Am I Being too Rigid/Selfish re Visitors and Disruptions?

[Paige]

I do not allow disruptions that are within my control during school days. This means no visitors, no errands, no visiting, not many field trips, no talking on the phone. I feel that I am already struggling to fit everything in the day/week/year. Some of the kids are a little behind or struggle and need a lot of one on one time and do not deal well with missing days and aren't so good at transitioning from play or down time to work time. I have 4- 1st grade, 2 in 4th, and 1 who is doing a split 6th/7th grade.

 

The kids have some special needs which mean that we are at the doctor or some kind of medical appointment during school hours at least once a week, but often 2-3 times a week. Those appointments are very disruptive and it makes the days with no appointments more precious. We are busy at least 4 nights a week with sports/arts classes and so our evenings are just as busy. We live out of the city limits so travel times eat into our day making trips that would be 30min in a suburb into more like a 1.5hr trip. DH is military, so we take all gvmt holidays off to be with him and we are generous about time off for vacations, holidays, and weekends.

 

The grandparents (both sides) are getting angry with me for not allowing impromptu visits and for not being more flexible. They live at least 2hrs away, so meeting halfway for lunch, for instance, would pretty much ruin my school day. They think I should allow them to "pop in" unannounced. Nobody drives that far for a 10min chat. They think I should allow them (the relatives) to spend the night at our house on a school night. I really don't like to do this because it completely disrupts the next day's school. I do allow it occasionally, but more than once every 6-8 weeks is too much, IMO. They get angry and snippy when they call during the day and I just want to get off. I think I'm polite- I do answer- but I only want to talk long enough to answer whatever question they want- get to the point and get off. If I'm talking on the phone, I can't teach. If the kids are talking, they aren't working.

 

They feel that since I homeschool, I should be flexible enough to just take off whenever. They know other people who do that. I think it's different since I am already forced to take off more than I want every week. My DS is in 6/7th grade, and I feel I need to be stricter and more serious about stuff since he's in middle school. We moved here 3yrs ago and prior to that we lived much too far away from family for casual visits. I think I am not adapting well to all this family drama and expectations. Or they aren't adapting well...

 

Example-My mother told me I was "full of it" when I told her that I did not have time to drive an hour to meet her for lunch with the kids this week. She then said she'd just drive all the way to the house and I'd have to deal with it. I told her that I did not want her to come during the school day and we could arrange something on the weekend. She asked if that meant that my mother was not welcome here at any time. I said, yes. She's welcome sometimes, but not all the time and whenever. I might not even be here if she stops by because, as I told her, we are busy! This is a recurrent problem with both sets of grandparents and I am cranky about it.

 

I feel like I should be treated as if I have a full time job and that my scheduled school time should be treated like my brother's time at work. Don't ask me to take off and don't call to chat. This is not a JAWM. I am willing to consider that I am too uptight and that I'm being mean and controlling. What does the hive think? I think I'd feel differently if we weren't already losing out on half or full days of work so many days each month, but with our doctors' appointments, I frequently can't get 2 days in a row without interruptions as it is.

[Kathryn]

You'll get no argument from me!

[CardinalAlt]

I don't think you sound unreasonable. Other than this issue, what are the relationships like? If they are basically good, reasonable people, could you try to come up with a plan that works for all sides? Would they like to come for a family dinner once a month, then help take kids to activities while you get a break? Spend the night if they know what time school starts in the morning and will leave before then? Would it help if you initiated a little more, inviting them to specific things or just calling to chat at a good time for you? If they are just hard to be in relationship with, of course, that's probably somewhat moot...

[Melissa B]

Hmm... I think your desires should be respected by the family - whatever they may be.  It is not unreasonable of you to expect them to listen to and respect your decisions.  That said, for us family trumps school work.  I would be more flexible.  If one child needs to see the doctor, the others could be visiting with grandparents (or doing schoolwork with grandparents) not sitting in a doctor's office waiting room.  If I had generous time off for vacations, holidays and weekends, I would use some of that time to do school work and devote more time to meeting with the grandparents. But that is just us. YMMV. :)

[FloridaLisa]

I fall somewhere in the middle.  I completely and totally understand that interruptions put a serious hurt on efficient schooling!  And I agree for the most part to weed out those things that would intrude as much as possible -- phone calls, internet (I'm on lunch break?!), appointments that can wait until after school hours.  But, I think time with grandparents is valuable. You are very, very fortunate to have loving grandparents that want to be part of your children's lives.  I KNOW it's hard, but really, time spent with grandparents will be cherished by your children when they are older.  

 

And, for me, as much as I have an obligation to school my dc, I also need to invest in time with my parents. I'm also very aware that the way I treat my parents is sending a loud message to my children and laying a pattern that may well be repeated when they are grown with children of their own. 

 

Given that there are competing interests, then, I would try to carve out and allow time in your schedule with grandparents.  Weekend time, evening dinners, Sunday afternoon lunches, a shared sporting event, field trips on Dad's day off, an afternoon every few weeks with grandparents.  I know life can fill up and that you feel very pulled.  But I think your mom saying you are *full of it* could mean that she is hurt or feeling rejected.  I wouldn't want that in my relationship with my parents.  So, I would set boundaries for sure but I would also incorporate time with grandparents. 

 

This doesn't look like a super-control, overreaching by grandparents issue.  It reads more like the common, very-scheduled family that feels pulled issue.  

 

Blessings for your day,

Lisa

 

Just editing to add:  perhaps you could talk to your mom/in-laws about really helping instead of just visiting/interrupting.  Maybe they could supervise at home while you're out at a doctor's appointment.  Or maybe they could take the kids out one-on-one for a lunch or special treat and give you time at home with the others.  I think there may be a way (ways) to let them be part of your world instead of isolating them to weekends only.  At the same time, I think blocking off school hours from chats or blocking off whole days or a week is fine. 

 

Hoping you can be honest and work out a good solution for you and the grandparents. :)

[twinmami01]

I do believe some people just don't get it. I don't think you sound unreasonable. I'm sorry- sending hugs your way.

[MysteryJen]

Well, I understand your point. But the grandparents probably love that you are closer and they do want to spend time with you. That is great, but...

It is hard to value people who do not value you. My mother, even after 16 years of living here and 12 years of homeschooling, still does not understand that we are not free in the middle of the day. She was a ps teacher even.  It has been extremely frustrating to say the least.

 

When my kids were younger, we did a set day. Like every Thursday afternoon, or later every other Tuesday afternoon. That settled some of the complaints. Maybe if you make a suggestion that will work for you, they will agree.

