speaking of gifts

[school17777]

How is a donation made to somewhere a gift for the recipient?

 

I guess I'm selfish because I'd be disappointed to receive this.

 

I also don't like to give this either and that's all that stepmom asks for.  I'd rather give her the money to do as she wishes with it as part of giving gifts is the selecting something(s) that you'd think the recipient would like.  I shop all year long and try to find things that I have noticed that the person could use or mentions in passing that they'd like.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My sister and I do this for each other.  It is what both us want - to benefit people who really need it.  If you don't want this as a gift for yourself that is fine but I would have a problem if you told me that I couldn't request it for myself.  

[Chris in VA]

Dh DID request this type of gift-giving last Christmas. 

 

It was actually a lot of fun to research charities (y'all helped on that!) that use their funds responsibly. 

 

We ended up getting things from Gospel For Asia (of course, we know they pool the money, as does Heifer and other places, and the "gifts" are just representative of what is bought). I put pictures from the website in a bunch of envelopes for him to open. 

 

He is a minimalist, and found this giving significant. That is a gift, imo.

 

Personally, I would love a mix of that sort of thing and "stuff."

 

To each his own, I guess. 

[school17777]

My sister and I do this for each other.  It is what both us want - to benefit people who really need it.  If you don't want this as a gift for yourself that is fine but I would have a problem if you told me that I couldn't request it for myself.  

 

 

Just because someone requests it, does it mean that I'm now obligated to do "buy it"?  What if the person that requests donations for their gift wants donations made to places that don't align with my values?

 

What I don't understand is that if you (not really you, generic you) don't really want a gift, then why don't you just say to not give them a gift?  If it's a parent or step-parent and they know that money is tight, then why don't they say just to keep the money for your own family?

[school17777]

Dh DID request this type of gift-giving last Christmas. 

 

It was actually a lot of fun to research charities (y'all helped on that!) that use their funds responsibly. 

 

We ended up getting things from Gospel For Asia (of course, we know they pool the money, as does Heifer and other places, and the "gifts" are just representative of what is bought). I put pictures from the website in a bunch of envelopes for him to open. 

 

He is a minimalist, and found this giving significant. That is a gift, imo.

 

Personally, I would love a mix of that sort of thing and "stuff."

 

To each his own, I guess. 

 

 

He requested that though for his gift.  I'm talking about  two different things:  one - when someone does this for someone who doesn't request it (as suggested in some of the gift ideas threads going on right now) and two - when it's the only request that someone makes of others (even though the giver might have their own idea of something they think the recipient would like).

[Chris in VA]

Maybe they see that as rude--you know, you are asking what can I GIVE you, and someone says, don't give me anything. 

To our family, giving is a privilege and brings joy. Maybe for them, too--they don't want to deny you the privilege and joy of giving. (Obviously you like giving!)

 

Also, this sticks out from your post:

 

 I'd rather give her the money to do as she wishes with it as part of giving gifts is the selecting something(s) that you'd think the recipient would like. 

 

 

Part of giving is also giving what the person wants, not what you want to give. 

[school17777]

Maybe they see that as rude--you know, you are asking what can I GIVE you, and someone says, don't give me anything. 

To our family, giving is a privilege and brings joy. Maybe for them, too--they don't want to deny you the privilege and joy of giving. 

 

 

I think a donation is the most expensive gift because you can't get it on sale and it takes away the joy of picking out something special (which is what I like to do).

[Chris in VA]

I see that, but (gently) it seems you are making the gift all about you and what YOU want to give.

 

You could find a special charity--it really is fun!

[school17777]

I see that, but (gently) it seems you are making the gift all about you and what YOU want to give.

 

You could find a special charity--it really is fun!

 

 

Isn't a gift about what the giver wants to give?  What they think the recipient would enjoy?  I must not understand the point of gifts then.  If it's just about buying or donating money for someone else, then what's the point?  We can just go buy and donate what we want for ourselves without exchanging anything.

[Chris in VA]

Well, to me, a gift is about what will make the receiver happy.

 

And yes, I agree totally that it is difficult to give to a charity that you don't support but the gift recipient does--I won't compromise my values that way, but I WILL find one that we can both support. 

[school17777]

Well, to me, a gift is about what will make the receiver happy.  Totally agree!

