Help with stepson's multiple children.

[StaceyinLA]

I just have zero clue what to do anymore. My stepson is 26 years old. He has 3 children with 3 different girls, and one due (with one of the same girls) within the month. This will be the third one born in under a year.

 

He doesn't live with any of the girls (he lives with his mother). He sees each of the 3 he currently has two evenings a week, and one he has most weekends (the mom of that one is the one expecting again, and her lifestyle is bad to say the least).

 

We were and still are pretty involved with the oldest, because they stayed here with us for a year when he was a baby. I've seen the second one once in 11 months, and the newest one (born in January), I met yesterday.

 

The oldest dgs and his mom have a decent living situation; they live with her parents who pretty much have no other life except for their daughter and grandson. The one born in January looks like she has a good chance since they live with the girl's family and it's a normal, intact family that is very supportive and loving.

 

The other two (well, one and one that's due) are in a horrible situation. I guess they are being cared for, but it's just not good at all.

 

WWYD about any of this? How involved would you be? There is only so much we can do of course, but dh doesn't really want to get to know any of them (other than the one we are already very attached to). I feel like they are our grandchildren and we have to at least acknowledge that somehow. It's just an awful situation.

 

And yes, dss' grandmother has offered to pay for him to have a vasectomy. As of now he just won't do it. I wanna cut it off myself. He is setting some of these kids up for a life of poverty; the others are lucky.

 

I don't know what I'm asking for; maybe I just needed to vent. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Sorry for the ramble...

[Impish]

The children are innocent, and deserve as much as a relationship w/their grandparents as they can get. I'd do my best to be in their lives and have positive relationships w/them.

 

To ignore them and not pursue a relationship would be punishing innocents for the actions of another.

[JumpyTheFrog]

You and DH might be the most stable relatives some of the kids have. Is the one mother completely intolerable for you to be around? Unless she's absolutely horrid to you, it would probably be good for you to be the source of normalcy her kids will need.

[catz]

Yes, I would be sending them gifts at birthdays/holidays and encourage the dss to bring them over. That said, there is only so much you can likely do as a step parent if dss isn't super proactive and DH isn't super willing. Fostering a relationship with the mothers might be good if it's possible, but I wouldn't force it.

 

And wow, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that level of thoughtless procreation. Yep, it happens. 4 times with 3 different women? Poor kids! :(

[aggieamy]

I hope I'm not going to be flamed for this but ...

 

Would your DSS and his girlfriend consider adoption for their yet unborn child? There are so many wonderful families out there that would love to give that child a home if they parents aren't in a position to care for an additional child. Lots of adoption situations have parents that are interested in keeping in touch with the birth family.

[I.Dup.]

I hope I'm not going to be flamed for this but ...

 

Would your DSS and his girlfriend consider adoption for their yet unborn child? There are so many wonderful families out there that would love to give that child a home if they parents aren't in a position to care for an additional child. Lots of adoption situations have parents that are interested in keeping in touch with the birth family.

 

I know one family in particular who are desperate for another baby. They live in FL and they have already done one open adoption and it is working out beautifully.

[Impish]

And i hope they nail him for child support.

[aggieamy]

I know one family in particular who are desperate for another baby. They live in FL and they have already done one open adoption and it is working out beautifully.

 

The numbers our agency gave us are for every baby out there eligible for adoption there are ten couples looking to adopt. Birth parents can get their pick of families to raise their child.

[Ohdanigirl]

:grouphug: I am so sorry for what you are going through. Those poor babies.

[Anne in CA]

I am sorry. What a yucky situation. It is very hard when adult children make choices that make so much pain in other people's lives.

[Slipper]

I would suggest keeping in contact with all of the grandchildren and doing your best not to engage in discussion about the step-son when you visit. Birthdays and Christmas, and any other holidays would be lovely. Also consideration when it comes to school shopping and purchasing school supplies. I agree with others that you may be a very stable influence (in some cases the only stability) these kids will have.

[gardenmom5]

there is only so much you can do - but I would encourage each of the mothers to raise their expectations of how they (and their children) are treated and avoid (and cease tolerating) men like your step-son in the future

[indigomama]

Please do stay in contact and be involved as much as you can in the children's lives. More so, in the lives of the children with poor living situations.

 

I also think, your DH should sit down and have 1 strong, heart fel,t man to man with his son. Yes, DSS is grown, but he sounds like he obviously is making poor choices and could use some guidance. Your DH should be loving but matter of fact. DSS behavior is wrong and hurtful. I also, think he should be strongly encouraged to get a Vasectomy.

