PSA regarding "save the date" wedding announcements...

[DianeW88]

I had a year long engagement. I don't see the problem, and I don't remember dragging anyone through "garbage." My dh surprised me with a ring and asked me to marry him. I was happy to agree, but was 2 years into a degree I wanted to complete and had a full scholarship for. He had just moved for his job. I didn't want to quit school, and I didn't want to spend my first year apart. We just had a year long engagement. I can't imagine why anyone beside the two of us would have any opinion about that at all.

 

Well, I'm sure you probably didn't drag anyone through garbage. I fully admit that my entire perception of weddings and engagements has been skewed by two brides and three mothers-of-the-bride that I worked with. These women were not having a wedding for a year or TWO, and all we heard about for that entire stretch of time was how difficult planning "the wedding" was. We were all subjected to endless, pointless details on flowers, rings, bands (with one lady bringing up tapes that she played during lunch so we could "vote" on the band choice), cakes, dresses, etc. ad nauseum. Honestly, by the time these women got married (and only 2/3 of them actually went through with the weddings after the loooong engagements), we were sick to death of it and could have cared less whether or not they ever got married. I have had enough of self-centered brides, their wedding plans and their mothers to last two lifetimes. :D

[Mrs Mungo]

 

Presumably someone who cared enough about you to invite you to the wedding would give you a heads-up far enough in advance so you could make arrangements.

 

 

 

Yes, and the save the date card is your heads up.

 

 

Exactly. My sister has to hand in her vacation requests six months in advance. She's already decided when to visit me this year, even though *we don't even know where we will be living*. For military people (like us)? We have friends *all over the world*. Giving them a heads-up well in advance allows people to tell the couple whether they will be in the correct part of the world for the wedding. Life is complicated. The couple is trying to share their happy day with as many of their loved ones as possible. If you don't think well enough of the couple to give them the benefit of the doubt, then just toss the card and don't plan on going to the wedding.

[Mrs Mungo]

It sounds as if you aren't in regular touch with said relative, at least not enough to know much of what goes on in her life. Around the time of the second wedding, you might just send a congratulatory card only and leave it at that. (Attend the service if you wish to do so.) It is hard to imagine that she will have been married for so many months and survived in a house or apartment fully unfurnished and without any towels, pots/pans, sheets, glasses, etc.

 

 

Depends upon the circumstances. In military circles having a quick wedding before the military member goes off to training or on a deployment and planning a church wedding upon return is pretty common. The couple does not acquire anything as a married couple because they aren't living together.

[Catwoman]

Well, I'm sure you probably didn't drag anyone through garbage. I fully admit that my entire perception of weddings and engagements has been skewed by two brides and three mothers-of-the-bride that I worked with. These women were not having a wedding for a year or TWO, and all we heard about for that entire stretch of time was how difficult planning "the wedding" was. We were all subjected to endless, pointless details on flowers, rings, bands (with one lady bringing up tapes that she played during lunch so we could "vote" on the band choice), cakes, dresses, etc. ad nauseum. Honestly, by the time these women got married (and only 2/3 of them actually went through with the weddings after the loooong engagements), we were sick to death of it and could have cared less whether or not they ever got married. I have had enough of self-centered brides, their wedding plans and their mothers to last two lifetimes. :D

 

 

:iagree:

 

It seems that a lot of people spend more time and money planning their weddings than they do on the actual marriage. It's an afternoon of your life, not the center of everyone else's universe. Have fun planning it, but please spare me every. last. detail.

[Orthodox6]

Excellent point!

 

 

Depends upon the circumstances. In military circles having a quick wedding before the military member goes off to training or on a deployment and planning a church wedding upon return is pretty common. The couple does not acquire anything as a married couple because they aren't living together.

 

[Arcadia]

Dear Miss Manners,

 

I recently received a Save the Date notice from a relative, notifying me that her wedding date is planned for next summer. I had not realized said relative was even seeing someone seriously, but am very happy for her and duly noted date on my calendar. However, when discussing the engagement with another relative, I was told that engaged woman is actually already married, having taken vows at City Hall. No one is supposed to know this little fact, and we are forbidden to discuss it. Do I act as if I am ignorant of the situation and attend wedding, or do I send a gift and my congratulations and forbear to attend wedding, as bride and groom are already married?

 

Signed,

Confused in California

 

 

Don't understand the secrecy but no big deal about having the civil ceremony first and than the wedding reception/party later.

Just enjoy the wedding and bring a gift.

 

My wedding party was 2 years after my civil wedding ceremony. We decided we wanted the big party when our house was ready (it was being built when we married) so that our guest could celebrate our wedding and new home at the same time. We did our civil wedding early for spousal benefits as well as convenience on legal documents.

My nephew also did the civil wedding two years before his wedding party as he was going to be outstation to an overseas air base and wanted to bring his wife along for the two years.

There was no secrecy though.

[TranquilMind]

Those are not invitations. People do not need to RSVP to them. If you send out save-the-date announcements but no invitation, people cannot RSVP to the wedding and will plan something else on that day.

 

That is all.

 

:glare:

 

 

I don't understand these sort of announcements. I'm not going to save the date unless I am invited.

[Ellie]

I don't understand these sort of announcements. I'm not going to save the date unless I am invited.

 

 

Same here.

[Carrie12345]

 

Scenario 3: You get the actual wedding invitation in the mail, to which you RSVP. :-)

 

 

But wouldn't a phone call be so much more effective and cheaper than fancy invitations?

Yes, I'm being sarcastic.

