Who do you think is responsible here?

[catz]

 

I wouldn't expect the typical 13/14 year old to pull out a piece of paper and start writing an apology letter to the car owner. I would expect them to at least say "I'm sorry Mrs. ..., I didn't mean it/see the car/whatever" to the OP when they slammed the door, or at least when they saw the OP write the note. It doesn't change whether or not the girl's family should pay, but it is not beyond the capability of your average 13/14 year old.

 

Meh - plenty of kids in this age range struggle with interactions with adults. That is an unusual situation for a kid this age to be in. Was it right? No. Would I correct my child if they did this? Absolutely and they would be punished. Does it make this kid "bad" intrinsically? No. Kids do and say stupid things impulsively. There is a reason kids are considered minors until at least 18. They're still in training for adulthood until at least that age. People were praising the OP for leaving a note. Plenty of ADULTS would not take responsibility. Kudos for the OP for doing so.

 

I still think the driver/owner should be aware of the position of the car in relation to other cars. I literally remind my kids about this many times per week and we have a mini-van. They are not used to wide swinging car doors at all. Should the kid have been more careful? Sure. Should the OP been more mindful? Yes. I don't see it as a 100% thing. I would mention it to the parents, but I'd expect nothing.

[Shellydon]

 

But she was getting INTO the car -- the vehicle she damaged was right there.

 

 

I do it both for getting in and out. My kids don't open the doors unless we are not near another vehicle. If I am parked between two other cars, they wait until I can open it.

[8circles]

This has been an eye opener.

Were it my own child in the car with me, I would expect them to pay for it. That's part of parenting IMO.

 

The fact that it isn't your child changes things. You have taken on the responsibility for this child while you are carpooling & thus you are responsible for handling this accident. It doesn't matter that it wasn't your fault - it wasn't necessarily the 14 yr-old's fault either. It was an accident. Nothing in the story even hints at it being more than an accident. Not being careful enough to avoid a problem doesn't mean it isn't an accident. Every car door feels different, its easy to misjudge distance between vehicles, etc. Accident.

 

You, as the responsible adult, are responsible. You, not being the child's parent, don't have the right to ask the child to pay. I'm sorry that this happened but it really just sounds like an accident. Hopefully it won't cost you much.

[Danestress]

I think 14 years is plenty of time to train a child how to open a car door. I can't imagine having my 14 year old boys wait while I open it for them. 14 year olds are competent people! Really, they can be careful and responsible. I might feel differently with a special needs 14 year old.

 

If I were the parent, I would expect to pay the damage and would not expect the person to file with insurance. I would not expect them to take an insurance hit over this. How my child compensates me would be between me and my child, but I would pay up front.

 

As the driver, I would let the other parent know what happened. I always think parents have a right to know these things. I truly think they ought to cover it, but I would not insist in it or even ask. I could be wrong, but I think most of my friends would agree that this is the 14 year old's responsibility.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I am really shocked that there are people who think the OP is in any way at fault in this. I don't think badly of the kid in question, I don't think the way she handled it was particularly unusual for a young teen, I don't think she used unusual force or was negligent in handling her door. I just think it was an accident. I've certainly done my share of kissing bumpers and dinging doors in parking lots, and I'm an adult. That said, if anything my child does, intentionally or unintentionally, causes someone else to incur damages, I would completely expect to pay for them myself (whether or not I had her work it off would depend on the situation). If my kid dropped someone else's iPad or spilled on someone else's cell phone, I would never dream of telling the owner that it was partially their responsibility for lending it to my child or leaving it on the table at co-op. If someone loaned my child a bike and she damaged it, I would never imagine the person who loaned it to her to be in any way at fault for choosing to loan it to her. If my kid causes the damage, it's my responsibility to make it right.

 

I don't know if I'd flat out ask her parents to pay for the damage--I think it would depend on my relationship with them--but it would certainly affect my opinion of those parents if they didn't attempt to take responsibility for the cost their child incurred, and would probably affect my relationship with them. I think I would probably dissolve the carpool, unfortunately, because I wouldn't be comfortable taking that much responsibility, both financial and physical, when other people's children are involved.

