What are the responsibilities of parents to their adult, as in fully grown, dc?

[Murphy101]

This is an alien concept to me as I don't know anyone that has ever stated they think this before.

 

There are MANY things I hope to do with my sons and daughters when they are grown, but I wouldn't classify ANY of it as my responsibility.

 

So I'm stumped.

 

ETA: I'm not starting this to be snarky. Just clarifying that. Truly. This is completely new concept to me.

Edited July 19, 2012 by Martha

[Jean in Newcastle]

To love them?

[Murphy101]

To love them?

 

Is a love not freely given love?

And if not, how can it be a responsibility?

 

 

How are they required to show that love? What is the measurement to determine if the responsibility to love is being met?

[regentrude]

To love them and to give them the freedom to make their own choices and live their own life, even when the parent does not agree with the choice.

 

ETA: Sure, Martha, you are right, love is not technically a responsibility...

[Jean in Newcastle]

ETA: Sure, Martha, you are right, love is not technically a responsibility...

 

:iagree:

[Joker]

I don't really know how to answer this. My father has passed, so I only have my mom and I do rely on her to give me the support she's always given me. She loves me, she listens to me, she visits her grandchildren and me when she can, and she welcomes us with open arms if we have the opportunity to visit her. I don't even have to ask. I just call and tell her we could come on this date and she says to get there quick. When I had a difficult pregnancy, she was there to help. She's just always been there for me. I would be hurt if it was suddenly gone. My dad was the same before he died. I don't know if these are really responsibilities but they're what I've come to expect.

[Rebecca VA]

To set a good example.

[Juniper]

Normally I do not go all Bible versy, not my style. ;)

 

But, Pro 13:22 A good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children, but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous.

 

2Cr 12:14 Now I am ready to visit you for the third time, and I will not be a burden to you, because what I want is not your possessions but you. After all, children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children.

 

...and the father of the Prodigal.

 

What I read here is that parent has a responsibility to provide for their child regardless of age. Of course this does not mean hamstringing them to be dependent on you or fueling their meth habit!!! That is just plain foolish, but it seems that a parent has the responsibility to be there for their child, even financially, no matter the age.

 

And I include emotional support and wisdom in the "being there" category.

[sourpatchbaby]

I think the biggest responsibility parents should have towards their adult children is to not become a financial burden onto them. Our main goal is to ensure our retirement is set so that when we don't/can't work anymore we are not putting a strain in our children (who by that time will probably have families of their own and small children to take care of). We also want to ensure that we have our funerals set up and paid for (or have enough money set aside for it) so that they don't have to scramble to find money for it in the heat of the moment. It's really hard to have your own family and know that due to your own parent's financial irresponsibility you will have to spend money you don't have in order for them to have a funeral.

 

Would it be nice if our children want us to live with them once we become grownups ourselves? Sure it would, but it would be different if we lived with them out of their desire of having us close by rather than the fact that we can't afford to live anywhere.

[Murphy101]

I don't really know how to answer this. My father has passed, so I only have my mom and I do rely on her to give me the support she's always given me. She loves me, she listens to me, she visits her grandchildren and me when she can, and she welcomes us with open arms if we have the opportunity to visit her. I don't even have to ask. I just call and tell her we could come on this date and she says to get there quick. When I had a difficult pregnancy, she was there to help. She's just always been there for me. I would be hurt if it was suddenly gone. My dad was the same before he died. I don't know if these are really responsibilities but they're what I've come to expect.

 

I have no expectation of any of that and never have, but those are things I hope to do/be for my sons and daughters as well.

 

ETA: To me, this is more how I TRY to treat everyone. It's not even a kid thing here. If someone calls, sure come on over. Want dinner too? That's just what we do.

Edited July 19, 2012 by Martha

[justasque]

To be there for them with a listening ear, a helping hand, a cheerful word, a recognition of achievement, an embrace during times of sorrow, wise counsel, acceptance and love.

 

To use our gifts, whatever they may be (time, skill, wisdom), to make their lives better, and to give them an opportunity to bless us with theirs.

