If somebody needed to tell you that you snore so loudly...

[AimeeM]

that they can't sleep in the bedroom with you, how could they word it without offending you?

 

Difficult position. We've managed to find a safe sleeping arrangement for DS1; we've purchased a pet gate and screwed/drilled it securely to the foot of our bed and the wall, made him a nice soft pallet on the floor next to my side of the bed, put safety latches on the dresser drawer (so he can't open them and use them to scale the nightstand/dresser at the head of his area).

 

... but, the past several nights I've had to head back to Older Son's bedroom with my youngest. The issues? My husband's snoring. I'm quite used to it, but the babe is constantly being woke up by it (and I cannot expect him to sleep through it; it took me YEARS to get used to it). This puts me in a position of having to get up with the babe, soothe him, put him back down... and then do it all over again the next time he's woken up (half a dozen times a night).

 

My husband badly wants me back in the bed... but I'm not sure I can do this. I sleep so much better on the floor in another room, than I do in the bed with him, during this season of our lives. When I try to sleep in the bed, I spend the time I could be sleeping, dreading the snore that will inevitably wake up the baby. I can't help it.

 

I would really, really rather not be offensive (because I adore the man to pieces and would never want to hurt his feelings), but I'm not sure how to get around it. He knows he snores, but he doesn't know this is the reason I've been moving the youngest back to Older Son's room every night (before DS1 wakes up).

 

(and no, I can't put DS1 in my older son's room without me - the reason we finally moved him to a pallet - or attempted to - in our room is because DS1 wakes up early and will scale the toy box, the book case... which is secured, but he could still fall off it... and climbs onto Older Son's bed and jumps on him until he wakes up to play...)

[Catwoman]

Just be honest.

 

You aren't attacking him as a person. You are simply stating the facts. You don't think less of him because he snores, and I'm sure he will realize that.

 

Perhaps a doctor could figure out why he's snoring, and help him solve the problem.

 

Either way, you're doing yourself and your child a disservice by not being honest with your dh. If I was keeping people awake at night, I would want to know about it.

 

Also, if your dh keeps waking up and finding you in another room, he may start thinking you're simply not attracted to him any more, rather than realizing it's really only because of his snoring. (In other words, you may be hurting his feelings by trying not to hurt his feelings! :))

[VeganCupcake]

I would just tell him, kindly. It is what it is.

 

My DH has sleep apnea and without his CPAP, he snores terribly. Before he got his CPAP, I often left in the middle of the night and slept elsewhere, so it was no secret.

 

I think I would suggest a sleep study for him. Many people who snore really terribly have apnea, aren't feeling rested, and they would feel a lot better if they got treatment.

 

ETA: when I say I slept elsewhere, I meant in another room in our house, not another location altogether. :lol:

[Tammyla]

I would be honest with him and have some information about possible solutions you would like him to try ready. 

 

You will all be happier if everyone is sleeping good at night.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I honestly can't imagine my husband being so fragile and sensitive that I couldn't say that to him. You need to tell him and you need to get him in for a sleep study. I'm married to a man who doesn't fit the sleep apnea "profile" at all, but snored horribly and had a really bad sleep study. The CPAP turned things around for both of us. I thought I was used to the snoring, but I felt more rested after he started using the CPAP.

[Anne]

Another vote for being honest and approaching it as a health issue.  A sleep study might very well save his life and could certainly improve the quality of life for the whole family!

 

Anne

[zoobie]

I'd also be worried about his health. And DH would be worried about my sanity. No sleep for me = crazy town. I wouldn't try to word it any other way than factually. You don't think he's a big, smelly goon. You just need to sleep!

[HRAAB]

Tell him kindly that you are worried about his health.  He could have sleep apnea which can attribute to many health risks.  Suggest that he check with doctor and maybe have a sleep study.

 

I would nudge or wake my dh frequently though the night when his snoring was so loud the was shaking.  Finally he asked his doctor, had a sleep study, found he had sleep apnea and got a CPAP.  What a wonderful difference - the best being that he feels better and more rested in the morning.  If he hadn't seen the report, he would never have believed how many apnea events he was having every hour.  The secondary effect is I can sleep now.  I seriously would have had to move into another bedroom on the other side of the house from him.

 

It really can be a serious health issue.  I suppose you could record him so he could hear how badly he snores.  I thought about it myself.