[katilac]

When I park my tank, I don't allow my children to open the doors unless their are no cars near me. When I pull in between two cars I announce "DO NOT open the doors. I will come get you." I then make sure the door does not hit another vehicle. So, that said, I would say 50/50. As the driver, I would have warned about the proximity of the other cars before my car came to a complete halt.

 

 

I do it both for getting in and out. My kids don't open the doors unless we are not near another vehicle. If I am parked between two other cars, they wait until I can open it.

 

 

How old are your kids? I cannot imagine telling teenagers to wait for me to open their door!

 

I'm surprised at how many people think the OP is at fault for parking 'too close' to the other car. I'm in the 'burbs of a not-so-big city, and there aren't any parking spaces, anywhere, that would make it impossible to hit the car next to you. It doesn't sound like there was anything to 'warn' the passenger about.

 

And surprised as well by so many people talking about about the girl as a 'child' who should have been more closely 'supervised' by the adult giving her a ride. The day my 14-yr-old requires supervision to get in and out of cars is the day she is just going to stay home, because she clearly isn't ready for the outside world :tongue_smilie:

 

I would certainly pay if my teen did this; I wouldn't dodge my responsibility by claiming the driver is the one legally liable. If the other parents refuse to pay, I would likely dissolve the car pool - not out of spite, but because I would always be wondering what might happen in the future. I would feel like they were people I couldn't trust or rely on, thus not good candidates to car pool with.

[katilac]

I did want to add that I think the teen's lack of response at the time if fairly typical; that doesn't trouble me at all.

[Joker]

I don't really think it's so much as teens her age don't know any better as it is that even adults make this very same mistake. I have dinged a door as have many other very well mannered, educated, mature adults I know. It was an accident and one that I, as the adult driver, would not have even thought about making someone else's responsibility. I really think it comes down to what you are used to and what you have experienced. It's not something in my world that I would go out of my way to make another parent aware. It's not something I would expect or accept payment of from said teenager's parents.

[StephanieZ]

If I were the driver, I'd pay and wouldn't mention it to anyone.

If I were the parent and heard about it, I'd offer (sincerely) to pay.

 

In neither case would I expect/ask the child to pay unless I was the parent and I believed this accident was part of a serious behavior/character fault of carelessness. If it was just a one-off kind of accident, I'd never ask a kid to pay. This is big money for grownups, but catastrophic money for most kids. I don't expect my kids to pay for things that are random accidents. We all make mistakes. I don't need them to suffer over them.

 

If the child had a problem with carelessness, then, yes, I'd make them contribute to paying for the damage via working it off and/or savings. Maybe part of it or maybe all of it, depending on how badly I thought they needed to suffer in order to learn the lesson.

 

At the end of the day, accidents happen and grownups pay.

 

That stinks! Sorry it happened!

[8circles]

If my teen did this & I was told about it I would certainly pay & not make it into a thing. But I would think it was kind-of bizarre.

 

If a teen were at my house & sat on a chair & it broke, I wouldn't ask her parents to pay for it. I see this situation as similar.

[Isabella]

If my teen did this & I was told about it I would certainly pay & not make it into a thing. But I would think it was kind-of bizarre.

 

If a teen were at my house & sat on a chair & it broke, I wouldn't ask her parents to pay for it. I see this situation as similar.

 

 

I kind of think that it would be bizarre if the teen's parent thought it was bizarre! ;)

 

What if your chair broke because the teen was jumping on the chair so hard it broke? The teen would be using inordinate force, and she should learn by consequences that that kind of force brings about breakage. I can't imagine how she would learn otherwise!

 

I don't think your stated situation and the OP's are at all similar.

[Melissa in Australia]

I've always been under the impression that the driver is responsible for the car - even things the passengers do.

 

:iagree: this has always been my understanding as well. Example. Here in Australia it is the law that you wear seatbelts. if one of the passengers does not have a seatbelt on, it is the driver of the car who pays the fine, not the non-compliant passenger even if they are an adult.

[Melissa in Australia]

If my teen did this & I was told about it I would certainly pay & not make it into a thing. But I would think it was kind-of bizarre.

