Absolutely appalled and dismayed!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

My daughter has never attended a sleepover and we've only ever had 1 sleepover. But I tell you what, I will NEVER EVER again host a sleepover, nor will I ever allow my daughter to attend one if this is what today's kids do when they get together.

 

You are, of course, entitled to your feelings, but I think it's kind of sad that you'll let this fairly benign issue prevent your daughter from ever having or attending a sleepover again, especially when she had fun and didn't feel like there was a problem. Unfortunately, I think you should expect to see this kind of behavior at non-sleepover get-togethers, so you'll also have to make decisions about hosting/attending other social activities in the future, particularly as your DD gets older.

[ValRN]

I think people are misunderstanding my post. I am not saying that technology is bad or that people who use technology are bad. What I am saying is that I am shocked that, for young people (and I'm sure some middle aged and old), interacting on a screen is preferred over face-to-face interaction. I'm also saying that because we choose communicating on screen rather than in person, we lose some of those skills. Practice makes perfect. The only way you become comfortable and adequate at holding a conversation is to ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE in oral exchange of sentiments. You can say anything behind a screen. I'm saying this as a socially awkward conversationalist. I do not want my children to feel nervous and awkward speaking in public like I do, and I feel that always communication through a screen or about what's on the screen can contribute to that...in addition to the shy genes they inherited from me. But I guess that's just my issue and I should not impose it on this upcoming generation of hashtag speakers.

 

[ValRN]

You are, of course, entitled to your feelings, but I think it's kind of sad that you'll let this fairly benign issue prevent your daughter from ever having or attending a sleepover again, especially when she had fun and didn't feel like there was a problem. Unfortunately, I think you should expect to see this kind of behavior at non-sleepover get-togethers, so you'll also have to make decisions about hosting/attending other social activities in the future, particularly as your DD gets older.

 

Yeah, as sad as it may be to you, I think I'll stick to my guns. DD has not and never will attend a sleepover for reasons other than screen socializing. And if I every do host a sleepover again, I will take the advice of some of the other posters and limit device use to emergencies and a brief period of time for a group activity.

[Joanne]

I think people are misunderstanding my post. I am not saying that technology is bad or that people who use technology are bad. What I am saying is that I am shocked that, for young people (and I'm sure some middle aged and old), interacting on a screen is preferred over face-to-face interaction. I'm also saying that because we choose communicating on screen rather than in person, we lose some of those skills. Practice makes perfect. The only way you become comfortable and adequate at holding a conversation is to ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE in oral exchange of sentiments. You can say anything behind a screen. I'm saying this as a socially awkward conversationalist. I do not want my children to feel nervous and awkward speaking in public like I do, and I feel that always communication through a screen or about what's on the screen can contribute to that...in addition to the shy genes they inherited from me. But I guess that's just my issue and I should not impose it on this upcoming generation of hashtag speakers.

In your concern, your logic has departed. You grew up without the current level of technology and you don't like public speaking (most people don't, btw).

 

Most of us respond *understand* your post completely; we just disagree with your perception and framing of bit.

 

I see that the girls did lots of age expected sleepover activities AND used he technology associated with their generation.

 

I don't see the stunting of social skills or interaction at all. I see technology adding another layer of interaction that was not available to us. It hS challenged systems and etiquette but it is not inherently wrong.

[poppy]

I read an article recently that said teen boys are much better at, and more comfortable with, expressing their emotions than boys in pre-twitter eras. And I've seen my younger relatives be quite honest and open online, even though they are  typical boys in person with me as a middle-aged auntie. With a screen to hide behind, kids really do get quite intimate (in the best sense of the word) with their friends online. And that intimacy extends to the real world too. Though I don't see it as much when they're addressing me because: middle aged auntie.

 

There are definitely social benefits to the tech that is very commonplace for kids.

[Joker]

I actually like that my teenager and her friends use their phones while at sleepovers and outings. I get to see all the fun stuff their doing via their Instagram, FB, etc. Dd communicates often with me in that way while away and I enjoy getting her pictures and fun updates.Dd and her friends have a lot of fun together on and off the screens.

