I don't like the music my dd is listening to...

[Barbara]

I could really use some help sorting this out. My dd (just turned 12) wants to listen to a band that I find objectionable. I don't like the content, the lyrics, or the overall tone of the music. How do other mom's deal with this? We've had several discussions cocerning why I don't like the music, so she understands exactly where I stand on this. She still wants to listen though and seems to want to defend the band no matter what I say. If I ban the music completely, I'm afraid it will become even more desirable to her.

 

I'm 48, so I know I seem so old to my dd!! I just think she has better things to do than listen to this kind of music!

[Mrs Mungo]

It would really depend upon what it was.

 

If it was just some poppy crap that I hated (because it's whiney pre-teenaged op in the Avril Lavigne mode) then I would lodge my objections and move on.

 

If it were something really explicit (Nine Inch Nails, most rap, etc) then I wouldn't allow it. I'd take away her vehicles for listening to music.

[Lizzie in Ma]

In my opinion, it is up to you, as the parent to exercise good judgment for her until she is able to exercise it on her own. We do this is all things for our 12 year old. Books, movies, music, clothes, all of it. Guide her in the choices she makes and tell her no and why when it does not mesh with your beliefs. It matters very little to me whether or not my decisions are popular. I also offer alternatives whenever I am able.

Music can be a very powerful influence for better or worse. It does matter what they listen to. Just my .02 :001_smile:

 

"Oh be careful little ears what you hear, Oh be careful little ears what you hear"

[Jenny in Atl]

It might help if you find bands that are similar (similar sound) that you don't object to. What band is it?

[MelissaM]

Your house, your rules. She can listen to that band when she moves out. She won't be scarred from life.

[Remudamom]

Ban it. She can tough it out. I wouldn't care if it made her want to listen to it more or not. She's 12.

[Chris in VA]

Don't give up your authority. Find out why she likes it--maybe sit with her and listen to a few songs. Then tell her why you don't think it's appropriate--lyrics? music itself? Lifestyle of the band members?

 

Be sure to hold your self accountable in this area, too--I had to tell my Beatle loving hubby that I found some of those songs objectionable. He about had a heart attack, then agreed not to play a couple of them anymore. So often when we are driving long-distance, we'll put on a radio station and listen to old rock and roll--I catch myself singing along with lyrics that are no longer acceptable to me, and it always surprises me!

 

Stick to your guns, and make sure it's your rule to have complete access to all passwords, ipod lists, etc. Set up consequences for disobedience.

Most of all, tho, try to listen to her likes and dislikes, and try to use logical reasoning with her--does she know how much of an influence music can be?

If her heart is still tender to your authority, it should be ok. Keep working on your relationship, because the fact is, you can't control everything, even music choices, but you can control the music in your house:)

[Soph the vet]

In my opinion, it is up to you, as the parent to exercise good judgment for her until she is able to exercise it on her own. We do this is all things for our 12 year old. Books, movies, music, clothes, all of it. Guide her in the choices she makes and tell her no and why when it does not mesh with your beliefs. It matters very little to me whether or not my decisions are popular. I also offer alternatives whenever I am able.

Music can be a very powerful influence for better or worse. It does matter what they listen to. Just my .02 :001_smile:

 

"Oh be careful little ears what you hear, Oh be careful little ears what you hear"

:iagree: As a preteen and teen I was heavily influenced by music and it led me down many destructive paths. Be the parent. Get rid of the music but give her viable alternatives and much conversation about the "why" of it all.

[Marie in Oh]

and someday she might just thank you. I wish my parents had been more invloved with what I read, listened to, saw at that age. They just weren't, and they did their best, but it would have kept me from seeing/ hearing alot of things that I should not have. Parenting means tough choices some times, but you are really doing her a favor. I would also find bands that have a similar style and suggest them. But I would not permit my 12 yo or even my 16 yo to have music in my house that I considered offensive.

[Plaid Dad]

I'm with Lizzie in MA. If the music is morally harmful, I think you have an obligation to ban it from your home. If it's just a matter of taste, that's perhaps something different - although I would argue that part of education is elevating the tastes of our students. She's only 12, and she's living in your home. I think it's not only all right but necessary to be the big person here.

[abbeyej]

I guess it depends. You haven't told *us* what band it is and what about the content, lyrics and overall sound is objectionable... So my question would be, "Is it enough of a problem that you want to make it a battle with a 12yo?" If there are strong moral objections to the content of most of the songs, then absolutely, it may be worth "banning". If you merely find them insipid and don't like the sound, maybe it's worth letting the interest fizzle and die on its own.

