Realistic expectations or mean mom

[jenn-]

Today was my DD's first competition of the season for gymnastics. Going into the meet I told her straight up not to be disappointed in her scores on vault, floor, and beam. She is totally missing an element to floor and beam (which on beam results in a guaranteed fall) and her vault sucks (bent knees and piked position). I make sure she goes into the meets with realistic expectations. I have seen many of girls have a break down on after an event and receiving a poor score and it can really effect the rest of their meet. Maybe those girls normally don't mess up on those things in practice, but my DD has NEVER hit the missing elements so I would have fallen off the bleachers if she suddenly made one at the meet.

 

That said, I am pretty sure the some of the moms on the squad think I am being mean to my DD by telling her things like, don't expect too much on those events. She actually surprised me on floor and came in 5th (thank goodness she decided that the 2 backhand springs she has had for 18 months wasn't too scary today after a month of screwing the up), so she was totally excited about the award when they called her name. I kind of viewed it like those countries at the Olympics that are just thrilled to make it to the quarterfinals or finals whether they place on the podium or not vs those athletes who have been told they are the best and will win and then get upset because they came in second. She also knew her best event was bars and that she needed to stay focused when she got there even if she had bad scores before and it paid off with a first place finish on "her" event.

 

In my defense, before a meet I always make sure she knows that we are absolutely proud of her no matter what happens during the competition. She can go out and fall on her butt and forget her entire routine and we still love her.

 

So am I a mean mom like the other ladies think, or am I setting my child up for a realistic outcome?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Isn't that the coach's job, to evaluate her and let her know realistically how she's doing? Why not just let the coach be the coach and you be the mom who is sure she can fly to the moon if she just tries?

 

I don't think you are mean. Obviously you are trying to prevent your daughter from having her heartbroken because you love her. But if this is a JAWM post, I'm afraid I don't. If Mom's not your #1 fan, that's hard.

[Mama Geek]

I don't think you are mean, I think it is good to be realistic with our kids.

[elfgivas]

fwiw, the day of a performance/event/meet we offer encouragement, along the lines of "you've practiced hard. how are you feeling? great. remember to smile. we'll be cheering for you!"

 

prior to that, as in weeks prior, we set up realistic goals. all four knew/know where they are in the team pecking order.

 

and if they ask if we think they'll get first, we answer honestly, "yes, i think you have a good chance. it will depend on what the judges are looking for." or, "i think fred is likely to get first, don't you? but you should be in the running there somewhere". or, "well, what do you think? honestly? how about fred? george? jack? i think its your first competition, and i think you'll do well. i think you'll do even better for your second competition. go out there and do your best and then whatever happens, you know you gave it your best. you've practiced hard. remember to smile. we'll be cheering for you!"

 

etc.

the day of, we are only positive about the positive things they have going for them. we don't ever discuss placing unless/until they mention it.

 

fwiw,

ann

[Impish]

I believe the job of Mom is to support unconditionally, and to be their biggest cheerleader, to bring up their confidence.

 

So, no, I wouldn't do what you did.

 

Coaches are there for constructive criticism. A kid doesn't need that from a parent too, imo. Esp right before competing.

[elfgivas]

Isn't that the coach's job, to evaluate her and let her know realistically how she's doing? Why not just let the coach be the coach and you be the mom who is sure she can fly to the moon if she just tries?

 

I don't think you are mean. Obviously you are trying to prevent your daughter from having her heartbroken because you love her. But if this is a JAWM post, I'm afraid I don't. If Mom's not your #1 fan, that's hard.

 

i think its possible to be their number one fan without thinking they're going to finish number one, or leading them to think they will too. we try to focus hard on personal bests, rather than on ranking.....