[unsinkable]

:/ We just got back from a mountain cabin rental vacation with another family. They too, have three kids, like we do. Theirs are 2, 4, and 11 and mine are 3, 5, and 8. We thought it would be perfect-each kid has a buddy! We brought bows and arrows, air soft rifles, rappelling equipment, hiking boots, old fashioned indoor games like jacks, chess, checkers, plasma car and balance bike, we built bonfires, roasted marshmallows, paid for everyone to go on a horseback ride through the mountain...the cabin had a hot tub, pool table, ping pong table, fully stocked game closet, three levels of play space, nooks and crannies to hide in...the weather could not have been more perfect. 45-55 and sunny during the day. And the kids in the other family stared at screens the.entire.time. I am not joking. They complained about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Their two year old screamed all.day.long unless he had an iPad or phone. Multiple times he took mine out of my hands as I was using it! And had a fit when I took it back. He screamed well into the evening, while I tried to settle my three for bed. The d@mn TV was on the entire time with Disney or whatever movie. My 8 year old came to me in tears the last day because the girl she was so excited to see ignored her the entire time.

Look, I have nothing against technology. Or TV/movies. It's how dh makes his living so we are partial to it actually. But it's completely out of hand now a days. Kids are ignoring real live people and foregoing real live experiences for a stupid game. We allow iPad time and movies-we brought ours for the trip, we realize this we as vacation and rules would be lax. However, this vacation was so stressful and practically ruined by the stupid devices. Actually, NOT by them, but by the adults who refuse to parent their children and set reasonable limits. Never, ever again.

OP, I can totally relate. :-(

How disappointing! This sounds so awesome!

[Murphy101]

I actually like that my teenager and her friends use their phones while at sleepovers and outings. I get to see all the fun stuff their doing via their Instagram, FB, etc. Dd communicates often with me in that way while away and I enjoy getting her pictures and fun updates.Dd and her friends have a lot of fun together on and off the screens.

Me too.

[happi duck]

 

 

 

 

It is not my job to coach other peoples' kids about social etiquette when the parents clearly are OK with this behavior.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The other parents weren't there...you can't know what they are or are not okay with and giving some kind adult guidance is part of taking on the responsibility of hosting children, Imo.

[ValRN]

I'm not sure how communicating through/about a screen will help communicating in person. I did not mean to imply that the lack of technology made me the awkward communicator that I am presently or to use that as an example for my point. I was saying that in addition to the shy genes my DC got from me, hiding behind a screen will not contribute to their being able to start or hold a meaningful conversation.

 

My 19 y/o DS got a basic cell phone at 16 and upgraded to a Iphone a couple of weeks before heading off to college. I think this has allowed him to enjoy being with people screen-free. He and his group of friends in college eat dinner together every day and hang out in the common area of the dorm for a couple of hours 4 to 6 times a week. When they are together, they play cards, board games, watch and converse about movies, and simply enjoy talking to each other. I'm just saying that this is what I desire for my DC. Technology has made life much easier for me, but I still would prefer that my DC choose face-to-face interaction. Guess I'm just an old fart. :laugh: And yes...I tend to overreact about MOST things :lol: ...but I stand by my original sentiments.

 

 

[MedicMom]

I prefer screens, and my toddlers are both very adept at using iPhones and tablets to play games. I would probably never find the time to interact with people face to face, but I utilize Facebook and texting and Instagram to keep up with friendships.

 

I personally would be annoyed if I sent my child to a sleepover and the parents took away their electronics. IMO I wouldn't have even thought twice about a group of teenage girls playing with electronics at a sleepover.

[ValRN]

The other parents weren't there...you can't know what they are or are not okay with and giving some kind adult guidance is part of taking on the responsibility of hosting children, Imo.

 

I can agree that saying that the parents allowed this may have been an assumption on my part. I said that the parents are apparently okay with the behavior because this is not something out of the blue. If these girls were that glued to the screen, it has to be a regular occurrence. Right???  And the fact that their parents allowed them to bring their Ipads/pods??? We have a home phone and a cell phone if a call needed to be made or received. 

 

This thread is making me do what I am complaining about - be glued to a screen.  I understand where some of your are coming from, and I respect and appreciate all of the comments (for or against). Specifically, thank you to those who offered suggestions on how to handle or avoid a situation like this in the future.

 

Merry Christmas!.

Val

[Joanne]

All the teens I know, and young adults, have hours spent like your son AND hours interaction in person as well as electronic interaction.

 

I just don't see that electronic use today is a straight line to reduced quality or quantity of interaction although I have observed an annoying drop in using capitals for things like street names.

[stripe]

I'd recommend a virtual sleepover next time. They can chat on Facetime until 2 am instead. And eat their own snacks! Less work for you. ;)

[Murphy101]

The other parents weren't there...you can't know what they are or are not okay with and giving some kind adult guidance is part of taking on the responsibility of hosting children, Imo.

I agree. My kids are almost never allowed to stay up past 10pm at that age or to have electronic devices after dinner, but if they were invited to your house and that's what everyone was doing, then they aren't going to rudely proclaim they aren't going to do it and go off to do something else. They are going to participate in the social activities, whatever they might be, as long as I haven't specificly told them not to or they think they will get in trouble for it.