 

I do like the idea of finding some bands that share some of the characteristics she likes about this band (even if it's a sound that you don't care for), but that have a more positive message, and direct her towards those. I wouldn't start a battle with a 12yo over *taste* (other than continuing to offer examples of "good" music and perhaps forbidding music that is distasteful to you in community spaces at home), but I would over bringing in immoral or hurtful messages to her developing mind.

[Twinmom]

:iagree: As a preteen and teen I was heavily influenced by music and it led me down many destructive paths. Be the parent. Get rid of the music but give her viable alternatives and much conversation about the "why" of it all.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

My DSS did the same thing. He was listening to some real nasty stuff, but DH was loathe to remove it since they are both real music buffs. We argued about it, ended up in disagreement and basically I sat around wringing my hands about it since I had to let DH ultimately make the call.

 

DSS ended up heavily influenced by the music and also went down a very destructive path. I don't believe the music was the only reason he went there, but it was a major factor. If we had it to do over (and we DO, since we have younger kids!), we'd have put our foot down on the music early. It would have made a difference.

 

I say go for it...explain why, remove the music, offer an alternative and just deal with the whining. Better to do it now than to wait as we did!

[Karen sn]

Very curious to know which band? Not that it matters - you are her mother. And I believe all children are different - what is OK for one may not be OK for another. (Types of schooling, vaccines, music, foods, etc....)

It is up to us to choose what we feel is in the best intrest of our kids.

 

I try to monitor the music lyrics - but my dd does know some Eminem songs by heart......but she knows which ones on the CD I will not allow and she skips them. We are very into music.

 

I imagine that back in the day some parents limited Johnny Cash and Elvis- dd knows quite a few of their songs by heart!

 

If you don't like it - that's enough of a reason to say no. Although I am more concerned with lyrics than beat.

[Barbara]

My dd and I don't see eye to eye on many things, and I have a feeling it's going to be a rough ride through the teen years...and she' only 12....ugh.

 

Some of the bands include green day (the absolute worst to me), fallout boy, and some others...punk-type bands. In her young mind, she understands that listening to the songs with bad language is not okay, but she also thinks it's fine to just skip over the "bad part" and keep listening. Kind of like going past the bad part in a movie. I think the music's overall tone of hopelessness, despair, anger, etc. is the more serious problem. She stumbled upon the music by liking one song which seemed acceptable (I had heard it too), then checking out a cd from the library and listening. After that, we realized every song except the orgininal acceptable one was awful. She was responsible enough to tell me the songs had bad language, etc. I immediately took the cd away and returned it to the library, and she hasn't had access to it again. Of course, if I had screened it before she listened, it would have been SO much better. I've screened everything since.

 

For example, green day's kerplunk is the worst I have personally ever seen...I truly didn't know such things existed...I'm too naive, I guess. The cover and the inside jacket is in the form of a letter by a "fan" who killed her parents so she could go to a green day concert...it's so horrible it makes me sick at my stomach. Anyway, at the end of the letter, the fan relates how the whole thing was worth it because at least she was able to go to the concert. My dd did NOT read this, but I did tell her why she couldn't listen to it or see the cd, etc. To me, listening to any of their songs (even the 1 or 2 acceptable ones) seems to say you support the band and their music. For me, I can't even listen to the acceptable song without thinking of all the "bad" ones as well. That's what I'm trying to get my dd to realize. I tried initially to tell her the whys, etc. and see if she would make the choice on her own to choose not to listen to any of their songs. She only has the 2 acceptable songs on a cd. So far, she's still interested in the band. I think some of it has to do with wanting to do the exact opposite of what I would do!!

[elegantlion]

I don't know what your faith is, but contemporary christian music has many genres. A punky christian alternative is Superchick. I'm 41 and love this music. It's funky, the lyrics are uplifting. I actually cried the first time I heard some of these lyrics, wishing they had been around when I was 12. "Beauty from pain" is the CD I have.

 

Just my .02

[Barbara]

my dd doesn't own any of the cds from the bands. She has managed to find the radio stations that play these bands though.

[Prairie~Phlox]

I like upbeat music, as long as it's Christian I will listen to it. My favorite radio station is http://www.klove.com/ I know KLOVE plays stuff that is more upbeat and almost rocker type, but I still enjoy it.