A save-the-date with no follow up invitation is dumb, for sure. But it's silly to consider save-the-dates wasteful when nearly every aspect of a formal wedding is wasteful.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't understand these sort of announcements. I'm not going to save the date unless I am invited.

 

 

Every time I've received a "Save the Date" it has been well in advance of the normal time frame for sending out invitations. An invitation has always eventually followed, unless the wedding was canceled or postponed for some reason (usually deployment in my circles).

[FaithManor]

Well, I'm supposed to be offline. However, I think I need a break from life and will stay on longer. So here goes:

 

As a mother of the bride, I can honestly say that when we began planning dd's wedding, we did so with joy. Joy that we could do this for her, joy that we love the young man who will be like a son to us, joy for the occasion. Other humans have sucked the ever loving life out of it. There is not a single decision that she, or I, or the groom can make that doesn't tick someone off somewhere and all of them feel the need to express their angst by phone, email, or in person.

 

Frankly, if so much wasn't already paid for and non-refundable this soon to the date so we had the money left, we'd be calling it off and shipping them to Jamaica to get married in peace and quiet.

 

We sent out save-the-dates to be kind and courteous to those that might want to make travel arrangements in advance because it's considered bad to send invitations 6 months in advance, yet the best plane fares and hotel room charges usually are when you have more than a month or six weeks notice and because some people are really hard to get a hold of. But, I also get that they are many times unnecessary when everyone invited lives pretty close. I wasn't aware there would be so much controversy. However, everyone who received one will also receive an invitation. No, we did not expect anyone to RSVP...that was not the point.

 

DD will not be having any kind of shower or party. She has never been particularly fond of the idea anyway because she doesn't want to be seen as a gift grabber anyway. She now also realizes that it's just one more event in which everyone can later go on facebook and trash her for whatever it is they feel slighted about.

 

Jamaica....go to Jamaica....leave "civilization" behind!

 

Faith

[Jenny in Florida]

For the record, my engagement was four months long. We were married in Salt Lake with a large reception that evening, flew to Denver for another large reception there the next night, went on a week long honeymoon to Cancun, then had an open house/reception at my parents' country club in Delaware. All that was very doable in a four month time frame.

 

 

If money is no object -- and if one's parents happen to belong to a country club -- I'm sure it is do-able.

 

Nowadays, many couples are contributing heavily towards or paying for their own weddings. And it can take a young couple time to get the financial aspects of this kind of celebration in order. I refuse to debate the question of whether it's appropriate to have a big, fancy, expensive wedding if you have to work and save and stay engaged for two years in order to make it happen. If it's important to a couple, it's none of my business.

 

(For the record, my husband and I paid for our own wedding. We were married in a small but lovely space outside of the main sanctuary at our then-church, had the reception -- for which I prepared all of the food except one platter of pastries we bought from a favorite local bakery -- at our apartment, then took a three-day budget honeymoon at a beach two hours away. I also did all of the flower arrangements and decorations for both the church and reception. It still took us six months to pull together the money and, with both of us working full time, energy and time to do that much.)

 

Look, as I understand it, the Save-the-Date cards are a courtesy. Couples understand that people have busy lives and lots of demands on their time and money. Many families include two working parents, which means coordinating two vacation schedules in order to get time off for events, especially those that require out-of-town travel. Letting those you plan to invite know farther in advance than it is traditionally considered polite to mail the formal invitation means they have additional time to manage the details and improve the chances they will be able to attend. It's not meant to be pressure. It's not meant to be selfish. It's just meant to be helpful to everyone involved.

 

I honestly don't understand the negativity about something that should be a joyous occasion.

[FaithManor]

Well, I'm sure you probably didn't drag anyone through garbage. I fully admit that my entire perception of weddings and engagements has been skewed by two brides and three mothers-of-the-bride that I worked with. These women were not having a wedding for a year or TWO, and all we heard about for that entire stretch of time was how difficult planning "the wedding" was. We were all subjected to endless, pointless details on flowers, rings, bands (with one lady bringing up tapes that she played during lunch so we could "vote" on the band choice), cakes, dresses, etc. ad nauseum. Honestly, by the time these women got married (and only 2/3 of them actually went through with the weddings after the loooong engagements), we were sick to death of it and could have cared less whether or not they ever got married. I have had enough of self-centered brides, their wedding plans and their mothers to last two lifetimes. :D

 

I'm sorry! I've met people like that too. I try so hard not to talk about this stuff IRL unless someone asks me a specific question and genuinely seems interested.

 

I love my future son-in-law. I hate being the mother of the bride and am grateful that my other children are all boys.

 

Going totally mute about the wedding from this day forward if I can possibly manage it.

 

Faith

[4kiddies]

I've appreciated the ones I've received. They were special weddings, involving travel for us. While 6 months is too early to start asking people for RSVPs and firm commitments, it is a great time to give people a head's up so they can save the weekend and make travel plans if necessary.

 

 

Yes, this is how I feel as well. I don't think EVERY wedding needs a save the date but if their is travel involved it is greatly appreciated.

[Jenny in Florida]

Well, I'm supposed to be offline. However, I think I need a break from life and will stay on longer. So here goes:

 

As a mother of the bride, I can honestly say that when we began planning dd's wedding, we did so with joy. Joy that we could do this for her, joy that we love the young man who will be like a son to us, joy for the occasion. Other humans have sucked the ever loving life out of it. There is not a single decision that she, or I, or the groom can make that doesn't tick someone off somewhere and all of them feel the need to express their angst by phone, email, or in person.

 

Frankly, if so much wasn't already paid for and non-refundable this soon to the date so we had the money left, we'd be calling it off and shipping them to Jamaica to get married in peace and quiet.