 

To understand that as we both age, we may find ourselves changing roles, and to do that with grace and respect and gentleness.

 

Also, chocolate.

[hsbaby]

My parents have always been there for me. Something breaks at home and dh can't fix it? My dad runs over. I had a bad day and just want to cry? My mom is there to listen. An unexpected financial burden we can't afford? Yup, they will help out with that too. These may not be their responsibilities by law or according to other people, but I feel darn lucky that THEY feel these are there responsibilities. And you better believe I plan to pay it all forward to my children. My kids will always be my babies. I feel like it IS my responsibilty (and one that I take on happily) to do everything I can to support, love them, and help them as much as I can.

[justamouse]

To love them, to hope the best for them, to love (with all hope) the mate they chose and the children they bear.

 

What WE would do as parents, if we are able, because that is the way our family rolls, it to help in any way possible for them to succeed. It is nothing in our family to offer business loans, to buy shares, to offer a place to live, help with bills, stuff for apartments, tackle projects. Both of our parents have done so for us and we continue that tradition (even Aunts and Uncles have done so). We would love to help them buy a house if at all ever possible and we see it as our responsibility to be as responsible as we can to attain that goal (yes, for all of them).

 

Not only our own family, but those that we're close with that are foreign have been very influential as to this sort of familial inheritance.

 

You know, when I thank my priest, he always says, "It's my privilege." And he's expounded on that in homilies.

 

It's not my responsibility, it's my privilege.

Edited July 19, 2012 by justamouse

[Lawana]

To continue in relationship. If by responsibility, you mean actions needing to be done, as in a continuation of duties to feed, clothe, house and rear in faith, then I say the responsibilities are of a mostly different nature. Certainly you don't expect to drop your newly 18 yo senior in high school off your list of responsibilties. Much the same way, I see a transitioning time where the responsibilities shift from the mundane care of a newborn through to a loving, supportive guiding role towards a late teen and then on to a trusted advisor.

[swellmomma]

To be there for them with a listening ear, a helping hand, a cheerful word, a recognition of achievement, an embrace during times of sorrow, wise counsel, acceptance and love.

 

To use our gifts, whatever they may be (time, skill, wisdom), to make their lives better, and to give them an opportunity to bless us with theirs.

 

To understand that as we both age, we may find ourselves changing roles, and to do that with grace and respect and gentleness.

 

Also, chocolate.

 

:iagree:

[Seshet]

To support them, emotionally, not financially (except those occasions where there is a disability or something that prevents them from supporting themselves). To show them respect. To not try to undermine their authority when dc have kids of their own. To help them when needed, and let them fail when needed. To be there for them. To continue to be a good example.

[kitten18]

I don't really know how to answer this. My father has passed, so I only have my mom and I do rely on her to give me the support she's always given me. She loves me, she listens to me, she visits her grandchildren and me when she can, and she welcomes us with open arms if we have the opportunity to visit her. I don't even have to ask. I just call and tell her we could come on this date and she says to get there quick. When I had a difficult pregnancy, she was there to help. She's just always been there for me. I would be hurt if it was suddenly gone. My dad was the same before he died. I don't know if these are really responsibilities but they're what I've come to expect.

:iagree:

 

These may not be their responsibilities by law or according to other people, but I feel darn lucky that THEY feel these are there responsibilities. And you better believe I plan to pay it all forward to my children. My kids will always be my babies. I feel like it IS my responsibilty (and one that I take on happily) to do everything I can to support, love them, and help them as much as I can.

:iagree:

[tabrizia]

I don't really know how to answer this. My father has passed, so I only have my mom and I do rely on her to give me the support she's always given me. She loves me, she listens to me, she visits her grandchildren and me when she can, and she welcomes us with open arms if we have the opportunity to visit her. I don't even have to ask. I just call and tell her we could come on this date and she says to get there quick. When I had a difficult pregnancy, she was there to help. She's just always been there for me. I would be hurt if it was suddenly gone. My dad was the same before he died. I don't know if these are really responsibilities but they're what I've come to expect.

