I am so frustrated right now.

[plain jane]

I'm having a hard time coping with this on-going issue in my home.  I don't know how to fix this or if it's even possible.

 

What's the problem?  I am the only person in my family who cares what this house looks like at any given time.  Wait.  Let me correct that.  I am the only person who cares enough what the house looks like to do anything about it and frankly, I don't know how much more I can take.

 

Are other peoples' lives like this or is it just mine?  My kids, my husband, they just drop thing anywhere and everywhere and won't pick up a single thing.  They'll step on hand towels that have fallen on the floor and dry their hands on their pants (kids, not dh so much  :001_tt2: ) rather than bend over and pick up the hand towel that slipped off the holder.  They blow their noses and leave tissues everywhere, and this is my 12 yo!  Yes, she would die if I told her friends but at home, when nobody is looking, it's ok?  My husband, he's great.  He does many repairs around the house and saves us a lot of money.  But he never cleans up after himself and puts his tools away.  Never, ever, in all our years of marriage has he ever put a tool away after doing a job without my asking first.  The kids are the same.  I have set up and organized this whole house, books, toys, everything.  Everyone knows where 95% of the stuff in this house goes yet nobody makes it go back where it belongs without my asking first.

 

It's not ok.  :mad:   It's just not.

 

You would think my house looks trashed all the time but it doesn't.  Because I work my butt off to ensure that it doesn't.  But it's an awful lot of work picking up after 6 other people.  Yes, I make the kids get involved, but nobody does it on their own accord.  I'm tired.  So very very tired.

 

I really needed to vent.

[dragons in the flower bed]

 I hear you! I believe yours would be my life if I didn't have a pleasant way to assign a time when we all work together to pick up. Announce it at the dinner table. Or in the car. Wherever they all are. "Okay guys, from now on, we're going to have something called Pick Up Time. We'll decide on some music, put it on loud, and for the whole 15 minutes everyone will rush around putting things where they actually go. Dad and I will do it too. Whoever gets the most things picked up will get to pick the music next time. We'll have our first practice Pick Up Time right after dinner tonight, with no music in case there are questions." Make it fun. Or maybe just reward yourself... If you have them put a quarter in your therapy jar every time you have to remind them, soon you will be able to afford some very yummy "therapy."

[Dandelion]

Most kids are not naturally inclined to clean or pick up after themselves.  Mine are the same way.

 

It is frustrating and exhausting.  I find solace in the wisdom shared by moms of older kids/young adults that continuing to teach and work with your kids on this does eventually pay off.  Hang in there.   :grouphug:

[plain jane]

I hear you! I believe yours would be my life if I didn't have a pleasant way to assign a time when we all work together to pick up. Announce it at the dinner table. Or in the car. Wherever they all are. "Okay guys, from now on, we're going to have something called Pick Up Time. We'll decide on some music, put it on loud, and for the whole 15 minutes everyone will rush around putting things where they actually go. Dad and I will do it too. Whoever gets the most things picked up will get to pick the music next time. We'll have our first practice Pick Up Time right after dinner tonight, with no music in case there are questions." Make it fun. Or maybe just reward yourself... If you have them put a quarter in your therapy jar every time you have to remind them, soon you will be able to afford some very yummy "therapy."

We do have pick up time. Every day. And then 15 minutes later you'd never know it. :-/ ok. Maybe more than 15min. 30? Lol

 

Oh but my kids are oh so willing to offer help oh about 2 minutes before bedtime. ;). Sigh.