I would not have a problem with my kids listening to harder Christian music, as long as they are not listening to secular and what they are listening to is glorifying God. Good luck.

~Phlox

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I can not tell you how many kids used to come to my house to listen to music because I lived in a non-censorship household. IMO there is no way to stop a teenager from listening to a certain kind of music, and telling them they can't is closing the lines of communication between parent and child. If they learn they have to keep something simple like music from mom and dad, how in the world are they going to talk to their parents about sex or smoking a joint? And it can be even worse- once the kids find out that mom and dad's music rule is so easy to get around, they start seeing what other rules they can get around too. These same kids who were at my house listening to forbidden music were also "at my house" when there was a party.

 

My father, who worked in the music industry, would say that too many parents tune out of pop culture. The celebrities become more like parents to the teens than the parents are because the kids start to feel like they can relate to the celebrities better than mom and dad. The kids start to imitate the music/movie/whatever. They can't distinguish between real life and putting on a show.

 

So, if you don't like the music, I would suggest having some conversations with your dd about the values and ideas in the music you don't like- leaving the band and the music completely out of it. For example, if it's rap with sexually explicit lyrics, you might want to find out what her feelings are on the treatment of women and if she ever heard a boy talk to a girl in a rude, objectifying way or had a boy talk to her that way, and how that made her feel. You could bring up how just a few years ago, the only choice a woman had in life was to get married or be a teacher or a nurse and see how she feels about that. And after a few weeks, when you hear her play the music, you can say, "Wow, that sure conflicts with your feelings about xyz...." then drop it. Let her explore things with her mind before she adopts them into her heart.

[ClassicMom]

We have had that conversation many times over the past few months. Even though my girls listen to Christian music. My dd (just turned 15) listens to Heavy Metal Christian music. I find the entire genre questionable. She likes the beat. I remember that from my youth.

 

There is just something unsettling about the music. Some of the lyrics aren't "quite right" and just the term "Heavy Metal Christian Band" makes me wonder. Dh and I didn't become Christians until our 30's. So we've been around the block and music was definatley a path of our destruction.

 

As mentioned, I keep trying to turn her toward KLOVE, but she says it is too "slow". I may have to pull the "I'm the mom card" but I hate doing that. I've told her all of our reasons, but she is standing firm. However, she has no reasons.

 

Have you talked to your daughter about her reasoning why she chooses the music she listens too? Does she read the lyrics? Sometimes they don't even know what they are.

 

I'll enjoy seeing some good replies from seasoned veterans on this one!

[Robin in Tx]

I would disapprove of that sort of music, too, but you have to be careful here... she was honest with you and the result was you took it away from her. That might discourage her from being honest with you again in the future. Would it be feasible to sit and listen to the music together, and discuss each of the lyrics, and sorta lead her to realize how ridiculous it is on her own? Can you say something like, "How would you feel if I were listening to music about killing my kids so that I can do what I *really* want to do?" and let this lead to a discussion about what a self centered life really looks like? I think at this age kids identify a lot with despair. they are so confused and having so much trouble growing up.

 

Maybe it's time to start studying logic, and use this topic to practice logic exercises? Just thinking off the top of my head here... It might be better to start teaching her how to listen to music critically instead of simply turning the music off.

 

My 12yo dd is totally into pop music (not the stuff you're talking about). I don't *like* it, but it's not a hill I'm willing to die on right now because she is sorta getting it out of her system on her own, and I figure I'll have larger battles ahead that I need to save for.

 

I would like to add that when I was a kid, I hardly ever really knew or understood the lyrics to the songs I liked. And I was drawn to songs that made me cry or reflect on hopelessness, etc. Listening to them as an adult, I am surprised that I didn't catch on to whta the song was really about back then. I think that I was mostly drawn to the instrumentals. I couldmaybe sing along a few lines, particularly in the chorus, but for the most part I was clueless. For example, Puff the Magic Dragon made me cry because I was relating to a really sad, lonely animal. I say all this to suggest that maybe your dd isn't interpreting the songs the same way you are. Of course, if you think your dd is the type to be negatively influenced by the music's lyrics then step in big time. But if you let her explore music, maybe she'll find better stuff on her own. I think it's natural to get drawn to just one artist's CD because of one song. Maybe you can research the top ten or twenty, do some previewing, and introduce her to other artists that way? Play the radio together more? In five or six years she is going to be out on her own, and either she's going to feel released to do what she wants that you never would allow, or her experience with music (and hopefully her taste) will have matured under your watchful eye. Haunting, depressing, violent music effects and is listened to by college aged kids, too.... not just adolescents.