 

And yes, I agree totally that it is difficult to give to a charity that you don't support but the gift recipient does--I won't compromise my values that way, but I WILL find one that we can both support.   I'd rather just give them cash and let them make their own donation, if they choose so with that money.

 

[school17777]

You could find a special charity--it really is fun!

 

 

We do give to charities, but don't ask others to on our behalf.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just because someone requests it, does it mean that I'm now obligated to do "buy it"?  What if the person that requests donations for their gift wants donations made to places that don't align with my values?

 

What I don't understand is that if you (not really you, generic you) don't really want a gift, then why don't you just say to not give them a gift?  If it's a parent or step-parent and they know that money is tight, then why don't they say just to keep the money for your own family?

Um. . . no you're not obligated to give a gift at all.  If that is your attitude I wouldn't want a gift from you.  If you can't see that a gift to a charity is something that gives me joy, then I don't want you to give me that sort of a gift because it would be given grudgingly and that doesn't give me joy at all.  I would assume that giving me a gift is what you want to do - not to satisfy your own love of shopping - but if that isn't the case, then please just give me a card and forget the gift.  That is my own opinion on gifts.

 

I've stopped giving gifts to certain people that only did it out of obligation and thankfully they have stopped giving to me.  Others, who give joyfully give me a variety of gifts - some to a charity like my sister does and some actual gifts.  I don't value one type of gift over another.  What I value is that they know what gives me joy and value that enough to give that to me.  

[school17777]

Um. . . no you're not obligated to give a gift at all.  If that is your attitude I wouldn't want a gift from you.  If you can't see that a gift to a charity is something that gives me joy, then I don't want you to give me that sort of a gift because it would be given grudgingly and that doesn't give me joy at all.  I would assume that giving me a gift is what you want to do - not to satisfy your own love of shopping - but if that isn't the case, then please just give me a card and forget the gift.  That is my own opinion on gifts.

 

I've stopped giving gifts to certain people that only did it out of obligation and thankfully they have stopped giving to me.  Others, who give joyfully give me a variety of gifts - some to a charity like my sister does and some actual gifts.  I don't value one type of gift over another.  What I value is that they know what gives me joy and value that enough to give that to me.  

 

 

I enjoy giving gifts.  I listen to people mention things throughout the year and if I find something that they mentioned or I saw that they would use a new one, I buy it through-out the year.  I do get upset when I'm told they don't want anything at all except for donations made in their name, especially when I already have their gift.  I can't imagine giving a gift list and telling people I don't want anything but what's on the list.

[Lisbeth]

I would not buy for a charity I didn't believe in, and those are MANY.

[zoobie]

Can you tell them money is tight this year and please let's skip the gift exchange and just enjoy the holidays together?

 

I get Grinchy feeling about gifts. I go to tons of effort to make calendars with kid pictures (requested/half demanded ;) ) and find good gifts, then I clean and cook and get everything ready for the holidays...and we get a check or a GC. Which I say thank you for, but honestly we don't need $50 and it just seems completely effortless. I gave up in 2011 when I was pregnant, throwing up constantly, etc. and gave my aunt an amazon GC. I even added a nice, artisan-made coffee mug and tea I thought she'd like. Apparently she was offended by the GC and has refused to come to anything at our house since, didn't come meet the baby, etc. We've gotten amazon GCs from her for five years! Checks every year before that since I was 12. Wth, lady? I gave my parents GCs too, and they seemed disappointed but at least weren't offended. Anyway, I hate obligatory gift exchanges!!!

 

I wouldn't give to a requested charity that was offensive to my values. I'd give them cash to donate themselves. Or give them whatever you want to give that you think they might enjoy!

[myfunnybunch]

Isn't a gift about what the giver wants to give?  What they think the recipient would enjoy?  I must not understand the point of gifts then.  

 

Well, I kind of think you don't understand, really. Giving should be about delighting the recipient, not yourself. Giving isn't about what you want. Giving isn't about what you think. If someone tells you they'd prefer a scarf, and you really want to give them mittens (that they may not want or need even if you think they'd enjoy them), which would you give? If someone tells you they'd prefer a donation given in their name, they're telling you what will bring them pleasure.

