Almost 16 and has cussed at me twice lately...

[BMW]

The first time was about 6 weeks ago. I went to get him for dinner and I knocked his headphones on the floor and he called me a F#$%ing B!@ch! His dad was out of town. He thought I did it on purpose, but I didn't. Absolutely no reason to call me that, IMO. His dad got onto him about it, said he is to never speak to me that way again....

 

This morning I asked him to wipe up spilled milk and bit of cereal from the table. He wiped the cereal onto the floor, mad because I also asked him to rinse out the dishrag. I asked him to pick the cereal up off the floor and he gets more mad and throws the cereal onto the kitchen floor... I inform him that he is now not going to play with his xbox this week... ask him to pick up the cereal and throw it in the trash, he does, stomps around, dramatically and tells me I am an a$$.

 

Dad is out of town this week. Hmmm.

 

Mother in law tells me to just stop engaging with him. To sit him down and tell him that I am not cleaning up after him, that I am not here to boss him around, that he needs to handle these things in life himself from now on and if he gets into trouble, he can deal with his dad.

 

I do understand not engaging. But, I have to draw the line at being cussed at. I understand I am incapable of controlling anyone but myself.

 

Good grief. Here's another difficult teen comin' down the pike...

 

WWYD? (regarding the son, not the father, please)

 

(FTR, he gets bad grades, but dad is okay with that, I cannot win that one, so I don't even try anymore... he mows the yards and works for neighbors and goes out boating every week with his dad's friend... I cannot stop that activity if I wanted to, his dad will allow it... I can only influence the atmosphere in the home and send him out of the room if he gets rude...)(His dad is a conflict avoider and peaceful man who just thinks everything will always work out on it's own)

[goldberry]

Is this language used in your home in other circumstances (not directed at you)?

 

In our home, we don't use or tolerate that kind of language period, whether or not it is directed at a person. If something like that ever came out of DD's mouth, I would be this :eek: and the consequences would be swift and immediate. There would not have been a first time of "getting on to her". There is absolutely no reason for that language directed at you except complete lack of respect.

 

This is a large problem, not a small one. You (and your husband if he will participate) need to address the issue of respect for you in a serious way. Also, if there is other disrespect happening, that seems to usually be leading up to something like this which is a more extreme sign of it.

[Guest inoubliable]

Whoa. Honestly, if it'd been me, I'd have tossed his d*mn headphones in the trash after that. I don't have any teens (yet), but I did catch my almost 12 year old calling his 7 year old brother "a real a**hole" once. Over the 7yo accidentally knocking down some Lego creation. His Legos went into storage for quite a while after that. We told him that if he couldn't control himself over an accident like that, and refrain from being that rude, then we'd just take away the possibility of that sort of situation coming up again.

 

I wish I had some better advice. :(

[BMW]

No, this language is not used at all in the home. I don't cuss, with the exception of "hell" or "****" maybe once a month. (As in, I get a burn cooking and the word comes out.)

 

He disrespects me by not taking off his shoes and walking on the carpet with them on, even when the others don't do this. He simply doesn't care. I have dealt with it by just saying "no" when he asks me for things.

 

Sigh. This is really not good...

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Honestly, I would have probably would have done something physical to him (pop him in the mouth, smack his head) within a split-second of hearing those words. Just my gut reaction.

 

 

There is no way I deserved to be called such a vile name and we don't call each other names in my home. Period.

 

 

Probably not helpful, but that's what I'd do.

[swellmomma]

.

Edited May 24, 2012 by swellmomma

[swellmomma]

.

Edited May 24, 2012 by swellmomma

[*********]

:001_huh:

 

So, what was the boy's punishemnt for calling you such a vile name? From your post, it seems like he got no punishment at all. Dad telling him not to ever speak to you like that again is NOT a punishment.

 

I'm trying to imagine my 15yo stepson calling me that. (Which is near impossible to imagine, but I'm trying.) The boy would lose more priviledges than he even knew he *had*. And trust me, it wouldn't be ME having the conversation with him. Dh would want to be the one handling the punishment.

[REv1053]

IMO That is NOT ok. Language like that shouldnt be tolerated.

There should be some sort of punishment for the language, but also the disrespectful behavior! Throwing the cereal on the floor is a huge no no.

 

Besides the poor language, you have a disrespect issue. Deal with that, the language will improve with the respect.

[BMW]

His dad "spoke strongly" to him.

 

I've been cussed at by one other child of mine, but the child was intoxicated and going through withdrawals and being forced to get help... totally different set of circumstances...

 

This boy is being allowed to play xbox live and run his mouth something terrible (in his own room) and his dad just isn't seeing what is happening... I took the xbox cord and he wont be getting it back for a very long time, unless his dad tells me I must return it to him...