 

fwiw,

ann

[Dory]

I have always been the mom that pushes my kids like crazy, is sure they can can fly to the moon if they try hard enough, and will cheer them on like crazy. When they are practicing I will encourage but will be honest on their short comings, that is the time when I'll be really honest about their weaknesses, but when it comes to competition time, I want to build them up, make them believe in themselves, not tie them to the ground. If they don't do well, I just tell them that they'll have to practice more and maybe they'll do better next time. I feel that a child falling apart over not doing well has less to do with being unrealistic and more to do with them not having been taught how to be a good loser. My two oldest always go into things with high hopes, but have learned how to take a deep breath and congratulate someone else if they don't do well. My youngest is still a sore loser, we're working on that. Not by taking away the dreaming, but by teaching him to take the losses as a chance to learn and someone elses chance to shine.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

i think its possible to be their number one fan without thinking they're going to finish number one, or leading them to think they will too. we try to focus hard on personal bests, rather than on ranking.....

 

fwiw,

ann

 

Well, yeah, but that's different from saying, "Now, you know you won't stick that landing. You can't do it, so just remember that and don't be disappointed when you miss it. And don't expect to do well on the vault, either. Go get 'em, Tiger!"

 

OP, I apologize if that's not what you meant. That's what I understood from your original post.

[Hikin' Mama]

I don't think you are mean, I think it is good to be realistic with our kids.

 

What she said.

[Guest submarines]

i think its possible to be their number one fan without thinking they're going to finish number one, or leading them to think they will too. we try to focus hard on personal bests, rather than on ranking.....

 

fwiw,

ann

 

:iagree: Not only realistic expectations are important, but they also make sure the child understands that the parent understands their level--parents can have unrealistic expectations too. Maybe the girls who collapse after not getting the highest scores are so upset because they feel they disappointed their parents.

[Mom22ns]

I'm in the camp with you be the cheerleader, let the coach set expectations. The day of the meet is not the time to crush hopes. Realistic conversations about where her skills are should take place along the way, not right before a meet. Why is she competing level 5 if she doesn't have all the skills? That would never happen in our gym, although we don't compete this time of year either.

 

Our pre-meet conversations are more like, do your best and have fun! I can't wait to see how you've progressed! We don't discuss possible scores or places unless maybe it is state or later where we know what she has and how it has been judged all season and are hoping...

[LMA]

Today was my DD's first competition of the season for gymnastics. Going into the meet I told her straight up not to be disappointed in her scores on vault, floor, and beam. She is totally missing an element to floor and beam (which on beam results in a guaranteed fall) and her vault sucks (bent knees and piked position). I make sure she goes into the meets with realistic expectations. I have seen many of girls have a break down on after an event and receiving a poor score and it can really effect the rest of their meet. Maybe those girls normally don't mess up on those things in practice, but my DD has NEVER hit the missing elements so I would have fallen off the bleachers if she suddenly made one at the meet.

 

That said, I am pretty sure the some of the moms on the squad think I am being mean to my DD by telling her things like, don't expect too much on those events. She actually surprised me on floor and came in 5th (thank goodness she decided that the 2 backhand springs she has had for 18 months wasn't too scary today after a month of screwing the up), so she was totally excited about the award when they called her name. I kind of viewed it like those countries at the Olympics that are just thrilled to make it to the quarterfinals or finals whether they place on the podium or not vs those athletes who have been told they are the best and will win and then get upset because they came in second. She also knew her best event was bars and that she needed to stay focused when she got there even if she had bad scores before and it paid off with a first place finish on "her" event.

 

In my defense, before a meet I always make sure she knows that we are absolutely proud of her no matter what happens during the competition. She can go out and fall on her butt and forget her entire routine and we still love her.

 

So am I a mean mom like the other ladies think, or am I setting my child up for a realistic outcome?

 

I wouldn't approach it in this manner. We tell our kids to try their best before any event. I wouldn't point out deficiencies or even mention anything about the events (a little too realistic) and I mean this in the nicest way. Your intentions may not be "mean" but they may come across that way, KWIM?

[Carrie12345]

I like to be realistic.

Personally, I think it's cruel to tell kids they're awesome at something in which they really stink, knowing official evaluators will be truthful in the end. And I want my kids to trust my judgment rather than think "Well, Mom has no clue what she's talking about!"

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, *I* agree with you.

 

First, I think people are setting their kids up by saying "you're the best" all the time. Fact is, they often aren't. They are great. Their parents love them. Their parents are their number one fan. But you have to practice hard, do your best, and be realistic, imo.

