Am I wrong to think this way? Re: IL's watching kids

[daughterofsarah77]

First, I am blessed with super in-laws, all considered : ) But, I feel I have a bit of a dilemna.

 

I have never left my kids (8 and 3) overnight with them, but they stay at my Mom's instead when needed. I know my MIL feels bad, and she is constantly making comments about the kids staying over sometime.

 

Here's my problem (and this does not really apply to my 8 year old dd, as she has spent some nights there.) I can pretty much count on there being anywhere from 2-6 other grandkids spending the night at any given time. My dh's sibs dump their kids off constantly...and that would especially be the case if they found out that my kids were there. If they hadn't been planning on it, they would decide to so "the cousins can all play."

Couple of issues for me...why can't MY kids have a special weekend with Grandma/Grandpa? Sorry, the other kids are there ALL the time! Second, and most important...I am not fired up about the level of supervision of my 3 year old when there are potentially up to 8 kids to watch. It seems pretty common sometimes for Grandma and Grandpa to think that the older cousins will watch out for the younger ones. Not good enough for me, especially given that they live on a hobby farm with an old barn, electric fencing, horses, a creek, and a small lake : O

I have another weekend coming up that they will go to my Mom's for again, and I am feeling bad that she is the only one I ask to watch them...and that MIL IS missing out : ( Am I off base in my thinking with this issue?

[daughterofsarah77]

And I haven't discussed this with dh...I don't believe he has the issues that I do though : )

[Haiku]

Personally, I think it would be fine. Some of the best times my kids have had have been hanging with a bunch of their cousins. Your MIL loves your kids, right, and I doubt she would be more likely to let something happen to them than you would.

 

Tara

[bkpan]

First, I am blessed with super in-laws, all considered : ) But, I feel I have a bit of a dilemna.

 

I have never left my kids (8 and 3) overnight with them, but they stay at my Mom's instead when needed. I know my MIL feels bad, and she is constantly making comments about the kids staying over sometime.

 

Here's my problem (and this does not really apply to my 8 year old dd, as she has spent some nights there.) I can pretty much count on there being anywhere from 2-6 other grandkids spending the night at any given time. My dh's sibs dump their kids off constantly...and that would especially be the case if they found out that my kids were there. If they hadn't been planning on it, they would decide to so "the cousins can all play."

Couple of issues for me...why can't MY kids have a special weekend with Grandma/Grandpa? Sorry, the other kids are there ALL the time! Second, and most important...I am not fired up about the level of supervision of my 3 year old when there are potentially up to 8 kids to watch. It seems pretty common sometimes for Grandma and Grandpa to think that the older cousins will watch out for the younger ones. Not good enough for me, especially given that they live on a hobby farm with an old barn, electric fencing, horses, a creek, and a small lake : O

I have another weekend coming up that they will go to my Mom's for again, and I am feeling bad that she is the only one I ask to watch them...and that MIL IS missing out : ( Am I off base in my thinking with this issue?

 

Have you explained your feelings to your inI laws? If you have and they won't accept your conditions then there is nothing you can do And I would not feel bad.

 

If you haven't, then I would definitely understand if they were hurt!

[Garga]

Can't offer a solution, but I would feel the exact same way.

 

Older kids do not watch younger kids. Or at least, not for long or not with consistency.

 

The stream, lake and barn would worry me with a 3 year old.

[Thia]

I remember when I was a child, there were always a lot of cousins around. Special time with grandparents did come later, when I was older, but when a child, it was a houseful! And the olders did look after the littles. I guess the question would be...what are the cousins like? Do you think they can be semi responsible? Do you think they would harm your children? etc. If you can't find a cause for worry such as that, why not give it a try for even just one night. I am so glad I got to spend lots of time with my cousins as a child.

[Mommyof4ks]

Can you send your 8 yr old to the ILs house and your 3 yr old to your mom's until the three yr old can be trusted around water? I know how you feel. The first time my dd stayed at my ILs she nearly got her hands burned a a stove in the church nursery, because the ladies were too busy chatting. :glare: After using poor judgement my dd was not allowed overnights for several years after that.

[ErinE]

It's okay to be nervous, but I think your kids would have a blast. Some of my happiest memories are times spent with cousins.

[Garga]

Can you send your 8 yr old to the ILs house and your 3 yr old to your mom's until the three yr old can be trusted around water? I know how you feel. The first time my dd stayed at my ILs she nearly got her hands burned a a stove in the church nursery, because the ladies were too busy chatting. :glare: After using poor judgement my dd was not allowed overnights for several years after that.