[twoxcell]

I can totally relate it gets old sometimes. My dc are required to help out around the house but I swear they are like mini tornadoes sometimes. My dh helps sometimes when it is really needed and I ask, but his idea of clean isn't the same as mine so the mess doesn't bother him as much. I'm always in awe at other people houses with how clean and neat everything is. Surely I'm not the only one who has kids that break everything and think the floor is a trash can. :leaving:

[PrincessMommy]

I totally get that.  There was a long, long ---long time when that was the case for me too.   I think my dh finally got it - but it took a long-- time.   He still has his messes, but they're in his place.   The kids have just needed to get older and move out before they've really changed...and of course, not all of them have changed.   I did have one kid who did care- but then he could still be just as messy, then he'd complain TO ME about the mess :glare:   yeah, but it was very defeating that they'd never do anything of their own accord.   I thought I'd raised them to help other people and, to me, taking out the trash or doing the dishes without being asked is helping someone else. 

 

 

 

[Wordsmith]

We do have pick up time. Every day. And then 15 minutes later you'd never know it. :-/ ok. Maybe more than 15min. 30? Lol

 

Oh but my kids are oh so willing to offer help oh about 2 minutes before bedtime. ;). Sigh.

Well, perhaps make them pick up the house before bedtime then. If they consider it a treat to stay up late, then they will consider the activity that lets them stay up late as a bearable task.

[plain jane]

The worst of it is that my older 3 will clean on their own accord when their friends are coming over. But when they know it's just only us at home? Pfffffft.

 

So, they do know clean and tidy from not. They're just selective as to when it matters. Boo.

 

Maybe I need to have company over daily. ;)

[plain jane]

Well, perhaps make them pick up the house before bedtime then. If they consider it a treat to stay up late, then they will consider the activity that lets them stay up late as a bearable task.

I've tried that too. The grumpiness that ensues the next day is not worth the help. They tend to get a little over exuberant in their help at night time. ;)

[Wordsmith]

I've tried that too. The grumpiness that ensues the next day is not worth the help. They tend to get a little over exuberant in their help at night time. ;)

Well, I figured it was worth a shot ;)

[fraidycat]

Well, I used to feel like that.

 

Several things changed:

 

1) I lowered my standards - a bit. A little bit of mess is more acceptable to me, so as not to drive myself crazy being the only one who cared.

 

2) I went on strike and stopped "knowing" where every family members junk was. Not my stuff, not my responsibility. Tools, shoes, clothes, toys, etc. Standard answer to "where is my ________?" Is "It's not mine, I don't use it."

 

2.1) I didn't pick it up and put it away, either. I spent a LOT of time in my bedroom while on strike. :)

 

3) I discovered minimalism. We still have too much stuff, but we have a LOT less now. We are not minimalists, but we have subtracted some belongings.

 

4) I do interrupt my kids in the middle of doing something to put trash in the trash, pick up wet towels, etc.

 

5) I do toss things in the trash (or big black trash bag in garage) if they are left laying around too long.

 

6) I nag/remind often with step-by-step instructions. For example: Go have a shower, put dirty clothes IN hamper, hang up towel when done. Then, See # 4, if I notice it's not done.

 

Yes it's tiring to be the Drill Sergeant, but after I accepted that it was part of "my job", it isn't as emotionally draining. When I resisted that part of it, I was a whole lot more tired and grumpy. Acceptance is key (of being the noticer, not the picker-upper).

[Danestress]

I can so relate to your frustration.

 

Two things help me.

 

(1)  Accepting that we all make choices, and in a way, I have made choices that created this situation.  I consistently find that the internal conflict caused by being the "bad guy" with my kids and husband isn't worth it to me, so I do things myself.  That's my choice.  Lots of Moms are more willing to rant and rave, and they get what they want - at least more than I do.

 

(2)  Focusing on what jobs they can do well.  "Clean your room" provides sort of an open chore.  What counts as clean?  But "empty the dishwasher" is pretty concrete.  You either did that or you didn't, and we won't end up arguing about whether my standards are reasonable.  So I tell the kids to empty the dish washer, set the table, feed the dog, and I make my peace with a certain amount of picking up after them.  My DH does the dishes every night.  I think about that when I am hanging his wet bath towel. 

[Brilliant]

I feel your pain.

 

A friend of mine and I frequently commiserate that we are the ONLY people in our homes capable of even changing an empty toilet paper roll for a full one.  And our "kids" are all between 16 and 20 now! 