 

Second, I think that the unrealistic expectations do cause a lot of upset.

 

And third, I think children should be encouraged to compete MOSTLY against themselves. "You made a 7.700 last meet. This time you made a 8.950! Great job! You did better!" It should be about getting better, which *may,* at some point, include being #1, rather than about beating everyone else.

 

But I do believe in being realistic. I do like the idea of keeping things all positive (not unrealistic!) the day of the meet while being more forward about it in the weeks leading up.

Edited August 27, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[mom2scouts]

I'm all for realistic expectations, but you shouldn't be bringing that up right before a meet. Going into competition, an athlete needs to think positive thoughts. Just encourage her to do her best and not worry about the scores.

[catz]

This depends for me. Sometimes my kids are a little OVER confident going into some things (especially my oldest). And if they are, I do try to reign them in a little before they go into it. LIke my son does theater auditions, and some are really a little out of his league at this point. So I might say you're totally ready, have a great time, and let's not worry about the outcome. I wouldn't say something like "whoa - your singing voice is not in a league with the other kids here". I like framing things as a "personal best".

 

When my kids seem to have a healthy frame of mind going into something, then I don't feel the need to temper their expectations. If my kids are nervous or under confident, I will encourage them. But I wouldn't talk them up so much that they think I have expectations about a particular outcome.

[Impish]

I'm not one to tell my kid that they're the specialist snowflake ever.

 

*However*, right befor a competition is not the time to be pointing out their flaws, and announcing to them that they're not going to succeed. You can be supportive and encouraging w/out pointing out big flaws, esp right before they compete. You don't have to tell them they're perfection on 2 feet in order to be supportive and encouraging.

[Mandamom]

Today was my DD's first competition of the season for gymnastics. Going into the meet I told her straight up not to be disappointed in her scores on vault, floor, and beam. She is totally missing an element to floor and beam (which on beam results in a guaranteed fall) and her vault sucks (bent knees and piked position). I make sure she goes into the meets with realistic expectations. I have seen many of girls have a break down on after an event and receiving a poor score and it can really effect the rest of their meet. Maybe those girls normally don't mess up on those things in practice, but my DD has NEVER hit the missing elements so I would have fallen off the bleachers if she suddenly made one at the meet.

 

That said, I am pretty sure the some of the moms on the squad think I am being mean to my DD by telling her things like, don't expect too much on those events. She actually surprised me on floor and came in 5th (thank goodness she decided that the 2 backhand springs she has had for 18 months wasn't too scary today after a month of screwing the up), so she was totally excited about the award when they called her name. I kind of viewed it like those countries at the Olympics that are just thrilled to make it to the quarterfinals or finals whether they place on the podium or not vs those athletes who have been told they are the best and will win and then get upset because they came in second. She also knew her best event was bars and that she needed to stay focused when she got there even if she had bad scores before and it paid off with a first place finish on "her" event.

 

In my defense, before a meet I always make sure she knows that we are absolutely proud of her no matter what happens during the competition. She can go out and fall on her butt and forget her entire routine and we still love her.

 

So am I a mean mom like the other ladies think, or am I setting my child up for a realistic outcome?

 

I don't think you are a mean mom but I don't make the same choice as you. My daughter, though, doesn't get upset about scores nor does she get too excited (even if it is above a 9.5). She accepts the score, whether good or bad, and works on that skill in practice until she gets it.

 

Our coaches do a great job telling her what to expect. They are judged at practice especially before meets. The girls know what what they are expected to get. Sometimes they do better, sometimes they have a fall and do worse.

 

I just think that since I pay enough money the coaches can handle the scores.

[klmama]

I don't think you were mean at all. If she doesn't have the skills in practice, she needs to know not to expect a high score in competition. If her coaches don't tell her that, you need to. I can see why others might interpret that as being mean, but I wouldn't see it that way, nor would my dc.

[Mergath]

I'm not one to tell my kid that they're the specialist snowflake ever.

 

*However*, right befor a competition is not the time to be pointing out their flaws, and announcing to them that they're not going to succeed. You can be supportive and encouraging w/out pointing out big flaws, esp right before they compete. You don't have to tell them they're perfection on 2 feet in order to be supportive and encouraging.

