Boys over age ten should be mainly parented by dad?

[Michelle T]

I was talking to a psychiatrist today (he follows meds for DS) and he was saying that he firmly believes that boys over the age of ten need to be mainly parented by their fathers. Especially discipline, he said this needs to come from the father, as the father is the "alpha male" of the household, and boys will naturally stand up to their mothers, needing the alpha male to put them back in their place.

 

Doctor said that mothers of boys should kind of step back after age ten, as they have done their part. He didn't say mothers should completely stop parenting their boys, just that the father should be far more instrumental at that point.

 

He said more, but I'm wondering what you all think of this? I admit, while I was listening to him, I was thinking he's a nut job, but now I'm wondering if there is validity in what he said?

 

Oh, and he felt just the opposite for girls. Mothers need to strongly maintain their primary parent role with girls over ten.

Michelle T

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I was talking to a psychiatrist today (he follows meds for DS) and he was saying that he firmly believes that boys over the age of ten need to be mainly parented by their fathers. Especially discipline, he said this needs to come from the father, as the father is the "alpha male" of the household, and boys will naturally stand up to their mothers, needing the alpha male to put them back in their place.

 

Doctor said that mothers of boys should kind of step back after age ten, as they have done their part. He didn't say mothers should completely stop parenting their boys, just that the father should be far more instrumental at that point.

 

He said more, but I'm wondering what you all think of this? I admit, while I was listening to him, I was thinking he's a nut job, but now I'm wondering if there is validity in what he said?

 

Oh, and he felt just the opposite for girls. Mothers need to strongly maintain their primary parent role with girls over ten.

Michelle T

 

Hahahahahaha, hohohohohohohoho! :lol::lol: Ha! Uh... yeah, whatever.

 

If he doesn't think a grown woman can be enough of an alpha for a ten y/o boy, he just needs to come meet me.

 

*snort!*

 

WOOF!

 

And I think that dh and I about equally have parented dd (15), and certainly he's been the primary parent for dd (4) for the past 15 months. Neither have shown any indications of having been ruined completely.

[fshinkevich]

I would find a new doctor. I'm sure there is some logic to his ideas but I don't agree with them. I think both parents need to be involved as a unit. I know there are "boy things" I just don't get but my DH discusses these things with me so I can understand. I think a strong relationship between mother/son is vital in how he will treat women when older, and I think there is certainly some truth to "daughters grow up to marry their fathers" so hopefully they have a wonderful role model and strong relationship with theirs!

[LisaNY]

I don't know about that. I think fathers should play a strong, integral role in the lives of their sons AND daughters right from the start. I don't like the idea of dad "stepping in to play a stronger role" after their son is 10. He should be there all along. :001_smile:

 

I *do* think that a boy should be spending lots of quality time with their dads doing "guy stuff", to affirm them as men. However, I ALSO think girls should be spending time with their dads to affirm them as well.

 

What the dr. is suggesting feels a bit artificial and contrived to me. There should be a natural flow to the relationships in a family. Not a "Alright, it's time for dad to raise you now" kind of situation.

[Rebecca in VA]

I agree, and this is especially true for strong-willed boys. Hands-on parenting -- with an enormous amount of oversight and advice -- from Dad has worked wonders in our house!

[angela in ohio]

I agree with him.

 

Every boy I know IRL over 12 yo that I can stand to be around is parented this way, and vice versa, which is enough evidence for me.

 

I know thay my relationship with ds will be different than mine with dd. To them (dd), I am a mentor and a model and the primary discipline source; to him dh is that, and I am more of a supporter and love-giver.

[summer]

I am guessing he is a Christian counselor/doctor or just plain sexist.

 

Regardless, I never allow what someone else says to overrule what is common sense to me. If your child were in public school, your child would be gone all day with likely, female teachers. This doctor is going off the idea that women are and need to be weaker than men. If you have been having behavioral problems with your son, then your DH likely needs to take a stronger role, but you should not back off as his parent just because you are a woman. A child needs both parents to be strong and capable parents. The child also needs to respect both parents. It should never ever become a "wait until your father gets home" kind of discipline.