 

I am also taking his cell phone away when he gets in from school. I will let him take it with him when he leaves in the morning and he'll return it to me when he gets home. He take the city bus to school and back, so his dad wants him to have his cell phone.

 

I'm going to have a talk with him....

 

That's all I can come up with...

[Dustybug]

Is this language used in your home in other circumstances (not directed at you)?

 

In our home, we don't use or tolerate that kind of language period, whether or not it is directed at a person. If something like that ever came out of DD's mouth, I would be this :eek: and the consequences would be swift and immediate. There would not have been a first time of "getting on to her". There is absolutely no reason for that language directed at you except complete lack of respect.

 

This is a large problem, not a small one. You (and your husband if he will participate) need to address the issue of respect for you in a serious way. Also, if there is other disrespect happening, that seems to usually be leading up to something like this which is a more extreme sign of it.

 

:iagree:My DH would have.a.cow. if any of our children EVER even THOUGHT of speaking to me like that! It would be ugly.

 

As for me, I might be inclined (since it is a repeat problem) I would take everything OUT of his room that wasn't nailed down that he didn't pay for himself, leave him a pillow, a blanket, and his mattress until he could learn to live in MY house with a respectful attitude.

 

I'm outraged FOR you. :grouphug:

[Barb_]

:grouphug: It sounds like your husband is undermining you, intentionally or not.

[tex-mex]

:grouphug: It sounds like your husband is undermining you, intentionally or not.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[iamrachelle]

:001_huh:

 

So, what was the boy's punishemnt for calling you such a vile name? From your post, it seems like he got no punishment at all. Dad telling him not to ever speak to you like that again is NOT a punishment.

 

I'm trying to imagine my 15yo stepson calling me that. (Which is near impossible to imagine, but I'm trying.) The boy would lose more priviledges than he even knew he *had*. And trust me, it wouldn't be ME having the conversation with him. Dh would want to be the one handling the punishment.

 

This. Exactly.

[TranquilMind]

:001_huh:

 

So, what was the boy's punishemnt for calling you such a vile name? From your post, it seems like he got no punishment at all. Dad telling him not to ever speak to you like that again is NOT a punishment.

 

I'm trying to imagine my 15yo stepson calling me that. (Which is near impossible to imagine, but I'm trying.) The boy would lose more priviledges than he even knew he *had*. And trust me, it wouldn't be ME having the conversation with him. Dh would want to be the one handling the punishment.

 

Easy to say you'd be tough and take privileges when it isn't happening to you.

 

But honestly, what CAN one actually do today? The kid is probably a foot bigger than her by this point, I'm guessing, if she's an average size Mom. From some kids, you can take every single thing legally permissible, and that kid will just up the ante...refuse meals, leave home, go call CPS and claim abuse.

 

Seriously, all the tough talkers -of which I once was one - what do you and can you ACTUALLY do when you get to this point that the kid is doing this.

 

I used to say, "Why, I'd knock my kid into next week if she ever....(fill in the blank)."

 

Well, she did (not this particular thing the OP mentions, but equal things). I didn't knock her into next week, tempting as it would be to get a week off.

 

So, while I'd like to hear what the OP actually did, I'd also like to hear what all those saying what they would do -or especially if they faced it and DID do something - tell me! All ears.

[bnrmom]

Whoa. Honestly, if it'd been me, I'd have tossed his d*mn headphones in the trash after that. I don't have any teens (yet), but I did catch my almost 12 year old calling his 7 year old brother "a real a**hole" once. Over the 7yo accidentally knocking down some Lego creation. His Legos went into storage for quite a while after that. We told him that if he couldn't control himself over an accident like that, and refrain from being that rude, then we'd just take away the possibility of that sort of situation coming up again.

 

I wish I had some better advice. :(

I do swear more than I should, but never, ever directed at anyone. No one in this house talks that way, and I agree with the above poster. Those headphones would have gone directly into the trash, and he would have been grounded for a week.

[Jilly]

Mother in law tells me to just stop engaging with him. To sit him down and tell him that I am not cleaning up after him, that I am not here to boss him around, that he needs to handle these things in life himself from now on and if he gets into trouble, he can deal with his dad.

 

I know that most would not agree with me, but I actually think this is good advice. I would stop engaging him completely and allow him to figure things out on his own. I would not let the cussing bother me. I would not give a 15-year-old boy that power.

[Trish]

Well people cussing me in my own home is not acceptable. So, if it were to happen I expect an apology. You don't have to get angry. Just get your apology. Don't move on until that happens. If the teen fails to give the apology, I'd get dad involved. Also I would not do anything for him until the apology comes. And honestly, not for your sake, only, but for HIS. If you let it go it will continue. If you let it go, it will probably escalate.