 

Frankly, I'd be mildly annoyed that my kid came home half brain dead exhausted from staying up very late and bloodshot eyed from being on devices so much, but I'd not have said anything to you about it and let it go.

[Murphy101]

I personally would be annoyed if I sent my child to a sleepover and the parents took away their electronics. IMO I wouldn't have even thought twice about a group of teenage girls playing with electronics at a sleepover.

I can't say enough that other posters can't presume they can just take my kids cellphone. I wouldn't have a problem with asking my kid to put it away, but my kids have VERY strict orders from me to never ever let anyone have their phone, not to use it, not to look at it, and certainly not to take it away. This policy removes all question of who is responsible for damage done to it, pages visited on it, and privacy. (For a mild example, if I text my son, I'm going to be ticked if some other mom has decided to screen it for him, tyvm. And that's the least of the privacy issues.)

[Harriet Vane]

I think "we", the collective "we" as the collective older generations need to get over ourselves. Interaction between teen peers has changed. When engaged on FB, snapchat, FaceTime, they ARE interacting. We wod have done the same thing with access to the same technology.

 

To evaluate it as rude is to miss the reality that each generation develops their own pace, interaction and habits based on their reality in current context.

 

The girls at the sleepover likely had a great time and enjoyed the visit.

 

It is also become common to offer the WiFi of your home to minimize data charges for guests.

 

Each generation has predicted the negative for the current group of teens, calling them rude. Lazy, etc. And it has simply not played out that way.

 

I am sitting in a Hospital ER with my son as I type. Welcome to 2013!

 

Yesterday, I payed bills from my phone while waiting for an AA meeting to start.

 

Last night, I looked up a certain date of the devotional "his Utmost...." Because the person I was having a meal with was referencing it.

 

I was fully engaged with in person people while also using technology to enhance my life.

 

You might want to consider reframing your reaction to the new look of social gatherings. Although the wall climbing incident would bother me.

 

There is room for both perspectives.

 

On the one hand, my kids have felt marginalized and left out when various cousins chose to text other friends or play solitary video games rather than interact with the human beings in the room with them. I have observed this happen in many social settings, teens and adults alike. That is rude behavior, and it behooves us as older, wiser adults to provide some friendly social coaching for that.

 

(Should add--coaching when appropriate. In the case of our young cousins, I could not coach because their parents were right there and they don't have a problem with it. Of course, their parents could use more than a little social coaching themselves, but that's another rant for another day.)

 

On the other hand, it is definitely true that interaction is possible with electronic devices. Case in point--my son loves to play Minecraft with friends via a group server many afternoons. It's an easy way for them to goof off together when they cannot actually be in the same physical location.

 

Generally speaking, though, I think if you are with other people, your focus should be on interacting with the people you are with, not texting or responding to people at another location.

 

[BYE]

As a parent I would have a problem with anyone "confiscating" my children's property at the door. It sounds like the girls did have social time and then had "down" time. I don't see an issue.

[goldberry]

I think it depends on how the technology is being used.

 

1.  I have seen a teen at a table on their phone, while the rest of the family is conversing, etc.  No way.

 

2. I have seen teens together, with one or two of them texting someone else not there, etc, and not engaging the rest of the group, like "you guys are so boring, I have to find someone else to talk to".  No way again.

 

3. I have also seen a group of teens (in my home) do all sorts of other things, makeup, dance, etc, then get on phones/devices and show each other videos, laugh over them, take goofy pics of each other, etc.  That's perfectly fine.   

 

If a teen was doing #2, eventually my teen would stop hanging around or inviting that person due to their rudeness.  If it was my house and all the teens present were doing it, I might consider intervening, very casually, "Ok, ya'll get off your phones and enjoy your visit!"

 

#3, I would consider part of a successful evening.

[Murphy101]

I can agree that saying that the parents allowed this may have been an assumption on my part. I said that the parents are apparently okay with the behavior because this is not something out of the blue. If these girls were that glued to the screen, it has to be a regular occurrence. Right???

What the heck.   OR they are glued to it bc is rare they have the chance to sit around with their girlfriends and play their devices and want to soak up the time while they can?

 

And the fact that their parents allowed them to bring their Ipads/pods???

So what? I've had a book in my purse that I never seem to have time to read, but it's there just in case. My kids carry tons of stuff with them everywhere and it has no reflection on how they spend their days. Otherwise you'd think they are obsessed with lord of the rings, my little pony, heroclix, DSi and other stuff.

