much more under controlled than the middle aged people I know. 

 

As I said, I used to think like the OP, but my kids challenged me to try to understand before I made a judgement.  It was very eye opening. The kids really are using it to be social with each other. It is okay that adults are not a part of that. 

 

And, I will say that  when I have experienced what I consider rude behavior, it has been with adults and not teens. 

[Kari C in SC]

I was reminded of this Apple commercial while reading the thread.

 

This made me cry!

[Mom0012]

I think your reaction is extreme and that you should have told the girls your expectations or house rules regarding screen time instead of getting angry at them for not realizing it was a problem. They aren't bad kids just because they enjoy using screens while they're together. Setting limits and talking to them about your expectations is a much better solution than fuming silently and making judgments about their character for engaging in behavior that's the norm for their generation.

 

I don't think it's always so easy or comfortable to take other children's expensive electronic equipment.  I'm not sure all parents would react well to it.

 

Before my dd's last birthday party, I asked a couple of friends with kids in school what the proper etiquette or standard was as far as this goes and neither seemed to know.  They were concerned about the kids having access to devices that could take pictures late at night, but on the other hand, they were kind of uncomfortable with the idea of taking the kids' devices and putting them away.  One of the people I asked is a public school teacher and another is a very social, extroverted personality, but neither really had any great ideas about how to handle this. 

 

And the reason I asked is because 2 of the 4 girls my dd was inviting to the party have recently made it a habit of inviting dd over and then ignoring her while they play on their phones.  One is my niece and another is a friend.  So, obviously this is okay with their parents.  My dd is quickly losing interest in those friendships, though, so I guess it will sort itself out in a way.

 

More than anything, I really don't like having the responsibility of keeping the kids from seeing things they shouldn't on the internet or posting an inappropriate picture once I'm asleep.  They are all good kids, but I remember what it's like being a kid at a slumber party.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

More than anything, I really don't like having the responsibility of keeping the kids from seeing things they shouldn't on the internet or posting an inappropriate picture once I'm asleep.  They are all good kids, but I remember what it's like being a kid at a slumber party.

 

I would discuss this with the individual parents when invitations went out, and I would say exactly that--I'm concerned about what could get searched for or posted to the Internet or what kind of photos might be taken in those punchy, late-night, "Let's do something outrageous" moments, and because of that, I'll collect all electronic devices before I go to sleep. Please discuss that with your kids, and I'll completely understand if the kids would rather not come in that case. I bet there wouldn't be many kids who wouldn't come because of it. 

[Word Nerd]

That would be great, except for the fact that kid was rude regardless. You don't put your phone down for a second and give grandpa a proper hello?

 

What was improper about it? He smiled and told him, "Merry Christmas." He didn't really hug back, but not everyone likes to hug.

[MFG]

Thank you, Joanne. Those are my thoughts exactly. The use of technology is not a moral failing.

[poppy]

I don't think it's always so easy or comfortable to take other children's expensive electronic equipment.  I'm not sure all parents would react well to it.

 

Before my dd's last birthday party, I asked a couple of friends with kids in school what the proper etiquette or standard was as far as this goes and neither seemed to know.  They were concerned about the kids having access to devices that could take pictures late at night, but on the other hand, they were kind of uncomfortable with the idea of taking the kids' devices and putting them away.  One of the people I asked is a public school teacher and another is a very social, extroverted personality, but neither really had any great ideas about how to handle this. 

 

And the reason I asked is because 2 of the 4 girls my dd was inviting to the party have recently made it a habit of inviting dd over and then ignoring her while they play on their phones.  One is my niece and another is a friend.  So, obviously this is okay with their parents.  My dd is quickly losing interest in those friendships, though, so I guess it will sort itself out in a way.

 

More than anything, I really don't like having the responsibility of keeping the kids from seeing things they shouldn't on the internet or posting an inappropriate picture once I'm asleep.  They are all good kids, but I remember what it's like being a kid at a slumber party.

 

Say "phones for emergencies only, girls". That way they know they have a lifeline to their parents if they really need it, and also understand the house rules about social networking while in the house.  Same rule as at school, for many of them, I'm sure.

