Xyz

[Ellie]

Well, it is not polite to ask guests to do anything in lieu of gifts, because it is not polite to admit that you're expecting people to bring gifts (even though we know, of course, that people do. It just isn't polite to say it out loud. Sometimes etiquette is like that, lol.). Bridal and baby showers are different, of course, of course, as far as expecting people to bring gifts, because that's what a shower is for.

 

In the situation you describe, Ruby Sue, yes, it's tacky. If the happy couple has expenses or whatnot that preclude their serving a catered meal, then they can serve cake and punch and mints and nuts. Or they could call a few close friends and ask if they could help (or maybe the close friends would choose to do it on their own).

[magnificent_baby]

I'd honestly much rather participate in a potluck reception than some of the other ways folks seem to regularly celebrate weddings around the country. I was appalled to encounter the "dollar dance" for the first time :eek: at a relative's wedding in another area of the country during the (expensively) catered sit-down reception with open bar and dancing in a banquet hall. People were expected to pin money onto the bride and groom to dance with them. At that point, I had only known of one situation in which one attached money to a person's clothing and it wasn't a wedding! I was informed (later) that it was customary to give the couple a monetary gift (in addition to the wedding present) roughly equivalent to the cost of the meal for the reception, and very much the norm in their area (this was 25 years ago or so). I was accustomed to the "chip and dip" reception (as the same relative called it----cake/punch/mints/nuts in the church hall---like I had ;) ). I also don't get the "honeyfund" requests I've gotten recently where, in lieu of gifts, I'm requested to help pay for the couple's honeymoon (a week in Bermuda). We planned the reception and the honeymoon we could pay for.

 

 

You must have attended this wedding in the Midwest. The dollar dance is tradition where I live, and a very nice way to give money to the couple to help them get ahead. Weddings are so expensive, I'm sure they don't usually come out ahead by the time the celebration is over. If I happen to have it, I gladly give $10 to $20 when I participate. With my family of 5, they are probably paying more for us to attend than what I spent on the gift. Though I've never heard of pinning it to them; IME, someone from the wedding party collects the money at the front of the line.

 

As to the OP, potluck is not the norm here. But I wouldn't consider it tacky at all, just different.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I find it difficult to believe (and sad, if true) that some people avoid family rather than accept that those people can love you, however imperfectly. This isn't a case of an overly critical mother or overbearing father - it's a cousin who agrees with the MoG that it's a tacky thing to do. They're commiserating together, rather than criticizing the couple to their face. Seems the more loving option to me, given that people will and do have differences of opinions on these things. They're not out there trying to convince the bride to change anything, they're simply sharing amongst themselves that they'd have done differently. Hardly high drama or indicative of Ruby Sue's assumed inability to still share in the joy of the occasion. It's not one-dimensional, nor is she, I suspect.

Seriously. You'd think there were a bunch of saints posting here. Or Stepford Cousins, incapable of normal human feelings LOL.

 

Well, she is venting here and has been around long enough to know how this works. LOL It wasn't labeled JAWM, in which case I would not have posted at all. I am no saint and I have opinions on tacky vs not tacky that plenty of people don't share, but when I ask a question here, I sure as heck expect an honest answer from the peanut gallery, and that is what she got. Not for nothing, it seems like the majority is in her favor.

 

[elegantlion]

Well, I guess I'm tacky. I think it sounds like a wonderful plan. I'd love to renew my vows and have a potluck reception. How cool is that? But we don't know enough people. We'd end up with chicken, two sides, and a jello mold.

 

 

Don't forget the green bean casserole. No matter how small the group, there is always a green bean casserole. :D

 

 

I've never been to a wedding like that, but depending upon the group I don't find it tacky. Here's the thing, it's their wedding. They are not marrying Miss Manners, they're marrying each other. There is hopefully enough tact and etiquette going around that you don't complain about the "tackiness" of others (not directed to OP and this thread, but in general). If someone wants to have a potluck, great. I'll bring a dish, that's easier than shopping for a gift that will probably get sold in a garage sale in 10 years or buying 12 of the same thing, or what 40 year old needs more stuff, seriously.

 

If the people like me enough to invite me and I like them enough to attend, I will celebrate their day of joy in any manner they see fit (few exceptions). I will bring a gift I can afford and if I have to eat cheetos, potato chips, and green bean casserole to help you celebrate, great. I'll do that. I'll tell the bride she's beautiful, I'll tell the groom he's a lucky man, and I'll go home and wish them all the best. Life and marriage is hard enough, the wedding is not the end all, beat all part of it. The wedding is the beginning. I'm there to support and celebrate the marriage, not the wedding.