[asta]

Who is this guy, Freud?

 

Strong parents, certainly, but having alpha-male only after a certain age? What hogwash.

 

My DH has been prepping DS for "manhood" (what a term...) his entire life, he isn't just "appearing" now that DS is at a certain age!

 

And if DH was supposed to "be in charge" we would have a significant problem: DH is never home! I am the primary disciplinarian, teacher, guidance counselor, etc.

 

I'd seek a second opinion.

 

 

asta

[CactusPair]

I disagree with the dr. That is not how a family works, imo or experience.

Other families might be different.

 

And what if the alpha of the house if the mother? And I'm not talking about single moms. Sometimes the boss of the house, the strongest, most clear-headed, involved leader, with the most time is the mom. I don't have a problem with that scenario.

 

And what about co-alphas? Certainly this would be my first choice for family dynamics.

 

I think the doctor is caught up in an idealistic, nostalgic fantasy of 1950's TV.

 

Leadership from both parents is important for children of either gender.

[Ailaena]

I think a strong relationship between mother/son is vital in how he will treat women when older

:iagree:

 

I really think that if a man is the "alpha male" of the household, that implies that the women are second best. If the mother is unable or unwilling to be the enforcer to her sons, she is showing that she is the weak one in the household unit, the one whose word does not go as far.

 

Of course, if you go for that sort of thing, then that's cool, I'm not trying to judge. I know that there are families that believe that the man is the head and ruler of the family unit, no questions asked. I just really believe that both parents need to be love-givers as well as enforcers if you are trying to avoid that type of lifestyle. (I am really trying not to offend, but mucking it up!)

[Tracey in TX]

I'd fire the psychiatrist immediately. DH travels extensively and *I* am the alpha wolf, make no (proverbial) bones about it! When he's around, I will gladly step aside, but will not relinquish my parenting role b/c some over-educated, opinionated doctor says so.

fwiw, I will not allow DH to not take a strong parenting role in our girls.

What's up with segregating by sex? Are we intentionally attempting to reverse 75 years of women moving forward by treating our lives gender specific?

This sort of topic really riles me.:cursing:

[nmoira]

Especially discipline, he said this needs to come from the father, as the father is the "alpha male" of the household, and boys will naturally stand up to their mothers, needing the alpha male to put them back in their place.

My concern would be how the alpha male is supposed to mark his territory.

 

I agree with the others who say get a new psychiatrist.

[nukeswife]

I think it's a bunch of bunk. If that's how I would have to be with my sons then they'd be seriously hurting. My dh is military and is gone for long stretches of time. We're talking 6 months or longer. My sons would be a mess if things bounced back and forth between mom and dad being "in charge" like that. My kids know that I'm the alpha here because what mom says has to be followed or this house would fall apart when dh is gone.

 

I say get another Dr.

[Ellie]

Where's the "Oh Please!" smiley when you need it?!

 

There are so many holes in his theory, I don't even know where to begin. So I won't.

 

:iagree: with finding a new doctor. Right away.

[Ashleen]

I don't usually agree with anyone who uses terms like "alpha male" to describe human families, but I've always firmly felt that babies need mostly their mommies and that as boys get older, they need their daddy more and more. I can do a lot of things for my kids, but I can't teach them to be men. They can only learn by following their father. If I didn't have a husband, I'd move closer to my dad and brother and have my sons spend a lot of time with them.

[Perry]

I think he's got a good point. I suspect that in his role of a psychiatrist, he sees lots of troubled young boys who would benefit enormously from having a more prominent father figure in their lives. I don't think he is saying that mothers aren't important; he's saying that overall, fathers don't play a large enough role, and I think he's right.

[PariSarah]

I was talking to a psychiatrist today (he follows meds for DS) and he was saying that he firmly believes that boys over the age of ten need to be mainly parented by their fathers.