 

We have a home phone and a cell phone if a call needed to be made or received.

But they aren't calling to speak to you and if my child has a phone, I fully expect to contact them directly and for them to be able to contact me without asking you first. Why wouldn't I?

[goldberry]

 

Generally speaking, though, I think if you are with other people, your focus should be on interacting with the people you are with, not texting or responding to people at another location.

 

 

Yes!  That sums it up for me.  The issue is who you are interacting with.

[Murphy101]

Yes! That sums it up for me. The issue is who you are interacting with.

I agree. And if the OP had said her daughter was upset, lonely, it whatever, I'd completely agree there was a problem. But even the OP says her daughter had a good time and everyone seemed to have gotten along and done more than just electronics and nothing inappropriate was going on. I think that is why so many of us don't get what the big deal is.

[MysteryJen]

I found that it helps me to think about a phone like a book.

 

If I am reading and people I know come and sit by me, I put the book down and talk to them. If I don't, or I go back to the book in the middle of a conversation, that is rude.

 

I do not read at the table when others are conversing. That is rude.

 

If I have a magazine or book with photographs that I am flipping through, I will chat and share with the people around me. Not rude. 

 

Also, as Martha said, a cell phone is a protection for a kid at a sleepover, I would be very upset if it was taken away.

[Harriet Vane]

 

I personally would be annoyed if I sent my child to a sleepover and the parents took away their electronics.

 

Usually when I ask for the phones, everyone cheerfully leaves them on the kitchen counter or whatever. They are still available to anyone who does need them, but there is a degree of separation. Putting the device "away" helps remind the teen to leave it alone. The phones are not confiscated or kept from the kids; rather, they are just left in the kitchen.

 

However, there has occasionally been a kid who balks at it. In that case I simply explain my concerns and ask that they respect our rules. I haven't had an issue with this--in these cases the kid has agreed to respect my rules and they leave the phone in their pocket. I don't really care as long as they understand to engage with the people they are with.

 

As I type, though, I realize that my dd will be 17yo next month. She hasn't had anyone over since we moved to another state, but in our previous home I am remembering that I kind of fell off of collecting the electronic devices. As teens get older and carry themselves more like adults it didn't feel as easy to ask to leave the phones in the kitchen. I do recall teasingly scolding one of dd's friends (16yo) for texting (a lot) while at our house, and the other girls that were present all joined me in reminding the texting girl not to do that when with a group. The texting girl said, "I know, I know . . . ," texted for about 3-4 more minutes and then put the phone away.

 

My ds is 12yo, and all his friends are 11-14yo. I still feel comfortable being more explicitly hands-on as described earlier.

[Mom0012]

I didn't say it was easy or comfortable to set limits or establish expectations for the visit—but I think that's true in general when you have a sleepover. Others have shared suggestions for how they handle it. It's definitely a learning experience and might require some trial and error and discussions with other parents.  

 

Well, I have never found setting boundaries when my kids have friends over to be difficult.  Asking to take someone's $400 phone just seems like a whole new territory.  And, clearly, the parents are fine with the kids having it if they send them with it, but I am responsible for what goes on in my house.  I think that is what is uncomfortable.  Not setting boundaries for the kids, but basically telling the parents I don't want the kids to bring their electronics.  In a way, that is like telling them I don't agree with their parenting choices.  I'm sure I'd get just as friendly a response from some as the OP got.  I also don't feel like having a talk with every parent before the party.  I've never had to in the past.  This is the first year it's even been on my radar.

 

[MysteryJen]

My son and his friends all seem to forget their phones at home or have them on silent when they are here. I have had to go down to the basement to tell kids to check their phones, their mother is calling!

 

Ages 11-14 seem to be the worst for phones and other devices.

[Mom0012]

I prefer screens, and my toddlers are both very adept at using iPhones and tablets to play games. I would probably never find the time to interact with people face to face, but I utilize Facebook and texting and Instagram to keep up with friendships.

 

I personally would be annoyed if I sent my child to a sleepover and the parents took away their electronics. IMO I wouldn't have even thought twice about a group of teenage girls playing with electronics at a sleepover.

 

This is exactly what I am referring to.

[NicAnn]

 

You say the girls all had a great time, including your own DD. It sounds like they did plenty of other things together (played games, did their make-up, danced, and sang). While I would prefer that kids engage mostly in non-screen activities during a slumber party as well, it sounds like they had plenty of interaction with each other (including possibly while they were on their phones). Like others have suggested, communicate ahead of time that it will be a "device-free get-together" next time if you feel the need to do that.