[Cinder]

Slightly off-topic, but does anyone remember The Tightwad Gazette? . . . The children are all grown now, of course, and a blog writer tracked them down to see how they were doing: http://thefrugalshrink.blogspot.it/

 

Thanks for the link. I do have the book and have wondered how the family was doing.

[Scarlett]

Hmmm. Did they ask you for a gift or just invite you to the shower? You are f course welcome to decline either or both. As for the wedding, it sounds like they just want something very casual and low key. A simple wedding and a potluck afterwards. That doesn't have anything to do with how much money they make. *shrugs* I think it's more tacky for your aunt to complain to you about it. If she is offended, then she should stay home.

 

I agree that it has nothing to do with how much money they make. I hate when weddings are discussed as 'breaking even'. Good grief. If someone invites you to their home for a meal, do you feel like you have to bring a bottle of wine equal to how much it cost to feed you and your family?

No, hopefully you don't. When you are invited to a meal or to an event......go and enjoy. If it is a special event and you feel moved to take a gift then do so ....whatever gift that is with in your means.

 

For the record dh and I had a big reception 3 weeks after our wedding. We rented a big gorgeous hall, dressed up in our wedding clothes, had a cake made, and several of my friends organized the food. We had lasagna, green beans and salad and bread. Iced tea, water and coffee. A big chocolate fountain. White table clothes and cool center pieces put together by my friend. It was very nice, but technically a covered dish.

 

Everyone had a great time. Hopefully no one went around saying how tacky it was.

 

Dh just said it is a honor to be asked to bring a dish. :). But that is our world. YMMV.

[Ellie]

IFor the record dh and I had a big reception 3 weeks after our wedding. We rented a big gorgeous hall, dressed up in our wedding clothes, had a cake made, and several of my friends organized the food. We had lasagna, green beans and salad and bread. Iced tea, water and coffee. A big chocolate fountain. White table clothes and cool center pieces put together by my friend. It was very nice, but technically a covered dish.

 

Everyone had a great time. Hopefully no one went around saying how tacky it was.

 

 

The key here is that several of your friends organized food, for a reception that was after the wedding. Wedding guests were not asked to bring food.

[Ellie]

Don't forget the green bean casserole. No matter how small the group, there is always a green bean casserole. :D

 

 

I've never been to a wedding like that, but depending upon the group I don't find it tacky. Here's the thing, it's their wedding. They are not marrying Miss Manners, they're marrying each other. There is hopefully enough tact and etiquette going around that you don't complain about the "tackiness" of others (not directed to OP and this thread, but in general). If someone wants to have a potluck, great. I'll bring a dish, that's easier than shopping for a gift that will probably get sold in a garage sale in 10 years or buying 12 of the same thing, or what 40 year old needs more stuff, seriously.

 

If the people like me enough to invite me and I like them enough to attend, I will celebrate their day of joy in any manner they see fit (few exceptions). I will bring a gift I can afford and if I have to eat cheetos, potato chips, and green bean casserole to help you celebrate, great. I'll do that. I'll tell the bride she's beautiful, I'll tell the groom he's a lucky man, and I'll go home and wish them all the best. Life and marriage is hard enough, the wedding is not the end all, beat all part of it. The wedding is the beginning. I'm there to support and celebrate the marriage, not the wedding.

 

 

Proper behavior is proper behavior, whether Miss Manners is invited or not. :-) Miss Manners doesn't make the rules; she reminds people of what the rules are.

 

You would be behaving as a proper guest; congratulations. :-) That the people putting on the event are not behaving properly is their problem. People don't get to make up their own etiquette rules.

[Tammyla]

I've never heard of it, but I'm getting less and less surprised by things these days. I also think it could be nice for a number of reasons, especially if the guests were close to the bride and groom.

[catz]

I have not been to a potluck wedding. But we are invited to many, many potluck events. And if we aren't asked to bring something, we usually bring a bottle of wine or something along those lines. The potluck wedding seems like a decent way to have a small, low key event with your nearest and dearest. If I were invited to a 3rd cousin's wedding for 300 and asked to bring a dish, I'd probably think that was odd.

 

On the shower, hopefully someone else is throwing that for them. If one of their friends is having a shower for them, I don't think that has anything to do with the wedding. If they are throwing their own shower, yes, that is super tacky.

[StephanieZ]

FWIW, Peggy Post wrote in the NYT about this recently: http://www.nytimes.c...?ref=style&_r=0

 

Note, she says "potluck weddings are fine . . ." with some caveats, of course.

