Help! - Explosive 6yo Son Who Can't Calm Himself and Just Digs Himself Deeper

[JumpyTheFrog]

This is very long, so if you don't have time to read it, please just skip to another post. I don't think "skimmers" will really get a good picture of the situation.

 

I have been meaning to post and ask for advice for a few days about Tigger, almost 7. However, I knew I'd need to have examples to post. Today has given me plenty.

 

Tigger has had a very hard time calming himself down since he was born. As a baby, he would be exhausted, but too wired to take decent naps, no matter what we did (night time was fine). He was a pretty good toddler, but it has been downhill since age 3 1/2.

 

His biggest problem is his inability to do anything to calm down. Instead, he gets more worked up, talking back, yelling, stomping, screaming, arguing, etc. Once, last spring, he turned so red while angry at me about something minor that he popped the blood vessels in his cheeks.

 

If he is at all hungry or tired, the little self-calming he has gained in the last few months disappears. If Tigger is more than just a little hungry, he can become completely irrational over little things. Nothing helps him calm down in these cases except eating.

 

Tuesday and Wednesday he was very picky and refused to eat much of his food. It was food he likes, but was tired of eating, so he chose to go hungry. Today, I made sure he ate an enormous breakfast, so I wouldn't have to deal with his bad attitude all day because of hunger. He also went to bed early last night, so he is well rested today.

 

Here's how my day has gone:

 

We made it from about 9am to 12:30pm before the first fit. I gave him four minutes to empty some little trash cans and take the trash out to the can and the can in from the road. If he didn't finish in time, I said he'd have to vacuum my room. It was plenty of time and he does these jobs all the time.

 

DH was in one bathroom and wouldn't let Tigger in until he was done. Tigger, rather than doing the other bathroom and then coming back, just exploded. I sent him to his room then went in to try and explain that next time he should politely ask me to pause the timer. I didn't get very far before he yelled at me "I'm not going to listen." I left and gave him a few minutes to calm down. Then I went back, and this time, managed to explain to him that next time he should ask if I can pause the timer until daddy comes out.

 

Less than five minutes later, DH came out and found the blanket he'd been using on the floor in the hall, instead of on the chair where he was working. DH picked up the blanket, and thinking Tigger had been the culprit, jokingly started taking the vacuum Tigger had gotten out to use. Tigger went totally nuts. DH decided he should stand in the corner until he was calm (we used to do this was he was three, but not since then) and it took Tigger a long time to finally stand there quietly.

 

About a half hour later, I told Tigger it was time for more school work. He sat down, looked at his math work, and wrote "No" across the bottom. I told him he either had to get to work or go stand in the corner. He went to the corner but wouldn't stand still and kept talking back. I told him he would stay there quietly for four minutes and if he kept talking, it would be raised to five minutes. He talked back some more so I told him to go to his room and lay down. I said he would stay in his room until he was ready to obey me and stand in the corner quietly. Then he would finish his school work. If he didn't get it done by 4:30, he would miss tae kwon do tonight and do the rest of his work with DH.

 

He stayed in his room for about five minutes then came out and said he was ready to stand in the corner. He did it without a problem this time.

 

I am very frustrated because of the number of days, like today, that he wastes 1-2 hours of our time because of his fits, yelling, and talking back. He won't keep his mouth shut and just digs himself in deeper and deeper. Our three year old has more emotional control, better calming skills, and more sense about these things.

 

I've read "The Explosive Child," and the description matches Tigger. He often jumps to incorrect conclusions about things and throws fits about them. (Yesterday he thew a big fit after DH mentioned eating "meat" at a meal because he decided that meant ham and he didn't want ham.) Unfortunately, I didn't feel like the solutions in the book were very helpful. Yes, I like the idea of trying to get to the root of explosions about a certain issue, but that doesn't really help when a kid does it all the time about all sorts of things.

 

If you are familiar with Star Trek: TNG, DH and I have often likened Tigger to the Borg. One approach to discipline works for a few weeks or months and then he becomes immune to it. We have no one to ask for advice in real life.

 

A few other random tidbits:

 

-Believe it or not, Tigger is actually, slowly showing some improvement. Sending him to his room until he is calm and ready to apologize seems to be the only thing that ever works.

 

-Tigger is never like this in public. He does a good job at his outside activities and behaves very well in public.

 

-Tigger is also too embarrassed (?) to throw his fits in front of our friends and families. They have really only seen his small "warm-up" fits.

 

-We know he has some "hidden" ability to turn off fits because a few times we got out a video camera to record it. He stopped right away because he didn't want to have to watch the video of his fit after.

 

Is there hope? Is there anything we can do to help him learn more self-control? It's exhausting and many days I feel physically pretty well (chronic health problems) until he starts up and then it's like the life is literally being sucked out of me.

[JumpyTheFrog]

If you have no ideas, but made it through this tome, thanks for reading.

[wapiti]

Has he ever had an OT evaluation for sensory processing issues? In certain situations, OT may help improve the ability to calm oneself down (to put it simply).

[SJ.]

Yes, there is hope. Your little boy sounds like my oldest at that age. At eight he still has outbursts but it is tremendously better than when he was five and six. I know how frustrating it can be. :grouphug:

[JumpyTheFrog]

Has he ever had an OT evaluation for sensory processing issues? In certain situations, OT may help improve the ability to calm oneself down (to put it simply).

 

Can you elaborate a bit? I know little about sensory processing issues.

[Lolly]

1. He needs to eat every 2-3 hours. No matter what. No matter where. This is VERY hard to do. Even grown, she has to watch her food. She still has to eat at least every 3-4 hours. Now, she can tell when her sugars are getting low.

 

2. You have a calming technique that is working fairly well right now. As you know, it may not work starting tomorrow. A shower is often good for kids like this. The warm water is relaxing. The shower drowns out other sensory input.

 

3. Sometimes, a big hold 'em hug is all you can do while they rage. Unfortunately, by 7 they have often outgrown the ability of the parent to hold them tight without getting hurt!

 

It is a long road with these kids. Mine has grown up quite nicely. She was a very easy teenager. Her control seemed to come as the other kids her age started losing theirs. I've always joked that she and I worked through all our problems while she was younger. I think it is true to some extent. I also learned to let go of her and not put requirements on her when she was little... She has had to live life on her own terms to some degree.

[justasque]

There's a lot going on, but I'm just going to address the hunger. For certain people, low blood sugar is a serious issue. The behavioral symptoms are just that - symptoms of something not right physically. For these people, withholding food and expecting the behavior to get better is a losing game. A better approach is to help them recognize the symptoms of low blood sugar in themselves, and teach them how to politely communicate that their blood sugar is getting low and they need to eat. For younger kids, mom will have to be aware of food intake, recognize when there may be a problem, and feed the child. For older children, access to food they can get on their own when needed can help. To make it more complicated, different foods have different effects - usually protein (nuts, etc.) is a good choice. Sweets raise the blood sugar quickly, but then create a bigger crash later on. For sensitive kids, a diet of small, frequent meals, low in added sugars and low in simple carbs, can help keep things manageable.