 

I like this suggestion. I find that three year olds require a lot more supervision than people remember, unless they're parents of three year olds, as well. It's easy to forget how much they can get into and how little common sense they've developed. (Not to insult the 3 yos. They just haven't had time to develop common sense.)

[DaffodilDreams]

I can't speak for what's best for your children (and perhaps your three year would be better off joining in on overnights in a few years), but I'll share something from my childhood.

 

My most beloved memories of childhood are of times spent at my grandparents'. There are 15 cousins on that side and often we were all there at once. My grandparents live on a ranch, so we had multiple barns, lakes, ponds, creeks, woods, pastures, and a mountain at our disposal. We were all very much free range from an early age, and yet we all survived and came out of it with a love of and respect for nature, skills we wouldn't have had w/o this experience, simple pleasures, a great deal of common sense, and incredibly close relationships between cousins and with grandparents. If I could replicate this situation for my daughter, I wouldn't hesitate to give her the same experiences.

[coffeegal]

I like this suggestion. I find that three year olds require a lot more supervision than people remember, unless they're parents of three year olds, as well. It's easy to forget how much they can get into and how little common sense they've developed. (Not to insult the 3 yos. They just haven't had time to develop common sense.)

 

:iagree: As a parent with a 3yo, it's amazing how quickly she'll find trouble. Also we took her swimming over the week and had to watch her like a hawk. She couldn't get back up when she fell.

[catz]

Can't offer a solution, but I would feel the exact same way.

 

Older kids do not watch younger kids. Or at least, not for long or not with consistency.

 

The stream, lake and barn would worry me with a 3 year old.

 

:iagree: I don't worry about my kids with my ILs so much now that they're older, but I only used them for short periods of time when my kids were younger for similar reasons. Always other kids there and they aren't super engaged or attentive (my kids mostly stare at a screen over there now. Yay).

 

ETA - 4 and 5 year olds usually play and follow older kids much better. 3 year olds really vary. My 3 year old DD was pretty predictable. My 3 year old DS? No way. I think making memories w/grandparents and cousins is awesome, but if they let the 3 year old have free reign w/the bigger kids, I would not be ok with that.

[Cera]

I would be upfront with MIL. Tell her you would love to have your kids stay with her sometimes but are worried about drowning and such with your 3 year old. I have found that most people respond well to genuine worry when you frame it as "I know I am probably being overprotective but..."

 

Maybe ask if the 3 year old could stay over one weekend with no other cousins (except big sib) to try it out.

[southcarolinamom]

I would be upfront with MIL. Tell her you would love to have your kids stay with her sometimes but are worried about drowning and such with your 3 year old. I have found that most people respond well to genuine worry when you frame it as "I know I am probably being overprotective but..."

 

Maybe ask if the 3 year old could stay over one weekend with no other cousins (except big sib) to try it out.

 

:iagree:

 

Good suggestion! Let them enjoy their first sleep-over with grandpa and grandma all to themselves!

[PeacefulChaos]

Personally, I think it would be fine. Some of the best times my kids have had have been hanging with a bunch of their cousins. Your MIL loves your kids, right, and I doubt she would be more likely to let something happen to them than you would.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

We have some similar situations, only not so many overnight at the same time. :)

[katilac]

Have you asked them if they would take your kids for a special weekend? I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I do think they deserve the chance to say no, or at least the chance to understand why you don't allow it. Like someone else suggested, I would consider letting the 8-yr-old go, and the 3-yr-old goes to your mom's.

 

Honestly, if they have 8 or more grandkids, I can certainly see how they would find it hard to take them in onesie-twosies, kwim?

 

I, too, have great memories of the big gang of cousins, but I also remember the utter lack of supervision, lol. No deaths, but several fairly serious injuries, and plenty of near-misses.

 

Plus the bigs can take advantage of or be mean to the littles, because there is this tendency (especially with big gangs of kids) to expect them to 'go off and play' and not bother the adults. I vividly recall a 16-yr-old male cousin cracking me across the face when we argued; I was only a few years younger, about 12, but half his size. He would never have dreamed of doing that if adults were around, and the adults would never have suspected he would do it all, but hours and hours of unsupervised mob rule wear away the veneer of civilization, lol.