 

I still have to say, "OK, time to pick up!" to my kids, or the house will be a disaster.  I don't know where I went wrong  :confused1:

[alisoncooks]

OP - your post sounded really familiar.  I don't have high standards re: tidiness/spotlessnes... but I would like to be able to walk from Point A to Point B without tripping over cr@p.  And it's the little things -- like a empty candy cane wrapper left on the arm of the sofa -- that get me irritated the most.  How hard is it to just put it in the trash?!  It's three feet away!!!

[GSOchristie]

No, not alone, I live with a 7 year old human mess tornado...who got that trait directly from his father.  They both blow about making messes and leaving them for the cleaning fairy to clean.  Two weekends ago we bought a live tree and cut the stump in our front yard.  My dh left the saw and hammer lying on the lawn where our kids and five of their friends were playing  :cursing: .  Thankfully I noticed before someone picked it up and got hurt.  His reply, "I left it out?"  I make my kids pick up completely twice a day, once before lunch and once before dinner.  If you come into our house more than an hour outside those times, it looks like a bomb went off in the playroom.  Thankfully, my second ds is naturally neat and orderly, so he cleans and cleans well, always puts his clothes in the hamper, hangs his towel up, etc, and my dd who is only 19 months younger than him tries to be like him.  

[GSOchristie]

OP - your post sounded really familiar.  I don't have high standards re: tidiness/spotlessnes... but I would like to be able to walk from Point A to Point B without tripping over cr@p.  And it's the little things -- like a empty candy cane wrapper left on the arm of the sofa -- that get me irritated the most.  How hard is it to just put it in the trash?!  It's three feet away!!!

My 7 year old found a washcloth that was a party favor from his birthday, it was wrapped in cellophane and had a cardboard insert.  I just watched him open it to see what he would do.  Rip cellophane, drop one piece on floor and one piece on desk, throw cardboard insert on floor, walk to the bathroom to wet washcloth to make it expand, drip water all over floor walking from bathroom to kitchen, drop sopping washcloth on floor after saying, "cool!  It's the Hulk!", run away to play Legos without a backward glance.

 

I stopped him and made him clean it up, but left to his own devices, he would have totally left all the junk on the floor and a trail of water from the bathroom to the kitchen  :glare: .

[itsheresomewhere]

If you find the cure to the used tissues, please tell me.   The trash can is right there yet they put it next to it.

[GSOchristie]

If you find the cure to the used tissues, please tell me.   The trash can is right there yet they put it next to it.

 

I'm trying to convince my people to use tissues, they will have steams of snot and just keep playing  :ack2: .  

[Garga]

Oh dear.  It's just this week that I finally reached my breaking point, too.  Up till now I haven't been too upset about it. But this week I suddenly felt overwhelmed and amazingly irritated at the mess.  Actually, it' not really the mess. It's the blithe lack of interest in caring for their own things that's getting to me.

 

I was hoping there would be answers in this thread, but mostly it's just commiseration.  I'm not looking forward to another decade of nagging at the kids.

[sbgrace]

I wonder if it would work to assign a room/area to each child. The responsibility would be to make sure their area is picked up at set points (say before bed, before lunch, before dinner). Rotate areas weekly or monthly.

 

We do clean up and I just ignore the mess the other times. But I've often thought maybe they would become more aware of the mess they are making if I did something like the above.

[Guest]

My 7 year old found a washcloth that was a party favor from his birthday, it was wrapped in cellophane and had a cardboard insert.  I just watched him open it to see what he would do.  Rip cellophane, drop one piece on floor and one piece on desk, throw cardboard insert on floor, walk to the bathroom to wet washcloth to make it expand, drip water all over floor walking from bathroom to kitchen, drop sopping washcloth on floor after saying, "cool!  It's the Hulk!", run away to play Legos without a backward glance.

