Openly look or pretend not to?

[maddykate]

I am trying to decide which I prefer....

 

I witnessed my dh looking at another woman today (very mild, nothing that I am concerned about) and when I confronted him about it, he denied it. Even though I proved to him that I saw him, he still denied it. He said he was looking at something in that same area, but not at her. I have been with this man for 20 years - I know how he thinks and he was looking at her and her half-backside that she was flaunting. He would pretend to look around at other things but then his eyes kept coming back to her backside.

 

So, the whole issue of denial is one thing, but it made me think about what I would rather have. Do I want him to pretend not to look or to just look and be honest about it? Right now, I am thinking the second. Just look and if I catch you, be honest about it.

 

What say you?

[Whereneverever]

Well, in that situation I'd have preferred honesty instead of the lying. ;)

[Parrothead]

I'd rather honesty.

[bnrmom]

Well, outright gawking would be rude to you and her, but my dh and I laugh all the time about him checking out other women. I don't mind it - women are pretty!

 

Even though I think denying it is irritating, I'd give him a break. Men are hardwired for this, and he's probably just embarassed at being caught.

[Tap]

Looking is fine, appropriate comment even, but don't deny/lie.

 

 

Appropriate comment to me would be 'wow, she is really beautiful'....or admiring an particular attribute would be fine,

 

not a brownchickenbrowncow type comment.

[Abigail4476]

Definitely honesty! My husband is honest about it--because he knows he's not going to be in "trouble" for noticing a beautiful woman. He might be more inclined to be defensive or dishonest if he thought it was going to cause a fight. I don't confront my husband about things I see as normal. I think it's normal for a man to notice women. As long as he isn't lewd, leering, impolite or disrespectful, I wouldn't say a word about it.

 

I can't recall ever confronting my husband for noticing a woman. Usually I'm the one to say, "OMG, that's a lot of boobage." I notice stuff like that; why wouldn't/shouldn't he???? :tongue_smilie:

 

Maybe I'm not understanding your post clearly, but it seems to me that your husband is used to being confronted about noticing women, and he has reason to think he should deny it. Unless you don't trust your husband to be faithful or to behave himself appropriately, why do you even care one way or the other? :confused:

[Rosie_0801]

He might not have realised he was.

 

Rosie

[Abigail4476]

He might not have realised he was.

 

Rosie

 

Totally happens. Zoned out, unintentional, lost in the moment gawking. :lol:

[scrappyhappymama]

I prefer honesty. Well, mostly I prefer him to avert his eyes, but if not, then honesty.

 

This makes me think of some pictures I saw on a news site today of David Beckham doing everything but looking at the Lakers cheerleader right in front of him at a game. I laughed because not long ago I saw another picture where he was openly admiring a cheerleader and his wife is sitting next to him glaring at him. He's obviously had the dressing down!

[Peaceful Isle]

I would definitely want honesty. But, I'm not the type of wife to really notice one way or another. I'm not saying my dh is perfect at all. I'm not that gullible. We just have a mutual trust with one another. Neither of us is perfect but trust and love go along way. He's a pretty good guy.

On the other hand, my father growing up used to gawk and stare at women all the time..really annoying to a young teen to see her dad like that.

Just my 2 cents :)

[maddykate]

Definitely honesty! My husband is honest about it--because he knows he's not going to be in "trouble" for noticing a beautiful woman. He might be more inclined to be defensive or dishonest if he thought it was going to cause a fight. I don't confront my husband about things I see as normal. I think it's normal for a man to notice women. As long as he isn't lewd, leering, impolite or disrespectful, I wouldn't say a word about it.

 

I can't recall ever confronting my husband for noticing a woman. Usually I'm the one to say, "OMG, that's a lot of boobage." I notice stuff like that; why wouldn't/shouldn't he???? :tongue_smilie:

 

Maybe I'm not understanding your post clearly, but it seems to me that your husband is used to being confronted about noticing women, and he has reason to think he should deny it. Unless you don't trust your husband to be faithful or to behave himself appropriately, why do you even care one way or the other? :confused:

 

 

Wow, you really inferred a lot from my post and made many incorrect assumptions.