 

My parents have always been there for me. Something breaks at home and dh can't fix it? My dad runs over. I had a bad day and just want to cry? My mom is there to listen. An unexpected financial burden we can't afford? Yup, they will help out with that too. These may not be their responsibilities by law or according to other people, but I feel darn lucky that THEY feel these are there responsibilities. And you better believe I plan to pay it all forward to my children. My kids will always be my babies. I feel like it IS my responsibilty (and one that I take on happily) to do everything I can to support, love them, and help them as much as I can.

 

:iagree:

 

When DS1 fell out the window, my Mom was on the first plane up and stayed for 3 weeks, while DS was in the PICU. She watched after the other two and took care of them so DH and I could focus on DS1. She stayed as long as she could and long enough for us to be able to get a longer term care plan in place for the younger two during DS1's hospital stay and recovery. She and my Dad are also helping with the unexpected medical expenses that occurred due to DS' accident. She is always available to talk when I call her and need her, even if I just need to vent. My Dad is there as well, and if we had needed him he would have come up right away as well.

 

I know I can always count on my parents if I need them, my in-laws as well, in any circumstance that occurs. I think that is really the most important thing, to know you can count on your parents if needed, even if you are an adult, just knowing your parents have your back when needed.

[Murphy101]

:iagree:

 

When DS1 fell out the window, my Mom was on the first plane up and stayed for 3 weeks, while DS was in the PICU. She watched after the other two and took care of them so DH and I could focus on DS1. She stayed as long as she could and long enough for us to be able to get a longer term care plan in place for the younger two during DS1's hospital stay and recovery. She and my Dad are also helping with the unexpected medical expenses that occurred due to DS' accident. She is always available to talk when I call her and need her, even if I just need to vent. My Dad is there as well, and if we had needed him he would have come up right away as well.

 

I know I can always count on my parents if I need them, my in-laws as well, in any circumstance that occurs. I think that is really the most important thing, to know you can count on your parents if needed, even if you are an adult, just knowing your parents have your back when needed.

 

 

So let's say your parents could not get off work and or didn't have money to help you out - would they have been failing in their responsibility to you? Do you feel that a parent that can't do that for their adult child is not fulfilling their responsibilities?

[mommaduck]

Is a love not freely given love?

And if not, how can it be a responsibility?

 

 

How are they required to show that love? What is the measurement to determine if the responsibility to love is being met?

Some believe that love is an action, not just a warm emotion. One actually can lead to the other.

[Liz CA]

This is an alien concept to me as I don't know anyone that has ever stated they think this before.

 

There are MANY things I hope to do with my sons and daughters when they are grown, but I wouldn't classify ANY of it as my responsibility.

 

So I'm stumped.

 

ETA: I'm not starting this to be snarky. Just clarifying that. Truly. This is completely new concept to me.

 

Legally none as far as I know. I still love him, support him, encourage him and let him know that God has a plan for him even if he cannot see it right now - if you don't believe in this, excuse me for mentioning it.

Just my 5 cents...;)

[Lawana]

So let's say your parents could not get off work and or didn't have money to help you out - would they have been failing in their responsibility to you? Do you feel that a parent that can't do that for their adult child is not fulfilling their responsibilities?

No, not if they were offering the support they could. It is different from a list of required actions. When dc are young, we would move heaven and earth to provide food and shelter for them. The nature of support changes, but the responsibility to support doesn't/

[justamouse]

:iagree:

 

When DS1 fell out the window, my Mom was on the first plane up and stayed for 3 weeks, while DS was in the PICU. She watched after the other two and took care of them so DH and I could focus on DS1. She stayed as long as she could and long enough for us to be able to get a longer term care plan in place for the younger two during DS1's hospital stay and recovery. She and my Dad are also helping with the unexpected medical expenses that occurred due to DS' accident. She is always available to talk when I call her and need her, even if I just need to vent. My Dad is there as well, and if we had needed him he would have come up right away as well.

 

I know I can always count on my parents if I need them, my in-laws as well, in any circumstance that occurs. I think that is really the most important thing, to know you can count on your parents if needed, even if you are an adult, just knowing your parents have your back when needed.