[KarenNC]

You must have attended this wedding in the Midwest. The dollar dance is tradition where I live, and a very nice way to give money to the couple to help them get ahead. Weddings are so expensive, I'm sure they don't usually come out ahead by the time the celebration is over. If I happen to have it, I gladly give $10 to $20 when I participate. With my family of 5, they are probably paying more for us to attend than what I spent on the gift. Though I've never heard of pinning it to them; IME, someone from the wedding party collects the money at the front of the line.

 

As to the OP, potluck is not the norm here. But I wouldn't consider it tacky at all, just different.

 

No, it was in California, but it's certainly possible the other side of the family originated in the Midwest (or that the custom came from there and became more popular in that area of California). I understand (now) that things like dollar trees, huge elaborate weddings, etc are not all that uncommon in some areas of the country. Given the number of people from other areas of the country who have moved to our area in the last 30 years and the proliferation of "reality" wedding shows driving up expectations, I wouldn't be totally surprised to find such practices here at some point. I also understand that other cultures have different customs for weddings, but this one was for my relative who was not marrying someone in that situation. At that point (as a very young adult), the only kind of wedding I had ever really encountered had been the cake/punch in the church hall afterwards where it was a splurge if they had egg salad or pimento cheese sandwiches cut in triangles ---the little baked ham and cheese sandwiches with poppy seeds on dinner rolls if you were really extravagant :001_smile: , so the whole thing was a big eye-opener for me at that age. I knew that some people (usually those considered quite wealthy, at least in our community---you would see the write-ups in the paper along with the write-ups of the debutante parties, etc for the same girls) would have things like sit down dinners or dancing, but I had not actually ever been to one. Even at that, I'd not even heard of things like money dances, dollar trees, etc (realize this was well before wedding shows on tv), which was why I was so shocked when it happened. Yes, I'm rather a hick ;) .

 

I've certainly been to some non-traditional weddings over the years (including one in the snack bar at KMart--when KMart had such---while the store was open for business, with the blue lights flashing at the beginning of the aisle :D ). I have to say I did raise an eyebrow over the Tupperware shower thrown by the mother of the groom for one wedding (she was the Tupperware salesperson and you were expected to buy the shower gift from her at the party). I think a potluck for a recipe shower or pounding is a great idea, and wouldn't really think much about a potluck reception as part of an overall informal wedding. Our group of friends does many potluck parties because we are trying to accommodate the widely varying dietary needs in the group. IMO, however, what really comes across as tacky is to deliberately plan a big elaborate wedding or honeymoon then explicitly tell guests they are expected to foot the bill for it (entry fee to a tourist attraction location where the wedding is held, "honeyfund," etc). There are many other alternatives available. A wedding doesn't *have* to cost tens of thousands of dollars---plan what you can afford. It's certainly kind and generous of folks to want to help out monetarily if they can, but I don't see it as appropriate on the invitation.

[elegantlion]

 

 

Proper behavior is proper behavior, whether Miss Manners is invited or not. :-) Miss Manners doesn't make the rules; she reminds people of what the rules are.

 

You would be behaving as a proper guest; congratulations. :-) That the people putting on the event are not behaving properly is their problem. People don't get to make up their own etiquette rules.

 

I guess I see proper behavior (wedding etiquette anyway) as more fluid. I feel a tingle in my spine whenever rigid rules are applied to social situations where cultural norms, preferences, and budget are an issue for many. Again, a wedding is about the marriage. I've attended too many highfalutin' weddings where the marriage didn't last very long. Of course, my views comes from a lifetimes of looking at the rules as more like guidelines. I've always colored outside the lines. :D

[Murphy101]

People don't get to make up their own etiquette rules.

 

Challenge accepted.

[Cassy]

Not tacky. Alternative maybe. I like to keep an open mind on how people live their lives.

[edelweiss]

I've never heard of a potluck wedding reception before, and I have to say that I vote "tacky". People can have whatever kind of wedding they want, but when the wedding couple expects guests to provide the food, I find that to be odd. I would be mortified to ask that of my guests.

 

However, I do understand that this might be popular or normal in some circles, and if that is what people expect, it certainly doesn't bother me. I would be shocked if I ever received an invitation to a wedding like this though. It just isn't done here.

[LMA]

 

 

Proper behavior is proper behavior, whether Miss Manners is invited or not. :-) Miss Manners doesn't make the rules; she reminds people of what the rules are.

 

You would be behaving as a proper guest; congratulations. :-) That the people putting on the event are not behaving properly is their problem. People don't get to make up their own etiquette rules.