 

 

 

 

Grandpa gave him in a hug in the middle of the driveway, right after he got out of the car. The kid was holding a wrapped gift in one hand and his phone in the other. Where was he supposed to set down his phone and the gift? His hands were full and the ground was snowy and wet. He leaned into the hug and said "Merry Christmas" with a smile. I think that's what the vast majority of people, no matter their age, would have done in this situation.

My sound must not have been up because I didn't hear that.

[Harriet Vane]

I can't say enough that other posters can't presume they can just take my kids cellphone. I wouldn't have a problem with asking my kid to put it away, but my kids have VERY strict orders from me to never ever let anyone have their phone, not to use it, not to look at it, and certainly not to take it away. This policy removes all question of who is responsible for damage done to it, pages visited on it, and privacy. (For a mild example, if I text my son, I'm going to be ticked if some other mom has decided to screen it for him, tyvm. And that's the least of the privacy issues.)

 

I can see this perspective as valid, especially because I have been the recipient of a few late-night phone calls from dd who preferred not to stay all night at a sleepover.

 

My initial post on the idea of taking electronics came across as more cut-and-dried than my reality. Usually kids don't have an issue with just leaving the phone wherever I ask them to leave it (hall table or kitchen counter or whatever). When a kid has resisted doing so we just agree that they should leave the phone in their pocket and interact with the people they are with, not texting other friends. It has never been an issue--we've always been able to comfortably agree on what's acceptable.

[Murphy101]

Usually when I ask for the phones, everyone cheerfully leaves them on the kitchen counter or whatever. They are still available to anyone who does need them, but there is a degree of separation. Putting the device "away" helps remind the teen to leave it alone. The phones are not confiscated or kept from the kids; rather, they are just left in the kitchen.

 

However, there has occasionally been a kid who balks at it. In that case I simply explain my concerns and ask that they respect our rules. I haven't had an issue with this--in these cases the kid has agreed to respect my rules and they leave the phone in their pocket. I don't really care as long as they understand to engage with the people they are with.

My kid would put it in his/her pocket and if that wasn't good enough, s/he would be calling me to pick him up. Because that's what I have told them I expect. (Mom trumps all others. ;) ) Leaving it out on the kitchen counter would not be acceptable here bc our house rule is that it should be on their person. That way there's never any question that someone else did something to their phone. The only time this was a problem the adult making the demand was saying it was his way of being sure nothing inappropriate was going on. Oddly enough, he took offense at my stance that my son keeping his phone on his person implied we didn't trust him. Humph. We trusted him about as much as he trusted us was my response, tho I tried for a light hearted tone.

[Murphy101]

My son and his friends all seem to forget their phones at home or have them on silent when they are here. I have had to go down to the basement to tell kids to check their phones, their mother is calling!

 

Ages 11-14 seem to be the worst for phones and other devices.

That's been my experience as well and why my kids do not get their own phone until 16. Before that age, we have a spare that we send with them, but they have strict orders not to use it except for calling/texting us.

[Harriet Vane]

My kid would put it in his/her pocket and if that wasn't good enough, s/he would be calling me to pick him up. Because that's what I have told them I expect. (Mom trumps all others. ;) ) Leaving it out on the kitchen counter would not be acceptable here bc our house rule is that it should be on their person. That way there's never any question that someone else did something to their phone. The only time this was a problem the adult making the demand was saying it was his way of being sure nothing inappropriate was going on. Oddly enough, he took offense at my stance that my son keeping his phone on his person implied we didn't trust him. Humph. We trusted him about as much as he trusted us was my response, tho I tried for a light hearted tone.

 

Yes. That's why I said, in two separate posts (including the one you quoted in your post), that if a kid tells me they need to keep their phone on their person, that I do not try to argue. I just ask that they keep it in their pocket and focus on engaging with the people they are with rather than texting with friends who are not present. Each and every time I have had this conversation with a kid it has been smiling and comfortable between us.

[Murphy101]

Yes. That's why I said, in two separate posts (including the one you quoted in your post), that if a kid tells me they need to keep their phone on their person, that I do not try to argue. I just ask that they keep it in their pocket and focus on engaging with the people they are with rather than texting with friends who are not present. Each and every time I have had this conversation with a kid it has been smiling and comfortable between us.

I know. My post was not so much against you and reiterating it and further, explaining our own policy. :)

[BYE]

Someone might have mentioned this, but I want to add that if you prescribe to the idea that you can confiscate a child's phone at the door, you are actually criminally depriving someone of their property. And yes, a parent could call the police. Only a parent can take away a child's personal property. If I gave my daughter a phone and expected to be able to reach her the entire time she was at someones house it would infuriate me to find out that someone took it from her. A phone isn't just a form of entertainment. It is a way to stay connected and safe for some children.