 

My MIL always respected my time and efforts. She would schedule things well in advance and often bring dinner on Sunday nights to hang out with us for a couple of hours.  I have a better relationship with her than my own mother.

 

Clearly, I have no suggestions. :lol:  But I totally sympathize.

[AmyontheFarm]

Both grandparents should respect what you have said.  That being said, can you get them to work with you?  For ex: my mom could take my dd to her orthodontist appointment when they were just changing elastics.

 

Does grandpa have a passion for History that he would be willing to teach a history lesson for you?  That sort of thing.  You have parents who are interested in spending time with your kids, find creative ways to LET them be in your kids lives while they are still here.  When you have a field trip, for example we have a play to go see in a few weeks.  I most likely won't go.  But I will allow my Mom and Dad to take the kids.  The kids get to see their friends perform, and get to see the play after reading the book.  Grandma gets to spoil them with lunch and Grandpa will talk to the kids about the book vs. the play and compare the two things.

 

Me, I'm planning on getting the house quickly tidied up but also give myself time for a bubble bath with no kids knocking at the bathroom door.

[JudoMom]

I fall somewhere in the middle.  I completely and totally understand that interruptions put a serious hurt on efficient schooling!  And I agree for the most part to weed out those things that would intrude as much as possible -- phone calls, internet (I'm on lunch break?!), appointments that can wait until after school hours.  But, I think time with grandparents is valuable. You are very, very fortunate to have loving grandparents that want to be part of your children's lives.  I KNOW it's hard, but really, time spent with grandparents will be cherished by your children when they are older.  

 

And, for me, as much as I have an obligation to school my dc, I also need to invest in time with my parents. I'm also very aware that the way I treat my parents is sending a loud message to my children and laying a pattern that may well be repeated when they are grown with children of their own. 

 

Given that there are competing interests, then, I would try to carve out and allow time in your schedule with grandparents.  Weekend time, evening dinners, Sunday afternoon lunches, a shared sporting event, field trips on Dad's day off, an afternoon every few weeks with grandparents.  I know life can fill up and that you feel very pulled.  But I think your mom saying you are *full of it* could mean that she is hurt or feeling rejected.  I wouldn't want that in my relationship with my parents.  So, I would set boundaries for sure but I would also incorporate time with grandparents. 

 

This doesn't look like a super-control, overreaching by grandparents issue.  It reads more like the common, very-scheduled family that feels pulled issue.  

 

Blessings for your day,

Lisa

 

:iagree:

 

I get the feeling pulled in too many directions with activities, appointments, etc.  I really, really, really do.  I understand setting boundaries.  I really, really, really do.  

 

But....I agree about investing in your parents/parents-in-law.  Maybe an afternoon lunch once a month.  It might not check off academic boxes, but it does count and will teach your children some important things that you won't find in your curriculum.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[NotAVampireLvr]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all... I only have half the "school-load" that you do presently - same activity schedule and doctor's appointments minus the drive time you struggle with.  My time at home is precious - I totally get it.

 

I initiate a lot of planning on our end so that family doesn't feel like I'm constantly saying "no" all the time.  This year I went from having a lot of flexibility to not much at all just because I now have 3 doing school instead of just the one.  I think it is possible to have relationships with grandparents minus the "spur of the moment stuff". If your kids were in a b&m school you'd have even less time so they need to get past this.  

[Peaceful Isle]

Wow, I totally understand and have been there before. One bit of advise i could give you, would be to be consistant. If you give in once, they will expecting it gain. Make a line, and dont cross it. They may be upset for a while, but a least you wont have that knot in your stomach dredding their visit the next afternoon,or whatever, ya know?

Maybe you could have sleepovers on Friday nights, maybe once a month per set of grandparents. My mother always expected me to come see her, and hour away, always during the day, never in the late afternoon, and never when my father was home. He doesnt like me. Anyways, i finally stood up for myself a few years ago, in many areas of our relationship, after 30 some years of being manipulated. She became hateful. I just wish i had done it ealier and saved myself some grief.

Try to be kind but firm. You have precious time with your kiddos, that wont last forever. Soon they will be all grown up. Try to enjoy this time. You wont regret it.

Hugs to you from someone who has btdt.

[GoVanGogh]

I think we must have the same mother, so that colors my opinion. But the fact that you told her no and she told you to deal with it makes it sound more of a narcissistic mother situation which means there is no pleasing her, no matter what you do. My mother recently came up with a crazy, crazy plan for me getting my SN child to a non-mandatory family event that would have upset our schedule for an entire week. No way was I willing to do that. Between the homeschooling, therapy and dr appointments, I don't just change my schedule without much consideration.

[OneStepAtATime]

That is a very frustrating situation to be in and it is hard when each side feels that the other is not understanding their point of view. I love my in-laws and my parents are (and were) great people, but when we moved nearby with our daughter, and I was working full-time from home, we had people popping by all the time.  I had a terrible time getting anything done and got so frustrated and angry.  I then realized that part of the issue was that it seemed they were not respecting me, my job and the work I was putting in and the desperate need for them to acknowledge that in our home my husband and I needed some boundaries on when they could drop by and that we had the right to expect them to honor those boundaries.  I was able to finally talk to both sets of parents and was loving and supportive of their need to visit but also gave them specifics on when it was NOT o.k. to drop in or call and why, but I also tried harder to be a little more flexible on the times they could just come by.   It helped but...

 

My father-in-law had a stroke that has left him with virtually no memories and poor coordination.  All the wonderful stories of his childhood are gone and his amazing story telling abilities are gone, too.  I wish I had made more time for the kids to hear those stories before the stroke.  Not long after my father-in-law's stroke, my own dad passed away from pancreatic cancer.  The last months of his life were spent traveling hours back and forth to doctors in another city.  Again, I wish we could get that time back.  My son loves history and so did my dad.  If only they had had more time to explore that mutual love together.

 

Your extended family needs to respect your job as teacher and mother so maybe actually sitting down and talking about a better way to handle things, and giving the grandparents specific roles to play in the learning process for your kids will help.  Hopefully the personalities involved will be open to that type of discussion.  Just don't put academics and maintaining a schedule so far in front of family time that you have regrets later...

 

Lots of hugs and best wishes...

[mathnerd]

You are not being unreasonable. I think that schooling is very important and family should respect that - for e.g. If your child were in a B&M school, would your MIL go there and ask for your child to join her for lunch? Show them that you are very serious about schedules. If you let them in your house on a school day and then keep on schooling despite their interruptions, they might get the chance to see that there is really no downtime for the kids to hang out with them. Another strategy is to pick up their phone calls only in the evenings - let them know to leave you voicemails and that you will call them back.

