Hospitality - What would you have done?

[Amethyst]

Last night we had a family over (two adults, and their 5 kids) for homemade pizza. We haven't known them that long and it was the first time they've been to our house. Everything went really well. Fun time.

 

They arrived around 6:00. Aroud 9:00 one of the kids whispered in the mom's ear and she said something to him like, "No. We're not leaving right now." At that the dad said to me and dh, "Is that okay with you guys? You're not early to bed people or anything, are you?"

 

My dh and I are, in fact, early to bed people. 9:00 is a good bedtime in our mind. And this would have been the perfect time for them to leave. But neither of us said "No, scram!". My dh said, "Glad to have you here" and they ended up staying until about 10:30.

 

If I had to do it again, I probably would do the same. I feel making my guests feel welcome is important to us. But I wonder if there is a polite way of letting guests know that this is a good time to leave. And I'm curious what you all would have done.

 

ETA: Darn. I tried to make it a poll, but it's too long since I've done one and I messed up. So, just tell me what you would have done please. Options might have been: let them stay as long as they wanted; Yawn and stretch and drop hints; make up an excuse why we need to go to bed early tonight; be perfectly honest and say that a three hour visit is long enough for us. Or something totally different.

Edited February 12, 2012 by Amethyst

[StephanieZ]

I think that if you want to have an end time, then the time to mention it is when you extend the invitation.

 

So, say, "We'd love to have you guys over for dinner this weekend! Are you available Saturday? We have to make it an early night since my husband, John, is not a night owl and turns into a pumpkin around 9, so can you be over by 6:00?" (Or, little Bessy turns into a screaming monster if we don't get her in bed by 9:30, or we have church early in the morning, or whatever . . . but just offer some valid & truthful reason as to why you need to end the event by a certain time.)

 

Once folks are already over, I don't know of a polite way to say "scram", and I think you're just stuck, lol.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

They gave you an out when they asked if you were "early to bed people". You didn't answer honestly.

 

I would have answered honestly.

 

Otherwise you end up with them there for an hour and a half longer. :confused:

[JessReplanted]

I think that if you want to have an end time, then the time to mention it is when you extend the invitation.

 

:iagree:

 

We actually threw a New Year's Eve party that only went until 10pm.

It was fantastic! :lol:

[JennifersLost]

Sometimes you're just stuck. I do think it's very helpful to let people know your mindset ahead of time - "Hey, would you like to come over from 6 to 9 on Saturday?" That really lets people know what you'd like from the evening.

 

I also find putting my youngest kid to bed gets people moving right along.....:)

[TexasRachel]

Send your kids to bed. It's usually a good hint.

[Parrothead]

I would have said something about the men having to go to work in the morning and maybe calling it a night about 9:30.

 

My dad on the other hand is known for standing up and saying, "I'm sorry you couldn't stay longer. I know you have go to work in the morning. I do too. We will get together again very soon. I had a wonderful evening." Etcetera and so forth all the while walking them to the door. :lol:

[SKL]

I agree, make the invitation finite up-front.

 

But if you didn't and that quesstion came up, you could say, "Oh, we're good until 10pm when ___." A time that does not leave them feeling unwelcome / rushed but sets a boundary.

[Melissa in Australia]

Send your kids to bed. It's usually a good hint.

 

:iagree:

 

works for me

[MeganW]

You silly girl, you should have said "well, we do have an early morning" when they asked!

 

Having missed that, 30 minutes later I would have waited for a lull in conversation, and then said "this has been so much fun, thank you so much for coming! We'll have to do it again sometime!" And stood up and started edging toward the front door so they would hopefully get the hint & follow. Yep, I've done it!

[Amethyst]

I think that if you want to have an end time, then the time to mention it is when you extend the invitation.

 

So, say, "We'd love to have you guys over for dinner this weekend! Are you available Saturday? We have to make it an early night since my husband, John, is not a night owl and turns into a pumpkin around 9, so can you be over by 6:00?" (Or, little Bessy turns into a screaming monster if we don't get her in bed by 9:30, or we have church early in the morning, or whatever . . . but just offer some valid & truthful reason as to why you need to end the event by a certain time.)

 

Once folks are already over, I don't know of a polite way to say "scram", and I think you're just stuck, lol.

 

Yeah. I agree about mentioning it ahead of time and frequently we do. Especially if it's more of a party kind of thing. Believe it or not, this casual dinner kind of thing is never usually a problem. Oh well, live and learn.

[Amethyst]

Send your kids to bed. It's usually a good hint.