 

This is a different time and we all just need to get on board with the idea that technology isn't going anywhere. I myself fought it for awhile. It also needs to be remembered that an emergency for one person isn't an emergency for other people. So if you take a child's phone and decided that their being homesick or just needing to connect for a moment on fb isn't a good enough excuse to have their phone then you run the risk of facing really angry parents. 

 

Someone mentioned an invite saying no electronics. If I saw that I wouldn't think "oh I can't bring my phone". I would think "Oh I can't play videos or watch a movie because it might distract someone else". I also wouldn't come to an event that said I couldn't bring my phone. And my children wouldn't be allowed to attend an event where they couldn't bring their phone. Just my two cents. 

[Murphy101]

Someone mentioned an invite saying no electronics. If I saw that I wouldn't think "oh I can't bring my phone". I would think "Oh I can't play videos or watch a movie because it might distract someone else". I also wouldn't come to an event that said I couldn't bring my phone. And my children wouldn't be allowed to attend an event where they couldn't bring their phone. Just my two cents.

Yes. Me too and most people I know. We don't consider our phones to apply to the no electronics concept. And I would likely decline too except for unusual events. Of which a sleepover would not qualify.

[trulycrabby]

One could always turn off the wieless router, but I realize many tablets now have cellular connections.

[ValRN]

I'd recommend a virtual sleepover next time. They can chat on Facetime until 2 am instead. And eat their own snacks! Less work for you.

 

It is more about social etiquette than how much work is required.

[katilac]

I can see this perspective as valid, especially because I have been the recipient of a few late-night phone calls from dd who preferred not to stay all night at a sleepover.

 

My initial post on the idea of taking electronics came across as more cut-and-dried than my reality. Usually kids don't have an issue with just leaving the phone wherever I ask them to leave it (hall table or kitchen counter or whatever). When a kid has resisted doing so we just agree that they should leave the phone in their pocket and interact with the people they are with, not texting other friends. It has never been an issue--we've always been able to comfortably agree on what's acceptable.

 

Not every kid is comfortable speaking up to the adult in charge in such a way. My kids probably wouldn't be, unless I had specifically coached them . . . which I wouldn't have, before this thread, because it would have never occurred to me that the hosting parent would ask them to leave their phone on the counter. If a parent did ask this, I wouldn't be happy, because the point of my kids going somewhere with a cell phone is so they can call or text ON THEIR OWN if a situation is making them uneasy. 

 

I also agree with the posters who said it's not safe or secure to do this - it makes it much easier for phones to be stolen, for someone to read private messages, or for someone to gak Facebook or Instagram. Of course we never want to think the kids we know would do such things, but it happens. Lots of teens would think it was a funny prank to post something embarrassing as their friend's status, and they wouldn't think through the possible consequences. 

 

Why not simply ask all of them to do what you comfortably agree is not a problem - keep the phone in their pocket and not text other friends? If that's okay for some of them, it should be okay for all. 

[unfrumpable.]

I can recall being marginalized and ignored at group gatherings well before there were cell phones and tablets. I'm not saying that overuse of these items while in a group setting cannot come off as rude, I am saying that cell phones/tablets/etc are not the cause of people having rude behavior.

 

We do plenty of screen time in my household. None of us have issues interacting with people IRL on any level. Including my eight y/o son. *shrugs* I don't think it's a big deal.

[wintermom]

Part of the issue could be the length of time of the entire event of a sleep-over. If it was a two hour party, where the girls come together, play, chat, eat and then go home, I wouldn't expect there would be time or interest for individuals to use devices. For a sleep-over, there is a lot more time involved, and it can be intense and exhausting to be chatting the entire time, especially if the girls are not all aquainted with each other. A personal device might be a wonderful way to relax. And at 1:00am, as long as the girls are quiet and not doing something inappropriate, I wouldn't care if they are all on their own devices. I'd be in bed myself, or possibly on the computer if I couldn't sleep. It's also possible that many of the girls couldn't sleep. I know that I have trouble sleeping in a different location.

 

While I am not a fan of devices at most social occcassions, I think a sleep over is a little different. There is just so much time to deal with. If your dd had a good time, no one got hurt, and everyone seemed to have fun, it sounds like a success! As a young teen I survived too many sleep-overs just hoping that nothing really bad would happen between people physically and socially, and for the most part I got really lucky. Things could have been a lot worse.

 

Edit: One other suggestion would be if your dd really wanted another sleep-over at some point in time, have her only invite one girl. Then they can do exactly what they both want, they can chat, or sleep or play on devices. It's a lot harder to please everyone in a larger group.