[Catwoman]

Have you explained your feelings to your inI laws? If you have and they won't accept your conditions then there is nothing you can do And I would not feel bad.

 

If you haven't, then I would definitely understand if they were hurt!

 

:iagree:

 

I completely agree with your reasoning, BTW! :)

[meggie]

I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to keep your kids at your mother's instead of your in laws. They are your children and you know your IL better than we do. I would not leave Digby with relatives at his age. We've called him Houdini before because he seems to have a knack for escaping any type of safety precaution. If you don't trust someone enough to keep adequate supervision over your child, you are under no obligation to cave or feel guilty about it.

[Catwoman]

Honestly, if they have 8 or more grandkids, I can certainly see how they would find it hard to take them in onesie-twosies, kwim?

 

 

I can understand the idea that it might feel awkward to say yes to one grandchild and no to another, but it shouldn't be too difficult to come up with some sort of fair and equitable sleepover schedule. I would think it would be much easier to only have a few grandkids stay over at a time, although if the MIL isn't exactly one to supervise very well, she probably doesn't care one way or the other, and assumes that the older kids will watch the little ones, so she doesn't have to deal with the responsibility.

 

Personally, that idea wouldn't wash with me or my dh, particularly if we had a 3yo and an 8yo. Those kids are both too young to be without supervision -- and older cousins would not be enough for us. (And really, if the MIL wants the kids to sleep over, doesn't she want one-on-one time with them? If Dawn's kids are just going to be two of a big group, how much attention will they get from MIL anyway?)

 

If Dawn's MIL insists on having an open-door policy regarding sleepovers, I would have her dh explain our position (because it's his mom,) and not think twice about refusing her invitations. It sounds like both Dawn and her dh are on the same page, and that they both feel safer letting the kids sleep over at her mom's house, so I absolutely trust their instincts.

Edited August 17, 2012 by Catwoman

[kalanamak]

Can you send your 8 yr old to the ILs house and your 3 yr old to your mom's until the three yr old can be trusted around water? I know how you feel.

 

:iagree:I learned early on when a "Oh, may I hold the baby" person lowered my 6 month old to a STRANGE dog so kiddo could pull its hair!!! Came out in a handful, dog looked scared, and I got baby back immediately.

[Catwoman]

:iagree:I learned early on when a "Oh, may I hold the baby" person lowered my 6 month old to a STRANGE dog so kiddo could pull its hair!!! Came out in a handful, dog looked scared, and I got baby back immediately.

 

:eek: :eek: :eek:

 

People used to think dh and I were snobs because we didn't let anyone and everyone hold our ds, but I still don't feel badly about it. I don't ask to hold others' babies, so I never felt guilty about not letting people hold mine.

[hsingscrapper]

I have awesome inlaws and would totally leave my youngest overnight with them. They, however, do not have more than one family at a time for parent-less visits.

 

Some of my fondest memories were with my cousins. My older cousins were left in charge if they were at least teens. There was an unspoken understanding of what would happen if they were remiss in minding the safety of the youngers or what would happen to youngers who gave olders the wrong kind of grief. That being said, we had a blast.

 

I would, out of marital respect, talk to your dh first. He may prove to be a good middle man so nobody's feelings get hurt or to, at least, minimize damage. He may or may not feel blindsided if you don't talk to him first. It might make more of an impression in your favor if you present a united front to your in-laws.

 

Hope this helps!!

[katilac]

I can understand the idea that it might feel awkward to say yes to one grandchild and no to another, <snip>

 

I actually didn't mean that it would be hard to say no to the other grandkids, but rather that it would be hard to schedule sleepovers 3 times as often.

 

<snip> (And really, if the MIL wants the kids to sleep over, doesn't she want one-on-one time with them? If Dawn's kids are just going to be two of a big group, how much attention will they get from MIL anyway?)

 

Again, I think it can be hard for grandparents with lots of grands to offer a lot of one-on-one time. that doesn't mean they don't enjoy having the kids over.

 

If Dawn's MIL insists on having an open-door policy regarding sleepovers, I would have her dh explain our position (because it's his mom,) and not think twice about refusing her invitations. It sounds like both Dawn and her dh are on the same page, and that they both feel safer letting the kids sleep over at her mom's house, so I absolutely trust their instincts.

 

I don't know if this was addressed to me, but, as I said, I totally think it's fine if she doesn't have the kids sleep over there. I also think it's totally fine for m-i-l to have group sleepovers. To each his own, y'know?