[bettyandbob]

Your dh needs to see an ear, nose and throat specialist. He needs a sleep study. He may need his tonsils and adenoids out. He may also need to use a CPAP or BiPAP. 

 

He's not getting enough oxygen when he sleeps. He most likely isn't getting enough sleep. The problem has probably gone on long enough that he doesn't know what a real night's sleep feels like. It is seriously affecting his health. If he doesn't follow through with medical evaluations and insists it is your issue not his, then he is letting it affect your marriage. 

[sassenach]

If your dh is that loud, he's probably dying slowly of sleep apnea. You need to say something for the sale of his health.

[AimeeM]

.

[AimeeM]

If your dh is that loud, he's probably dying slowly of sleep apnea. You need to say something for the sale of his health.

I don't know that it's super *loud* or that it's the randomness and suddenness of it (going from complete quiet to random loud snores), lol.

 

I'll work on the sleep study or specialist with him.

 

His doctor isn't willing to give a referral; while we're waiting for him to *make time* to see my doctor, what specialist exactly should we look for?

 

He is overweight too. He is working on THAT part and doing well, but he's mentioned wanting to see somebody about that too (I think to make sure he's doing it safely).

[AimeeM]

Your dh needs to see an ear, nose and throat specialist. He needs a sleep study. He may need his tonsils and adenoids out. He may also need to use a CPAP or BiPAP. 

 

He's not getting enough oxygen when he sleeps. He most likely isn't getting enough sleep. The problem has probably gone on long enough that he doesn't know what a real night's sleep feels like. It is seriously affecting his health. If he doesn't follow through with medical evaluations and insists it is your issue not his, then he is letting it affect your marriage.

Oh, he doesn't think it's my problem at all! He knows he snores (and loudly). He in no way infers that I should just deal with it - he just makes known that he misses me badly in the bed. I didn't mean to infer otherwise. I'm sorry :(

[Catwoman]

If your dh is that loud, he's probably dying slowly of sleep apnea. You need to say something for the sale of his health.

I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that Aimee's husband is "dying slowly," when none of us knows exactly what is going on. :glare:

 

I do agree that she needs to say something and that he needs to see a specialist about it, though.

[VeganCupcake]

Do you need a referral because of your insurance? You might just be able to schedule a sleep study directly through a sleep clinic. It seems to me that fewer insurance plans are requiring referrals. I think I made the appointment at the sleep clinic for my DH (it's been 5.5 years, so I don't remember exactly)--it was just time for someone to get moving with it!

 

I would phrase it in the sense that it's for the best for him. I think it's less of a sensitive subject than weight, personally.

 

The randomness of the snoring may be even more indicative of apnea--more gasping and snorting for air than just vibration of the palate and stuff.

[Evergreen State Sue]

I think you need to find another solution for your DS1.  Can he sleep with your other son, and then you set your alarm to wake up about when he would wake up?  Can he sleep in another room?  Can you move the dangerous toys out of the sleeping area?  I think you need to make your marriage a priority and support your husband while he figures out how to deal with his sleep apnea and how to lose the weight.  Sleeping with your children in another room sends the wrong message to your husband. 

[AlmiraGulch]

Snoring loudly is not necessarily apnea, and and needing to lose weight is a separate issue entirely (although they can, of course, be connected).

 

My MIL has apnea and is and always has been quite thin.

 

I am a loud snorer, and always have been. It is not weight related, nor do I have apnea.

 

DH has apnea and is about 25 - 30 pounds overweight. 

 

DH has a CPAP and I get angry when he doesn't use it.  First,  apnea is a medical condition and not a character flaw.  The device is as necessary to him as insulin would be for a diabetic (you get what I mean).  Second, when he doesn't use it, neither of us sleeps.  Even if he isn't snoring particularly loud he flips and flops and tosses and turns everyt time he has to gasp for air, which is a lot.  Not using the device knowing that it negatively affects him and his spouse is a problem. 

 

If your DH knows he has this issue, it is his responibility to take care of it.  It's so stigmatized, for some reason, but it needn't be.  He just needs to do it.  His quality of life, and yours, depends on it.

 

 

[EKS]

Be honest and strongly encourage him to have a sleep study done.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Has his snoring worsened as he's gained weight? Or has he always snored this badly? It may help him to know that the weight gain and snoring likely go hand in hand. Poor-quality sleep is absolutely connected to increased weight gain. 