 

I have a 10 and 12 year old right now, so there is no cussing. But there is backtalk. I stop each and every time and have them apologize, or rephrase if they are getting mouthy. Always. Each and every time. The WORLD stops until we deal with the issue. Ours does, anyway. They have learned that it is an annoying interruption of their day if they get too mouthy. It doesn't prevent backtalk, but it has minimized it.

 

In the case of this teen, I would ask dad to unplug everything until this is resolved.

 

Sometimes I say things that I shouldn't. I always apologize. Works both ways!

[Barb_]

I know that most would not agree with me, but I actually think this is good advice. I would stop engaging him completely and allow him to figure things out on his own. I would not let the cussing bother me. I would not give a 15-year-old boy that power.

 

Particularly since Dad isn't really backing you up. Just pull out. Are you teaching him at home?

[Lisa in Jax]

If so, you're off the hook as driver until he acts respectfully. I'd be very clear that I will not drive this child anywhere "optional" until he learns to use polite words and show a LOT of respect. Saying, "No" to a request from a parent = "no" extracurriculars, no rides. NOTHING but safety, food and love.

 

Does he hope to get a driver's license at age 16? In most states, that requires a parent's signature. IMHO, I wouldn't sign it, nor would I want my dh to do so. A child who cannot handle anger (as evidenced by his cursing at you) cannot be trusted to handle a car - what if he gets angry at another driver and does something in anger while driving?

 

The key here, IMO, is to control what you can -- your response to him. Remain as calm as you can, state what you're willing to do (e.g. "I'll be glad to drive you to soccer when you have been polite and respectful to me for 3 days." Repeat ad nauseum.) Lectures won't help. Calm statements and limits might work -- if you and your dh are both on board.

 

Hugs,

 

Lisa

[Barb_]

If so, you're off the hook as driver until he acts respectfully. I'd be very clear that I will not drive this child anywhere "optional" until he learns to use polite words and show a LOT of respect. Saying, "No" to a request from a parent = "no" extracurriculars, no rides. NOTHING but safety, food and love.

 

 

Actually, food is negotiable. Provide the access to food, but there's no reason it must be hot and well-prepared.

[Remudamom]

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I would have engaged. My temper wouldn't have stood for that.

[bnrmom]

Easy to say you'd be tough and take privileges when it isn't happening to you.

 

But honestly, what CAN one actually do today? The kid is probably a foot bigger than her by this point, I'm guessing, if she's an average size Mom. From some kids, you can take every single thing legally permissible, and that kid will just up the ante...refuse meals, leave home, go call CPS and claim abuse.

 

Seriously, all the tough talkers -of which I once was one - what do you and can you ACTUALLY do when you get to this point that the kid is doing this.

 

I used to say, "Why, I'd knock my kid into next week if she ever....(fill in the blank)."

 

Well, she did (not this particular thing the OP mentions, but equal things). I didn't knock her into next week, tempting as it would be to get a week off.

 

So, while I'd like to hear what the OP actually did, I'd also like to hear what all those saying what they would do -or especially if they faced it and DID do something - tell me! All ears.

 

I agree with what you are trying to say, but for me it comes down to "you can't control what the other person does, you can only control how you react." So while the punishments may or may not stop the behavior, it sets a clear boundary about what how you expect to be treated.

 

It is obviously difficult with kids, as opposed to other relationships, because it is the only one you can't walk out on! A friend, a husband, whatever - if they treat you inappropriately, you can end it. But not with a child. However, you have other ways to assert control in the relationship.

 

As my children are getting older I have less and less control over their behavior, but I still get to be very clear that treating me inappropriately has consequences.

 

As an aside, I am a crunchy, "AP" parent who has tried for years to not base our relationship on punishments and control. I really strive for mutual respect, and I would say that for the most part it works, but there are moments when I feel like I have to do my children a favor and stand up and throw down my power. My mom was very wishy washy about making sure she was treated with respect, and I think it did my sister and I a great disservice.

[kolamum]

:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry, but I think you & Dad need a long talk. Dad may be passive & a peacemaker, but things will not work themselves out down the road. If your child is getting bad grades I wouldn't be permitting extras like Xbox or boating trips or anything until he can bring them up.

 

If he uses foul language I'd be removing tv & music that might be influencing his choice of words. He's clearly hearing them somewhere.

 

Either way, I'd most certainly be speaking with dh about the situation. I'd tell him how you feel disrespected in more then one area & praise your dh for all the good things he does. Then ask him to help you find a solution for your child.

[Remudamom]

Well, if she can't stand up for herself physically against the kid, and the dad won't help, I'd call the police.

[justLisa]

Well, if she can't stand up for herself physically against the kid, and the dad won't help, I'd call the police.

 

Across the street from my parents mother did this. The kid was out of control, and now he in a forced rehab. The mom called the police when he scared her, and she didn't know what he would do. He was using big time and they finally had enough.