 

It does sound like there is more to the story than just food. But if you can get the food part worked out, you will be able to more clearly see the rest.

Good luck.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Yes, there is hope. Your little boy sounds like my oldest at that age. At eight he still has outbursts but it is tremendously better than when he was five and six. I know how frustrating it can be. :grouphug:

 

Did you ever find anything that helped? Or did you just have to endure until he matured? It got to the point in the spring that I was looking at a private school for Tigger, just so I didn't have to be subjected to his explosions all day long.

 

DH and I are not very emotional people, so we can't relate, at all, to Tigger's inability to calm himself and his tendency to overreact.

[KungFuPanda]

That's a tough one. He IS still very young. It can be hard to appreciate how young six is when it's your oldest and you've seen them grow so much in a few years, but ten years from now you'll look at six year olds and they'll all seem like babies. I don't think it's unusual, especially for boys to just be younger than same-aged peers AND more physical/emotional than verbal. It sounds like you are both trying and making progress. If the progress is steady, he may just need more time. some kids really ARE much harder to parent.

 

Can you get him out more? Or start his day with some sort of vigorous exercise to take the edge off ALL that energy? Id try that before overhauling hismwhole diet (I'm sure youll get lots of diet advice in this thread.) Sometimes, like puppies, a tired boy is a good boy. He might NEED active outdoor time every day in all weather.

My son was a real handful at six and behaved in ways his sister would never dream of. Now that he's 12 that seems like a lifetime ago. His personality will always be more on the emotional, snap-judgement side, but at least he can control it now and his 'fits' are confined to making faces. Really, this kid will NEVER play poker.

[Lolly]

Did you ever find anything that helped? Or did you just have to endure until he matured? It got to the point in the spring that I was looking at a private school for Tigger, just so I didn't have to be subjected to his explosions all day long.

 

DH and I are not very emotional people, so we can't relate, at all, to Tigger's inability to calm himself and his tendency to overreact.

 

 

I had mine in school. She held her rages until she got home. Then, every day within 15 minutes of walking in the door, she blew up. Absolutely tore the house apart. It was when I was seeking mental help for her that homeschooling was suggested. (The dx she was given was WAY off/totally incorrect. It has made me more than a little leery of our mental health care for children.)

[JumpyTheFrog]

It is a long road with these kids. Mine has grown up quite nicely. She was a very easy teenager. Her control seemed to come as the other kids her age started losing theirs. I've always joked that she and I worked through all our problems while she was younger. I think it is true to some extent.

 

 

I'm glad that it's working out for you. Once or twice I've tried talking to someone about it and they just laughed and said, "Just wait until you have teenagers. That's when the real trouble starts!" It's very discouraging because we feel like we've been dealing with the "teenager mood" issues for a few years.

 

We are trying to keep on top of the regular feedings. He ate about 1100 calories for breakfast and then wanted lunch about an hour later. He is very active and is so thin you can see his ribs a bit.

[JumpyTheFrog]

For certain people, low blood sugar is a serious issue....A better approach is to help them recognize the symptoms of low blood sugar in themselves, and teach them how to politely communicate that their blood sugar is getting low and they need to eat.

 

It does sound like there is more to the story than just food.

 

 

I agree. Food is a part, but there is more to it than that. We have been trying to teach him to recognize when he is angry and upset because he is hungry and needs to eat. He sometimes manages to figure it out. He's not very good at figuring out if he's tired, hot, or cold either.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I did read carefully but I"m still not sure about one thing. You said he had a big breakfast and that he did great from 9 - 12:30 and then you asked him to do a small chore and he did a fit and then you asked him to do school and he refused. Did he eat lunch in there?

[sbgrace]

I have a son who really doesn't have better skills in any situation but I do identify with the lack of emotional control.

 

Make sure he eats every 2-3 hours. You might be having blood sugar issues. From your description I think you probably are. I would not expect him to recognize how frequently he needs to eat nor to make the connection between hunger and his emotions yet. But there probably is a link. By the time he knows he's hungry it's actually probably too late. I'd work hard to make sure he eats something every 3 hours at a minimum. When my son was younger it needed to be every 2.5. There is undoubtedly and surely more to your son's issues. But I think blood sugar is likely a part of it and reduces his ability to handle things, even if that ability is already weak.

 

Outside of that, working on that emotional control is going to get the biggest bang for the buck I think.

 

For my son a key when he's emotionally going to "beyond gone" land is to switch his thinking from the emotion to the logic side of his brain. If he does this before he loses it, it works. The trick is he just has to think about anything. As he's gotten older one thing that helps my son is talking about what level (1 - 10) the upsetting thing is for him. Are we acting like it's a 5 or are we acting like it's a 10? When he was younger I would comment on some inane thing (like his uncle's purple hat...when his uncle had a yellow one or whatever). What works here may not work there but experiment with getting thinking going on. He can't think when he's losing it emotionally clearly. But the converse is you can't escalate emotionally while you're thinking.

 

Your son is showing he's got more control than mine. I've got a very strong willed child who has that kind of control as well. Anger can be an issue. For him positive discipline approaches have been key. Actually, it's key for both kids but the one with more issues is just going to struggle no matter the parenting approach. It still helps. By this I mean you want at least 10 positives to every 2 negative interactions. You want to approach him with a smile on your face.

 

Given he has that control I think a system of rewards may work really well with your son (ie instead of a consequence if he doesn't get he trash out in x time, he earns playing a board game if he's finished under the time limit or adds to time he gets to spending doing x that he enjoys). Or work out rewards when he chooses to x to work out his frustration or calm rather than screaming and acting out physically. My son's only workable self calming is the cognitive switch to thinking I mentioned but many kids can self calm better than mine. There may be some physical things he could do for example. What this does, also, is makes the beginning of things more positive than negative. Earning something based on the expectation you'll succeed is way different than doing something to avoid a consequence...the expectation alone feels different and the child feels more that they are making a voluntary choice.

 

Those are just random thoughts. But generally I want to say there are parents that get it. I find it encouraging to read about older kids who were like ours when younger. I do see improvement over time like you do. It's just slow. My son was better at 6 than he was at 4. He's better at 8 then he was at 6. It just feels like it's in inches sometimes!

[JumpyTheFrog]

Can you get him out more? Or start his day with some sort of vigorous exercise to take the edge off ALL that energy? Id try that before overhauling hismwhole diet (I'm sure youll get lots of diet advice in this thread.) Sometimes, like puppies, a tired boy is a good boy. He might NEED active outdoor time every day in all weather.

