How many true friends do you have IRL?

[JLocke41]

My friend and I were discussing this the other day and we both agree when couples have kids, they don't have much time for outside friendships. Maybe 1-3 true friends as opposed to hundreds of Facebook "friends".

 

Personally, I only have 2 people I could really bare my soul to. The rest are just acquaintances.

 

How many true friends do you have in real life?

[melissad2]

3

[Ellie]

Well, there are about three women that I knew from the first instant we met that we were true friends forever.

 

There are a couple more that grew into the true friend relationship over time.

 

There are a number of others I consider closer than acquaintances, but are not in the true friendes category.

 

And I didn't know any of them when I was in school. All of them I met after Mr. Ellie and I were married and had children. :)

 

Also, I haven't lived in the same city with the first group of women since 1987, nor the others since 2004. IOW, none of my true friends live near enough to me to go out to lunch with. Thank goodness for modern technology!

[Gentlemommy]

3. A few more I know from HS coop, we see each other weekly, but don't really call each other during the week.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have about 5 really close friends. I don't see them all the time. All of them have known me for at least 20 years, and one of them for 37 years. I think they know my soul pretty well. Outside of them, I have others that I would consider friends and not just acquaintances. They just don't share quite that same kindred spirit as the really close ones. So I'm more selective on what soul baring I do with them!

 

P.S. - Since my eldest is only 14, I've had all of my close friends from before I had kids and having kids hasn't changed a thing.

[MariannNOVA]

Honestly, right now, none. Really.

 

(2) I can call on in an emergency...no one I would bare my soul to.

[newlifemom]

Honestly, right now, none. Really.

 

(2) I can call on in an emergency...no one I would bare my soul to.

 

:grouphug:

 

I wish lived closer to you. I would be a true friend if you wanted. :D

 

 

I have a couple but again, no one really close to me. Like Ellie, I too am grateful for modern technology.

[LaxMom]

I have 2 very close friends. Others are social friends - I enjoy their company, we have lively debates/conversations, and we know each other pretty well, but I wouldn't lay my soul bare before them.

 

Eta: that doesn't count my husband, who is truly my best, closest most enduring friend.

Edited May 19, 2012 by MyCrazyHouse

[JLocke41]

Honestly, right now, none. Really.

 

(2) I can call on in an emergency...no one I would bare my soul to.

Ouch..I think every person needs AT LEAST 1 person. I was in your position before so I can relate. Having 1 person to really talk to on anything really helps. Maybe there's someone you can spend more time with to become a true friend?

[Bluegoat]

Four or maybe five. These are people I've known for a long long time. And not necessarily people that I regularly bare my soul to, but I could. They are all people I met in university. I've recently become friends with a few more women, mostly with kids around the ages mine are. Some of them I could talk to if I really needed to, but we haven't been intimate that way so far. If the right conditions arose I think some of them would be real kindred spirits though.

 

In a way though I think it is, in part, the need to talk about those kinds of things that creates that intimacy, yk? My university friends are people I shared a somewhat turbulent and exciting period of life with, we talked a lot about new ideas and really everything. Several of them I lived with. And we all dealt with each other in our less than great moments and had to forgive each other for things. So in a way, they have become more like family than just friends.

 

The more recent friends are just not in the same sort of situation. We have less time, we don't live together, we're probably a lot more mature and able to deal with issues, we have spouses who are the usual support when we need it.

 

I think in this kind of situation it is hard to build the same kind of intimate friendships quickly as we can when we are younger.

[jenangelcat]

Honestly, right now, none. Really.

 

(2) I can call on in an emergency...no one I would bare my soul to.

 

:iagree: But change right now, none to never. I've been burned by enough women to know better than to bare my soul to anyone (other than dh).

[Jean in Newcastle]

Four or maybe five. These are people I've known for a long long time. And not necessarily people that I regularly bare my soul to, but I could. They are all people I met in university. I've recently become friends with a few more women, mostly with kids around the ages mine are. Some of them I could talk to if I really needed to, but we haven't been intimate that way so far. If the right conditions arose I think some of them would be real kindred spirits though.

