How happy is your marriage?

[Murphy101]

I just asked dh how happy he thinks our marriage is on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the highest.

 

He said 2, but only because of finances bc he wants to provide considerably more for us.

 

Yeah. I hate economics too now that I think about it more. *sigh*

[Scarlett]

I just asked dh how happy he thinks our marriage is on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the highest.

 

He said 2, but only because of finances bc he wants to provide considerably more for us.

 

Yeah. I hate economics too now that I think about it more. *sigh*

:(. That makes me sad that he thinks that has a bearing on marital happiness......to me finances are a separate issue.....my marriage is how well dh and I get along.

[Murphy101]

Scarlett, I 200% agree with you.

 

But my dh is a born people pleasing gift giving love language give his last shirt to anyone, even if they aren't even in genuine need of it, kind of guy. I have to be careful to not say I even like something or he'll really feel bad he can't afford it. Or worse, he'll buy it anyways.

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, I 200% agree with you.

 

But my dh is a born people pleasing gift giving love language give his last shirt to anyone, even if they aren't even in genuine need of it, kind of guy. I have to be careful to not say I even like something or he'll really feel bad he can't afford it. Or worse, he'll buy it anyways.

Come to think of it, dh is the same way.

[abacus2]

I voted "happy," but really what we are is united. We want to be together. Sometimes we are together and happy and sometimes we are together and unhappy, but we'd always rather be together.

[Miss Peregrine]

Unhappyish. Working on it. It's tough, though.

[Melissa in Australia]

I voted "happy," but really what we are is united. We want to be together. Sometimes we are together and happy and sometimes we are together and unhappy, but we'd always rather be together.

we have had times like this as well.

[Donna]

A couple years ago I would have answered differenty but we've worked through a rough patch and are happy. I didn' t put extremely happy because I am not sure what that means. We have small disagreements now and then...I would be suspicious if dh never had a different idea on things than I did. We are stronger together now and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I have been with dh for over 25 years. At first we were madly in love and we still love each other a lot but it is different when you've been with someone forever, know all their faults, they know all yours, and you still can say you love them.

 

I think other people can see we are happy.

[Hunter's Moon]

DH and I are coming up on our 1-year anniversary on Colombus Day. We had been together for 5 years on our Wedding Day, though.

 

I would say we have a happy marriage - not extremely happy, because there is always something to strive for in ourselves and our relationship.

 

I know this because when I am having a stressful day, the idea of being in his arms is enough to set me at ease. The genuine smile on his face when he sees me lets me know he is happy.

[Scarlett]

I wasn't saying that she hadn't tried to address it. She has, but she gave up 2 years ago. She is just postponing the inevitable. This is EXACTLY why the rates of divorce for empty nesters has doubled in the last 20 years. I have a feeling, once the kids are gone, she will be as well.

 

I think as far as divergent goals go: You HAVE to come to some kind of compromise that BOTH people can live with. Tap's husband won't go to counseling and won't address his lack of desire medically. " That is just the way I am" is a cop out. I'm a messy person. I will never be as neat as my husband. If I were to say, well I was just born messy so I see no reason to pick up the house or really clean it. That is just wrong and selfish. We have come to the point where we have figured out the common ground. He would like it a little neater. I would like to spend less time on it, but it is something we can live with.

 

For me personally, I've wasted too much time pushing things under the rug figuring MY time will come at some point. Only Tap can decide if she wants to live without that need being met. My guess is that she will be so resentful by the time the kids leave that she will be gone as well. I'm not saying it is easy. I understand that sometimes those difficult issues cannot be resolved: matters of faith, perhaps.. But my point was that if no compromise can be reached that leave both parties at least content with the situation, then resentment will build and the marriage will be over. If not in an actual divorce, then an emotional divorce that has 2 people just living in the same house.

 

Just my two cents.

It appears to me that Taps choices are to live without the need being met or leave her otherwise good husband in the hopes that someone else will meet that need. In her shoes I would stay because I feel it is the right thing to do.