 

If a teen were at my house & sat on a chair & it broke, I wouldn't ask her parents to pay for it. I see this situation as similar.

 

:iagree:

[SKL]

I guarantee the 14yo can't imagine how much it costs to fix a car mirror. Frankly I think it's highway robbery the way the fixit shops charge for such things. That said, I would not expect any payment from the girl's family without you saying something to them. Now if, for some reason, you have to pay out of pocket and you can't afford to, and the girl's family could, you could go ask them to help. Morally I think people should pay for their own kids' foolishness if they can. But obviously that's not going to happen if they don't know you are out of pocket. ... Right or wrong, don't lose too much sleep over it. Kids cost money - and that sometimes includes other people's kids. In a community it's generally accepted that the victim sucks it up when a child makes a blunder.

[8circles]

I kind of think that it would be bizarre if the teen's parent thought it was bizarre! ;)

 

What if your chair broke because the teen was jumping on the chair so hard it broke? The teen would be using inordinate force, and she should learn by consequences that that kind of force brings about breakage. I can't imagine how she would learn otherwise!

 

I don't think your stated situation and the OP's are at all similar.

 

 

There is nothing in the OP that is in any way similar to the bolding above. All we have is:

 

She could have gotten in the car without smacking the other car--it was not that tight.

 

 

Sounds like she ACCIDENTALLY opened the car door too hard & something broke. As an adult, fully aware of the consequences of using too much force yet I have, more than once even, ACCIDENTALLY used too much force when I misjudged a situation.

 

What about this: what if a teen is at my house & sits on the chair's armrest (not the intended use of the armrest but not uncharacteristic for a teen) and the armrest breaks? Accident. I pay for my own chair.

 

I think many people are assigning intentions to this girl which are just coming out of nowhere. If there weren't any shenanigans involved in opening the car door I don't know where all of this is coming from. She opened the door, apparently too hard for the situation, and something broke. She was clearly embarrassed about it by her reaction. Give her a break already. Unless this girl is a real piece of work who likes to damage other people's property willy-nilly it's an unfortunate accident.

 

I'll say again, in case it was missed, if I was the girls parent & the driver told me about the situation I would pay without making it an issue but I would find it really bizarre that someone was accusing my child of being reckless or something when it seems apparent that it was an accident. I would also second-guess sending said child with said adult.

[Tammyla]

This is how it is here too.

 

:iagree: this has always been my understanding as well. Example. Here in Australia it is the law that you wear seatbelts. if one of the passengers does not have a seatbelt on, it is the driver of the car who pays the fine, not the non-compliant passenger even if they are an adult.

 

[Rebecca VA]

This "child" will be driving on the roads in two or three years. She needs to learn how to manage herself. She also needs to take responsibility for her actions. I guarantee the police and insurance companies will not cut her any slack if she gets into a wreck, just because she didn't mean to cause it or because she is embarrassed.

[plansrme]

OP here again. I had no idea there were so many strong opinions on such topics. Certainly I should have, of course--I did not just fall off of the WTM truck.

 

A small update, and I may have posted this already, but, first, no one has called. I, too, wondered about the statute of limitations on a note. But still, no call yet. Second, it has become clear that the other mom is mad at me! This boggles, and the only explanation I can think of is that the girl misrepresented my reaction. There was another kid in the car, and his mom asked if I had been angry at the girl, and he said no. I certainly did not say anything untoward to her. Anyway, it may not be me who breaks up the carpool over this. Go figure!

[8circles]

This "child" will be driving on the roads in two or three years. She needs to learn how to manage herself. She also needs to take responsibility for her actions. I guarantee the police and insurance companies will not cut her any slack if she gets into a wreck, just because she didn't mean to cause it or because she is embarrassed.

 

 

As an adult - a responsible adult who writes notes when I damage other vehicles (I think it's happened twice) and apologizes when appropriate, I have also ACCIDENTALLY opened my car door too hard. Thankfully, I've never damaged another car as a result. This isn't mutually exclusive with knowing how to manage myself - I do, or how to take responsibility for my actions - I do, even when I'm embarrassed (which I often am).