 

 

Yes, the purpose of etiquette is to know how to behave in a given situation or to know what behavior is expected of others. It keeps the social friction down and makes everyone comfortable. Otherwise, societal behavior becomes a big free-for-all and people don't know what to do anymore. And it doesn't just apply to formal situations. It applies to everyday situations. How many of us expect our children to say "thank you" for a gift or a compliment? Writing thank you notes? That is etiquette. There is no reason to expect anything less when it comes to big situations such as birthday parties or weddings.

 

Honestly, a wedding is too formal of an occasion to ask for potluck, even it it is a "casual" wedding. Having a group of people fix the food is one thing. When you invite people to a wedding, someone should provide the refreshments, even if it just cake and punch.

[HRAAB]

I don't find it tacky. Actually, it seems like a great way for a community (family and friends) to support and celebrate this couple. Everybody coming together to do their share because they like each other and want the best for this couple. I think it sounds like fun. Especially for a small, close knit group. I love community spirit. So, If I like the people and they're important to me, I'd make up a dish, go, and give them all my love and support and have fun.

[QueenCat]

I find it a bit odd but most weddings I go to involve many out of town guests and are formal. If I were invited to a potluck reception, I'd go with the flow & the couple would never know I found it "odd".

[gardenmom5]

That's what it comes down to for me. If that is what they want, I don't see the big deal. I think it's actually far tackier to have a destination wedding and expect people to come up with zillions of dollars to get there. With my wedding, I thought a lot about what would be easiest for the people in my life.

 

it's an extreme way to cut down the guest list.

I know three sisters who did destination weddings. for one reason only - so their grandmother couldn't be there. (one came right out and told people that was why she was marrying elsewhere.) which I found kinda sad. the only ones who attended were their immediate/siblings families, and the grooms families.

[Jeannie in NJ]

dh and I had a sorta potluck wedding. We got married at the mayor's office with just his parents, my mom and the friend that had introduced us 9 years prior. We rented a house with a huge deck over the ocean for the reception. We only had family and a few close friends. Dh's cousin made us a large sheet cake as her gift (carrot cake yum). A friend that owns a deli made up sub trays, veg tray and fruit tray as his gift. Other people brought alcohol, soda, chips, etc as their gifts. Still others gave us traditional wedding gifts. Each did as they were comfortable. It seemed like the older people wanted to give the traditional gifts while the younger ones were more into giving food, drinks, etc. All had a great time.

 

As an aside, dh and I stayed at the ocean house overnight. My mom (had come up from Texas) and stayed at my apt. I had left my car there. Anyway, the next day, dh dropped me off to get my mom (we were going sight seeing). I got in my car (a stick shift so my mom did not know how to drive it). Anyway, the driver's seat was pulled all the way up, so I said "Mom, who has been driving my car?". She said, "Oh, we hoped you would not notice, a few of your friends and I went to Atlantic City to the casinos and your friend J drove (who is over 6 ft tall and I am only 5 ft) and we moved the seat up, after we got home so you would not notice that we had taken your car, but apparently moved the seat up too far."

 

I just laughed and said that none of them should ever try for a life of crime, since they did not cover their tracks very well lol.

 

Lastly, everyone in dh's family has their wedding at either fire halls or small Italian restaurants and always have buffet style with usually someone supplying the cake. Totally normal to us, as would be a potluck reception . So I say not tacky.

[Dandelion]

FWIW, Peggy Post wrote in the NYT about this recently: http://www.nytimes.c...?ref=style&_r=0

 

Note, she says "potluck weddings are fine . . ." with some caveats, of course.

 

I just read the article. The caveats she gives are very narrow. She says:

 

Potluck wedding receptions are fine in communities where the potluck tradition is entrenched, or when it is a family or community gift to the couple. Usually the community or family proposes the idea to the couple, not the other way around. Often, it’s not what you do but how you go about doing it that can either gain enthusiastic support or raise hackles.

 

These caveats don't seem to apply to the wedding the OP is invited to. If the potluck tradition were entrenched in her community, the OP wouldn't be asking about it here. If the community or family had proposed the potluck idea to the couple as their gift to them, the OP's aunt/mother of the groom would be on board. Obviously, that is not the case either. This appears to be a case of the couple essentially asking their guests to cater their wedding for them. Very different from either of the above scenarios, and very different from asking family and a few close friends to help prepare the food.

 

The article further states:

 

Normally I would suggest that, as good friends, it would be kind to speak to this oblivious and insensitive bride to-be and try to steer her in a better direction. But it sounds as if attempts by others to do so have her further committed to this over-the-top potluck idea.

