OMG DID I ASK YOUR OPINION?????

[Halcyon]

Y'all remember my thread from last week about my sis's comments about our homeschooling. Well, guess who has jumped on the bandwagon? My father! I am so upset. I will probably delete this.

 

I call him to tell him our dog was attacked by a bobcat, expecting perhaps a wee bit of sympathy. Instead, he immediately starts to ask when we are going to put older into public school ("what with your business doing well, you really need to be able to get out more.") He said that my son "needs more than just to sit home all day" and needs "friends other than other homeschoolers". That "the local middle school produces stellar students" (HAHAHA!) and by the way, does my son have a cell phone? At that second, my phone died, so he calls back. Meanwhile, I am assuming that he asked if my son has a phone because he thinks he needs to correspond, ie text, his friends or some such thing. So I am thinking of all these smart aleck comebacks. He does call back and says "Oh, you know the reason I ask about the cell phone is that I DONT think he should get one." Yea right. My half sister is 12 years old and in the local middle, so I know in some waysx he is trying to get me to send my older to ps so that it justifies how HE and his wife have decided to raise her.

 

I said "I really dont think its appropriate for a 10 year old, or C (my half sister) to have a cell phone"

Dad; "Well, all her friends have one." (omg)

Me: "And how is that relevant? A lot of kids do drugs too."

Dad "YOu know you're right, she's always going on about how her friend didn't "like" her photo or how she wasn't invited to a party."

Me; "I am actually surprised you allow her to have one, and I think it's totally inappropriate." (since we're giving unsolicitied advice here)

Dad: "Well, you know that was M (his wife) and she doesn't want C to feel left out. But man, those girsl are SO mean."

Me: "And yet you think L (my son) would benefit from school?"

Dad: "Actually, you know, we have guests here I really need to go. Let;s talk more about this."'

 

 

I am so livid. I have never, ever asked his advice about homeschoo.l. I DID ask his advice on my new business, which seems to have opened the door to allow him to comment on my entire life. "You reall yneed to be able to get out there and live your life. I mean, what are you going to do when he DOES go to school?" As though I do NOTHING outside of homeschooling (not working as an acupuncturist, or starting a new business, or exercising or working the land or visiting museums or cooking or learning a new language).

 

Ever since we moved to "the country" (we are like 10 minutes from town!) he thinks we've turned into rural bumpkins and our kids are going to be weird, unsocialized oddities. Nevermind that his daughter (the 6th grader) acts like a 17 year old, makeuip, heels, texting constantly. THAT's okay, right? But god forbid I raise kids who help out the family, help DH at work, know how to start a business (older is helping me with quickbooks for the business), learn about the hard work that goes into running a family, keeping chickens, starting a business....

 

Oh, and the CHICKENS!! I think that sent him over the edge. NOt only are my kids rural, unsocialized oddballs (nevermind the hockey, the coops, the beach days, the playdates ALL the time, the afterschool program they are in while I work) but THEY HAVE CHICKENS!!!!!!! WHAT'S NEXT?????

 

:cursing: :cursing:

 

Eta: I sent him a quick, informal text asking if we could please refrain from discussing the pros and cons of homeschooling. He wrote back "agreed".

[Alte Veste Academy]

I think you handled the discussion nicely. And LOL, what is he?! A tween himself? "All the kids are doing it, DD!" :lol:

 

To the idea of talking more about this, just a simple, "Actually, no, Dad. This is not up for discussion. DH and I will decide what is best for our boys." If he persists, just keep on being firm. Show no weakness. (That is what closets and spoonfuls of Nutella are for. LOL)

 

On further thought, at this point with the two of them, I might shoot off a succinct CC e-mail stating that educational decisions about your kids will be made by you and your DH and requesting that they please cease bringing the subject up if they can't respect your choices.

[unsinkable]

((((hugs))))

 

I'm sorry it's all coming at once!

 

And i hope your doggie is better!