[*Lulu*]

We are not happy. We are beset with major issues relating to our sons' SNs, medical issues with me, trying to keep all the plates, (school, house, ect.), spinning through the issues, and all the financial pressures that go with the first two items on this list. Maybe happy is the right answer; I just can't call what we have been slogging through lately happy.

 

What we are is solidly committed. I love DH deeply and know that he loves me; we are each other's best friend and support.

 

Few people know how the weight of dealing with the kids' needs is draining us, even fewer know about my medical issue so I think most people if asked would say we are happy. I think if you asked even those who are in the know if we are happily married they would answer yes.

[*Lulu*]

I wasn't saying that she hadn't tried to address it. She has, but she gave up 2 years ago. She is just postponing the inevitable. This is EXACTLY why the rates of divorce for empty nesters has doubled in the last 20 years. I have a feeling, once the kids are gone, she will be as well.

 

I think as far as divergent goals go: You HAVE to come to some kind of compromise that BOTH people can live with. Tap's husband won't go to counseling and won't address his lack of desire medically. " That is just the way I am" is a cop out. I'm a messy person. I will never be as neat as my husband. If I were to say, well I was just born messy so I see no reason to pick up the house or really clean it. That is just wrong and selfish. We have come to the point where we have figured out the common ground. He would like it a little neater. I would like to spend less time on it, but it is something we can live with.

 

For me personally, I've wasted too much time pushing things under the rug figuring MY time will come at some point. Only Tap can decide if she wants to live without that need being met. My guess is that she will be so resentful by the time the kids leave that she will be gone as well. I'm not saying it is easy. I understand that sometimes those difficult issues cannot be resolved: matters of faith, perhaps.. But my point was that if no compromise can be reached that leave both parties at least content with the situation, then resentment will build and the marriage will be over. If not in an actual divorce, then an emotional divorce that has 2 people just living in the same house.

 

Just my two cents.

And your point is what?

 

I didn't get the feeling from Tap's first post she was seeking intervention, assistance, or input.

[elegantlion]

I HATE to see people unhappy.  She is. ( it is a sad way to live comment..)

 

Plus, I figured this thread is also a discussion of what makes a happy marriage.  So that is MY theory.  I'm sure other people have other theories.

 

But she didn't ask for advice. You asked for people to comment on their own marriages, not to open themselves up for unsolicited advice from random strangers on the Internet. 

 

A happy marriage cannot be sold as one size fits all solution. Your assertion that her life is sad and her marriage is headed toward divorce is not encouraging or helpful. 

 

 

ETA: My Correction, the OP, not you, asked for people to comment on their own marriage. 

[aggieamy]

LOL.  I just asked DH what he would rank our marriage with one being the ha....

 

He interrupts with a very happy 45!!!

 

Then he asks what I would rank it and I said a one because that was the happiest.  He says that there's something wrong with my rating system and we're a 45.

 

I'm pretty fond of that silly man. 

[Dory]

I HATE to see people unhappy.  She is. ( it is a sad way to live comment..)

 

Plus, I figured this thread is also a discussion of what makes a happy marriage.  So that is MY theory.  I'm sure other people have other theories.

 

It's not fun to see other people unhappy, but unhappiness is a part of life. As I've been known to say in my cynical moments, life sucks and then you die. A person shouldn't give unasked for advice. If you know the person well you can, or if they asked for advice you can, but otherwise, if a person really cares, they will just listen and be empathetic. That opens up the doorway for someone to feel comfortable talking to you and perhaps they will ask you for advice later down the road. But unasked for advice tends to shut people down and make them feel not heard. Then they won't really hear your advice anyway.

 

 

 

My marriage is pitiful at best, but we have three kids and I can handle where things are at, so for the moment, I'll live with it. Perhaps in the future I'll see a different option.

[AimeeM]

I HATE to see people unhappy.  She is. ( it is a sad way to live comment..)

 

Plus, I figured this thread is also a discussion of what makes a happy marriage.  So that is MY theory.  I'm sure other people have other theories.

 

Edit: I apologize for thinking you started the thread.

 

I still think you shouldn't offer advice that wasn't asked for. I still think it's sneaky and unkind.