 

I'm all for doing things differently and creatively. And I've attended low-key weddings that were beautiful. But in this case, I really have to agree that the approach this couple seems to be taking is in poor taste. That said, I would still attend the wedding, be a gracious guest, and keep my opinion to myself (beyond posting about it here).

[PrairieSong]

Well, it is not polite to ask guests to do anything in lieu of gifts, because it is not polite to admit that you're expecting people to bring gifts (even though we know, of course, that people do. It just isn't polite to say it out loud. Sometimes etiquette is like that, lol.).

 

Everyone knows people bring gifts to weddings. Are we really expected to not admit this? Does that mean gift registries for wedding gifts are tacky, too?

[PrairieSong]

I have never been to a potluck wedding, but I would go, bring a dish, and keep my feelings to myself. I have received invitations that suggested cash donations to help pay for a tropical honeymoon in lieu of a gift. I thought that was tacky but did not say that to anyone but my husband. We took a gift. If a special package deal trip to Las Vegas was good enough for us, it (or something equivalent) is good enough for these young whippersnappers, I figured. :-)

 

[AK_Mom4]

I have been to quite a few weddings that had a potluck reception afterwards. These were rural areas and it was culturally normal. The bride's family provided the main dishes and everyone else brought sides and desserts. There probably wasn't a caterer for 500 miles and everyone had big families, so bringing food was normal.

 

Back in the dark ages when I got married, my cousins threw a bridal shower for me and it was potluck. Everyone brought cookies and the hostess provided drinks. Then, these same cousins made all the food for the reception (I paid for the supplies, they supplied the labor). I had a good job at the time, but if we had not been able to pay for the food, going potluck would have been perfectly acceptable. This was in Denver, so not too rural.

 

Nowadays, I would probably just do cookies and punch if the budget was tight.

[Murphy101]

Here is the problem tho.

 

Just bc one side of the family has a tradition or expectation doesn't mean the other side shares it.

 

I married up so to speak and quite frankly found my dh's insistence on following their traditions and their presumptions to be extremely over bearing uncomfortable and insulting to my family. My family was pretty darn tolerant of being told everything from where to sit to presuring my father to get on his knee to put a penny in my shoe with my dress raised so he could. (Very awkward as A my father has a bad leg from polio and B my mother was horrified that they took a photo of a man, even father, bent in front of me with my dress raised to the knee so he could reach my foot without the dress in the way.)

 

Me? I didn't care and still don't about a single bit of it. My dh helped me pick my wedding dress and drove me to the church that morning which bothered his family to no end. Superstitious nonsense.

 

Frankly, I'd have been happy eloping but dh wanted married in the same church by the same pastor that married his parents and grandparents so that's what we did. But I left every single decoration and adornment to my mil bc it was obviously more important to her than me. I got a dress paid for my bouquet and the cake and invitations, tuxes, lapel flowers and church fees. I hope my mil enjoyed it bc really my dh and I just wanted to make a never ending vow to love each other and leave for some steak dinner and baby making activities. oh and she didn't like my invitation wording and reordered it to her liking. I laugh. Now. Yk. 20 years later. Lol

 

But my family were very much uncomfortable the entire time. In my family weddings are a weekend party/reunion BYOB event. lol

[Ruby Rose]

Pqr

[Guest inoubliable]

I don't find it tacky.

 

I found other elements to the OP to be tacky.

 

I think the idea of a pot luck wedding is fantastic. What a wonderful community feel to it!

[QueenCat]

Everyone knows people bring gifts to weddings. Are we really expected to not admit this? Does that mean gift registries for wedding gifts are tacky, too?

 

Although most people bring gifts to weddings, it is not a requirement to attend. I had a couple of friends at my wedding who did not bring gifts. They could barely afford the gas to get there much less a gift. I'd have been mortified if they thought they could not come if they couldn't bring a gift.

 

Gift registries are only tacky if they are included with the invitation. Registry information should only be given to people who ask for the info.

[Seasider]

I understand this may be common in some circles. However, in my experience, if your budget does not permit you to provide a meal for your guests, have the ceremony at 2pm and serve punch and cake at the reception.

 

I think the op finds it tacky because it is apparently not the tradition in her family or circle of acquaintances.

 

 

[LizzyBee]

 

 

Proper behavior is proper behavior, whether Miss Manners is invited or not. :-) Miss Manners doesn't make the rules; she reminds people of what the rules are.