 

And then, leave it alone with DSS but continue to support the grandchildren.

[MedicMom]

IMO, there are no illegitimate children, just illegitimate parents...wow. what a mess.

[caroljenn]

I have a dss too. Mine isn't making babies, but I won't be surprised if he is married at least twice. He has a hard time making good decisions until he's made the wrong one first. His mother is a doozy. Lots of screaming and yelling and men cycling through every few years. She has a dd from another relationship and in the 12 years I've known dss, she has had three men living with her and the kids. Dss is, for lack of a better way of putting it, used to it. Dh and I are afraid that he will marry someone like his mother first, end up divorced (hopefulky with no dgc!) and then marry someone more mellow like me the second or third go-round.

 

Dh has been in his life consistently- there were times when they were together for sports or just visits 5-6 times per week. Ds thinks of our house as a sanctuary from his mom's crazy house. He used to come over and just lay on the sofa in the quiet for hours. Dh and I already foresee having less access to ds's kids than dd's. We are just planning on smothering them with love and atention as much as possible to counteract the negative influences coming from the other side. I think that's the best bet for you too. These kids need help and they need stability and love. The more loving adults in their lives the better!!

 

Good luck with your dgc. There is nothing you can do for a grown man, but the kids need you.

[Starr]

This sounds incredibly hard. :grouphug: You might be the only ones able to see if some of them are being cared for properly. I understand how your dh feels, it must be so overwhelming . You really can't support several families.

[Joanne]

I would maximize my relationship with the grandchildren. When my budget allowed, I'd buy them needed things (clothes, school supplies). If a medical issue came up, and I was able, I'd pay it *directly*.

 

I would not offer ANY financial support to the father of grandbabies. At present, he is an irresponsible, immature, arrogant sperm slinger.

[NorthwestMom]

At present, he is an irresponsible, immature, arrogant sperm slinger.

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[JBJones]

And i hope they nail him for child support.

Yes, I agree with this. I would hope that if he gets slapped between the eyes with the fact that he has to pay child support for four children, he will come to his senses and beg for the vasectomy. In our state, if the mother applies for welfare of any kind, the state then goes after the father for cs.

These children are going to need a constant source of support and love. I hope your DH takes a different stance and decides to become involved. My hat is off to you, as it sounds like you will be doing quite the juggling act.

[Danestress]

Stacey,

 

You have always seemed like an affectionate and involved mother. I know you have adored your grand children by your daughters.

 

This sounds like a really difficult situation, but I would try to spread that love around to the other kids, as much as their mothers and your DSS will permit. It would be very painful to reach adulthood knowing that your grandmother was devoted to your cousins, but ignored you because she didn't think you should have been born. It would hurt. At the very least, I would make sure to spend money evenly between your grandkids, even if you can't spread your time evenly.

 

But this situation is going to hurt a lot of people - you, them, your DSS someday. It does not sound good, and I sympathize.

[FaithManor]

I would maximize my relationship with the grandchildren. When my budget allowed, I'd buy them needed things (clothes, school supplies). If a medical issue came up, and I was able, I'd pay it *directly*.

 

I would not offer ANY financial support to the father of grandbabies. At present, he is an irresponsible, immature, arrogant sperm slinger.

 

Nominated for awesome post of the month! :hurray:

 

Faith

[mommaduck]

Is your dss one of my brothers??? As others have said, be in the lives of the children. I stay in contact with two of the the mothers in my brother's situation.

[Harriet Vane]

I would maximize my relationship with the grandchildren. When my budget allowed, I'd buy them needed things (clothes, school supplies). If a medical issue came up, and I was able, I'd pay it *directly*.

 

I would not offer ANY financial support to the father of grandbabies. At present, he is an irresponsible, immature, arrogant sperm slinger.

:iagree: These children need their family, especially if their father is irresponsible. They are your grandchildren. Accept them and love them wholeheartedly.

[Reflections]

I would maximize my relationship with the grandchildren. When my budget allowed, I'd buy them needed things (clothes, school supplies). If a medical issue came up, and I was able, I'd pay it *directly*.

 

I would not offer ANY financial support to the father of grandbabies. At present, he is an irresponsible, immature, arrogant sperm slinger.

 

 

 

This! You won't regret being good to your grandchildren....

[JuanitaL]

an irresponsible, immature, arrogant sperm slinger.