[HRAAB]

I don't know what your relationship is like with your family, but in our extended family our response was "They are our children, we are their parents, we will decide what is best for our children. We appreciate your concern, but this is not up for discussion." And then we immediately changed the subject. We only had to use it a couple of times, but it worked. Thankfully, our extended family for the most part minds their business and let us mind ours.

 

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

[nansk]

I think you are brave to keep doing what you believe is right. It is not easy; high school means more prep by the teacher-mom. So you need all the positive energy you can muster. I hope you get more support in future. All the best.

[catz]

I would back WAY away from criticizing how they're raising 12 year old sister and just keep saying "this is the best fit for our kids for now. Glad sister is having the school experience she needs. Pass the bean dip. Nice weather". Wash.Rinse.Repeat.Make more bean dip. If you do not engage, it quickly gets old. And the proof is in the pudding. I've turned quite a few people around in the past few years to thinking homeschooling might be a good idea for at least some kids and families.

 

Sister isn't even close to your kids and dad is listening to her? Seriously? Cut them off and don't nit pick with them.

[Halcyon]

Thanks everyone. I am just so extremely p**sed off about this. Again I ask the question, why is HOMESCHOOLING always labelled as "the problem"???????? It reminds me of when I was tired for a couple of weeks and the "fault" was my vegetarianism. Whenever anything is "off" in my life, it seems the "problem" is homeschooling. Business doing well? "Stop homeschooling!" Business doing poorly "Stop homeschooling!" Feeling tired? "Stop homeschooling!" Boy, my house is a mess today "Stop homeschooling!" Dad, my dog was attacked by a bobcat and I'm so upset! "Stop homeschooling!"

[VeritasMama]

I get flack from my family and in laws as well. I also get the "you need to get out more" comments from my female in laws. I think they are feeling sorry for me being "stuck" at home with the kids in order to make themselves feel better about their own life choices. The most flack I get is from my MIL. In my mind I think she is justifying putting her 5yo on a bus at 6 am every day so he could drive 30 miles to town for kindergarten, then go sit at his grandmas house until the bus left, arriving home at 6 pm every night. My dh always hated school, especially the 11/2 hours spent on the bus each day (between the gravel roads and being the last stop, he spent a lot of time on the bus). He would have been better off homeschooling, and yet I have heard several times over the years about how he really "needed" to go to school so he could make friends.

 

It sounds to me like your step mother is behind some of this. It sounds like the kind of comments you would get from another mom, not a grandfather.

[Chris in VA]

Tons of hugs.

 

You sound like you are a fantastic parent, raising a neato-keen kid.

Aaaand I don't really know where that neat-keen came from, but...there ya go.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Wow. I agree, disengage, pass the bean dip.

 

And I'm sorry about your dog :(. I hope he is ok!

[lea_lpz]

Thanks everyone. I am just so extremely p**sed off about this. Again I ask the question, why is HOMESCHOOLING always labelled as "the problem"???????? It reminds me of when I was tired for a couple of weeks and the "fault" was my vegetarianism. Whenever anything is "off" in my life, it seems the "problem" is homeschooling. Business doing well? "Stop homeschooling!" Business doing poorly "Stop homeschooling!" Feeling tired? "Stop homeschooling!" Boy, my house is a mess today "Stop homeschooling!" Dad, my dog was attacked by a bobcat and I'm so upset! "Stop homeschooling!"

 

Oh gosh I get that one all the time, too. Heaven forbid you talk about anything in your life that causes stress because it must be related to you homeschooling.

[Halcyon]

Plum Crazy, you always give good advice on these boards. Thank ou. YOu are right. They are causing me stress and no small amount of sadness.

[Mandylubug]

Defending your choice to homeschool is tiring :( Hope the topic drops off the radar soon!

[Karen in CO]

It stinks to feel like you have to defend your choices.

Your dad reminded me of my favorite "all my friends" comic.

 

[zoobie]

How's your prostate, Dad? Oh? Not my business? Kinda like my parenting decisions? ;)

[Truscifi]

:grouphug:

 

 

I hope your dog is okay.

[violamama]

HOLY COW!!! Your dog was attacked by a bobcat? That's awful. My mom's neighbor heard one the other night and has seen sign and it totally freaks me out. I would seriously rather be in bear country than bobcats.