If they still complain, consider making them work for you! For e.g. tell them that you will be running off to the doctor appointment with child #2 in the afternoon, so could they come over and supervise the math or literature work for child #1, #3 and #4 and give them their snack while you are out and supervise the bathtime for the little ones? Or, could they please take child #3 to soccer while you catch up child #1, #2 and #4 on spelling and history? Or could they do a craft or art project with all the kids while you get your weekly grocery shopping done?

I think that you should not feel guilty for wanting to educate your children. And they should not make you feel that way.

[Wilma]

I think that the folks who have suggested harnessing grandparent help are onto something. "hi, Paige! I want to come over tomorrow afternoon - will that work for you?" "Sure, Mom, you know we love to see you! It IS a busy afternoon, but geez, they all are! Kid2 has a doctor appointment at 3:30, I wonder if you'd rather run him into town for me, or hear Kid3's reading and make sure everyone has their math done?"

[Peaceful Isle]

Using the grandparents is a great idea. It might work, ....but it might backfire in some cases ( like mine)

 

I used to ask my mom to help out taking the kids to events, appointments, etc...

She took it as i didnt want to spend time with her, and all she was good for was to "run errands" or be used which i never ment. I tried to include her, even in our busy schedule, but it wasnt good enough. I even gave up one day a week for a grammy day.

Anyways, hopefully, it will work for you, better than it did for me. Hugs.

[Harriet Vane]

Stand your ground.

 

Your expectations are reasonable. They can come for dinner, not lunch, or on weekends.

 

Sheesh.

[HS Mom in NC]

I do not allow disruptions that are within my control during school days. This means no visitors, no errands, no visiting, not many field trips, no talking on the phone. I feel that I am already struggling to fit everything in the day/week/year. Some of the kids are a little behind or struggle and need a lot of one on one time and do not deal well with missing days and aren't so good at transitioning from play or down time to work time. I have 4- 1st grade, 2 in 4th, and 1 who is doing a split 6th/7th grade.

 

Me too and I only have one I'm schooling right now.

 

The kids have some special needs which mean that we are at the doctor or some kind of medical appointment during school hours at least once a week, but often 2-3 times a week. Those appointments are very disruptive and it makes the days with no appointments more precious.

 

Yep.  Is it possible for you to schedule WAAAAY ahead to get after school appointments or would that run into activities?

 

 

We are busy at least 4 nights a week with sports/arts classes and so our evenings are just as busy. We live out of the city limits so travel times eat into our day making trips that would be 30min in a suburb into more like a 1.5hr trip. DH is military, so we take all gvmt holidays off to be with him and we are generous about time off for vacations, holidays, and weekends.

 

This is why, as a veteran, I suggest people moving to the country consider it very carefully.  If you want to homeschool and drive to lots of activities, it may make more sense to live in the suburbs or the city.  If you just don't want to do lots of extras, then it makes sense to live farther away.  I think it's a topic neglected in homeschooling circles among newbies.

 

The grandparents (both sides) are getting angry with me for not allowing impromptu visits and for not being more flexible.

They live at least 2hrs away, so meeting halfway for lunch, for instance, would pretty much ruin my school day.

 

Would they expect to meet your children for lunch if your children attended an institutional school?  I doubt it.  Your children do attend a school at your house during regular school hours.  Until they can magically create a day for you with more hours in it, they'll have to do what every grandparent on the planet does-schedule visits around school, work and activities.

 

I have 3 sets of grandparents here.  Mom and step-dad live 15 minutes away.  In-laws live 7 minutes away.  My dad lives 1 hour away.  None of them EVER pop by unexpectedly.  That's true of all their other grandkids who go to public and private schools too.

 

They think I should allow them to "pop in" unannounced. Nobody drives that far for a 10min chat. They think I should allow them (the relatives) to spend the night at our house on a school night

 

This is not within the cultural norm here.  NO ONE pops in without arranging a visit in advance-not friends, not families, not church members. I have lots of relatives.  We never ever ever ever spend the night at their houses no matter how far we travel.  We never ever ever ever stay with friends when traveling. If we travel, we get our own hotel room or B&B.  If we can't afford it, we don't travel.

 

. I really don't like to do this because it completely disrupts the next day's school. I do allow it occasionally, but more than once every 6-8 weeks is too much, IMO. They get angry and snippy when they call during the day and I just want to get off.

 

I don't answer my phone during school hours and all my relatives know it. I have caller ID on my phone.  They know to leave a message telling me if it's urgent I get back with them (I've helped care for aging relatives) or if it can wait-that's common courtesy.  If it's urgent (and it has been sometimes) they know I'll check messages as it's convenient several times a day and get back to them ASAP if they've left an urgent message.

 

I think I'm polite- I do answer- but I only want to talk long enough to answer whatever question they want- get to the point and get off. If I'm talking on the phone, I can't teach. If the kids are talking, they aren't working.

 

We live in a day in age where there's no reason to answer the phone if you're busy.  We all have voicemail and they can leave a message stating if it's urgent or not.  Send the clear message that you're too busy to talk AND too busy to answer the phone.

 

They feel that since I homeschool, I should be flexible enough to just take off whenever.

 

This is the biggest homeschooling myth out there.  Actively correct people any time it's stated or suggested. Homeschooling means SCHOOLING children.  That takes time. It may be more efficient than institutional schooling, but it's not magical.  Being at your house doesn't make memorizing math facts instantaneous.  Faeries don't come wave magic wants granting knowledge, character and wisdom to homeschooled children.  Tell them so.

 

They know other people who do that. I think it's different since I am already forced to take off more than I want every week.

 

Of course.  You have more demands on your time than most people do, so your time should be even more respected than the average homeschooler's time, which should be deeply respected like any school teacher's time.  Welcome to reality, Gramma and Grampa!

 

My DS is in 6/7th grade, and I feel I need to be stricter and more serious about stuff since he's in middle school. We moved here 3yrs ago and prior to that we lived much too far away from family for casual visits. I think I am not adapting well to all this family drama and expectations. Or they aren't adapting well...

 

You still live too far away for casual family visits.  I'm 7-15 minutes too far away for casual family visits. It's time Gramma and Grampa got a calendar or planner and start working out something that works for all of you, not just them.

 

Example-My mother told me I was "full of it" when I told her that I did not have time to drive an hour to meet her for lunch with the kids this week. She then said she'd just drive all the way to the house and I'd have to deal with it.

 

This is dysfunctional behavior on her part.  If you can't set this boundary and enforce it yourself then you need to seek out professional counseling to help you with doing that.

 

 

I told her that I did not want her to come during the school day and we could arrange something on the weekend. She asked if that meant that my mother was not welcome here at any time.