 

 

I am definitely writing this one down for future use.

[Retired]

I would try to be in their lives as much as the moms allow. My sister married a reformed "irresponsible, inmature, aggrogant sperm slinger " LOL He had 4 kids with 4 different moms within 2 year time. I knew when she married him it was gonna be a mess. I want go into all that but the thing I wanted to point out. THe boys have always had the grandparents for security and love even when the parents were acting like selfish, inmature jersk . THe moms were not much better than the dad. There was only one of the moms of the 4 that actually parent. My sister and the "sperm slinger" ended up with full custody of the other 3 boys. They were stable but both are till this day early 40's still yelingl and throwing stuff. These boys have never had a peaceful time it was even their mom house with the rotating boyfriends for my sister's house with them yelling at each otehr. The only peaceful time the boys have had have been time spent with grandparents or my house. The moms to these boys have never meet me but the boys have spent time at my house when all the adult in their life were screw-ups. I've cried many times when these kids ask could they come live with me. They have lived life with so much stress. They are all now teen boys 15-17 and still shuffled between all the adults in their life bio dad, bio mom, step grandparents, real grandparents, step aunts. well you get the picture

 

I just think you should talk to your dh and hopefull he will see you guys might be the little bit of calm and security those kids need

[StaceyinLA]

I appreciate the input. Let me clarify a couple of things. Dss DOES see the kids. He DOES want the kids, and he DOES pay child support (albeit not much per child because he doesn't make tons of money). Even though this is extremely irresponsible behavior, I don't want to give the impression that he is just making babies and bailing on them. He has had relationships with all 3 of the girls, clearly some at the same time, but the sad thing is, the girls KNEW this and were still with him.

 

Aside from that, no they wouldn't consider adoption for the coming baby (we'd probably take him if so). Dss is excited about it. I guess I just can't wrap my head around what he is THINKING!

 

But you all are right; we need to be a part of the kids' lives. We do help financially by purchasing clothing and necessities for the kids a couple times a year (spring and fall) and giving gifts at birthdays and Christmas. We are also going to help pay for oldest dsgs' private school starting next fall. I guess it's just hard to maintain relationships with such a broken, unhealthy situation.

[Impish]

I would not offer ANY financial support to the father of grandbabies. At present, he is an irresponsible, immature, arrogant sperm slinger.

 

*dyin*

 

OP, no, it won't be easy, but the kids are worth it.

[swellmomma]

Okay wait you dss is baby daddy to all these kids, and your husband, dss father and bio grandfather to all those babies doesn't want to have anything to do with the innocent kids in this mess? Hmmm, perhaps the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. Because what I am seeing is instead of your dh teaching your son to man up and face responsibility, he is showing him it is okay to walk away from innocent kids because you don't like how they were conceived.

 

Now if this was my son I would beat some sense into him and then spend as much time as I could making a relation with my grandbabies and their mothers. I would want my grandbabies to have the best possible lives, it sounds like 2 are getting that support but having 2(or 3 sets in this case) of loving grandparents doting ont eh children can only bring good things into their lives. The other 2 you said they are being cared for but you don't like the mother's lifestyle. Is there drugs? violence? neglect or abuse of the kids? Or do you simply not like her because she is too loose now having a 2nd child with your dss?

 

Your dss is a loser. your dh is following right on his heels imo. Those babies should not have to pay the price for the sins of the father. Be a part of their lives. That does not mean you have to give money. It means have a relationship, love on them, as they get bigger, go the the baseball games, and school concerts, and music recitals etc. Cheer them on, be their biggest fan because that is what a grandparent does for their grandkids whether they like the parent or not.

[StaceyinLA]

My dss is NOT walking away from the kids. HE sees them all, each 2 days/week, and one he gets almost every weekend (the one with the really messed up mom). My problem is not dss being involved, it's my dh not really wanting US to be very involved because it's such a messed up situation.

 

Dh definitely has issues, don't get me wrong. He has Borderline Personality Disorder, and has a VERY black/white way of seeing things. He is also a firm believer in "Boundaries" and feels like this is not really "our" place. There have been no issues with oldest dsgs, but the others have had no DNA testing, and dh doesn't feel responsible as a grandparent since he isn't SURE those are his grandkids. However, dss takes responsibility for them, and it's quite obvious they are his, so I feel like that's enough.