[kewb]

Overall I think our marriage is pretty solid.  We have bad years and good years.  Right now we are having a bad one due in large part to dh's health issues.  I was a bit off my rocker this past summer and based on things my sister said to me and quite sure that my family thinks I am miserable and on the verge of a mental breakdown.  My friends probably think the marriage is in trouble due to that as well.

[Soror]

So then should I remove it and make it more generic?

 

 

I will say I'm really glad that people on this board and other boards have been speaking truth in my life and allowed me to not accept the status quo.

Well, fwiw I think you've made several posts opening yourself up and soliciting for advice. It seems the question was just an inquiry and then turned into, I know the secrets of marriage let me tell you. I think it is great that you are working on being more assertive and outspoken but part of that is also realizing that although you *can* say whatever you like it isn't always polite or prudent to do so.

[Scarlett]

I hate to see people unhappy too, but you asked people to open up about their marraiges, with no mention that you would pick random replies and give advice - that is sneaky and unkind. She didn't ask for advice.

Seeking didn't start this thread.

[Catwoman]

I wasn't saying that she hadn't tried to address it. She has, but she gave up 2 years ago. She is just postponing the inevitable. This is EXACTLY why the rates of divorce for empty nesters has doubled in the last 20 years. I have a feeling, once the kids are gone, she will be as well.

I cannot even fathom the idea that anyone would be so incredibly presumptuous as to tell Tap that she's going to end up divorced. :glare: How dare anyone say such a thing -- particularly to someone they don't even know???

 

I'm sure you didn't intend your comments to sound mean, and I realize that you were probably absolutely sincere in trying to offer helpful advice, but I hope you can re-read your post and realize how obnoxious your comments are coming across to some of us.

[AimeeM]

Seeking didn't start this thread.

 

Woopsie. My bad. Apologies all around.

(although I still think unsolicited advice is a bad idea, but I do wholeheartedly apologize for thinking she started the thread)

[Tap]

I wasn't saying that she hadn't tried to address it.  She has, but she gave up 2 years ago.  She is just postponing the inevitable.   This is EXACTLY why the rates of divorce for empty nesters has doubled in the last 20 years.  I have a feeling, once the kids are gone, she will be as well.

 

I think as far as divergent goals go:  You HAVE to come to some kind of compromise that BOTH people can live with.  Tap's husband won't go to counseling and won't address his lack of desire medically. " That is just the way I am" is a cop out.  I'm a messy person.  I will never be as neat as my husband.  If I were to say, well I was just born messy so I see no reason to pick up the house or really clean it.  That is just wrong and selfish.  We have come to the point where we have figured out the common ground.  He would like it a little neater.  I would like to spend less time on it, but it is something we can live with.

 

For me personally, I've wasted too much time pushing things under the rug figuring MY time will come at some point.  Only Tap can decide if she wants to live without that need being met.  My guess is that she will be so resentful by the time the kids leave that she will be gone as well.  I'm not saying it is easy.  I understand that sometimes those difficult issues cannot be resolved: matters of faith, perhaps..  But my point was that if no compromise can be reached that leave both parties at least content with the situation, then resentment will build and the marriage will be over.  If not in an actual divorce, then an emotional divorce that has 2 people just living in the same house. 

 

Just my two cents.

 

Obviously, I only gave a snippet of information on my private life for thread and I will not go into vast detail about that part of my life because for one, this is not the appropriate place for it and two, my marriage of 24 years is far more vast that I want to try to explain online.  

 

I knew by offering this perspective of happiness, it would get dissected and discussed and I almost deleted my post before I added it to the board.  I walked away and thought about it before I posted.  BUT I did post it, and I am willing to let people discuss and ask questions, offer advice and what ever else they want to do with the information.  The reason why I posted, was to offer a balance to all of the 'very happy' replies and let others know that it is okay if you marriage isn't all champagne and roses.  It is okay to have an experience counter to the majority of the replies. 