 

Again, this is nonsensical, immature, drama queen dysfunctional behavior.  Don't ever indulge it.

 

 

I said, yes. She's welcome sometimes, but not all the time and whenever. I might not even be here if she stops by because, as I told her, we are busy! This is a recurrent problem with both sets of grandparents and I am cranky about it.

 

Let them know when you are available.  They can take it or leave it.  If they choose to leave it, that's their choice.  If they take it, then they can enjoy a visit. 

 

I feel like I should be treated as if I have a full time job and that my scheduled school time should be treated like my brother's time at work.

 

Of course you should.

 

Don't ask me to take off and don't call to chat. This is not a JAWM. I am willing to consider that I am too uptight and that I'm being mean and controlling. What does the hive think?

 

I think that you have been immersed in a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family so that your sense of normal has been distorted.  Everything they're saying and doing is extremely unreasonable and crazy.

 

I think I'd feel differently if we weren't already losing out on half or full days of work so many days each month, but with our doctors' appointments, I frequently can't get 2 days in a row without interruptions as it is.

 

Even if you weren't losing those times they should still be respectful of your time and your boundaries.  They should expect to be scheduled.  Professional counseling helping you to establish and enforce those might be a very good idea for you and your spouse.

 

[Ripley]

I come from a family culture of drop-ins.  And to be fair, my parents do "drop-in" to the schools my nephews attend - they're welcome to do reading in the younger years, lunch in the middle years, and to pep rallies in the upper years.  So it's not totally unreasonable for them to desire to drop-in to my little homeschool either.  But I'm not you and my family isn't yours - right?

 

My children have extracurriculars every night of the week - some nights, these activities are even doubled up.  We like to keep busy.  But as wonderful as these activities are, and as great the opportunities they provide, they can't edge out time with extended family IMO.  I wouldn't prioritize them over grandparents.  Your medical appts aren't negotiable, those stay. Grandparents have a reasonable expectation and desire to spend time with grandkids, so that time is either within the school day or in the evenings.  You have a reasonable expectation to educate and raise your children as you see fit, which means dedicated school hours.

 

I think there's a middle ground where you relax some but they step up some (in recognizing your school day).  I'd put it that plainly to them and see what compromises they were willing accept - whether it's a weekly grandparent class, running kids to some appts, watching kids while YOU run to appts, or doing a teacher inservice type day once a month (no school, or limited school w/grandparent attending and visiting).  Let them know you're wanting to work it out, but that homeschool is your priority and any suggestions they have need to be with respect to your school schedule.

 

I was a military wife for years, and protective of any days off my husband had. It's why we started homeschooling! So the grandparents' time had to be fit into our school time. I figure they can learn a lot from those old folks (LOL), not all academic and some good, some bad but skills and character nonetheless.  I grew up living with a grandparent, so I'm biased towards nurturing that relationship.  Find time in your day to do that, if you're able.

 

 

[lllll]

..

[MomatHWTK]

When my firstborn came into the world their closest grandpa was already sick, he didn't survive to see the last of our four children.  So I have always made time for that set of grandparents.  I will admit to being biased and not doing the same for the other sets in terms of travel to them, but I don't tell them they can't come visit.  For us, homeschooling is in part about allowing time for multi-generational interaction.  There is a lot of learning that can take place outside of academics and that time is short.  The books will always be there. 

 

However, I will also admit that we are much looser in general about our school time.  I also deal with SN issues and so we aren't taking a traditional full classical approach by any means.  It also helps that grandma's house is actually four acres of what would be the equivalent of a private wildlife reserve.  She even has the pond and the creek that are so valuable to nature studies.  We school year round and choose from 6 days a week to do school work in order to allow for the extra free time to explore and visit. 

[Mom0012]

If you are open to weekend visits, and it sounds like you are, then I don't get why the grandparents are having a problem. Why do they need to visit during the week instead of the weekend?

 

I've gone through a little of this myself. There have been times when my parents have wondered why we can't visit on weekdays anymore. (We did a lot of that when the kids were really young and our school days were short.) My sister has wanted me to visit with our parents during the week, so she can visit with them on the weekends since her kids are in public school. I asked her if her she thought her kids would mind working on the weekend. Of course they would! Mine do as well because we have lots of activities and classes during the week, so it does not feel like a break to take a weekday off. Anyway, I am fortunate that no one pressures me any more. I don't really think they have any idea what my life is like, but I can deal with that.

 

Good luck and stand firm.

[Mom0012]

I come from a family culture of drop-ins. And to be fair, my parents do "drop-in" to the schools my nephews attend - they're welcome to do reading in the younger years, lunch in the middle years, and to pep rallies in the upper years. So it's not totally unreasonable for them to desire to drop-in to my little homeschool either. But I'm not you and my family isn't yours - right?

 

My children have extracurriculars every night of the week - some nights, these activities are even doubled up. We like to keep busy. But as wonderful as these activities are, and as great the opportunities they provide, they can't edge out time with extended family IMO. I wouldn't prioritize them over grandparents. Your medical appts aren't negotiable, those stay. Grandparents have a reasonable expectation and desire to spend time with grandkids, so that time is either within the school day or in the evenings. You have a reasonable expectation to educate and raise your children as you see fit, which means dedicated school hours.

 

I think there's a middle ground where you relax some but they step up some (in recognizing your school day). I'd put it that plainly to them and see what compromises they were willing accept - whether it's a weekly grandparent class, running kids to some appts, watching kids while YOU run to appts, or doing a teacher inservice type day once a month (no school, or limited school w/grandparent attending and visiting). Let them know you're wanting to work it out, but that homeschool is your priority and any suggestions they have need to be with respect to your school schedule.

 

I was a military wife for years, and protective of any days off my husband had. It's why we started homeschooling! So the grandparents' time had to be fit into our school time. I figure they can learn a lot from those old folks (LOL), not all academic and some good, some bad but skills and character nonetheless. I grew up living with a grandparent, so I'm biased towards nurturing that relationship. Find time in your day to do that, if you're able.

But why does it have to be on a weekday instead of the weekend? It sounds like the OP is willing to fit them in then.

[minuway]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. We don't live near family, but still have to guard our mornings to make sure we get what we need done. There are lots of great opportunities all the time that is any of us don't have time boundaries we end up running all over the place and never getting our core work done.  I'm sure if our family was close I would do the same as you are doing - as it is I don't answer phone calls or texts during the morning (my morning anyway - even though my family are all on the opposite coast so three hours ahead of me). It seems like they've taken all that talk about the joys of the flexibility of homeschooling a bit too much to heart, and middle school is a lot more time consuming than elementary!  Sorry its been such a pain....