[Catwoman]

Katilac, I knew what you meant -- I was just commenting on the one sentence, and then I sort of went off on a tangent. Sorry about the confusion! :001_smile:

[HomeschoolingHearts&Minds]

It's truly amazing what my 3-year-old can get into within 5 minutes, and often with her siblings "watching her." I've had trouble with sitters not fully appreciating her ability to get into trouble, too, and that's only for a couple of hours, not overnight. ;)

We do not let her do overnights, but the older children do, and the Grands understand that, because they know what our reasons are. If you're all right with your older dc staying over, go for it. They don't have to go together.

 

And a side note: I have fond memories of running with my cousins on their farm. I also have not so fond memories of being chased across a pasture by a billy goat, crawling under the wire fence, and coming home with my shirt and back torn up by the bottom of the fence raking me. Not saying there weren't golden memories (and I wouldn't have missed them for the world), just saying that they aren't all golden. And your dc can still have those memories when she's 5 or 6 or however old she needs to be to remember them fondly. :001_smile:

[2squared]

Like a PP stated, my guess is that the culture of dh's family is different than yours, particularly if he has a larger family. I come from a small family and my mom prefers to spend time with each set of grandkids separately. My dh comes from a large family, and my ILs love spending time with all the grandkids together. I suspect that when all the grandkids are together, it resembles life from when they had little kids.

 

The other culture difference may be country life vs suburbia life. When we lived in suburbia, my younger kids didn't stray far from my side. Now in rural nowhereville with barns and animals, my kids freerange. My 1yo goes out with his older sibs, but the others go out at will.

[marbel]

And I haven't discussed this with dh...I don't believe he has the issues that I do though : )

 

I think the first thing to do is talk to your husband about it! Maybe he doesn't have an opinion about it, but you should ask him what he thinks. Express your concern about hurting his parents, but also your concern about the supervision for your little one. Work it out with him, and go from there.

[Starr]

I find that children are watched less the more people there are around to watch them. I had an escape child and no one believed me until they saw her, at 1 1/2 jump, into the pool, found near the river, and wandering to the parking lot. Each time I specifically asked a grown up to watch her and told them exactly what she would do.

[Amy in NH]

I understand your POV and agree with your reasoning. Perhaps you could ask MIL if she can come have an overnight with the kids at your house. If not, I'd be completely up front and discuss my concerns with her. If she can't guarantee that there won't be 8 kids there, then a sleepover at their house will have to wait until 3yo is a bit older.

[Parker Martin]

Are you wrong to think that way? No.

[Wheres Toto]

I find that children are watched less the more people there are around to watch them. I had an escape child and no one believed me until they saw her, at 1 1/2 jump, into the pool, found near the river, and wandering to the parking lot. Each time I specifically asked a grown up to watch her and told them exactly what she would do.

 

:iagree: I always found that "everyone will watch them" more often meant no one will watch them. My kids are good at finding trouble too.

[Lovedtodeath]

When I still had in-laws, we tried leaving the youngest there only to find he was left 2 floors down with a very immature cousin who was not really watching him. We never tried leaving the kids there again. So no, you aren't crazy or wrong... but it was pretty obvious by my in-laws attitude that they aren't good at watching little kids, it wasn't just the cousin situation kwim?

[jujsky]

I don't think you're out of line at all regarding the 3 year-old. You said you have a good relationships with your ILs. Can you just explain it to them? Tell them you're not comfortable with that many cousins there with your 3 year-old because you're afraid she'll be lost in the shuffle. Tell them you're not comfortable with the idea of the older cousins watching her. I also like the suggestion of another poster here that said to send the 3 year-old to your parents and the 8 year-old to your ILs house. I agree with other posters that my time with my cousins was precious to me. If I had the choice between one-on-one time with the grandparents or a big, wild sleep-over with all my cousins, my cousins would win hands-down every time. I'm still close to most of them as an adult -- some of them are more like brothers and sisters to me than cousins. Let your 8 year old have that. Let your 3 year old have it too once she's old enough to be safe.

[Ellie]

I don't have a problem with your dc playing there with their cousins. I think it's marvelous that your children have so many cousins who live nearby. It's ok that your dc don't get one-on-one face time with the grandparents. If they grandparents want it, they'll work on it; if not, it's enough that your dc are in the same house with them *and* the cousins.

