This is a new Way to Ask for Money

[Liz CA]

I'm trying to figure out how to fit a blender into an envelope. . . 

 

:lol:  My thoughts exactly.

But a card will fit into an envelope - voila, and "enveloped gift."

[Laura Corin]

Even if a certain gift is traditional in a certain culture, I still don't think you get to tell other people they have to give that gift.  Tough tiddlywinks IMO.

 

I see it as a courtesy to confused guests, who might not know whether to go with the customs of the Philippines, China or America.  Aren't we always being told that etiquette is all about making our guests comfortable by having established rules?

 

L

[Dandelion]

Tacky.

 

Gift giving is voluntary and should be left up to the discretion of the giver.  Once you provide specific instructions for gift giving (especially on the invitation), the whole dynamic changes.  While it can be helpful to know a couple's preferences, and I get why some people appreciate that, to me the process becomes more like an errand when I'm told what to give.  Even just being "told to give", which is basically what you're doing when you include instructions like this on your wedding invitation, crosses the line.

 

Jean - I'm glad you like this couple and are happy for them.  Envelop them in love.  ;)

 

 

[SKL]

I see it as a courtesy to confused guests, who might not know whether to go with the customs of the Philippines, China or America.  Aren't we always being told that etiquette is all about making our guests comfortable by having established rules?

 

L

 

It is not unusual for people to wonder what the couple would appreciate as a gift.  But when I'm not sure what to get someone, I ask somebody who would know better.  (The bride, if it's someone I know that well.)  If it isn't someone I am that close with, I would give money.

 

Normally for an actual wedding I give money anyway (gifts at the shower).  But I have been known to give gifts at a wedding as well.  Like when I found a set of things that were outside the reasonable price range for either the wedding or the shower, so I gave part of the set for the shower and part for the wedding.

 

I think that once a person demands a particular kind of gift, he makes guests uncomfortable as they wonder whether their gift (of money or otherwise) was quite up to standard.  I would expect that a gift recipient appreciates any gift and has a plan for gifts that might not fit his/her lifestyle.

[MFG]

I understand the etiquette issues, but I'd rather people just be up front about what they want gift wise. If they don't want a lot of stuff that makes it much easier for me.

I agree. And while I understand that registry information is not to be included in the invitation, and we did not with dd wedding, I actually prefer to receive the registry information along with the invitation. It does not make me feel that I must buy if gift if I am not planning to attend, or that I may only buy from the registry. I see it as a convenience for me. I don't want to have to make additional inquiries to get the information.

[8circles]

We got a wedding invitation today. At the bottom: Enveloped gifts are much appreciated.

i've not seen this kind of invitation before. I'm with the few people who have no problem with it.

 

It is no secret that wedding guests, by and large, bring a gift. it doesn't elevate the quality of the event to pretend that doesn't happen. I believe that the best way to give a gift is to give what is most needed/desired. So I think a mild comment with that information is actually quite helpful. there is no demand or insistence or requirement to give anything at all, let alone give money. it is simply a suggestion. take it or leave it.

 

I will never understand the apparent sport of pointing out where someone doesn't follow etiquette. seems kind of like that itself should be an etiquette no-no.

[Moxie]

I realize it breaks "the rules" to mention gifts but I am practical to a fault. I take a gift to weddings. Knowing what they would like saves me a phone call and, in this case, a trip to the mall. I'm not horrified.

[MFG]

 

I will never understand the apparent sport of pointing out where someone doesn't follow etiquette. seems kind of like that itself should be an etiquette no-no.

This. The word 'tacky' comes to mind.

[mytwomonkeys]

Although I agreed asking for cash is tacky, I don't find a registry tack. I've never been to a wedding that didn't have one honestly. I always buy off the registry or give cash. I never just give a random gift.

[musicianmom]

Well, I just saw on FB that an engaged couple of my acquaintance has started a page on one of those fundraising sites where people can donate for their honeymoon.

[mytwomonkeys]

Well, I just saw on FB that an engaged couple of my acquaintance has started a page on one of those fundraising sites where people can donate for their honeymoon.