 

My son was a real handful at six and behaved in ways his sister would never dream of. Now that he's 12 that seems like a lifetime ago. His personality will always be more on the emotional, snap-judgement side, but at least he can control it now and his 'fits' are confined to making faces. Really, this kid will NEVER play poker.

 

 

Tigger is already on a gluten and dairy-free diet. I've thought several times about trying an elimination diet to see if it helps.

 

He already does many activities. We have tried to avoid taking them away as punishment since he is so active (and has been since before birth). The only exercise that has slowed him down the tiniest bit was the few days he ran 3 miles in under 30 minutes with his running coach.

 

Currently he does 1 hr gymnastics, 1 hr tae kwon do, and 2 hrs of basketball per week. Running and soccer will start up in the spring. He just started drumming lessons, which is a good choice for a ball of energy like himself.

 

If we could find a place to exercise him hard from 10-12 every day, that would be great!

 

I agree, Tigger will never be good at poker. He has no emotional filter and while he will eventually mature, I doubt he'll be able to change that part of himself much.

[hopeallgoeswell]

This sounds very similar to my middle dd. She hit her Terrible Twos at 15 months old and it did not stop until last January (5 1/2 yo) when we put her on a very strict gluten free/artificial color & flavor free diet. We had tried EVERYTHING before that and I had gotten to the point of tie-a-knot-and-hold-on. She is a completely different child now! Just another thing to try. Best wishes.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I did read carefully but I"m still not sure about one thing. You said he had a big breakfast and that he did great from 9 - 12:30 and then you asked him to do a small chore and he did a fit and then you asked him to do school and he refused. Did he eat lunch in there?

 

 

He finished his big breakfast about 10 or 10:30 am and then had "first lunch" at 11:30am. "Second lunch" was at 2pm, after he finally calmed down and started actually trying to do his work.

[Lolly]

I'm glad that it's working out for you. Once or twice I've tried talking to someone about it and they just laughed and said, "Just wait until you have teenagers. That's when the real trouble starts!" It's very discouraging because we feel like we've been dealing with the "teenager mood" issues for a few years. We are trying to keep on top of the regular feedings. He ate about 1100 calories for breakfast and then wanted lunch about an hour later. He is very active and is so thin you can see his ribs a bit.

 

That person didn't have a child like your son! (That is a stock reply from someone who doesn't know for real what you are facing.) I do know people for whom the problem just got worse, though. Just wanted to let you know the light at the end of the tunnel isn't necessarily that far away!

 

Honestly, about the only real control YOU have available to you is his food. Start literally timing when he eats and make sure he goes no longer than 2 hours without a snack. I think you will be surprised. This cannot be something delegated to him to keep up with. He is not old enough to notice that he needs to eat.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Can I ask exactly what he's eating? Because even for someone who might be hypoglycemic, that first lunch is awfully close to his breakfast. When did he wake up?

[JumpyTheFrog]

As he's gotten older one thing that helps my son is talking about what level (1 - 10) the upsetting thing is for him. Are we acting like it's a 5 or are we acting like it's a 10?

 

<snip>

 

By this I mean you want at least 10 positives to every 2 negative interactions. You want to approach him with a smile on your face.

 

Given he has that control I think a system of rewards may work really well with your son (ie instead of a consequence if he doesn't get he trash out in x time, he earns playing a board game if he's finished under the time limit or adds to time he gets to spending doing x that he enjoys). Or work out rewards when he chooses to x to work out his frustration or calm rather than screaming and acting out physically. My son's only workable self calming is the cognitive switch to thinking I mentioned but many kids can self calm better than mine. There may be some physical things he could do for example.

 

 

Thanks! I will try the "rating approach" you described. Maybe it will help him learn to see how often he overreacts.

 

10 positive interactions for every 2 negative. Yikes! It makes sense, but is so hard to do. When I've had someone talking back and yelling at me on and off all day, I don't want to be around him. It's hard to want to do anything fun with him those days, especially if he started the day out that way.

[prairiewindmomma]

That sounds a lot like my oldest. It was easy to figure out the blood sugar and food sensitivities (to dyes and preservatives that are petroleum based)....it took me a bit to figure out how extensive his sensory issues are.

 

I would try:

1. The 5 point scale for emotional regulation....bring it up at a time when life is calm and have him talk about some of the things that make him angry. This was REALLY eye opening for me when I did it several years ago. I was careful to just sit and let him spill it all out. He struggled to find words and identify some things, which I helped him find words for, but we were able to make some changes to our household that really helped.

2. Add 15 minutes of activity in at your every 2 hours snack break. We call this chore time, but it's purposeful.....taking out heavy trash bags, carrying baskets of laundry scrubbing surfaces all help give him sensory feedback. I might also ask him to run up and down the steps with alternating feet 5 times or do pushups or jumping jacks or we turn on an active Wii game....something to give his body a chance to get exhausted so his mind is free to work.

3. Find out what he is willing to work for. One ds is motivated by electronics time, another by Star Wars figurines. We break it up into small rewards and bigger rewards. If a day goes well, we have an awesome snack at the end of snack time. The bigger reward is for on Fridays...either an hour of Wii time on Saturdays or a new "guy". We tried sticker charts working for longer goals, but they aren't that motivated yet....it seems to abstract.

 

Ds now, at almost 11, very rarely rages. He melts down occasionally but it's into tears--not hurting people & destroying things.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I have to go now, but I'll be back later to answer more questions.

[sbgrace]

Thanks! I will try the "rating approach" you described. Maybe it will help him learn to see how often he overreacts.

 

10 positive interactions for every 2 negative. Yikes! It makes sense, but is so hard to do. When I've had someone talking back and yelling at me on and off all day, I don't want to be around him. It's hard to want to do anything fun with him those days, especially if he started the day out that way.

 

 

 

Actually, try to approach it positively. Instead of how often he over-reacts keep track of and celebrate/reward when he uses it to respond appropriately to the situation. Someone upthread mentioned the 5 point scale. I haven't read the book but I really think this is what I do with our ranking system. You do need to practice when he's calm--make it fun-think of wild 5's and on. He may be too young but my son was a really late maturer so maybe not.

 

Someone on here recommended this book to me. Clearly it does have a Christian feel to it but really the book is behavioral. I don't know of any secular alternative though Howard Glasser's books have a somewhat similar approach. I think the Latham book is more comprehensive and much easier to consistently implement. You don't have to be religious to use it. At any rate, I really think you will benefit from reading that book or something like it. You can go a long way to change the atmosphere. edited to add: there is a story in the very first chapter that put me off a bit just because it seemed so unrealistic to my experiences as a parent and my parenting style; because of the Amazon reviews and recommendation I kept reading and I'm so glad I did. I know it's hard to believe--I really do know--but you can do an awful lot to change things with just your approach.