 

I stopped him and made him clean it up, but left to his own devices, he would have totally left all the junk on the floor and a trail of water from the bathroom to the kitchen  :glare: .

 

I think a lot of that is just the personality of the person making the mess. A few years ago, my mother was sitting in the kitchen when she got the idea to show my kids how to make paper snowflakes. Yeah, that's cool and everything, but I watched her cut the snowflakes, oblivious to the snippets of paper falling all over the place. That is so foreign to me! When I pull off my pants, I pull them bottom-first, so they don't reverse themselves! Same with shirts. My mother always marveled when I would work on a cross-stitch because the back side of the work was almost as neat as the front side. It was funny to me because I would never dream of turning the back into a messy tangle of criss-crossing threads just because it's the back side! 

[GSOchristie]

I think a lot of that is just the personality of the person making the mess. A few years ago, my mother was sitting in the kitchen when she got the idea to show my kids how to make paper snowflakes. Yeah, that's cool and everything, but I watched her cut the snowflakes, oblivious to the snippets of paper falling all over the place. That is so foreign to me! When I pull off my pants, I pull them bottom-first, so they don't reverse themselves! Same with shirts. My mother always marveled when I would work on a cross-stitch because the back side of the work was almost as neat as the front side. It was funny to me because I would never dream of turning the back into a messy tangle of criss-crossing threads just because it's the back side! 

 

Totally, today I watched my middle son carefully peel a banana, get a napkin, eat the banana, throw the peel and the napkin away and go back to playing, without me saying a word.  It's just their different personalities.  

[MommyThrice]

 

Are other peoples' lives like this or is it just mine?  My kids, my husband, they just drop thing anywhere and everywhere and won't pick up a single thing.  They'll step on hand towels that have fallen on the floor and dry their hands on their pants (kids, not dh so much  :001_tt2: ) rather than bend over and pick up the hand towel that slipped off the holder.  

 

Yep.  Just this week I put out nice, brand new Christmas hand towels for guests.  I forgot to collect them after the guests left... They are now badly stained from teen boys (old enough to know better) drying their dirty hands on them.  I've threatened to throw them away and buy new ones, but I don't want to drive back into town.

 

They blow their noses and leave tissues everywhere, and this is my 12 yo!  Yes, she would die if I told her friends but at home, when nobody is looking, it's ok?  My husband, he's great.  He does many repairs around the house and saves us a lot of money.  But he never cleans up after himself and puts his tools away.  Never, ever, in all our years of marriage has he ever put a tool away after doing a job without my asking first.

 

Yep again.  Everything is a work-in-progress.  

 

 The kids are the same.  I have set up and organized this whole house, books, toys, everything.  Everyone knows where 95% of the stuff in this house goes yet nobody makes it go back where it belongs without my asking first.

 

It's not ok.  :mad:   It's just not.

 

You would think my house looks trashed all the time but it doesn't.  Because I work my butt off to ensure that it doesn't.  But it's an awful lot of work picking up after 6 other people.  Yes, I make the kids get involved, but nobody does it on their own accord.  I'm tired.  So very very tired.

 

I really needed to vent.

 

I am right there with you.  I just want some place I can go relax that looks nice.  My closet looks great, but I'm kinda hoping for something a little more comfortable!  We're having a youth group party here tomorrow night and no one has lifted a finger.  

 

[Lisa in Jax]

Well, I used to feel like that.

 

Several things changed:

 

1) I lowered my standards - a bit. A little bit of mess is more acceptable to me, so as not to drive myself crazy being the only one who cared.

 

2) I went on strike and stopped "knowing" where every family members junk was. Not my stuff, not my responsibility. Tools, shoes, clothes, toys, etc. Standard answer to "where is my ________?" Is "It's not mine, I don't use it."

 

2.1) I didn't pick it up and put it away, either. I spent a LOT of time in my bedroom while on strike. :)

 

3) I discovered minimalism. We still have too much stuff, but we have a LOT less now. We are not minimalists, but we have subtracted some belongings.