 

Except my youngest is 11. My oldest is 19. I don't "put them to bed" much any more. Their children however are much younger. They have a 5 year old. So I guess I really thought they'd want to leave sooner cuz of him.

[Amethyst]

I would have said something about the men having to go to work in the morning and maybe calling it a night about 9:30.

 

My dad on the other hand is known for standing up and saying, "I'm sorry you couldn't stay longer. I know you have go to work in the morning. I do too. We will get together again very soon. I had a wonderful evening." Etcetera and so forth all the while walking them to the door. :lol:

 

I'll have to work on this. It's great.

 

Since it was Saturday night, I can use church in the morning as an excuse. I'll have to avoid Friday evening invitations since we've got nothing on Saturday morning!

[Amethyst]

I agree, make the invitation finite up-front.

 

But if you didn't and that quesstion came up, you could say, "Oh, we're good until 10pm when ___." A time that does not leave them feeling unwelcome / rushed but sets a boundary.

 

This is perfect. Because it makes them feel like they haven't already stayed too long. And it allows us to finish the conversation that is happening.

[Catwoman]

I think you guys handled the situation very gracefully, and I agree with the others who said that if you want people to leave early, it's probably a good idea to sneak that into the invitation somehow.

 

In our case, we are night owls, so it would never dawn on us that anyone went to bed by 9pm. So we'd be the nuisance guests, but not on purpose. If you told us in advance that you needed to get to bed early or invited us "from 6 to 9" or whatever, we would have taken the hint, and not thought you were being rude at all.

 

I think your guests were very polite, making sure it was OK for them to stay longer, rather than just assuming they could stay as long as they wanted to hang around. I can also understand you and your dh feeling weird about saying, "Well, now that you mention it... get out." ;) It's awkward to find a way to get guests to leave, without worrying that you might be insulting them.

 

The best thing, of course, is that your family must be fun to be with, if your guests like to stay a long time when they visit! :001_smile:

[Cindy in C-ville]

You learned. No big deal. Next time put a general back-end time. In the midst, I may have very well done what you did, or I might have said, "You know, we've loved having you over and want to do it again. Let's go ahead and call it a night. I'm with you kiddo, (smiling at the little guy who asked to go home), it's about my bedtime." :)

[ThatCyndiGirl]

It doesn't need to be said rudely, though, as in "Now that you mention it...get out!"

 

You can simply say, "Oh, now that you mention it, we do need to get to bed. We have had such a good time visitting with you that we didn't notice the time!"

 

That is not rude.

[Catwoman]

It doesn't need to be said rudely, though, as in "Now that you mention it...get out!"

 

Well, I didn't mean that they would actually say that; I just meant that they might worry that their guests might take it that way if they said they were ready to call it a night. :D

 

It's easy to think of what to say after-the-fact, but when you get put on the spot, I think the first inclination is to tell the guests they should stay a while longer or for as long as they'd like, because it often takes a minute to come up with a gracious way of saying what we really want to say.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Well, I didn't mean that they would actually say that; I just meant that they might worry that their guests might take it that way if they said they were ready to call it a night. :D

 

It's easy to think of what to say after-the-fact, but when you get put on the spot, I think the first inclination is to tell the guests they should stay a while longer or for as long as they'd like, because it often takes a minute to come up with a gracious way of saying what we really want to say.

 

 

Yes, I totally understand that. And I would have felt some discomfort at having to say, "well, yeah, we do needto get to bed/we are early risers", but I offered that b/c the OP said that she would do it exactly the same again. (not answer the guests question honestly)

 

My mind is seriously boggling over it.

 

If someone said to me, "well, yeah, we do need to get going/get to bed/are early to bed people" I wouldn't take it personally. :confused:

 

It is not UNgracious to be honest and say what you need.

[Guest submarines]

You silly girl, you should have said "well, we do have an early morning" when they asked!

 

Having missed that, 30 minutes later I would have waited for a lull in conversation, and then said "this has been so much fun, thank you so much for coming! We'll have to do it again sometime!" And stood up and started edging toward the front door so they would hopefully get the hint & follow. Yep, I've done it!

 

Ouch. Effective, but not quite polite.

[freesia]

Yes, I totally understand that. And I would have felt some discomfort at having to say, "well, yeah, we do needto get to bed/we are early risers", but I offered that b/c the OP said that she would do it exactly the same again. (not answer the guests question honestly)

 

My mind is seriously boggling over it.