[I.Dup.]

It's encouraging to know it doesn't have to get worse into the teen years. That is VERY encouraging.

 

I have 2 children like this, one of them is a 6yo. He doesn't scream but he does yell, stomp, fall down on the floor, refuse to do the smallest of things we ask when he is in a "mood." I really think part of it might be blood sugar related, but I know not all of it is. These 2 children have been high strung since birth. So much is personality. Interestingly, my 2 children with more severe sensory issues are not defiant in these ways.

 

I also know these 2 children require a lot of sleep. And they aren't nearly as active as your children are with the activities you mentioned, and even still they need tons of sleep. We put our oldest to bed just an hour earlier and it made a huge difference in her behavior throughout the day.

[myfunnybunch]

 

Given he has that control I think a system of rewards may work really well with your son (ie instead of a consequence

 

 

In addition to the diet and exercise advice, I agree with this wholeheartedly. I have a daughter for whom anxiety over the possible consequence made it very difficult for her to complete the task and would sometimes result in explosive behavior like the behavior you're describing.

 

:grouphug: Hang in there. Keep working on helping him identify triggers and learn more appropriate responses to anger and frustration (and anxiety, possibly, which often manifests as anger and frustration). It takes a long time and a lot of practice, but eventually he will learn, little-by-little.

 

Cat

[fairfarmhand]

This is hard. I've got one very similar.

 

What helped was this...

 

No consequences in the middle of a meltdown. These kids are irrational at this point and they really don't care how much punishment they recieve in the heat of the moment.

 

Write down stuff. They need predictability. Schedule and routine are not optional. You HAVE to eat, sleep, play, school on time. My dd needed the same chores every day, or at least the same day each week. Mine needed to visually see what would happen each day on the calendar. She didn't handle surprises very well.

 

She also needed to see action/consequence chart. Where if you do this, this happens. Take the meltdown out of the equation. Meltdown means you sit in your room till its over. Mom doesn't add chores for it, but the chores are there waiting when the kid comes out. Meltdowns are interruptions.

 

I know it's hard but try not to impose time limits and threats with these kids.

[AK_Mom4]

This is hard. I've got one very similar.

 

What helped was this...

 

No consequences in the middle of a meltdown. These kids are irrational at this point and they really don't care how much punishment they recieve in the heat of the moment.

 

Write down stuff. They need predictability. Schedule and routine are not optional. You HAVE to eat, sleep, play, school on time. My dd needed the same chores every day, or at least the same day each week. Mine needed to visually see what would happen each day on the calendar. She didn't handle surprises very well.

 

She also needed to see action/consequence chart. Where if you do this, this happens. Take the meltdown out of the equation. Meltdown means you sit in your room till its over. Mom doesn't add chores for it, but the chores are there waiting when the kid comes out. Meltdowns are interruptions.

 

I know it's hard but try not to impose time limits and threats with these kids.

 

 

This has worked well for us too. And a big part of implementing was for me to learn to take the emotion out of my reaction as well. Calm, cool, state the situation, state the impact. Then go into my bedroom and throw pillows at the bed (quietly) to get my frustration out. If I reacted emotionally, then it just escalates.

 

These kids are hard. I really do get it. Mine is a 17yo now and life is so much better than it used to be.

[songsparrow]

I gave him four minutes to empty some little trash cans and take the trash out to the can and the can in from the road. If he didn't finish in time, I said he'd have to vacuum my room. It was plenty of time and he does these jobs all the time.

 

DH was in one bathroom and wouldn't let Tigger in until he was done. Tigger, rather than doing the other bathroom and then coming back, just exploded. I sent him to his room then went in to try and explain that next time he should politely ask me to pause the timer. I didn't get very far before he yelled at me "I'm not going to listen." I left and gave him a few minutes to calm down. Then I went back, and this time, managed to explain to him that next time he should ask if I can pause the timer until daddy comes out.

 

IMO this is too much to expect of a 6 year old. First, you asked him to do a multi-step task; multi-step tasks are challenging for a child of that age to manage without supervision and help. Then you added significant time pressure (it would take an adult around 4 minutes to do the tasks you listed, at least in my house's setup). Third, you threatened a significant negative consequence, which added further pressure. Finally, although he was trying his best to accomplish the task you set out, he met with an obstacle that appeared to make it impossible to complete it in time; to expect him to be able to problem-solve in that situation to come to you and ask you to stop the timer is too much to expect. I don't blame him for erupting in frustration at that point.

 

I'd suggest dialing way back on the pressure. For example, ask him to get one garbage can while you get the other, then you can walk together to take them outside. You can give him lots of praise for helping. Drop the timer and consequence. Then have a snack or treat together after the task is accomplished successfully. If you want him to do something quickly, instead of requiring him to beat the timer, make it a fun race - ask him to see how fast he can do it, and you'll time him.

 

As far as self-soothing, I'd suggest looking into techniques for sensory stimulation, to see if any of those can help him (I think the techniques can often be helpful to children who do not have SPD). Does massage relax him? Any textures that he finds comforting - fabrics, objects in sensory boxes, baby oil sensory bags, sensory road to walk on, stress balls to squeeze, etc. I've seen glitter bottles that the kid can shake up to work out frustrations, then watch the glitter settle to calm. For lots of ideas, go to Pinterest and search for "sensory."

[Clear Creek]

I have a son who really doesn't have better skills in any situation but I do identify with the lack of emotional control.

 

Make sure he eats every 2-3 hours. You might be having blood sugar issues. From your description I think you probably are. I would not expect him to recognize how frequently he needs to eat nor to make the connection between hunger and his emotions yet. But there probably is a link. By the time he knows he's hungry it's actually probably too late. I'd work hard to make sure he eats something every 3 hours at a minimum. When my son was younger it needed to be every 2.5. There is undoubtedly and surely more to your son's issues. But I think blood sugar is likely a part of it and reduces his ability to handle things, even if that ability is already weak.

 

Outside of that, working on that emotional control is going to get the biggest bang for the buck I think.

 

For my son a key when he's emotionally going to "beyond gone" land is to switch his thinking from the emotion to the logic side of his brain. If he does this before he loses it, it works. The trick is he just has to think about anything. As he's gotten older one thing that helps my son is talking about what level (1 - 10) the upsetting thing is for him. Are we acting like it's a 5 or are we acting like it's a 10? When he was younger I would comment on some inane thing (like his uncle's purple hat...when his uncle had a yellow one or whatever). What works here may not work there but experiment with getting thinking going on. He can't think when he's losing it emotionally clearly. But the converse is you can't escalate emotionally while you're thinking.

 

Your son is showing he's got more control than mine. I've got a very strong willed child who has that kind of control as well. Anger can be an issue. For him positive discipline approaches have been key. Actually, it's key for both kids but the one with more issues is just going to struggle no matter the parenting approach. It still helps. By this I mean you want at least 10 positives to every 2 negative interactions. You want to approach him with a smile on your face.