[maddykate]

He might not have realised he was.

 

Rosie

 

That is actually a good point. He is definitely one to zone out....good point.

[Iucounu]

As a guy, I think I can shed some light on this. It's possible that he didn't realize he was scoping her out, or that he's embarrassed, but it's also entirely possible that he views a denial as an act of loyalty. Welcome to the male mystique, as humble as it is.

[StephanieZ]

1) Don't look.

2) If you have to look, then for God's sake, don't do it around ME!

3) For God's sake, if I catch you and accuse you, DENY DENY DENY!!

 

I don't want to know if dh finds anyone else attractive. I appreciate the fact that he claims no other woman remotely attracts him whatsoever. I've never caught him looking, but I don't WANT to catch him, and I enjoy living in my fairy-tale irrespective of whether it is fiction or nonfiction.

 

Don't mess with my fairy tale!!

 

(((hugs))) Looking is normal. Natural. Don't let it bother you. Flaunt YOUR backside at dh!

[maddykate]

As a guy, I think I can shed some light on this. It's possible that he didn't realize he was scoping her out, or that he's embarrassed, but it's also entirely possible that he views a denial as an act of loyalty. Welcome to the male mystique, as humble as it is.

 

:D Thank you for your perspective.

[mamajag]

I don't care either way as long as he's not drooling or gone to the point he lost my last couple of sentences. I did have an odd experience in CompUSA about 10 years ago where there was a very striking young lady beside me with beautiful "books" that were really, really on display and I kept having to make myself look away. Finally she said something snide to me, and I told her that if she didn't want people window shopping her produce section, she needed to put the melons away. The look was priceless. :lol:

[maddykate]

I don't care either way as long as he's not drooling or gone to the point he lost my last couple of sentences. I did have an odd experience in CompUSA about 10 years ago where there was a very striking young lady beside me with beautiful "books" that were really, really on display and I kept having to make myself look away. Finally she said something snide to me, and I told her that if she didn't want people window shopping her produce section, she needed to put the melons away. The look was priceless. :lol:

 

:lol::lol::lol: thank you so much for that laugh! I will have to remember that in case I am ever in tht situation. :lol::lol:

[A.Balaban]

Totally prefer honesty. But some men can have the mentality of "If the boat isn't sinking don't put a hole in it..." :lol:

[oldskool]

Well, outright gawking would be rude to you and her, but my dh and I laugh all the time about him checking out other women. I don't mind it - women are pretty!

 

Even though I think denying it is irritating, I'd give him a break. Men are hardwired for this, and he's probably just embarassed at being caught.

 

:iagree:

[Bang!Zoom!]

I don't think drilling a grown adult male about a brief visual moment a wise idea.

 

To behave less than a gentleman though? I'm leaving, and I won't be back.

 

Ever.

[Dustybug]

I don't care either way as long as he's not drooling or gone to the point he lost my last couple of sentences. I did have an odd experience in CompUSA about 10 years ago where there was a very striking young lady beside me with beautiful "books" that were really, really on display and I kept having to make myself look away. Finally she said something snide to me, and I told her that if she didn't want people window shopping her produce section, she needed to put the melons away. The look was priceless. :lol:

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Whereneverever]

I don't care either way as long as he's not drooling or gone to the point he lost my last couple of sentences. I did have an odd experience in CompUSA about 10 years ago where there was a very striking young lady beside me with beautiful "books" that were really, really on display and I kept having to make myself look away. Finally she said something snide to me, and I told her that if she didn't want people window shopping her produce section, she needed to put the melons away. The look was priceless. :lol:

 

:lol::lol:

[maddykate]

1) Don't look.

2) If you have to look, then for God's sake, don't do it around ME!

3) For God's sake, if I catch you and accuse you, DENY DENY DENY!!

 

I don't want to know if dh finds anyone else attractive. I appreciate the fact that he claims no other woman remotely attracts him whatsoever. I've never caught him looking, but I don't WANT to catch him, and I enjoy living in my fairy-tale irrespective of whether it is fiction or nonfiction.

 

Don't mess with my fairy tale!!