 

We sent out save-the-dates to be kind and courteous to those that might want to make travel arrangements in advance because it's considered bad to send invitations 6 months in advance, yet the best plane fares and hotel room charges usually are when you have more than a month or six weeks notice and because some people are really hard to get a hold of. But, I also get that they are many times unnecessary when everyone invited lives pretty close. I wasn't aware there would be so much controversy. However, everyone who received one will also receive an invitation. No, we did not expect anyone to RSVP...that was not the point.

 

DD will not be having any kind of shower or party. She has never been particularly fond of the idea anyway because she doesn't want to be seen as a gift grabber anyway. She now also realizes that it's just one more event in which everyone can later go on facebook and trash her for whatever it is they feel slighted about.

 

Jamaica....go to Jamaica....leave "civilization" behind!

 

Faith

 

I'm sorry you and your daughter are feeling this way. You are right that someone will find something to get irked about, no matter how hard we try to be kind and considerate.

 

Personally, I LOVE weddings. Even though my own was, necessarily, tiny (and not up to Ellie's standards for formality, I'm certain), I never tire of hearing about other people's celebrations. My daughter has been fascinated by weddings since she was tiny, and we've been planning and re-planning hers for several years. I remember well how absorbed and happy I was when I was elbow deep in preparations for my own wedding, and I enjoy reliving that vicariously through younger women. There are so many dreams, so much joy, wrapped up in the processs . . .

 

It makes me sad that folks in your life are stomping on your family's happiness. I hope you can take a break, do something else for a bit and then dig back into wedding stuff with renewed enthusiasm, tuning out the pooh-heads and focusing on your daughter and her groom.

[Parrothead]

 

 

We sent out save-the-dates to be kind and courteous to those that might want to make travel arrangements in advance because it's considered bad to send invitations 6 months in advance, yet the best plane fares and hotel room charges usually are when you have more than a month or six weeks notice and because some people are really hard to get a hold of. But, I also get that they are many times unnecessary when everyone invited lives pretty close. I wasn't aware there would be so much controversy. However, everyone who received one will also receive an invitation. No, we did not expect anyone to RSVP...that was not the point.

 

 

That was the kind thing to do.

 

And because you've sent the cards to distant friends and family you'd better send them locally too so no one gets a nose bent out of shape. But of course sending them at all gets a nose bent out of shape because people want to tell you how to spend your money. There is no pleasing everyone in a large event situation. All you can do is follow the etiquette as closely as your circumstances allow all the while doing what make the happy couple happy.

 

i think I'm going to be all for taking dd, her fiance, his parents and dh and myself to Jamaica if and when dd gets married. Especially after reading about the BS you are dealing with. :grouphug:

[Danestress]

 

Well, I'm sure you probably didn't drag anyone through garbage. I fully admit that my entire perception of weddings and engagements has been skewed by two brides and three mothers-of-the-bride that I worked with.

 

I can certainly understand why that would be tiresome!

 

 

[KatieJ]

I don't understand these sort of announcements. I'm not going to save the date unless I am invited.

 

I am thinking we are all talking/posting in circles here. Save the Date cards as I have received and sent are intended to be a heads up. They are not fishing to find out who is going to be able to come. They do not come with an RSVP. I can imagine that in the beginning flurry of excitement that someone would have every intention of inviting you and therefore you were sent a Save the Date card. Later when reality of how much this wedding is actually going to cost kicks in, you get deleted from the list. It would be tacky, I would be offended. But I can see how it would happen.

[Catwoman]

 

Going totally mute about the wedding from this day forward if I can possibly manage it.

 

Faith

 

Don't be silly, Faith -- rant whenever you feel the need! We're here for you! :grouphug:

[Hoot]

I haven't read all of the other responses yet but, my understanding of a "save the date" announcement is when the wedding is too far in the future to send out invitations yet, but the date has been set and plans are already in motion. They are a particularly good idea during a busy time of the year like Christmas or summer. They're not yet looking for attendance information, just sending a heads up.

[justasque]

...And in this case, it wasn't only the formal, printed card; it was a refrigerator magnet. The bride spent a fortune on those, I'm sure.

Furthermore, because I did not RSVP to the save-the-date announcement, I did not recieve an invitation to the wedding. :blink: :huh:

 

Ellie, I apologize. I did not quite grasp the issue from your first post, probably because the idea of an RSVP for an STD was so crazy I couldn't comprehend it.

 

My two cents:

 

1) STDs are a courtesy to close friends and family members (NOT the whole guest list), so they can save the money, buy the plane tickets, and otherwise plan ahead so they can attend your wedding (which also generally functions as a family reunion). They are particularly useful if the event is on or around a holiday, and/or the guests will be travelling a distance to get there, and/or attending the wedding will be a financial reach.

 

2) STDs should NOT require an RSVP!!! There is not yet anything to RSVP *TO*!!! If someone can't make it, and they're very close to the couple, it would be thoughtful and wise to mention it as soon as the STD arrives, so that any alternate arrangements can be discussed and the couple can be aware that key people may be missing. However, guests should not be expected to confirm that they *will* attend, as, again, there is nothing yet to RSVP to, not to mention it being rather early to commit.

 

3) EVERYONE who got a STD should get an invitation, EVEN if they are not able to make the wedding. An STD is NOT an invitation. It is NOT a fishing expedition. The same number or MORE people should get invitations than got STDs.

 

4) Once the invite arrives, the sooner the invitee can reply with an RSVP, the better. The earlier the bride has a sense of numbers, the easier her planning is.

 

To issue a "Save the Date" and subsequently not issue an invitation to the actual event? :ohmy: It is the height of ignorance. (And not to mention, rather mean-spirited!)