 

Given he has that control I think a system of rewards may work really well with your son (ie instead of a consequence if he doesn't get he trash out in x time, he earns playing a board game if he's finished under the time limit or adds to time he gets to spending doing x that he enjoys). Or work out rewards when he chooses to x to work out his frustration or calm rather than screaming and acting out physically. My son's only workable self calming is the cognitive switch to thinking I mentioned but many kids can self calm better than mine. There may be some physical things he could do for example. What this does, also, is makes the beginning of things more positive than negative. Earning something based on the expectation you'll succeed is way different than doing something to avoid a consequence...the expectation alone feels different and the child feels more that they are making a voluntary choice.

 

Those are just random thoughts. But generally I want to say there are parents that get it. I find it encouraging to read about older kids who were like ours when younger. I do see improvement over time like you do. It's just slow. My son was better at 6 than he was at 4. He's better at 8 then he was at 6. It just feels like it's in inches sometimes!

 

:iagree: 1,000 times over I agree with everything posted above. I have a son that sounds very similar (to the boy above and to the son of the OP), and everyting outlined above works very, very well. My son eats far more often than either of my girls every did...most days his breakfast melds into lunch, there is no discernable break (I allow him to wander away and come back for another muffin, bowl of cereal, serving of scrambled eggs, piece of toast, fruit, whatever he wants). He is a scrawny thing, so he is not overeating, and if I cut him off from eating between breakfast time and lunch time it is a setup for a guaranteed meltdown. He snacks during the afternoon, but not as much.

 

The only way that my son has ever been able to calm himself down is to go to his room. Not as punishment, but as a safe place to express his feelings and then compose himself. When he was younger his other safe place was my lap, but he doesn't choose that as often any more ( :sad: ). It is good that you recognized that he can calm himself down in his room, that is a very handy tool to have!

 

I would second the recommendation of sbgrace to try using positive discipline. I noticed that you used punishment at least five times in your scenario from today with zero success (no change in behavior), so perhaps this will be a more effective method. It works really well with my son. Instead of asking him to clean his room or else..., I ask him to clean his room so that he can watch a favorite show/play with the dog/spread the legos out everywhere and build a huge town/play catch outside with dad...whatever activity is going on next. There is no punishment if he doesn't clean his room, he just has to stay in his room until it is clean and he doesn't get the anticipated reward if it isn't done in a timely manner. I also challenge him sometimes, i.e. "I bet you can't get your clothes put away before your sisters have theirs put away." And I randomly give lots and lots of compliments when I catch him doing what needs done (i.e. "Dude! You already put all of those legos back into the box! Are you really Superman or something? That was amazingly fast!").

 

My son also calms down when I can get him thinking about something or distracted by a really silly comment, just like sbgrace's son. Logical thinking and a big display of emotions don't happen at the same time, so I have to make him switch from the emotions to the thinking in order to help himself get under control.

 

Hopefully some of these suggestions work for you; I remember days like you described and they were exhausting and draining. :grouphug:

[Stuart]

My son is very much like this. It is getting better, he is 10. The little progress you see is real progress. When my guy was your eyes I never would have said that. It is frustrating and very trying. I felt like a bad mom all the time. Keep working instilling the behavior you expect. He is hearing it. He wants to control himself he just doesn't have the maturity yet. Children all mature at different paces physically and emotionally. I know it is very hard for you I've been there.

With my son making sure he has a high protein snack every couple hours helps. I also have to limit junk more than most. He is starting to realize how this helps him so its getting easier.

Know others have been through this. It takes all kinds to make the world go round but it is definitely a challenge to raise them.

[matrips]

My one son has had more than his share of issues with self control! However, he could not turn it off like it sounds your son can do. And he really did not want to be acting like that, he just really didn't know how to stop it.

 

As you've found, exercise helps. We've had the calmest months ever when he joined swim team last summer. Every day, 1.5 hours of swimming. However, he is also highly affected by diet. Certain foods just make him edgier. And if he's edgier, he's quicker to anger and frustration. We started with the full blown feingold program a few years back, and it was so nice to see my sweet son again! Oh my, what a difference. Yes he would still get mad or upset, but he wasn't raging out of control; it was normal. We were happier and he was too. for the most part, we follow the main stuff on it and label read like crazy, but we seem to be okay not following it to a tee. Plus grapes and annatto (a natural food color found in so many foods), also produce a similar reaction. Something we found as we added stuff back in. Diet may not apply in your case, but thought I'd mention something we had success with.

[Aunty Social]

.

[8circles]

This sounds like my 7 yo. I think there isn't any one-size-fits-all but I'll tell you what I have learned to do that has helped in these situations.

 

 

We made it from about 9am to 12:30pm before the first fit. I gave him four minutes to empty some little trash cans and take the trash out to the can and the can in from the road. If he didn't finish in time, I said he'd have to vacuum my room. It was plenty of time and he does these jobs all the time. My DS had a difficult time with timed tasks like this until he made progress overall. You may want to hold off on timing things for a while. While we were trying to get a handle on this, I would do tasks like this with him, to avoid triggering his temper.

 

DH was in one bathroom and wouldn't let Tigger in until he was done. Tigger, rather than doing the other bathroom and then coming back, just exploded. I sent him to his room then went in to try and explain that next time he should politely ask me to pause the timer. I didn't get very far before he yelled at me "I'm not going to listen." I left and gave him a few minutes to calm down. Then I went back, and this time, managed to explain to him that next time he should ask if I can pause the timer until daddy comes out. Again, until DS had a better handle on his temper overall, I had to avoid these triggering situations. He just couldn't handle them yet.

 

Less than five minutes later, DH came out and found the blanket he'd been using on the floor in the hall, instead of on the chair where he was working. DH picked up the blanket, and thinking Tigger had been the culprit, jokingly started taking the vacuum Tigger had gotten out to use. Tigger went totally nuts. DH decided he should stand in the corner until he was calm (we used to do this was he was three, but not since then) and it took Tigger a long time to finally stand there quietly. Standing in the corner stuff doesn't work with my DS. This kind of punishment made him feel unloved & shamed - criticism in general did. This was a large part of what we worked on. YMMV. If these situations arise now, we make sure to talk about it (I know, many experts say that too much talking is bad - this is not true for this child) and my DH would explain what he assumed about the blanket, that he was trying to make a joke, & that he was sorry that his actions hurt DS's feelings.