[Unicorn.]

I know you are in a difficult situation, being as this is step ds, and your dh won't do anything other than talk to him. With that said, it's time to get tough, even if dh isn't on board. Taking away x-box cord is a good start. HOWEVER, you said you would give it back if dh told you to...umm, no. Time to stand up for yourself, and tell dh that his kid is disrespecting you, and you will not tolerate it. You came up w/ the punishment, and you get to decide when he gets it back. Period. The kid needs to apologize, and tell him if he doesn't respect you, then he gets nothing from you. I agree w/ posters who say no rides, no cooked meals, etc. And make him wash his own dishes. If he doesn't then leave the ones he uses and lock up or hide the clean ones. Really.

 

And to the poster who doesn't think you can stand up to a teen and punish him, think again. My ds is 6'2" and I don't back down when he thinks he can intimidate me. I pay for the phone, therefore I can take it away. I don't have to cook for you; feel free to help yourself to peanut butter and an apple. You want your laundry done, the washer is over there. They aren't entitled to anything other than a safe shelter, and food. If they don't like it, "There's the door, feel free to leave when you turn 16 buddy".

[happyhomemaker25]

If so, you're off the hook as driver until he acts respectfully. I'd be very clear that I will not drive this child anywhere "optional" until he learns to use polite words and show a LOT of respect. Saying, "No" to a request from a parent = "no" extracurriculars, no rides. NOTHING but safety, food and love.

 

Does he hope to get a driver's license at age 16? In most states, that requires a parent's signature. IMHO, I wouldn't sign it, nor would I want my dh to do so. A child who cannot handle anger (as evidenced by his cursing at you) cannot be trusted to handle a car - what if he gets angry at another driver and does something in anger while driving?

 

The key here, IMO, is to control what you can -- your response to him. Remain as calm as you can, state what you're willing to do (e.g. "I'll be glad to drive you to soccer when you have been polite and respectful to me for 3 days." Repeat ad nauseum.) Lectures won't help. Calm statements and limits might work -- if you and your dh are both on board.

 

Hugs,

 

Lisa

 

My oldest daughter turned 15 this year. She should be going to get her restricted permit, unfortunately because of attitude and respect problems she has to wait a year. She has a year to prove she can respect us and follow our rules which are quiet simple really.

If she can't respect and obey this year she'll be waiting another year.

When she was 12 and 13 she was not allowed to go anywhere for months at a time because of her lack of respect.

That being said, she has never said anything like that to me. None of our kids have. I really can't imagine what would happen, but I know DH would not tolerate it one bit.

She got mad at knocked a drink out of my hand one time because I told her to do something. DH made her clean it up and she had to sit at the dining room table until she wrote a one page apology letter to me stating what she did wrong, why it was wrong and that she was sorry. She sat there almost the whole day. When it was time to eat DH told her I was not making her any food. She was allowed to go into the kitchen make a peanut butter sandwhich and a glass of water.

[Lisbeth]

:iagree:My DH would have.a.cow. if any of our children EVER even THOUGHT of speaking to me like that! It would be ugly.

 

As for me, I might be inclined (since it is a repeat problem) I would take everything OUT of his room that wasn't nailed down that he didn't pay for himself, leave him a pillow, a blanket, and his mattress until he could learn to live in MY house with a respectful attitude.

 

I'm outraged FOR you. :grouphug:

 

This. I would strip everything but the mattress. He could earn all the extras back over several weeks by showing respect. There is just no way. No way in any shape or form I would put up with that behavior.

[besroma]

This. I would strip everything but the mattress. He could earn all the extras back over several weeks by showing respect. There is just no way. No way in any shape or form I would put up with that behavior.

 

This. I would also require a letter of apology before I cooked for him again...or washed his clothes .......or picked up after him......

[dirty ethel rackham]

His dad "spoke strongly" to him.

 

This boy is being allowed to play xbox live and run his mouth something terrible (in his own room) and his dad just isn't seeing what is happening... I took the xbox cord and he wont be getting it back for a very long time, unless his dad tells me I must return it to him...

 

Ummm ... in this house, the xbox would be gone PERMANENTLY and nobody (husband or not) would be allowed to tell me I must return it.

 

This is a serious case of disrespect that has tacit approval from his father. Talking strongly but not following that up with action is just like saying "Go ahead. I don't care if you treat your mother like crap. We'll go have some fun and leave the missus to stew in her own juices." I would stand for that ... not one bit.

 

I would be putting my foot down and telling all that there will be no more cussing and there will be groundings that will be enforced.

[Lisa in Jax]

Easy to say you'd be tough and take privileges when it isn't happening to you.