 

I also know, that my situation is often the reverse.  The man has more desire than the woman, and over time a marriage dissolves from what it once was, to just being roommates.  I offer my experience, for those people on both sides of the equation of desire, to see that compromise is necessary.  That one persons lack of needs, shouldn't trump the other person's desires.  It could be a physical relationship, it could be having home cooked meals, it could be having a stable financial life, it could be a myriad of things.  But without compromise...it will have a lasting effect, and it could eventually mean that a marriage dissolves and they go their separate ways. 

 

In my marriage, there is no compromise.  Yes, he will give me affection if I ask for it, but it isn't just getting affection...it is about being desired as a wife.  It is about being seen and treated differently than his coworkers.  When there is no intimacy in a marriage, it dies a slow death and one person does not make a marriage. 

 

I will address the counseling concept here.  He isn't withholding on purpose.  There isn't anything emotionally going on. There isn't anything to work on.   What there is, is black and white.  He has zero desire for relations.   If I tried to cuddle up next to him in bed or the couch, he physically overheats.  He doesn't like to be hot and it is uncomfortable for him.  Yes, he will try to suck it up and deal with it.  But for me, I can see that he is fighting his own instincts and so it ruins any joy I may get out of it.  You can say, well maybe you need to schedule a night a week or even a month for relations.  Okay, but you know, it really is hard to make that mental connection when he is just preforming on cue.  And honestly he would never prompt it, so I would have to be the only aggressor, and just wait for him to catch on. He is usually oblivious, unless it is just thrown in his face.  No subtle cues work, no wink, wink, nothing.  What ever part of the brain creates desire, just isn't turn on in him.  

 

I know a lot women go through similar feelings when they are nursing children.  They don't want to be touched.  They are tired and sick of being sucked on all day.  Not that they don't enjoy nursing, but at the end of the day, they are just. done. being. touched.  It is uncomfortable.  It is exhausting.  It is too hard to shift mental focus to anything but sleep or just some quiet alone time.  It is kind of like that, for him.  He just doesn't want to.  So, I try to respect that.  I leave him alone and go on about my night.  

 

Maybe there is a hormone deficiency, but he has no desire to get tested again.  He had a testicular cancer scare a few years back and some tests were ran then.  Nothing was found amiss at that time.  Please realize, he has been this way since he was a teenager.  I truly and deeply loved him so when I found out I was pregnant, we got married.  I figured love was enough, but after 24 years,I am realizing how lonely it can make a marriage.  Dh travels for work quite a bit and there are times when I feel more alone when he is home, than when he is gone.  

 

 

I am not asking for advice but I don't care if people try to offer it. Just know that it is likely inapplicable.   I am only offering an honest look into a marriage that can be based on a mutual mental focus and love, but when  major part of the marriage is weak, it may not be as stable as others think from the outside. 

 

 

ETA: when we decided to get married we made a commitment to stay together until our kids were raised.  It is HUGELY important to us.  And barring some unforgivable situation, we will remain together in a happy, functioning family.  It is after that, that I really can't say will happen.  Maybe we will still be together until we turn 100....maybe we will make it a week.

[Dandelion]

 

I HATE to see people unhappy.  She is. ( it is a sad way to live comment..)

 

Plus, I figured this thread is also a discussion of what makes a happy marriage.  So that is MY theory.  I'm sure other people have other theories.

 

You can discuss what makes a happy marriage without giving advice to people who haven't asked for it.  

 

People make the choice to stay in less than ideal relationships for a variety of reasons.  Even when it appears unlikely that anything will change. 

 

One of my best friends is in a sexless, but not loveless, marriage.  It's not her ideal, but she loves her DH and is happy with her marriage in all other respects.  For now, it does not appear that her DH is willing to make any real effort to change.  She's unhappy about that, but has made a conscious decision to accept that reality for now.  This decision and acceptance does not mean she's headed for divorce.  It's perfectly ok to "accept what is", even while acknowledging that you don't like it and would prefer for things to be different.  

[Scarlett]

Obviously, I only gave a snippet of information on my private life for thread and I will not go into vast detail about that part of my life because for one, this is not the appropriate place for it and two, my marriage of 24 years is far more vast that I want to try to explain online.