 

You would be behaving as a proper guest; congratulations. :-) That the people putting on the event are not behaving properly is their problem. People don't get to make up their own etiquette rules.

 

 

This made me laugh out loud. Why the heck does Miss Manners or Miss Post get to make up all the rules and who the heck says that my family and friends have to follow them? Puh-lease.

[Dmmetler]

I sort of did this-DH and I were just starting grad school (I graduated with my BA a WEEK before my wedding) in another state, with almost no budget. My mom made my dress and the flower girl dresses, the bridesmaids dresses came off the rack at Kohl's (3/4 sizes were perfect, one would have needed to be altered except that DH's sister had to pull out-and as it turned out, my APO "Big brother", who's parents gave her the airfare to come to my wedding (and spend a week afterwards exploring VA and DC-a different experience for a girl from west TX) as her graduation gift was the perfect size to fit it), and while we hadn't PLANNED a potluck reception, as soon as the church ladies found out we were only doing the cake/punch thing, we had all the cookies, cheese straws, finger sandwiches, and deviled eggs we could use. We did our wedding at a church camp, and the boy scout and girl scout troops affiliated with my parent's church did a lot of the work-setting up and decorating the camp lodge (and I think even some cleaning), parking cars, and serving at the reception. I think the girls scouts earned a party planning badge in doing so, and I know that year's camp fund benefited ;). You can send a lot of scouts to summer camp for what it would have cost to have a reception catered. My maid of honor and I cleaned out the floral section of a closing Woolworth's store the Christmas break before the wedding, and spent a happy two weeks making tons of flower arrangements and decor items. The musicians (mostly friends and colleagues of mine, or people who sang with my parents in the local choral society who had known me since I was a toddler) all donated their time and efforts, and we had a full choir plus multiple instrumentalists. My mother commented that it was almost more a concert with "By the way, Michael and Donna are getting married, too" tossed in. Photos and videos were taken by college students building their professional portfolio who would have been on the invite list regardless and were thrilled to take pictures or video footage (we paid for their supplies-but they wouldn't take anything else).

 

 

All in all, it ended up being a nice, not very expensive wedding, with everyone donating their time and efforts, and almost no physical gifts.

[Ellie]

 

This made me laugh out loud. Why the heck does Miss Manners or Miss Post get to make up all the rules and who the heck says that my family and friends have to follow them? Puh-lease.

 

Miss Manners and Emily Post and the rest don't make up the rules. They just report on them.

 

And people can say they don't care about etiquette, but we have discussions about it all.the.time, so yeah, people do care.

[KarenNC]

We had a very DIY wedding as well, and a lot of it was done by friends/family in lieu of gifts. We were very grateful. However, IMO, there's a world of difference in a guest saying, "Thank you for the invitation (or, I heard you were getting married). I would love to do xyz for you as my gift to you if it would be helpful" and a host saying, "you're invited---your assignment is to bring 50 paper plates and an appetizer for 10 people" or "you are invited and here's the website where you can pay for a portion of our honeymoon to the Caribbean."

[Laurie4b]

I can't believe so many people are put off by this. I don't see anything wrong with bringing a potluck dish to a wedding--and it's hardly the equivalent in money to either a shower gift or a wedding present. I think the price of catering a wedding is ridiculous and I think a potluck is a more community-based, practical approach. People can deduct the cost of the food they bring from their shower gift or wedding gift if they need to or want to. As a guest, I don't think the bride and groom are obligated to provide catered food for me. I'm happy to be included in their celebration--or if I'm not interested, I decline the invitation, or just attend the ceremony.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Miss Manners and Emily Post and the rest don't make up the rules. They just report on them.

And people can say they don't care about etiquette, but we have discussions about it all.the.time, so yeah, people do care

 

Yes, people care about etiquette. But they tend to care about the rules that they already agree with and accept, not what they disagree with and do not accept. LOL There is not one universally accepted rule of etiquette for all things because we are not clones.

[NASDAQ]

Am I the only one who would much rather serve cake than organise an entire wedding's worth of potluck food?

[Rosie_0801]

Potluck? I thought you had to feed people to compensate them for giving up their weekend to come and look at you.

[Melissa in Australia]

:lol:

[Ecclecticmum]

I think its their wedding, and they can do whatever they want.

 

But this comes from a viewpoint where I had a "hippy/satanic" wedding and a bit of a trailer trash "after party". This is some people's reactions from their "I didn't experience it, or I don't understand it" viewpoints. From my viewpoint (and hubby's) it was beautiful and close, and was only partially ruined by peoples snide comments.

