WWYD? Communal good or good of the one?

[plain jane]

I just got a call from the hospital and a spot opened up for one of my kids to have surgery next week.  It's a 4-5 hour procedure and requires about 4 days in hospital.  It's not essential to life but it is critical that it get done as soon as possible.

 

Thing is, my other kids have several performances this weekend (that they are IN, not watching).  They have been looking forward to them and while none of them are in leading roles/positions, I can't say that they wouldn't be missed.  However, none are the "only" one in their roles so the show will go on without them.

 

There are a plethora of "bugs" going around right now.  The kids will be back stage for hours for 3 days in a row and at different venues (different things going on) and I am very concerned they will pick up something and bring it home and then my other child will not be able to have surgery.  I also need to make sure that I don't get sick as I would like to be in the hospital.  If one of my guys gets a stomach bug and I get it while looking after them, even if the surgery child doesn't get sick, it really throws things off, kwim?

 

I have spoken to the other kids and they understand the need for their sibling to have surgery.  However, I feel guilty for keeping everyone home from these performances.  OTOH, I think I may feel guiltier if they do go and bring something home and surgery gets put off.

 

Dh has a job where it is very difficult to have time off and the timing of this couldn't be better as it corresponds with time off for Christmas= he can be here so one of us can always be in the hospital while the other is home with the kids.  I don't have anyone who can stay with the other kids during a 4 day hospital stay at this time.  The timing, despite being right before Christmas, is actually quite good.  I suspect we got in because of a cancellation due to the proximity to holidays.

 

I realize the kids could pick up something anywhere so the plan would be to stay home starting now and lie low until after the surgery.  There would have to be no play dates or outings but we could do our baking and crafts, etc.  Last thing I would want is to make them skip their performances only to pick up the flu from a shopping cart handle.   :huh:  Dh is used to changing clothes and showering when he gets home so it is less likely they will pick something up from him.  Also, in all our 10++ years together he has only been sick (including colds) about 6 times.  Odds are good that dh won't make my surgery child sick, but of course, there is no guarantee.

 

But I feel so guilty.  It puts everyone else's lives on hold.  I don't think they will resent their sibling as they understand the importance of the surgery.  The ones that don't are too young to care if we don't go out or not.  

 

And the surgery child, well, I've tried not to include them in these types of discussions because I certainly don't want them to bear any guilt.  The guilt, if any, should be mine.  :unsure:

 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

What would I do?

 

I would give everyone elderberry everyday, give everyone hand sanitizer, and change clothes as soon as they got home.

 

We have had to do the complete lockdown before (one sibling with cancer, one sibling born 2 months early). We still have medically fragile people in the house, but with these precautions we get by. If anyone shows a hint of being sick, they are in isolation in their room.

 

If this was a heart or lung surgery, then I would do a lockdown.

 

I totally get where you are coming from, though, and my children are all very close with each other in part, I believe, due to the sacrifices they have made for each other.

[justasque]

See if the performing kids can stay with fellow performers for a few days.  They'll be out of your hair so you can focus on the surgery, and the performers won't have to rearrange due to their absence.  Do a whole lot of baking/cooking so you can send some food along with each kid, to make it easier for their hosts.  Make sure to return the favor once your family is fit for visitors.  (Or, farm them out to local relatives, if any.)

[Chris in VA]

Would probably depend on the type of surgery--like a PP said, a transplant or something (which I'm sure it's not) would warrant a lockdown.

 

Other than that, I wouldn't sweat it. 

 

I mean, unless your kids have compromised immunity, I just don't think they'd get sick. And if you do prevent something, who's to say you won't pick up something at the grocery store, or the gas station? 

 

Have everyone wash hands after coming from somewhere, eat healthy foods, get lots of sleep. 

 

Enjoy the performances. I just don't think life should stop for something like this. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

I agree, medical stuff trumps fun stuff.  It would also be important to me that the surgery is perfectly timed with my husband's work schedule.  I'd be very grateful that I have raised kids who are so sweetly unselfish and who will be supportive of whatever decision is made. That says a lot about you as parents and how you are raising your family.

 

:grouphug:  

[RebeccaS]

In the grand scheme of their lives, this is just a small portion of it and you said that they'd understand.  I'd go on lock down and schedule the surgery.  We did it here when first ds was a newborn.  He was born with a chd and the cardiologist told us to keep him as healthy as possible and that included secluding as much as possible.  We are every Sunday unless you're dying church attendees, but that winter just dh or I would go and the rest stayed home in order to keep ds as healthy as possible for the surgery he was to have later on. It sounds like the timing is just about perfect and personally, I'd look at that as a sign that surgery now is the right decision to make.  

[Murphy101]

Of it made the dif between whether dh and I could always be at the hospital - that's be the deal clincher for us.

[OrganicAnn]

I think being able to have a parent with the child in the hospital trumps the performances.   If that wasn't a consideration, then I would say put off the surgery.    Kids no matter how old can be scare staying in a hospital and I think it is best if a parent can be with them.

 

That's what I would do.

[fraidycat]

I'd do everything in my power to get the critical surgery done when it works best with DH's work schedule to have one parent at hospital and one at home.

 

So, if it were me, I'd be going on lockdown.

[Terabith]

I guess I'm the outlier.  I think it is kind of mean to the performers and to the production to pull them out on the "just in case."  I would either 1) try to get performing children to stay with other performers, or 2) just take vitamin c, wash hands a lot, take elderberry syrup, etc and hope for the best.  I think we've got immune systems for a good reason, and unless someone is compromised, the odds of getting sick are relatively small, and if someone DOES get sick, they isolate in their rooms, etc etc. 