 

I think the implication that

- she won't be prepared to drive a car in a few years because she's so reckless as evidenced by this event or

- because she was embarrassed as a result of this event she won't be prepared to drive a car in a few years or

- that this event somehow speaks to her character

to be absolutely ridiculous.

 

ETA: I'm not sure why "child" is in quotes. You don't have to like it but technically speaking, she is still a child. A teen child, but a child nonetheless.

[marbel]

This "child" will be driving on the roads in two or three years. She needs to learn how to manage herself. She also needs to take responsibility for her actions. I guarantee the police and insurance companies will not cut her any slack if she gets into a wreck, just because she didn't mean to cause it or because she is embarrassed.

 

 

Oh my. It's not as if she's going to be granted a license one day with no training on laws, driving etiquette, etc. There's also a big difference in maturity level (generally speaking) between a 14-year-old and a 16/17-year-old.

 

She is learning now. She saw the OP's reaction to the incident - leaving a note and taking photos. She told her parents (apparently - the OP said they know, but OP did not tell them) so there must have been at least some discussion there. She will most likely be more aware in the future.

 

I'm starting to be really glad my kids don't often have need to ride in other peoples' cars.

[Rebecca VA]

Mominlaw, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. A girl who opens a door so hard that she breaks someone else's mirror holder really might have proprioception issues. That could translate into her pressing the accelerator too hard, or misjudging any number of factors involved in driving. If she is immature to the point that she cannot bring herself to acknowledge the incident and apologize for what she did, she might be showing that she isn't ready to be a good citizen on the road.

 

Anyone can have an accident. It's important to learn to take accidents very seriously. Lives and large amounts of money are on the line.

[xixstar]

I've been thinking about this and found that I can't really say that I have a definite answer.

 

If my teen did this and it was brought to my attention, I would offer to pay the damaged. And so I do somewhat expect that someone else would do so too. But the flipside is that I can get that accidents happen and part of me thinks that someone not offering to pay wouldn't surprise me - I would probably drop the carpool over it though because I can't afford covering those kinds of accidents. But I know it would probably bother me a great deal if they didn't too. I can't imagine forcing someone else to pay for an accident my child caused but I also understand the nature of accidents is accidental.

 

So that is my wishywashy response. I would pay as a parent and hope the others would to.

 

I hope the other parents understand the full story of what happened since it sounds like you said you didn't tell them but they know about it. My teen can tell me things in a different light than the reality of the situation or will paint things as no big deal when that isn't actually the case.

[marbel]

 

A small update, and I may have posted this already, but, first, no one has called. I, too, wondered about the statute of limitations on a note. But still, no call yet. Second, it has become clear that the other mom is mad at me! This boggles, and the only explanation I can think of is that the girl misrepresented my reaction. There was another kid in the car, and his mom asked if I had been angry at the girl, and he said no. I certainly did not say anything untoward to her. Anyway, it may not be me who breaks up the carpool over this. Go figure!

 

 

Whoa! Sounds like maybe a meeting of all carpool participants is needed to get everyone clear on the incident and clear the air!

 

I am sorry this has turned into such a problem for you. Hope it is resolved soon.

[8circles]

Mominlaw, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. A girl who opens a door so hard that she breaks someone else's mirror holder really might have proprioception issues. Or, she could have just accidentally misjudged the situation. It's happened to me & I'm an adult. That could translate into her pressing the accelerator too hard, or misjudging any number of factors involved in driving. ??? OK. Let's let her actually take driver's ed first. If she is immature to the point that she cannot bring herself to acknowledge the incident and apologize for what she did, she might be showing that she isn't ready to be a good citizen on the road. She isn't ready yet - she's only 14.

 

Anyone can have an accident. It's important to learn to take accidents very seriously. Lives and large amounts of money are on the line. Good grief. She accidentally opened her car door too hard & was embarrassed about it. Nobody died.

 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

 

 

I do it both for getting in and out. My kids don't open the doors unless we are not near another vehicle. If I am parked between two other cars, they wait until I can open it.