 

If someone said to me, "well, yeah, we do need to get going/get to bed/are early to bed people" I wouldn't take it personally. :confused:

 

It is not UNgracious to be honest and say what you need.

 

No, it's not ungracious but I would feel a bit embarrassed if someone said that particularly since the questions was phrased as, "You're not. . ."

 

I think the idea of saying, "No, we are good for another half an hour" is more gracious and still sets boundaries.

[Jennifer in MI]

When we have people over, we usually just accept the fact that it will be a late night and go with it.

[Jenny in Florida]

I agree, make the invitation finite up-front.

 

But if you didn't and that quesstion came up, you could say, "Oh, we're good until 10pm when ___." A time that does not leave them feeling unwelcome / rushed but sets a boundary.

 

That's more like what I think we might have done.

 

"You're not early-to-bed people, are you?"

 

"Sometimes, but we can certainly hang out another hour or so."

[justamouse]

When I invite people over at 6, I expect the evening to last a while.

[Laurie4b]

Dh's grandfather used to say to his wife, "Darling, we'd best be getting to bed so these good people can go home."

 

I can see myself either doing what you did, or saying, "Actually, we are kind of early-to-bed types." If guests are staying too long, I have let them know if we really need to get to bed for a reason. I don't think anyone has ever taken offense.

[In the Rain]

Sometimes you're just stuck. I do think it's very helpful to let people know your mindset ahead of time - "Hey, would you like to come over from 6 to 9 on Saturday?" That really lets people know what you'd like from the evening.

 

I also find putting my youngest kid to bed gets people moving right along.....:)

 

:iagree: That is along the lines of what I would say.

[LAS in LA]

I like all of your gracious solutions to this problem.

 

My dear, non-American friend/neighbor used to ask me "Do you need to cook [dinner] now?" It took me a few times, but I finally realized what she meant and learned that the appropriate answer was "Yes, see you later!" :lol:

 

Does anyone else remember the Wendell Berry story, from Watch With Me, in which the old Grandpa always says "Well, turn back the bed, Ma, these folks will want to be gettin' home." ? :lol::lol:

[tex-mex]

Send your kids to bed. It's usually a good hint.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[NanceXToo]

I agree that if you wanted the night to end early, the best thing to do was to tell them at the time of extending the invitation so they knew ahead of time and it would have prevented any awkwardness like this.

 

Otherwise when the question came up you could have just laughed and said, "Actually, yeah, we usually go to bed right around now, but we can hang out for another half hour. Next time we'll have to start the evening a bit earlier so we can spend more time together!" (Assuming you wanted to spend more time with them; otherwise leave that last part off).

 

When we get together with our friends for dinner and hanging out for the evening we often hang out til 10 or 11 or so, 9 would seem pretty early for us!

[KungFuPanda]

3 hours is not a very long evening with 11 people. I would start the evening earlier or do brunch next time. If you like these people and think it will be a lasting friendship, just tell them now. Something like: "We were having such a good time that we weren't ready to call it a night, but I have to confess that we do go to bed earlier than you. Next time, let's meet two hours earlier so we can call it a night by (insert time 30 min. before you really want them to leave) and still have enough time to visit."

Edited February 13, 2012 by KungFuPanda

[QueenCat]

When I invite people over at 6, I expect the evening to last a while.

 

Same here... I assume people are going to stay 4-5 hours, no matter what time we start. It would be weird, for me, to put an end time on a dinner invite.

[Amethyst]

Just to clarify, we did enjoy the evening with these folks. I wasn't really annoyed or upset that they stayed that long. We were all having a nice time. I think the fact that we were all (in my family) getting over colds and still a little low on energy made me feel like it really would have been a good time to end it. Normally I think later than 9 would be fine.

[ByGrace3]

I think if I was ready for them to leave, but wanted to still be hospitable, when they asked if we were early to bed people, I would have said something along the lines of "Well, actually we do kind of like to get to bed early (I would have made some humorous comment about getting old) ;) but we have enjoyed your company, and can probably do another half hour or so." I think this recognizes their desire for more company and balances it with your desire for rest.

[Mynyel]

I would have said something like.. Well normally we do go to bed around this time but we can take a little more time. That way they will know in the future that you do go to bed earlier.

 

I would also invite them earlier :D

[goldberry]

It would not have been rude or impolite to respond when they asked if you were early to bed folks. "Usually we are, but you're fine.." That way they would have stayed a little longer then gone.

 

As a guest I would rather know! But then again, I am a very honest person and always prefer people be honest with me as well. We typically invite folks earlier, like 4:30 to 5, and say "we like to have plenty of time to visit and still not keep you guys out too late."