 

In a way though I think it is, in part, the need to talk about those kinds of things that creates that intimacy, yk? My university friends are people I shared a somewhat turbulent and exciting period of life with, we talked a lot about new ideas and really everything. Several of them I lived with. And we all dealt with each other in our less than great moments and had to forgive each other for things. So in a way, they have become more like family than just friends.

 

The more recent friends are just not in the same sort of situation. We have less time, we don't live together, we're probably a lot more mature and able to deal with issues, we have spouses who are the usual support when we need it.

 

I think in this kind of situation it is hard to build the same kind of intimate friendships quickly as we can when we are younger.

 

You make some very good points. Out of my 5 really close friends, I've lived with 4 of them at the very end of college and for the years immediately after college. They've been through some really traumatic times with me. And the one I didn't live with, was at boarding school with me - not actually living with me in the dorm, but she too was privy to what was a very difficult time in my life. And it isn't one sided. I've been there through tough times for them too.

[DawnM]

I have three best friends. We grew up together in Africa and went to boarding school together. We have all known each other for for over 30 years.

 

Thank God for internet and cell phones and airplanes. We don't live near each other, but we see each other as often as is possible.

 

I have local friends too and I am thankful for them, but my childhood friends are and will always be my closest.

 

Dawn

[lmrich]

3 - my college roommate is among them... old bonds hold tight. The other two I have known for 8 years. They are the moms of my youngest dd's friends. It is a bonus we are close too.

 

I am very close to my sister and my mom as well.

 

And I can tell my dog anything.

[MariannNOVA]

:iagree: But change right now, none to never. I've been burned by enough women to know better than to bare my soul to anyone (other than dh).

 

Yup...[/quote)

 

I must agree -- this time last year I was actively and happily cultivating a friendship with another woman -- homeschooler, intelligent, funny, involved; our husbands got/get along great, our kids got along great...it was amazing that I finally was friends with another woman. I wasn't about to bare my soul to her or anyone else, and she wasn't about to bare her soul to me, but it was a very very nice, fun, enjoyable friendship that did indeed add alot of positives to dh's and my life.

 

'Something' happened. I have no clue what -- I have my suspicions...and there were two other women who did not like the inroads I was making with 'their' friend.

 

And that was the end of that -- long story short, there was an email that I received, and I was terribly hurt, and responded as someone who was hurt. This was in October.

 

DH and I have made more than a few attempts to mend fences -- her husband is clueless and clearly doesn't understand why the four of us aren't the way we used to be, and I have long since given up on the whole thing.

 

So - no, no soul baring except to dh who is the person with whom I am best friends anyway. Truth be told, I didn't need to be kicked in the teeth by this person -- I honestly wish I had not pursued a friendship with her.

 

And, oh, I am a good friend -- I don't get why she treated it all so shabbily.

 

I know that the two women are probably wtm boardies and if they aren't, they are friends with boardies.

 

So, no problem here -- I will go to the ends of the earth for someone who needs my help -- I would never turn down someone who needed me to do something for them, but I will not ever pursue or enter into 'that' kind of friendship again.

[Dandelion]

The "bare your soul to" type? I have 3. They're all amazing women, and I know I can tell them anything and they'll still love me and be there for me. I've been friends with two of them for 5 years, and the other for 3 years.

 

I'm friends with several other women, who I occasionally have dinner with (mostly former colleagues from my corporate job days). A few of us from that group went on a girl's weekend to Vail a few months ago. But I'm more guarded about what I share with them. I also don't invest as much into those relationships (in terms of keeping up with their lives, etc.).

 

I feel very fortunate to also have a wonderful, close relationship with my mom - we have soul-baring conversations all the time. :tongue_smilie: DH and I have a great marriage, but he's not as good of a listener as my mom and friends...;)

[MariannNOVA]

:grouphug:

 

I wish lived closer to you. I would be a true friend if you wanted. :D

 

 

I have a couple but again, no one really close to me. Like Ellie, I too am grateful for modern technology.