 

 

:iagree: If I had a parent who sat there before an event telling me that kind of stuff, I probably wouldn't make much of an effort. I think it's better for a parent's expectations to be set too high than too low.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Mergath

[IsabelC]

I think there's a fine line between discouraging her with too much negativity and helping her to manage her expectations. (Or you could say it the other way: there's a fine line between being encouraging and giving meaningless praise to the point where she'll think something is badly wrong if she doesn't win.) Most parents seem to have a good idea of what is most helpful for their own kids, but if you're unsure, you could start by asking her "How are you feeling about this meet?" and then gauge from her answer what would be best for her to hear.

 

NB to clarify about praise and the idea that mom should be a child's number 1 fan - I think it depends on exactly what you're saying. I wouldn't tell my child she's the best gymnast (even if she were) but I can tell her she's "my favoritest elder daughter in the whole world" or I might comment on something specific, eg "I can see you have been working hard on the beam."

[Unicorn.]

Well, *I* agree with you.

 

First, I think people are setting their kids up by saying "you're the best" all the time. Fact is, they often aren't. They are great. Their parents love them. Their parents are their number one fan. But you have to practice hard, do your best, and be realistic, imo.

 

Second, I think that the unrealistic expectations do cause a lot of upset.

 

And third, I think children should be encouraged to compete MOSTLY against themselves. "You made a 7.700 last meet. This time you made a 8.950! Great job! You did better!" It should be about getting better, which *may,* at some point, include being #1, rather than about beating everyone else.

 

But I do believe in being realistic. I do like the idea of keeping things all positive (not unrealistic!) the day of the meet while being more forward about it in the weeks leading up.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Our swim team philosophy is to better yourself, and not worry about the competition. Telling your kid that they are the best and they are gonna win, ends up turning into a "Mom lied, she told me I would win" kind of situation. You do your child a favore when you are realistic. You can be positive about it. Just tell them to go do their best, and be proud of their results!

[StephanieZ]

The 48 hours before a major event, I think the parent's job is to be encouraging and supportive, and to make sure the child is well rested and nourished (emotionally as well as physically).

 

I think it is unhelpful to remind the child of her weaknesses in the hours/days leading up to the event. S/he should already be aware of these weaknesses, and reminders are likely to be stressful, not confidence building.

 

In the months/weeks leading up to an event, I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to feel out the kid's expectations and to gently correct them if they have unrealistic expectations.

 

For an actual event, the best approach, IME, is to simply be a cheerleader, remind them they've done the work already, tell them that you are excited to watch them perform, and tell them to HAVE FUN. I will also sometimes throw in a reminder to smile, breathe, have fun or something like that while they are literally walking to the stage. Then, my job is to SMILE BIG in the audience, HUG HARD after they are done, and BUY ICECREAM!

 

:)

[jenn-]

I'm in the camp with you be the cheerleader, let the coach set expectations. The day of the meet is not the time to crush hopes. Realistic conversations about where her skills are should take place along the way, not right before a meet. Why is she competing level 5 if she doesn't have all the skills? That would never happen in our gym, although we don't compete this time of year either.

 

The coaches here move up girls they are pretty sure will be ready for the next level. Then they practice for 8 months before their first meet. Most of the time they are right and in my DD's case, they will be right, she just needs a bit more time for the stubborn muscle between her ears to catch up with her body. The skill of floor she was oh so close to having back in January until she got injured on it (strained muscle). Now she rolls it.

 

Well, *I* agree with you.

 

First, I think people are setting their kids up by saying "you're the best" all the time. Fact is, they often aren't. They are great. Their parents love them. Their parents are their number one fan. But you have to practice hard, do your best, and be realistic, imo.

 

Second, I think that the unrealistic expectations do cause a lot of upset.

 

And third, I think children should be encouraged to compete MOSTLY against themselves. "You made a 7.700 last meet. This time you made a 8.950! Great job! You did better!" It should be about getting better, which *may,* at some point, include being #1, rather than about beating everyone else.

 

But I do believe in being realistic. I do like the idea of keeping things all positive (not unrealistic!) the day of the meet while being more forward about it in the weeks leading up.