 

Children of all ages and both sexes need two full-time parents. Period. Neither parent can afford to be less than 100% invested in parenting at any stage of the game. Even if one parent has to be physically less present (say, because she's deployed or because he's ill or because she has a demanding employer), that parent needs to manage to make her presence felt.

 

The idea that 14yo boys should not have to learn that they are just as accountable to mom as to dad, and that 14yo girls should not have the blessing of their fathers' as well as their mothers' influence, is ludicrous.

 

I love the idea that dads of boys may need to be on the look out for particular things at particular ages, and the same with moms of boys, and dads of girls and moms of girls. Point taken, 100%. Parenting has to change as the child grows, yupperoni.

 

But that is not what he's saying, really, is it? He's saying that a 14yo needs a MAN to show him how to be a MAN. And a 14yo girl needs her mama to show her how to be a little lady, but she doesn't need to learn all that grown-up manly stuff.

 

No thanks.

[kalanamak]

I was talking to a psychiatrist today (he follows meds for DS) and he was saying that he firmly believes that boys over the age of ten need to be mainly parented by their fathers. Especially discipline, he said this needs to come from the father, as the father is the "alpha male" of the household, and boys will naturally stand up to their mothers, needing the alpha male to put them back in their place.

 

 

It is my deeply held hope I will have done as good a job as my folks and there is no need to "put them back in their place" after age 10, that kiddo is a developing adult and that while we may have some punishments, most "parenting" by that point is setting a good example.

 

This guy does not regularly see children whose parents aren't asking for help with them. He is also stuck in dog psychology. I am often amazed at the horse manure people bring from their personal life and generalize from it. Okay, my old vanpool-mate believed children only behaved because of terror of dad's wrath. Maybe that is how he behaved. It never occurred to me to be afraid of either of my parents. I "did my best" to make the old guy proud....not because I was afraid of him. Now, I don't generalize that to everyone else, but I sure as shooting won't agree that I'm "blind" to the reality that I was secretly terrified of him.

[Cheryl in NM]

While I agree that in the absence of a father the mother does a good job I believe that when Dad's around he should step up in the discipline department. Dad is the one who can best show son how to treat a wife and the mother of his children. Mom can instruct, but Dad can show. Young boys need to learn how to be men and it's just easier to see that example. I would venture to say that most women raising boys by themselves have some sort of male role model in their boys lives. Basically, women are made stronger by strong moms and men are made strong by strong dads. Mom is the best model for daughter as well. That's just the way it is. Of course, as with everything else in life, the ideal does not prevail.:) I mean no offense to those of you who don't have Dad around alot. Dh was raised by a single mom (well, more acurately, bounced back and forth) and he is a good man, but he wishes he would have had a strong male role model consistent in his life. He tries to be that for his boys, but sometimes it's a real struggle for him.

 

Basically, I agree with the doc.

[Ellie]

I think he's got a good point. I suspect that in his role of a psychiatrist, he sees lots of troubled young boys who would benefit enormously from having a more prominent father figure in their lives. I don't think he is saying that mothers aren't important; he's saying that overall, fathers don't play a large enough role, and I think he's right.

 

Yes, it is true that many fathers are not involved enough in their children's lives, but we've all heard the inspiring stories of the single mothers who reared mulitple children, including sons, who all went to college and whatnot. Clearly there is more to it than just the fathers being "involved."

[summer]

But the doctor was not talking just about role models. He was talking about discipline. As if the OP is expected to sit back and not discipline her son now that he is 10 and always just tell him his dad will deal with it. That is just plain wrong. It is true a good strong male figure is a very good thing and a great role model, but role model and discipline are 2 separate things. They do cross paths, but there is nothing wrong at all with a mother maintaining discipline of a boy 10 and over.

[Danestress]

Because this seems like one of those things that has a grain of truth but can be easily overstated.