 

Yep, that it is.

[Catwoman]

My two cents:

 

1) STDs are a courtesy to close friends and family members (NOT the whole guest list), so they can save the money, buy the plane tickets, and otherwise plan ahead so they can attend your wedding (which also generally functions as a family reunion). They are particularly useful if the event is on or around a holiday, and/or the guests will be travelling a distance to get there, and/or attending the wedding will be a financial reach.

 

2) STDs should NOT require an RSVP!!! There is not yet anything to RSVP *TO*!!! If someone can't make it, and they're very close to the couple, it would be thoughtful and wise to mention it as soon as the STD arrives, so that any alternate arrangements can be discussed and the couple can be aware that key people may be missing. However, guests should not be expected to confirm that they *will* attend, as, again, there is nothing yet to RSVP to, not to mention it being rather early to commit.

 

3) EVERYONE who got a STD should get an invitation, EVEN if they are not able to make the wedding. An STD is NOT an invitation. It is NOT a fishing expedition. The same number or MORE people should get invitations than got STDs.

 

4) Once the invite arrives, the sooner the invitee can reply with an RSVP, the better. The earlier the bride has a sense of numbers, the easier her planning is.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Orthodox6]

-

[happypamama]

This was the first save-the-date announcement I've ever gotten. It came in a beautiful envelope, with a beautiful *magnet* to put on the fridge. I can only imagine how profitable this is to stationers, that they can sucker save-the-date plus multiple-piece invitations plus whatever else they can manage to convince happy couples that They Must Have.

 

 

That seems a bit much, but a simple postcard or something as a heads-up doesn't seem inappropriate (though, no, it doesn't require an RSVP). My brother and SIL were engaged for over a year before their wedding, because both of them were away at college and not near the location of the wedding, plus with a summer wedding, it made sense to let people know as far in advance as possible about the wedding date, especially if travel was necessary. Our wedding was the beginning of August, and I know we sent out the invitations (but we did not do "save the date" notices) in early May to allow people who would want to be there to make vacation plans accordingly.

 

But yes, the very fancy ones sound like money-grabbers -- but what isn't, these days?

 

ETA: I do think it's really rude and tacky to send someone a "save the date" notice and then no invitation to the wedding!

[redheadmom]

Honestly, I tell my brides that they should think about sending out some sort of Save the Date...a postcard, an email, something...especially if their wedding is on a busy weekend. You would send a Save the Date to anyone you also would send an invitation.

 

Most invitations don't get sent until about 8 weeks before the wedding so that isn't always enough advance notice. However, I also suggest that brides create a wedding website that lets guests know about the wedding details. Some of those sites also include an online RSVP function which saves on postage later since you wouldn't have to include all of the RSVP cards, envelopes, etc.

 

For me personally, I actually need about 6 - 12 months advance notice of weekend events since the majority of the wedding I do are on the weekend. I would hate to miss a family event, but it has almost happened a few times when people don't let me know early enough.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[KatieJ]

I'm trying. Really. I still just don't see that these are necessary for a wedding. If someone lives at a great distance, I would not be inviting him or her because of that fact. (Wedding announcements exist for such instances.) I don't run in circles wealthy enough to pay for travel. Only if the connection who lives so far away is tremendously close a relationship would I be sending an invitation. Plus, I would know the person well enough that we would be communicating regularly to begin with, and he or she would know about an engagement and tentative date.

 

 

Life is just not like that for us. We have moved from our hometown, several states away. DH family lives all over the US. DD#2 married a guy from another state yet and his family lives in several states. I am not talking distant relatives either. I am talking sibblings of mine and my DH.

If we had not invited all those folks, we would have about 20 close friends at our children's weddings. Period. We do not live live near any family at all! Almost all of DH's family came to our DD wedding. His sibblings and all of their kids and grandkids. It was a mini family reunion. However, they all needed months to plan to make that happen as they all had to fly or drive. Most of them were traveling for a week. Seriously, it was lots and lots of phone calls! I would have loved to have had a Save the Date card to send out the necessary information. As I said earlier, we had 140 or something folks in hotels for 2 - 4 days and most of those folks ate our house at least one time over the weekend. We had the rehearsal dinner in our backyard. Groom's family was completely uninvolved in the planning. I was busy!

[Renthead Mommy]

I'm trying. Really. I still just don't see that these are necessary for a wedding. If someone lives at a great distance, I would not be inviting him or her because of that fact. (Wedding announcements exist for such instances.) I don't run in circles wealthy enough to pay for travel. Only if the connection who lives so far away is tremendously close a relationship would I be sending an invitation. Plus, I would know the person well enough that we would be communicating regularly to begin with, and he or she would know about an engagement and tentative date.

 

My life was so simple. The Orthodox wedding service is what it is. No planning required. The wedding choir music is what it is. (One may select particular hymn settings, however, and may select additional hymns to be sung before the service begins.) We invited whom we wished to invite. If they could come, they did. If they could not come, they didn't. Straightforward.

 

 

 

But lots of people have close enough relationships with people that live far away that they would want to invite to their wedding. We, and most of our friends, travel to everything because no one lives near anyone.

 

And even if I'm FB with someone, and know when the month they are getting married, that doesn't mean I know or remember the date. If it doesn't make it onto the calendar in my purse, it doesn't exisits. And believe it or not, there really are a lot people out there that don't do FB.

 

As for how simple planning a Orthodox wedding is, most of the planning and difficulty has close to nothing to do with the church part of a wedding. The difficult part of a wedding is planning, finding and booking the rehersal and everything that goes with that. (photos, music, dresses, menus, flowers, linens, invitations, favors, cars, bridal party, seating arrangements, guest lists, RSVP/headcounts and everything else that goes with it.) The ceremony part is usually nothing in comparision, especially if you are having it at a church.