 

I have called my mom en route to the hospital so much. :D She stops everything and they both show up. They take kids, they feed them, take them home and put them to bed. If it weren't for her with my Dd17's operation, things-as bad as they were-would have been worse. She was there three days with me, helped my Dh and even my Dad stopped in.

 

My mom fed me and washed me while I was bedridden while having an operation and pregnant with twins. She didn't leave my side.

 

That said, they are SO much like that, that if they weren't able to, I'd really know they weren't able to.

[amy g.]

I don't believe parents owe adult children money, as an inheritance, or when the parents are alive. In fact I see my friends who still get money from their parents as somehow childlike, and actually.....I'm scared to say this....but a little bit crippled. I won't be supporting adult children financially, but I might give them a gift of money, when I want to, out of choice not obligation.

 

I believe we are obligated to respect

their adulthood,

their partner,

their religion,

their political beliefs,

their choice of profession,

their parenting style

 

I will not feel obligated to celebrate holidays or birthdays with them, unless I want to. I will not feel like they should spend one hour more with me that they want to.

[tabrizia]

So let's say your parents could not get off work and or didn't have money to help you out - would they have been failing in their responsibility to you? Do you feel that a parent that can't do that for their adult child is not fulfilling their responsibilities?

 

No, not if they were offering the support they could. It is different from a list of required actions. When dc are young, we would move heaven and earth to provide food and shelter for them. The nature of support changes, but the responsibility to support doesn't/

 

:iagree: This. She stated it better then I could have. If my parents couldn't have taken off work to help or afforded money to help, I won't have expected it, I didn't expect it as was, but I appreciated the offer when it was given. As long as they were giving what support they could. Which could have been a phone call once a day or even once a week depending on what their situation was. In this case my Mom was able to help a lot more.

 

On the other hand, my in-laws are older then my parents and not as well off. We did not expect them to offer to help with medical bills, and we did not expect them to watch the other two for 3 weeks straight like my Mom was able to do. If we had had to rely on my in-laws help rather then my parents, we knew they would watch the younger two for the first night or two, but then they would have needed a break and we would have had to figure out child care much faster. Which we would have done, but fortunately it wasn't an issue because of my Mom. We have never felt like my in-laws supported us less during this time then my parents though. We knew both were doing everything within their ability to help, no matter how big or small. As another example, my Grandmother's support was praying for DS and sending me an occasional message on facebook, it still showed off how much she loved and supported us through the incident. If that was all that my parents or in-laws were able to do for support, it would have been enough as well. It was the fact that they cared and were showing support as they were able.

[justasque]

So let's say your parents could not get off work and or didn't have money to help you out - would they have been failing in their responsibility to you? Do you feel that a parent that can't do that for their adult child is not fulfilling their responsibilities?

 

Everyone has different gifts, and different challenges. In my family, members offer up their gifts to others for whom those gifts will be of help. Together, we all do what we can. When a child is sick, one may be better at figuring out the best doc, another at doing the driving, another at watching siblings, another at putting a lasagna in the fridge for dinner. One may be busy with something else, but may be in a good place to help during the next crisis.

 

I think the key is that families give to each other when they can, and they don't keep score. What goes around, comes around.

 

There's no "failing", you just do your best. And family accepts what you are able to give, without judgement as to whether it's "enough".

[Mimm]

I don't know. I hesitate to even reply because of how people reacted in the other thread. I don't have a great relationship with my parents and my family is rather dysfunctional. I guess I don't really feel like they have responsibilities toward me as an adult.

[8circles]

To not abandon them. There isn't a list of rules as each situation is different.

[BinahYeteirah]

Very little of what has been posted so far sounds like a responsibility to me. The desire to support, however that is defined, one's grown children is a natural outgrowth of a close, loving relationship, not a responsibility. In fact, I think, at some point, the responsibilities in the relationship shift to the grown child. If a parent has raised a child to be independent and the parent needs support, the child has a responsibility to provide that. Of course, it's better if the parent does not need to "burden" his adult children, but if the parent does need support, financial or otherwise, I'd say it's the child's responsibility to provide that if he can. I, for one, have considered it my responsibility (and honor) to help my parents as they have gotten older. I wouldn't harm marriage or children to help them, but anything else they need from me that I can reasonably give, I feel I must provide in order to pay them back for all the sacrifices they made for me as a child and young adult.