 

(((hugs))) Looking is normal. Natural. Don't let it bother you. Flaunt YOUR backside at dh!

 

:lol::lol: I really like your fairy tale. I might want to live there too :D.

[Mrs Mungo]

We were once in an airport when a young woman with large booKs and no booKcase came jogging all the way up through the terminal, running to her gate. I commended dh on his ability to not stare. He just laughed and said he was well trained. ;)

[Peaceful Isle]

:iagree: --With the fairy tale,.. Yeah, pretty nice place to be :)

[maddykate]

I don't care either way as long as he's not drooling or gone to the point he lost my last couple of sentences. I did have an odd experience in CompUSA about 10 years ago where there was a very striking young lady beside me with beautiful "books" that were really, really on display and I kept having to make myself look away. Finally she said something snide to me, and I told her that if she didn't want people window shopping her produce section, she needed to put the melons away. The look was priceless. :lol:

 

If there is ever a list of funniest quotes on this board, I want to recommend this one for the top of the list.

 

Thanks again for the laugh! :lol:

[*Inna*]

I prefer honesty. But Rosie has a good point too.

 

I don't care either way as long as he's not drooling or gone to the point he lost my last couple of sentences. I did have an odd experience in CompUSA about 10 years ago where there was a very striking young lady beside me with beautiful "books" that were really, really on display and I kept having to make myself look away. Finally she said something snide to me, and I told her that if she didn't want people window shopping her produce section, she needed to put the melons away. The look was priceless. :lol:

Bwahahaha! :thumbup:

[Lisbeth]

He can look, but not leer. I don't care. I admire particularly fine specimens of the male variety. No big deal if the marriage is secure.

[Lisbeth]

I don't care either way as long as he's not drooling or gone to the point he lost my last couple of sentences. I did have an odd experience in CompUSA about 10 years ago where there was a very striking young lady beside me with beautiful "books" that were really, really on display and I kept having to make myself look away. Finally she said something snide to me, and I told her that if she didn't want people window shopping her produce section, she needed to put the melons away. The look was priceless. :lol:

 

Perfection!

[Lisbeth]

Honestly, I look at beautiful women too. I am thinking, how can I get my hair to do that? Or, wow, I need to try an outfit like that (if it is tasteful.) Maybe I'm weird, but I don't think jealous thoughts (not saying OP was either), I think self improvement thoughts. :)

[ThisIsTheDay]

He might not have realised he was.

 

Rosie

 

Yes. And while he was looking at her, he may have been thinking about you.

 

And they lived happily ever after.

[Kareni]

We were once in an airport when a young woman with large booKs and no booKcase came jogging all the way up through the terminal, running to her gate. I commended dh on his ability to not stare. He just laughed and said he was well trained. ;)

 

A Well-Trained Mind, of course!

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Remudamom]

Sorry, laughing so hard at the word "boobage" I can't get any further.

[DusksAngel]

I know my husband is a huge flirt, and at times he doesn't even realize he's doing it, so when we got married we agreed to follow the Zoo Rules - You may look but DO NOT Touch.

[LibraryLover]

lol tmi

Edited March 15, 2012 by LibraryLover

[*********]

I know you said you're not concerned about your dh looking. And I know that all marriages are different. But for ME and MY dh, we go with the third option; not looking at all.

[Catwoman]

But for ME and MY dh, we go with the third option; not looking at all.

 

How do you manage to never look? I'm not trying to be snarky; I'm honestly curious. I mean, I get it that you don't leer or stare, but I can't imagine never glancing across a store or a restaurant and noticing that someone is attractive.

 

Again, I don't mean that you have fantasies about the person or wonder if he's a good kisser; I'm thinking more along the lines of admiring the way someone looks in the same way you would take note of anything else you found nice-looking.

 

I may be in the minority here, but I don't think I know anyone who never looks at a member of the opposite sex. What if your doctor is a great-looking guy? What if the woman who gets your dh his coffee at the donut shop is very pretty? Do you expect your dh to avert his eyes? Does your dh expect you to put on a blindfold -- or find a different doctor?

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into your post, but I'm not sure how you would enforce the "no looking rule," because it seems to me that it would be impossible to never, ever look.

