My heart goes out to all of you. We've been traveling this road for a couple of years now, and I guess I'm just tired. My dd had some mild depression and anxiety issues a few years ago that were difficult so maybe I'm just overanxious myself about her being with my mom. It can be very tiring and stressful. So if it is stressful for the adults helping, it seems like it would be more so for my dd? We do talk about how hard it is sometimes. My dd does understand that her grandmother has problems, etc. but to be in a caregiver role seems too much. She is also the youngest grandchild. We live within walking distance of my mom so we end up seeing her a lot on our off days as well. For instance, the night of my dd's prom, my mom shows up as we are trying to get out the door. We have to take Mom back home, get her settled in, etc. which makes us late for meeting the group. Things like this seem to happen a lot. Thanks so much for sharing your stories.

I'm feeling stressed! I have a just turned 16 yr. dd and almost 20 ds and help take care of my elderly mom and work two part-time jobs (approx. 25 hrs.; sometimes more) a week. My two siblings and I rotate taking care of my mom. One sibling is retired after 30 yrs. and the other has a very busy business out of their home. My 20 ds works and goes to school. My mother is in her mid 80's and has dementia, but is in good physical shape. My dd sometimes stays with her when it's my day to help and I have to work. I think this is too much for my dd. My mother repeats herself constantly and just acts weird sometimes. My siblings seem to think my dd is "old enough" to understand these things and be fine with it. Both of my siblings' children are grown and gone. Several of my friends think I should focus on my dd, and that my siblings are inconsiderate of the fact that I still have responsibilities for my dd. I know my siblings have things they need/want to do, but I feel like I'm sacrificing (or already have sacrificed) my dd's teen years to take care of my mom. We are interviewing someone to help with my mom now, but I will still have a day or two to help with Mom. I love my mom and want to help, but I find myself not helping or doing things with my dd because of my mom. Any ideas? How to balance? WWYD? Thanks for listening...

This happens to my teen dd when she is sick. Last time it happened, I was worried because she was so sick and had a low body temp. I call the dr.'s office and spoke with the nurse. She said to eat bananas. She said "I don't know why it works, but it does"....it did work for us. Hope she feels better soon.

A few other thoughts after re-reading your post. When my daughter was diagnosed with dysautonomia, the dr. described her as "wired and tired". She was always so tired but could not go to sleep at night.....for weeks. It is a vicious cycle. Also, the chest tightening and not being able to breathe honestly sounds like a panic attack...especially if everything checks out ok. I have had many episodes. Another symptom with dysautonomia. Muscle weakness is also common. I will add that is sometimes very difficult to find a dr. familiar with dysautonomia. We have people drive from very far away to visit our dr. It is very comforting to know that there are other people out there who have these symptoms. The link I posted earlier has lots of other information that would help her not feel crazy or so alone. People have suffered with this for years without being diagnosed. Sometimes, it is a sickness, trauma, etc. that triggers the symptoms. Let me know if you need more information.

This could be dysautonomia. My dd and I both have this, and it causes a wide variety of symptoms that can be very strange. I've had rapid heart rate, extreme fatigue, slow heartrate, low blood pressure, panic attacks, insomnia, etc. etc. We have dysautonomia/mitral valve prolapse syndrome. I know mitral valve prolapse is usually very benign in a LOT of people, but it can be similar to a "marker" for people with dysautonomia. Here's a link to common symptoms: http://www.mitralvalveprolapse.com/symptoms.html