[Amy in NH]

You don't have to swear off slumber parties for the rest of you child's life.  Just put on the invitation "This is a no-screen party." and have them hand over any that came anyway.

[bettyandbob]

Re: taking phones away. I would be very upset if someone said my dd had to relinquish her phone at a party. First and foremost the phone is viewed as a safety device. While I know the families where dd might spend the night, I also prefer her to keep her phone. If she feels the need to call me she can. I'd be angry at any parent who prevented her from having that available and as a result conditioned her to think that a stipulation such as "give up your phone to enter this party" was ok. Maybe I'm over imaginative, but when dd leaves home and possibly attends parties at college I don't want her having previous experience of giving up a phone at a party when she's just slightly older and just beginning to make safety decisions on her own. 

 

 

[bettyandbob]

Wow, so what do you think of our youth minister who REQUIRES that ALL youth hand him their cell phone once they get to the youth camp.  He returns it to them when they are on the bus.  I think it is AWESOME. 

 

I'm sorry, technology may be here, but if you can't leave your phone off during dinner, don't come over to our house!!!  Yes, I'm sorry the youth are not more social, they are less.  I was stunned at a college visit where they treated us to lunch.  My son and I were the only ones talking to the people.  All of the other students had their heads buried in their phones and sometimes they were texting each other!!!!  Ridiculous.  We purposely go places on vacation where there is no cell or internet.  It can be a crutch.  But then most people think we are strange because we don't have cable either...  My children are so deprived....

 

 

Youth camp is not a party. Presumably youth camp has a structured purpose. I would have to know more about it and about the minister before my dd went. 

 

dd does attend a 2 week program with no electronics. It's in a pretty remote location and the whole camp uses very little in the way of electricity. The summer before last a storm took out electricity in a large area around our state and the camp was without electricity most of the session dd attended. It was not necessary for the activities of her camp (camp has a gas stove, so hot meals were still prepared). This camp is a science/study of nature academic program. It is not a party. It is pretty structured. 

 

I evaluate when dd should be without her cellphone. In light of this thread, I will be discussing what goes into my evaluation more with dd. The idea that dd would be without a cellphone at a party really bothers me. Like I said in my first post, dd uses her phone rarely, so using the phone in an antisocial manner would be completely out of character for her. 

[LucyStoner]

So once when out to dinner I noticed a group of kids at the next booth. They were probably about age 13-14 tops. There were 5 of them. They were all on their little devices. I was initially a bit scandalized by this. As our meal progressed though I noticed that they were still talking and interacting but that much of their conversation was taking place via their devices with a larger group added in.

 

Is this what I recall from being 13 and out to eat with my friends? No. It bears little resemblance to my own experiences. But is it inherently wrong? I really don't think so. I think it is just different.

[emzhengjiu]

My daughters are to keep their phones with them even at church events, but they know that I don't allow texting or other non-essential phone use during a party or event.  That said, I'm in agreement with the OP.  I don't like to see the extensive use of electronic devices during social events.

[stripe]

It is more about social etiquette than how much work is required.

It was a joke. :)

[ValRN]

It was a joke. :)

See, that's another problem I have with screen conversations -  you can never be sure of the intended tone.

[Murphy101]

Wow, so what do you think of our youth minister who REQUIRES that ALL youth hand him their cell phone once they get to the youth camp. He returns it to them when they are on the bus. I think it is AWESOME.

I think my kids would not and do not attend.

 

Tho my older kids do know their device shouldn't always be out and there are a few events where they attend without it or with it on silent. An outdoor camp without reception anyways would be one case. Mass is another. You won't find anyone in my pew with their phone out.

 

I'm sorry, technology may be here, but if you can't leave your phone off during dinner, don't come over to our house!!!

We eat 3 meals a day without devices, tyvm. And bc we are visiting you, I'd appreciate not having whatever I have on my person treated like gun checking at the door. Because that is rude and presumptuous.

 

Yes, I'm sorry the youth are not more social, they are less. I was stunned at a college visit where they treated us to lunch. My son and I were the only ones talking to the people. All of the other students had their heads buried in their phones and sometimes they were texting each other!!!! Ridiculous. We purposely go places on vacation where there is no cell or internet. It can be a crutch. But then most people think we are strange because we don't have cable either... My children are so deprived....

It sounds like that wasn't the college for either your kids or those other kids. We have not had that happen very often. We don't have cable either, not that that has anything to do with anything. Cable has been around for a couple generations now, so it's not particularly to blame either.