[Catwoman]

However, I also suggest that brides create a wedding website that lets guests know about the wedding details. Some of those sites also include an online RSVP function which saves on postage later since you wouldn't have to include all of the RSVP cards, envelopes, etc.

 

 

I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but for crying out loud, a wedding shouldn't be this big a production. Why do these couples think their wedding is so crucially important to the entire world that they believe they need a website to keep everyone up to date on all of the details? How many details do the guests need to have? They need to know when and where the wedding will be, and a bit of information about the dress code. If they need to book a hotel, that's one more thing. But that's all.

 

I'm telling you, I blame those idiotic TLC wedding reality shows for a lot of this narcissistic nonsense.

[FaithManor]

Life is just not like that for us. We have moved from our hometown, several states away. DH family lives all over the US. DD#2 married a guy from another state yet and his family lives in several states. I am not talking distant relatives either. I am talking sibblings of mine and my DH.

If we had not invited all those folks, we would have about 20 close friends at our children's weddings. Period. We do not live live near any family at all! Almost all of DH's family came to our DD wedding. His sibblings and all of their kids and grandkids. It was a mini family reunion. However, they all needed months to plan to make that happen as they all had to fly or drive. Most of them were traveling for a week. Seriously, it was lots and lots of phone calls! I would have loved to have had a Save the Date card to send out the necessary information. As I said earlier, we had 140 or something folks in hotels for 2 - 4 days and most of those folks ate our house at least one time over the weekend. We had the rehearsal dinner in our backyard. Groom's family was completely uninvolved in the planning. I was busy!

 

 

You know, that sounds like a lovely event!

 

This is where I think it's really helpful if we can put aside our own preconceived notions and assumptions. Every family is different. Every family culture can come with unique obligations and circumstances that require outside-the-box solutions.

 

When I became engaged, it was quite the flurry of gossip. In our rural area, no one married "outside the community." By that I mean that pretty much everyone met their future spouse in high school, if they went to college it was always to one of the commuter colleges, rarely away to dorms and even those few that did, went to MSU or U of M, never out of state. So, any particular set of inlaws was not likely to live more than 20 or 30 minutes from any other set and certainly no more than a couple of hours away. Gasp, I went to school out of state, I married a boy who was from a state 1400 miles away, he had family on the east coast, west coast, you name it, and my family being the oddball people, had relatives in the military so definitely not close by and some overseas and EVERYBODY had to be contacted. Crazy...I'd have given my right arm, being in the middle of an important college semester, to have been able to simply mail off some nice postcards then make up a large list of people, divide it into fourths - one for me, one for him, one for his folks, one for my folks, and everyone start calling! This was back in the day before cell phones. We paid 50 cents a minute for the dorm phones and it was really hard to extricate ourselves from conversations in which everyone wanted to chat, chat, and chat some more. Hmmmm...50 cents a minute in 1987...what would that be adjusted for inflation? A pretty penny I'd bet!

 

At any rate, I don't think that there is a one size fits all line that can be drawn in the sand.

 

Ya know, Pa and Ma Ingalls didn't have to deal with this when Laura got married. There was a lot of virtue in just driving to the preacher's house in your Sunday best and getting it over with!!!! :D

 

Faith

[ktgrok]

I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but for crying out loud, a wedding shouldn't be this big a production. Why do these couples think their wedding is so crucially important to the entire world that they believe they need a website to keep everyone up to date on all of the details? How many details do the guests need to have? They need to know when and where the wedding will be, and a bit of information about the dress code. If they need to book a hotel, that's one more thing. But that's all.

 

I'm telling you, I blame those idiotic TLC wedding reality shows for a lot of this narcissistic nonsense.

 

The details are the contact info for the hotels, maps showing how to get from the hotel to the church to the reception site, etc.

[SarahW]

Dear Miss Manners,

 

I recently received a Save the Date notice from a relative, notifying me that her wedding date is planned for next summer. I had not realized said relative was even seeing someone seriously, but am very happy for her and duly noted date on my calendar. However, when discussing the engagement with another relative, I was told that engaged woman is actually already married, having taken vows at City Hall. No one is supposed to know this little fact, and we are forbidden to discuss it. Do I act as if I am ignorant of the situation and attend wedding, or do I send a gift and my congratulations and forbear to attend wedding, as bride and groom are already married?

 

Signed,

Confused in California

 

There might not be anything nefarious going on.

 

I knew a couple who did a civil ceremony months before their church ceremony. The bride needed a passport for the honeymoon, and they thought it was easiest to get her passport done with her married name, rather than maiden name. And marriage is still the easiest way for a lady to change her name. :001_smile:

 

 

About StD: They are sent out months before the invitations are sent. The rsvp card (and the cute little postage paid return envelope) goes with the invitations. Asking people to save the date means that they are going to receive an invitation. I'm a manners-dummy, and I thought that was just obvious.

[Renthead Mommy]

 

However, I also suggest that brides create a wedding website that lets guests know about the wedding details. Some of those sites also include an online RSVP function which saves on postage later since you wouldn't have to include all of the RSVP cards, envelopes, etc.

 

 

 

This is actually a great idea.

 

I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but for crying out loud, a wedding shouldn't be this big a production. Why do these couples think their wedding is so crucially important to the entire world that they believe they need a website to keep everyone up to date on all of the details? How many details do the guests need to have? They need to know when and where the wedding will be, and a bit of information about the dress code. If they need to book a hotel, that's one more thing. But that's all.