 

Good luck with this. I'm sure you'll make the right decision. I, too, am having trouble with my dd reaching the age where she wants the freedom to express herself according to her likes, not mine.

 

Robin

[Deece in MN]

My dd and I don't see eye to eye on many things, and I have a feeling it's going to be a rough ride through the teen years...and she' only 12....ugh.

 

I tried initially to tell her the whys, etc. and see if she would make the choice on her own to choose not to listen to any of their songs. She only has the 2 acceptable songs on a cd. So far, she's still interested in the band. I think some of it has to do with wanting to do the exact opposite of what I would do!!

 

 

My dd is 11 (will be 12 in a couple months) and I have found that if I push against her, she will push against me. Instead of approaching my dd with an attitude of "I am right" (not saying you do this, I just know that my dd sees it this way with me and she closes up to anything I say) I try to approach the situation by asking her what she thinks and really listening to what she has to say.

 

You have to choose your battles. If this is one that is important to you, then ban the music and stand firm on it. If it is a situation where you are giving her the choice, then you need to do it without comment about her choice. You stated that you wanted her to choose on her own to not listen to the songs. Well, if that is what you want as an outcome, then you need to just ban the songs. If you are giving her a choice then it has to be done without strings attached, otherwise it is not a real choice for her.

 

It is a tough road to travel and know that you are not alone. I have had to work hard to allow the outcome of my dc choices at times. It is hard sometimes because they don't always choose what I would have. But I have to honor their choice since I put them in the situation to choose. It is about respect and kindness and honoring my dc unique qualities. They know that when they are given a choice, they can choose what they want without any repercussions and this is what makes it a true choice. It has also brought me and my dc closer because they know that I trust them and respect them.

 

If I want a certain outcome, I make the decision (I may ask their input, but I make the final decision). If I am open to whatever outcome happens, I will give my dc the freedom to choose and honor their choice.

 

Sorry to ramble on about this, but this is one thing I have learned as a parent and it has really helped.

 

I hope everything works out for you and your dd. :grouphug:

[Retired]

in each song the things that went against our faith. We did find 2 songs on the CD that I didn't think were bad. Thats the way I train him to discern. He now has only those 2 songs from the band on his ipod.

 

My parents were itts my home and you will listen to what I want you to. My rebellion was getting away from them and listening to the music and acting out other ways.

 

I guess being a parent who was once a very rebellious teen. I always try to remember how I felt and then find compromise so my teen still respects my opinion and he still listens to my guidance.

 

Oh and when he listen to the songs with me. He agreed that I had a valid point the lyrics were bad.

 

He has learned discernment when picking music. I will occasionally listen to his Ipod. I don't like the style of music but he chooses lyrics that are not against our faith now. He is now 15. He still uses discernment with his music.

[Johanna]

This is short and sweet. But, I just want to gently remind you of your God-given authority as a mom. If you have a voice inside of you saying that this music is not good for your daughter, then you need to restrict it and go with your instincts. It is your right and responsibility. It is natural for us to want what we cant have...so, your dd might just want it more. But, it will pass.

I just want to encourage you to err on the side of caution.

I know it can be hard.

[Soph the vet]

Here's a visual aid you could use with your dd regarding some of the songs are ok and some are not on the same CD. (This is not an original thought but I can't remember where I got it but I like it)

 

Ask your dd to come into the kitchen and have a cool drink with you so you can talk a little about the music thing. Pull out a bottle of some kind of poison like Mr. Clean, Ammonia, etc. and keep it on the counter in front of her while you make iced tea or lemonade or whatever you like to drink. Then before you serve her the drink pour some of the poison into her glass (OBVIOUSLY DO NOT LET HER DRINK IT) but she must see you do this. When you go to hand her the glass and she recoils in horror explain to her that "its just a little bit, it probably won't hurt you too much", let her bewildered mind take this in and see what kind of protests she comes up with on her own to avoid the drink. When you think she has had enough time to think about it, explain that the CD with some offensive material in it is just like the drink with just a little poison in it only it is poisoning her mind with degrading and disgusting lyrics.