 

Also, dh was shoved out of dss' life when his wife left him for another man. We didn't start regularly seeing him until he was 10. He does work with dh though, and dh has done a lot over the last 6-7 years to help dss.

 

None of it is ideal. That's for sure.

[magnificent_baby]

If I were in your shoes, I'd be a loving Grandma with open arms. It sounds like for the most part, you are doing just that. Continue it. IMO, children are a blessing, even if it's not under "ideal" circumstances. I also feel his fertility is his own personal choice. That is awfully young to even suggest permanent measures. He's doing nothing illegal, and seems to care for and take care of his children. Some kids don't even get that much.

[awisha.]

Personally, I think you need to change your thread title because I think "illegitamate" is a horribly offensive way to describe innocent babies.

 

I thought that sort of thinking died out in the early 1900's :glare:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think the children are innocent and cannot have too many people in their lives to love them, help them, enjoy them, value them, teach them, etc. Will it be painful? Possibly. Worth it? almost definitely. Who knows if the unconditional love, understanding, and relationship you share with them will be what helps them become great people? The fewer people giving them these things, the less likely they'll end up okay....

[treestarfae]

I would encourage the moms to get some self esteem and find real men to marry and raise kids. Are all the moms on public assistance? Sounds sad for the kids.

[ondreeuh]

My DD has no relationship with her biological father, but she is close to his parents, sister, and cousin. It means a lot to her that she is acknowledged, accepted, and loved by that family. It really helps clarify that her bio father is the one with the issue, not her.

 

Your DSS may or may not have an active role in his children's lives, but I encourage you to do what you can to pick up his slack and include them in your family.

[HS Mom in NC]

Maybe for your step-son's birthday (or for say....next Tuesday) you could offer to pay for his vasectomy. I think my husband's was about $300, it took less than 20 minutes, and he was moving furniture two days later. Imagine how many more babies might be discovered in the future if his ability to sling sperm isn't squashed immediately.

 

Those grandkids needs as much love and attention as you can give them. You and your husband may be the only opportunity to be a good example to them of a quality man and a quality woman-if you both make a committed, conscientious effort to do so.

[Catwoman]

IMO, whether or not your dss has an active role in his children's lives and whether or not he tries to help support them financially, I would think it would be a nearly impossible task, as he has children with three different women. He would run himself ragged trying to spend adequate time with all of those kids -- there simply aren't enough hours in the day. And while I know he sends child support to the moms, it's not much, so he's not really supporting them.

 

I know this is going to sound very harsh, but maybe it's time he tried to keep it in his pants long enough to get himself a better job, move out of his mother's house, support himself, his children, and the moms of those children properly, and maybe even (gasp!) think about being in a more permanent relationship before he makes any more babies.

 

I'm sure he's a nice guy (certainly the ladies seem to like him :rolleyes:) but I'm finding it difficult to find anything particularly nice to say about him because he has made such poor decisions... and not even just with one woman at a time! :eek:

 

And please don't think I'm excusing the women -- they are just as much at fault as he is -- and perhaps even more so, because I'm sure he doesn't keep his history and his other kids a secret from them. I don't know what is attracting your dss to such clueless women, but apparently "mutual lack of common sense" appears to be a big part of it.

 

I feel sorry for those kids. I'm sorry you and your dh are in a tough spot -- I'm sure your dh has spoken to your dss repeatedly about the consequences of his behavior, so I guess the only thing you can do is love the babies and hope your dss grows up and develops some maturity soon. :grouphug:

[StaceyinLA]

Personally, I think you need to change your thread title because I think "illegitamate" is a horribly offensive way to describe innocent babies.

 

I thought that sort of thinking died out in the early 1900's :glare:

 

 

I apologize. I just didn't know what other way to describe it in few words.

[StaceyinLA]

IMO, whether or not your dss has an active role in his children's lives and whether or not he tries to help support them financially, I would think it would be a nearly impossible task, as he has children with three different women. He would run himself ragged trying to spend adequate time with all of those kids -- there simply aren't enough hours in the day. And while I know he sends child support to the moms, it's not much, so he's not really supporting them.

 

I know this is going to sound very harsh, but maybe it's time he tried to keep it in his pants long enough to get himself a better job, move out of his mother's house, support himself, his children, and the moms of those children properly, and maybe even (gasp!) think about being in a more permanent relationship before he makes any more babies.