 

 

That's such a nice thing to say!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am a good true friend.:)

[5 Hikers]

Well, I will bare my soul to anybody so I can't judge my real friends based on that. I just don't do fake, even polite society fake. If you ask me how I am doing I will tell you how I really am doing and not a pat answer. Other than betrayal my feelings aren't easily hurt so I dont worry about giving people ammunition. I can freely laugh at my own faults and failures. I like who I am. I am an open book.

 

I would say that I have 3 True friends because these 3 are the ones who always tell me like it is whether I want to really hear it or not.

 

I have many more people that I know care for me and would help me out in a heartbeat.

[Parrothead]

Two.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I have 2 really close friends that I could tell anything to, and they'd drop everything to help me out if I needed it. I consider them my best friends.

 

I have 2 more friends that I consider very, very close and know I could count of them if I really needed them.

 

I have a group of mom friends from when my kids were in preschool. We still get together regularly and help each other out when needed. This is the group that will organize food if there is a death in the family or someone is in the hospital. This is the group that gave me all their old baby stuff when I started babysitting this winter. I know I could call any of them in the middle of the night to come and sit with my kids if I needed them. We all know we are a lucky group to have maintained this friendship.

 

I feel very, very fortunate in my friendships.

[Wheres Toto]

Bare my soul friends? None. I have one that I can talk to about most things but we hardly see each other and are at different places right now.

 

I can share anything with dh, with my mother, and a lot of things with my oldest dd. These are also who I am most likely to make plans to do things with - movies, dinner, shopping, etc.

 

I have a few acquaintances that I talk to at different activities, can get together with the kids.

[----]

.

[Perry]

Zero. But it doesn't have anything to do with having kids.

[KRG]

other than my husband-1. We have been friends since we were 12, so almost 30 years. I thought I had found another true friend but it turns out that our friendship couldn't survive. I think we have been reduced to 'liking' each others fb statuses.

[nmoira]

At the moment it feels like none.

 

ETA (I read more of the thread): Except for my tiny cat (she's often mistaken for a kitten). She'll curl up on my chest and purr as long as necessary. I do appreciate that.

Edited May 20, 2012 by nmoira

[twoxcell]

Well my true friends list includes;

1 Friend

My Mom

My sister

2 Double Cousins

and my Aunt

[Heather in Neverland]

Honestly, right now, none. Really.

 

(2) I can call on in an emergency...no one I would bare my soul to.

 

Well, maybe we can change that in July. :D. :grouphug:

[lllll]

...

[Danestress]

I am not sure I consider "bearing my soul" as a definition of what it means to be a friend.

 

I have maybe five friends who I believe are sort of "with me" on this journey through life. A couple live near me - the rest do not. I think what makes me feel someone is a real friend vs. just someone I pal around with is that they stay friends despite changes in circumstances. So when the kids no longer homeschool or we don't see each other at soccer practice or one of us moves away from the church (or our home town) the friendship endures because it wasn't about proximity and ease. Does that make sense?

 

I do tend to think that women who have sisters have less need of friends, though, or at least less need for major confiding. In the end, if I really really need to share something personal, I will probably choose a sister.

[happymomofboys]

None.

 

I realized a few years after I quit my job and became a SAHM that I never really had any friends. I had many people throughout my life with whom I shared an experience (friends from school, friends from work) who occasionally shared an outside interest (going out to dinner, shopping, sharing books, and in my younger days, clubbing). But once my experience changed and my interests changed, we had nothing in common and they slowly drifted out of my life. Now each of them is just another face on my facebook feed. And that's okay.

 

I think a few of them would be there for me emotionally if I was having a crisis, just as I would be there for them, but I wouldn't bare my soul to them. My husband and my mom are my go-to people for that.

[PollyOR]

Family - my sister and my mom.