 

As others have said, I would be gently honest with him. If I were in your shoes, I'd reassure him in as many ways as I could that I do not feel turned off by, disgusted by, or frustrated with him, but that I am concerned for his health and want to help and support him as much as possible. In the meantime, I also need to worry about my own health and the baby's, hence this temporary arrangement. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but he is an adult, and he needs to be upfront with himself about his health issues, especially because they also affect you and the little one. 

 

It sounds like you're being very helpful and supportive. I don't think you'll be doing him (or anyone else) any favors by continuing to hide all of this. 

[AimeeM]

I think you need to find another solution for your DS1.  Can he sleep with your other son, and then you set your alarm to wake up about when he would wake up?  Can he sleep in another room?  Can you move the dangerous toys out of the sleeping area?  I think you need to make your marriage a priority and support your husband while he figures out how to deal with his sleep apnea and how to lose the weight.  Sleeping with your children in another room sends the wrong message to your husband.

No, he can't sleep elsewhere. We have NOWHERE to move the very limited furniture in older son's room. We live in a small cottage style home and all of the rooms are currently filled and in use... there is nowhere else for ds1 to go.

and after already one skull fracture with our youngest, we cannot risk that he would wake up in the middle of the night and decide to climb something.

 

My marriage is my priority, but it would be downright neglectful of me to ignore very serious safety issues with one of the children (and my husband wholeheartedly agrees; he misses me in bed, but his primary concern is for the safety of the children).

 

ETA: and it isn't dangerous toys in older son's room - those are put away, up high, every evening before I go to bed (it takes me every bit of 30 minutes to make sure that there are no legos in hidden corners) - it's furniture. There are only a few pieces of furniture in the room, but they can't be moved out.

[Rosie_0801]

I think you need to find another solution for your DS1.  Can he sleep with your other son, and then you set your alarm to wake up about when he would wake up?  Can he sleep in another room?  Can you move the dangerous toys out of the sleeping area?  I think you need to make your marriage a priority and support your husband while he figures out how to deal with his sleep apnea and how to lose the weight.  Sleeping with your children in another room sends the wrong message to your husband. 

 

I think it sends the right message to her husband. Her basic need for sleep trumps his desire to have her back in bed without having to pursue a solution to the problem.

[AimeeM]

Has his snoring worsened as he's gained weight? Or has he always snored this badly? It may help him to know that the weight gain and snoring likely go hand in hand. Poor-quality sleep is absolutely connected to increased weight gain. 

 

As others have said, I would be gently honest with him. If I were in your shoes, I'd reassure him in as many ways as I could that I do not feel turned off by, disgusted by, or frustrated with him, but that I am concerned for his health and want to help and support him as much as possible. In the meantime, I also need to worry about my own health and the baby's, hence this temporary arrangement. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but he is an adult, and he needs to be upfront with himself about his health issues, especially because they also affect you and the little one. 

 

It sounds like you're being very helpful and supportive. I don't think you'll be doing him (or anyone else) any favors by continuing to hide all of this.

Yes, it's worsened ten-fold since his weight gain. He has always snored a bit, but it was very easy to "live with" until a few years ago.

[AimeeM]

I think it sends the right message to her husband. Her basic need for sleep trumps his desire to have her back in bed without having to pursue a solution to the problem.

And Marco's need for sleep. He's a cranky little dude when he hasn't slept. :p

[AimeeM]

Do you need a referral because of your insurance? You might just be able to schedule a sleep study directly through a sleep clinic. It seems to me that fewer insurance plans are requiring referrals. I think I made the appointment at the sleep clinic for my DH (it's been 5.5 years, so I don't remember exactly)--it was just time for someone to get moving with it!

 

I would phrase it in the sense that it's for the best for him. I think it's less of a sensitive subject than weight, personally.

 

The randomness of the snoring may be even more indicative of apnea--more gasping and snorting for air than just vibration of the palate and stuff.

It's my understanding that he DOES need a referral.

Now, his company was recently bought out and apparently we're switching to a better insurance in September or October?

Regardless, after his doctor's comment and brush off, I'm working on getting him to switch GPs altogether.

[Tammyla]

If I'm remembering right, your ds is not able to sleep elsewhere because of a very serious head injury and his inclination towards danger when not closely monitored. 

 

My idea of helping your dh hear his problem may be controversial, but here goes.  Record him and let him hear just how loud and disturbing it is.  Do you think that might help him seek another opinion from a different doctor?  His doctor sounds pretty lousy umo. 