[*********]

How do you manage to never look? I'm not trying to be snarky; I'm honestly curious. I mean, I get it that you don't leer or stare, but I can't imagine never glancing across a store or a restaurant and noticing that someone is attractive.

 

Again, I don't mean that you have fantasies about the person or wonder if he's a good kisser; I'm thinking more along the lines of admiring the way someone looks in the same way you would take note of anything else you found nice-looking.

 

I may be in the minority here, but I don't think I know anyone who never looks at a member of the opposite sex. What if your doctor is a great-looking guy? What if the woman who gets your dh his coffee at the donut shop is very pretty? Do you expect your dh to avert his eyes? Does your dh expect you to put on a blindfold -- or find a different doctor?

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into your post, but I'm not sure how you would enforce the "no looking rule," because it seems to me that it would be impossible to never, ever look.

 

Well no, neither of us walk around blindfolded. :D Of course one of us may see a person and think 'She's pretty' or whatever. But that's it. We don't allow ourselves to dwell, visually or mentally, on an attraction. Yes, I sometimes notice women who are pretty, and think 'Wow, I wonder what she does to her hair' or whatever. I might even ask her, LOL. But I'm not attracted to women. :001_smile: I'd not allow myself to dwell on a man.

 

In Matthew 5:28, Jesus says:

 

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

 

Neither dh nor I wish to commit adultery in our hearts; therefore, we do not look with lust.

 

And NO, I'm not accusing everyone who has ever/does ever look at an attractive person of committing adultery. This is what DH and I do. I'm speaking for US.

 

Hope that makes sense. :)

[Catwoman]

Well no, neither of us walk around blindfolded. :D Of course one of us may see a person and think 'She's pretty' or whatever. But that's it. We don't allow ourselves to dwell, visually or mentally, on an attraction. Yes, I sometimes notice women who are pretty, and think 'Wow, I wonder what she does to her hair' or whatever. I might even ask her, LOL. But I'm not attracted to women. :001_smile: I'd not allow myself to dwell on a man.

 

In Matthew 5:28, Jesus says:

 

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

 

Neither dh nor I wish to commit adultery in our hearts; therefore, we do not look with lust.

 

And NO, I'm not accusing everyone who has ever/does ever look at an attractive person of committing adultery. This is what DH and I do. I'm speaking for US.

 

Hope that makes sense. :)

 

Yes! Definitely! I think I get it now -- thank you for the clarification. :001_smile:

 

So basically, it's OK to look at someone and think he or she is attractive, but then just move on with your day and don't dwell on it, right?

 

I think that's pretty much what my dh and I do, too. We don't do it for religious reasons or anything; it's more of a mutual respect thing. I wouldn't particularly like it if I caught him leering at a woman, and I'm sure he wouldn't be thrilled about it if I started winking at some guy across the room, but just noticing that someone else is great-looking wouldn't really be considered an offense, as long as it wasn't happening all the time. (I think I'd start to develop some sort of complex if I caught my dh looking at other women all the time.) I think it's less about the looking, and more about the attitude and the intention, though.

[MrsBear]

I know my husband is a huge flirt, and at times he doesn't even realize he's doing it, so when we got married we agreed to follow the Zoo Rules - You may look but DO NOT Touch.

 

:iagree:

 

Same here. DH isn't so much a flirt though. I look at it that we have eyes to see the beauty in this world, and if a beautiful woman walks by, why wouldn't he look at her? Same with a beautiful man walking by, why would I not look at him? It's not disrespectful to DH or me, at least we don't think looking at someone/something beautiful is disrespectful. ETA: Leering wouldn't be good though....look, yeah, leer, no.

Edited March 15, 2012 by MrsBear

[EKS]

If he was being discreet, I'd say that you were the one who was out of line by confronting him about it.

[DawnM]

I think there is a huge difference between a wink, wink isn't she attractive and a gawking stare.

 

Most attractive men are a turn off IMHO because they are so full of themselves. The same is true for women often, but men don't care because they don't need to be attracted to the person she is to have lust, although my husband is not that way and will often comment (when I ask if someone is attractive), "Well, she was good looking until she opened her mouth!" :lol:

 

But my Dh certainly never gawks.