[lcelmer]

Send your kids to bed. It's usually a good hint.

 

If that dosen't work, start yawning, and talking about how you need to to up early in the am.

 

If that doesn't work you, you & dh could decide who, but 1 go to bed & 1 shoo the guests out gently.

 

One time growing up there was a single guy we had over, who STILL didn't get the hint even after Mom had gone to bed, after telling him we needed to go to bed, Dad finally had to turn him out. He was a very nice man, just lonely & semi clueless. :lol:

[Haiku]

Invite them over from 6-9. At 9 o'clock, thank them for coming and tell them you look forward to getting together again.

 

Tara

[fairfarmhand]

have your dh walk through the living room in his tighty whities!

 

Go get your PJ's on????

 

I would start getting my children ready for bed. That would be my hint.

[Tap]

When they said that, I would have likely said "another 30 minutes or so would be great! We do go to bed around 9pm, but we love visiting with you." That gives a time frame, but doesn't say "put your coat on this instant and walk out the door, you have overstayed your welcome".

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I would probably have said, "Well, normally we are early to bed, but we are having such a good time with you guys!" Then, they would know you don't want it to be too late, but that you're not kicking them out just yet.

[DesertDweller]

I would probably have said the same thing you did all the while thinking that I was really ready for the evening to be over. I'm not very good with things like that.

 

What I normally do though is start clean-up of some sort. Wash up the dishes. Put food away. Stop offering additional snacks or beverages. I would do it all as graciously as possible, but at least that way, I'm giving the idea that the night is winding down.

 

I have a tendency to turn into a pumpkin when I get tired. So there's also a good chance, if I was beginning to feel tired and ready for bed, I would be much less engaged in things and less talkative.

 

In the future, I might mention something about needing to be up early the next day and that while you are looking forward to their company, will have to make an early evening of it.

[Amethyst]

 

What I normally do though is start clean-up of some sort. Wash up the dishes. Put food away. Stop offering additional snacks or beverages. I would do it all as graciously as possible, but at least that way, I'm giving the idea that the night is winding down.

 

 

 

Oh this is a good idea too. I never clean up while guests are there, so there's always a mess in the kitchen. If I started cleaning up, I think you're right, that it would sort of send a signal.

[rhrice3]

I think like the other wise ladies that when you invite someone over, especially when children are involved, setting a time range is best. People do it all the time for parties with invitations in writing and a verbal invitation would follow the same pattern, I think.

 

That being said, they did offer you and out, and you could have just said, "Yea, we have had such a great time and would love to do this again next month or something, but we are early birds." or something like that. My husband and I are late nighters and he has odd hours so I have always been very aware of families/people's bedtimes.

 

Sounds like you had a pleasant evening so next time maybe, you could ask them over earlier like 5 so everyone could visit and you could wrap up to get the kids (or you) in bed around 9.

Happy Valentine's Day,

ReneeR

[enviromommy]

Last night we had a family over (two adults, and their 5 kids) for homemade pizza. We haven't known them that long and it was the first time they've been to our house. Everything went really well. Fun time.

 

They arrived around 6:00. Aroud 9:00 one of the kids whispered in the mom's ear and she said something to him like, "No. We're not leaving right now." At that the dad said to me and dh, "Is that okay with you guys? You're not early to bed people or anything, are you?"

 

My dh and I are, in fact, early to bed people. 9:00 is a good bedtime in our mind. And this would have been the perfect time for them to leave. But neither of us said "No, scram!". My dh said, "Glad to have you here" and they ended up staying until about 10:30.

 

If I had to do it again, I probably would do the same. I feel making my guests feel welcome is important to us. But I wonder if there is a polite way of letting guests know that this is a good time to leave. And I'm curious what you all would have done.

 

ETA: Darn. I tried to make it a poll, but it's too long since I've done one and I messed up. So, just tell me what you would have done please. Options might have been: let them stay as long as they wanted; Yawn and stretch and drop hints; make up an excuse why we need to go to bed early tonight; be perfectly honest and say that a three hour visit is long enough for us. Or something totally different.

 

My French friends have told me that in French tradition if you serve orange juice it means it's time to leave. (As in, you've stayed so long it is breakfast time.)

 

And I had a French decorator advise me to buy dining room chairs that aren't too comfortable, so people don't stay too long!!

 

Personally, I always bend over backwards to make people feel welcome to stay even if I don't really feel that way, because I am so afraid of hurting anyone's feeings. But usually, I really want them to stay.