 

But honestly, what CAN one actually do today? The kid is probably a foot bigger than her by this point, I'm guessing, if she's an average size Mom. From some kids, you can take every single thing legally permissible, and that kid will just up the ante...refuse meals, leave home, go call CPS and claim abuse.

 

Seriously, all the tough talkers -of which I once was one - what do you and can you ACTUALLY do when you get to this point that the kid is doing this.

 

I used to say, "Why, I'd knock my kid into next week if she ever....(fill in the blank)."

 

Well, she did (not this particular thing the OP mentions, but equal things). I didn't knock her into next week, tempting as it would be to get a week off.

 

So, while I'd like to hear what the OP actually did, I'd also like to hear what all those saying what they would do -or especially if they faced it and DID do something - tell me! All ears.

 

Been there, done it. The child in question had been adopted from an orphanage and had serious conduct issues. I took back control and she lost all privileges -- tv, extracurriculars, phone (landline; she had no cell), computer use -- everything but going into our yard (not down the street) and reading. At one point, she lost the privilege of locking her door (I reversed the handle). For a while, she lost the privilege of hanging out in the main living areas of the house b/c she was so rude and disrespectful. She had the choice of being polite or being in her room, and being polite was too hard sometimes.

 

Once, she ran away from home b/c I wouldn't allow her to wear a bunch of makeup (she was 12 at the time). The police had to be called to bring her home, b/c she refused to get into the car with us. When we got home, the policeman calmly told her that she appeared to have a great family who cared enough to give her rules, structure and a loving home, and that he thought we were great. It totally took the wind out of her sails, and she didn't try to run away again.

 

I understand your point, but the PARENTS have control, not the kids. If a child is being rude or disrespectful, you begin to retain control by keeping their lives simple and small. You can't keep a child from cursing at you, but you can refuse to provide anything more than the basics -- safety, food and love. If your child is particularly likely to report you, get your counselor or pediatrician to write a letter about what you're doing to cover your bottom.

 

BTW, I agree with Barb F. -- the food doesn't have to be hot or prepared by mom. B/c our kids had been malnourished before adoption, we avoided making food an issue and we chose to allow the child to eat the meals I was already preparing for the rest of the family. I wasn't willing to become a short-order cook for a disrespectful child, though, and if s/he was being particularly rude, s/he sometimes did not eat at the table with the rest of the family.

 

Lisa

[BMW]

I sat the boy down and made him sit, feet forward, paying attention and interacting during the discussion...

 

We went over the scenario... he had to admit, in his own words, that it was his responsibility to clean up after himself and that he overreacted. He gave some excuses for the speech problem, but realized that it simply was inexcusable.

 

We sat here in the living room for well over an hour, him being required to think through things and respond. I asked him to talk about how he feels about me... he had a VERY hard time with that. I asked him to tell me three things that he remembers that were good times between us. He did. I told him things that I like about him. Then I asked him, "When I come in from work, do you think, 'Oh, no, mom is home...'" he said, "No, I don't think anything at all. It doesn't matter to me whether you are here or not." BINGO. I had him evaluate that for some time and realize that in all honesty, he just doesn't care about me. I am not taking that personally... it's just simply the way it is. But, he can see that is an area we need to work on...

 

Anyway, a lot more was discussed...

 

I gave him the option for his punishment... He lost the xbox cord for an undetermined amount of time (I will decide later) due to his uncooperation over cleaning up after himself... The cussing took place as he walked out the door... So, it requires an additional consequence.

 

I let him choose 1) mow the front and back yards, water the gardens thoroughly, eat dinner and go to bed, no cell phone, no electronics period. or 2)hand the cell phone over, outside of school hours, for the next 3 days. He picked option #1. If this happens again, I will require him to hand the phone over each day when he gets in from school for a month... then go from there. Summer will be here and he'll hate losing the phone. (As mentioned, he takes the city bus and we want him to have the cell phone for going back and forth to school.)(He has dyslexia and adhd and I tried homeschooling him but it was too frustrating for both of us).

 

Anyway, he is busy outside now...

[Dustybug]

Actually, food is negotiable. Provide the access to food, but there's no reason it must be hot and well-prepared.

 

:iagree:

 

Well, if she can't stand up for herself physically against the kid, and the dad won't help, I'd call the police.

 

:iagree:In a heartbeat. I have a ZERO tolerance for any of that kind of nonsense. I dealt with it as a child and will NOT put up with it as an adult, no matter who it is coming from.

 

And I might add, that CPS or not, if my son was larger or stronger than me(and was 16 which is quite near to an adult) and in ANY way tried to physically intimidate or threaten me, my DH would not hesitate to do what he had to do to put an end to it. Some people might not like that, but DH would gladly suffer the consequences to protect me. He would probably have more than a "strong" conversation with him.