[Tess in the Burbs]

I lost 1 1/2 weeks to family visits this fall. No one considered we take off school for this. If they were in school they could Not spend a week in October with grandma. They don't get it. Sorry, not much you can say to gain that respect

[MinivanMom]

You are not being unreasonable at all.

 

I would stop answering the phone during the day. Let the gp's know that you will no longer be answering the phone during the day, but will return calls at x time. Record a message that says, "We're homeschooling right now. Please leave us a message and we will call you back later." Then don't answer the phone. If you are consistent about it then they will stop calling.

 

I would also choose a set time to see them each week. It would be best if it was the same day & time each week for consistency, but that may not be possible. If they ask to see you in the middle of a weekday you just say, "Remember, we'll see you on Sunday afternoon." If they persist, then you say, "I'm not going to discuss this further," and end the call. If they show up, politely tell them that you're busy and shut the door. They will get the idea eventually.

 

Be kind, be firm, be consistent.

[kirstenhill]

I'm totally with the others that I don't think your boundaries are unreasonable.  My mom lives about 1.5 hrs away and we schedule visits about twice a month on weekdays (that is what works best for her due to my step-dad's work schedule and the limited time they have to spend together).   My younger kids are okay having a short or missed school day every now and then, and my DD is typically motivated to complete school work more quickly to have time to spend with grandma.   But I know my mom would never come by without asking first and is  okay with me saying we need to skip a regular visit if we get too busy.   Sometimes it does feel like a bit of a strain on the schedule when we have other "extras" in a given week, but i keep thinking that I want to make the most of these years while my kids are young enough to do this and my mom has good health.  You never know when things can change.   Again, not saying you have to make that choice, but that is what I am doing.  Your family seems much more intrusive (and it is only my mom involved, not multiple grandparents). 

 

One thing we are doing that seems to be a win-win with our schedule is to have special "grandma dates" where on some visits my mom takes just one kid out for lunch or to do some other fun activity.  It is much easier for that one kid to catch up on missed work later or get done early in order to be free for the "grandma date" than it is to have to change up everyone's schedule. 

[Piper]

Not much to add except that I don't thing you're being unreasonable either.  It sounds like you take phone calls during school, so it would probably help if you turned the ringer off and let the answering machine be your secretary until *you* are available.

 

Don't have a lot of experience with this issue myself, but the idea of specific, planned-well-in-advance grandparent dates sounds good.

[Paige]

My mother recently came up with a crazy, crazy plan for me getting my SN child to a non-mandatory family event that would have upset our schedule for an entire week. No way was I willing to do that. Between the homeschooling, therapy and dr appointments, I don't just change my schedule without much consideration.

Yes! They are constantly putting out random totally bizarre "helpful" suggestions of how I could arrange things to accommodate them more. I get really ridiculous, unworkable ideas and then pouts when I don't consider them. Things like (several years ago)- how about you take your 3 bedroom house w/4 kids, and turn the biggest secondary room by the only other bathroom outside of the master's ensuite into a permanent guest room and guest bathroom for the 3 weeks a year that you have houseguests? Um....how about the people who live here 365 days a year benefit from those rooms??

 

 

If they still complain, consider making them work for you! For e.g. tell them that you will be running off to the doctor appointment with child #2 in the afternoon, so could they come over and supervise the math or literature work for child #1, #3 and #4 and give them their snack while you are out and supervise the bathtime for the little ones? Or, could they please take child #3 to soccer while you catch up child #1, #2 and #4 on spelling and history? Or could they do a craft or art project with all the kids while you get your weekly grocery shopping done?

I think that you should not feel guilty for wanting to educate your children. And they should not make you feel that way.

I have some that want to help but aren't up to the job. In the past they've either not done the work, told the child that said work that was full of mistakes was correct (answer key, people!), said work that was correct was full of mistakes, or simply did not understand the material. I have given up on asking them to supervise anything educational that I really care to get done. I have allowed them to go overnight for a couple of days with the promise that math and reading be completed only to get a call that child was too tired at bedtime to do any of the work.

 

Then, I have others who don't want to work. They say they are "here to play." Seriously- when one came to visit after my 4th child was born, I was asked what I was serving for dessert while I did the dishes for the meal I had prepared. Irritated, I asked wasn't this person supposed to be helping me? Person says no, "I'm on vacation. I'm just here to hold the baby."

 

 

If you are open to weekend visits, and it sounds like you are, then I don't get why the grandparents are having a problem. Why do they need to visit during the week instead of the weekend?

They usually can. This time she had something going on for the weekend. Other times the weekday sounds more fun, and other times, they come for the weekend and then will not leave! I will invite them up for the weekend, and they insist on staying through Monday. Or, they will ask if they can come for the weekend, we agree, and then when they get here, they have no firm idea of what day they should go home. That's my in-laws. Drives. Me. Batty!! Apparently, in their culture, it is rude to ask a guest when he or she plans to go home and it is acceptable to not inform the host of your intentions until the day you feel like it.

 

 

I do appreciate everyone's responses and I'm glad I'm not alone with this struggle. I think I do have firm boundaries, but I'm kind of getting known as a little witch about it and I wanted to do a self check.

 

I have talked with DH and I think we will try to plan regularly scheduled days to spend with both sets of grandparents. I think it will make them feel more appreciated and loved and if we schedule it, there's less of a chance that busyness will take over and push them out. It will be easier for me to have things on the calendar at the start of the month instead of trying to squeeze things in at the last minute. Maybe if we do that, I'll get fewer requests for last minute things. Still- the grandparents just watched the kids for 10 straight days last month when DH and I went out of town, MIL decided to not leave for another 5 days, and we saw my parents another 2 days, and we'll be seeing them for about a week around Thanksgiving. So, from Oct-Nov, we have spent a lot of time with one or both of them. I don't think I'm being especially stingy.

[8filltheheart]

Too many responses for me to read through, so this might already have been said, but why does everything have to during the day? Why not, "We can't make it for lunch, but we'd love to meet you for dinner." Or, we'd love to see you around 4.

 

My family knows I get annoyed if they call during school hrs. Don't interrupt my days. Period. Lunchtime calls are at least more tolerable, but mostly they have learned to call late afternoon, evening. So.....keeping school time boundaries.....you're definitely in the right.

[SilverMoon]

I just want to add - stop answering the phone during school hours. Take note of who called and return the calls when you have an appropriate hole in your day. If kids answer the phone teach them to say, "Lastname Homeschool" as part of the initial greeting. I've answered that way myself. It's a polite way to let people know up front that you can't talk long.