 

Did he really mean that boys this age need their father's to be really involved in their lives and that mother who have been "gatekeepers" need to step back out of the negotiator of the father/son relationship? Or did he really mean that mothers need to step back out of their son's lives?

 

I'm thinking he might mean that he sees a lot of mothers who really need to take a few steps back from being the "parent who calls the shots even when you are alone with our son" (don't you know Moms who do that?) I doubt he really meant that Mom's shouldn't be parenting and disciplining in their full role as mothers. If he did, then yes, I think he's a nut case.

 

And while many Moms will say, "But it did great things in our family when DH took over" surely we all understand that every family has different dynamics. There are things Dads offer boys that mother's can't really give. And there are things Moms offer boys that Dad's can't really bring. And it seems insanely sad to me to minimize the role of either in our children's lives. We need families in which both parents are fully fully involved and concerned. Not families where parents step back just when their kids need them most!

[dragons in the flower bed]

. Especially discipline, he said this needs to come from the father, as the father is the "alpha male" of the household, and boys will naturally stand up to their mothers, needing the alpha male to put them back in their place.

 

:001_huh: I believe modern psychology advocates that the healthiest family structure is egalitarianism between parents and authoritative parenting coming from both. In other words, your family shouldn't have an alpha. You shouldn't be reinforcing to your child that someone in every group is the alpha and especially not that the way to get into your position as alpha or submissive is to challenge authority and be put back in your place. To work in any group, including a family, a teenager needs to learn conflict resolution and project management, and for dealing with authority in the real world, etiquette and good old-fashioned responsibility. The whole top dog thing is just irrelevant to that.

 

I would find a different psych, quickly, preferably one who specializes in human psychology. Young human beings are very different from dogs.

[Laura K (NC)]

It takes two parents all the way through.

 

I have three boys, all over 11. I know full well that they need strong male influences in their lives, but they also need their mama.

 

I have a very conservative Christian friend who once said that her husband is head of the house, but she is the head of the kitchen table. This is just a case in point: if you leave a bunch of boys to their DADS for etiquette skills at the table, you'll have a lot of teen boys thinking it's okay to drink directly from the milk jug, slurping their spaghetti, not knowing whether the fork goes on the right or the left, not realizing that veggies are important, and myriad other civilized things that men just don't generally think of. If there are exceptions to this generalization, then it's only because those exceptions had a prominent woman in their lives to show them.

 

I have seen and smelled my sons after a week of boy scout camp, where there is no female influence whatsoever. :blink: To say that boys don't need females after they are a certain age is supremely sexist, and I say that without any feminist leanings. It is saying, in effect, that a boy never needs a woman except as a lover, and reduces her unique abilities and skills to nothing.

 

As a mom of three boys (as I said) and no daughters, I'm not ready to move out yet. Parenting is always best done with BOTH parents, regardless of the changing, non-negligible, gender-specific needs of our children.

[Spy Car]

This father (who takes his parental responsibilities seriously) would be looking for a new doctor.

 

Bill

[Michelle T]

I think he's got a good point. I suspect that in his role of a psychiatrist, he sees lots of troubled young boys who would benefit enormously from having a more prominent father figure in their lives. I don't think he is saying that mothers aren't important; he's saying that overall, fathers don't play a large enough role, and I think he's right.

 

 

I'll say right out that I think this doctor is kind of weird, but I sort of like him. DS and I see him ONLY to follow DS's ADHD meds, and my anti anxiety meds. We are not receiving counseling, or therapeutic advice, or diagnosis or anything like that.

 

I forget how the topic came up, but I think I was saying something about DS has so much attitude these days.

 

The psych wasn't saying moms aren't important, or only dad can deliver discipline, or that moms were second best. He knows I homeschool, and has only had good things to say about that.

 

I think what he meant was that dads need to be more important as boys get older, and need to be right in a boys face when needed to insist on respect, discipline, and proper attitude. Oh, and he didn't think most dads these days provide a good example of adult male behavior for their sons, but try to be buddies or friends.

 

He's not a Christian doctor or counselor. At least, not that I know of.