 

Dawn

 

 

 

Maybe this will come out sounding kind of harsh, and I do apologize for that, but honestly this is the sort of thing that bothered me with a boyfriend when I was a teenager. Maybe I was unsure of myself at that point.

 

Now? I don't even notice if my husband looks. I bet I look at men and women as much as he does (for no other reason than I just look at people because they are in my range of view). If he were obnoxious and oogly about it, I suppose I'd find that annoying, but really I could care less and it's not on my radar.

 

My guess is he may have been looking, but not thinking all that hard about it, so he didn't even realize he was looking.

[tntgoodwin]

From a male perspective, it's very possible he didn't even realize he was doing it.

[ChristyB in TN]

I haven't read all the responses but I will go ahead and add mine. I think my husband would want to make it a non issue as soon as possible and that's probably what your husband is doing. I can imagine that he is thinking, " I do NOT want to relive this moment, ever, and do NOT want to make her feel unattractive or unwanted by me. I can't believe I did that." I don't think I would prefer honesty, I would prefer that he is smart enough to want to get over this as quickly as possible without making me feel sad. Go hug him.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I prefer no looking, but if caught, honesty.

 

The PP's who said people can have enough self control not to look, I agree it is possible. Too bad it is not the norm.

[stripe]

I vote for lying. Yes, I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

[Pretty in Pink]

He doesn't need to advertise his wanderlust, but if I catch him in the act and comment on it then I'd rather he just be honest. I usually say something playful like, "Hey, buddy. I saw that!" < wink wink > and he responds in kind, "Oh. Hey. Woah! What's going on here? What just happened?!" It certainly doesn't hurt that my dh compliments me frequently. I'm not insecure about my appearance; if I were, it might bother me. I don't know.

[NicAnn]

I know you said you're not concerned about your dh looking. And I know that all marriages are different. But for ME and MY dh, we go with the third option; not looking at all.

 

Same for us, and the way you explained it in a follow up post. I can honestly say in 8 years of marriage, I've never seen DH look at another woman. I know he finds other women attractive, I mean it's human nature. But he has enough respect not to dwell on them.

 

BUT to answer the question, if I did think he was looking I would want the truth (if it was a common thing). If it was his first time or very rare, I wouldn't want to know. It doesn't help the situation, imo.

[Tapasnaturalles]

Euhm... why can't a man look at a woman?

If my DH sees a woman that he finds attractive or just pretty, he says something about it and asks my opinion :D

Looking is looking, that's why we have eyes, to look.

I can't imagine not being able to look at other men :confused: :001_huh: I love watching at cute guys and I'm not hiding that.

It's not because I look at someone else, that I'm going to leave my DH and get into bed with every good looking man I see.

I honestly don't see a problem of looking at a pretty woman/man and I would feel very trapped in my marriage if I wasn't able to do that myself.

Edited March 15, 2012 by Tapasnaturalles

[5LittleMonkeys]

If you are in a loving, trustful marriage then I don't know why a wife would even want to confront a husband for looking or a husband confront a wife for looking. I mean, good grief, we are human and by nature, admire beautiful people of the opposite sex.

 

I don't ever want to put my husband under the impossible constraints of never looking at another woman. I would feel I was being unrealistic and juvenile. The "be honest" scenario doesn't really feel right for us either because I don't call him on it if I happen to notice him looking. It's really a non-issue for us. He looks, I look...sometimes one of us will comment on what we are looking at, sometimes we will comment on what the other is looking at in a - wow they really are stunning\handsome sort of way. There are never any jealous undertones. I know he loves me more than anything else and regardless of my many, many physical faults I'm the one he has been with for the last 21 years.

 

On a healthy s*x note, if you find your dh admiring the attributes of another woman, or you've been admiring another man, then odds are you can exploit that later on in the evening when the kids have gone to bed. There is nothing wrong with getting excited about a gorgeous person that you aren't married to as long as you act on those feelings with your spouse. Goodness knows that after a kilt or Johnny Depp thread here I've had really great Tea with hubby that night.;)