[Kathryn]

I hate to say this, but I don't think you have firm boundaries at all. They may be complaining, but theyre still causing problems. These people are not normal and you're going to have to be extremely clear on expectations. Do not pick up the phone for these people while you are schooling. If it's an emergency, they can leave a message. Do not agree to let them come over unless you have a firm time that they are leaving. If they attempt to overstay, kick them out. Use clear language when conveying your unavailability. But do give them alternatives that will work. I'm sorry you have to deal with this from both sets of family!

[SKL]

I'm not a homeschooler, but I'll just say that I always feel guilty interrupting my kids' classroom for even a few seconds (to drop off a lunch or whatever).  I always apologize "sorry for disrupting your class" and slink out of there as fast as possible.  I'll bet there aren't many grandparents who feel free to come into a school classroom and have quality time with their grandkids during the school day.  There's a reason for that.

 

I'd just lay out what days/times are OK for visits and what times are not.  Unless someone has a crisis, that schedule would be observed.

 

Maybe you could combine grandparent visits with other things that are already disruptive - such as doctor visits.

[Shellydon]

What about doing a 4 day school week and having one day for field trips, family visits etc. 

[HS Mom in NC]

Yes! They are constantly putting out random totally bizarre "helpful" suggestions of how I could arrange things to accommodate them more. I get really ridiculous, unworkable ideas and then pouts when I don't consider them. Things like (several years ago)- how about you take your 3 bedroom house w/4 kids, and turn the biggest secondary room by the only other bathroom outside of the master's ensuite into a permanent guest room and guest bathroom for the 3 weeks a year that you have houseguests? Um....how about the people who live here 365 days a year benefit from those rooms??

 

 

 

I have some that want to help but aren't up to the job. In the past they've either not done the work, told the child that said work that was full of mistakes was correct (answer key, people!), said work that was correct was full of mistakes, or simply did not understand the material. I have given up on asking them to supervise anything educational that I really care to get done. I have allowed them to go overnight for a couple of days with the promise that math and reading be completed only to get a call that child was too tired at bedtime to do any of the work.

 

Then, I have others who don't want to work. They say they are "here to play." Seriously- when one came to visit after my 4th child was born, I was asked what I was serving for dessert while I did the dishes for the meal I had prepared. Irritated, I asked wasn't this person supposed to be helping me? Person says no, "I'm on vacation. I'm just here to hold the baby."

 

 

 

They usually can. This time she had something going on for the weekend. Other times the weekday sounds more fun, and other times, they come for the weekend and then will not leave! I will invite them up for the weekend, and they insist on staying through Monday. Or, they will ask if they can come for the weekend, we agree, and then when they get here, they have no firm idea of what day they should go home. That's my in-laws. Drives. Me. Batty!! Apparently, in their culture, it is rude to ask a guest when he or she plans to go home and it is acceptable to not inform the host of your intentions until the day you feel like it.

 

 

I do appreciate everyone's responses and I'm glad I'm not alone with this struggle. I think I do have firm boundaries, but I'm kind of getting known as a little witch about it and I wanted to do a self check.

 

 

I have talked with DH and I think we will try to plan regularly scheduled days to spend with both sets of grandparents. I think it will make them feel more appreciated and loved and if we schedule it, there's less of a chance that busyness will take over and push them out. It will be easier for me to have things on the calendar at the start of the month instead of trying to squeeze things in at the last minute. Maybe if we do that, I'll get fewer requests for last minute things. Still- the grandparents just watched the kids for 10 straight days last month when DH and I went out of town, MIL decided to not leave for another 5 days, and we saw my parents another 2 days, and we'll be seeing them for about a week around Thanksgiving. So, from Oct-Nov, we have spent a lot of time with one or both of them. I don't think I'm being especially stingy.

 

 

Nothing that you've posted here reads "I have firm boundaries." I think you truly don't grasp what is normal for American culture.  What they do is outrageously rude and unreasonable.  No one over staying by 5 days has any sense of normal.  No one who says to her daughter who homeschools her kids with special medical needs "You're full of it" when she points out her schedule doesn't accommodate impromptu visits is a functional, healthy person.  People this far gone will call someone a witch or worse when they set normal boundaries.  They'll accuse them of all sorts of silly things. 

 

The appropriate response is to firmly state what you will do and when you will do it and enforce that boundary no matter how they react.  It's their problem when they react badly to it or try to get you to second guess yourself. They can never be indulged in their unreasonableness. They can't be reasoned with because they're not motivated by reason if they were, you wouldn't have to deal with any of this in the first place. They wouldn't know how to classify reasonable if their lives depended on it, so don't expect them to.  You have to be in control and in charge of everything related you, your husband and your kids when it involves extended family because your extended family is not normal.

 

 

 

[Zebra]

They are being unreasonable.

 

You're a grown woman, and you've got children to raise and homeschool.   It takes a lot of time and effort, and it never ceases to amaze me how many family members do not get that.   But, that's too bad for them.

 

My mother would go on and on about how awful most homeschoolers were, particularly unschoolers (which we were not, even though I have absolutely no problem with unschooling at all).   Then, when she was mad because I couldn't do some crazy activity she would LITERALLY say, "I don't know WHY you can't just be unschoolers!"  Her underlying insinuation being that unschoolers never do any real work and can go off and do whatever whenever they want to.  It took me awhile to realize, that it was just manipulation.   She's got serious issues beyond that, but still....MANIPULATION.   Adult temper tantrum.  Whatever you want to call it.

 

And frankly, manipulation works very well on those of us who are actually trying very hard to make other people happy.  Those of us really trying to keep the peace.

 

There is a point in life where you have to realize that your life is your life, and stop trying to make your family happy.   I understand that you are questioning whether you are being unreasonable or not, and that's a good sign.   You care about them, but you just have to do what you need to do and ignore their opinion.

 

Stop answering the phone during the day, and do not listen to them when they whine.   You have to stop reacting to their complaints.  It won't be easy, they will not like it and they will get more angry about it at first.   But hopefully they will accept "the new you" when they realize you aren't going to listen to them any more.

[Paige]

I don't know... I still think I have pretty good boundaries. I tell them no. That's the problem- they don't react well to my no and pout but I rarely give in. I wish they would just be nice. I can be more consistent with my own family and other than making snippy remarks and pouting and saying unreasonable things (that I must refuse) it doesn't go beyond that. I was starting to question if I really was being witchy, and should I give in more, which is why I posted.