 

 

I am curious, Sheldon. How old are your children? I cannot understand any parent making a 14yo stand by the car waiting to be let in. Maybe young children, but not teenagers. (no snark intended)

[8circles]

 

Whoa! Sounds like maybe a meeting of all carpool participants is needed to get everyone clear on the incident and clear the air!

 

I am sorry this has turned into such a problem for you. Hope it is resolved soon.

 

 

Yeah. OP, I think it's kind-of weird that you are expecting something from the other parent but you haven't actually approached them about it. If you think the other parent should know & you want them to pay, it should really be you telling them about what happened instead of expecting the teen to do it. From your descriptions, many people are assuming that she is pretty immature - so maybe not mature enough to appropriately relay the information to her parent - which seems to be what has happened.

 

You are still the adult in the situation & you need to be the one driving the process, IMO.

[plansrme]

 

 

Yeah. OP, I think it's kind-of weird that you are expecting something from the other parent but you haven't actually approached them about it. If you think the other parent should know & you want them to pay, it should really be you telling them about what happened instead of expecting the teen to do it. From your descriptions, many people are assuming that she is pretty immature - so maybe not mature enough to appropriately relay the information to her parent - which seems to be what has happened.

 

You are still the adult in the situation & you need to be the one driving the process, IMO.

 

 

Okay, people, this is enough. I have never said I would expect the other family to pay. What I would do if it were me (which is to pay) and what I would expect someone else to do are not the same thing.

 

If this mom wants to break up the carpool on the basis of a misrepresentation from her daughter, that is her problem, not mine. I do not get between mamas and their teenaged daughters.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

:iagree: this has always been my understanding as well. Example. Here in Australia it is the law that you wear seatbelts. if one of the passengers does not have a seatbelt on, it is the driver of the car who pays the fine, not the non-compliant passenger even if they are an adult.

 

 

In that scenario, the driver has control over the situation. If a passenger refuses to put on her seatbelt, the driver can simply refuse to drive the car until the seatbelt goes on. The driver had no real control over this scenario, outside of reminding the passenger about the car beside her. I don't even routinely remind my own children (7 and 10) about caution opening car doors. By now, they know to use it. If an accident were to occur, they'd own the responsibility for it.

 

And anyway, we're not talking about legalities here, we're talking about the ethics of the issue as regards the other parents.

[QueenCat]

If this mom wants to break up the carpool on the basis of a misrepresentation from her daughter, that is her problem, not mine. I do not get between mamas and their teenaged daughters.

 

 

At this point, though, you don't know what the daughter told her mom. It doesn't sound like the daughter told the mom the truth. Your responsibility is to talk to the parent. Before it becomes a bigger deal.

[8circles]

Okay, people, this is enough. I have never said I would expect the other family to pay. What I would do if it were me (which is to pay) and what I would expect someone else to do are not the same thing.

 

 

I'm sorry. I see how my post came across. I'm not trying to be rude or offensive. I responded thinking that you were wanting the mom to pay but I realize that you didn't say that. I lost track during the conversation with others. Again, I'm sorry. We disagree about this situation but I'm not meaning to attack you in any way.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

OP here again. I had no idea there were so many strong opinions on such topics. Certainly I should have, of course--I did not just fall off of the WTM truck.

 

A small update, and I may have posted this already, but, first, no one has called. I, too, wondered about the statute of limitations on a note. But still, no call yet. Second, it has become clear that the other mom is mad at me! This boggles, and the only explanation I can think of is that the girl misrepresented my reaction. There was another kid in the car, and his mom asked if I had been angry at the girl, and he said no. I certainly did not say anything untoward to her. Anyway, it may not be me who breaks up the carpool over this. Go figure!

 

Oh, brother! In that case, you're well rid of them.

[bobbeym]

If this mom wants to break up the carpool on the basis of a misrepresentation from her daughter, that is her problem, not mine. I do not get between mamas and their teenaged daughters.

 

OP, I agree with the PP that suggested you speak to the other parents to clear the air. Even though you don't want to get between the momma and daughter, you really should speak directly to the mom to let her know you don't have expectations from them and only wanted to clarify the situation that occurred.

 

Even if the carpool dissolves, you're still going to run into this mom and daughter at these functions and the potential animosity and bad feelings isn't worth it when it could be resolved with a 5 minute phone call.