 

I'm telling you, I blame those idiotic TLC wedding reality shows for a lot of this narcissistic nonsense.

 

There are actually a lot of details for guests. Not only when the wedding is, but the reception. The rehersal dinner. The hotel you've reserved blocks of rooms in. How to get to the reception and rehersals. Suggestions for car rentals. Best way to get from the airport to hotel. Things to do in the area. Restaurants in the hotel area. Restaurants not to miss.

 

Not to mention families will often turn it into mini family reunions. Golf outings. Brunch on sunday morning after the wedding. BBQ's. Lots of things like that.

[Sparkle]

 

There might not be anything nefarious going on.

 

I knew a couple who did a civil ceremony months before their church ceremony. The bride needed a passport for the honeymoon, and they thought it was easiest to get her passport done with her married name, rather than maiden name. And marriage is still the easiest way for a lady to change her name. :001_smile:

 

 

Don't understand the secrecy but no big deal about having the civil ceremony first and than the wedding reception/party later.

Just enjoy the wedding and bring a gift.

 

My wedding party was 2 years after my civil wedding ceremony. We decided we wanted the big party when our house was ready (it was being built when we married) so that our guest could celebrate our wedding and new home at the same time. We did our civil wedding early for spousal benefits as well as convenience on legal documents.

My nephew also did the civil wedding two years before his wedding party as he was going to be outstation to an overseas air base and wanted to bring his wife along for the two years.

There was no secrecy though.

 

Apparently the secrecy is due to a green card on one side and strict TLM-only parents on the other side (Catholics will know what I'm referring to).

 

Regarding S-T-D cards - I have no strong opinion. If I get one, fine. If not, fine. There are very few people's weddings I would really have much interest in attending anyway. That sounds nastier than I mean it to...I just don't care for a lot of hoopla. I prefer weddings to just have the nearest and dearest, that's all.

[SquirrellyMama]

My two cents:

 

1) STDs are a courtesy to close friends and family members

 

2) STDs should NOT require an RSVP!!!

 

 

 

I almost choked on my yogurt reading these two sentences :lol: There must be a better way to shorten Save The Date.

[Catwoman]

OH! It just got bettter! I just read a story about "you're not invited to the wedding" announcements! GAH!

 

TACKY!!!! There has *always* been a Miss Manners way of doing this. You send ANNOUNCEMENTS instead of INVITATIONS. I have had a few of these announcements sent my way, and it just is NOT a big deal. But to be told "you're not invited"? THAT is tacky.

 

The thing that kills me is that the main reason is the expense of having another person there. We faced this and decided the people were more important, so we simplified the arrangemnets so we could afford to invite *everyone*. We had a blast, too. So did everyone.

 

I think the whole wedding thing is just waaaaay out of control in our general society.

 

You're not invited to comment on my post. (nanner nanner)

 

Can I comment if I agree with you? :D

[justasque]

I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but for crying out loud, a wedding shouldn't be this big a production. Why do these couples think their wedding is so crucially important to the entire world that they believe they need a website to keep everyone up to date on all of the details? How many details do the guests need to have? They need to know when and where the wedding will be, and a bit of information about the dress code. If they need to book a hotel, that's one more thing. But that's all.

 

I'm telling you, I blame those idiotic TLC wedding reality shows for a lot of this narcissistic nonsense.

 

For a close relative of mine's wedding, many people traveled from overseas to attend. It was just as much family reunion as it was wedding. To simply have them attend a short church service and leave it at that would be crazy. They had paid a fortune and gone out of their way to come to this country; it made sense to have a series of events in which the family could be together.

 

This was not an extravagant wedding. But people need to be transported, housed, and fed.

 

Details included getting from the airport to the hotel, arrangements for hotel rooms, getting a suite in the hotel so that we could provide breakfast fixings for everyone all weekend (a nice way for all to start the day), options for outings, restaurant meals when there wasn't a wedding event meal, rehearsal dinner (important for the bride's extended family to meet the groom's extended family and break the ice somewhat as well as get more comfortable with language and cultural differences), details for the wedding itself, the small mid-day meal to which only a few were invited, the large evening reception (with more food) to which all were invited, and events for the rest of the weekend.

 

Going to a wedding for a close family member who doesn't live nearby involves a ton of logistics. Transportation and maps, timing of various events, menus, alternate options for those with food allergies or special diets, arrangements for families with young children who either are or are not invited to the various events (rehearsal, church, reception). There's a lot of information to communicate.

 

Sometimes, keeping things simple means focusing on the guests and what you can do to make them more comfortable and less stressed. Making sure grandma is picked up at the airport. Providing breakfast cereal, milk, bagels, and coffee for special relatives in the hotel, along with a common place to gather to enjoy it. Creating opportunities for the bride and groom's families can get to know each other. This kind of detail doesn't involve purchasing a lot of the overpriced wedding junk designed to impress, but it *does* take time, effort, and communication, and it can be well worth it to create a family event.

 

Not every complicated wedding is a "bridezilla", "all about me" scenario; some are family-centered, family-organized events where the extended family, as a whole, is coming together to celebrate the marriage of a beloved relative.

[unsinkable]

Big snort! STD cards! :smilielol5:

 

 

Did you see my thread about the chlamydia beads? LOL

[fraidycat]

Well, at least you have a lovely commemorative magnet to remind you of the wedding to which you were not invited.

 

I'm sure you will cherish it more and more in the years to come. :p

 

:laugh: :smilielol5:

Stopping in briefly today ladies has I have a slight break in schedule due to the storm and medical appointments being canceled. Yeah...a chat with online buddies!