 

4) I do interrupt my kids in the middle of doing something to put trash in the trash, pick up wet towels, etc.

 

5) I do toss things in the trash (or big black trash bag in garage) if they are left laying around too long.

 

6) I nag/remind often with step-by-step instructions. For example: Go have a shower, put dirty clothes IN hamper, hang up towel when done. Then, See # 4, if I notice it's not done.

 

Yes it's tiring to be the Drill Sergeant, but after I accepted that it was part of "my job", it isn't as emotionally draining. When I resisted that part of it, I was a whole lot more tired and grumpy. Acceptance is key (of being the noticer, not the picker-upper).

Number 5. If it's on the floor after one warning, it's either thrown away or put in a garbage bag for X period of time.  If they don't notice it's gone, it's gone permanently.

 

I also enforce the "you can do so-and-so as soon as your floor is empty of all items except furniture" rule.

[KrissiK]

Oh, I live with pigs. I think it's the nature of being a child. My oldest is the worst. He just walks by the counter top and things fall off and break. He's like Pigpen in Charlie Brown. And he leaves destruction in his wake wherever he has been. And it's not that he's consciously destructive, either. It's just him. I've given up in a clean home.

[applethyme]

My sister had this same problem and lost all patience one day and started throwing things out of the back door.  Pots, pans, toys, clothes anything that was left out.  She continued until her house was tidy to her satisfaction.  Her kids and dh thought she lost her mind and it took them hours to put everything away.  Funny thing is that from then on it was not an issue. 

 

At my house I try to use the one in and one out rule.  If a new toy comes in then an old one needs to go out.   By keeping stuff to a minimum there is less of a mess.  I will say that if toys, tools ect are left lying around I will grab a trash bag and start filing.  I will allow them to earn things back but they really have to work for it. So much so that it is worth picking it up before it goes in the bag.  :lol:

[GSOchristie]

Oh, I live with pigs. I think it's the nature of being a child. My oldest is the worst. He just walks by the counter top and things fall off and break. He's like Pigpen in Charlie Brown. And he leaves destruction in his wake wherever he has been. And it's not that he's consciously destructive, either. It's just him. I've given up in a clean home.

 

:lol:   Have you ever shown him the Messy Marvin commercials from the 80's?  This is my son, we just watch them together and laugh :).

[wintermom]

I have no answers, either. I just feel your pain and live in my own little "pig pen." I do like the relaxed feeling of not having to pick up every single thing right away, but it does tend to slide into messiness pretty quickly when there are this many people around all day. And now that the puppy is shedding, along with the two cats, and I can't get them to clean up after themselves, there's just one more thing to add to the list of never-ending chores. It's that constant tidying that is exhausting. If it could be finished and admired it would really seem worthwhile to do it, but knowing it needs to be tackled again in a few days takes away a lot of the pleasure.

[Night Elf]

I've tried that too. The grumpiness that ensues the next day is not worth the help. They tend to get a little over exuberant in their help at night time. ;)

 

How about this? Pick a time before bedtime that is acceptable for everyone to clean. Anyone who doesn't clean must get into bed immediately regardless of what time the real bedtime is. I'd stand over their bathroom duties and then literally tuck them into their bed so they can't muck about. Anyone who gets out of bed must go to bed even earlier the next night. My kids hated going to bed early. It totally curbed their attitudes during the day knowing I was awarding penalty points throughout the day that translated to how early they would be going to bed that night.

[mrsrevmeg]

No real advice, but hang in ther. One day the kids will all be gone an you'll only have the husband to pick up after. At least that's what I keep telling myself. :tongue_smilie:

[Amy in NH]

Pick up all their junk and dump it in their beds.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I got tired of that too, and we also had cleanup time several times a day. Finally, silently, calmly, without lectures of any kind (this was very hard!!! :lol:), I started picking stuff up. But instead of putting stuff away (while muttering and ranting and lecturing and whining...) like usual, I started squirreling it away.