 

There are some people who would love to be able to donate more to charity because it gives them pleasure. Or they don't want any more stuff. Or they are tired of getting gifts that people think they will like, that sit around unused. Or they genuinely feel that the money spent on a luxury for them would be better used to provide another person with something that they need (food from the food bank, education supplies so that a child can go to school, funding for a companion program for the elderly).

 

A gift is a gift. You're certainly not obligated to get the recipient anything, much less what they ask for. But from the tone of your posts, you're having a very emotional reaction to this request. (Remember, this is the internet, so I may not be reading entirely accurately, just pointing out how they come across to me.) By all means, buy the recipient a thing and wrap it if that's what you feel strongly about.

 

BUT....Give the recipient some grace. The request wasn't really about you in the first place, it was that person asking for what would give them satisfaction during the gift-giving season.

 

Cat

[jewellsmommy]

Donating on behalf of someone who requests it can still be fun and can vary widely in the monetary amt. I requested that my mom do this for me last Christmas. I knew it would be hard for her because it goes against her nature.* The fact that she did it anyway was a wonderful gift to me. Worldvision has programs where you can buy chickens, mosquito nets, a well, medicine, bikes for girls etc...for families in developing nations. I told her any would be fine and so she got to shop for the option she thought I would like best. In the end she chose to buy a family chickens. I loved that!

 

Dh and I were discussing making a small donation on behalf of dd to Villalobos Rescue. Dd loves to watch Pit bulls and Parolees on Animal Planet, and we are thinking that she would love to know that money was given to the dogs in her name.

 

There may not be sales, but if you are spending $15 on a $25 item because its on sale or you're just donating $15...the cost to you is the same. And it is still fun to shop because there are tons of different charities and organizations...animals, education, missions, secular orgs. for developing countries, etc.

 

 

 

 

*ETA: I say it is against her nature because she wants to see her family open a box, KWIM? She is a great giver and helps run a schipperke rescue group, but she likes to give tangible items, like the op.

[Jenny in Florida]

How is a donation made to somewhere a gift for the recipient?

 

For those of us to whom this is meaningful, it is a gift because we want to help people/causes we care about more than we want more "stuff" for ourselves.

 

I have limited financial resources. I cannot afford to give as much to charities and causes as I would like to be able to provide. I also have more stuff than I need or want. I don't care about jewelry or fancier-than-I-already-have electronics. I rarely buy clothing. I don't have a desire to own 12 designer handbags. I like books, but I already have a library card. I like a sentimental gift as much as the next person, but one wall of my bedroom is literally lined with boxes full of trinkets and doo-dads that I can't stand to get rid of but haven't even managed to unpack since we moved into this house three years ago.

 

Seriously: What do I need? Why would I not appreciate someone who knows me well putting the money he or she would otherwise spend to buy me one more piece of "stuff" I don't want or need and won't use and giving it to an organization whose mission does mean something to me?

 

Honestly, one of the very best gifts I ever received was a note from a friend. She knew how much I enjoyed donating to the angel tree run by a church I used to attend. So, the holiday season after we moved away from that city, she took a tag and participated in the gift drive for the first time. She then wrote me a note letting me know what she had done. I opened and read it and started to cry.

 

At that moment, my husband said he realized he would never be able to top that "gift."

 

It's not for everyone, I know. But I believe a gift should be about what makes the recipient happy, not what the giver will enjoy giving. If someone on your list says this is what he or she wants, I strongly encourage you to believe her and honor the request.

[jewellsmommy]

How is a donation made to somewhere a gift for the recipient?

 

I guess I'm selfish because I'd be disappointed to receive this.

 

I also don't like to give this either and that's all that stepmom asks for.  I'd rather give her the money to do as she wishes with it as part of giving gifts is the selecting something(s) that you'd think the recipient would like.  I shop all year long and try to find things that I have noticed that the person could use or mentions in passing that they'd like.

 

I addressed this in my post but just wanted to make sure that I was clear that this still very much applies. You still have to know what your stepmom likes or is drawn to, what's important to her. Perhaps she would give you the opportunity to shop an organization for her? You could get really creative. It really can be fun.

[Pod's mum]

I'm another who both appreciates, gives and appreciates this type of gift.

I'm from a large family and the cost of gifts, both recieved and given has become large.

Big gifts of 'stuff' we really don't need.