 

Anyway,

 

We did save the dates for out of town guests coming a long distance. Here is the reason, many of these guests are older. They are not on facebook, they do not check or answer emails, and they are difficult for dd to reach by phone. She works nights and has two hours of commute time. Her fiance is in class in college from 7 a.m. - 5 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursdays, at his internship (which is a two hour commute each way!!!) from 8 a.m. - 6 p.m. Wednesdays and Fridays, back on campus for study groups on Saturday, and sleeps most of Sunday in order to make up for some sleep deprivation from the previous schedule. Frankly, it's amazing these two ever got together! LOL

 

Five days per week this is what dd's schedule looks like this:

 

Sleep until 4 :15 p.m., get up and get ready for work.

On the road by 5:00, at work at 6:00 p.m.

Work 12-14 hrs. - as a medic, there are more shifts that run over than get out on time

 

So somewhere between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. she drives the hour home...tired to the bone. That is NOT a good time to be on the phone calling relatives about your wedding.

Goes to bed because she has to get her mandatory sleep in order to not kill patients from sleep deprivation affecting her ability to do med-math, diagnose accurately and efficiently, etc.

 

The whole thing starts all over again at 4:15 p.m. She does not make personal phone calls while on shift. Seriously, do we want medics yacking on the phone in the ambulance? In nearly all cases, she does not spend more than one or two hours on any shift at a station house. Most of the time, she's sitting on some street corner in a city that is not particularly safe and in which being alert and aware of your surroundings at all times is a must.

 

Two weeks per month are four days per week. The other two are five and then there are the mandatory courses and lectures required every quarter for all of the EMT's and medics to attend.

 

On her off days, she has to maintain her sleep schedule. So her free time is at night when she's awake and the hour from 5-6 p.m. and 6 or 7 a.m. when she is not driving on her days off. It makes it exceedingly difficult to communicate with others. On her off days, occasionally, she has had to go with only 3 of 4 hours of sleep so she get some wedding things done.

 

Add to that the issue that the people who didn't know she'd become engaged and didn't know the wedding date very quickly were mostly older relatives who as I said above, are technologically unadvanced. Shoot, Aunt V. doesn't even know how to use her answering machine yet rarely answers her phone, but if she were not given a heads-up in time to get a good price on plane tickets, she'd have made sure to let us know how slighted she felt.

 

Dh works from home 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. and sometimes later. It's common for me to not have use of my home phone until our older relatives are getting ready for bed and then with time changes as everyone lives all over the country, the whole darn communication thing gets even more complicated to say nothing of relatives in the military stationed in Europe who would like to try to fly home for this wedding. So, something concrete and on paper WELL in advance for them was a must. Of course, we didn't have to send cards to everyone...only those that we have a hard time communicating directly with, however, I can tell you that if anyone on the guest lists finds out that some people got them and some didn't, I'd be on here telling you all how I got my butt chewed off and have people not speaking to me because they were slighted. Everyone.takes.offense.at.everything.always. That's what I've learned as mother of the bride.

 

So, that's why we did it. We didn't have ulterior motives. We don't think dd's wedding is the center of everyone's universe. We aren't manipulating to get gifts and we aren't out to hurt people's feelings or one up the neighbors. The only darn motivation for the whole dumb thing was to make sure people got the information far enough in advance to make travel arrangements if they wanted to, and I sincerely hope that anyone who feels obligated to come and doesn't want to attend with a joyful heart, will bloody well stay home and not ruin the day. They will ALL receive an invitation unless they contact me and say they are offended at receiving the card; we'll scratch them off the list and apologize profusely for being, I don't know, consciencious.

 

Personally, I'm already thoroughly sick of the whole thing. People take offense at EVERYTHING! Literally.every.possible.action.inaction.phrase.wording,you.name.it. these days.(We even have one relative NOT attending because she heard through the grape-vine that dd may not change her last name or may hyphenate for professional reasons and he says this indicates she isn't committed to the relationship and will be divorced inside of a year!) If I gave you a list of things that seem to offend people on the guest list, your heads would spin! DD now wishes she weren't having a wedding.

 

So, please, the OP does have every right to feel slighted at receiving a save-the-date and then no invitation. That's so rude it's ridiculous and some bride and groom somewhere do need a reality check. I have no problem commiserating with her on that.

 

However, don't then imply that every single bride and groom who do use this method for communication are brats. It's not so.

 

Additionally, we thought it was a nice way to send a photo. Many people will not have met him prior to attending because he lives out of state. The wedding invitations will include maps, lodging info, RSVP cards, etc....already crammed with lots of information and no room for a picture. We thought that this way, people could at least recognize the groom who the groom is when they arrive.

 

We made our own date cards - Dh has an HP photo printer. We paid $25.00 for the stationary and about 10 cents each to print. 55 were sent. So, 46 cents a piece and 45 cents to mail. It didn't break the bank though I'm sure if we had them made, they would have cost much, much more.

 

Faith - a very worn out mother of the bride who is secretly thankful for the storm because A. friend gets a break from his chemo and it was much needed and B. I am not driving to his house to take care of their children so his wife can take him to chemo which C. sounds selfish except that she needed a break and the extra sleep and some down time with the children. So, if I sound particularly bearish...please forgive me. I feel like a bear!

 

I am SO glad that some of my cousins got married before I did. I learned from their "mistakes" (according to the extended family gripings) One major gripe from one cousin's wedding was about who was and was not invited to the sit down meal. My solution was to feed NO ONE a meal. We got married at 7 p.m., then served the buffet-style "midnight lunch" right after the first dances were done. :tongue_smilie: Amazingly, the people who refused to attend the first wedding (and travel all that way) "because we're not even invited to the supper" (or attended, only to make sure everyone heard their gripe) had no problem attending my wedding - even though we weren't serving supper and the travel distance was the same.