Thanks so much for your responses; it has given us much to think about. I think my ds got to this point by talking with admissions people at the booths at the college fair in the fall and talking with a school admissions counselor on one of our college visits. They both seemed "okay" about the undecided major and didn't feel that would be a disadvantage, but I understand what you are saying about the scholarship potential and the coursework. That does make sense. We are familiar with the gap year and have thought about it. Ds has read several articles and thinks it's a great idea. I just don't know if HE can make it happen. We have had a fairly stressful high school homeschooling experience with family deaths, sickness, financial, etc. so our school has been very unstructured. I think this has produced in him an unscheduled lifestyle (unfortunately). Going to college and having the coursework set by someone else would be a benefit right now. I know I don't have the energy to invest in much more guidance (at least career related). Also, he is already 18 so he's not a young graduate. In addition, he has had some great experiences that should have helped him decide by now. He's an eagle scout and has taken many merit badge classes (a lot taught by people who work in their chosen field). He's taken a drafting/surveying class taught by the engineering students at the university, a forestry class taught by a working forester, etc. His rifle coach is an engineer. Two of the men involved in scouts are employed in the emergency medical field: one in a trauma nurse; the other, a firefighter. Ds plays the guitar on Weds. at church with the band so he's familiar with music/ministry type careers. My goodness...just typing this out makes me realize maybe that's what's wrong with him....he's been around too many careers…ha! He admires these people and what they have done in their lives! No wonder he can’t decide! Maybe he needs to take a class in decision-making skills…sigh. As far as majoring in engineering, he agrees it would be a stretch due to the math requirements. Ds did take the ACT again and got a 25 in math, but that’s probably still low compared to the engineering students. He does have excellent visual/spatial skills and good problem solving so he thought that might be a help…maybe not? He can work on his car, etc. I think his main weakness in math has been having me to teach…really. He’s primarily interested in environmental engineering and the outdoors. My husband works as an environmental scientist with a state agency and does a lot of the same duties as an environmental engineer but without the same pay. One thing that might work is maybe ds could go through a trade program first, then think about moving on to engineering. Would that work? Ds has taken a career assessment test before, and he ranks high in architecture. Guess we could check out the math requirements for that. Maybe I’ll just have ds type all the pros/cons out….the writing does help sort your thoughts! Thanks again everyone! Barbara

My senior son is still undecided on his major. His problem seems to be that he is interested in too many things, and they are all very different. For example, I was reading one of his applications, and he had listed everything from law enforcement, military, to engineering and a few things in between! He's not sending this in, of course, but what do you do with a student like this? His way of thinking is he really wants to learn about all these things, so he can't pick any one thing... His ACT scores are midrange 28 composite. He's planning to take again in December, hoping to raise it a point at least. His math score was low...he didn't finish. He is stronger in English/Reading than math. He reads all the time. He's always been fairly weak at computation type tests in math, but does well at problem solving. He seems to want a small liberal arts school with lots to do outdoors. But on the other hand, he likes the Coast Guard...don't know if he could get in there though. He and a buddy canoe/kayak, mountain bike and hike. He's also been on a competitive rifle team for 6 yrs. Idea? Suggestions? I think it's fine to go in undecided, but it seems like you could get lost by the advisor or take classes that are a waste of time. Is it better to declare some type of major, then change? Thanks!

Just wanted to post about our experience. My dd had this when she was younger, and we tried everything to help her too thinking it was a phase she would outgrow. And probably most kids do. However, my dd had phases when she seemed to be fine and then it would hit her again for awhile and be fine again, etc. Just this past year, we discovered that our dd actually has a medical condition (dysautonomia - an imbalance of the nervous system) of which anxiety is a symptom, and she has had such a difficult time now as a teen (she is 14 now). I wish, wish, wish we had read a few books on helping our child with anxiety when she was younger and put into practice some of the methods that work. Due to the dysautonomia, she had a high resting pulse rate, etc....the doctor said she had been dealing with some of this for so long it had become a new kind of normal for her. Just typing this makes me want to cry! All of this was unseen to us. She didn't cry or anything when she was younger...she would just say "I'm scared"...and not even very convincingly! If you read some of the books, they do explain that you can sometimes reinforce the anxiety by helping, comforting, etc. because it makes the child think....if mom is comforting me, there must REALLY be something for me to be afraid of! But comforting is what we naturally do, so it's very hard. The books explain it much better than I can, and tell you ways to teach your child to comfort himself. I would hate for anyone else to go through what we've gone through. Looking back, I can see it all so clear now, but at the time, it just seemed like a normal, kid phase.