[Danestress]

I agree that this was an accident. It is an accident that is very common and foreseeable.

 

I am actually surprised anyone would imply this girl is in any way flawed in her character.

 

I do think it was a very predictable accident - sort of like rear ending someone at a stop light. I think at 14, the girl should be taking full responsibility for her own mistake, for apologizing profusely, for telling her parents, and for making it right. If she is frozen by embarrassment and didn't do that, it is a great chance for her parents to talk to her about what is expected in these situations. It sounds, though, like the Mom is more concerned about whether OP seemed mad then in teaching her daughter to accept responsibility even for things that are entirely accidental.

 

[arghmatey]

The 14 year old should pay. Obviously not going to happen.

 

As the parent of the 14 year old, if my 14 year old chose not to pay, I would pay it and make my child work it off.

[kitten18]

If it were my child, I would insist on paying for the damage.

 

 

OP here again. I had no idea there were so many strong opinions on such topics. Certainly I should have, of course--I did not just fall off of the WTM truck.

 

A small update, and I may have posted this already, but, first, no one has called. I, too, wondered about the statute of limitations on a note. But still, no call yet. Second, it has become clear that the other mom is mad at me! This boggles, and the only explanation I can think of is that the girl misrepresented my reaction. There was another kid in the car, and his mom asked if I had been angry at the girl, and he said no. I certainly did not say anything untoward to her. Anyway, it may not be me who breaks up the carpool over this. Go figure!

Yikes.

[poppy]

dp

[poppy]

OP here again. I had no idea there were so many strong opinions on such topics. Certainly I should have, of course--I did not just fall off of the WTM truck.

 

A small update, and I may have posted this already, but, first, no one has called. I, too, wondered about the statute of limitations on a note. But still, no call yet. Second, it has become clear that the other mom is mad at me! This boggles, and the only explanation I can think of is that the girl misrepresented my reaction. There was another kid in the car, and his mom asked if I had been angry at the girl, and he said no. I certainly did not say anything untoward to her. Anyway, it may not be me who breaks up the carpool over this. Go figure!

 

Not adding fuel to the fire here. Just going to say, I hope you don't get a call at all. I've been dinged and just let my car stay scraped..... it's a car, who cares????? Hopefully this person is like that, or is handy and just buffed it themselves, or whatever.

 

I don't think there is any statue of limitations on a note but I think it's totally reasonable to give the person at least a week to get to an auto shop. After two weeks, I'd probably be more hesitant to take responsibility for any damage to the car.

[SKL]

It's true, not everyone demands payment for that kind of thing. Why, just a couple of weeks ago a guy backed into my car when I was at a stop light (there was parking on one side). He seemed like a nice guy and I didn't want to put him through all the pain and suffering of reporting it, and besides, I didn't have time. I've also had people decide not to come after me when I left my info. Like I said, don't lose sleep over it. I think it's a good idea to clear the air if people are angry. The telephone game and all that. If people still decide to be angry at you because their kid made a mistake that's going to cost you money, that really is their problem. But as far as I can tell, you haven't even communicated with them, so how can you expect them to respond appropriately?

[Harriet Vane]

OP--I don't understand why you wouldn't have a calm conversation with the other mom just to let her know what happened. It seems bizarre to me that you would not communicate about this.

[TXBeth]

I wouldn't assume the other mom is a horrible person for being upset. Maybe her DD said something like, "She accused me of bumping the car next to us. I told her it was already scratched and I didn't do it, but she insisted I did and she left a note on the other car saying we would pay for it." I definitely think a face-to-face meeting to clear the air and straighten things out is in order.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

OP--I don't understand why you wouldn't have a calm conversation with the other mom just to let her know what happened. It seems bizarre to me that you would not communicate about this.

 

 

Well, she just posted that at 9 a.m. Maybe she didn't plan to say anything at all about it to the parents (except to ask us), then she found out the mom was mad. There hasn't really been much time since then to do much about it!

[plansrme]

 

 

Not adding fuel to the fire here. Just going to say, I hope you don't get a call at all. I've been dinged and just let my car stay scraped..... it's a car, who cares????? Hopefully this person is like that, or is handy and just buffed it themselves, or whatever.