 

Not family? None...and I'm okay with that. Really. :)

[greenvneck]

I have two "body" friends (as in, "Sure, I'll help you bury the body"), though both have moved 3-6 hours away in the last couple years. We still manage to see each other at least every 2-3 months for several days at a time and talk/text every day, usually multiple times. I have a fairly large circle (15ish) of close friends; we know intimate details of each others' lives and communicate via an email list, texts, calls, spontaneous "let's get a drink" evenings, MNO every Sunday night (we are in the same homeschooling group, have known each other for years, and go away for a weekend together at least 1-2x a year), and then there are the friends who are more than acquaintances but not necessarily privy to the details, IYKWIM. I would say there are a handful of those; we are close enough to call upon each other in an emergency and if we saw each other at a pub or coffeeshop would sit together and gab, but if I needed to vent about something, that wouldn't be who I would want to talk to.

 

Honestly, it took years for me to have "mom" friends. We had our twins when we were 19 years old, so I really had nothing in common with other moms with kids the same ages as mine. Once we started homeschooling, though, when the girls were in 3rd grade, it was like I had found my tribe. I feel incredibly blessed to have such a strong group of like-minded mamas who are kindred spirits and even luckier to have my two BFFs, who I would trust not only with my life, but with my kids' lives.

[Mommyfaithe]

Honestly, right now, none. Really.

 

(2) I can call on in an emergency...no one I would bare my soul to.

 

Me too. I am very careful about the soul baring.....btdt....finished with that!

 

I find it much easier to bare my soul here where no one has a vested interest in the support they give....so I find it much more honest.

 

 

I don't miss not having close friends other than my husband and kids....

[sassenach]

I have more than I thought, now that I think of it. I have 3 that are top tier, know everything about me, good, bad, ugly. 2 live in Florida (where I lived for 8 years), 1 is a childhood friend. One of those women rises slightly above the other 2 and I would call her my best friend. Then I have 3 more that are second tier, local friends. I feel like I could say pretty much anything to them, but we just haven't had the time to develop our friendships the way I have with the others. Maybe given enough years we'll get there. In the meantime, I truly appreciate phone, facebook and email.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think what makes me feel someone is a real friend vs. just someone I pal around with is that they stay friends despite changes in circumstances.

 

I agree with this too. You know, of my close friends, I think we've maybe had total soul baring only a couple of times in the 20 plus years we've been friends. But we're "real" with each other. I can say exactly what I think and so can they. We don't always agree with each other but it doesn't matter. We aren't competing with each other. We're just there. I don't see some of these friends for a year at a time but when we do see each other it is as if no time has passed at all. These friends understand me. They know my soul without me having to bare it all to them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have two "body" friends (as in, "Sure, I'll help you bury the body"), though both have moved 3-6 hours away in the last couple years.

 

I love it! :lol:

[shanvan]

At the moment it feels like none.

 

ETA (I read more of the thread): Except for my tiny cat (she's often mistaken for a kitten). She'll curl up on my chest and purr as long as necessary. I do appreciate that.

 

Aahhhh....yes. Curling up with a furry purr machine is wonderful. None of my IRL friends do that!

 

I'm finding this thread refreshing. Seems plenty of people have as few friends as I do. I thought I just had unrealistic standards. Still thinking over who I consider friends. I have changed my idea of friendship over the years. There are 3 women in my life currently who I can talk to about many things, but I'm not sure I can call each of them 'true friends' and I no longer bare my soul to anyone other than my husband, my mom, and an elderly man (88?)and long time friend and neighbor who would do anything for me on a moments notice.

[Denisemomof4]

Honestly, right now, none. Really.

 

(2) I can call on in an emergency...no one I would bare my soul to.

 

I am ALWAYS here for you, Mariann!!! I ADORE YOU!!!!!

[Denisemomof4]

I have four friends who always have my back no matter what. I love them SO MUCH! I am always there for them, too. They totally make me feel blessed in life!

 

I have two other friends that are very, very important to me too, but I do not have the same comfort level with being transparent with them. Still, GREAT people!

[Mommyfaithe]

I am ALWAYS here for you, Mariann!!! I ADORE YOU!!!!!

:iagree:...me too!