 

Anyway, very interesting to read all the replies! I'm not sure if I agree with him, or think he's nuts.

Michelle T

[E_Edgerton]

I think if a child is lucky enough to have both present, both parents should be involved completely.

[Jenny in Florida]

Hahahahahaha, hohohohohohohoho! :lol::lol: Ha! Uh... yeah, whatever.

 

If he doesn't think a grown woman can be enough of an alpha for a ten y/o boy, he just needs to come meet me.

 

*snort!*

 

 

Yep, I'm with Pam.

 

I firmly believe that, in an ideal world, a child of either gender would have strong and warm relationships with both parents. They have things to learn from both sides, and I consider one facet of nurturing my relationship with my son to be helping him learn how to interact with women. My husband, for example, was always closer to his mother than his father, and it was nothing but great for him.

 

There's also been a lot of research about the other side of this issue showing that the girls who come through the teen years in the healthiest possible way are the ones who have strong relationships with fathers who are very involved in their lives.

 

Finally, the truth is that some people are just plain better at parenting than others. And, in our family the rule is that the person who is better at a specific task or has more time to do it or more interest in doing it takes the lead. Around here, that happens to be me when it comes to hands-on parenting. My husband is involved, and we work hard to present a united front, but the nuts and bolts of it are my responsibility, for both kids.

[Ottakee]

I would tend to agree with this doctor.

 

I know that here, ds has found out that dh WILL hold him accountable for his behavior, esp. his behavior towards mom. Boys need other men to teach them how to be men.

 

If he is a good psychiatrist, I would NOT fire him at all. I am sure you know just how difficult it is to find a good pdoc, esp. one for kids.

 

I bet that there would be far fewer problems in today's culture if dads would do just like he mentions and be right there, teaching the boys to be men and protecting the girls.

 

 

I think what he meant was that dads need to be more important as boys get older, and need to be right in a boys face when needed to insist on respect, discipline, and proper attitude. Oh, and he didn't think most dads these days provide a good example of adult male behavior for their sons, but try to be buddies or friends.

[Maria from IN]

I can see his point about a father needing to step up a little more and be a more manly influence in a boy's life, but saying that mothers need to step back and let the fathers do all the disciplining sounds to me like a perfect way to teach little boys to walk all over women.

 

The operative word here is "psychiatrist." Most of the psychiatrists I have worked with (and that is a somewhat limited number, mind you) have prescribed meds and left it up to the psychologists and counselors to sort out the behavior modification and coping strategies and communication skills that have to be implemented with their patients. They see their patients for a few minutes, adjust meds if necessary, and not see them again for several weeks.

 

Granted, that's just the way it goes where I work...:001_smile:

[Jugglin'5]

I think there is a grain of truth in what he is saying. My friends and I have a name for that period, particularly around puberty where many boys start pushing against authority in the home. We call it the "rooster period". Sometimes dads need to reestablish who the head rooster is, so that mom gets respected.

[Kay in Cal]

I think fathers should play a strong, integral role in the lives of their sons AND daughters right from the start. I don't like the idea of dad "stepping in to play a stronger role" after their son is 10. He should be there all along. :001_smile:

 

I totally agree! I think that optimally both parents should be fully involved. I have no plans to step back when my sons reach 10, and since my dh has been a SAHD since our kids were born, he doesn't need to step up.

[Mom to Aly]

Was he a vet or a human shrink? I think he must be an animal shrink--someone mislead you.

 

And what about single moms? Should they drop their 10 yo boys off at a neighbors and say, "He misbehaved, send him home when he's doing better, in a year or two?". Wonder how that would go.

 

I agree with the nut opinion.

[Rosie_0801]

Are we intentionally attempting to reverse 75 years of women moving forward by treating our lives gender specific?