[Lawana]

Very little of what has been posted so far sounds like a responsibility to me. The desire to support, however that is defined, one's grown children is a natural outgrowth of a close, loving relationship, not a responsibility. In fact, I think, at some point, the responsibilities in the relationship shift to the grown child. If a parent has raised a child to be independent and the parent needs support, the child has a responsibility to provide that. Of course, it's better if the parent does not need to "burden" his adult children, but if the parent does need support, financial or otherwise, I'd say it's the child's responsibility to provide that if he can. I, for one, have considered it my responsibility (and honor) to help my parents as they have gotten older. I wouldn't harm marriage or children to help them, but anything else they need from me that I can reasonably give, I feel I must provide in order to pay them back for all the sacrifices they made for me as a child and young adult.

What if you have a difficult to love child. What if your relationship with that child does not lead to feelings of desiring to have relationship. Then what do you do? Because despite all the good feelings generated when relationships go right, what do you do when they go wrong? Does the responsibility end?

[LibraryLover]

I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole, or whatever the cyber metrics. :auto:

[UnsinkableKristen]

What if you have a difficult to love child. What if your relationship with that child does not lead to feelings of desiring to have relationship. Then what do you do? Because despite all the good feelings generated when relationships go right, what do you do when they go wrong? Does the responsibility end?

 

 

No, the responsibility doesn't end just because you don't feel like being a parent. Even when your children are making terrible choices, you are still their parent.

 

I've seen my parents love my brother through some awful things. They have never glossed over the bad, but they have loved him through it. They have taken his kids away from him, they have called CPS. But they have ALWAYS loved him and let him know it. They have told him that they will offer any help available if he would take it. Everyday he grows up a little more (Dear Lord, let him someday be a full grown adult!) and I fully believe it's in part because my parents always let him know that there was no end to their love for him.

 

I feel it is my responsibility to *love* all of my children all of my life. No matter their ages, behavior, or needs. I will love them through my actions and I will love them with my emotions - even if they make that difficult or impossible. That is what I strive for as a parent, that they may see a reflection of God's love for them through me.

[Denise in Florida]

My daughters are my daughters and will be my daughters for the rest of my life.

 

As as mom and hopefully mentor/teacher/role model I will be available with love, sympathy, and advice (if requested).

 

I hope they will have happy, independent lives but if there is a time when they need a crash landing place or extra hands, I hope I can provide them.

 

This belief comes from a core belief that 'family is family' (assuming we are not talking about criminal, abusive or dysfunctional behavior) and that functional families (I know not all of them are functional) are one of the glues that hold the world together.

[Mergath]

My responsibilities to an adult child? None. But I'll love, support, and help my dd when she's an adult because I love her, not because there's some kind of unwritten list of parental duties. That seems rather legalistic. And sad.

 

It'll be just like it is now. I don't do all the things I do for dd because I'm trying to meet some minimum list of responsibilities to my minor child. I do it because I love her. When I do the same for other people either in or outside of my family, I do it for the same reason- love for my fellow humans. Not out of some proscribed sense of duty.

 

I really don't get why some people can't seem to wrap their minds around the whole idea.

[Audrey]

When they are legally adults you do not have any responsibility for them. A responsibility is a requirement to be fulfilled. You have fulfilled your responsibility once they reach adulthood. None of what has been listed in this thread is a true responsibility. You may, however, choose do to any, all or more of those things for your adult children, but that would be your choice, not your responsibility.

[Murphy101]

Some believe that love is an action, not just a warm emotion. One actually can lead to the other.

 

I agree. However the question is what responsibilities a parent has to a grown child. What if a parent believes they love their child but the child disagrees?

 

So far every post seems to let the child determine what the parental responsibilities are and whether they are met. Do the parents have no right to disagree?