 

About a half hour later, I told Tigger it was time for more school work. He sat down, looked at his math work, and wrote "No" across the bottom. I told him he either had to get to work or go stand in the corner. He went to the corner but wouldn't stand still and kept talking back. I told him he would stay there quietly for four minutes and if he kept talking, it would be raised to five minutes. He talked back some more so I told him to go to his room and lay down. I said he would stay in his room until he was ready to obey me and stand in the corner quietly. Then he would finish his school work. If he didn't get it done by 4:30, he would miss tae kwon do tonight and do the rest of his work with DH. Repeat of above. My DS would have still been hurt about prior incident so further incident wouldn't be surprising, it just snowballs. Discussion about schoolwork getting done & I would ask him what I could do to help him get his schoolwork done. Emphasis on working together & not me being a taskmaster, leaving him only to obey silently (describing how he felt about our situation).

 

 

I hope this is somewhat helpful. I didn't realize how my parenting style was coming across to DS. He needed more help, more nurturing, more coming-alongside. We have made loads & loads of progress. At first it seems like eggshell-walking but that's just how we needed to start-out so that DS understood that we loved him & that we were going to do whatever it took to help him learn how to deal with his emotions. I don't walk on eggshells but I focus much more on teaching him/talking to him/nurturing him rather than instructing him. I don't know if that makes sense. Life is much smoother now & DS has "gotten a grip". YMMV.

[8circles]

IMO this is too much to expect of a 6 year old. First, you asked him to do a multi-step task; multi-step tasks are challenging for a child of that age to manage without supervision and help. Then you added significant time pressure (it would take an adult around 4 minutes to do the tasks you listed, at least in my house's setup). Third, you threatened a significant negative consequence, which added further pressure. Finally, although he was trying his best to accomplish the task you set out, he met with an obstacle that appeared to make it impossible to complete it in time; to expect him to be able to problem-solve in that situation to come to you and ask you to stop the timer is too much to expect. I don't blame him for erupting in frustration at that point.

 

I'd suggest dialing way back on the pressure. For example, ask him to get one garbage can while you get the other, then you can walk together to take them outside. You can give him lots of praise for helping. Drop the timer and consequence. Then have a snack or treat together after the task is accomplished successfully. If you want him to do something quickly, instead of requiring him to beat the timer, make it a fun race - ask him to see how fast he can do it, and you'll time him.

 

As far as self-soothing, I'd suggest looking into techniques for sensory stimulation, to see if any of those can help him (I think the techniques can often be helpful to children who do not have SPD). Does massage relax him? Any textures that he finds comforting - fabrics, objects in sensory boxes, baby oil sensory bags, sensory road to walk on, stress balls to squeeze, etc. I've seen glitter bottles that the kid can shake up to work out frustrations, then watch the glitter settle to calm. For lots of ideas, go to Pinterest and search for "sensory."

Yes. Everything she said. My DS really responds to hard backrubs & being sandwiched between the couch cushions.

[Delirium]

I can only say what works for my kiddo. 50-100 piece puzzles. When I feel like we're about to butt heads or she's hyper focused on something that went wrong I ask her if she'd like a puzzle. It's a set time limit to clear her head but removes the punishment aspect. Weighted blankets, and honestly...picking my battles.

[Tiramisu]

I have one who used to pop blood vessels, too! She's much better. I love sbgrace's advice. Avoid punishment and negative criticism like the plague. Offer rewards for good behavior instead. Praise, praise, praise. Hugs and kisses and lots of warm and fuzzies.

 

These kids are soooo sensitive. Try to smile and light up when they walk into a room, so they feel loved and appreciated. I've found we start to anticipate bad behavior and brace ourselves and it shows in our faces, and they pick up on our negativity.

 

Because our home life had become so negative, we did put her in ps. She does much better with structure. I just couldn't provide her with enough of it, or enough activities. She is very happy in ps and gets recogntion for her good behavior--even awards!-- which has built up her self-esteem and motivates her to do the best she can. It wasn't in my plan, but here we are.

 

We rarely used to have treats at home, but I found that snacks and even sweets can help. Don't feel bad about the cookie.

[Mrs. Darinski]

Can I just say how grateful I am to the OP, and all who have responded here, for this thread? So many of the things you all have shared really resonate here. My DS 6 displays many of the traits you all have described. He can be sweet one minute and explosive the next. He can be sensitive and kind, and cranky and miserable in a flash. Strong willed? And how!! And the meltdowns drain the life out of us. We had one of EPIC proportions just the day before yesterday. We even had him tested for hypoglicemia when he was younger, but felt as if we just got blown off, so I do agree with other posters about the need for regular feedings and rest and exercise too. In fact, we have a doctor's appointment, again, this coming Tuesday to discuss our concerns. We met before and were referred to a pediatrician, but chickened out because we were afraid of potential government involvement. That may seem like an irrational fear, but it was a real part of our thought process. Things have just gotten to such a point now that we cannot go on the way we are any longer. We are tired of 'walking on eggshells' and wondering if each day will be a good day or a bad day. We are seriously wondering if there are sensory issues or even spectrum disorders present. We would really just like answers and real strategies to deal with our situation. We want peace and harmony in our home!

 

So, needless to say, this thread is very timely. I thank you again for all your wisdom, insight, and willingness to share. It is so very good to know there are others out there with similar issues and that we are not the only ones experiencing these kinds of things. Keep those thoughts coming! I am all ears! :lurk5: (Sorry - couldn't find the cool ear smiley.)

[Stuart]

Dealing with this was one of the hardest things I have been through. I felt so alone. I was positive that my kid was the only one who did this. I've come to realize people just don't talk openly about it. There is no amazing quick fix to offer but I can offer understanding which I wish I had back then. Best wishes.

[jhschool]

Please note I say all of the following gently...

 

I agree with a previous poster that you are expecting way too much from a 7 year old.

 

And I think you are punishing too much. Also, standing quietly is going to seem demeaning to a 7 year old.

 

I think that

telling him what the consequence is if he doesn't do all the trashcans in 4 minutes (vacuuming)

just seems way too much to pile on a little one. Maybe just ask him nicely to please take out

the trash and tell him he can get a story afterwards? It seems unwarranted to threaten a

consequence when he hasn't even started. I do say this gently...

 

Dehydration also comes to mind, in addition to the food thing. Make sure he has plenty

of ready-to-eat healthy yummies, like fruit or milk or almonds (within the allergies you mentioned-

I forget what they were). Make sure he has a bottle of water with him available all the time--we

keep big bottles of water in the pantry and we encourage constant drinking.

 

I also suggest more hugging and rewarding.

 

I think your son is going to be fine--he sounds like he is doing his best within his age limitations.

Tell him often that you love him and that he is a great little guy. Otherwise he will hear too much

of the correction, and he needs the positive message all the time, even when he is "misbehaving."

 

 

I wish you the best!

[blondeviolin]

My son is a lot like this and still younger than yours. The poor bloke has had so much against him when he hit toddler-hood...mostly because I was completely taken aback and at a loss for how to deal with him. My oldest was nowhere NEAR anything like him! If I could go back and redo any parenting, I'd redo his toddler years. I was so HIGH STRUNG!

