An honest question about marriage

[clarkacademy]

This in no way is meant to bash or cause hurt feelings. I just really do not understand at all.

 

A husband would rather pay for his hobbies and trucks than buy food for the family. He drives you and your kids to a food bank while he has hundreds of dollars in his poscket.

 

A husband would rather drink away or waste his paycheck than put a roof over you and your childrens heads.

 

A husband who is down right mean to you and the kids mentally and physically.

 

A husband who not only is unfaithful in his heart but physically as well.

 

A husband you can't even leave your kids with to run to the store because it is not his job to babysit.

 

Yet women stay everyday in relationships just like this saying the Bible tells them too. Why, why do you stay? Do any of those woman who make exuses ever stop to think, What am I teaching my kid? Are the few good times really worth all of that pain and humiliation?

 

What does staying tell the husband? I really don't think it proves to him he is loved. I think it shows him everyday that he has an open doormat he can treat any way he wants.

 

I stayed because of fear, money kids all that. Almost 20 years until finally I couldn't. I walked out on a beautiful house, my car almost all my furniture, a disabled kid plus three more and went to government housing. We struggled, it was hard. The kids missed their house their bikes their yard. That was three years ago and I still struggle daily to undo the damage it caused for staying.

 

My son has anger issues, my daughter cowers when people yell. My oldest daughter has no faith or trust in marriage or a relationship. My disabled boy is still working with a routine. No one calls us names. No one threatens to throw them in the street or says they are going to hit them. We finally got a nice house in a nice place and while life is better the damage is still there.

 

Why, why stay when you can see the information online, in books and even at a doctor office. Domestic violence destroys children. Emotional abuse ruins them. Why do people use the Bible as a reason to live like this?

[In the Rain]

:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: I think you've answered the "why" when you said why you stayed for 20 years. :grouphug: It is hard to stay in that situation and hard to leave. But as you've found out, it is worth it esp. for the kids to leave.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Because they don't know better.

 

Because they never realized that they can think for themselves.

 

Because they don't realize that when kids have that sort of relationship demonstrated for them that it teaches them much more (negative) about relationships than the supposed (positive) about "honoring wedding vows".

 

:grouphug:

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: There are just so many reasons women stay in these types of situations. :grouphug:

[Evergreen State Sue]

You've mentioned the Bible a few times in your post, so I'll address my thoughts on that. I think these women stay using the Bible as their example because they know that having an intact family unit that shows love and respect is what the Bible says is right. They are desperately doing their part and they hope by their example their husband will man up and do his part. Unfortunately, some of these men don't get it. The women don't want to fail in keeping the family together so they hanging in there longer than they should.

[angela in ohio]

Yet women stay everyday in relationships just like this saying the Bible tells them too. Why, why do you stay? Do any of those woman who make exuses ever stop to think, What am I teaching my kid? Are the few good times really worth all of that pain and humiliation?

 

And an even larger number stay but not because the Bible tells them to. You are discussing a small sub-portion of the women who are in abusive marriages. I think the larger issues is why most women stay. Women stay because they are afraid of poverty, because they are afraid of leaving, because they think they deserve it... on and on.

 

I'm glad you got out, and I'm glad your dc are happier now. :)

Edited January 12, 2012 by angela in ohio

[gingersmom]

:grouphug:

[Tap]

Because sometimes a person is just so beaten down and emotionally broken, that they don't have any fight left in them. You know how hard it was to leave, some people just don't have that strength to fight left in them.

 

Adding abuse to fear... to raising children... to the loss of income and everything a person knows.... is overwhelming to some people to the point that they can barely breath....let alone start a battle that will turn very, very ugly before it gets better.

 

It is easier to believe the Bible, and hope that there will be a reward at the end of the misery.

[bbkaren]

Because we've been convinced that we don't deserve to be treated properly.

 

Even if it's just verbal (it was more than that for me), abuse does a real number on your self-esteem and your overall perception of the world.