 

I knew by offering this perspective of happiness, it would get dissected and discussed and I almost deleted my post before I added it to the board. I walked away and thought about it before I posted. BUT I did post it, and I am willing to let people discuss and ask questions, offer advice and what ever else they want to do with the information. The reason why I posted, was to offer a balance to all of the 'very happy' replies and let others know that it is okay if you marriage isn't all champagne and roses. It is okay to have an experience counter to the majority of the replies.

 

I also know, that my situation is often the reverse. The man has more desire than the woman, and over time a marriage dissolves from what it once was, to just being roommates. I offer my experience, for those people on both sides of the equation of desire, to see that compromise is necessary. That one persons lack of needs, shouldn't trump the other person's desires. It could be a physical relationship, it could be having home cooked meals, it could be having a stable financial life, it could be a myriad of things. But without compromise...it will have a lasting effect, and it could eventually mean that a marriage dissolves and they go their separate ways.

 

In my marriage, there is no compromise. Yes, he will give me affection if I ask for it, but it isn't just getting affection...it is about being desired as a wife. It is about being seen and treated differently than his coworkers. When there is no intimacy in a marriage, it dies a slow death and one person does not make a marriage.

 

I will address the counseling concept here. He isn't withholding on purpose. There isn't anything emotionally going on. There isn't anything to work on. What there is, is black and white. He has zero desire for relations. If I tried to cuddle up next to him in bed or the couch, he physically overheats. He doesn't like to be hot and it is uncomfortable for him. Yes, he will try to suck it up and deal with it. But for me, I can see that he is fighting his own instincts and so it ruins any joy I may get out of it. You can say, well maybe you need to schedule a night a week or even a month for relations. Okay, but you know, it really is hard to make that mental connection when he is just preforming on cue. And honestly he would never prompt it, so I would have to be the only aggressor, and just wait for him to catch on. He is usually oblivious, unless it is just thrown in his face. No subtle cues work, no wink, wink, nothing. What ever part of the brain creates desire, just isn't turn on in him.

 

I know a lot women go through similar feelings when they are nursing children. They don't want to be touched. They are tired and sick of being sucked on all day. Not that they don't enjoy nursing, but at the end of the day, they are just. done. being. touched. It is uncomfortable. It is exhausting. It is too hard to shift mental focus to anything but sleep or just some quiet alone time. It is kind of like that, for him. He just doesn't want to. So, I try to respect that. I leave him alone and go on about my night.

 

Maybe there is a hormone deficiency, but he has no desire to get tested again. He had a testicular cancer scare a few years back and some tests were ran then. Nothing was found amiss at that time. Please realize, he has been this way since he was a teenager. I truly and deeply loved him so when I found out I was pregnant, we got married. I figured love was enough, but after 24 years,I am realizing how lonely it can make a marriage. Dh travels for work quite a bit and there are times when I feel more alone when he is home, than when he is gone.

 

 

I am not asking for advice but I don't care if people try to offer it. Just know that it is likely inapplicable. I am only offering an honest look into a marriage that can be based on a mutual mental focus and love, but when major part of the marriage is weak, it may not be as stable as others think from the outside.

I truly feel it is one of the hardest things to deal with. It is the one thing you can't get from someone outside the marriage and stay true to your vows.

 

I do think it is comparable to my first marriage where my xh abandoned his faith and religion. It is such an important part of my life that I often felt very unhappy. However I sucked it up and focused on the good parts of him and our life together. I would have never left him over it.

[Soror]

Fwiw Tap I think your perspective is invaluable. All too often in these type of threads there are only *happy* answers so it makes others feel wrong and defective if that isn't the case in their life. I think it can be much more productive and helpful to talk about difficulties than successes.

[goldberry]

nm

[Scarlett]

nm

I liked your post! Not sure why you deleted.

[Dandelion]

I liked your post! Not sure why you deleted.

 

Same here.  Your post was fine.  

[Tap]

I truly feel it is one of the hardest things to deal with. It is the one thing you can't get from someone outside the marriage and stay true to your vows.