 

AND MAKE SURE YOU DISCARD THE VISUAL AID BEFORE DH COMES INTO THE KITCHEN LOOKING FOR A DRINK!!!

[nancypants]

We listen to all sorts of music as a family... Okay... no, I must rephrase that... we don't listen to ALL sorts because we all despise rap and death metal and we rarely, if ever, listen to country music (bluegrass not counting as country.) I must confess, much of the music we listen to are themes that I don't want us patterning our lives off of... but at the same time what I am already teaching my kids to do is to *really* listen to the lyrics and to think about what is being prized in the lyrics, what is being sought after, is it fulfillable, will it bring ultimate peace, why does this person sound so hopeless... from the lyrics, why do you think a person could end up feeling this way about life...

 

No, I do not give a lecture every time a song plays and I don't pause it and launch into a sermon after every bar. :tongue_smilie: But we listen to music together... if I don't allow music in the house, it is going to be either because it is terribly low quality (current pop candy) or because it is hateful and violent, purposefully demeaning to women (most rap), contains a lot of explicit language or is obsessed with death and is strongly associated with a dangerous/hateful lifestyle.

 

We will likely have a "listen together and discuss" policy on music. I love certain music because if the music... or because of the musician. I love Johnny Cash and we listen to pretty much anything he ever recorded but I can tell you there is hopelessness, despair and even some violence themed there... Music is a wonderful thing but with teenagers it can be a tough thing and I think it often must be a case by case basis and thought through and discussed with them thoroughly, not always rejecting them out of hand but talking about the actual content (which you can't do unless you listen to it) with our kids.

 

Having said all of that, as others have said, it is your house and your rules prevail. If you feel strongly on the issue, put your foot down -- but you can put your foot down softly and with understanding and in a way that lets your daughter know that you have thought through your decision and let her in on why you have made it (which is why I think listening together and talking about the music is really important). Of course she may still buck and kick and then of course your foot may have to fall less softly but she will know (even if she doesn't express it) that you did make an effort to understand her and give her music a chance.

[Barbara]

Everyone here is so smart!! I appreciate each and every response.

 

After reading my last post, I realize it sounds like I marched right into dd's room and took the cd away from her after she told me about the language of the lyrics. I didn't word it correctly. She told me about the cd....we talked about it a little...I said something along the lines of it not being acceptable and would be best to return to the library. She agreed. All and all very low key. No raised voices, arguing, etc. So, I hope it doesn't prevent her from sharing other things with me, but I can see where it might.

 

Also, I'm still in the "thinking it through" stage. My dd knows I'm thinking about this. I'll have to explore my own feelings about censorship more. I just want to protect my impressionable daughter at such a young age right now. The media and marketing to young people is sooo very powerful.

 

DD and I have gone over some of the lyrics, and I think we will be doing more of this. I'm trying to look at it as a learning experience even though my gut feeling just wants to bury it six feet under and pretend it doesn't exist in this world!

[kdeno]

I listened to a lot of music that was basically pornographic and sometimes I still remember it and have to try to not think about it.

 

K

[forty-two]

With the music I personally listen to, I differentiate b/w music that *contains* dark themes, violence, etc., and music that *promotes* dark themes, violence, etc. I plan to do the same with my kids (though with age/maturity limits as needed). There are many songs that, while depressing and angry, are accurate depictions of a life without Christ, complete with the sense that the actions/attitude/life portrayed in the song isn't a good thing. One good example is Metallica's "Master of Puppets" - it clearly shows that joining up with the "master of puppets" - Satan - is not going to end well. While those sorts of songs aren't really good to listen to exclusively - they offer no hope, and thus are relentlessly depressing - they reflect and agree with what I see as true, and so I have no moral qualms with them.

 

But I wouldn't let my kids listen to any of them with discussing the lyrics first; when a song (or anything) poses a problem without offering a solution, each listener will come up with their own solution, based on their own worldview. There are plenty of people who happily sing along to "Master of Puppets", while somehow missing the (obvious to me) point that, if selling your soul to Satan leads to all this bad stuff, then maybe, just maybe, the take-home message is that you should *not* sell your soul. I want to be sure my kids understand what *I* believe the proper response is and why, as well as equip them with the ability to analyze lyrics and determine how the message of the song matches up with what they believe to be true.