[unsinkable]

 

 

Noted

 

LOL.

 

Poor Faith.

 

That is quite the manifesto on STD cards!

[redheadmom]

I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but for crying out loud, a wedding shouldn't be this big a production. Why do these couples think their wedding is so crucially important to the entire world that they believe they need a website to keep everyone up to date on all of the details? How many details do the guests need to have? They need to know when and where the wedding will be, and a bit of information about the dress code. If they need to book a hotel, that's one more thing. But that's all.

 

I'm telling you, I blame those idiotic TLC wedding reality shows for a lot of this narcissistic nonsense.

 

Most of the weddings you see on TV are not a realistic wedding. I agree that a wedding should be about the marriage of the bride and groom. However, I actually like a wedding website. Most brides aren't trying to make a big production; they want to save time and energy. Instead of having every guest call and ask where they are registered, or the address or the hotel, or all the other 2 dozen questions that get asked...the bride can send them to the website once and be done. If you have 75 or 150 guests that is a lot of phone calls and emails that the bride and her mom have to handle.

[PachiSusan]

Stopping in briefly today ladies has I have a slight break in schedule due to the storm and medical appointments being canceled. Yeah...a chat with online buddies!

 

snip

 

Faith, I am so sorry for the judgement and the frustration you have been having. You won't hear a peep from me. I'm still awed at what you do...

[Seasider]

 

 

I almost choked on my yogurt reading these two sentences :lol: There must be a better way to shorten Save The Date.

 

Agreed! I would never RSVP for an STD.

[Guest]

Oh my. I just read this whole thread. I need a cupcake now.

[Amber in SJ]

I think I have seen the product of an STD photo shoot. It was in a Human Physiology textbook. I don't remember there being any vintage cars. I imagine that many get shared in the backseats of cars.

 

I just can't help it.

 

Amber in Sj

[Catwoman]

 

Most of the weddings you see on TV are not a realistic wedding. I agree that a wedding should be about the marriage of the bride and groom. However, I actually like a wedding website. Most brides aren't trying to make a big production; they want to save time and energy. Instead of having every guest call and ask where they are registered, or the address or the hotel, or all the other 2 dozen questions that get asked...the bride can send them to the website once and be done. If you have 75 or 150 guests that is a lot of phone calls and emails that the bride and her mom have to handle.

 

The way you describe it seems perfectly reasonable. The few I have seen have been big, ridiculous, self-aggrandizing things, and they seemed to be more about the bride and groom posting dozens of photos of themselves than they were about being helpful.

 

I'm all in favor of saving time and energy; I am just getting tired of people think it's perfectly OK for brides to become complete and total divas. (I actually know a young woman who was seriously considering quitting a good job because it was interfering with her making plans for her wedding. :eek:)

 

I think a wedding day is very special, but I think its importance has been exaggerated to the point where it becomes an obsession with some women. Every time I have flipped through the channels and spent a few minutes watching one of those wedding shows on TV, I have thought that the grooms seemed like nothing more than props for the brides. I swear, some of those women just wanted a wedding. I think they would have married any guy who asked, and who could afford a fancy reception and honeymoon!

[Catwoman]

Agreed! I would never RSVP for an STD.

 

But you might want to get a prescription, just as a precaution.

 

Heaven only knows what kind of germs were on that Save the Date card. :eek:

[Starr]

Oh my. I just read this whole thread. I need a cupcake now.

 

I'll join you. Yay cupcakes!

[MrsBasil]

I had a year long engagement. I think it took me 10 days, tops, to plan the whole thing. Simple. We had been living together awhile and were like, "Hey! Let's make it legal" And it just happened that the following year worked best.

 

Wedding websites. I like them. They have the directions, lists of local hotels, registries in one place. One had a cute how we met story. I enjoyed it.

 

Save the date cards. I got one to my brother's weddings. I was pregnant, sick, and miserable. Having that on the fridge was very helpful. At the time I could barely remember what day of the week it was. :)

 

Now...where's my cupcake?

[QueenCat]

:laugh: :smilielol5:

 

 

I am SO glad that some of my cousins got married before I did. I learned from their "mistakes" (according to the extended family gripings) One major gripe from one cousin's wedding was about who was and was not invited to the sit down meal. My solution was to feed NO ONE a meal. We got married at 7 p.m., then served the buffet-style "midnight lunch" right after the first dances were done. :tongue_smilie: Amazingly, the people who refused to attend the first wedding (and travel all that way) "because we're not even invited to the supper" (or attended, only to make sure everyone heard their gripe) had no problem attending my wedding - even though we weren't serving supper and the travel distance was the same.

 

People were invited to your cousin's ceremony and not the reception? That is a new one for me. Have never heard of doing that to guests!

[SarahW]

 

People were invited to your cousin's ceremony and not the reception? That is a new one for me. Have never heard of doing that to guests!

 

I've heard of it, but usually it is rather informally done.

 

Like, if you go to a big church where you don't really know everyone, you issue a general invitation to the ceremony to everyone, but specific invitations to the people you are also inviting to the reception.

 

Same thing for casual co-workers, neighbors, your kid's piano teacher, etc.

 

afaik, there's no usually expectation of rsvp or gifts for these sorts of invitations.

 

If you are inviting out of town guests then they should be invited to the reception too. I mean, you won't get to talk to them at church, so why invite them if you don't want to at least have a chance to say hello?