 

For my son, he acts older so much of the time that I have a hard time remembering that he's ONLY 5. Perhaps your son is the same? To my defense, his extracurricular teachers often confuse him for a small 8yo, so I'm not the only one.

 

A few things I have learned:

 

1. Avoid any type of negative ultimatum. If I draw a line in the sand, he can NOT leave it alone. It's as if I have dared him to cross it. And he will every time. So if I give him that line, I know he's going to cross it and then I'm setting him up to fail.

 

2. Along the same lines, don't ever set up a consequence that you can't or don want to follow through with every time. With my son, there are times that he will break the rule just to see if you'll follow through. He's a boundary tester. The best option in our family was to have set rules and set consequences and they apply to everyone equally.

 

3. We do require chores as part of their morning routine. There's no reward for doing them. We just do them. BUT, we added these chores gradually and it's all of a few things at this age. He is required to clean his room in the morning. If he takes 2 hours to do it, that's fine. It just means he's in his room for 2 hours. And there are no toys in his room.

 

4. He rides his bike in our back yard for an hour or so if he has no other physical activity planned.

 

5. Because I had one over-the-top compliant child, I've been very careful to emphasize that our CHOICES are bad, not the person making the bad choice. We also make sure that each child has a regular Special Night where only one child gets to stay up an extra hour to play games with Mom and Dad. I love these times with my son because it can really remind me of how FUN he is.

 

 

 

 

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: you've had some great advice. i don't know what media you have going in your home, but i'd go to no media and then add it back in slowly.

naomi drew's "peaceful parents, peaceful kids" suggests developing a list with each child, and for yourself, of things you can try when you are upset/angry/overwhelmed, etc.

you do this when no one is any of those things.

 

then, the next meltdown that happens, you say, "okay, let's all go to our rooms and choose something from our list and see how it works." it took about a month of this for the kids to internalize the idea that they themselves were responsible for their reaction. for us, it takes about 20 minutes for us to calm down so that we can rationally discuss whatever it is.

 

the other thing that might helps some is "nurture by nature", a myers briggs book for parents about kids. each personality type has a page where it tells you what works with that type well, and why. my mom has a high need for control (even at 83). i have a high need not to be controlled. so the scenario you set up would have been about her needing me to do as she asked, and me needing her not to control or threaten me, even at 53, although i've become way better at seeing the buttons getting pushed.

 

and lastly, it isn't actually fair to give a child a job with a punishment, if it isn't possible to do the job at that moment. even if you had said, "okay, time to do the garbage cans. dad's in the bathroom, so i'll get that one when he's done. how long do you think it will take you? okay, let's set the timer and see." and then i'd make sure i was working at housework, not on the computer while that unfolded/unravelled. i'm curious as to why you give consequences for non-compliance when he hasn't said "no" yet.

 

:grouphug: parenting is not for cowards,

ann

[8circles]

 

I also suggest more hugging and rewarding.

 

I think your son is going to be fine--he sounds like he is doing his best within his age limitations.

Tell him often that you love him and that he is a great little guy. Otherwise he will hear too much

of the correction, and he needs the positive message all the time, even when he is "misbehaving."

 

 

I wish you the best!

 

 

This can't be emphasized enough. This is what I had to realize before we saw any changes. & I (& DH) had to change first.

[8circles]

:grouphug: you've had some great advice. i don't know what media you have going in your home, but i'd go to no media and then add it back in slowly.

naomi drew's "peaceful parents, peaceful kids" suggests developing a list with each child, and for yourself, of things you can try when you are upset/angry/overwhelmed, etc.

you do this when no one is any of those things.

 

then, the next meltdown that happens, you say, "okay, let's all go to our rooms and choose something from our list and see how it works." it took about a month of this for the kids to internalize the idea that they themselves were responsible for their reaction. for us, it takes about 20 minutes for us to calm down so that we can rationally discuss whatever it is.

 

the other thing that might helps some is "nurture by nature", a myers briggs book for parents about kids. each personality type has a page where it tells you what works with that type well, and why. my mom has a high need for control (even at 83). i have a high need not to be controlled. so the scenario you set up would have been about her needing me to do as she asked, and me needing her not to control or threaten me, even at 53, although i've become way better at seeing the buttons getting pushed.

 

and lastly, it isn't actually fair to give a child a job with a punishment, if it isn't possible to do the job at that moment. even if you had said, "okay, time to do the garbage cans. dad's in the bathroom, so i'll get that one when he's done. how long do you think it will take you? okay, let's set the timer and see." and then i'd make sure i was working at housework, not on the computer while that unfolded/unravelled. i'm curious as to why you give consequences for non-compliance when he hasn't said "no" yet.

 

:grouphug: parenting is not for cowards,

ann

 

 

I'd not heard of "peaceful parents, peaceful kids" so I looked it up. Thanks for posting that. This page has some great stuff on it - I love the 17 key at the bottom. I'll repost here.

The Seventeen Keys To Peaceful Parenting

 

Key #1:

Peace begins with me.

 

Key #2:

I have made my home a place of kind words.

 

Key #3:

I catch my children in the act of positive behaviors and praise them immediately, specifically and sincerely.

 

Key #4:

I spend at least 15 to 20 minutes a day with each child, listening, interacting, and giving my full attention.

 

Key #5:

I am clear on the standards of behavior I expect of my children. I honor those standards and expect my children to do the same.

 

Key #6:

I provide my children with empty spaces of time during which they can just "be kids. "

 

Key #7:

I hold regularly scheduled family meetings where my children have a voice in the workings of our family.

 

Key #8:

I have set a foundation for peacefulness in our home by creating with my children "Guidelines for a Peaceful family. "

 

Key #9:

I always remember that I am the parent and deserve to be listened to.

 

Key #10:

I have fair, reasonable consequences for negative behaviors which I only use when necessary.

 

Key #ll:

I listen with all my heart to what my children have to say, and teach them to be good listeners for others.

 

Key #12:

I teach my children how to handle anger in nondestructive ways and I model this consistently.

 

Key #13:

I resolve conflicts peacefully and teach my children to do the same.

 

Key #14:

I find ways to help my children succeed.

 

Key #15:

All my actions are guided by love, compassion, fairness, respect, and integrity. I nurture these attributes in my children.

 

Key #16:

I live my commitment to peaceful parenting; my commitment guides all my actions.

 

Key#17:

I remember daily that we each have an impact on the world around us and I teach this to my children.

[Mrs Mungo]

If he ate first breakfast at nine, how long did he fast between last night's dinner and this morning's breakfast? It might be too long. Try giving him something long-digesting like steel cut oats at bedtime and feeding him a snack with a little protein as soon as he gets up, while you are making the big breakfast.