 

Then came the inquiries. "Mom, where is my _____?" "I can't find my _____!" Yeah, I had their _____ and _____, and no one got anything back until I saw major improvement in their ability to pick up after themselves. I once did it with towels (on the floor or beds instead of hung up? No!), spoons (LOL, yes, really...we had a rash of yogurt eating and leaving the empty yogurt container around with the spoon inside), wiimotes (yeah, so sorry you can't play! Ya shoulda put them away!)... This is pretty effective. The trick is to refuse to engage and just keep squirreling until they recognize that they must change.

[SKL]

I have to remind my kids frequently what to do with stuff, like hang up their coats etc.  Since they suck at developing habits, I developed the habit of telling them before it ends up on the floor.

 

For dd12's tissues - I'd make her carry around a garbage bag / bin since she can't be bothered to walk to the bin after using a tissue.  If she left any on the floor she would find them on her pillow when she went to bed.

 

My husband would find his tools on his side of the bed at night as well.  Or I would put them in a miscellaneous bin and make him go looking for them the next time he wants them.

 

But part of it may be relaxing about everything being perfect.  At some level, it's your choice to get upset.  If nobody else cares how the house looks, then you are the one choosing to make it perfect.  Nobody else is going to be bothered about your choice to do something they don't care about.  There's a broad range between unacceptable pigsty and spotless home, and each of us has to get comfortable with some spot along that range.  (Though, used tissues and the like - no.)

[Halcyon]

I havent read all the replies so this might have been suggested already. In our house, I def do most of the cleaning. DH does do outside work, deals with car maintenance, pool maintenance, lawn stuff..but i do the every day drudgery like dishes, laundry, picking up, etc. 

 

So once a day, I say it's clean up time. I give each kid a list of what he needs to do: wash dog, feed chickens, fold laundry, make bed, empty dishwasher, vacuum, weed outside. Usually about 45 minutes worth (not every day--some days we're too busy running around). Definitely Saturday is a big day to do this, but we try and do mini-sessions during the week. They're not allowed to do anything "fun" until chores are done RIGHT. We have been doing this consistently for about a year adn they know the drill..and they also know they'll get a boring, long-a** lecture about "being part of the family" and "mom is not the servant of the house" and "we all have to pitch in" and "dont' you remember that last episode of Hoarders on tv" if they don't buckle down and do the work CORRECTLY> 

 

 

:D

[Guest]

I just wanted to add my little :ack2: : Dh is the worst one for using a tissue and leaving it balled up on the end table. I hate that! 

 

Also, everyone in the house but me cannot unwrap a candy without leaving the wrappers sit wherever. Dh too! It drives me BONKERS! I have already vowed that I'm never buying Hershey's Kisses ever, ever again because the little paper tags show up everywhere. I'm not sure why it is so hard to throw the wrapper and the tag in the trash, but it seems to be a special skill only I possess. 

 

P.S. By way of solutions, I have done as a PP said and just chucked everything in a trash bag. Usually with a warning, but one time it was not. I had already said for a few days in a row that I could not stand all the misc. junk on the floor in the studio (playroom/schoolroom). Nobody heeded this. I threw away a costume, several pieces of "artwork", Nerf darts, Lego guys and whatever else was there. I threw away a glove that looks like a skeleton and is for dress-up. Just one glove. Know what? Nobody noticed or cared. That was probably 8 months ago and I haven't been asked for one thing that went missing. 

[Guest]

 

lecture about "being part of the family" and "mom is not the servant of the house" and "we all have to pitch in"

:iagree:  This is exactly what I say to my kids if I get the whining and eye-rolling. We also do job cards just as you described. 

[Baseball mom]

Thank you each and every one of you!  I now don't feel like the lone ranger. 