We like to give a small, preferably home-made something and a donation card, relevant to the receiver.

One year my brother gave us all a card saying that instead of giving gifts that year, his family were funding a neccessary operation for a young nephew in another country. He let us become part of their generosity.

 

As others have so eloquently said, I find receiving expensive, unwanted gifts burdensome. I know they are given with love, but then there is the guilt involved with, "Have you used it yet?", "Where is it?", etc with an expensive, carefully chosen item I really don't want in the first place.

 

 

 

[Pod's mum]

Hey I just had a thought, going back to the first Christmas gifts.

Mary didn't really get gifts she would have chosen. Instead of swaddling cloths etc, she was given expensive oils etc for burial rituals.

[SKL]

If someone requested it, I would probably do it, unless I had philosophical problems with that particular organization.  Apparently it is what makes her happy.  I'm not sure why it matters that you personally would not want that.  I wouldn't want to receive chocolate, but I don't have a problem giving chocolate to someone who likes it.

 

There might be a reason it is better for the money to come from a bunch of different people.  For example, I am a cofounder of a 501©(3) and I can only give so much % of the donations before I disqualify the 501©(3) status.

[Catwoman]

While I agree with the other posts about how gift-giving should be focused on making the recipient happy, it sounds sort of like school17777's stepmom was a bit out of line if she came right out and told her exactly what she wanted for Christmas, without having been asked.

 

It's rude to demand a particular gift if no one has asked you for suggestions.

[Camelfeet]

I recently did this for my DH's boss's birthday.  I bought him a goat couple.  The man is wealthy and I couldn't think of anything he'd actually want/need that he doesn't already have.  He has mentioned many times (too many maybe) that he likes charitable giving so I thought it would be appropriate.  He liked it a lot, went on to talk about how he has sponsored a child in the same region.  We got to make goat jokes all evening.  

I think I would also appreciate a gift like this.

 

Maybe step mom doesn't want another knickknack or scarf.  

[gardenmom5]

if she specifically asks for a donation to that organization instead of a gift, that is different.  I would still give her the money so she could make a donation as I certainly wouldn't want to be on anyone else's mailing list.

 

and a gift is a gift. no strings, not demands, etc.  it is (thought some people seem oblivious to the fact)strictly voluntary.

[DawnM]

If the person WANTS it, it is a gift.  If it is the givers choice, it is not a gift.

 

My FIL passed away many years ago.  There is a scholarship in his name given each year.  Each year we contribute $100 towards it as a Christmas gift for my in-laws.  It is well received.

 

Dawn

[Cindy in FL.]

The kids and I donated to a charity for dh last year for his birthday. He had not requested it, but I find him difficult to buy for. He loved the gift and I am sure that it made a difference to the families that received the livestock.

[happypamama]

I think this can be a nice gift to the person in honor of whom it's given, but I think it depends on the circumstances. If someone has a particular pet charity, I can see why donating to it could be a gift to the person -- maybe your sister Susie really doesn't need anything, and you don't have any great ideas for her (some of us are not blessed with a ton of creativity in that area!), but you know Susie really supports XYZ charity, and by giving money to that charity, you're giving Susie the gift of knowing that you know her interests and you're helping her at the same time.

 

My elderly grandparents did that one year. They have plenty of stuff and are hard to buy for. So one year, they sent an email to everyone in the family, asking that nobody buy them anything, but could we instead each make a donation to the charity of our choice and let them know what we chose? They said that knowing what we chose to donate to would be a gift to them, knowing all the people who were helped. (We had just moved to this area, which is rich in amazing local produce/meat/dairy, and we chose to donate to a local food bank that provides the local farmers' bounty to families in need. I felt that would also be particularly meaningful to my grandparents, who grew up poor and sometimes hungry during the Depression.)

[plansrme]

I definitely can see both sides of this debate--the OP puts a lot of thought into her gifts (go, OP!), and the MIL does not appreciate that (boo).  Totally get the struggle between those viewpoints.  Writing a check to a big ol' impersonal charity seems just like giving money, which is anathema to a dedicated giver like the OP. 