 

 

 I know what it is like to try sleeping in the same room with a loud snorer; it's impossible.  I think you are a dear to start the night out in the room with him btw. 

[AimeeM]

If I'm remembering right, your ds is not able to sleep elsewhere because of a very serious head injury and his inclination towards danger when not closely monitored. 

 

My idea of helping your dh hear his problem may be controversial, but here goes.  Record him and let him hear just how loud and disturbing it is.  Do you think that might help him seek another opinion from a different doctor?  His doctor sounds pretty lousy umo. 

 

 

 I know what it is like to try sleeping in the same room with a loud snorer; it's impossible.  I think you are a dear to start the night out in the room with him btw.

Yes, he did incur a serious skull fracture that required hospitalization... and he is VERY inclined to... er... adventure, lol. That little voice that says "hey! don't do that! it's dangerous!" doesn't seem to be in his ear quite yet (unless you count me yelling it from across the room, lol).

 

T knows he snores. He knows because I *have* told him. He doesn't know that it's the reason I've moved back in the other room with the babe, because he also knows that I had become rather used to it myself. He'll feel very badly when he hears that it's affecting the baby.

 

He's going to see another doctor. If I have to enlist his father's push, I will do so. I'll totally pull the daddy card, at this point.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I was the one who made the fragile and sensitive comment, and I think that came out less. . . well, sensitive. . than I intended it :)  I just mean that my DH and I are pretty open and frank with each other, and I could easily say to him, 'Hey, your snoring wakes up the baby.  That's why I haven't come back to bed," and he'd take it at face value and we'd deal with it.  I didn't mean to imply that your DH was going to break down in tears or anything.  I'm sorry if that came off snotty!

 

I do think you're going to have to be direct.   His snoring disrupts the sleep of others in the house.  That's a FACT.  You and the baby sleep better in another room.  That's a FACT.  You're not saying these things to hurt him or kick him when he's down.  You're stating, in a factual way, that his snoring is disruptive to the household and it's really time to do something about it.  Couch it in between lots of "I love you" and "I want to be back in the bed with you too" and "gee won't it be great when we can sleep together again"  to soften it as needed ;)

 

You might need an Rx to get a sleep study, but you may not need a referral from your primary care provider to see a specialist.  You'll have to check with your insurance.  I know ours allows us to just go directly to the specialist.  Quit waiting for him to make time.  Schedule an appointment a few weeks out, call him up and say, "Hey, you have an appt this day.  Let's have lunch and make a date of it!"

 

And, most importantly, he will probably find the weight loss is much easier if he's sleeping better.  Not only will his body function better and be less stressed, he'll have the energy to do something about it.   Stress that to him as well.  "You're tired.  It's hard to manage things like this when you aren't sleeping well.  Let's manage the sleep issue FIRST and go from there."

 

[AimeeM]

And, most importantly, he will probably find the weight loss is much easier if he's sleeping better.  Not only will his body function better and be less stressed, he'll have the energy to do something about it.   Stress that to him as well.  "You're tired.  It's hard to manage things like this when you aren't sleeping well.  Let's manage the sleep issue FIRST and go from there."

This is a great point. I know he's too exhausted to see straight half the time, much less exercise! He's taking pains to eat better, but at this point in his weight gain, he needs to be able to exercise too. His office has a nice gym that he's entitled to use - he's just too tired. He spends most evening falling asleep shortly after dinner (and often sleeps well into the day on weekends).

 

I agree, I think, that if he can figure out a way to sleep better at night, he'll have a much easier time losing weight.

 

... and that's a great approach. Thank you!

[BigMamaBird]

It's not offensive to say "Dear, I love you but I can't sleep due to your snoring."   My Dh and I had the same issue.  He lost 30 lbs. and it has become drastically better!

[Jann in TX]

I have my own bedroom because DH snores. 

DH knows exactly what surgery he needs.  He has opted for 2 other procedures instead.  The first procedure worked for about 10 years-- until he gained 30 pounds.  The second procedure (not as invasive) helps is daily breathing but has made no impact on the snoring.  Even the Dr that did the second procedure told DH he NEEDED the surgury he refuses to have!

 

BTH-- our middle dd had the surgery DH needs.  She is so much better off for it (sleeping, health, and mental health).  DH was fine with her having it--but he is a BIG BABY...  he has severe apnea and there currently there is not a CPAP that fits his face...  He is councerned and I am concerned.