 

 

[SKL]

 

P.S. By way of solutions, I have done as a PP said and just chucked everything in a trash bag. Usually with a warning, but one time it was not. I had already said for a few days in a row that I could not stand all the misc. junk on the floor in the studio (playroom/schoolroom). Nobody heeded this. I threw away a costume, several pieces of "artwork", Nerf darts, Lego guys and whatever else was there. I threw away a glove that looks like a skeleton and is for dress-up. Just one glove. Know what? Nobody noticed or cared. That was probably 8 months ago and I haven't been asked for one thing that went missing. 

 

This is funny because I thought my kids were the type to notice things being gone.  I just brought up the Christmas fun stuff from the basement and discovered a pile of their once favorite little prince / princess dolls in there.  I had no idea they ever went missing.  ;)  They were happy to see them again, though.

 

When I was little, I had a dollhouse and one of the beds went missing.  I searched for that thing for YEARS.  So maybe I am the weird one.  :P

[GSOchristie]

My kids can't seem to remember the things they need to do every day.  So I made a list and put them in page protectors.  It is detailed.  Like take off pajamas, put in hamper.  Brush teeth, wipe sink after finished, put toothbrush back in holder. Swish downstairs potty and return brush to holder (yes, Asher has left it on the rug  :ack2:).  Put on clothes, don't forget underwear  :huh: .  They use a dry erase marker to put a check after it is completed.  The top section is before lunch, the bottom is after.  I have to read Jax's to him, but it has helped cut down a little on the reminders.  Asher will be like, "what are my chores?"  and I'm like, go check your binder.  They have a page for each day of the week. I look at the binder at 10:30 and have them complete any tasks they missed, and again at 4:30.  If they don't have most of their boxes checked, they don't get their allowance that day.  I have faith that one day they are going to be responsible, clean people able to manage their households...one day far, far away  :lol: .  

[PeachyDoodle]

Number 5. If it's on the floor after one warning, it's either thrown away or put in a garbage bag for X period of time.  If they don't notice it's gone, it's gone permanently.

 

I also enforce the "you can do so-and-so as soon as your floor is empty of all items except furniture" rule.

 

My mother called this the "Lucky Bag." As in, you're lucky if you ever see your stuff again. It worked on us then, and it works on my kids now. Problem is, you have to do it, and for some reason I always feel kind of bad pitching dd's things into the garbage. Which is ridiculous, given the amount of complaining I do about the state of our house! :lol:

 

I agree with the PP that said some of this is a personality thing. DS3 is MUCH neater than dd8. And, as someone else said, having too much stuff definitely makes things worse.

 

We just went through this with dd. Her room, bathroom, and closet had become INTOLERABLE. (Her room used to be the master bedroom in our house, and it's enormous, with a huge walk-in closet.) I have organized and re-organized her room, sometimes with her help, sometimes (operating on the theory that she needed someone to show her how to organize) by myself. NOTHING has worked. She knows where everything goes, she just doesn't bother to put it away. We told her we had come to the conclusion that she has more stuff than she can properly take care of and, as such, we were going to work together to reduce the clutter in her room by at least 75%. We actually took a break from school yesterday and Thursday to focus on this "life skill." She wasn't thrilled at first, but she did get into sorting things to keep, trash, and donate.

 

This morning I found her shoes, pool bag, coat, etc., etc.... in the middle of her floor. 

 

::sigh::

 

I feel your pain, OP.

[clarkacademy]

If the house isn't picked up guess they don't wanna eat. If you don't bring me dirty clothes they don't get washed. If I have to step on a toy you must not have wanted it etc etc. I am not the maid. You have a choice clean your room when I say or I will, with garbage bags. I don't deal well with lazy or dirty.

[Wordsmith]

How about this? Pick a time before bedtime that is acceptable for everyone to clean. Anyone who doesn't clean must get into bed immediately regardless of what time the real bedtime is. I'd stand over their bathroom duties and then literally tuck them into their bed so they can't muck about. Anyone who gets out of bed must go to bed even earlier the next night. My kids hated going to bed early. It totally curbed their attitudes during the day knowing I was awarding penalty points throughout the day that translated to how early they would be going to bed that night.