 

So, yes, unfortunately I am biased, as I can see emails passing back and forth between MIL & SIL pronouncing things like "tacky" and "satanic". Apparently my reality is different from theirs.

 

Satanic/Hippy Wedding: In a private beautiful garden, within a rose-petal circle and hand-fasting, married by a celebrant with whom her & I wrote the entire ceremony which was about the power of love.

 

Trail Trash After Party: This is Australia, I was pregnant at the time, and I wore comfortable clothing for the whether. We had an outdoor little party with various salads, fruit, prawns and a cute lil cake. Summer is hot and it was a "family" (i.e. less than 50 people at the wedding) gathering. I had the food in a tent, suitably covered for an Aussie Summer (i.e. wrapped so no flies could get on it :p ) But yes, I am sure from a British cathedral and country club it would seem "trailer trash". They should feel lucky I felt like having people over afterwards (walking around a lop-sided garden for hours with very, very high heels on and very pregnant can cause one to not be in the "chippiest" of moods.

 

You may be right, and it may be completely "tacky", or it just may be (the slightest possibility) that you aren't understanding the situation properly. Potluck with bits of food from each persons household sounds like an idyllic solution to something that may of been a problem. Perhaps they couldn't get caterers, perhaps there were too many people with different food tastes. If everyone brings something, everyone has something they will definitely like, and there is also the chance to try a variety of foods that caterers may not be able to satisfy. Perhaps they wanted that "bit of home" or "close, casual gathering" feel.

 

I just think, unless you know otherwise, to go into a situation with an open mind. Unless your very short on funds, I'd get what I feel comfortable with bringing, go there, and have a good time, and meet people, and celebrate the wedding of two, I am sure, wonderful people who are meant for one another.

 

Everyone has different ideas of tackiness. Mine consists of when the kids give me a drawing they have done when their hands are covered in strawberry jam, and the other is gold. I think golds tacky. But I don't think just because another person wears gold, they are tacky. They like it, end of story. I don't like it, so I don't wear it.

 

All I can say is to have an open mind, or if you feel negatively about the whole thing, feign an excuse (a nice one) and bow out respectively.

 

Anyway, thats just my POV from the other side of the coin. :)

[Scarlett]

 

 

The key here is that several of your friends organized food, for a reception that was after the wedding. Wedding guests were not asked to bring food.

 

Well yes they were. The request was not included in the invitations, but nearly everyone who came was asked to bring something. I had friends helping to organize it so that we ended up with even amounts of food and not 14 loaves of bread. I had a friend each responsible for lasagna, salads, green beans, bread, butter/salad dressings, drinks, each of those friends would delegate out.....for instance we determined each lasagna would feed 10 and therefore she asked 10 friends to make a lasagna. No one person had to do a lot of cooking.....and simple things like bread was delegated to those who we knew has less time and or resources. Out of towners were not asked to help....

 

I recognize this is not for everyone, but it is very common in my circle and we all love it. It our world it is an honor to be asked to bring a dish.

[StephanieZ]

I think it is curious that folks refer to cultural and community norms in defining etiquette, but that we don't seem to acknowledge that marriages very often (usually?) cross community/cultural lines.

 

I have attended $100k+ extraordinarily formal weddings, and I have attended much more modest affairs. I have attended weddings hosted and attended by relatively wealthy people and those hosted by people of very modest means. Maybe I just have relationships across more categories of people than others. Likewise, many of the marriages I have known have crossed not just community, but also religious and national boundaries, just in the actual couple being married, let alone in the people being invited! So, defining what is typical for the community/culture is very hard to do unless YOU are the hosts, as presumably only the hosts know everyone involved in the wedding in most cases.

 

So, anyway, I think that etiquette, especially for weddings, is largely fluid, and that the guests should always assume that the hosts are doing what is natural and proper for THEM and for those they are planning for. Just because some guests aren't familiar or at ease with a custom doesn't mean the hosts are not.

 

The essence of etiquette is consideration and kindness, and it goes both ways. Looking for etiquette breaches on special occasions is a popular pastime, apparently, but I think it is really tacky. I have read enough etiquette guides that I guarantee you that I could find plenty of etiquette breaches in any wedding I attended (even the 100k+ ones) if I were so inclined -- but I wouldn't do so, and if I noticed them, I would keep my mouth shut about it while admonishing myself for being uncharitable. Honestly, if I didn't love someone enough to only look for the joy present in the occasion (and to help it replicate), then I would be shocked if I were invited to the wedding. I personally think that looking for things to criticize at a wedding is much like looking for ugliness in a new baby. Why would someone be so ugly as to do that?!? Yuck!?