 

So how about a compromise, OP:  how about finding a small, local, personal need that you can fulfill on your MIL's behalf, and then tell her about it?  For example, we had an adult friend who was murdered.  She had been a dancer in her youth, so we called our ballet teacher and asked who needed tuition or recital fees or whatever, and she actually had a young student whose mom was in tears over not being able to pay for ballet.  So in our friend's honor, we paid the girl's recital fees and tuition for the remainder of the year.  We wrote about that in a note to our friend's parents.  We did not meet the recipient, but our friend the ballet teacher did, and told them why we were doing what we did, and she reported back to us.  It was fun for us and meaningful to our friend's parents.

 

Another year, my mom called asking for a donation to a senior center she worked with.  We sent them a generous check, and she told told me how excited the director was to get it--she bought a Christmas tree and Christmas dinner for her clients.  That was also more personal than giving to Heifer International (not that they're not a fine organization), so it was really fun for us.

 

If your MIL likes to read, how about buying a supply of books for a local teacher to give to students for Christmas?  That also would require shopping throughout the year.  Does she knit?  Would a knitting-for-charity group like donated yarn?  All that is to say that there is probably a way to make both of you happy.

 

We also give to big, nameless, faceless organizations, but it is fun to find a more personal way to donate once in a while.

 

ETA:  Oops, stepmom not MIL.  Sorry!

[QueenCat]

I think it's fine to give a donation to a charity on behalf of someone, as a gift. HOWEVER, the donation needs to be given to a charity that the person who is "receiving" it (honored, in their name, on their behalf, etc) cares about rather than something the person actually paying for it cares about.

[emzhengjiu]

I have mixed feelings about donations as gifts.  If someone requests a donation instead of a present, I'm fine with it, but I don't like to be on the receiving end.  A couple of years ago a family member made donations to a charity as Christmas presents.  When I opened my "gift," I didn't have any idea what the charity did or anything about it.  If a person wants to made a donation that's great, but don't call it my Christmas present especially since it had nothing to do with me.

[J-rap]

I believe a gift is about what the receiver would enjoy.  A charitable gift is the only gift my husband has ever asked for.  At first, our kids were a little disappointed!  But they've learned to treasure this time to find some special charity to donate to in my husband's name, and it truly makes my husband far happier than receiving a material gift for himself.  That's just the way he is.  I think it's been a neat example for my kids too.

 

My kids give ME material gifts though, because that's what I enjoy.  :)

[Tammyla]

If you really don't want to do this for whatever reason, just don't.  I would not give to an organization I didn't believe in or trust; nor would I argue with a family member over what I was giving.   That for me, would mean giving what I could afford and felt comfortable giving. 

 

Small warning, some less reputable organizations will take your information and market you for a donation. 

[school17777]

What made me start this thread was that it in other threads about giving gifts to teachers, some posters said they made donations to charities on behalf of the teacher.  It didn't sound like the teachers made this request.  I just wonder if they are sort of disappointed and would rather have received a gift cert instead.

[skimomma]

What made me start this thread was that it in other threads about giving gifts to teachers, some posters said they made donations to charities on behalf of the teacher.  It didn't sound like the teachers made this request.  I just wonder if they are sort of disappointed and would rather have received a gift cert instead.

 

That is a risk when giving any gift.  I doubt teachers are sending out wish lists.  So anything you get them might not be something they want, right?

 

I am guessing teachers are probably the most appreciative of non-tangible gifts.  How many mugs, stationary packets, and cookie-mixes-in-a-jar can a person use?   I have asked my own teacher friends this question in the past and they would actually be happiest with no gifts at all.  But if they cannot stop the annual flow of knickknacks and junk food, charitable giving and gift cards they can use to purchase classroom supplies (which is really charity also) are preferred.

 

I ask for donations to my supported cause as gifts every year.  That is really what I want.  I have a small minimalist house, have all of my needs met, and wish I could give more to causes I support.  And I give it as a gift if I know the recipient would welcome it.  Even if I do not know for sure what specific causes they support, there are gift cards out there where the recipient chooses the charity the money goes to.  There are very few adults in my life that want physical gifts anymore.  Most people are dealing with clutter and too much stuff.  Consumables and charitable giving are welcome for most of the people on my annual list.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What made me start this thread was that it in other threads about giving gifts to teachers, some posters said they made donations to charities on behalf of the teacher.  It didn't sound like the teachers made this request.  I just wonder if they are sort of disappointed and would rather have received a gift cert instead.