That seems like a really good idea.

[sewingmama]

Honestly..I'd be happy if my kîds left tissues on the floor because it means they actually used one. Mine prefer to wipe their snot on the walls where it dries like cement.

[ficbot]

I find that the stress it causes me to fight about this with my guy is so vastly out of proportion to the amount of effort it would take me to do it myself that it is not even comprable. We don't fight about this, period. The only one I will nag about is putting his medications away because it's a bad habit to get into with kids coming in and out.

 

Sometimes, I do gently have a conversation---the other day, I had to spend ten of my precious getting-ready-in-the-morning minutes putting away his dishes so I could use the counter space to make our lunches. He felt bad about it when I told him because he truly had not realized it mattered. He just assumed they could stay out until he got to them and didn't realize there was a consequence---to me---if he didn't, because I physically could not use the counter unless they were put away first and since he didn't do it, I had to.

 

As for the rest of it, the secrets have been to declutter so we have less stuff, and to give him his space to be messy. He has his own bathroom, so I don't care what happens there, and he has his own space on his side of the bed that I can't see unless I am looking right at it, so I don't care what happens there. If I am doing a big clean, I give him 24 hours notice to pick up his stuff so I can vacuum, and he complies. If he leaves stuff out in the living room (he is bad about shedding socks when he's relaxing) I will pick them up and put them on his desk, which is right there. He can leave them there if he wants to, but usually, he'll put them away before he goes on the computer. He has never commented about me leaving them there, nor have I. I think he gets the message :)

[GSOchristie]

Honestly..I'd be happy if my kîds left tissues on the floor because it means they actually used one. Mine prefer to wipe their snot on the walls where it dries like cement.

 

:lol: , mine do the same thing on their sleeves, Jackson and Piper have suits of armor when they have a cold.

[Julie Smith]

Honestly..I'd be happy if my kîds left tissues on the floor because it means they actually used one. Mine prefer to wipe their snot on the walls where it dries like cement.

 

I caught Youngest doing that once. Not boogers, but his hands were dirty from eating or something, and he turned around and started wiping them on the walls. 

 

He then spent a great deal of time washing the walls. After being caught a couple of times he decided that it was not the fastest easiest way to wipe your hands. 

[Rachel TX]

We do a family pick-up time once or twice a day for a few minutes. It's a condition to having friends over or going somewhere fun. Daily practice to build habits.

[FriedClams]

I heard a wise mom share once "Kids don't do what you EXpect, but what you INspect." I think it's totally true.

 

Sit the kids down. Assign the chores - one before school, one after maybe. Make a list. Make it clear. Train them for a week or so walking alongside them and making sure they know what to do, and what's considered "done". Once they can do it while you watch without helping or reminding - they're safe for solo!

 

Then daily - INSPECT. Make sure it's done correctly. Giving them a pass is no help - to you or them. Make it a quick walk through but do it.

 

Lastly, I'd make sure there are consequences for not getting them done. In our house there no fun until the work is done. No screens, sports, friends, etc until all the chores, schoolwork and piano are done.

[Above The Rowan]

I used to make myself crazy trying to get the kids and my significant other to care as much as i tried to about how the place looked.

 

Then I realized "if they don't mind the disorganization - why AM I killing myself?" Now, we are just more laid back. I tidy up during the day, we do big cleaning together on the weekends when he is home from work, and I am no longer fighting the endless battle.

 

By nature I'm a messy person, not dirty but just untidy. So it's just better for us to do a 30 min mad dash through the place once a day than it is for me to make myself nutbar about this.

 

Some battles are just not worth the fight.

 

Having said that, I don't tolerate dirty dishes, dirty Kleenex issues, and when it's time to tidy they pitch in or I get rid of their things. I have explained to them that we are a family and it is our responsibility collectively to make sure that our home is taken care of.

 

I am no ones maid.