 

DH's family is something else entirely. I think there's mental illness there. DH was raised in it and doesn't see it like I do, but for the most part it is harmless to us. Yes- I get itchy and irritable when people come and don't leave on time or don't ask if they can stay longer or don't say when they expect to return, but it's not really hurting anyone. The kids love them. I don't want to escalate anything or create more drama or have someone threatening suicide. I mostly leave it up to him to deal with his side and he doesn't want to enforce boundaries as strictly as I would. As gentle as I've tried to be, and as much as I think in-laws like me, they've said they are scared of me. Probably just scared I won't do what they want.

 

I think that makes things worse on my side because my parents feel things are unfair and they are penalized for being not so crazy. Maybe they're upping the crazy lately to compete! There is some ethnic differences/cultural differences, I think, but a lot of the cultural differences between me and them is that my family of origin did not include mental illness. My parents only got weird after I had kids!

[mathnerd]

I don't know... I still think I have pretty good boundaries. I tell them no. That's the problem- they don't react well to my no and pout but I rarely give in. I wish they would just be nice. I can be more consistent with my own family and other than making snippy remarks and pouting and saying unreasonable things (that I must refuse) it doesn't go beyond that. I was starting to question if I really was being witchy, and should I give in more, which is why I posted.

 

DH's family is something else entirely. I think there's mental illness there. DH was raised in it and doesn't see it like I do, but for the most part it is harmless to us. Yes- I get itchy and irritable when people come and don't leave on time or don't ask if they can stay longer or don't say when they expect to return, but it's not really hurting anyone. The kids love them. I don't want to escalate anything or create more drama or have someone threatening suicide. I mostly leave it up to him to deal with his side and he doesn't want to enforce boundaries as strictly as I would. As gentle as I've tried to be, and as much as I think in-laws like me, they've said they are scared of me. Probably just scared I won't do what they want.

 

I think that makes things worse on my side because my parents feel things are unfair and they are penalized for being not so crazy. Maybe they're upping the crazy lately to compete! There is some ethnic differences/cultural differences, I think, but a lot of the cultural differences between me and them is that my family of origin did not include mental illness. My parents only got weird after I had kids!

Sorry! I take back what I said in my post. When there is mental illness involved, you need to be really gentle. And just forget what I said about asking for their help with the schooling. Ethnic and cultural differences are a totally different ballgame. In some cultures, it is acceptable and sometimes the norm to do the things that you are seeing with your inlaws and it is hard for the older people to change their way of thinking even if they live in America now. 

[Zebra]

I don't know... I still think I have pretty good boundaries. I tell them no. That's the problem- they don't react well to my no and pout but I rarely give in. I wish they would just be nice. I can be more consistent with my own family and other than making snippy remarks and pouting and saying unreasonable things (that I must refuse) it doesn't go beyond that. I was starting to question if I really was being witchy, and should I give in more, which is why I posted.

 

DH's family is something else entirely. I think there's mental illness there. DH was raised in it and doesn't see it like I do, but for the most part it is harmless to us. Yes- I get itchy and irritable when people come and don't leave on time or don't ask if they can stay longer or don't say when they expect to return, but it's not really hurting anyone. The kids love them. I don't want to escalate anything or create more drama or have someone threatening suicide. I mostly leave it up to him to deal with his side and he doesn't want to enforce boundaries as strictly as I would. As gentle as I've tried to be, and as much as I think in-laws like me, they've said they are scared of me. Probably just scared I won't do what they want.

 

I think that makes things worse on my side because my parents feel things are unfair and they are penalized for being not so crazy. Maybe they're upping the crazy lately to compete! There is some ethnic differences/cultural differences, I think, but a lot of the cultural differences between me and them is that my family of origin did not include mental illness. My parents only got weird after I had kids!

 

If your in-laws are threatening suicide over not getting their way...you have some pretty serious problems.  Definitely some mental illness.   And all you can really do in that situation is NOT EVER TAKE THEIR OPINION SERIOUSLY.   Really.   If they pout, it's not a valid opinion.   They are saying you are "scary" to try to guilt you into doing what they want.   Think of them like little children having a tantrum.   

 

The only other thing you can do is severely limit contact (like you described in your OP).   I think it's even more reasonable if you are dealing with mentally ill people to have strictly enforced rules.   I think you need to put up firm boundaries with people like that, or they will try to take over your life.  

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm starting to suspect "all or nothing thinking" being a common theme in both branches of the family dynamic.

 

If it's possible that your in-laws have actual mental health issues, you need to talk of an expert in that field and find out exactly how to handle their particular problems. It will also be very valuable for your spouse to hear from a professional what is normal and what is not.  Nothing in any of your posts is normal, so I think it will be valuable for you too. If they're so unstable that someone's life or well being is in danger if you say, "Now's not a good time.  What about Saturday or Sunday afternoon? Which do you prefer?" Then they may need to be committed.  If it's just an adult temper tantrum, then limits must be set. A professional can help you assess that situation and address self-confidence issues you or your spouse may have about setting personal boundaries.

 

When you visit or move to another country, no matter how old you are, you have to expect to do things differently.  No one should  expect their children to grow up or live in another culture but act as if they grew up in the parents' culture.  That's not reality.  When I visit abroad, I expect to learn enough about the culture to conform my behavior enough to not be considered extremely rude or overbearing. They are being extreme.

 

It doesn't matter if it's mental illness, culture clashes or personality.  You don't have time to meet your children's needs educationally or medically and maximize your time with your husband because of their constant interruptions, which is what this thread is supposed to be about.  What you've been doing isn't working. It's stressing you out and there's no legitimate reason for this excessive hassle from both ends.  You have the power to limit them (assuming a mental health professional familiar with the details of this situation doesn't tell you to handle it differently) but you'll have to put up with their disapproval to do it.  For heaven's sake, people are just suggesting you schedule their visits at a time that works for them AND you. They're suggesting over staying by a week is extreme and unnecessary. No one has told you to cut off contact entirely or make it so infrequent the relationship with the grandparents and kids lose their sense of intimacy.  We're saying tell them you're free on the weekends and stick to it. We're saying don't answer the phone during school but check your messages as soon as school's over and call them back. 

[Catwoman]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think your family members are being rude, demanding, and inconsiderate.

 

Stick to your guns, Mama!!!

[kolamum]

:grouphug:  I'm sorry, I know it can really dump the day upside down. Like you I'm very careful about what happens within certain times of our school days. 9-130 is pretty much off limits each day for us. I try not to even schedule dr. appointments then if I can help it, but obviously it can't always be helped. Having said that we have had grandparents stay with us during school time before. This is one elderly grandparent who is usually here due to medical reasons {broken hip, sick, broken ankle, etc.}

 

We just carry on with our normal schedule & do our best to move around her. I've had to read REALLY loud before over her snoring & once she woke up from a sound sleep & started shouting about tea. She was still half out of it, but it cracked us all up. Maybe you could arrange a special evening for the grandparents if they are that keen. A Thursday or Friday when they cam come & have a "long weekend".