 

Very little of what has been posted so far sounds like a responsibility to me. The desire to support, however that is defined, one's grown children is a natural outgrowth of a close, loving relationship, not a responsibility. In fact, I think, at some point, the responsibilities in the relationship shift to the grown child. If a parent has raised a child to be independent and the parent needs support, the child has a responsibility to provide that. Of course, it's better if the parent does not need to "burden" his adult children, but if the parent does need support, financial or otherwise, I'd say it's the child's responsibility to provide that if he can. I, for one, have considered it my responsibility (and honor) to help my parents as they have gotten older. I wouldn't harm marriage or children to help them, but anything else they need from me that I can reasonably give, I feel I must provide in order to pay them back for all the sacrifices they made for me as a child and young adult.

 

I agree.

Edited July 19, 2012 by Martha

[BinahYeteirah]

What if you have a difficult to love child. What if your relationship with that child does not lead to feelings of desiring to have relationship. Then what do you do? Because despite all the good feelings generated when relationships go right, what do you do when they go wrong? Does the responsibility end?

 

I've had times of feeling that way even with my own children who are far from grown. Obviously, my responsibilities as a parent to a minor child don't end just because I don't feel loving, but deep down (sometimes very deep down) there is always some kind of positive feeling there, a connection. I think that part applies to adult children, too. Even if the relationship is poor, you can still love them because they were once your little baby. I suppose it would depend on the specific relationship how that love would be expressed. I don't think either parent or child are required to tolerate toxic behavior or enable unhealthy behavior in the other.

[Parrothead]

I don't think there is an actual list. As always, what works for one family may or may not work for another.

[Soror]

I don't know. We get different support from each of our parents. I know if we did need money we'd ask dh's parents, emotional support I'd go to mine. As to continued financial support, generally I think it is a very, very bad idea except in limited circumstances. I see it often as contributing to a lack of responsibility. In dh's family his parents and grandparents(both sides) have both been burned by "helping" out kids. I think if a kid shows a good amount of personal responsibility then it might be ok but usually it seems that those that act the most irresponsibly are the ones that end up getting supported and never breaking those habits which cause the need. I'd love to be able to give a boost to a responsible kid to help them on the way or encourage those towards responsibility who need that, without enabling.

 

Emotionally I want to be supportive and there. I hope I can be excepting. I wish my mom acted a bit more attached then she does. I wish she would come and help after the baby is born but I know she won't. I'd much prefer that kind of support. I hope that I can see what my children need, in reason, and help them out to my ability.

[merry gardens]

To set a good example.

I love this reply! Very wise. The specifics will vary, based on family circumstances, but the general principles apply.

[kroe1]

My DH has been financially supporting his parents for 25 years. With that thought in mind, I would hope that my choices in life would not burden my children later. I don't know if this is a responsibility or a choice, but it's my pledge to my own children. I will try to keep my body and finances strong for as long as possible.

 

:)

[The Girls' Mom]

I feel like it is our responsibility to be there when we are needed. To help out where we can, without promoting the prolonged adolescence that seems so rampant today. On the flip side of that, I think it is also our responsibility to let them fall on their butts every once in a while.

 

I hope we are like dh's parents have been with us. We know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they would do anything for us if we needed it. As a young couple just starting out, that was so reassuring to us. Now as parents, it is reassuring to know that they would do the best they could for OUR kids should anything ever happen to us.

[Zebra]

I haven't read all the responses.

 

One adult is not responsible in any way to another adult, unless they are married and entered into a legally binding contract. You owe your parents NOTHING, it was their job to raise you. You owe your children nothing, you raised them and now they are adults and their life is their responsibility.

 

Hopefully, you have a nice and mutually satisfying relationship as adults. But that's a choice that both sides need to make because they want to. Not out of false guilt and obligation.

[Murphy101]

I think that part applies to adult children, too. Even if the relationship is poor, you can still love them because they were once your little baby.

 

Ahhhh. What if they had never been your little baby? What if they just showed up in your life at 20 or 30 or whatever?

 

To ME that is a HUGE difference. Many parents don't get the deep connection as some instant magical thing, it's a a million moments of love built up over decades.