That is really weird to me!

[JFSinIL]

I'd want to give them some writing paper, with envelopes, of course.

 

Exactly what I would send! ;-)

[OnTheBrink]

Tacky. I don't mind registries because I want to give the couple something they want or need, in colors they'll like. But I never give cash for gifts. If I go to both a shower and the wedding, I'll normally give one gift straight off the registry and maybe a fun gift, like a movie night basket or a romantic evening basket or something similar. 

 

I think it's horribly presumptuous to expect people to contribute to a honeymoon. Plan a honeymoon you can afford! And while we're at it, plan a WEDDING you can afford! 

[poppy]

I know it's supposed to be an etiquette thing, but really, so many etiquette things are just plain silly to me. Everyone follows them because everyone always has, where's the logic in that? I would much prefer everyone be upfront on what they want, saving me time and energy when it comes to shopping. I'm supposed to call someone close to the bride to find out where they're registered, really? I might be close to the bride but have no contact info for her family. Although it may be proper, it feels pretty rude that I'm supposed to do all this legwork and research to figure out a gift.

 

I know as a wedding guest it's rude to show up without a gift or card. Everyone involved knows I'm going to bring something, so just tell me what already. Etiquette be damned! I can't remember what we did at our wedding, but all we got was cash which I'm thankful for. I know we didn't register anywhere. I do know we slaughtered a lot of other wedding etiquette rules. Fortunately, the people that love me are used to the fact I'm either inept or don't care about expected social norms, so no one seemed upset or called us out on anything. Benefit of being considered "creatives," you can get away with pretty much anything!

 

 

I would not mention "gimme cash" in a wedding invite not due to advice from an etiquette book, but for practical reasons.  First I can't imagine any context in which you can say "gimme cash" to anyone without feeling crass. Unless they owe you money or you're splitting a check or something.  Also because I know some of my relatives would be embarrassed to give a small check vs a well-wrapped modest gift. Stuff like that.

 

I also don't get the "just be clear about what you want" argument because honestly, I don't know of any getting-married couple who doesn't want cash.   If it's ok to ask for what you want, why not just ask for a minimum amount suggestion too? When does it start getting inappropriate?

[Susan C.]

Well...... I moved to where dh lived after the wedding. And we spread word verbally (not on the invitation) for guests to consider giving money because there wasn't much room in the car for gifts.  Thank goodness, it took me awhile to find a job and we lived off of that money!

[Tammyla]

Sn :001_tt2: rt! 

 

I'm picturing myself hunting for really big envelopes; just because I'm that way, you know.

 

 

After reading this, I'm waiting for the social stamp of approval on...Hey, just deposit cash into our account on-line.

 

We got a wedding invitation today.  At the bottom:  Enveloped gifts are much appreciated.

 

[QueenCat]

Really? I rarely give money.

 

Me either. I really try to find something special that reflects the couple's personality. And I rarely look at registries...

[Moxie]

Me either. I really try to find something special that reflects the couple's personality. And I rarely look at registries...

Really?? We're invited to lots of weddings in which we don't know that much about the actual couple. I would never be so bold as to give them something I think they will want.

 

For example, DH is Italian. We invited lots of older Italian friends and relatives to our wedding. Older Italians tend to enjoy GOLD and SILVER, the bigger, the better!! We received so many silver decorative plates, bowls and candlesticks. I'm pretty minimalist. All those gifts are still in boxes, 14 years later. Yes, the giver loved them and thought, OF COURSE we would love them but we just don't.

 

Don't get my husband started on the Sewing Spinning Sally gift we got. He couldn't even bring himself to store that thing so it went to Goodwill within a week of the wedding.

 

Why take a risk and waste your money when nearly every newly married couple could use cold, hard cash??