My son (a junior) has never taken either test. He has taken several practice ACT tests and here are the results: (missing less than 5) in reading; science reasoning (missing about 5); english (missing about 10-15); and math (terrible....doesn't finish and misses a lot). I know these are just practice tests, but he's definitely got a pattern going here. Would it be better to take the SAT? He's very much a visual/spatial learner. He actually does well in math when he's working on a particular concept, but when it's all together, he doesn't seem to know what to do when...if that makes sense. Any suggestions on how to help him? He's taking the test in June and plans to take it again in the fall. Thanks in advance!

I've lost two family members in the past year and a childhood friend. I find myself overwhelmed with grief many days. I can't say I understand your grief exactly since everyone grieves so differently. A friend suggested I attend a griefshare group, and I do think it is a good idea, but the most difficult part is that everyone shares their grief story....it was just too much sadness on top of sadness for me. If being around other people who are grieving is comforting and helps you understand your own grieving, that might be a good idea. I've checked out many, many books from the library. I still love Billy Graham's book Hope for the Troubled Heart. It's written so simply and heartfelt to me. I also like several of Joyce Meyer's books....I've read or skimmed quite a few. Be Anxious for Nothing was a good one for me since I do have some anxiety and that particular book was good to help remind me to live in the present. There are so many others....Stormie Omartian has quite a few also. Sometimes, I would check out ten or so books and just read a few pages here and there, and if it really spoke to me, I would keep reading; if not, I just moved on to something else. I can't remember all the titles since I checked out so many. Audiobooks are good too. I'll try to remember some of ones that have been helpful to me. I also have Bible verses on index cards that I have to hold in my hand and read over and over and over again during particularly overwhelming episodes of grief just to comfort myself. I'll be intersted to hear other suggestions. I'll try to post more titles if I can find them on my library list. :grouphug:

Just a quick link for encouragement! I know it doesn't help with all the details of how to do math, etc., but I've always loved the story of Ansel Adams' childhood..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFu_m7uiLDc :grouphug:

Your daughter sounds a little like my son. He is very much a visual/spatial learner. He's 17 now and when I look back at all the ways I tried to make him learn information that were against his learning style, I just cringe. It is so much about the big picture for him and the way information is connected.....not about the details. With that said, he does love literature, reading, and vocabulary. He did take a world history/world literature class last year at a local co-op that was wonderful. His teacher was very good at combining the two subjects to create a big picture. He did have to write about specific details and give presentations, but I think he was able to do it because she somehow provided the big picture in class. I know she had the students outline the chapters of the book...perhaps that provided the framework he needed. Plus she gave them a timeline of events/dates. My son could never memorize all the dates (and the teacher didn't expect them to), but it did provide the big picture and kept everything organized visually. She used a history book as a spine and then wove literature into the course as she went along. A recent example of son's visual learning happened recently in his spanish class. The teacher had an oral quiz, and my son kept guessing the wrong answer in a predictable pattern based on how he was visualizing the study page. The teacher finally stopped and said "You know, the correct answer is one blank over from the answer you're guessing"....my son got the correct answer then and didn't miss another one. So, right or wrong, that's the way he memorizes...by what it looks like on the page! I'm certain this isn't the best way to learn a language, and thank goodness, they are using other methods in class, but it's still his learning style. I'm a lot like this myself so I'm surprised it took me so many years to catch on, but I wish I had been more aware of this and used it to his advantage when he was younger. If you google visual/spatial, maybe you'll find some information that might be useful and more specific to your situation. My son always tells me "Mom, I can do the writing and analyzing when I have to, but it's not something I want to do all the time." I do agree it takes away the joy of reading literature for him. From time to time I get all worried about it, and he proves to me that he can indeed write the papers and analyze the literature when he needs to. I'm sure he would benefit from more practice and more writing, but there is a point at which he stops loving the reading and literature. I never want that to happen! Sorry I've rambled here. This is just my personal experience.... .