 

I do think it is comparable to my first marriage where my xh abandoned his faith and religion. It is such an important part of my life that I often felt very unhappy. However I sucked it up and focused on the good parts of him and our life together. I would have never left him over it.

Thanks for that.  That was something I meant to mention but forgot to.  

 

I have a damaged back and an autoimmune disease.  I can't do some of the things that dh really loves.  So, I make sure he still has the opportunity to do them.  This summer, I took my vacation from work and some extra days, so he could go sailing for a week.  Every, year he takes several long weekends to go rafting or kayaking and I stay home to tend the kids and home.  I have 4 weeks vacation but he only has 2, so while he takes grand vacations on his 2 weeks, I stay home on mine and just spend time being a mom.  

 

I want him to have those things.  I work hard to make sure our vacations line up so he can go and do those things without worrying about kids and responsibilities.  I work every weekend so I have to take the time off if he is gone, to care for dd6.

 

BUT, like you said, he can get those desires filled without me.  It is neither appropriate or healthy for me to find others who can fill this void in my life.  I once had to turn down a very good job offer from a former coworker, because there was an obvious chemical attraction between us.  I knew it would be a very dangerous situation for me, so I walked away from the offer to not put myself in that situation.  

[goldberry]

I liked your post! Not sure why you deleted.

 

I posted after just reading the first few posts.  The thread took a different turn and I didn't want to seem unfeeling about the sadness in their marriages that people were open enough to post about.  I do have a very happy marraige (although we were near divorce at one point early on).  But I know it's hurtful to go on about that to someone who is unhappy.  I just felt a little awkward!

[Catwoman]

I posted after just reading the first few posts. The thread took a different turn and I didn't want to seem unfeeling about the sadness in their marriages that people were open enough to post about. I do have a very happy marraige (although we were near divorce at one point early on). But I know it's hurtful to go on about that to someone who is unhappy. I just felt a little awkward!

My feeling is that there will always be someone who is happier or sadder, richer or poorer, or healthier or unhealthier than any other given person, but everyone's feelings, concerns, and viewpoints are just as valuable as everyone else's, so there's no harm in posting your own experiences. Obviously, if someone does it to be mean or braggy or snarky, that's different, but your post was nothing like that, and I can't imagine that anyone would have taken it the wrong way.

[QueenCat]

That's so funny, I literally do that too when we finaly get to bed and he curls around me.  I give a big, deep, contented sigh settling in with my beloved.   No matter how my day has been, that constant is so comforting to me.

 

Me too........... my favorite part of the day.

[*Lulu*]

Happiness is elusive; it is temporary and situationally dependent.

 

Contentment on the other hand, well, it has some staying power.

 

That is what I think I failed to adequately express in my earlier post. I am not really worried about happiness, and my level of that emotion does not measure the stability or vitality of my marriage. I didn't answer the poll because I wasn't sure if happy meant loving, committed, and stable or if it meant overflowing with a particular emotion.

[goldberry]

My feeling is that there will always be someone who is happier or sadder, richer or poorer, or healthier or unhealthier than any other given person, but everyone's feelings, concerns, and viewpoints are just as valuable as everyone else's, so there's no harm in posting your own experiences. Obviously, if someone does it to be mean or braggy or snarky, that's different, but your post was nothing like that, and I can't imagine that anyone would have taken it the wrong way.

 

That's one of those things we should have a word for though - the post you make after reading only the first one, then realizing the thread went on for three more pages and your post is now irrelevant, has already been discussed, or has aready been refuted! 

 

Premature posting, maybe? ;)

[JustEm]

I put extremely happy because 99% of the time we are on the same page. And we've gotten to a point where when we aren't on the same page we talk about it and find a solution. We are both entirely attracted to the other both physically and mentally. We're affectionate and playful even when just doing simple things like doing the dishes.

 

I think his family doesn't think we're happy cause we they think we struggle financially since we choose to live frugally and don't focus on things. My family know we're happy.