 

I LOVE my husband very much--but to say that by me not sleeping next to him I'm somehow not supporting him is crazy.  MY health (physical and mental) was SUFFERING due to lack of sleep.  Earplugs are not an option, fans/whitenoise ARE being used but DH is loud.  The staff at his last sleep study said it was a good thing I was not sleeping next to him-- my hearing could be seriously damaged!!!

 

DH and I try to have pillow/tea/ time as much as possible--but he goes to sleep much later than I do (I get up 2 hours before he needs to)...

 

We have been married over 28 years.

 

DH says he wants to lose weight--but he just cannot give up 2-3 sodas each day-- and his nightly bowl of icecream... (sugar free is NOT an option).  UGG.

[G5052]

Be prepared for push-back.

 

I do OK with earplugs and a noise machine now, but medical solutions would be better in the long run for everyone involved.  When we had little ones that would cry out at night, I took a nap every afternoon so that I could survive the little guys and the snoring because earplugs were not an option then.

 

 

[Danestress]

First, it seems to me that in this case, the truth is the least hurtful explanation for why one's wife is sleeping seperately.

 

Secondly, I think you need to take some of the emotional content out of this. "I simply can't sleep with the snoring," is being factual. If he chooses to be hurt by that, that is on him, but honestly he sounds like a reasonable man. You can't sleep. He obviously loves you, so I think if he hears that as a fact, he might be sad, but he will understand you.

 

Finally, everyone makes choices. He chooses not to adress the possible medical reason for the snoring. Now you can choose whether or not to suffer with your own and the baby's sleeplessness. I wouldn't. My husband wouldn't want me too, and I bet yours will feel the same way.

 

Finally, my very fit, athletic husband had apnea. The sleep machine has so improved our lives. I still use earplugs, though.

[Evergreen State Sue]

No, he can't sleep elsewhere. We have NOWHERE to move the very limited furniture in older son's room. We live in a small cottage style home and all of the rooms are currently filled and in use... there is nowhere else for ds1 to go.

and after already one skull fracture with our youngest, we cannot risk that he would wake up in the middle of the night and decide to climb something.

 

My marriage is my priority, but it would be downright neglectful of me to ignore very serious safety issues with one of the children (and my husband wholeheartedly agrees; he misses me in bed, but his primary concern is for the safety of the children).

 

ETA: and it isn't dangerous toys in older son's room - those are put away, up high, every evening before I go to bed (it takes me every bit of 30 minutes to make sure that there are no legos in hidden corners) - it's furniture. There are only a few pieces of furniture in the room, but they can't be moved out.

 

There is a season in our life as wife and mother where the children need more attention than our husband.  This sounds like you are in that season of your life as your youngest has special needs to make sure he is safe.  You also need to make sure both you and your son get enough sleep so you are able to care for him.  Since you say your husband wholeheartedly agrees, then I'm sure if you explain to him why you need to make other sleeping arrangements, he will accept that.  You sound like a very caring and loving wife and mother.  I didn't mean to imply otherwise in my previous message.  I hope this will only be for a short time as your son grows up and you can trust him not to get into dangerous situations.  My comments come from my experience with both a child I had to gate off at night to keep safe and also a husband who snores, was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and now uses a CPAP machine.  One thing I will add, I got used to his snoring, and now I have gotten used to the sound of his CPAP machine.  Perhaps in time your son will too, but please do what you think is best for your family.  God Bless.

 

[kiwik]

Keep working on a doctor who isn't so dismissive. Good luck. And could you all go for a short stroll after dinner - just 10 mins fresh air and gentle exercise a day is a start.

[sassenach]

I don't know that it's super *loud* or that it's the randomness and suddenness of it (going from complete quiet to random loud snores), lol.

 

 

That's classic sleep apnea.  

 

Dying slowly was a dramatic way of making a very true statement.  SA causes heart damage.  I'd continue to pursue that referral (and what a j@ckass of a doctor for not making the referral).  In the meantime, sweet honesty is all that you can give your dh.  You need sleep.  Your son needs sleep.  Your dh needs a sleep study and a cpap.

[Evergreen State Sue]

I LOVE my husband very much--but to say that by me not sleeping next to him I'm somehow not supporting him is crazy. 

 

My apologies if what I wrote to the op implied that any wife who didn't sleep with their husband in the same room didn't support their husband who is suffering with sleep issues.  I realize there are many circumstances which would necessitate separate bedrooms.  The need for sleep is probably at the top and I fully support that.  It is very difficult to watch a loved one not get the medical help they need.  I understand you love him very much, and you are respecting his decision not to seek medical attention.  You are dealing with it in the best way you can.  I commend you for that.   Again, I'm sorry for upsetting you for what I'm sure is a difficult situation for you.