 

No, I think it's supposed to be an antidote to all those men who don't want to, don't know how to and don't bother to find out how to parent. It's not about weakening the mother. It's about strengthening the father. This is an issue in many families, if not yours. My hubby has the best of intentions, but there are times when he'd forget to parent if I didn't remind him. Women can be strong parents without being domineering. They can leave the boys to Dad without becoming weak too. Kids are a lot of work, why not let Dad do a bit more!! From experience, the best of mothers can't be a father. So, I'm agreeing with the psych in theory, but not in his clumsy description. The "alpha male" thing is a bit of a croc. I think I've benefitted a great deal by reading Steve Biddulph's books. He's pretty popular over here.

My version of feminism sees a vision of boys growing up to be as tough as women ;)

Rosie

[Christine]

I was talking to a psychiatrist today (he follows meds for DS) and he was saying that he firmly believes that boys over the age of ten need to be mainly parented by their fathers.

 

Well, 3 years ago, I would have said that doc was full of bunc.

 

Today. . .

 

"Mainly parented" ----nooooo, I wouldn't go that far, but "Manly parented", yes, I would say there is something to that. And I would say that the latter would apply to both sons and daughters but requiring different "versions" of it from the Dad.

 

I notice a major difference in attitude from eldest DS when DH is away (deployed, TDY or what have you), regardless of the fact that I'm the "main" parent at all times. (This difference didn't start occurring till about age 14 / 15.) Sometimes it's a "good" thing (gentlemanly behavior) and sometimes not so good (obstinate, defiant, etc.). Having DH around creates a greater "balance" in this child.

 

And that whole "alpha" thing? Egads. . . Well, there's a bit to that as well.

 

For example, I would say in regards to house and home and family, I am the commander general (being a military family, like the term). Yet, (and this is the big one), I don't believe my children (all males) see it that way.

I honestly don't know why this would be except for probably a maturity thing, but they seem to "assume" that Dad is the leader and Mom follows.

 

I'm probably not making a lot of sense. . .

[Twinmom]

"Mainly parented" ----nooooo, I wouldn't go that far, but "Manly parented", yes, I would say there is something to that. And I would say that the latter would apply to both sons and daughters but requiring different "versions" of it from the Dad.

 

I disagree with the psychiatrist...what a joke! :glare:...but I do agree with this comment! I have four boys (one grown and gone from my siggy), and they DO respond very differently to DH's manly parenting style and they need that leadership. That does NOT, however, take away from the need for them to have ME as a strong, female leader as well. They need both. There are times that DH will step in and demand that they respect me as their mother and his wife...but that doesn't undermine me, and I manage just fine without that. It is, however, a nice help and a way for them to see how a man should treat a woman. I sure do appreciate the backup as well! Makes me feel supported. Truth be told, however, I'm with them all day and do most of the actual volume of parenting. We do just fine, thanks!

 

When my DSS was 13, we took custody of him (with full cooperation from his mom) so he could be parented more by his dad. We did it because he was going astray due to a lack of leadership on her part. We DIDN'T do it because he needed to be parented more by his dad, but rather because he WASN'T being parented by his mom. Kids need strong leadership by both parents, all the time. Dads do need to teach their sons how to be men, but that doesn't supplant Mom's role...just supplements it.

[Plaid Dad]

I haven't read all the responses, but I'm wondering if the doc has been reading too much Douglas Wilson. While I agree that boys benefit from strong bonds with their fathers and older male mentors, this isn't ancient Sparta. I would be looking for another doctor.

[LisaNY]

I haven't read all the responses, but I'm wondering if the doc has been reading too much Douglas Wilson. While I agree that boys benefit from strong bonds with their fathers and older male mentors, this isn't ancient Sparta. I would be looking for another doctor.

 

Ancient Sparta! HA! :lol:

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Then you haven't met my boys. :-)

 

Really, dh is not, and has never been, an "alpha male."

 

Our boys are polite, sensitive, and well behaved, for the most part, just like their dad. But he didn't do a whole lot of disciplining or intentional parenting. He led by example and by just being "Dad." I'm the one that has had to do most of the hands on stuff.