 

Of course life is stressful so we're not always happy but that doesn't change our marriages status

[Georgiana Daniels]

Depends on your definition of happy.

 

Do we turn cartwheels at the end of the day because we're so happy? Not usually. But we have a good life together.

[QueenCat]

Depends on your definition of happy.

 

Do we turn cartwheels at the end of the day because we're so happy? Not usually. But we have a good life together.

 

If we did cartwheels at the end of the day, we'd end up in the ER :lol: .

[Georgiana Daniels]

If we did cartwheels at the end of the day, we'd end up in the ER :lol: .

 

*snort* right there with ya! We like to think we're agile, but.....

[Chelli]

Obviously, I only gave a snippet of information on my private life for thread and I will not go into vast detail about that part of my life because for one, this is not the appropriate place for it and two, my marriage of 24 years is far more vast that I want to try to explain online.   

 

Tap,

 

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your marriage with us. I am in your exact position and voted accordingly in the poll. My dh is not interested in tea with me either. It's not because he's not interested, but he takes care of that need himself (KWIM?). We're in the middle of our longest stretch yet....going on almost four and a half years of nothing physical in our marriage. It is deeply saddening to me, but I am committed to him and our children. There are many days though when I just want to leave. Not even to get remarried, but just to not have the constant reminder around that our marriage is not what it should be. Just like your marriage, everything else in our marriage is great, but that.

 

I just wanted to give you  :grouphug:  because I know exactly how you feel. Thank you for making me feel a little less alone today.

[Guest]

 

I think as far as divergent goals go:  You HAVE to come to some kind of compromise that BOTH people can live with. 

 

*shrug* Sometimes, you can't.

 

I wanted to have, adopt, or foster at least one more child. Dh did not/does not want to do so. He knows how I feel. We've discussed it for 9+ years. There is no compromise between having a child and not having a child. This is an argument he eventually "wins" by default, unless a miracle happens. Do I resent it? Yes. I have told him so point-blank. Am I going to divorce over it? Well, wouldn't that be pretty idiotic? He's still a good father to the 3 living children we have together. Am I going to divorce him ten years from now because of built-up resentment? It could happen, but it wouldn't solve anything. 

 

Not all problems can be solved. I think there's a fallacy of marriage out there that assumes that COMMUNICATION is the be-all. If you can just communicate that you want to have another child and if you can just communicate how fulfilling that would be and if you can just communicate that you want him to grab you and passionately throw you in the bed of the pick-up truck like a Cialis commercial...if you can just communicate your needs, he'll leap to meet them and we can all live in hunky-dory-land. It's bull. Sometimes you want white and he wants black and there is no grey. If the marriage has many problems, it might be a deal-breaker. If the marriage doesn't have many problems, you find a way to go along, like Tap was talking about. 

[Catwoman]

Sorry. Guess I've been on too many marriage boards where people have talked just like that to me. Too many people have quoted me though for me to delete it now. I guess I should just do what I do in real life and just keep my mouth shut.

 

Sorrynifmi've messed up this thread. I quit reading my smoking thread several pages back because once bill got involved it got nasty and I couldn't stand the people hurting their feelings.

 

See this is why I have such a hard time ever saying what I think for fear hubby or someone else will take itmthemwrong way. It is easier to stay silent and have everyone love you.

 

TAP I'm glad you didn't take offence.

Don't worry about it. If Tap was OK with it, we will all be OK with it. :)

 

As for your smoking thread, don't worry about that, either -- Bill was just being Bill, so even though people got annoyed, I can assure you that no one's feelings were hurt. I hope your feelings weren't hurt over there, though, as some of us were pretty rough on you.

[Tap]

Sorry. Guess I've been on too many marriage boards where people have talked just like that to me. Too many people have quoted me though for me to delete it now. I guess I should just do what I do in real life and just keep my mouth shut.

 

Sorrynifmi've messed up this thread. I quit reading my smoking thread several pages back because once bill got involved it got nasty and I couldn't stand the people hurting their feelings.

 

See this is why I have such a hard time ever saying what I think for fear hubby or someone else will take itmthemwrong way. It is easier to stay silent and have everyone love you.