 

Believe me when I tell you that there are scores of people who would give anything for their children to have what your children have.

[OrganicAnn]

I wouldn't leave a 3 year old with a bunch of cousins and distracted GM/GP.

 

Can you stay with them also? Or your DH?

[sparkygirl]

What about explaining to your IL's your concerns and suggest that IL's stay at your house with your kids while you are away. Explain that you would like the kids to have special time with their grandparents.

[KungFuPanda]

And I haven't discussed this with dh...I don't believe he has the issues that I do though : )

 

I'd say that they did such a fine job raising your DH that you chose HIM above all others. They can surely return your three-year-old alive and in good condition after one night. :D

[Catwoman]

What about explaining to your IL's your concerns and suggest that IL's stay at your house with your kids while you are away. Explain that you would like the kids to have special time with their grandparents.

 

Hey -- that's a clever idea! :001_smile:

[TGHEALTHYMOM]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[tomandlorih]

What about explaining to your IL's your concerns and suggest that IL's stay at your house with your kids while you are away. Explain that you would like the kids to have special time with their grandparents.

 

This MIGHT work.. unless the cousins again get dropped off to wreak havoc on your house!

[Soror]

I don't have a problem with your dc playing there with their cousins. I think it's marvelous that your children have so many cousins who live nearby. It's ok that your dc don't get one-on-one face time with the grandparents. If they grandparents want it, they'll work on it; if not, it's enough that your dc are in the same house with them *and* the cousins.

 

Believe me when I tell you that there are scores of people who would give anything for their children to have what your children have.

 

:iagree: My brother and sil live right by my mom and their kids are there daily. We live 45 min away and the kids visit much more rarely. Every time the older ones go to stay the night they ask if their cousins are going to be there, they love playing with them. I wouldn't necessarily leave the 3 yo there but I wouldn't worry about the older ones. My own 2.5 yo hasn't stayed the night anywhere yet, although we probably will do a test run before the new baby comes.

[Irene Lynn]

There are so many variables to this for me to give any good direct advice. Each child and family and group atmosphere is so different. Some groups are crazy making for certain kids. Some groups are wonderful. Some individuals are crazy making for the group and some are wonderful in a group.

 

In a situation like this, my dd wouldn't have been able to go until she was, well, plenty old and then she might have chosen to stay away even then. She was a HUGE introvert with meltdown/shutdown/crying tendencies if she were overstimulated. She could have gone to the grandparents by herself, but not with a group. She was VERY trustworthy and would not have caused other trouble, but she would have been difficult in a group, because she couldn't handle it.

 

Our son is very different. He wouldn't have been able to go until he was about 3.5 yo for the safety of others. He threw tantrums and was aggressive. After he matured enough and could talk better, he settled down and behaved even better in large groups. He would have been great with little supervision. It boggles my mind, but he really is very good in groups. He has a wild imagination and is very lively, but he doesn't make dangerous choices for some reason. I am grateful for that! Another child might make poor choices out of curiosity or might disappear or... Some do much worse in groups than they do alone. Also, I am only talking about some of the groups with which our son has played. I am sure that some other groups I would decline based on the dynamics and my particular child.

 

I would encourage you to think through your reasons very carefully and honestly. How has your experience influenced your decision here? Is this really about your child's safety or is there anything else that is confusing the issue, too? Sometimes our fears are just that, our fears. Sometimes there is a very good reason for concern. Whatever the case, just be honest and address the real reasons for your concerns. Perhaps there is another alternative than many cousins at the grandparent's house or no grandparent's house sleepover at all. Perhaps Grandma and Grandpa would be willing to try a trial visit with just your kids to get them familiar with the rules of the place, before having the cousins around that first time. Or perhaps you could share your concerns with Grandma and Grandpa and ask them to keep an extra eye toward that concern and report back how your child did. After a trial run, you would have a better feel and would have a clearer decision. I don't know. :) You know the situation much better than we do.

 

I am glad that you have such nice, available ILs and lots of cousins. Those are blessings that my children have not had.

[Zebra]

I think a 3 year old with a bunch of cousins and grandparents is a recipe for disaster.

 

Maybe I am overprotective, but I don't understand why there has to be so many kids for the grandparents to watch at one time either. It seems like a bit much to me.

 

Don't feel guilty. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. And I don't know why you are getting any guilt from the in-laws. They already have a bunch of kids over there, why do they need more to watch?