 

The bolded is definitely how we handle it. Unfortunately that isn't as easy when she is starting a new level. Although we do always tease that it will never be as bad as one competition's beam routine.

 

I do spend all the day of a meet doing my best to remind her we are so proud her for even stepping out on the floor. I did point out getting over the mental block of that double backhand spring would really help her floor score, but that was it this morning.

 

As much as I would love to say I love our coaches, but my DD honestly came away from practice this week thinking her vault was looking pretty good based on her coach's comments. She came in dead last. :glare: They were working on the building the girls up before a meet part of coaching. Reality was, she was still bending her knees and piking just as bad as she has for months.

[mytwomonkeys]

hmm. that's tough. if she is doing her best, then she should feel accomplished in that in and of itself. that's the angle i take anyway with my kids. but truth be told, we aren't a competitive family. in your shoes, i would ask your daughter what she hears from you. that's all that matters anyway.

[Cera]

I don't think it's mean at all. You know your kid and you know what she needs to hear. I have one that would absolutely need to be reminded that she will probably not do well and shouldn't let it get her down. My other would probably not even realize she was being scored and wouldn't need the reminder.

[jenn-]

 

For an actual event, the best approach, IME, is to simply be a cheerleader, remind them they've done the work already, tell them that you are excited to watch them perform, and tell them to HAVE FUN. I will also sometimes throw in a reminder to smile, breathe, have fun or something like that while they are literally walking to the stage. Then, my job is to SMILE BIG in the audience, HUG HARD after they are done, and BUY ICECREAM!

 

:)

 

Definitely a loud cheerleader from the stands much to the dismay of my preteen daughter. Been known to cry in the stands out of excitement for getting something that wasn't expected (level 4 beam dismount, the first time she got her single backhand spring in a meet, that stupid shoot through on the bars that was the bane of her existence for 2 years of 4).

[Mommy22alyns]

:bigear: I'm trying to figure out how to walk the line myself. Rebecca's meets will start in October!

[Mommyfaithe]

I'm in the camp with you be the cheerleader, let the coach set expectations. The day of the meet is not the time to crush hopes. Realistic conversations about where her skills are should take place along the way, not right before a meet. Why is she competing level 5 if she doesn't have all the skills? That would never happen in our gym, although we don't compete this time of year either.

 

Our pre-meet conversations are more like, do your best and have fun! I can't wait to see how you've progressed! We don't discuss possible scores or places unless maybe it is state or later where we know what she has and how it has been judged all season and are hoping...

 

This. When my kids were competitive swimmers, it was coach's job to critique, my job to cheer, congratulate, pat on the back, share a Hershey bar, and consulate them if they messed up. At practices I would watch, critique if I had to on the way home, share tips....but NEVER at a competition. The kids are already under enough stress....and competition should also be fun.

[msjones]

Have you asked her how she feels about it? She's old enough to tell you if you're getting her down before a meet or if you're being helpful.

 

I'd ask her what she thinks is supportive and encouraging.

[besroma]

fwiw, the day of a performance/event/meet we offer encouragement, along the lines of "you've practiced hard. how are you feeling? great. remember to smile. we'll be cheering for you!"

 

prior to that, as in weeks prior, we set up realistic goals. all four knew/know where they are in the team pecking order.

 

and if they ask if we think they'll get first, we answer honestly, "yes, i think you have a good chance. it will depend on what the judges are looking for." or, "i think fred is likely to get first, don't you? but you should be in the running there somewhere". or, "well, what do you think? honestly? how about fred? george? jack? i think its your first competition, and i think you'll do well. i think you'll do even better for your second competition. go out there and do your best and then whatever happens, you know you gave it your best. you've practiced hard. remember to smile. we'll be cheering for you!"

 

etc.

the day of, we are only positive about the positive things they have going for them. we don't ever discuss placing unless/until they mention it.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

I think this is a good approach. I do not think you were being mean, though.

[Caitilin]

i think its possible to be their number one fan without thinking they're going to finish number one, or leading them to think they will too. we try to focus hard on personal bests, rather than on ranking.....