 

As to the "advice"... well, actually, it kind of sounds like the conversation went well to me. We get some flack, a little "when are you gonna stop all that hs'ing nonsense". I'm doing my darndest to cultivate a thick skin. My husband is fantastic at this with his family in particular: he is fine discussing, he's cool as a cucumber, and he is about 1000% unlikely to change his view.

 

When we were first married, these family "discussions" used to drive me INSANE. They tend to do them loudly. At restaurants. With teasing and thrown napkins. It's all fun & games until I start to get upset. So I do my best to hide that and to just know that discussing is NOT deciding, because my husband is a rock.

 

Sorry, it stings to not feel supported, especially when it's so clearly illogical.

[gardenmom5]

Umm, it seems as though you kept the door open by stating your 1/2 sister shouldn't have a cell phone. It is appropriate to say *your* children will not have cell phones, and you can add why if you wish. (I agree with no cells, but she's his kid. within a few years I expect there'll be an even bigger difference between her and your children.) telling him his dd shouldn't have a cell phone is also telling him how to parent, just as you don't want him to tell you how to school your own children.

[Shahrazad]

So annoying! But I'd just shut it down, you don't owe them an explanation for your parenting decisions. Sometimes I will try to explain for a bit but if it is not going anywhere I just shut it down with 'I'm the parent so it is my decision. Thanks for your concern but it isn't up to you.' On the other hand, if you want them not to insert an unwanted opinion, I'd keep your opinion about how your sister is being raised to yourself too. It won't work to expect them to mind their own business about your parenting choices if you are sticking your nose in theirs. I have a sibling with a large age difference (younger) and in the past I did disagree with the choices my parents were making and how it differed from what they did with me. Things got a lot better when I let it go and accepted that it was not my business nor my problem and they were not asking for my input on their parenting choices either.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Umm, it seems as though you kept the door open by stating your 1/2 sister shouldn't have a cell phone. It is appropriate to say *your* children will not have cell phones, and you can add why if you wish. (I agree with no cells, but she's his kid. within a few years I expect there'll be an even bigger difference between her and your children.) telling him his dd shouldn't have a cell phone is also telling him how to parent, just as you don't want him to tell you how to school your own children.

 

My impression was that she was trying to prove her point, that offering unsolicited opinions is annoying and unwelcome. Also, I thought she was flipping it around to show that PS isn't a sunshine and lollipops cure-all. I think he didn't get the point. (Or maybe I didn't, but that was what I took from it. :lol:)

[Halcyon]

You're right, gardenmon, except he kinda was asking my opinion because he asked "does L have a phone" and when I said no, he said well c has one but there are these problems blah blah. So it was a conversation that he started, BUT you are right in that i _was_ annoyed and gave him my very clear opinion on the matter and didnt pussyfoot around it like I usually would. I normally would say something like, "we'll, it's tough these days with kids and technology" but I was kinda mad so i went a bit overboard.

 

For example, I would _never_ say something like "When are you going to start homeschooling C? It just seems it's about time." ;)

[gardenmom5]

You're right, gardenmon, except he kinda was asking my opinion because he asked "does L have a phone" and when I said no, he said well c has one but there are these problems blah blah. So it was a conversation that he started, BUT you are right in that i _was_ annoyed and gave him my very clear opinion on the matter and didnt pussyfoot around it like I usually would. I normally would say something like, "we'll, it's tough these days with kids and technology" but I was kinda mad so i went a bit overboard.

 

For example, I would _never_ say something like "When are you going to start homeschooling C? It just seems it's about time." ;)

 

you could also ask him: are you telling me because you want to vent? or are you soliciting my opinion that you might not like? then wait.

 

sounds like they're already being frustrated with her behavior. and just think, she's *only* 12. . . . .

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

:D (An acapella cover of "King of Anything.")

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Oops, double post.

[SunnyDays]

:grouphug:

 

I missed the post about your sisters comment... I'm sorry your family is giving you such a hard time. I think if it comes up again anytime soon, you tell him: Dad, L is doing fine,and we agreed to shelve the homeschooling discussion. Then pass the bean dip.