 

I don't think there is any statue of limitations on a note but I think it's totally reasonable to give the person at least a week to get to an auto shop. After two weeks, I'd probably be more hesitant to take responsibility for any damage to the car.

 

 

Just to clarify: it was not a scrape. The housing around the mirror was cracked. Scraped too, of course, but the cracks are the main issue.

[Jean in Newcastle]

OP, I'm so glad that you are more responsible and ethical than this guy!

 

http://www.kulfoto.com/funny-pictures/32635/sorry-i-hit-your-car-note

[Truscifi]

OP, how do you know the other mom is mad at you? Have you had direct communication with her?

[elfgivas]

sometimes it helps to break things like this up into pieces. and then if you define the pieces in non emotional, simple words.

 

piece #1. the event happened. you took pictures. you left a note. i can't remember if you mentioned what you said to the teen.

piece #2. you didn't say anything to the teen's parents

piece #3. you have had interaction since that causes you to believe that the parents know.

piece #4. you have had interaction since that causes you to believe that the mom is upset with you.

 

so then you can think about what you would do the same and what you would do diffferently another time. (in the "i can only change me" vein)

 

i too am amazed, bewildered and distressed by some of the approaches folks have mentioned they would/wouldn't take about this.

 

for me, re piece #2, i would have said something to the mom in an information-sharing way when i dropped off the teen. OR if that opportunity would not have occurred in a simple way, i'd have called when i got home to mention that it had occurred, in a "mother-to-mother" sharing of life way. that comes out of a philosophy that we are all trying to do our best, and that we need to know things that affect our children. (ditto baseballs thru car windows, etc.). its important that its done in a "we're all in this life together" way, rather than in an accusing and/or demanding payment way, for me, because that is what it is all about. my goal is to raise happy, healthy, competent, caring children, and i'll take all the positive help i can get. that would eliminate pieces 3 and 4, because then there would have been direct communication. i have met moms who would welcome knowing, and moms who would have blamed me. depending on how it was going during the conversation, i might have said, "so how would you like to handle it? i could pay all of it, because as the driver i'm legally responsible. or if you wanted you could pay all of it, as it was your daughter. or we could split it? why dont' you think about it and let me know." all said in a nice "we're all in this together" sort of way. mostly, this has stood me in good stead. at least, if it all goes south, i know its not because i didn't try.

 

hth,

ann

 

 

i really do think this is an event that highlights our very deep need for things to be "right" or "wrong" and our discomfort with things happening thru carelessness that then someone must be "responsible" for. its a statement about our culture that so many have (rightly) congratulated you for doing something that a generation ago would have seemed normal. ditto talking to the parents. a generation ago (or maybe two), that would have been a normal thing. now, not so much. my hunch is that it is because we have lost the skill of being in conflict and staying in relationship in a community/neighborhood setting. its sad.

 

fwiw,

ann

[plansrme]

OP, how do you know the other mom is mad at you? Have you had direct communication with her?

 

 

Since I don't have time to argue about whether she is or is not angry, and that is almost certainly what would happen, I am going to decline to answer that question. It is not relevant anyway. I offered it as an interesting element of my update (it is interesting to me anyway, as it is a development I would not have expected) and do not particularly want opinions on whether to approach the other mom or not. She is free to wallow in her own delusions; I'm not wading into the pigpen with her. She will get over it or not. If she doesn't, her loss, 'cause I am an awesome friend. ;)

[elfgivas]

Since I don't have time to argue about whether she is or is not angry, and that is almost certainly what would happen, I am going to decline to answer that question. It is not relevant anyway. I offered it as an interesting element of my update (it is interesting to me anyway, as it is a development I would not have expected) and do not particularly want opinions on whether to approach the other mom or not. She is free to wallow in her own delusions; I'm not wading into the pigpen with her. She will get over it or not. If she doesn't, her loss, 'cause I am an awesome friend. ;)

 

 

if it were your daughter who had this happen to her/had done this, how would you hope the other mom would handle it? would you want her to speak with you about it or not? this is where many of us will feel differently, i would guess.