What?  Now it isn't about your stepmother at all?  And it isn't about your love of shopping for that special thing?  And it is about teachers who don't ask for or even expect gifts?  But are supposed to be disappointed because someone thought of them and the needy?  

[skimomma]

Something funny about this topic.....

 

I have not run into anyone IRL that finds charity gifts to be awful....whether to give or receive.  But every year, it comes up in message boards and there are always a handful of people are are really opposed and VERY vocal about it.  It seems to be a very hot button for some people.  I have seen it described at being a Love Languages issue or people reluctant to let go of the childhood thrill of opening that much-wanted toy.  The think is, I really do not know of any adults IRL life that wants more stuff.  It seems that charitable gifts are a great way to continue the gift-giving tradition and honoring the spirit of giving and kindness without adding more stuff to people's overstuffed houses or feeding the consumer machine.  I get that some people do not like them.  And I get that they can be given for the wrong reasons (just like tangible gifts).  But for many people, it is the perfect solution to a common holiday dilemma.

[Catwoman]

If the person WANTS it, it is a gift.  If it is the givers choice, it is not a gift.

 

My FIL passed away many years ago.  There is a scholarship in his name given each year.  Each year we contribute $100 towards it as a Christmas gift for my in-laws.  It is well received.

 

Dawn

I think that's an excellent thing to do -- and it's very cool that your FIL's name is living on through a scholarship program. :hurray:

[Catwoman]

What made me start this thread was that it in other threads about giving gifts to teachers, some posters said they made donations to charities on behalf of the teacher. It didn't sound like the teachers made this request. I just wonder if they are sort of disappointed and would rather have received a gift cert instead.

I thought this thread was only about your stepmom, but it does tie in quite well with the other thread.

 

I think it's a different situation, though, when someone makes a donation to their own favorite charity in someone else's name, than in your situation where your stepmom has specifically requested a particular donation.

[edelweiss]

I kind of see where you are coming from.  I would be disappointed too if someone requested a donation in lieu of a gift.  Honestly, I would probably just suggest that we not exchange gifts in that case.  Or, if that wasn't possible/appropriate to suggest, I would just give cash for the person to do whatever he/she wanted to do with it.  

[Gentlemommy]

Last year for my birthday, all I asked for was that our family volunteer together to serve a thanksgiving meal together for the homeless in our city. It was really, truly, one of the best gifts I've ever been given. This year, my kids and I made up five boxes for Operation Christmas Child together, and will make five more tomorrow. We will have spent. $150 making them. I can not think of something I would want for that amount of money. Knowing that someone will receive a small gift because we contributed is a much better gift than clothes or nick knacks or whatever. Those things bring me joy. Connecting with people while serving them, seeing my children get excited over choosing just the right gifts to fill their boxes, that brings me joy. I simply don't care enough about material things, and am blessed to have what I need. I certainly do not want more clutter in my home.

One year, we fell on serious financial troubles, and for Christmas that year, we told everyone e weren't able to give much. My mom, dad (they are divorced) and aunt gave us GC to the grocery store. I cried opening those cards. It meant that, for a bit, I would be able to stop worrying. It meant so much more than a candle, pajamas, or picture frame. I had those things, and didn't need them.

It's the same with the kids gifts. My mom has bought us science center passes, has paid tuition for gymnastics and riding lessons, ect. Those things are so much more meaningful to me. She truly knows that us spending time together and the kids activities are what we LOVE. My in laws, on the other hand, never ask. They buy the kids toys that are either cheaply made, (so they don't work as. Intended or break quickly) or toys that they aren't really into. My kids very rarely play with toys. I've mentioned that several times to them. They insist on buying a *thing* because they like that wow factor of opening the gift. Unfortunately, because of clutter and the kids lack of interest, their gifts rarely stay in our home for long. They are usually donated ( if they aren't broken) or tossed. I know my mother in law notices because she will often drill the kids on where such and such toy is, but I do not like hoarding things that don't fit into our family values or space. I truly wish they would take whatever tiny amount of money they want and donate it, or pay for part of a class, or an experience. It would be a much better way to use their money. As it is, they are basically throwing their money away.

A gift is just that. It is a gift, freely given. It's not about what the giver wants to give, it is about what the giver thinks will make the other person feel happy, blessed, ect.