 

fwiw,

ann

:iagree: This is my approach too.

[nd293]

I agree with your approach. We can support our children and still make sure they have a realistic understanding of their skill level. Our job is to prepare kids for life, and it seems to me that's what you're doing.

 

And I'm glad your dd was happy with her results!

[tammieb]

"Train up a child in the way they SHOULD go....."

 

Which "way" do you want your daughter to go --- doing things correctly and appearing to be a mean mom or just constantly giving her "false" hopes??

 

Guess I'm a "mean mom," too :lol:

 

If she has the desire to compete, she has the desire to get better. Deep down, she doesn't want flattery. She wants to know where her flaws are and what areas she can improve on.

 

We can and should always "speak the truth in love."

 

If 5th place is her BEST done RIGHT, then WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!

[Joyofsixreboot]

I'm a " mean" mom too I guess. I believe in discussing reality and dealing. We talk constantly here about ' personal best' and try to downplay both sport and academic prizes. Just our take though of course we celebrate if the kids win something and express our pride for effort. We've come to this because theater, sports, speech and dance have all proven to be fickle at times.

[Katy]

I think it was a little bit mean. I would have been hurt and angry.

 

I would, way before a meet, make sure the child understands how competition scores are given (IE: perfection vs. skill), and make sure they understand it's going to take lots of practice to get perfect at difficult skills.

 

I would also have a discussion about sportsmanship and how we behave at competition.

[NCMom]

So am I a mean mom like the other ladies think, or am I setting my child up for a realistic outcome?

 

Not mean, but not needed either.

 

As a mom of a competitive athlete I would not do this because the bottom line is that you do NOT know the outcome of any single event/competition. By saying things like that you may be limiting her performance at the meet in ways you cannot imagine. Plus, if our coaches heard you do this they would tell you to knock it off. Backseat coaching is a huge no-no. ;)

 

The coach gets to discuss the bottom line of the child's performance. I just tell mine to do their best and have fun. Anyway most kids already know how they stack up against the competition and are remarkably realistic (excluding the special snowflake or two, lol).

 

And congrats on the great performance!

Georgia

[speedmom4]

IMHO, it is wise for you to be realistic with your dd. I wouldn't want my child to think he/she would do well when I know they won't.

 

But, what I find odd is that your coach would even have your daughter compete when she doesn't have some of the skills for an event. My son is a competitive gymnast and our coach has NO problem telling a boy that he won't compete for a season if he needs to improve his skills. Also our coach will have boys repeat levels so they can be successful. The philosophy our coach has is that it hurts the gymnast's morale not to do well at meets. He also believes that it is the reputation of his gym on the line. Not every gymnast at our gym wins events but many of them finish top 10 or much better on events and overall.

 

Hope your dd's season goes well! I don't think you're being a mean mom. It seems to me that you don't want your daughter to be too disappointed.

 

God BLess,

Elise in NC

[Wheres Toto]

I would expect the coach to be giving the athletes a realistic idea of their abilities and how they are likely to do.

 

As mom, I would offer encouragement, cheering, and emphasize having fun and enjoying themselves over scoring. (my oldest was a competitive dancer for years).

[NotSoObvious]

I'm a mean mom. I'm realistic with my kids. I always remind them that it's OK if they don't win, but I wouldn't go as far as telling them why I don't think they won't win. I think there is a difference and as long as you are preparing her to accept defeat gracefully, rather than making her feel like she CAN'T do it, it's fine.

You'll have to figure out where the difference lies (lays?).

[littlebug42]

My daughters don't do gymnastics but they do have their hearts set on being actors. They audition for a lot of things and I absolutely have to be realistic with them. I have been there and I know that to do well, you have to be realistic and know your weaknesses. For instance, if I know ahead of time that a certain role depends on great dance skills, I let my daughter know that because her dance skills are not great. As a result, I think she has a pretty healthy outlook on auditions. There are many others around her to tell her how great she is, but they don't have to hold the sobbing child when her expectations overshadow her capability.