 

But honestly, I find many secular artists to better reflect my worldview (though incompletely) than the theology reflected in way too many Christian songs. Many of the most depressing, suicidal songs really understand that we humans can't fix ourselves, and while that message is incomplete without the Gospel, it is at least *true* - unlike some "Christian" songs that promote works righteousness. *Every* song needs to be analyzed - there are no automatically "safe" songs.

[Bess]

So is the fan who wrote that letter to Green Day in jail now??? Was it a real letter? Did she/he really do that???? I can't believe they were even allowed to include something like that in their cd. That's unbelievable to me!!!!!! It's "funny", because I remember listening to Green Day back in the day, and I thought they were a pretty harmless little band. Guess not. :confused: Although I guess this shows how ignorant I am, because I was not aware that the band was still around and popular. :001_huh:

[Starr]

She's young and this is a good time to work on the music, movie, book censorship together. You of course with the final say. :)

[Tracey in TX]

Rather than putting a BAN on her preferred music, you need to offer suggestions or a compromise in lieu of the mom card. Ultimately be in control, but make it appear as though she has been persuaded and is compromising on her own terms. It could be good for both of you.

I was thinking of possibly offering her an iPod with 50 songs, which must e mutually agreed upon. She'll dig the MP3 player, yet she'll be listening to less offensive music. We listen to many genres, but still check out lyrics for unknown songs/artists. Occasionally we goof, forgetting that DH's and my music--which was cool in the 80's--isn't too child friendly. Try to find out her favorite groups and find a similar style (beat, etc) in which you can tolerate the lyrics.

[dangermom]

So is the fan who wrote that letter to Green Day in jail now??? Was it a real letter? Did she/he really do that???? I can't believe they were even allowed to include something like that in their cd. That's unbelievable to me!!!!!! It's "funny", because I remember listening to Green Day back in the day, and I thought they were a pretty harmless little band. Guess not. :confused: Although I guess this shows how ignorant I am, because I was not aware that the band was still around and popular. :001_huh:

It was made-up, a joke. I remember that album design very well--I was in college when it came out and a friend had it. I think it was Green Day's first 'big' album. Anyway, it wasn't a real letter and there was no fan.

[Mrs Mungo]

I agree with some of the other people. There are plenty of bands with a punk sound that have clean lyrics.

 

Maybe even go through some albums song by song if you need to in order to find songs you don't find objectionable.

 

My I can't believe Green Day is still so popular, they were popular when I was a teen. He's way too old to still be wearing all that eye makeup in my opinion. ;)

[Michelle T]

But if it's just the sound or style of music that I don't like, I let that go. For example, he currently really likes that horrible "screamo" music, and some rap. I check out his iTunes requests before he buys, I look up the lyrics. If I find the lyrics acceptable, he can have the song. But I often request he listen quietly, or on his own iPod so I don't have to hear!

Michelle T

[Liberty]

To explain my family's philosophy on our dc music choices, I have to give a little background: We personally know two Christian families who had children "jump ship" (ie. forsake belief in God) when they got into their teenage years. Both families homeschooled. Both families have parents who are not religious hypocrites (appearing to be Godly, but not so behind closed doors). But, both families also had in common the practice of tightly monitoring and controlling ALL exposure to media. As the kids became teens they got curious, they started "sneaking" music/other media experiences with friends/neighbor kids/other church kids/etc... that they knew their parents would find objectionable. It became an obsession and cost them dearly.

 

The Mom and Dad of one of these families had 12 children and once this happened with child #3 they decided that in the area of music they would no longer stifle their remaining children's choices, reasoning that choosing music/bands in those pre-teen years was ultimately a way for them to explore and develop their identities/personalities independent from mom and dad. It gives them something of their own. So far, their remaining children have experimented with different music/genre, but all are strong Christians who love the Lord (even if they do listen to non-Christian music).

 

Because of our friends' experiences, my dh has decided that "music" choice is not something we will concern ourselves with. My dh says there are other much more serious issues (their education, smoking, drugs, sex, etc...), and we need to choose our battles wisely. This has been difficult for me, despite our friends' experiences. As a Mom, it does concern me when my 12yods listens to heavy music.