[Jeannie in NJ]

when dh and I got married 23 years ago, we had a small wedding,  our families and maybe 10 friends.  We did not do a registry or receive any checks or cash gifts.  We got very nice gifts, cutting boards, knives, cannister set, towels, other kitchen stuff, sheets (all stuff we needed and our families pretty much knew what we needed) ,  We got lots of gifts from my mother (crystal, sliver, china).  What I love is that I still use most of these items and I tell my dc "these are the cutting boards we got from Sharon, the knives we got from Anne, the such and such from Aunt E, the silver from my mom, etc).  My dd loves knowing all the people that gave us the items we use in our home.

[Cinder]

Actually, it was an evite.  I left that part off because I was only going to bring up one controversial etiquette issue!

 

Why waste money on envelopes? :laugh:

 

[QuirkyKapers]

You could get a gift card and put in the envelope.  :)  If you want the choices narrowed down of what they buy than get a gift card from a store that only sells kitchen gadgets.

[Jennay]

I actually wouldn't mind contributing to a fund for the honeymoon instead of giving a material item (that's not on their registry specifically) that will probably just become clutter that they will feel guilty getting rid of because it "was a wedding gift."  We received so many useless items for our wedding that have been cluttering up our storage areas for 13 years.

[mytwomonkeys]

Why waste money on envelopes? :laugh:

 

You could just paypal them a gift - with fees intact of course, lol

[KarenNC]

I'm of the opinion that one shouldn't plan a honeymoon (or wedding, for that matter) that one can't afford. If someone wants to give cash, or offers to help defray the cost of something, that is one thing, but to plan either event knowing you have to ask your guests to fund it bothers me.

[Catwoman]

You could put a picture of their blender in the envelope.

 

You could also include a little note.

 

"This is the blender I was planning to give you as a wedding gift, only I couldn't fit it into an envelope so I just kept it for myself."

[Word Nerd]

I will never understand the apparent sport of pointing out where someone doesn't follow etiquette. seems kind of like that itself should be an etiquette no-no.

 

If the OP or others in this thread had called up the bride and told her how tacky her wedding invitation was, then I would agree. 

[FaithManor]

Since many people in my are are on very tight budgets because the economy is bad, most would shop sales

and clearance end caps in Ortega to find something nice for $10.00 or even less. My parents recently

gave a $50.00 picture frame they got at Michael's for $9.50. Would the couple who issued the invitation

be offended to receive $9.50 in an envelope? I would think its pretty crass for someone to expect a

certain size dollar amount as a minimum. And then there is grandma's priceless quilt that required

zillions of ours of work to hand piece...cold hard cash is better?

 

Bottom line...absolutely NO ONE is obligated to give a gift and any couple should be truly grateful

for what they do receive even if that means running to Walmart and returning three toasters.

[8circles]

If the OP or others in this thread had called up the bride and told her how tacky her wedding invitation was, then I would agree. 

 

Well, my comment wasn't directed at the OP at all, I don't think she has said anything about "tacky" or anything else negative.  Just coming up with interesting ways to satisfy a new sort of request.  But in general, I don't find it any better to insult people behind their back than up front.  

 

Since many people in my are are on very tight budgets because the economy is bad, most would shop sales

and clearance end caps in Ortega to find something nice for $10.00 or even less. My parents recently

gave a $50.00 picture frame they got at Michael's for $9.50. Would the couple who issued the invitation

be offended to receive $9.50 in an envelope? I would think its pretty crass for someone to expect a

certain size dollar amount as a minimum. And then there is grandma's priceless quilt that required

zillions of ours of work to hand piece...cold hard cash is better?

 

Bottom line...absolutely NO ONE is obligated to give a gift and any couple should be truly grateful

for what they do receive even if that means running to Walmart and returning three toasters.

 

Faith, this is directed at the whole idea of more personal gifts, not your post specifically.

 

I feel like people are reading more into the comment on the invitation than it deserves.  If one has an idea for a personal gift that isn't what the couple is requesting, I don't know why you would feel that it wouldn't be appreciated.  If a couple has a registry, it doesn't mean anything not on the registry is not wanted.  If a guest were to ask the couple (or other family member) what they most needed/wanted and it was ________, does that mean that anything that isn't _________ isn't wanted & wouldn't be appreciated?  I don't think so.  

