Karis Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 would it be for me to give a couple a gift after the marriage has passed the two year mark? I am SO tired of "blink and it's over" marriages. Three couples - three BIG weddings and each OVER within the first couple of years. no, "We're having trouble" just "It's over." So our blessed wishes and cash and gifts and time and happily ever after hopes were all for naught?? :confused: What the heck??!?!? The parents are STILL paying for these dream weddings. yes, I am bitter. (and sad for them) Help me not to be skeptical the next time some young couple gushes "We're getting married!!!" My gift may just be pre and post marital counseling (Are you SURE?? Because honestly you really do NOT have to do this.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 My DH and I got married at 18 and 19. We had been together about 2.5 years. It was really hard to constantly be told how bad a decision it was, how it would fail, and that we "didn't have to do this" (no kids for 4 years......). We've been married almost 20 years and have outlasted a lot of marriages in which everyone thought the couple had "done all the right things". Don't judge. If you don't want to give them a present, don't. Anyway - whose to say that a marriage that lasts 2 years is going to last 5, or 7? How many years do they need to own the crock pot or silver together for it to be ok? I still think back and remember the people who were so darn negative ON MY WEDDING DAY.... What schmucks. As for the parents still paying.... They shouldn't have agreed to spend so much. Weddings can be wonderful without expense, and parents who go into hock to give ridiculous ones,,,, well - that's on them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Perhaps you should tell those whippersnappers to get off your lawn and not bother to attend their weddings. Nobody wants the bitter "They'll never make it" lady wearing a sour face all through their special day anyhow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CroppinIt Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 As for the parents still paying.... They shouldn't have agreed to spend so much. Weddings can be wonderful without expense, and parents who go into hock to give ridiculous ones,,,, well - that's on them. I have to agree with this. There are no laws saying the parents HAVE to pay anything. We accepted gifts from our parents when we got married, but they were pittance compared to what I see sometimes and neither family went into debt on anything they gave us. We did not ask for a dime -- our assumption was that we were adult enough to get married, so we were adult enough to pay our own bills. And we did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karis Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 you guys are too funny Honestly, no one wants any marriage to fail. We want them to last and for the couples to be happy - not to NOT have obstacles but to put in some time. things get easier - the first two years are tough - it's an adjustment. I want to say "how can we help?" "How can we encourage?" but when it's all over and done with just like that - it's throws you for loop. "They said 'I bet they'll never make it' Well just look at us holdin' on We're still together still goin' strong... Hmmm... how do I know that song? played it at our 10th anniv. So, I know what I'm talking about. (TRY to "hear" me) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Divorce is hard. I know you are probably annoyed that you gave best wishes and a gift and then it didn't work out, but this really isn't about you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Hmmm... how do I know that song? played it at our 10th anniv. So, I know what I'm talking about. (TRY to "hear" me) We hear you. We just disagree with your attitude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ssavings Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I think it'd be better to just distance yourself from the wedding/situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karis Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 Sailormom, I am sorry you were treated so badly. It must still upset you. Good for you two for making it work and being committed to proving the naysayers wrong. I love happy endings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Pretty tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Peach Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Pretty tacky. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 My folks divorced after 17 years. My brother has been married less than 1 1/2 years and I expect any day he will call and say it is over. Dh and I have been married 16 1/2 years and as far as I can tell will be together forever. That doesn't mean that it is easy though although it is easier more of the time than it is hard now.:tongue_smilie: Marriage isn't easy and it takes a lot of work from both people. It also takes picking a good person to get married to in the first place. It is sad that more people can't make it work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I think that giving couples gifts on their anniversaries would be welcomed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Well, anniversary presents are always nice, and usually hardly anyone remembers wedding anniversaries except the couple and their parents, so it would be nice to be remembered. I can't speak to the issue of whether or not to give them a present at the time, though-- that's your call. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomemom Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I understand your frustration. I "hear" you. It may be tacky to wait, but I understand...most people keep their pets longer than marriages these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2samlibby Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Very tacky. If you don't want to send a gift, just send a card with your well wishes. Marriage is hard. I didn't know if we would make it past that first year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Well I think it's tacky. The wedding isn't about you and if you think it won't last don't go or buy a gift. To say I'll buy you one in two years smacks of superiority (even if you don't mean it that way), and that they have to prove something to you to get a gift. They don't. The wedding is about them. You never can tell who will or who won't stay married. I've been married almost 20 years. Dh and I have ridden through many storms together. Of all of his brothers and sisters we were the least likely to make it this far. Guess what all of his other siblings are divorced and remarried or divorced. Even the brother that dated his wife for over 7 years before they married, yup, divorced. If I know the people well enough to get invited to their wedding, I