 

Well, first I have to say that my children don't go to all that many social events. But why can't they use the adult's cell phone at the party?????? If I didn't trust the adult having the party, then my children would not be going. Same thing with church events. They can borrow some else's phone. My children don't get phones until they are 16 and until then, they always borrow an adult's phone no problem. If I couldn't trust the adult in charge, then they wouldn't go with or without a phone.

There's lot of reasons.

 

Cell phones are not free. Not everyone who has one will appreciate you using their minutes. This goes double for kids who are often given really low minute plans.

It's illogical to say they can't use their own phone, but they should use an adult's phone. What is on the adult's phone that my kid could see, even accidently?

Not every adult where my kids go is necessarily an adult I know, much less know well. Maybe I know the mom pretty well, but not the dad.

Many homes don't have phones to use. They all have cell phones. So if mom leaves (or mom or her kid is the problem!) and takes her phone with her, my kid has no phone. Especially if the other kids have the same rule as us of not permitting others to use their phone. Or several of the other kids have maxed their minutes and can't loan it even if they wanted to.

When being dropped off at events, everyone leaves when it is done. Back when I was young, usually everyone hung out until everyone was picked up. Now they just leave presuming if there is a problem those left can call. And many businesses do not permit use of their phones. (For cost reasons and others.)

For independence. Regardless of trust, I do not want my kids of any age dependent on the good will of some other kid or some other adult just to be able to reach me. I would rather they be independently able to do it. If for no other reason than I have always told my kids if they ever have a problem to call. That's significantly hampered.

The majority of abused kids and teens who find themselves stuck in a bad situation have parents who *think* everything will be fine. Most of the time it is and I don't live presuming it won't be. But all kinds of stuff happens in life I never thought would happen. I want my kids to be able to call me when those things come up in their lives and I don't want them to first have to explain to you or anyone else why they need to borrow a phone to do so.

 

I think some are really missing the forest for the trees in this convo.

 

Why is it okay for my kid to beg to use some other person's phone but not okay to use their own?

 

If the kid in question is too irresponsible or whatever to manage their own phone, then why would anyone else want to hand over their phone to be used?

 

I'm rather annoyed someone might freely admit their kid can't be trusted to handle their own phone but think I should let my kid hand over their phone to let the kid use our minutes. :/

 

Oh and to be clear, we have told our kids that if another kid or adult wants to use their phone, they have my permission to say point blank, "My mom and dad will get really angry if I let anyone hold or use my iPhone. But I can call them and if I can make the call for you." And yes some people think that is nuts for teens and I really don't care. If their phone is hacked or heck knows what is downloaded or it is accidentally dropped or has liquid spilled on it, we are the ones who have to deal with it and buy a new phone. So anyone who does not like our policy should get their own phone.

[Joanne]

I don't know. I don't get the problem. The girls did girly things, had a fairly typical sleepover and had a good time.

 

Where is the problem?

[Murphy101]

Well the youth minister's wife never had a problem letting my daughter use her phone and/or to call .  My friends didn't have problems with calling for her either.  But my kids don't go tons of places either.

Ugh. Tree in forest.

 

I do not care if any adult does or does not have a problem with it.

 

What if this were the youth minister you trusted but your kid got a weird gut feeling from them and just wanted to come home?

 

Great. They now have to ask the person they have a weird vibe from to use the phone and explain (hopefully they will lie I guess?) why they want to go home.

 

Do I expect that to happen? Nope.

 

Point is, no decent mother would or those creeps wouldn't get away with it.

 

Or what if my daughter is being bullying by older brother of her friend? Mom goes out for milk leaving teen older brother in charge for a few minutes and taking her phone with her. Great. Now my daughter has to ask bully jerk for his phone to call me.

 

Again, do I expect that to happen? Nope.

 

No one ever does or the situations would be entirely non existent.

 

Or my teen sons are dropped off for a pool party where the parents are supposed to be there, but are only there sorta. Kids start drinking. Great. Now my kids have to overcome a ton of peer pressure to ask for a phone to call me. And everyone will know it was them. That'll be a fun day back at school Monday. Not.

 

Or my daughter leaves her phone on a kitchen counter and some other person spends 3 minutes downloading spyware to it. Now they can stalk her 24/7 and she will never know how they are doing it. They can listen into conversations, track her via GPS, copy her photos or even take photos with it and more without her ever knowing. Fun.

 

Do I expect ANY of these things? No I don't.

 

But no one ever expects bad things to happen and yet they still do happen.

 

When it happens, I want to be a phone call away if at all possible. And I don't want them to have their phone broken, compromised, or to have to beg a phone off someone else first.