 

DH tells me a story of once when he was a young teen how he got in my MIL's face about something and when his dad came home from work and found out about it, his dad confronted him INHISFACE about it and told him in no uncertain terms that if he was going to act like he was a man, he would be treated like a man when it came to things like that. It left an impression and DH said he never spoke to his mom like that again, even when he was angry. My FIL is not a hostile or overly aggressive personality either neither is my DH unless you threaten his family.

 

I know you are in a difficult situation, being as this is step ds, and your dh won't do anything other than talk to him. With that said, it's time to get tough, even if dh isn't on board. Taking away x-box cord is a good start. HOWEVER, you said you would give it back if dh told you to...umm, no. Time to stand up for yourself, and tell dh that his kid is disrespecting you, and you will not tolerate it. You came up w/ the punishment, and you get to decide when he gets it back. Period. The kid needs to apologize, and tell him if he doesn't respect you, then he gets nothing from you. I agree w/ posters who say no rides, no cooked meals, etc. And make him wash his own dishes. If he doesn't then leave the ones he uses and lock up or hide the clean ones. Really.

 

".

 

 

:iagree:

 

Is this your stepson? I might have missed that. I can see how it would be harder to crack down if it isn't your biological child, but still something needs to be done. Quite frankly, if DH had another child that was mistreating me and he didn't nip it in the bud, I'd have SERIOUS issues with DH.

[Barb_]

I sat the boy down and made him sit, feet forward, paying attention and interacting during the discussion...

.

 

Nice job, Bee.

[fairfarmhand]

Sounds like you had a good discussion. Now it is time to have one with Dad.

 

Of course this boy is his son. Although you and Dad know that Dad is a peacemaker at all costs, boy looks at it like Dad is a weenie and doesn't care what I do when he's not here.

 

I would be tempted to tell my husband that if consequences for this behavior are not put in place he is giving the boy the message that it is not all that bad to speak to someone like that. If Dad still doesn't impose consequences, I'd try to work it out that I would not be there or son would not be there if Dad is out of town. If I had to go visit out of town relatives during those trips and let Dad figure out how to manage son, then so be it. I would not stay someplace where a young man was able to verbally abuse me with no consequences.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I sat the boy down and made him sit, feet forward, paying attention and interacting during the discussion...

 

We went over the scenario... he had to admit, in his own words, that it was his responsibility to clean up after himself and that he overreacted. He gave some excuses for the speech problem, but realized that it simply was inexcusable.

 

We sat here in the living room for well over an hour, him being required to think through things and respond. I asked him to talk about how he feels about me... he had a VERY hard time with that. I asked him to tell me three things that he remembers that were good times between us. He did. I told him things that I like about him. Then I asked him, "When I come in from work, do you think, 'Oh, no, mom is home...'" he said, "No, I don't think anything at all. It doesn't matter to me whether you are here or not." BINGO. I had him evaluate that for some time and realize that in all honesty, he just doesn't care about me. I am not taking that personally... it's just simply the way it is. But, he can see that is an area we need to work on...

 

Anyway, a lot more was discussed...

 

I gave him the option for his punishment... He lost the xbox cord for an undetermined amount of time (I will decide later) due to his uncooperation over cleaning up after himself... The cussing took place as he walked out the door... So, it requires an additional consequence.

 

I let him choose 1) mow the front and back yards, water the gardens thoroughly, eat dinner and go to bed, no cell phone, no electronics period. or 2)hand the cell phone over, outside of school hours, for the next 3 days. He picked option #1. If this happens again, I will require him to hand the phone over each day when he gets in from school for a month... then go from there. Summer will be here and he'll hate losing the phone. (As mentioned, he takes the city bus and we want him to have the cell phone for going back and forth to school.)(He has dyslexia and adhd and I tried homeschooling him but it was too frustrating for both of us).

 

Anyway, he is busy outside now...

 

Good.

 

One comment - to me (and this might be exacerbated by my own background) those words are more than simply cussing (like saying the s- word or the f-word.) They are abusive words and I would not tolerate being abused.

[Heather in Neverland]

Easy to say you'd be tough and take privileges when it isn't happening to you.

 

But honestly, what CAN one actually do today? The kid is probably a foot bigger than her by this point, I'm guessing, if she's an average size Mom. From some kids, you can take every single thing legally permissible, and that kid will just up the ante...refuse meals, leave home, go call CPS and claim abuse.

 

Seriously, all the tough talkers -of which I once was one - what do you and can you ACTUALLY do when you get to this point that the kid is doing this.

 

I used to say, "Why, I'd knock my kid into next week if she ever....(fill in the blank)."

 

Well, she did (not this particular thing the OP mentions, but equal things). I didn't knock her into next week, tempting as it would be to get a week off.