 

I will say when we first moved closed to my mil she didn't fully understand homeschooling. She got that I taught my kids, but she only cooed if they showed her busy work type stuff. She expected us to stop drop & roll to meet her & to take her to appointments {with no prior warning} or to be delighted she'd be taking the bus & had asked them special to drop her at our doorstop. She MEANT well. She simply did NOT understand. It was HARD because I was becoming spiteful about it as it was intruding on our schooling.

 

My final straw came the day she got angry because I said I wouldn't take her an hour to the dentist as my children had tummy sick happening. Hubs called his sis & lamented to her the issue we were having. His sis was angry because she'd all ready taken time off work to take their Mum so had no idea why I was being asked.

 

And that is when I came up with a lovely idea. I printed out a "Year At A Glance" calendar for our school year. We school from Jan-Dec so it was easy to locate a free one. I highlighted the weeks we would NOT be schooling & then we circled one day within the week we'd be more then happy if she needed to schedule appointments. The rest of the week was ours, but if she was going to be in town & wanted to make a surprise visit she was free to do so. It made a WORLD of difference. We presented it to her & when she tried to slip off that idea/plan my husband pointed out that we were schooling that week & I'd have to take off "work" & the kids off "school" perhaps she could check with sis to see if she wasn't working that day {she only works 2x a week}. 

 

Worked wonders! :D  Maybe if grandparents saw that there were some weeks in there that they could make surprise visits they wouldn't be so pushy the rest of the time?

[AmyontheFarm]

It just dawned on me that I should show my KIDS this!  Then they could see when the next break is coming. 

[Alicia64]

Absolutely no argument from me. In fact, I don't answer my phone -- ever -- during school times. Frankly, I'm surprised when other homeschool moms are calling leaving messages on my phone during school hours. They can school when they want to, but I've made it clear when we school and they still call.

 

That your mother said "you're full of it" is another can of worms entirely. She is way over the line. It sounds like you're not just dealing w/ homeschool boundaries and culture -- you're dealing w/ a mom who is not being respectful.

 

I think even the smallest disruptions can mess w/ our entire day. An hour of homeschool tennis sounds like no big deal until you realize that you have to get ready for tennis (eat well etc.), drive to it -- 20 mins. away -- drive home, need down time when we return etc.

 

The dr. and dentist is the same sort of thing. It seems like there is always a reason for school to be disrupted. Always. If it's not grandparents -- it's the holidays. Or beautiful weather "that we just have to take advantage of."

 

Like Gilda said, "If it's not one thing, it's another."

 

Alley

[kolamum]

It just dawned on me that I should show my KIDS this!  Then they could see when the next break is coming. 

 

Yes!! & giving them each their own calendar to keep track on is great too.. all though I'm currently worried as to why my youngest has written No on the 4th, 6th, & 7th of this month. I'm hoping he's not keeping track of each time I'm telling him no about getting a bird!!

[kiwik]

Nm

[journey00]

Oh good..there's others in the same boat as I.....family wanting to interrupt my day...and I work full-time also!   I just went round and round with my family with something similar.  I finally had to ban everyone from my house.   I won't lie to you...it was HARD, I felt BAD!!! But with a little more practice, it got easier. MIL doesn't  drop by unannouced anymore expecting to ride horses in the middle of the day..my Mom drops in unannounced sometimes with a re-modeling emergency but I immediately say "Mom, you have 2 min.  I have to keep teaching."  lol   My main problem now is extended family wanting to hang out..not anymore though, I banned them all until the holidays.  Hang in there.  I think family should look at it as if the kids were in regular school and work around that schedule.  Good luck. :)

 

 

 

[Brooketopia]

I don't think you're being too rigid or strict.  I've had to move that way in recent years myself.  It's hard to get all that work in otherwise.

 

When my grandmother started to notice that everyone was scattering because of school, activities, etc., she instituted Sunday Night Dinner.  Every Sunday, all the people who live around her come over for the afternoon/early evening, and it's a potluck dinner where she supplies the main dish.  The date and time are set, and everyone is happy with it, and everyone gets to see each other.  Maybe that could be an option for your families?  Given that it's a two hour drive, perhaps the hosting location could alternate, or you could meet on even-dated Sundays, or just the third Saturday of the month?  Things like that.

 

You're competing against a stereotype that we homeschoolers have the most flexible schedules in the world.  The grandparents believe this lie, and perhaps feel insulted or a little unloved because, even though you supposedly have all this flexibility, you're not using it on them.  I can understand why they're frustrated.  They'll feel frustrated until the day they really do realize that you don't have time for that.  I don't know what's going to help them understand that, but that is how it is.  You're not alone in feeling like a big ol' meanie for standing your ground on this issue.  Lots of us are dealing with it, and turning our cheeks time and time again when people refuse to believe that we need to be home to do school.  Just because a handful of other homeschoolers do it differently, doesn't mean we all do it that way, or that we even want to do it that way.  To each their own, I have found a way that I like, and hurray for everyone.

[...................]

I love the calendar idea...

 

I personally think you should make more time for your own mom who is not crazy.  But it should be on terms that both of you are comfy with.  She's probably so excited you are all finally together.  Is she adventurous? My mother is very adventurous, and my mother would be the perfect one to combine with a field trip!!  If you trust your mom, you could also let her babysit which gives her time with her grandkids and also gives you a break.

 

As far as your in-laws, they better just read the calendar and get over themselves. 

 

 

[KAM]

I would definitely not answer the phone while teaching. I do not think it is selfish to protect school hours, and I know it can be hard to do that. But I would also think about setting aside a regular afternoon for visiting, if possible.  Then the rest of the week, stick to your plan.

 

When my grandmother was still around we always went to visit her and my mom for Wednesday lunch. They lived 45 min. away though, so closer than yours.  I agree with those who said family trumps extracurriuculars. If I didn't have time for visiting family, I would feel like we needed to cut back, but that is me. Unless you don't get along with the family in question. My MIL is a very difficult person and we do have to limit her visits for our sanity. But I lost my mom four years ago and obviously I would love to have her "interrupting" our day now. I do not regret at all the breaks we took to visit her, and wish we had done even more.

 

Maybe it could work for your mom to help you teach one day? I have four also and know it is very helpful those days when there is a second adult around to help with a math lesson, do a read-aloud, or whatever. Just a thought. I do think it is very rude to drop by unannounced, that would drive me absolutely batty.