What to say when someone asks you...

[countrygal]

how many kids are you going to have? Not your bf asking you, but church people and the like! I'm getting so irritated by people asking!! Today I was asked, "How many is enough? 10? (laugh laugh)" Dh comes from a big family so I think that's why we get the questions. We have 4. I don't know if I want more or if we'll have more. Do I have to explain my reproductive thoughts, feelings, and actions with everyone? I want to say so many rude things... but I guess I'm too nice. Anyone have a creative answer??:bigear: (and why are kids seen as such burdens?)

[sunnylady303]

If you are feeling cranky - "Umm...none of your business."

 

If you are only a little impatient - "We don't really talk about that" with a look implying the asker is a little strange

 

If you are feeling polite - laugh a little "Oh, who knows?" Teehee.

 

ETA: I have lots of rude answers you could give. I'm just in a rude mood tonight. It didn't seem particularly helpful though. But if you want some, just ask.

[Elizabeth in MN]

I'd respond with a serious face "a baker's dozen might be enough". But I'm evil like that.

[Crimson Wife]

At church I would say that we're taking it one child at a time and that DH and I continue to pray for God's guidance in the matter.

[Petrichor]

I'm assuming you get that question because you have "a lot" of kids?

 

I get the opposite "Your son is growing up so fast, when's the next baby?" I've taken to answering with "Well, I'm actually having fertility issues right now" Honest to God. Random person who I don't know (or even an acquaintance or friend) wants to ask me that kind of question, they can deal with the awkwardness of that kind of answer. Yes, even at my place of worship, even to people in the more conservative crowd.

 

I'd love a big family, but I guess it's just not God's will for us at this point in life.

 

A few hours (minutes?) after my son was born, I was like "That was fun, let's do that again!" (no sarcasm) So in your situation, I would probably say something like "Well, giving birth is just so much fun, I want to do it as many times as I can!"

 

To religious people/at church, I would say something like "kids are such a great blessing, you can just see the miracles of God when you look at their cute innocent faces, and I love to be surrounded with the miracles of God."

 

I do vote for saying something that makes the asker look strange. In my book, you are at least a little strange if you are not very close to me and you are inquiring about my plans for my uterus.

[ThisIsTheDay]

how many kids are you going to have? Not your bf asking you, but church people and the like!

 

"As many as God will bless me with!"

[Murphy101]

I have no idea. God hasn't clued me in on His plans yet.

[Jean in Newcastle]

To quote Kay, "Why do you ask?"

[TengoFive]

I always say, "I don't know. I take them one at a time." DH has started saying, "Well, we've always planned on 8, but now that you mention it 10 might be better."

 

I have a cousin who has to talk about new forms of birth control every time he visits. He's an OB, and I think really believes we don't know about birth control. LOL...

 

What really bothers me though, is the constant speculation over whether I'm pregnant or not. I don't tell people until I'm through the first trimester. I've had enough miscarriages that I don't want to deal with people knowing about them. This past summer, people kept asking me if I was, and I really didn't know what to say or how to deal with it. I was pregnant, but I wasn't comfortable telling anyone, not even my mom until I thought it would stick. I just happen to start to look pregnant as soon as my fertility returns, so I look pregnant before I am. At the time, I was only 5 weeks and had just found out.

 

It really upset me that people were forward enough to ask me about it. I mean, I'm overweight, so I could have taken it really poorly. People should know that as soon as a woman wants people to know she's pregnant, she'll announce it. Until then, DON'T ASK!

 

Am I alone in this?

 

BTW, sorry to hijack your thread... I also get a lot of, "Boy, your hands are full!" and I always reply, "Better full than empty!"

[IsabelC]

I think it's rude and nosy for people to ask if they're not close friends or relatives. Possible responses. depending on how polite you're feeling:

"We're not really sure at this stage"

"Well, we're really enjoying the children we have right now"

"We'll probably stop having babies before we're 60"

"We're working on getting ourselves a whole team"

"We're aiming to have the next baby in about 9 months and 30 minutes. Excuse me, I must go find my husband."

"So, how's your sex life going?"