 

I agree with the  PPs who say it's likely the girls were all on the same network, doing things together. Totally normal and OK. It's probably what most of them do EVERY night so it's part of their normal evening routine. But, since the host child  didn't have a phone and couldn't participate, it would be better if they didn't do an activity that excluded her. That's why setting expectations about electronics is a good idea for all.

 

[ValRN]

That would be great, except for the fact that kid was rude regardless. You don't put your phone down for a second and give grandpa a proper hello? I'm sure some kids are being productive on their phones. In my experience, most of them are not. They are frantically checking fb, Instagram, Twitter, sport scores. They are ignoring the people and world around them. They are speaking in hashtags and taking pictures....for the sole purpose of uploading them to look cool/interesting. I have a cousin who even admits that she judges which event she'll go to by how interesting the Instagram photos will look.

 

OP, I,agree with you. I hate that people are connected to a device all the time. The younger the kids the sadder it is.

 

I've read every single post on the thread, yet still stand by what I originally posted and strongly agree with this quoted post. I am not lowering my (probably old fashioned) expectations of social interaction just because we live in a technology age.

 

Watching a movie is a group activity. I'm not sure how most people watch movies, but my family does not watch movies in silence. We interact during the entire movie. This is exactly why we wait for movies to come on DVD/BR to watch them. We also talk and laugh about the movie afterwards.

 

Being on FB or Twitter together - group activity. I would be fine with this as long as there is no gossiping.

 

It is not my job to coach other peoples' kids about social etiquette when the parents clearly are OK with this behavior.

 

I did not get angry at the girls or judge them. I simply said that I am appalled and dismayed that this is what socializing has turned into and that it is considered the norm and acceptable.

 

Color me naive, but I never thought to collect devices because it never occurred to me that kids spend their friend time doing this. My daughter shares a basic phone with her older brother, her Ipod is not online, and she has no FB, Twitter, etc.

 

Taking a break from group activities to read a book independently - I wouldn't find this acceptable at a sleepover either. It defeats the purpose of a sleepover. As someone else suggested (and I'm paraphrasing), perhaps if one doesn't want to be engaged with friends for such a long time, one should opt for a short meeting.

 

Thankfully, my daughter did not feel left out (neither did any of the other girls). DD is a glass-half-full type of gal. She looked over shoulders and made sure to be a part of each group of girls glued to their screens. DD has never been to a sleepover and had no expectations. Besides that, she's very aware of the reliance on and addiction to technology of her generation.

 

IMO, today's technology and social media is stunting our children socially. I pray that my children never consider it acceptable to choose a screen over face-to-face interaction. 

 

And yes...within 30 minutes of waking up (after having a short pillow fight), every single one of them except my daughter, grabbed her device and began playing (and just so you know, this was after they had texted their parents).

 

So sad. But I guess since they all had a ball, there was no harm done.

 

Val

[Joanne]

I am around kids all the time, dozens weekly. I do not see stunted social skills or interaction at all.

[Word Nerd]

I don't think it's always so easy or comfortable to take other children's expensive electronic equipment.  

 

I didn't say it was easy or comfortable to set limits or establish expectations for the visit—but I think that's true in general when you have a sleepover. Others have shared suggestions for how they handle it. It's definitely a learning experience and might require some trial and error and discussions with other parents.  

[Evergreen State Sue]

We've had problems in the past with one girl on particular. The last time it happened my dd was so upset when the friend left she was crying. The next time it was possible for the two to play, my dd didn't even want to see her "because all she'll do is play on her...." When I talked to Mom, I just mentioned it, and asked if she could leave the device at home. Problem solved.

Perhaps at the next party, include in the invite that the party is device-free. Kindly ask them not to bring electronics.

 

I agree with what I bolded in this comment.  Our son's Boy Scout troop and our teens' church youth group both have a rule of "no electronics" when they go on an outing.

 

[Dandelion]

Thankfully, my daughter did not feel left out (neither did any of the other girls).

 

So sad. But I guess since they all had a ball, there was no harm done.