 

So, me, if I had uncharitable thoughts about someone's wedding, I would look at that as an indicator of a need for self-reflection. Then, I would put extra effort into being supportive of the couple, and, in this case, I'd make a really spectacular pot-luck dish and buy extra thoughtful presents.

[Scarlett]

As a side thought one of my best friends recently married one of my childhood friends. They did a couple of things we don't normally do. They didn't invite 'everyone', (just 80 people) and they paid for a sit down dinner at a local restaurant. Believe it or not several of us were discussing it and basically judging them and then we got over ourselves and said, well they can afford it so more power to them. LOL. Just cracks me up....the opposite of this thread (they have money so how TACKY to do covered dish). People are funny, wherever you go.

[Parrothead]

As a side thought one of my best friends recently married one of my childhood friends. They did a couple of things we don't normally do. They didn't invite 'everyone', (just 80 people) and they paid for a sit down dinner at a local restaurant. Believe it or not several of us were discussing it and basically judging them and then we got over ourselves and said, well they can afford it so more power to them. LOL. Just cracks me up....the opposite of this thread (they have money so how TACKY to do covered dish). People are funny, wherever you go.

 

 

You'll have to PM me and tell me what you found objectionable. I'm curious.

[Tarreymere]

My first husband was from a town in Maine that was so small they didn't have numbers on their houses. There were no stores for miles. We were married in the tiny church in the town and my mother-in-law organized the townsfolk (everyone was invited) to a potluck reception in the church basement. Not only did the whole town fit in the church basement, all of the matriarchs brought their 'signature dish'. It was wonderful. Later when my husband passed away the town had another potluck in the church basement after his funeral. I guess that marriages and funerals really were community affairs in that town.

 

I married my second husband in my hometown with less than a dozen close friends in attendance, and it was again a potluck. This time it was a potluck because one friend insisted on making the wedding cake, another insisted on making lausagna, ect. I didn't ask anyone to bring anything.

 

I've been invited over the years to catered weddings and potluck weddings. I prefer the potluck weddings, because I can cook or bake something nice but we rarely have much spare cash to buy a nice enough gift. I think that a potluck is easier on the guests in that way, especially since the attitude among the catered wedding people seems to be that the gift has to be 'worth' the cost of paying for your meal. I've turned down some wedding invitations because I have an idea of how much the caterer costs and I know we just don't have a hundred bucks in the budget for a gift.

[Scarlett]

 

 

You'll have to PM me and tell me what you found objectionable. I'm curious.

 

 

Not so much objectionable.....just not normally done. 1) they didn't invite everyone 2) paid for a sit down dinner for the 80 invited guests.

[Murphy101]

You'll have to PM me and tell me what you found objectionable. I'm curious.

 

 

I betting it was the exclusionary setting. Only a select few can attend vs it being presumed that everyone will be invited. And insisting in a formal sit down dinner for a select few rather than opening up to something more casual that everyone could attend.

 

My wedding was rather exclusionary too and it didn't go over well with lots of people. I had a small, but elegant wedding, no kids, no meal, just cake and punch, but it was tuxedos, not suits. I think we only booked the church for a total of 2 hours, so it was elegant and FAST. Many people were ticked we didn't make children welcome and that we didn't book a venue that permitted lots of reunion time. Oh well.

[Parrothead]

 

 

Not so much objectionable.....just not normally done. 1) they didn't invite everyone 2) paid for a sit down dinner for the 80 invited guests.

 

 

Okay... I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this because it is what has been done at most weddings I've been to. There was one that had cake and nibbles at the hunting lodge, but the couple was staying there door the night.

 

What happens where you are from? Who is included in everybody?

[Parrothead]

 

 

I betting it was the exclusionary setting. Only a select few can attend vs it being presumed that everyone will be invited. And insisting in a formal sit down dinner for a select few rather than opening up to something more casual that everyone could attend.

 

My wedding was rather exclusionary too and it didn't go over well with lots of people. I had a small, but elegant wedding, no kids, no meal, just cake and punch, but it was tuxedos, not suits. I think we only booked the church for a total of 2 hours, so it was elegant and FAST. Many people were ticked we didn't make children welcome and that we didn't book a venue that permitted lots of reunion time. Oh well.

 

 

Still not getting the "everybody" thing. Like the entire family? Everyone who lives in town? I can kind of see "everyone" in the Catholic Church sense in that wedding masses are open to the entire parish, but then the reception guests are pared down a great deal.

[Murphy101]

Everyone - from close family to aunt mertles bridge partners to coworkers.