 

Now on to the pressing matter at hand: is your doggie okay?? I hope it wasn't too serious.... Let us know how he's doing!!

[JessReplanted]

My family communicates in sarcasm, so that's how I would deal with it.

 

"Yes, of course, I want them to be uneducated freaks who chase chickens." :willy_nilly:

[JennyD]

:D (An acapella cover of "King of Anything.")

 

This is awesome. I am so bookmarking this to send it to DH the next time he has a particularly aggravating day at work.

[Mom-ninja.]

I'm sorry about your dog. Will he be okay? How did that happen?

 

 

As for your family, "When I want to know your opinion I'll let you know," and then refuse to enter the debate. Or you can start sending him links of things that show how well homeschooled people do in all areas of life.

 

My dad kept bringing up a certain choice I made about my kids. He would not let it rest. He'd send me videos, links to articles, and so forth. I finally point blank told him that my decision had been made and it wasn't changing, and if he kept bringing it up he would have to deal with my wrath. He's seen my wrath. He'd rather not deal with it. He stopped.

 

Same thing with another decision about my kids. I finally told my parents that it was not up to them, and if I wanted their opinion I'd ask.

[Lisa R.]

Umm, it seems as though you kept the door open by stating your 1/2 sister shouldn't have a cell phone. It is appropriate to say *your* children will not have cell phones, and you can add why if you wish. (I agree with no cells, but she's his kid. within a few years I expect there'll be an even bigger difference between her and your children.) telling him his dd shouldn't have a cell phone is also telling him how to parent, just as you don't want him to tell you how to school your own children.

 

 

 

I know you're really frustrated here, and I sympathize with this. However, the above post is true. While you're receiving lots of parenting advise and criticism, you did give a bit of it back in the conversation. I'd refrain from doing this in the future.

[Tammyla]

It sounds like you may have to close the door to discussing your educational and privilege choices you and your dh make for your ds.

 

The book, BOUNDARIES by Cloud and Townsend - is such a great tool for setting healthy limits with extended family. Imo, it also helps you/me with not feeling guilty for wanting them.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear about your dog, and that your dad choose that conversation to push his agenda.

[jhschool]

Although of course the best thing to do is to say,

"We are the parents, so we don't discuss it." (my favorite response),

maybe it's OK to say that many homeschoolers get an education

far superior to the one you can get in public school.

 

There is no way we could have this type and quality of education at

a public or private school. In my mind, homeschooling is far superior even

if you are not advanced, in that the education is personalized and the students

receive extra attention.

 

But I agree with everyone else--it's better not to engage. I just think

that for us and for many people our kids' education is often better than it would

be if our kids went to school.

 

My homeschooled friends with chickens...let me see--the kids are extremely

talented and several of them are in college. What do chickens have to do with it?

If anything, you would learn more biology, not less...

[SailorMom]

Nothing new to add -you are handling it great - just :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Blow it off. When I told my dad we were going to homeschool he said "That's the biggest mistake you will ever make in your life." Now to hear him brag on my kids you'd think it was all his idea.

 

Chickens? I named a rooster after my dad. I told him it was the one that wouldn't stop crowing.

[jhschool]

Yes, you should name one of your chickens after your dad, OP.

[journey00]

I'm sorry about your dog, I hope he's ok..:(

 

Yes, relatives can be so annoying. When I first began, my family was like "Yeah, great, cool" with secret eyeball rolling. Now they brag about it to anyone who will listen. Lol. :lol:

[PrairieSong]

Don't get sucked into discussing it with him. Once my SIL told our third oldest (who was finishing eighth grade) that she would have SO many more opportunities if she went to a regular school for high school. PLEASE. I don't tell your kids they need to homeschool, so don't tell mine they should go to ps.

[Mrs Mungo]

Start saying, "gotta go, the kids set something on fire." Eventually he might take the hint. Or buy you a fire extinguisher, which is a win/win scenario for you, yes? ;)