I'm sorry I've haven't read your other posts about your daughter, but I thought I might throw something out there. My 13 yr. old daughter and I (and other members of my family) have mitral valve prolapse syndrome and dysautonomia. The symptoms vary widely among people who have this....even among my siblings and my daughter and I, there is much variation. It is very different from just having mitral valve prolaspe, which is basically benign and causes no symptoms, problems, etc. The symptoms also mimic lots of other things, but it is amazing how much of a lifestyle disability it can cause. I have had dizziness, heart racing, extreme fatigue, slow heart rate, panic attacks, nausea (for weeks), anxiety, low blood pressure....and that's just me! Many people have fainting spells or dizziness, and sleep problems are very, very common. I think the doctor said something like 90% of his patients have some type of sleep problem. My daughter is among them (she is currently having a very difficult time falling asleep). Feel free to email me if you like or check out the following website which should give you lots of information. I think it's beginning to be more well-known, but many doctors do not believe this is a "real" diagnosis. But I can tell you from my experience and my daughter and my sister, it is a real thing to us. The biggest problem is when the doctor's run bloodwork, etc. everything checks out normal. I'm sorry if all this is way off track, but I just wanted to tell you just in case...best wishes. www.mvprolapse.com

I appreciate everyone's thoughtful responses. Here are a few other details if anyone has time to wade through the info....I didn't have much time to post this morning since I had a doctor's appt. We do have debt on top of the mortgages all related to the house expenses...not furniture or anything like that...but building debt on top of the construction mortgage. Originally, the plan was we would be reimbursed for our expenses when the construction loan was closed, but everything was too high already. So, we were left with the debt as well as the high mortgage. As you can tell, building was not a good experience for us! We knew it would be hard, but we thought we could keep it reasonable. I did try working part-time at a job with flexible hours even. The pay was terrible and we were basically using my money for convenience foods because I wasn't home to cook! Plus, after the deaths in our family, my kids just needed me at home since Dad was already working full-time and part-time. The other situation is our homeschool does most of it's activities/classes near the older home. To make it harder, one of my children likes it okay here, but the other wants to move back. Of course, they won't have the final say in what we do, but I do want to listen to them. They're teens now and the social things are much more important. I don't know what we were thinking sometimes when we decided to move?? I know we were thinking of my mom and being closer to the rest of my family, but sometimes I feel like I'm giving up my own family to do that. Where to find balance? I know my mom will be heartbroken if we leave, but I have two other siblings here and other nieces and nephews in their 20's so she's not totally alone. Although she does live alone in her home. I can walk to her house from mine though. The other situation is neither house is really terrible....true, the older home is old and smaller, but on nice property and does have potential to fix up. The new home is a bit bigger (but not much) and nice also. It would be easier if one were horrible!! The other thing we're wondering is if we can really maintain the newer home in good condition. We're unable to do much landscaping, etc. due to expense. Even when we have missed a payment on the older home, we realize we still don't have enough to make it at the newer house. Basically, no buying anything that is not food or house related. The payment is just high compared to our income. Since we've been here, it's actually gone up over $100 due to readjustment of escrow. Thanks for listening to my rambling thoughts...we appreciate it.

My husband and I are so close emotionally to all these facts, we've decided we need a more objective opinion. We're a one-income family (not a great income either!) of four with two mortgages right now. We originally lived in a small house with a small mortgage (75,000) then decided to build to be closer to my mom in her eighties. New construction went over budget and current home mortgage is 179,000. When we realized the new house was going over budget, we decided to keep the older home and rent it. An okay decision for a year, but even renting the home for $200 more than the payment and both husband and I working part-time in addition to his full-time, we were barely making it. In the meantime, our renters moved out in February, we had a traumatic death in family in March, another death in June, and we're exhausted both physically and emotionally. Finally, I had to stop working since my children needed me due to all the ongoing stresses in our lives. Being objective and only thinking of the money, it seems wise to sell the more expensive house and move back to less expensive...if we can even sell in this market. But new construction is on family land near my mom, etc...a lot of emotion there. We did meet with a realtor at the older home and she felt like the home would not sell for much more than our current mortgage so it's not like we could make a lot of money to help pay for the newer home. We had a couple of interested people for a lease/purchase, but they basically wanted to move in with no down payment, etc. Again, not very helpful for our situation. We are paralyzed in this situation but need to help ourselves soon before it gets worse. I would welcome any advice on how to think through this decision. ~ b