 

fwiw

ann

 

ps. for me, this isn't about doors or mirrors or carpools at all. its about who we are, and how we show our children how to be a community, and that includes how to handle relationships when bad/unfortunate/expensive things happen.

[plansrme]

 

 

if it were your daughter who had this happen to her/had done this, how would you hope the other mom would handle it? would you want her to speak with you about it or not? this is where many of us will feel differently, i would guess.

 

fwiw

ann

 

ps. for me, this isn't about doors or mirrors or carpools at all. its about who we are, and how we show our children how to be a community, and that includes how to handle relationships when bad/unfortunate/expensive things happen.

 

But I am not looking for help deciding how to deal with it. I was interested in other people's opinions on who was responsible. Everyone is welcome to respond however they wish, of course, but I am not obligated to provide additional irrelevant information to be analyzed.

 

And I disagree about the bigger picture; it is a mirror. It is money. I am not the one who has gotten emotionally involved.

[Samiam]

Since I don't have time to argue about whether she is or is not angry, and that is almost certainly what would happen, I am going to decline to answer that question. It is not relevant anyway. I offered it as an interesting element of my update (it is interesting to me anyway, as it is a development I would not have expected) and do not particularly want opinions on whether to approach the other mom or not. She is free to wallow in her own delusions; I'm not wading into the pigpen with her. She will get over it or not. If she doesn't, her loss, 'cause I am an awesome friend. ;)

 

Wow. According to the original post and what many have taken up, is that the 14 year old girl did not react appriopriately in OP's eyes. According to the other side of hearsay, the 14 year old has told her mother that OP over-reacted or was mean, or said something harsh to 14 year old. So she say/she say. These were people that I assume OP knew on some sort of personal level, because she choose to carpool, meaning she took their kids, they took her kids. AND this is how you are dealing with it? Wallow in her own delusions? Wading in the pigpen??? Were you friends before this? Because that's not friendship talk, and something this minor, which OP hasn't even actually discussed with the mother is going to dissolve the relationship? Without even a conversation person to person? Just wow. Probably better to dissolve the carpool....doesn't sound like a good situation for ANYONE. And awesome friend would have talked to the mother IF it was a big enough deal that you thought twice about the money situation..which you obviously have by posting in here...you've been dwelling on it....posted it here, you've already gotten in the pigpen, accused the mother of being delusional because she's believing her daughter, btw, the only side she's heard. If you are not going to discuss it with the mother personally, drop it and move on with life. Otherwise be a good friend, address the situation with the friend.

[ondreeuh]

OP, I just want to throw my support to you and commend you for asking for other people's perspectives on this situation. It is not easy to deal with people nit-picking everything apart and being quick to assign blame when they only know a few bits of the situation - and I agree that getting more detailed in your answers is just going to invite more nitpicking, so I don't blame you a bit for drawing the line.

 

I thought of posting here a question about my dog, but I know that I would just get upset by misunderstandings and judgments.

 

As for your situation, I initially thought that OF COURSE the other girl's family would pay. Just like if I took her to the zoo and she broke a window or something - not my kid, not my problem. On the other hand, I remembered that I have certainly absorbed costs when guests have caused damage - and other families have absorbed the cost of me & my kids. Once when I was in 4th grade, I was visiting a friend's house. I tried shaking a pen to get the ink flowing, and ink splattered on the wall. I got a washcloth and tried to rub it out of the wallpaper, and created a hole. Then I knocked over a wine glass in the sink and shattered it. This was all in about a 5-minute span, and my family wasn't told. Another time I was watering plants for a family on vacation and knocked over their glass-topped patio table, shattering the glass. They didn't make me pay, and still paid me for the watering! My daughter broke a window when we lived in an apartment, and the manager replaced it for free. I think in the grand scheme of things it probably evens out, so if I did pay for the side mirror, I could think of it as ensuring some good karma down the road.

 

Whatever ends up happening (you pay, she pays, you both split it) there will be people who agree with you and people who don't. I am glad you brought this up, as I hadn't thought too much about it before and it's something that I really should explore - where my responsibility for another person's kid starts and ends.