[Impish]

I simply smile widely, and say, "We'll see!" Folks don't know what to do w/that. :lol:

[IsabelC]

It really upset me that people were forward enough to ask me about it. I mean, I'm overweight, so I could have taken it really poorly. People should know that as soon as a woman wants people to know she's pregnant, she'll announce it. Until then, DON'T ASK!

 

Am I alone in this?

 

Nope, you're quite right. It is intrusive and rude to ask whether a woman is pregnant. For any woman, but more especially a fuller-figured woman, I think that it's safer not to assume pregnancy until she has mentioned it first.

 

I reckon it's OK for your friends to ask in a less direct way. If you 'bloom' in pregnancy, they could say "Wow, you're looking really well", or if you are terribly sick the could say "Gosh, you look a little tired", then pause, and that gives you the choice to mention the pregnancy or not, as you prefer.

[Danestress]

"You know, I never know how to answer that question, and people ask it a lot, I guess because I already have a nest full of children. But obviously I am not going to tell people what my plans are for my lady parts over the next few years, so ..."

 

and then wait for them to say something.

 

I bet they never ever ask anyone that question again:)

[BakersDozen]

I usually say something like, "I don't know...God hasn't seen fit to tell me!"

 

That question has always surprised me not because it might be considered a bit rude but because the one asking it assumes I actually know the # of dc I will end up with. It strikes me as a bit...assumptive, perhaps? But then I hold absolutely no assumption that I will get/stay pg so that affects my thinking on that particular question. I'd love to confidently assert that I will have "x" # of dc...and have it actually end up being true!

 

"We're aiming to have the next baby in about 9 months and 30 minutes. Excuse me, I must go find my husband."

 

LOL!! Oh, my, I hope I have the courage to use this someday!! Maybe with someone I know very, very well. ;)

 

(and why are kids seen as such burdens?)

I've wondered about this same thing for years. Understandably, there may be physical, financial or other limitations/reasons but when someone openly expresses their view of dc being a burden (whether verbally or nonverbally) to me, I just don't get it. The worst I ever had was a man at church who found out I had just had #9. He paused, then said with a look of disgust, "Well, at least you'll get them out of the house one right after the other so you can move on with your life." I was holding my 4-day old baby and he said that to my face. He was a pastor. :( Edited October 1, 2012 by LuvnMySvn

[MrsBanjoClown]

"as many as I am blessed with!" as I ruffle the hair of my nearest child and put my arm around him...of course, I only have two, so I haven't heard that!

[Jpoy85]

I have no idea. God hasn't clued me in on His plans yet.

 

I like this answer. :)

[carina]

My SIL liked to respond with "23", that way they didn't know if she was serious and crazy, or just joking. Either way they didn't ask again. ;)

 

I usually just said we're taking it one kid at a time.

[Audrey]

Bless your heart for asking! (big smile, walk away)

 

 

 

Because really... that kind of question is just begging for a 'bless your heart...' :glare:

[SKL]

I think I'd say "only God really knows."

 

If they start to get more specific, like, "are you trying," a nice comeback is "are you?"

 

And "why do you ask" is a pretty good catch-all "none of your beezwax" response.

[Kipling]

I'll have to remember some of these for my MIL. She's been asking and she's horrified that we'll have a fourth. The last time she asked, I responded with "When there's something to tell, we'll let you know." I had a friend who responded with "We'll stop when we have an ugly one." This always got a laugh - but I hope it doesn't scar their eventual last one.

[kolamum]

:grouphug: Come up with a cute slogan, "Just enough for now." "I'm not sure, I lost count when we left home this morning." "Kids?! Ha, you must be meaning my sister!" ;)

 

Yeah, I can be a bit naughty with that question. tee-hee.

[KidsHappen]

As many as God gives me. I only planned on two and then a third when I remarried. God obviously had other plans.

[stripe]

I do vote for saying something that makes the asker look strange. In my book, you are at least a little strange if you are not very close to me and you are inquiring about my plans for my uterus.

 

i'm with you. Before I had kids, I had this lady (my age or a couple years older) who kept asking me when I was going to have kids. One day she was doing double duty with me and another woman who'd confided in me about her infertility issues, and she was telling me, "You should go home tonight and get pregnant," I swear! I got so angry with her. I calmly told her babies aren't ordered up like Thanksgiving turkeys.