 

 

You say the girls all had a great time, including your own DD.  It sounds like they did plenty of other things together (played games, did their make-up, danced, and sang).   While I would prefer that kids engage mostly in non-screen activities during a slumber party as well, it sounds like they had plenty of interaction with each other (including possibly while they were on their phones).  Like others have suggested, communicate ahead of time that it will be a "device-free get-together" next time if you feel the need to do that. 

 

 

That would be great, except for the fact that kid was rude regardless. You don't put your phone down for a second and give grandpa a proper hello? 

 

Grandpa gave him in a hug in the middle of the driveway, right after he got out of the car.  The kid was holding a wrapped gift in one hand and his phone in the other.  Where was he supposed to set down his phone and the gift?  His hands were full and the ground was snowy and wet.  He leaned into the hug and said "Merry Christmas" with a smile.  I think that's what the vast majority of people, no matter their age, would have done in this situation. 

 

[MFG]

Dh and I had a related discussion just this morning. I was with a group this past week that was having this same discussion. People are 'glued' to screens, no one interacts, yadda, yadda, yadda. Sometimes they talk about young people, sometimes about adults who need their devices in business, sometimes about the dangers of texting and driving. Some of the concerns struck me as legitimate but much is just "why do these 'durn kids need to do that?" I told Dh I do not want to become 'that' old person. Even now, many people use technology much more than I do, but I can still see the use and appeal even if I don't personally do it. In a few more years most of cutting edge technology will probably pass me by. I want to maintain the attitude that just because I don't 'get it', doesn't make something wrong.

[Murphy101]

I think the key here is whether the hosting girl was bothered. Presuming they are all friends, friends don't make other friends feel left out. Doesn't really matter what it is. If they are all doing nails and the host girl doesn't have any nail polish, that's not very cool of them to not figure a way to include her. Substitute nail polish or electronic device with anything and I'd say the same.

 

However, I wouldn't presume electronic means not social. In my house, the rule for electronics is that several people have to be engaged, not solo stuff. So two might be playing the same game together, tho they are both on their own iPhone/iPad/computer. To me, that's no different than them playing a multiplayer game on the Wii or Xbox.

 

Personally, I forbid devices below age 16 in my home for MY kids because I think younger kids have a much harder time self-regulating and making judgement calls about what's appropriate or not. When a 12 year old comes over, I don't take their device, I just tell them that unless they are getting a call/text, to please not use it with my kids. And my kids have been taught to treat someone getting a call/text as a semi private moment. They stop conversing with the person and go do something else for a minute and then return. If a kid or their parent doesn't like my little rule, then they can go home. To me it's no different than if they are bringing magazines, movies, or Xbox games over to my house. I don't necessarily mind, but I reserve the right to refuse to let my kids watch those things in my house. So if they bring over a magazine I felt was too mature, I'd have no qualms nicely saying to please not share that. (I bring that one up bc my son recently took some magazines to a friends house and the mother there was really upset to come into the living room and see my son talking guns and apocalypse emergency medical care with her son. lol *shrug* My boy didn't get the big deal. He thinks contemplating a zombie apocalypse is fun and so did his new buddy, but she kinda freaked and felt the need to tell him that if he had faith in his savior he wouldn't be here for the apocalypse. :/ )

 

So OP, I guess it boils down to this for me:

 

Was your dd bothered? If not, don't let it bother you.

What were they doing on the devices? Was it inappropriate? If so, talk to parents. If not, let it go.

Tweens are very much like toddlers in my limited experience. Redirecting tends to be the best first level of behavior modification. So if I thought they were on devices too much, I'd come through and redirect them to something else. "Anyone want to make cookies or popcorn, make paper beads for necklaces, learn to knit/crochet, paintball with glow in the dark paintballs at night...?" I've yet to have them turn me down.

 

Also, I have never been a fan of my kids staying up until 1am giggling, mostly bc *I* like sleep and even more bc I like my other younger kids to sleep. I'd demand quiet time after 11pm or midnight. As it is, we almost never do sleep overs. In general, I'm not a fan of them. I'll do a late night girls or guys night, but at midnight, we turn into pumpkins. ;)