will go and celebrate that happy moment with them. I don't give extravagant gifts because I can't afford it. What happens after that is up to them, unless they give me "rights" to speak into their marriage. If it falls apart that's sad and a shame, but I would not be insulted because of a gift. Now if it's annulled in 60 days I might be miffed, but I wouldn't expect my present back either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Almost 30 years ago my brother got married at age 19. My aunt and uncle gave them a really nice crystal something or other purchased during my uncle's sabotacle in Russia (he's a Benzantine Art History specialist). My aunt made a point of telling my parents she wanted the present back when the marriage ended. :glare: I wonder if she's still waiting. Anyway, if you are bitter and predicting don't attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 you guys are too funny Honestly, no one wants any marriage to fail. We want them to last and for the couples to be happy - not to NOT have obstacles but to put in some time. things get easier - the first two years are tough - it's an adjustment. I want to say "how can we help?" "How can we encourage?" but when it's all over and done with just like that - it's throws you for loop. "They said 'I bet they'll never make it' Well just look at us holdin' on We're still together still goin' strong... Hmmm... how do I know that song? played it at our 10th anniv. So, I know what I'm talking about. (TRY to "hear" me) My first marriage lasted 15 years. Length no longer impresses me; the only thing you can accurately guess about a longer marriage is that they didn't divorce. As far as the rest of your post, I find your personal circle to be a curious fact of statistics. I can't think of anyone I've known whose marriage lasted less than 5 years, and you have several? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I understand your frustration. I "hear" you. It may be tacky to wait, but I understand...most people keep their pets longer than marriages these days. Is that *actually* true? Or does it simply sound dramatic and impressive in trying to convey you perspective? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Peach Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 The way I figure it, I'm only responsible for my marriage. If I'm invited to a wedding, I'm bringing a gift and wishing the happy couple well. I see no reason to waste energy on something that is none of my business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Karis, I hear you. I know exactly where you are coming from. You buy an expensive gift (because they NEVER ask for corelle anymore!) and then 2 1/2 years later, you see it at goodwill because they divorced and had to split everything. And quite honestly, I believe that sometimes divorce IS easy. If there are no kids involved, it's easier to walk away then to try to work things out. Especially with the 'ME' generation. They've never had to work hard for anything, and they don't know how! The bully at the playground who's mom blames everyone else. The star football player who coasts through high school and college because he's so good at the sport. :rant: I'll shut up now. And try to dodge the flames Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 you guys are too funny Honestly, no one wants any marriage to fail. We want them to last and for the couples to be happy - not to NOT have obstacles but to put in some time. things get easier - the first two years are tough - it's an adjustment. I want to say "how can we help?" "How can we encourage?" but when it's all over and done with just like that - it's throws you for loop. "They said 'I bet they'll never make it' Well just look at us holdin' on We're still together still goin' strong... Hmmm... how do I know that song? played it at our 10th anniv. So, I know what I'm talking about. (TRY to "hear" me) I "hear" you; you just sound cranky. This year I will celebrate my 19th anniversary. I've never seen a couple divorce in less than two years. That's a bit unusual. Things seem to crumble between years 5-10, so holding off on gift-giving seems a bit pointless and oddly controlling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I think the gift is payment for the party they throw. If you gave an expensive gift but you got a nice dinner, drinks and dancing, it was a fair trade. What happens afterwards is nobody's business but the couple's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 BUT...Maybe, just maybe your gift will be the one to keep them together! :lol: Maybe the will be talking about divorce and then they will say "but who will get the crystal candy dish?" They can't split it in two, so they decide to stay together! You could have some real impact on the world!!!!:001_smile: To answer your first questions...Sorry, but it would be tacky. I do understand where you are coming from though. It is hard to want to spend money on a gift 'to last a lifetime' when you see so many couples split up a couple of years later. My suggestion, is to buy a less expensive, impersonal gift, so you can separate yourself from the equation. If you usually spend $100 toward their china set, instead spend $50 on something from the registry or give a gift card. Maybe you could then send them the other $50 to put toward a anniversary dinner 5 years later. I used to spend so many hours picking the right gift for people and usually spending way more than I needed to, and now...I just don't do it anymore. I used to want to leave the couple with something unique to mark the occasion (whether it was a wedding, baby shower, or birthday), but now I just try to not care as much. I used to think far into the future when buying a gift, but now I just buy something to appropriately mark the occasion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cajunrose Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Please don't be so quick to judge. I got married to the love of my life at 20. My parents spent more money than I wanted them to on the wedding (I would have been happy at the court house). My husband went off to Bosnia (military) and came back a changed man...came back physically and emotionally abusive. I had to get out to save my life. Not everybody knew that..in fact, most people didn't know. My marriage lasted a little over a year. My parents were paying for it for a lot longer than that, but they had me...alive...and they were thankful for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I like to give a marriage book and something like movie tickets or a restaraunt gift certificate for wedding presents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeslieAnneLevine Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 "They said 'I bet they'll never make it' Well just look at us holdin' on We're still together still goin' strong... Hmmm... how do I know that song? played it at our 10th anniv. So, I know what I'm talking about. (TRY to "hear" me) Shania had a 10th anniversary too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Shania had a 10th anniversary too! Poor girl, how long was it? 14 years. Bad dog, bad mutt. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) How tacky? Well, since you asked :), very tacky. You're not required to attend the wedding, nor are you required to give a gift. However, if you're going to give a wedding gift, give it to them when they get married, not on some arbitrary date that you've decided is "long enough". The rest is up to them, not you. Edited May 14, 2012 by floridamom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeslieAnneLevine Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Poor girl, how long was it? 14 years. Bad dog, bad mutt. :glare: Well, I'm guessing that in the end, he didn't impress her much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomemom Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Is that *actually* true? Or does it simply sound dramatic and impressive in trying to convey you perspective? Yep, I've seen people divorce in less than two years and yes, they've had their pets for much longer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Yep, I've seen people divorce in less than two years and yes, they've had their pets for much longer. The question was, per the post I responded to, if "most people keep their pets longer than their marriage." I'd like to know if that is ACTUALLY true, and not simply a pithy commentary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomemom Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 The question was, per the post I responded to, if "most people keep their pets longer than their marriage." I'd like to know if that is ACTUALLY true, and not simply a pithy commentary. It seems that way to me in modern society. Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Well, I'm guessing that in the end, he didn't impress her much. He may have had the moves, but he didn't have the touch. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeslieAnneLevine Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Yep, I've seen people divorce in less than two years and yes, they've had their pets for much longer. Were they turtles? Because those things live forever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 How tacky? Well, since you asked :), very tacky. You're not required to attend the wedding, nor are you required to give a gift. However, if you're going to give a wedding gift, give it to them when they get married, not on some arbitrary date that you've decided is "long enough". The rest is up to them, not you. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeslieAnneLevine Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 He may have had the moves, but he didn't have the touch.:tongue_smilie: Exactly! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 I find it sad that a new marriage can't be celebrated happily because it's being compared to marriages who have ended in divorce. I'm wondering if you're ticked off because a marriage that you predict will fail is about to take place, or if you're ticked off because you know of a marriage that ended in a way you disagree with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 Well, I'm guessing that in the end, he didn't impress her much. :lol: Divorce really does bite, btdt, so I'm not trying to make light of it. I thought I got married for the first time forever. Apparently he thought forever involved his former girlfriend as well. :glare: It lasted a whopping 3 years, but we got married at the courthouse so there was no large outlay of gifts involved. What is the divorce rate now? 52% (sorry no link, I read it somewhere recently). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 I know the cure! Suppose no one gets married! Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeFe Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 I'm guessing that you weren't really asking if it's okay to delay the gift giving - you were simply venting a frustration. I get it. Marriage is a big deal and worth fighting for in many cases but it seems that a lot of people don't give it much of a try. I don't know that there's much we can do about other than prayer, offering counsel if asked and setting good examples ourselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 How tacky? Well, since you asked :), very tacky. You're not required to attend the wedding, nor are you required to give a gift. However, if you're going to give a wedding gift, give it to them when they get married, not on some arbitrary date that you've decided is "long enough". The rest is up to them, not you. Sorry, I have to agree. Were they turtles? Because those things live forever. :lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 It would be tacky. If you resent the amount of money you spend on wedding presents, decrease the amount or don't give one at all. Don't bring the bitterness of the last divorce you witnessed to the next wedding you attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 I have only told one person in real life that we attend marriage counseling, and she did not attend my wedding 17 years ago. Perhaps I should have sent out an update note so everyone who attended can "help" and "encourage" us? Or ask for their gifts back? :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 would it be for me to give a couple a gift after the marriage has passed the two year mark? I am SO tired of "blink and it's over" marriages. Three couples - three BIG weddings and each OVER within the first couple of years. no, "We're having trouble" just "It's over." So our blessed wishes and cash and gifts and time and happily ever after hopes were all for naught?? :confused: What the heck??!?!? The parents are STILL paying for these dream weddings. yes, I am bitter. (and sad for them) Help me not to be skeptical the next time some young couple gushes "We're getting married!!!" My gift may just be pre and post marital counseling (Are you SURE?? Because honestly you really do NOT have to do this.) Pretty tacky but not as tacky as giving marriage counseling as a gift. If your attitude will not allow to joyfully celebrate their hope and optimism about their life together, just send a signed congratulations card with a note that you cannot make it. Even if you are not open about your bitterness at the wedding, perceptive people can pick up on someone's negative aura. How to not be skeptical when a couple announces their nuptials? I don't know; maybe try to remember that special joyful time in your own life or in the lives of those close to you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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