 

The funniest one was when I was about 4 mo pregnant and I went to a lunch thing, and this old Egyptian lady I had never seen before pointed at me and said, "You're pregnant." A few minutes later, a woman who hadn't been in the room, who was an ob/gyn cornered me and asked me if I wanted to have kids. "Yes," I said. "Well, you should go see a doctor," and gave me this lecture about fertility treatments. I didn't bother telling her I already was pregnant.

 

I think it's tacky to announce that someone doesn't want any more kids or that someone is trying for more. Plans change and circumstances intervene, and I really think people don't need to try to envision me "trying" to get pregnant.

[Carol in Cal.]

Big grin: "We haven't set an upper limit yet!"

[d.g.]

BTW, sorry to hijack your thread... I also get a lot of, "Boy, your hands are full!" and I always reply, "Better full than empty!"

 

Ouch. I can see where someone being overly intrusive deserves to be put in their place, but this comment has the potential to seriously hurt someone who is struggling with infertility. :glare:

 

 

Personally, I like responses that put the nosy person in an awkward position. It's more likely to shut them up than the more polite versions of "mind your own business." I wish I'd been faster with a comeback when we were trying for DS3... we were struggling with a few early (4-5 weeks, "barely pregnant") losses in a row and people really ticked me off asking about whether/when we were going to have another (my second, dh's third).

 

Now we've moved on to "Don't you just wish you could have a little girl?" I had my tubes tied during my second emergent c-section, and made sure everyone knew it at the time it happened, but they still ask. I've taken to answering less-than-nicely: "Well, yes, actually, I'd LOVE to have a little girl. Too bad it can't happen without a miracle!" complete with bitter look. Works every time.

[2squared]

I answer honestly, but usually the asker is just making small talk. I mean, we do have a larger family. Often I think the asker is thinking about their family plans, and the question is their way to open the conversation about larger family size.

 

Anyway....my answer is "Well, we stopped at 4." They usually look confused for a minute since we have 5, but then I *think* they get it. Then I say "I hope we aren't having another one." Both completely true answers.

[Impish]

Wolf's been asked why he has 5 kids.

 

His answer varies.

 

He picked up this line from a comedian: "We kept going until we got one we liked."

 

He's also been known to say, "Have you seen my wife?!" w/a huge leer and wink.

[happypamama]

I "only" have four, but if people ask, I'm likely to say, "Hopefully at least one more." (I've always wanted five, and I do still feel like there is someone we haven't met yet.) What I really want to say is, "my DH and I make such darn cute babies that we should have a hundred," because that's how I feel when I look at my children.

 

I have said "better full than empty," but I know that's not really fair to those having fertility issues (but I also doubt they're the ones saying, "you have your hands full," either). I often have the youngest in a baby carrier, so I like to wave my hands and say, "no, I don't!" But most often, and especially because my children are generally in hearing, and I would never want them to think they were anything less than wanted blessings, I say, "heart too!"

[SKL]

Just as an aside, since it's been mentioned a couple of times: "you have your hands full," to me, does not mean "you had unprotected sex too often." To me it is just an acknowledgement that you probably put a lot of effort into living the good life.

 

I'm a single mom of "only" two (5yos), and yes, I have my hands full. I've never quite understood why this is an insensitive or mean thing to say.

[2squared]

Just as an aside, since it's been mentioned a couple of times: "you have your hands full," to me, does not mean "you had unprotected sex too often." To me it is just an acknowledgement that you probably put a lot of effort into living the good life.

 

I'm a single mom of "only" two (5yos), and yes, I have my hands full. I've never quite understood why this is an insensitive or mean thing to say.

 

:iagree: I receive that comment often, and I always answer with a warm smile, "Yes, I do!" It's the truth. Anyone seeing our brood knows they are a lot of work and a lot of love.

[JenMama]

To quote Kay, "Why do you ask?"

 

Geez, I really like that response.

[cottonmama]

I'm a single mom of "only" two (5yos), and yes, I have my hands full. I've never quite understood why this is an insensitive or mean thing to say.

 

:iagree: When I get this, there's always a smile with it... and to be honest, usually my hands are literally full, too. To me it always seems like it's meant kindly.

[In the Rain]

Just as an aside, since it's been mentioned a couple of times: "you have your hands full," to me, does not mean "you had unprotected sex too often." To me it is just an acknowledgement that you probably put a lot of effort into living the good life.