 

However, as a side note, I do think back to when I was his age. At that time I did experiment musically. My parents never said a word about (nor listened to) all the records I purchased (some not so good). But, I was a Christian teen and even if I listened to a song with something "questionable" in it, the "questionable" portion was noted in my head--I could distinguish between the "good" parts (the parts that jived with my beliefs) and the "bad" parts (the parts that didn't jive). My parents had done their jobs well in having taught me the difference between moral/immoral choices and thoughts. They didn't have to take a highlighter to my music lyrics to let me know and I really appreciated the freedom they entrusted to me. I didn't let them down. After experimenting for a few years with diff. bands/sounds I filtered out and chose for myself the bands that I ultimately called "my own"--all of which my parents would have picked for me to begin with, so it all worked out well.

 

Now, I need to also clarify that I don't for a second believe that all parents who control their childrens' media choices are going to end up like our friends, but just wanted to explain what lead to my dh's decision regarding choosing music for our dc.

[Kathy in MD]

I can not tell you how many kids used to come to my house to listen to music because I lived in a non-censorship household. IMO there is no way to stop a teenager from listening to a certain kind of music, and telling them they can't is closing the lines of communication between parent and child. If they learn they have to keep something simple like music from mom and dad, how in the world are they going to talk to their parents about sex or smoking a joint? And it can be even worse- once the kids find out that mom and dad's music rule is so easy to get around, they start seeing what other rules they can get around too. These same kids who were at my house listening to forbidden music were also "at my house" when there was a party.

 

My father, who worked in the music industry, would say that too many parents tune out of pop culture. The celebrities become more like parents to the teens than the parents are because the kids start to feel like they can relate to the celebrities better than mom and dad. The kids start to imitate the music/movie/whatever. They can't distinguish between real life and putting on a show.

 

So, if you don't like the music, I would suggest having some conversations with your dd about the values and ideas in the music you don't like- leaving the band and the music completely out of it. For example, if it's rap with sexually explicit lyrics, you might want to find out what her feelings are on the treatment of women and if she ever heard a boy talk to a girl in a rude, objectifying way or had a boy talk to her that way, and how that made her feel. You could bring up how just a few years ago, the only choice a woman had in life was to get married or be a teacher or a nurse and see how she feels about that. And after a few weeks, when you hear her play the music, you can say, "Wow, that sure conflicts with your feelings about xyz...." then drop it. Let her explore things with her mind before she adopts them into her heart.

 

This is some excellent advice! You can't control your dc as much as you want to. Goodness knows I've tried to and all I get is defiance. But our job isn't to control, but rather to guide. If you lay down the law before discussing, you close of the chance to comunicate. And the chance to influence.

 

I must thank the OP for starting this thread. Because of it, I thought it was time I checked on the contents of his MP3 player. I let ds read a few posts to show why I was concerned and he got his MP3 player and let me listen to many of the songs with his commentary. He also included a lot of the dance routines his friends and he had worked out. We had a great time. And I was able to "diss" a particularly ego-centric song without ruffling his feathers because we were having a good time.

 

But one thing came out. He told me that he used to really relate to a particular song, because it expressed what he was already feeling. It wasn't a good thing that he was feeling either. So by staying receptive to the music our dc's listen to we might be alerted to problems sooner.

[Rosie_0801]

If it's harmful (suicide themes, awful language) I'd ban it. If it was merely irritating I'd tell her she could listen as long as she made sure I couldn't hear it. There were a few things like that when I was growing up, we'd just listen/ watch when mum was out or asleep. Everyone was happy with that.

Rosie

[Jenny in Atl]

Music maybe the only thing I love more than books and movies. I'm very liberal when it comes to what I let my daughters listen to. That said, Green Day.... Yuck! I would be happy to name at least 20 other bands that are actually good (musically and lyrically). Green Day is a mindless pop rip off. I was very lucky to have parents who gave me an amazing musical education, exposing me to so many wonderful types of music (folk, rock, classical, jazz, international, etc).

 

I feel the more you surround your children with good music, all sorts and styles, the more they will see bands like Green Day and Fall Out Boy as commercial trash. :smash:

[Laurie4b]

I've seen that happen as well, and we have made a similar choice. We feel it is an area to let the child practice making the choices consistent with their faith. They will make some poor choices, but we think it's important that they're making choices. We've also suggested that they ask their guitar teacher, who they totally look up to, if there is anything on their i pods that he thinks they'd be better off without.

 

When we're riding in the car, I'll ask that something is turned off if I don't like the lyrics, though. Sometimes, the teens will turn the channel when something starts.

[Rebecca in GA]

Another music fan, another non-censoring family. (Also, a Green Day fan.) Music is art and my children have to choose what's beautiful or meaningful for themselves.