 

I feed my kids often, but I also need to make sure I give them plenty of protein. If they don't eat plenty of protein, then I am guaranteeing they some mood issues. I try to make sure even their snacks have some protein. They might eat eggs with cheese and a piece of toast for breakfast, apples and peanut butter for snack, sandwiches with protein, maybe even almonds and/or cheese on the side for lunch, cottage cheese and some fruit for their next snack, etc. I'm sure you can think of ideas that fit within his diet.

 

I would consider a visit to a therapist.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Did you ever find anything that helped? Or did you just have to endure until he matured? It got to the point in the spring that I was looking at a private school for Tigger, just so I didn't have to be subjected to his explosions all day long.

 

DH and I are not very emotional people, so we can't relate, at all, to Tigger's inability to calm himself and his tendency to overreact.

 

Reading what you've posted, it seems like you and he are ships passing in the night where discipline is concerned. There is a disconnect between what he needs and your style of discipline. I cringed when I read the thing about standing in the corner. My mom used to punish me by making me stand in the corner. She did it to shame me and boy, did it ever shame me, but not in any kind of helpful way. It didn't make me apologetic. It didn't make me think about behaving better or minding. It made me angry and I felt misunderstood and bullied. Eventually, of course, I had to stand there quietly and finish my time in the corner, and I am sure she thought that I had become compliant and that making me stand in the corner was a great success. But no, I was just silently filling with more and more anger and embarrassment. This certainly didn't make me less defiant. And it hurt our relationship. I remember thinking, wondering why she couldn't just listen to me.

 

What is your son like outside of the tantrums? When you say you can't relate because you aren't emotional, I immediately think of Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer? It helped me see what my DD needed and was an enormously beneficial read for me.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Dana-Spears/dp/0785277005/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359130954&sr=8-1&keywords=strong+willed+child+or+dreamer

 

I didn't realize how my parenting style was coming across to DS. He needed more help, more nurturing, more coming-alongside. We have made loads & loads of progress. At first it seems like eggshell-walking but that's just how we needed to start-out so that DS understood that we loved him & that we were going to do whatever it took to help him learn how to deal with his emotions. I don't walk on eggshells but I focus much more on teaching him/talking to him/nurturing him rather than instructing him. I don't know if that makes sense. Life is much smoother now & DS has "gotten a grip".

 

:iagree:

[8circles]

Reading what you've posted, it seems like you and he are ships passing in the night where discipline is concerned. There is a disconnect between what he needs and your style of discipline. I cringed when I read the thing about standing in the corner. My mom used to punish me by making me stand in the corner. She did it to shame me and boy, did it ever shame me, but not in any kind of helpful way. It didn't make me apologetic. It didn't make me think about behaving better or minding. It made me angry and I felt misunderstood and bullied. Eventually, of course, I had to stand there quietly and finish my time in the corner, and I am sure she thought that I had become compliant and that making me stand in the corner was a great success. But no, I was just silently filling with more and more anger and embarrassment. This certainly didn't make me less defiant. And it hurt our relationship. I remember thinking, wondering why she couldn't just listen to me.

 

Yes. This happened to me, too. I became a "compliant" child on the outside but we have no honest relationship. I struggle with this even now, as an adult.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I need to clarify a few things:

 

-Making Tigger stand in the corner isn't a regular thing. We hadn't tried it in years and yesterday DH wanted to try it. This morning we agreed to just send him to his room to calm down.

 

-The reason I gave him a time limit for the trash was because he often does better with time limits. They frequently help him focus better. (The day before I didn't give him one for the laundry and it took him more than an hour to put away because he kept getting distracted and playing.) I agree that yesterday I should have approached him and said that I would pause the timer until DH was out of the bathroom (which I didn't know about until I heard him exploding about).

 

-The reason I told him what the consequence would be ahead of time was because the book "Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child" says that strong-willed kids need to know the penalty ahead of time.

 

If I use the timer, I will give him more time. I will try to do more fun things with him to improve the relationship. I will send him to his room to calm down as soon as he starts to act up, so he doesn't have the chance to get more worked up and get himself in more trouble.

 

It's hard because we spent 5 1/2 years at a cultic church where nearly everyone used Michael Pearl's books. We are gone from there now, but it is hard to figure out realistic expectations for each age. Our friends now either have much older kids (not helpful to us) or much easier kids (also not helpful to us). DH especially is at a loss of what to do in many situations and wishes there was something as "easy to use" as just spanking for every single thing. (He hasn't done this in years, for my sake, but he really misses the simplicity of the old mindset.)

[Clear Creek]

If you have some time to read, many of the articles linked on this page have been very helpful to me in dealing with my son. Pretty much everything listed under grace-based discipline, and there are some short articles listed under quick reference for specific topics if you are short on time. These articles (and her book) are what helped me to change how I disciplined my son so that it was more effective (and the opposite of what the Pearls taught, to boot). Basically, I use natural consequences for undesired behavior (i.e. if he doesn't want to clean his room and takes too long to do it, he misses out on the activity following it), and when another is hurt (physically or with words or actions) restitution is made...for example, if he hits his sister he has to do something kind for her (like one of her chores, or giving her his dessert at supper), not as punishment (he has to think of the restitution himself and do it voluntarily), but to show kindness to make up for the hurt he caused.

[Clarkd]

Recently I read about approaching kids through their strengths. We have a child who is so kind but can also dig in his heels and fly off the handle. When we ask him to do something we changed from I need you to do this to Could you be a big help and do xyz? Often this slight change in the way we approach has made a difference. Also, explaining why things have to be a certain way helps him too. For example, I need you to take out the trash really quickly because I don't want to miss the garbage truck or I need to keep the toys off the floor so the dog doesn't eat them let's pick these up together etc.

You mentioned videotaping, when I was teachin in the k12 schools I videotaped myself it really taught me so much about my own interaction style. Sometimes it's hard to be in the moment with a child who is struggling and to reflect on my own behavior. Videotaping helped me to be a better teacher. I have thought recently it also might help my parenting.

Our kids also respond very well to high levels of structure. We just went on vacation, even while away we had to maintain the same daily schedule for activities, meals, rest times, and yes, we even brought the homeschool stuff with us(and ued it).

As someone mentioned before, a rewards based chore chart may help, a set of weekly or daily expectations with stickers that lead to amount of play time etc.

If some of this is sensory I would look into sensory integration/sensory diet information. Out of Sync child has fun is one of my fav resources for this.

Best of luck!

[Clarkd]

Oh, one other issue I forgot to mention. Could he have a processing delay? My child who gets easily overwhelmed needs a bit more time to respond to directions not because of a behvioral issue but because it takes him a bit longer to process it. If I talk and talk at him he gets overwhelmed and quickly shuts down. Just a thought.