 

So, while I'd like to hear what the OP actually did, I'd also like to hear what all those saying what they would do -or especially if they faced it and DID do something - tell me! All ears.

 

1. My ds turns 14 this week. He has never spoken like that. He has never even cussed around me much less at me. If he did, and my dh was not there to handle it, I would simply smile and go about my business because when my dh got home, whether it was that day or a week later, he would take my ds to the woodshed and take care of business. And my dh is a big man. He will not let ANYONE disrespect his wife including his own son. While my ds has never cussed at me, he HAS spoken quite disrespectfully to me and I DID slap his face just like I said I would and I don't care what anyone thinks of me for it. My son's reaction? He apologized for the way he spoke.

 

2. While it (the cussing) has not happened TO me...I WAS the rebellious teen and I DID say that same phrase to my mother at that same age and my father was not at home. What did she do? She slapped me across the face, hard. Then she made me wait a YEAR longer to get my driver's license (It happened right before I was supposed to start driver's ed. She refused to pay for the classes and made me wait until the following summer). I can tell you that I NEVER spoke like that to her again.

 

.

[Hot Lava Mama]

No way! He would INSTANTLY lose everything! Including his door to his bedroom.

 

Just a mattress on the floor with sheets, one pair of pants, one shirt, one pair of underwear. That's it. Everything else would have to be earned back.

 

Ugh. I wish you luck. This is a big deal.

Hot Lava Mama

[ilovemy4kids]

Bee,

 

:grouphug: I don't have much advice, only hugs and prayers. In addition to a complete lack of respect, my gut says that this boy is begging for attention. NOT saying he doesn't get it already! Please don't take it that way.... wish you could hear my voice, I hate typing because the written words don't have feeling. I only say that because dad is out of town when this happens. It may not even be you he is angry with, but dad. It could be coming out sideways.

 

I probably would have popped him one if he said that to me. Remembering when my grown daughter tried this........anyway, that' me and not you. Perhaps when he is in a better mood, the two of you could go alone for a soda, sit and and talk about this incident. Ask him why he feels he can speak to you this way. Try to get to the root. However, I would suggest you purposefully prepare yourself and determine that no matter what he says, you will not be reactionary. He could try to push your buttons.... anyway, that's my 2 cents, not in any way qualified to give advice, advice!

 

Again, I will pray for this situation.

 

Sandra

[LillyMama]

Although you and Dad know that Dad is a peacemaker at all costs, boy looks at it like Dad is a weenie and doesn't care what I do when he's not here.

 

:iagree:

 

I would like to add that there is a difference between peace-keeping and peace-making. Your husband is a peace-keeper, and that's great if there is already peace to keep. But in this case, he needs to step up and be a peace-maker. That work is not always a quiet process- the end result is peace but the pathway is not peaceful.

 

I'm sorry for your struggle, but it sounds like you are handling it very well. Your talk with him sounds beautiful.

[4everHis]

:iagree:My DH would have.a.cow. if any of our children EVER even THOUGHT of speaking to me like that! It would be ugly.

 

As for me, I might be inclined (since it is a repeat problem) I would take everything OUT of his room that wasn't nailed down that he didn't pay for himself, leave him a pillow, a blanket, and his mattress until he could learn to live in MY house with a respectful attitude.

 

I'm outraged FOR you. :grouphug:

 

This sounds like a plan to me. The xbox would no longer exist.

[1pageatatime]

The first thing that came to mind, was to strip his room and the house of anything remotely his or enjoyable.

 

Next, haul his bum down for a drug/alcohol test.

 

Then, get him into counseling. Specifically, anger management.

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing such verbal abuse. You do realize that is what it is? We're talking about an almost grown man-boy, swearing at his mom.

 

Behavior like that=loss of ALL freedom, privileges, etc..

 

Bed him.

Feed him.

Clothe him.

 

Not anything else, until he shows true remorse and a 180 in attitude.

 

If not, think of the HUSBAND he'll one day be.

[albeto]

I think the language is the least of your concern. Honestly, we swear a lot in this house. They're just words, never weapons. Putting your foot down here is likely only going to continue whatever dysfunctional family dance you've been engaged in for years. It hasn't worked yet, likely it won't work this time either.

 

I'm sorry. I hope you can figure out how to get along.

Edited May 24, 2012 by albeto

[Amy in NH]

I know you are in a difficult situation, being as this is step ds, and your dh won't do anything other than talk to him. With that said, it's time to get tough, even if dh isn't on board. Taking away x-box cord is a good start. HOWEVER, you said you would give it back if dh told you to...umm, no. Time to stand up for yourself, and tell dh that his kid is disrespecting you, and you will not tolerate it. You came up w/ the punishment, and you get to decide when he gets it back. Period. The kid needs to apologize, and tell him if he doesn't respect you, then he gets nothing from you. I agree w/ posters who say no rides, no cooked meals, etc. And make him wash his own dishes. If he doesn't then leave the ones he uses and lock up or hide the clean ones. Really.