 

[soufflegirl]

I'd have no issue elbowing him in the ribs at 2am and saying "Dude, you're not breathing. Do something about it or I wash my hands of this nonsense." I'm so not sympathetic when I'm sleep deprived...

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I'd have no issue elbowing him in the ribs at 2am and saying "Dude, you're not breathing. Do something about it or I wash my hands of this nonsense." I'm so not sympathetic when I'm sleep deprived...

 

You are eloquent though! Here it would be, "Dude...snoring...roll over...stop..." :D

[Ottakee]

I agree with the others that he needs a sleep study ASAP.

 

That said, maybe you could look into renting one of those special needs bed for the little one.  They have a mattress that is surrounded on all 4 sides by high walls made of mat type material.  They are movable and the same size as a regular bed but they sit on the floor.  It might be that a medical supply place would rent one to you for a while.

 

We did a crib tent and that worked great for our one that was super active.  I don't know if you have tried that or not.

 

This is not the type I mentioned above but here is something I found right away when I googled beds for autistic kids.  I know you aren't dealing with autism but they are notorious for poor sleep and being able to escape just about anything and everything.

 

http://www.thesafetysleeper.com/aboutus.html

[Garga]

My dh has sleep apnea, has the cpap, KNOWS that he snores, falls to sleep without the cpap on, but still gets sensitive when I wake him to tell him to put it on. I don't know what his problem is, but feel your pain OP. I have yet to find a way to talk to him about it without him getting "hurt." Drives me batty. I think it's because he's sensitive about his weight, as is yours, and any mention, no matter how much of a stretch, to anything about his weight makes him sensitive.

[LucyStoner]

Get a new doctor.

 

Lack of sleep/poor quality sleep contributes greatly to difficultly in losing weight. Getting treatment for sleep apnea could have many, many benefits.

[Mom0012]

I haven't read the whole thread, but did someone recommend white noise, like a loud fan? That's what finally resolved things between me and my dh. It took a short while to get used to, but it works like a charm.

[T'smom]

Only thought that hasn't already been mentioned.....could you make a place in the closet of the boys room? Put a mattress inside and a gate across the door?

 

Even if something like that worked though....your dh still needs a sleep study.

[AimeeM]

Only thought that hasn't already been mentioned.....could you make a place in the closet of the boys room? Put a mattress inside and a gate across the door?

 

Even if something like that worked though....your dh still needs a sleep study.

The closets aren't big enough, unfortunately. (no walk in closet)

[Garga]

I'm the poster with the dh who is sensitive about his snorning. I just read upthread that someone suggested recording the snoring to let your dh hear it.

 

I tried that and it upset my dh. He wouldn't listen to it and got offended that I recorded it. Not angry or mean, just sad. He took it completely the wrong way. In this issue, he is simply not reasonable. I was surprised and told him I would want to know if it was me, but he did not feel the same way.

 

Record the snores with caution.

[texasmama]

Gently stated, because I see that you are a loving wife and mother trying to make the best of a bad situation.

 

Your keeping this secret from your dh is causing relationship issues in and of itself.   It is generally not best to protect an emotionally healthy adult's feelings in this manner, even if your motives are to avoid hurt feelings.  It places an unfair burden on you and does not respect his ability to manage the situation or respond to your concerns and the practical and marital issues that this has created.  It is not a respectful approach to hide your reasons for leaving your bed.

 

I believe that honesty with your dh will provide the opportunity for a solution that has not yet been forthcoming and may release a dam of pent-up feelings in both of you, leading to a positive resolution.  You both sound like caring people who are invested in your marriage and family so this is the likely end to this issue.  Although the initial confrontation may be very difficult for both of you, it also takes a great deal of energy to hide information as you have been and, for him, to deal with the other potential reasons why you may not be in bed with him and his feelings around that.

 

Again, all this is said gently because I can "feel" the conflict inside you as you open your situation up for feedback.  (((hugs))) and I hope you are able to address this soon.

[JessReplanted]

My husband can snore really horribly too. We use a white noise sound machine and I use ear plugs - and there are still some nights when I have to wake him up and ask him to roll over. 