 

TAP I'm glad you didn't take offence.

No offense taken.  I am one of those people who would have to be hit on the head with a stick to get offended.  LOL  I knew that I was opening myself up to any comment that could be thrown at me and honestly, that was nothing to get worked up about. 

 

I said myself,   that I may or may not be around after the kids are grown.  You were just wording it more bluntly.  No worries.  I appreciate that you are trying to offer help and see your responses as such.  We are just way farther down the road than you realize.  It is not an marriage issue that can easily be imagined,  if you don't have it to bear.  Solutions seem simple, but it isn't an "I will fix this problem".  It is a man's most basic desire that just isn't there.  You can't 'fix' that.

[LMV]

I'm not sure how to answer….

 

I love my husband.  He is adorable, athletic articulate, intelligent, kind, musically talented and generous.  He is also an amazing father---what is not to love? Passion is alive and well.  I enjoy spending time with him.  We still go out at times without the kids and have fun but I also enjoy just making dinner together, going horseback riding with him and the kids or those nights when we just take the baby monitor outside and go for a swim after the girls are in bed.  Since I first realized he loved me I've never doubted that reality.  His words and actions reinforce that daily.  I suspect from the outside looking in we appear very happy and very blessed with a nice home and beautiful children.  Living our lives is a bit messier.

 

In many ways and at many times we find happiness and joy and even some pride in our lives.  We've also struggled a lot over the nearly twenty years we've been married.  We've survived the loss of my father, one of our daughters, his original best friend, and his beloved grandmother.  We've made it through some quite difficult and scary health problems with several of our children, the challenges of foster parenting, and now adopting through foster care.  At times I think we've had to work to find our happiness (or at least acknowledge that it existed amidst the pain and struggle).  Somehow we've made it together this far and I don't see either of us letting go at this point. I think we accepted that life just wasn't meant to be easy for us years ago and that's given us a better perspective to work with.  If you ask me if I feel blessed to have the family I have and if appreciate the love and support that has always been there I would certainly say yes.  That just isn't always synonymous with extremely happy I suppose.

[Prairie~Phlox]

I voted extremely happy, but could have gone with just happy. Idk. There are moments when money is tight and it's more stressful, but overall I live my dh with all my heart and I know he's a faithful husband. We are emotionally and physically together on things and make sure the physical attraction is a high priority. Dh makes me feel young, and we love just goofing off with our kids.

[Negin]

Things are very tough for us -- my dh has Alzheimer's Disease. He is extremely happy, which is a huge blessing. He is extremely kind, loving, tries to help, etc. I am frequently unhappy with the effects of his disease, but I am not unhappy with him. 

:grouphug:

[Desert Strawberry]

We have had a rocky marriage, but we have come through the other side. I said we are happy, because while we are, we have never been crazy in love types. 

I try to always project a positive image of my husband and marriage. He is a Moody guy, not social. I feel like I should be his ambassador to the world, that everyone can see him as I do.

I said that people see us as happy. 

[Santi]

I put extremely happy. I wouldn't describe my whole life as extremely happy as a lot of the time I'm very unhappy, but that's not at all because of my marriage. Dh has been the best part of my life for a long time. I'm pretty sure people know our marriage is good considering we're usually the annoying pda couple.

[Sisyphus]

I didn't vote, and I don't want to talk about my marriage. But I am extremely grateful to have checked this board, clicked on this thread despite thinking it would just make me blue, and finding Tap and others posts. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for that.

[treestarfae]

I'm thrilled with the fact that I am married! I think it helps that I have a lot of pride in being a "wife"

 

To sum up our experience so far- I doubt we're role models for perfection but we're comfortable and know each other pretty well.

 

I think we're too lazy or mellow to fight and divorce ha ha ha! Forget all that fuss. We're still making each other laugh.

 

 

[readinmom]

This topic reminded me of the scene from Sex and the City.  They are talking about relationships and happiness, and Charlotte says that she is happy every single day. Her answer seemed to amaze everyone else.  Some people just have that happiness within and it is contagious.