 

:iagree: When I've heard comments about my hands being full, it is generally from elderly women at church who genuinely enjoy having my children around. I've never seen it as an insult. It seems more like a compliment.

 

To the OP, I'd probably answer with a simple, "Why do you ask?"

[Jean in Newcastle]

:iagree: When I get this, there's always a smile with it... and to be honest, usually my hands are literally full, too. To me it always seems like it's meant kindly.

 

Well, when I had it said to me, it was always when my kids were out of control. It was one way of telling me that my kids were out of control. And no one ever stepped in to take any of the load off of my hands even for a moment.

[gardenmom5]

how many kids are you going to have? Not your bf asking you, but church people and the like! I'm getting so irritated by people asking!! Today I was asked, "How many is enough? 10? (laugh laugh)" Dh comes from a big family so I think that's why we get the questions. We have 4. I don't know if I want more or if we'll have more. Do I have to explain my reproductive thoughts, feelings, and actions with everyone? I want to say so many rude things... but I guess I'm too nice. Anyone have a creative answer??:bigear: (and why are kids seen as such burdens?)

 

"that's a very personal question" followed-up with 'the look' :toetap05:that means "you have stepped over the line". (I am also highly opposed to inquiring about the status of other people's wombs. unless someone has made an announcement, keep quiet. I realize some people think they are "caring" by asking someone if they're pregnant when said person is wearing normal clothes. um, no. they're gossiping.)

 

if you find the former too direct - "why are you asking?":toetap05: followed up with the same look works too. ("you'll find out" can elicit amusing facial expressions.) if they come up with an answer, that does not mean you have to give anymore information.

 

the only ones who deserve to have this discussion with you are your husband (or guy you're planning on marrying) and your Dr because pregnancy affects your health.

[bethben]

My friend (who has 8) would always say, "we're trying for a lefty" (a left handed person).

 

Beth

[stripe]

Anyway....my answer is "Well, we stopped at 4." They usually look confused for a minute since we have 5, but then I *think* they get it. Then I say "I hope we aren't having another one." Both completely true answers.

 

I always feel sorry for the kids that are born after the parents went around telling everyone "We're done!"

[GAPeachie]

I say, "Well, we take them one at a time, since the Lord hasn't seen fit to send us twins!"

 

That usually shuts them right up. ;)

 

I really had to bite my tongue a few weeks ago, when some Nosey Nellie at church (an elderly gentleman) over heard that Isaiah was #5. He walked over and said, "After service, I'll tell your husband how to stop that."

 

I wanted to have a fit right there in the foyer. I wanted to hand him my Bible and ask him to show me where it says that only child #1-4 are blessings. But I refrained.

Edited October 1, 2012 by GAPeachie

[Forget-Me-Not]

I usually just shrug and say "We'll see".

 

Of course now that I'm currently, obviously, pregnant, I get intrusive questions as well. . . there are a few ladies at church that I actively avoid.

[sweetbasil]

Anyway....my answer is "Well, we stopped at 4." They usually look confused for a minute since we have 5, but then I *think* they get it. Then I say "I hope we aren't having another one." Both completely true answers.

 

Wow.

 

Well bless your heart.

[2squared]

I always feel sorry for the kids that are born after the parents went around telling everyone "We're done!"

 

I don't, but then we have never announced that we were done or acted like we didn't want more kids. We are done actively trying, but we may not be done having babies. This is why my reply is perfect for us. I say it with a warm smile and not a snarl, of course. :001_smile:

 

Our unplanned #5 has been the most amazing blessing for our family. Everyone loves him to pieces. As a family who doesn't use artificial birth control, having surprise babies is expected.

[Galatea]

My half-sister who I lived with as a child had 6 of her own children, plus my brother and I. She got so much grief, I felt bad about it even then. She was never afraid to give the blunt answers though.

 

As a parent of one, I get equal grief. But it is more of the "when are you having another?" variety, followed by horror at my cruelty when I say that we're done.

[gardenmom5]

Bless your heart for asking! (big smile, walk away)

 

Because really... that kind of question is just begging for a 'bless your heart...' :glare:

as only a true southern lady can deliver.