[Dobela]

My son is an active competitor in another sport. Before his last competition, I told him I was proud of him, that I knew he could do his personal best - if he kept his focus- and to not pay attention to the scores and drama of the other competitors. Sometimes I do remind him of the correct body form that he needs, like over breakfast, but then not again unless he asks. While he is bowling I cheer like crazy, let him know when he makes a mistake that he can overcome it, and keep that crazy mom smile on.

[busymotherof4]

I would be careful what you say before a meet. Last season my son had only done a kip once in his life before the meet season started. He made his kip during every meet. This gave him the confidence to start making them during practice. You never know when this will be the moment that they get that missing skill.

[SwallowTail]

I think it is wise to help her manage her expectations and to coach her as to sportsman like conduct in the event of a poor outcome. However, your verbiage in discussing her skill andperformance (i.e. her vault "sucks" and she "screwed up") are laden with negative emotion.

 

I imagine that comes out in your interactions with her, and that this is what the other mothers are responding to if/when they give the impression of thinking you are being mean.

 

I agree that distancing yourself a bit, and becoming less invested in her performance yourself, and allowing the coach to handle things more might be in both of your best interest.

[Barbara H]

Even if someone tells you not to be disappointed it is still something you can feel. My dishwasher is broken today and I'm every bit as disappointed by it not being fixable for $20 as I would be if my mom told me ahead of time not to be.

 

My approach is to make it a broader conversation about self expectations and coping appropriately with winning and losing. So, it is more about making a plan for how you handle it emotionally and socially - if you win or lose. I would not tie that conversation to any assessment about her performance or her chances of winning.

 

Also, I'm all for encouraging kids to set smaller and more manageable ways to define success that are independent just of winning or losing. Kids who can become accurate self judges of their own performance - both giving themselves credit for what they are improving and noticing what they still need to work on, tend to be more capable of persisting. So if she can start asking herself questions like - what has she most improved since the last meet, what does she think she wants to improve most by the next meet - those will help her move her thinking in positive directions.

[Danestress]

competitive sports can be sort of stressful, and I think sometimes when I am feeling the stress - fear that my child will be disappointed, for example - I say more than I should. I really do stress out sometimes about my children having to suffer - losing matches they should win, getting frustrated or disappointed, showing negativity.

 

I do sometimes mention the type of behavior I expect. I expect my children to congratulate the other competitors and to smile despite how they feel. They can cry later in the car.

 

But anyway, I think sometimes I want to prep them for disappointing results so that they won't be horribly upset, but I do think that is a mistake and, in my case, it usually reflects my own anxieties. If your daughter is being properly coached, she should already have a realistic assessment of her own abilities and should be out there trying to score HER best. Hopefully her coaches have this covered, and you will be able to just sit back and enjoy watching.

 

But Mom to Mom, sometimes I know watching is hard and staying out of stuff is hard too!

[Danestress]

Sometimes it works for me to ask my child what HIS goal is for the event. My swimmer usually knew what his goal time was. He knew he wasn't going to win the event - he typically wasn't fast enough. He had to have a more realistic goal for himself, and usually he did. Your daughter might actually know what her goal score is - I would think that would be part of coaching.

[jenn-]

Thank you everyone for your responses. When I was posting originally I thought I was going to be ripped a new one. You have all given me something to think about going forward this season. I have never told DD her vaulting sucks, just that it is an area that she still needs a lot of work on. I have told the parents around me during practices and obviously at the meet yesterday, but it was a truthful observation.

[Mom22ns]

Thank you everyone for your responses. When I was posting originally I thought I was going to be ripped a new one. You have all given me something to think about going forward this season. I have never told DD her vaulting sucks, just that it is an area that she still needs a lot of work on. I have told the parents around me during practices and obviously at the meet yesterday, but it was a truthful observation.

 

:lol:

Although I don't like the idea of discouraging your child right before a meet, I have to admit, I've been in the stands watching saying - "wow, that was awful!" Now, with dd I would never say that. I might say "Gee that bar score was all that kept you from winning all around." or "Was that typical of your bars right now?" (can you guess dd's weak event?) I do make truthful observations to both dd and other parents. I just don't make them on meet days. On meet days I encourage before and celebrate anything I can find or keep my mouth shut after. A few days later we can dissect, but not the day of.