[kalanamak]

I think I have people who I could turn to for help, and certainly there are people who turn to me in help, but as far as "emotional friends", I lost mine in the divorce and have neglected to make any more. On purpose. Really, that was more of a betrayal than the divorce, and while no one meant to be mean, I came to learn that just being pals with someone, writing and visiting for over 20 years meant little when you ex is the fun, charming, going-places half of your marriage. :glare:

[GingerPoppy]

I have 2 that I feel exceptionally close to, plus one childhood friend that lives far away. There is also a good handful (around 6) of girls that I enjoy spending time with and I would call friends. My mom is definitely one of my friends; I call her and chat longer than I do with pretty much anyone.

[MamaT]

I am ALWAYS here for you, Mariann!!! I ADORE YOU!!!!!

 

:iagree:...me too!

 

Adding my me too to Faithe's. That includes you guys too, Faithe and Denise!

 

I have one friend who knows me through and through. She has seen my at my absolute worst, and still loves me. She is 485 miles away, but we see each other at least twice a year. We talk most every day.

[MariannNOVA]

Well, maybe we can change that in July. :D. :grouphug:

 

I am ALWAYS here for you, Mariann!!! I ADORE YOU!!!!!

 

:iagree:...me too!

 

OMH!!!! I am touched -- you guys and newlifemom are so kind!

 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart -- thank you!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

Adding my me too to Faithe's. That includes you guys too, Faithe and Denise!

 

I have one friend who knows me through and through. She has seen my at my absolute worst, and still loves me. She is 485 miles away, but we see each other at least twice a year. We talk most every day.

 

Thank you! I am truly so touched by your kindness. Thank you!:grouphug:

[allymom]

5

 

But 2 or 3 more that are very close, but not quite "bare your soul" close.

[LillyMama]

I think I have people who I could turn to for help, and certainly there are people who turn to me in help, but as far as "emotional friends", I lost mine in the divorce and have neglected to make any more. On purpose. Really, that was more of a betrayal than the divorce, and while no one meant to be mean, I came to learn that just being pals with someone, writing and visiting for over 20 years meant little when you ex is the fun, charming, going-places half of your marriage. :glare:

 

Oooooh, that hits close to home! I'm definitely the introvert in this family and I feel like a lot of places we go, I'm "Husband's Name's Wife." I can see why you'd be hesitant to make more.

 

I don't have many friends, never have. My first best friend I met in third grade, and in the letter I wrote to her asking her to be my bridesmaid, I told her that the basis of our friendship was a huge model for me in finding my husband. Our friendship was based on simply enjoying each other, despite our differences, and there on out always having each others' backs. She's still a great friend, even if I only get to physically see her every 8 years. She knows me better than anyone, besides family, and loves and supports me regardless.

 

As I strive to make friends as an adult, I have found that I best like being friends with people who have some things in common- we enjoy each others' sense of humor- but have most things different. I truly value friends who can help me grow, by challenging me, teaching me new things, allowing me to teach them... and striving to find commonalities in ways that go deeper than the externals. Once I realize that I relish differences in my friends, I've started to be more open, more vulnerable, and my friendships are SO much better. I think once I figured out that baring my soul shouldn't be shameful or looking for validation, but really just an experience of letting people know who I am and inviting them to do the same, then I've felt more comfortable doing it. I also find out quicker which friends will stick around. :001_smile:

 

All that to say- I think I take a while to let that process happen.

[momtokea]

none.

 

But I have my dh and my mom. In a time of need I have my brother nearby and a cousin who I am close to.

 

Those of you who have more than one or two true friends are truly blessed. I haven't been so lucky.

[Denisemomof4]

Adding my me too to Faithe's. That includes you guys too, Faithe and Denise!

 

I have one friend who knows me through and through. She has seen my at my absolute worst, and still loves me. She is 485 miles away, but we see each other at least twice a year. We talk most every day.

 

Aaaawwww,m you are such a sweet lady!!!:grouphug:

[DB in NJ]

As of yesterday, I have 1 less than I thought I did :(