[Parrothead]

Your husband's doctor is an idiot. Find him a new doctor before his health is ruined by said idiot.

 

If your dh couldn't figure that out on his own without getting his feelings hurt by what the doctor said, you have a problem on your hands.

 

Instead of making ultimatums be a supporting wife and help with diet and exercise. Eliminate all the crap food in your house, be enthusiastic about exercise. Do what you can as a family. Keep your dh motivated to lose the weight.

 

If you demand anything, have him see a doctor that isn't a quack. I'd recommend a functional medicine or naturopath doctor. They are least likely to want to pump him full of diet aides. Unless there is an underlying medical condition that contributed to the weight gain, there isn't much else a doctor can do to help with weight loss except push pharmaceuticals, if there is an underlying problem he will want a doctor who will check thyroid, hormone and other levels. He will probably want to rule out any food intolerances that dh may not be aware of and address any vitamin and mineral deficiencies.

 

Be upfront, yet kind, about the snoring. Let him know this is a stage in your life. Your ds won't be a pill forever. I would ask if you've considered that perhaps ds doesn't sleep well because he has learned you will come to him and comfort and soothe? Why isn't he in a crib? If anything consider bringing him back to your room so you can be closer but don't pick him up. Don't make waking up fun. He will probably learn to sleep through the noise and sleep through the night. You really want ds to learn there is nothing exciting or worth doing in the middle of the night.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Another vote for being honest and approaching it as a health issue.  A sleep study might very well save his life and could certainly improve the quality of life for the whole family!

 

Anne

 

Agreeing.

[AimeeM]

Your husband's doctor is an idiot. Find him a new doctor before his health is ruined by said idiot.

 

If your dh couldn't figure that out on his own without getting his feelings hurt by what the doctor said, you have a problem on your hands.

 

Instead of making ultimatums be a supporting wife and help with diet and exercise. Eliminate all the crap food in your house, be enthusiastic about exercise. Do what you can as a family. Keep your dh motivated to lose the weight.

 

If you demand anything, have him see a doctor that isn't a quack. I'd recommend a functional medicine or naturopath doctor. They are least likely to want to pump him full of diet aides. Unless there is an underlying medical condition that contributed to the weight gain, there isn't much else a doctor can do to help with weight loss except push pharmaceuticals, if there is an underlying problem he will want a doctor who will check thyroid, hormone and other levels. He will probably want to rule out any food intolerances that dh may not be aware of and address any vitamin and mineral deficiencies.

 

Be upfront, yet kind, about the snoring. Let him know this is a stage in your life. Your ds won't be a pill forever. I would ask if you've considered that perhaps ds doesn't sleep well because he has learned you will come to him and comfort and soothe? Why isn't he in a crib? If anything consider bringing him back to your room so you can be closer but don't pick him up. Don't make waking up fun. He will probably learn to sleep through the noise and sleep through the night. You really want ds to learn there is nothing exciting or worth doing in the middle of the night.

I am trying to force my hand at seeing a new doctor.

My husband is very intelligent and there is no "problem" with him not realizing that his doctor is an idiot - but did get deflated when told he wouldn't refer him out.

I'm making him an appt next week to see my own GP (not a naturopath, but a doctor who does everything in his power to find natural remedies and helps before suggesting pharmaceuticals - he's a really great guy).

 

We aren't going to allow the youngest to cry it out and we aren't proponents of any type of sleep training method or self soothing method - this is something that my husband is just as adamant about as I am. He isn't in the crib because we took it down the night we found him hanging over the side of it (he was pulling his upper body up and using his feet to monkey to the top) - we've already had one skull fracture and we aren't going to knowingly put him in the crib when it isn't safe (the crib came down that same night).

 

ETA: I should mention that when sleeping with me in Older Son's bedroom, my youngest sleeps on his own pallet next to mine; he only wakes about once around 2 or 3 to nurse for a minute and maybe once more just whimpering (which only requires a pat on the back)... which is why I had to move him back into Older Son's bedroom... in the bedroom with my husband, he's waking up essentially every time there's a sudden loud noise (i.e. snore). I often fall asleep to music or the television in the background, so he's used to consistent noise - it seems to be the sudden snores that jolt him awake (and I can't expect him to simply get used to that - it took ME years to get used to).

 

I believe the type of referral my husband is interested in is some type of nutritionist - even just a recommendation would make me happy right now. We know that he's AT LEAST borderline diabetic... I would like to know (as would my husband) that his diet method is safe.