 

I'm sure he's a nice guy (certainly the ladies seem to like him :rolleyes:) but I'm finding it difficult to find anything particularly nice to say about him because he has made such poor decisions... and not even just with one woman at a time! :eek:

 

And please don't think I'm excusing the women -- they are just as much at fault as he is -- and perhaps even more so, because I'm sure he doesn't keep his history and his other kids a secret from them. I don't know what is attracting your dss to such clueless women, but apparently "mutual lack of common sense" appears to be a big part of it.

 

I feel sorry for those kids. I'm sorry you and your dh are in a tough spot -- I'm sure your dh has spoken to your dss repeatedly about the consequences of his behavior, so I guess the only thing you can do is love the babies and hope your dss grows up and develops some maturity soon. :grouphug:

 

 

It's not harsh. It is exactly how I feel. Part of me would like to walk away from it because the whole situation is quite sick and twisted, but the bigger part of me can't walk away from those babies. I CANNOT, for the LIFE of me, figure out why he has not restrained himself, or at the very least PROTECTED himself iykwim.

 

You are correct in that he is certainly not solely supporting them. I believe they all get WIC, but none get other assistance as of now because they all live with parents/families. Only one of the three girls is in a situation that will definitely keep her from needing assistance. Oldest dsgs and his mother live with his grandparents. They adore him and do for him, but they struggle financially for sure. The one who is expecting the second baby is the one in the worst situation, but the child she has now is the one dss spends the most time with (he has her most weekends, and usually a couple evenings during the week). I feel like he steps up where he's needed the most, but spreading himself this thin will not last forever.

 

Yes, dh has done what he can. We can only hope his "streak" is over. It's just a terrible situation, but we are gonna have to step up.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Stacey, there are three ways to play this.

 

You and DH

You and DH & DSS

You

 

Those are the only teams you can create here.

 

I say pitch the top two, carve some time out for yourself, you define the rules and roles YOU are comfortable with period. You deliver those lines and rules to *all* the others and stand firm and in peace with whatever YOU can handle.

 

If you take a deep look inward and want nothing to do with it *for now or forever* - then communicate that. You have your life to live here too. The feelings you have now probably aren't going to be the feelings you'll have in ten years, but for just now..make some sort of commitment to find your center so you can be the best you can be in whatever role you choose freely, but whatever choices you make need to be expressed for your own sense of sanity.

 

It sounds like you've had it. Totally and utterly had it.

[Catwoman]

 

 

It's not harsh. It is exactly how I feel. Part of me would like to walk away from it because the whole situation is quite sick and twisted, but the bigger part of me can't walk away from those babies. I CANNOT, for the LIFE of me, figure out why he has not restrained himself, or at the very least PROTECTED himself iykwim.

 

You are correct in that he is certainly not solely supporting them. I believe they all get WIC, but none get other assistance as of now because they all live with parents/families. Only one of the three girls is in a situation that will definitely keep her from needing assistance. Oldest dsgs and his mother live with his grandparents. They adore him and do for him, but they struggle financially for sure. The one who is expecting the second baby is the one in the worst situation, but the child she has now is the one dss spends the most time with (he has her most weekends, and usually a couple evenings during the week). I feel like he steps up where he's needed the most, but spreading himself this thin will not last forever.

 

Yes, dh has done what he can. We can only hope his "streak" is over. It's just a terrible situation, but we are gonna have to step up.

 

Stacey, I can't even imagine the stress that you and your dh are under as a result of this. :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[lmrich]

Do you live close by? Can you be physically involved? Every mom needs a break. Call offer to babysit. Invite the babies over for granny camp. You can only control your actions. Love those babies.

[Tammyla]

My dss is NOT walking away from the kids. HE sees them all, each 2 days/week, and one he gets almost every weekend (the one with the really messed up mom). My problem is not dss being involved, it's my dh not really wanting US to be very involved because it's such a messed up situation.

 

Dh definitely has issues, don't get me wrong. He has Borderline Personality Disorder, and has a VERY black/white way of seeing things. He is also a firm believer in "Boundaries" and feels like this is not really "our" place. There have been no issues with oldest dsgs, but the others have had no DNA testing, and dh doesn't feel responsible as a grandparent since he isn't SURE those are his grandkids. However, dss takes responsibility for them, and it's quite obvious they are his, so I feel like that's enough.

 

Also, dh was shoved out of dss' life when his wife left him for another man. We didn't start regularly seeing him until he was 10. He does work with dh though, and dh has done a lot over the last 6-7 years to help dss.

 

None of it is ideal. That's for sure.