 

And to the poster who doesn't think you can stand up to a teen and punish him, think again. My ds is 6'2" and I don't back down when he thinks he can intimidate me. I pay for the phone, therefore I can take it away. I don't have to cook for you; feel free to help yourself to peanut butter and an apple. You want your laundry done, the washer is over there. They aren't entitled to anything other than a safe shelter, and food. If they don't like it, "There's the door, feel free to leave when you turn 16 buddy".

 

:iagree: You are letting them both get away with this, and it's only teaching your younger children that is how you expect to be treated.

[Nakia]

A couple of months ago, when Anna was having one of her rages, she screamed at me, "SHUT UP, YOU JERK!!" I simply ignored her, but when I told Patrick that evening, he spanked her and told her she will never speak to his wife that way again. I know lots of people here don't agree with spanking, and we are family that spanks very rarely (and Patrick has spanked the girls less than a handful of times each in their whole life). Neither Patrick nor I ever thought we would spank an almost teenage girl. But she hasn't said that again. And she better never cuss me like that. I will slap her face, I'm sure. Blast me all you want. I will not tolerate it. I understand you have a boy, and it's different with boys. But still, you can't let it go.

 

I'm glad you talked to him, BMW. I hope your husband will get on board with the plan.

[TranquilMind]

I know that most would not agree with me, but I actually think this is good advice. I would stop engaging him completely and allow him to figure things out on his own. I would not let the cussing bother me. I would not give a 15-year-old boy that power.

 

This is wise advice, and I know it's true.

 

I just personally can't accomplish not engaging every single time. Once in awhile, I blow. It doesn't help, but one can only take so much.

[tampamommy]

Vile language = "just words?"

 

Hmmm...

 

Then would it be acceptable to talk like that to an employer?

 

How about a policeman?

 

How about a judge?

 

How about a college admissions officer who is going to decide whether or not you're accepted?

 

How about the bank personnel when you apply for a mortgage?

 

Our culture likes to believe profanity is "just words." In reality, our language reflects not only our education and our vocabulary level, but more importantly, who we really are - our real character.

 

:grouphug: to the OP.

[mytwomonkeys]

I sat the boy down and made him sit, feet forward, paying attention and interacting during the discussion...

 

We went over the scenario... he had to admit, in his own words, that it was his responsibility to clean up after himself and that he overreacted. He gave some excuses for the speech problem, but realized that it simply was inexcusable.

 

We sat here in the living room for well over an hour, him being required to think through things and respond. I asked him to talk about how he feels about me... he had a VERY hard time with that. I asked him to tell me three things that he remembers that were good times between us. He did. I told him things that I like about him. Then I asked him, "When I come in from work, do you think, 'Oh, no, mom is home...'" he said, "No, I don't think anything at all. It doesn't matter to me whether you are here or not." BINGO. I had him evaluate that for some time and realize that in all honesty, he just doesn't care about me. I am not taking that personally... it's just simply the way it is. But, he can see that is an area we need to work on...

 

Anyway, a lot more was discussed...

 

I gave him the option for his punishment... He lost the xbox cord for an undetermined amount of time (I will decide later) due to his uncooperation over cleaning up after himself... The cussing took place as he walked out the door... So, it requires an additional consequence.

 

I let him choose 1) mow the front and back yards, water the gardens thoroughly, eat dinner and go to bed, no cell phone, no electronics period. or 2)hand the cell phone over, outside of school hours, for the next 3 days. He picked option #1. If this happens again, I will require him to hand the phone over each day when he gets in from school for a month... then go from there. Summer will be here and he'll hate losing the phone. (As mentioned, he takes the city bus and we want him to have the cell phone for going back and forth to school.)(He has dyslexia and adhd and I tried homeschooling him but it was too frustrating for both of us).

 

Anyway, he is busy outside now...

 

:grouphug: i think you ended up handling it well.

[Tree House Academy]

I didn't read all of the comments on this thread. Is this your step-son or your birth son? They way you are having off/deferring to "dad" made me think maybe it was a step-child.

 

I hate to say this, but I mean it. If my son EVER called me what your son called you, I would be hard pressed not to knock him out. That won't be popular, but I will be darned if my child will EVER call me that. His dad, my ex-husband, called me that frequently and history will NOT repeat itself.

 

My husband would likely spend a night in jail if one of my kids talked to me that way. There are some things that just aren't tolerated at all and that is one of them. That and a child hitting me...or dh. Those are MAJOR signs that a kid is heading in the wrong direction and that there is a severe lack of respect for the adults in his life.

 

I am sorry this happened to you. :(