[Annie G]

I'm with Terabith. Has the surgeon recommended that you isolate your family for the next week?  If not, I'd just proceed with regular plans but make sure hands are washed and other typical precautions are taken.   

[trulycrabby]

I think you should do what needs to be done to get the surgery done as soon as possible.

[zoobie]

It would depend on the immune system of the child having surgery, but I would try to keep the kids in the performance quarantined rather than pulling them if at all possible. Or give them that option. Be in the performance = take voodoo vitamins, shower/change, and stay away from sibling.

[regentrude]

I would consult the doctor and ask whether he recommends isolation.

Seeing that the hospital itself is the place that is most likely to get a person infected with germs, restricting the siblings' activities seems unnecessary to me. I have not heard of this as general protocol, unless the patient is severely immunocompromised.

[lmrich]

Ask my friends if they could help. Spend time with your kid in the hospital and let the others have fun. Borrow a video of it and watch it together as a family when kid is home from the hospital!

[RanchGirl]

Unless the surgeon is recommending isolation, I would schedule the surgery but have the performers carry on taking reasonable precautions like eating healthy, washing hands before eating and whenever arriving home. Changing clothes and leaving shoes at the door is also a good idea, as well as reminding kids not to share drinks and avoid obviously sick people.

[Joker]

I think you would always have a reason not to do the surgery to cater to others in the family. The scenario you are presented with works best for you and your dh so I would go for it. I don't think it's unfair considering some might just be giving up performing where as another sibling is actually having surgery. I can't fathom one of my dds not understanding that.

[mom2samlibby]

I'd probably continue with life as planned, but we are pretty healthy here.  My kids are hardly ever sick, so they probably wouldn't catch something just by being around others backstage.   

 

And I do understand the need to stay healthy. . . my husband was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2007.  He continued to work throughout his chemo and radiation treatments and the kids stayed in their activities -- dance, Wed night church, and others.  We didn't vary our routine.  

 

I guess I'm of the mindset that it helps to keep everyone healthy by continuing on with life and activities while other parts are being turned upside down.  It gives them something to focus on, which keeps siblings happier.  

[bettyandbob]

I would go ahead with surgery and let the other kids go ahead with their programs. I didn't see how ok'd all your dc were. I didn't you see if you were told by med personnel to isolate the dc. If you are really concerned, perhaps you could go over germ basics, hand washing, keeping a little distance from their sibling, not sharing food and drink with others, etc.

 

MY ds had surgery last year and we did not change anyone else's routine. My dd had performances with two different dance companies within 5days after surgery. I missed one show altogether. We did worki it out so I saw one performance of another show.

[Mergath]

It would depend on the type of surgery, but I'd still let the other kids go to their performance.  Unless, as someone said, the surgery was performed on the heart or lungs, I don't see the point of locking down your entire household.

[Cindy in FL.]

I would give everyone a good talk about taking extra precautions to avoid germs and let the "show go on".

[DawnM]

Good of the one IS communal good when it comes to the health of a family member.

[Starr]

I'm confused. But I would go ahead with the surgery, one parent with recovering child, one parent to chauffeur other kids around. At performance time it's always good to have rest times and eat well. A hospital stay of 4 days usually means a fair amount of recovery time at home.  :grouphug: You will need your husband available.

[LMA]

Your biggest source of infection will be the hospital. I had an infection from every single operation and the dr. always thought it was picked up in the hospital. Once the OR's temp. was 85 degrees because they used an OR that was under renovation. The maternity hospital I was in did not have trash pickup from the rooms over the weekend, not sure why. So the trash from the nurses and drs. would pile up in the rooms. So your biggest source of germs is the hospital.

 

I would let the kids go to their performances. We let the kids go to their camps/classes when the youngest was born and was in the NICU. They still came to the NICU to see the baby. Just have the kids shower and wear clean clothes before they come visit and use hand sanitizer before they see their sibling. It's better than having the kids antsy hanging around the house. If anyone is coughing, keep them home.

[Cera]

I would opt for a healthy diet and lots of hand washing for the performing kids.  Maybe even showering and changing into clean clothes when they get home if the one having surgery has immune system issues.  

 

Other than that I would continue to live life as we normally do and hope for the best.  There will always be germs and if you are considering surgery next week chances are your kids have already been exposed to things that could have them sick by then.  

 

While the situation you described sounds urgent it also sounds like you allowed your kids to commit to, and get excited about, these performances already.  I am assuming the plan was to have the surgery at a later date and that was acceptable, changing the date is for your convenience and while that is certainly a good reason I don't think it is enough of a reason to alter the other kids plans at such a late date.

 

Most likely everyone will enjoy their activities, surgery will go well and no one will wind up sick.

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug:

 

I think I qould quarantine surgery kid and let the others go to their activities with extra hand-washing.   Keep the kid having surgery away from the others - watching movies, playing games.  Depending on the age, that might mean quarantining mom too and the other kids need to help make arrangements for their own rides.

[AimeeM]

What kind of surgery is it? Before and after Nico's lung/vascular surgery, he was isolated. It was critical that we keep him isolated. He did end up with an infection post-op and was hospitalized an additional 2 weeks because of it (it caused problems with the partial lung that had been operated on). The decision for me would also be dependent on surgery kid's age. My son was only 18 months at the time of his surgery - he couldn't be isolated on his own. Even now, at 4.5, that would be almost impossible - he still needs care and my other children do as well, so I would be in a position of transferring germs.

[Ali in OR]

Our disabled dd has had health issues/hospitalizations from time to time (thankfully not often). We want our other two to have as normal a life as possible and not think "I couldn't do XXXX because of my sister". We would work to make sure that they were able to continue their activities while their sibling prepared for surgery. If there was a lot of illness going around town, I think I would isolate surgery kid alone and have normal illness-prevention precautions with the others.