 

 

Stacey,

 

Have you considered suggesting and paying for the DNA testing to help your dh accept the children. It doesn't cost much and could be beneficial to everyone in the long run. (I've had experience with a df thinking her dad was her bio-father and finding out when she was 19 that he wasn't; it was devastating.)

 

I feel for the babies, it isn't fair and their lives are going to be more difficult because of their parents decisions. I hope your dds and his gfs can be encouraged to practice some sort of birth control; a vasectomy would be ideal, but anything would be better than nothing. It sounds like he is very immature and not thinking of how this growing number of children he is happily making are going to struggle growing up.

[Impish]

A caution about DNA testing:

 

I'd be flaming furious if anyone had asked me to submit my children to such. It absolutely would have had a serious negative impact on any relationship. Since DSS has accepted the children as his, that should be more than enough for his parents. Period.

[treestarfae]

It's not harsh. It is exactly how I feel. Part of me would like to walk away from it because the whole situation is quite sick and twisted, but the bigger part of me can't walk away from those babies. I CANNOT, for the LIFE of me, figure out why he has not restrained himself, or at the very least PROTECTED himself iykwim.

 

You are correct in that he is certainly not solely supporting them. I believe they all get WIC, but none get other assistance as of now because they all live with parents/families. Only one of the three girls is in a situation that will definitely keep her from needing assistance. Oldest dsgs and his mother live with his grandparents. They adore him and do for him, but they struggle financially for sure. The one who is expecting the second baby is the one in the worst situation, but the child she has now is the one dss spends the most time with (he has her most weekends, and usually a couple evenings during the week). I feel like he steps up where he's needed the most, but spreading himself this thin will not last forever.

 

Yes, dh has done what he can. We can only hope his "streak" is over. It's just a terrible situation, but we are gonna have to step up.

 

 

I don't get why you feel responsible for his/her actions? They all sound like spoiled brats. Do any of them have health or dental insurance? How do these people afford all the health and dental care involved? I would try to convince him to at least try to settle down with the currently pregnant one so there's some stability. The mom of this man sounds like an enabler. She should have kicked him out long ago.

[Cera]

I would definitely have dna testing done on all of the children. It is admirable that dss has stepped up but the reality is that if one of the moms decided later that she doesn't want dss in the picture she can choose dna testing and if he isn't the father he could lose the right to be in the lives of the kids he is caring for. He can do what he wants with the information but he should know one way or the other.

 

There is no need to talk to any of the moms about dna testing (which as a pp said might cause problems). You said that dss regularly has each of the kids. If you are just testing for paternity all you need to do is swab the child's cheek and swab dss' then send the sample away. He has the legal right to do this and it is cheap and noninvasive.

 

 

eta: If dss is reluctant to test the kids it might be worth explaining to him that his dad is afraid to get close to the kids because he is worried that they will someday be proven not to be family and be taken away. If dss is sure and understands that his dad wants to be part of the kids lives but is scared to do so he might be more willing.

[Tammyla]

I totally understand, but her dh is the one having trouble and it might help him accept the grandchildren.

 

A caution about DNA testing:

 

I'd be flaming furious if anyone had asked me to submit my children to such. It absolutely would have had a serious negative impact on any relationship. Since DSS has accepted the children as his, that should be more than enough for his parents. Period.

[HS Mom in NC]

DNA tests aren't accusations about a person's character. Questions answered are a good thing all around for everyone involved. It protects the father should the relationship end with the mother and she tries to take the kids and deny him visitation or joint custody by claiming he isn't the father. It protects the mother by having a legally recognized father who is legally responsible for support. It protects the child by having a clear answer about paternity even if one or both of the parents are total losers who might lie about it at their convenience.

 

The earlier it's done, the better. That way the father(s) of the children have no reason to hold back in their bonding or financial support with their children, and the mothers can get court ordered child support from the right person to begin with. These things would be true of the grandparents too. If you and your spouse and your son get attached to any of these babies and then you later find out he isn't the baby daddy, you will have absolutely no legal recourse to continue a relationship with them if the mother(s) don't want you to.

 

Get the DNA tests done ASAP.

[k10coon]

The irony here is amazing. I don't mean to sound like I'm judging, but think about it. A non-blood relative (you) seems more concerned than a blood relative (the husband) about the children. A DNA test is not necessary for you to love your husband's son and be involved in his life, but a DNA test is required for your husband to love his grandchildren and be involved in theirs?