[Renee in NC]

That's what has worked in our family so far.

 

I am not "out of the picture" but dh does become the dominant parent for the boys at about that age. He's the one who does Boy Scouts, drives to all the sporting events, etc. The boys tend to go places with him more and he puts them to work with him. It isn't about me being lesser than or anything else, but I have found that dh can handle them better the older they get.

 

Should I be ashamed? Am I raising my boys to be neandrathal men because I want them around men more than women in the teen years?:lol:

[Chris in VA]

I'm not sure how I feel about the issue, but I will contribute by saying ds16's martial arts instructor once said he sees a lot of 11-13 yo boys who begin disrespecting their moms, and he felt a male role model was a good thing. Not anything against women (although it felt that way) but more about young boys respecting male authority more readily.

I've found it useful for dh to remind my sons to respect me. The buck stops with both of us, but he is my back-up, and I am his. He has pulled my sons into his office several times, and told them how important it is for them to respect "his wife," namely me. Both know it, one does it consistently, and one is learning to do it better. And I am learning to require it.

 

I know it's extremely important for a dad to maintain a relationship with his son. If distance or work or other family circumstances preclude that, I think it would be good for a young boy to have another guy in his life. I think boys relate differently to guys.

[Joanne]

I don't know about that. I think fathers should play a strong, integral role in the lives of their sons AND daughters right from the start. I don't like the idea of dad "stepping in to play a stronger role" after their son is 10. He should be there all along. :001_smile:

 

I *do* think that a boy should be spending lots of quality time with their dads doing "guy stuff", to affirm them as men. However, I ALSO think girls should be spending time with their dads to affirm them as well.

 

What the dr. is suggesting feels a bit artificial and contrived to me. There should be a natural flow to the relationships in a family. Not a "Alright, it's time for dad to raise you now" kind of situation.

 

 

After some discussions of disagreement, it gives me great joy to say "I completely agree with LisaNY"! :D:iagree:;)

 

I don't "agree" with the Dr. in the OP, but I do see in boys after age 9 an emerging need to learn how to be a man (and I admit to having fairly strong and entrenched gender scripting preferences. Egalitarian I am not). While I don't think that continued discipline, nurture, admonition, and attachment to Mom compromises a boy becoming a man, I do think there comes a time when boys are meant to spend more time learning manly skills and character traits. This can be best accomplished by a healthy Dad.

 

I've said before in related topics that Norm Wakefield has some good material on this stage.

[LauraGB]

 

The psych wasn't saying moms aren't important, or only dad can deliver discipline, or that moms were second best. He knows I homeschool, and has only had good things to say about that.

 

I think what he meant was that dads need to be more important as boys get older, and need to be right in a boys face when needed to insist on respect, discipline, and proper attitude. Oh, and he didn't think most dads these days provide a good example of adult male behavior for their sons, but try to be buddies or friends.

 

 

 

I agree and disagree with this. I agree because it makes sense, but only if the dad is doing this from the beginning - I don't understand how entering the adolescent years has anything to do w/"fathering" a boy.

 

I disagree because, truthfully, I would like my son to learn to understand women from women. Generally (not all, but generally), men learn about women from other men. That leaves a substantial amount of room for the information to be "garbled", to say the least. While I don't expect my son to "relate to" women, I do intend to help him "understand" women, and this understanding to lead, hopefully, to respect. That's one of the biggest reasons I disagree with letting the father (again, in many, but not all, cases) take the "major" roll in rearing, especially during the adolescent years.

 

There are many traits of my dh (no bashing, I love him or I wouldn't be here 15 years into this thing) that I do not want to see my ds to carry into his adulthood. To turn the reigns over to dh during the pivotal teen age years would be, well, not a very comforting choice. Dh learned about things not from his mother or his father, but from his brothers (no sisters). He is...a work in progress ;).

 

I agree with the equal share of discipline and rearing, but both parents need to be able to practice what they preach or it won't work.

 

Just my 2 cents.