 

My SIL liked to respond with "23", that way they didn't know if she was serious and crazy, or just joking. Either way they didn't ask again. ;)

.

:lol:

 

I think it's tacky to announce that someone doesn't want any more kids or that someone is trying for more. Plans change and circumstances intervene, and I really think people don't need to try to envision me "trying" to get pregnant.

the most hilarious example of that was the woman who was announcing her "pregnancy" before she bothered to take a pregnancy test. I was unable to generate any sympathy when she had to retract the announcement. You'd have thought just to save her face she'd have said she miscarried.

 

I always feel sorry for the kids that are born after the parents went around telling everyone "We're done!"

:iagree: I was very young and too lacking in self-confidence years ago to take aside one mom pregnant with #4 who kept saying to any who were close by "we didn't plan this". yes honey, we understand you're not happy. speaking as a child who grew up knowing I was "an accident", shut up about it already. You're doing your child no favors. people remember those expressions. Hopefully moms who have those thoughts won't share them (except with their aboslute closest confidants), and will later be able to rejoice in their new little one. if those thoughts are kept confidential, the child will not have to hear about it as they are growing up.

 

we have a woman at church who made no secret that she didn't want kids. when she announced her pregnancy (IVF), she was also very dramatic as she knew there would be people who didn't believe her and would think she was joking. "H3ll has frozen over, I"m pregnant". She's been thrilled with the twin boys.

 

Personally, I like responses that put the nosy person in an awkward position. It's more likely to shut them up than the more polite versions of "mind your own business."

everyone I have ever used "that's a personal question" and a hard stare (that is a key component) has walked away from me with their tail between their legs. or at least they changed the subject.

 

I wish I'd been faster with a comeback when we were trying for DS3... we were struggling with a few early (4-5 weeks, "barely pregnant") losses in a row and people really ticked me off asking about whether/when we were going to have another .

my sil just told them the truth. "didn't you hear about my miscarriage?" made them feel pretty dumb. but then she wasn't exactly overcome with emotion about the loss either.

[2squared]

:iagree: I was very young and too lacking in self-confidence years ago to take aside one mom pregnant with #4 who kept saying to any who were close by "we didn't plan this". yes honey, we understand you're not happy. speaking as a child who grew up knowing I was "an accident", shut up about it already. You're doing your child no favors. people remember those expressions. Hopefully moms who have those thoughts won't share them (except with their aboslute closest confidants), and will later be able to rejoice in their new little one. if those thoughts are kept confidential, the child will not have to hear about it as they are growing up.

 

I just can't see this as being such a big deal. I was an "accident" as are many other children. I haven't known of anyone scarred by knowing that they weren't planned. Unwanted, certainly, but unplanned? Definitely not. Unplanned is not the same as unwanted.

[BakersDozen]

This

Then I say "I hope we aren't having another one." Both completely true answers.

seems to contradict this

but then we have never announced that we were done or acted like we didn't want more kids.

Am I missing something? :confused:

[Kirch]

I just can't see this as being such a big deal. I was an "accident" as are many other children. I haven't known of anyone scarred by knowing that they weren't planned. Unwanted, certainly, but unplanned? Definitely not. Unplanned is not the same as unwanted.

 

It's just the wording. An "accident" is almost always something negative, something you try to avoid. Our second child was unplanned and a surprise (although we did plan to have another, just not right then), but I would never say he was an accident. Just the word "accident" has the connotation of "unwanted," even if that's not the way it's intended.

[ECreasman]

How ever many God blesses me with!

[snickerplum]

I like "I don't know, why - how many are YOU going to have?"

We got asked a LOT when I was pregnant with our 4th (#3 and #4 are 13 months apart). People even went so far as to ask us if we planned on a visectomy. Hello! Um, we're at Sam's Club and I don't know you, so I'm not going to answer that......

[redsquirrel]

I usually answer most personal type questions with "why do you ask", and I am surprised at how often people have a real reason for asking. It might be that they are struggling with their own decision about something etc and see me as a good person to talk to about it.

[Scarlett]

I never understand why these type of questions are so upsetting to people. My years on WTM forums have rendered me nearly mute in social settings....never knowing what to say or if it will freak.someone. out.

 

Answer however you want, however you feel. People are just interested and trying to make conversation.