 

I agree with especially the bolded.  I just don't see including a preference as saying anything counter that.  If it did, then just having a registry would do the same.  They've made their preferences - if you don't use that when deciding on a gift, then don't.  If you do, then there it is & you don't have to ask.

[bettyandbob]

I rarely give money because I generally know someone closely involved well enough to ask. I might already know what and where to buy. Or I might know the bride, groom, close friends, the parents. If I do not know anyone well enough who is involved closely with the wedding to handle the human interaction it takes to find out what to get, then why am I going to the wedding and was I invited simply to get a gift out of me.

 

If I asked and some one said "the couple is hoping for cash to buy furniture" or "typically in the bride's culture, everyone brings money" then yes I would give cash. However, if I do not know anyone well enough to ask such a question I am not going to attend (I might send a congratulatory card).

[Alice]

Yes.  You arrive with a red envelope.

 

At a Chinese wedding, there is a table at the entrance of the wedding reception where guests give their red envelopes to attendants and sign their names on a large scroll. The attendants will immediately open the envelope, count the money inside, and record it on a register next to the guests’ names.

A record is kept of how much each guest gives to the newlyweds. This is done for several reasons. One reason is bookkeeping. A record insures the newlyweds know how much each guest gave and can verify the amount of money they receive at the end of the wedding from the attendants is the same as what the guests brought. Another reason is that when unmarried guests eventually get married, the bride and groom are typically obliged to give the guest more money than what the newlyweds received at their wedding.

 

L

 

Dh is Chinese-American and I’ve been to a lot of family weddings (he has 20+cousins and they all invite everyone to everything and now the cousin’s kids area at marrying age). I’ve never seen red envelopes done at a wedding or seen a record kept at the entrance. I’m not doubting the custom, just pointing out that it’s not universal and probably less and less seen for those who are 1st and 2nd generation Americans. 

[KungFuPanda]

:blink:

 

Any mention of gifts *in the invitation* is tacky.

  

It is tacky to suggest what kind of gift the giver should give the recipient.

 

 

 

It's tacky. That's it's cute does not make it less tacky.

  

 

Ahhh, but outside of the south calling something 'tacky' doesn't pack the punch it does down there. The further north you travel, the more 'tacky' looses it's power as The Ultimate Insult. Personally, I'm terrified of 'Tacky' because my mother and grandmother have ALL the same opinions about manners that Ellie does, but I'm not sure how many 20 and 30-somethings feel that way today. Without that fear, people just do whatever the heck they want!

 

Actually, it was an evite.  I left that part off because I was only going to bring up one controversial etiquette issue!

I'm just gonna stand waaaay back here and wait for Mom's, Mammaw's, and Ellie's head to explode.

[Ellie]

 

I'm just gonna stand waaaay back here and wait for Mom's, Mammaw's, and Ellie's head to explode.

 

BWaaahaaaahaaaa!!!

[Mbelle]

It seems like a gross assumption and an entitlement attitude.

 

Also, just downright tacky.  

[MFG]

 

 

 

 

Ahhh, but outside of the south calling something 'tacky' doesn't pack the punch it does down there. The further north you travel, the more 'tacky' looses it's power as The Ultimate Insult. Personally, I'm terrified of 'Tacky' because my mother and grandmother have ALL the same opinions about manners that Ellie does, but I'm not sure how many 20 and 30-somethings feel that way today. Without that fear, people just do whatever the heck they want!

 

.

This is a very good point. I can acknowledge that it is slightly tacky but my response is, " Yeah, but so what?" Given the right circumstances, I am willing to embrace tacky. Doesn't particularly terrify me.

[SKL]

LOL about the north.  We are north.  My family held me down and forced me to complete a registry for my kids' baby shower.  In the end I decided that it was a convenience to those who would hate to spend money on something I would not use.  I don't remember if they put the registry info in the invites or not ... ;)

[Erica in OR]

I think you have to give them credit for not stating that "Larger denominations are much appreciated."

 

Erica in OR