 

And some people just don't like kids. They had their own whom they love and did their best, but they have no desire to be doting grandparents. (This is my in laws and my father.)

 

Do I feel that way? Nope. Obviously hence the 10 kids.;)

[Murphy101]

I haven't read all the responses.

 

One adult is not responsible in any way to another adult, unless they are married and entered into a legally binding contract. You owe your parents NOTHING, it was their job to raise you. You owe your children nothing, you raised them and now they are adults and their life is their responsibility.

 

Hopefully, you have a nice and mutually satisfying relationship as adults. But that's a choice that both sides need to make because they want to. Not out of false guilt and obligation.

 

That's always been what I thought as well. Anything an adult does for another is not because it is their responsibility to do it, it is simply what they feel is good/nice/loving/best to do for whatever reason.

 

 

* With the RCC proviso that we are all called to do acts of mercy as we are able.:)

[Lawana]

That's always been what I thought as well. Anything an adult does for another is not because it is their responsibility to do it, it is simply what they feel is good/nice/loving/best to do for whatever reason.

 

 

 

There are states that require family members to support their adult relatives rather than giving them governmental assistance. I'd call that a responsibility.

[Happy]

What an interesting thread. Very thought provoking.

 

I have adult children. My son is 27, married with a child of his own, and one is 21. The oldest has been a difficult to love guy and the younger is currently driving me batty with his decisions. :D

 

We still help both in some financial ways, but that's our attempt to help them establish themselves. That will end in the near future.

 

I see my responsibility to my adult children to be a 'keeper' and teller of history. It seems my sons have short memories about happy times, especially my oldest. (His attitude glass isn't half empty. It's practically bone dry.) My husband and I are here to help them remember the good times in their lives. Camping trips, travel, family meals and routines. School and church memories. I guess I still see us as an influence and an anchor as they find ways to establish their own habits and traditions. I feel its my priviledge to continue to build family memories at holidays and significant events. My brother and I became estranged after my parents deaths...I guess I'm trying to make sure my adult sons have more memories and ties that bind so they remain close well into adulthood as my husband's brothers have.

 

We continue to be good examples (but it's just the way we live. We are vocal about what we wish we'd not done)...and hope they are watching more than they seem to be. lol

 

I feel it's my responsibility to adore, love, and enjoy my grandchild. More of that passing on of 'history', yes. More than anything I'd love for her to get who she is in our family and in the eyes of God.

 

I also believe I have a responsibility to my friends and to a lesser extent to my clients. Perhaps I just take on more than I should....but I've been a victim of relatives and so called friends who didn't feel a sense of responsiblity toward me or my family. After the death of my parents, that made for deep, deep lonliness and hurt. I don't want people I love to feel that--ever.

 

I suppose it all depends on your definition of responsibility.

[Murphy101]

There are states that require family members to support their adult relatives rather than giving them governmental assistance. I'd call that a responsibility.

 

 

I would call that beaucratic. Just bc the state mandates something, doesn't make it a responsibility or just. But THAT is absolutely a topic we can't much have here.;)

 

I'd also be curious to know how the state could force an adult to support an adult relative.

[BarbecueMom]

There may not be an official responsibility, but a parent who shuts an adult child out of their life for no reason, other than "because you're 18 and I don't have to have a relationship with you anymore", needs a mental health evaluation. I realize this whole concept was in reference to a previously unknown child (which is more complicated, obviously), but if that standard applies to raised children as well, there would have to be serious issues in one or both parties for that relationship to end.

 

Every parent I know that has severed ties with an adult child (that is not dangerous or needing tough love) has been mentally ill, an addict, or an alcoholic. If there were multiple siblings, the ones who were also ill or addicted became "golden children" and the college-bound kids were shut out.

[Lawana]

I would call that beaucratic. Just bc the state mandates something, doesn't make it a responsibility or just. But THAT is absolutely a topic we can't much have here.;)

 

I'd also be curious to know how the state could force an adult to support an adult relative.

Yeah. I think it's something that is not enforced much.