 

It wasn't until I went to a therapist and she pointed out how he was affecting the kids (4 and 5 at the time) that I was able to finally give myself permission to leave him.

 

For the kids's sake, not for mine, though. If it weren't for the kids, I'd probably still be with him due to my self-esteem problems.

 

The thought makes me retch.

[Liz CA]

Exactly!

[Mimm]

Many of the women who use the Bible as a reason to stay are being told in churches or by books written by Christian authors that if they stay, and if they do their part, and if they obey enough and love enough and give of themselves enough, God will change their husbands for the better. That their husbands will see the unconditional love of their wives and it will change their heart. That all they need do is be patient and trust God and eventually, their marriage will be transformed. It's a lie that keeps women in bondage to abusers without real answers or support for fixing the real problems that they have.

[bbkaren]

... if they stay, and if they do their part, and if they obey enough and love enough and give of themselves enough...

 

Even without religious doctrine guiding me, that's how I felt.

 

If only I could get up earlier, I could get all the things done the way he wants. His shirt would be properly pressed and breakfast would be ready.

 

It's like the lyrics in the Offspring song "Self Esteem", "...the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care".

 

To the logical and/or recovered observer, there's no sense to it. Why in the world would someone stay?

 

But I swear, to the person in this situation, it's "all there is". It's all-encompassing.

Edited January 12, 2012 by bbkaren

[AngelBee]

Jesus would not have tolerated a man treating his family that way! It is time for thbe church to intervene and say enough is enough!

 

Healing is needed.

 

:grouphug:

[butterflymommy]

I don't know where you live, but where I live the wait list for government housing is years. So it's not like you can just pick up one day and know you have a place to live when you leave. Many women simply have nowhere to go. Even the homeless shelters where I live are packed, you end up sleeping on the floor of the family services office until you're lucky enough to get a voucher for a motel room for the night, often you're bused hours either way. If the husband is combative he could claim he has the higher standard of living (since you're now homeless) and you lose the kids. Unless there are arrests/ convictions for abuse your word against his doesn't count for much.

 

So when faced with homelessness and losing the kids, I don't blame women for staying even in the worst of relationships.

[Trish]

When I was dating, I never stayed past "rude once."

 

So I have no idea why or how people go past that point and marry it.

 

But you have my sympathy, and everyone in this type of situation has my prayers. There but for the grace of God go I.

 

:grouphug:

[kwickimom]

Jesus says in the Bible you can leave your marriage if there is a cheater.

 

Matthew 13: 3-9

 

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

 

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

 

"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

 

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

 

Also- the Bible does NOT say you cannot LEAVE your spouse if they are abusive. It does say that God hates divorce. I think there is a difference between leaving, and divorcing. I believe in the God and the Bible and I would absolutely leave my spouse if he was abusive. Would I run out and get a divorce? Nope.

[Renee in NC]

I don't know where you live, but where I live the wait list for government housing is years. So it's not like you can just pick up one day and know you have a place to live when you leave. Many women simply have nowhere to go. Even the homeless shelters where I live are packed, you end up sleeping on the floor of the family services office until you're lucky enough to get a voucher for a motel room for the night, often you're bused hours either way. If the husband is combative he could claim he has the higher standard of living (since you're now homeless) and you lose the kids. Unless there are arrests/ convictions for abuse your word against his doesn't count for much.

 

So when faced with homelessness and losing the kids, I don't blame women for staying even in the worst of relationships.

 

This is exactly it - many women have no place to go. Even if they could find a place to go, they are so scared of the husband that they don't leave. After enough time of being demeaned, put down, etc., a woman starts to believe it. Many times it takes more than one time leaving and a STRONG support system.

[bbkaren]

...a STRONG support system...

 

...which in many cases has been alienated by the woman herself, in an effort to appease her abusive partner.

[MyLittleBears]

 

Also- the Bible does NOT say you cannot LEAVE your spouse if they are abusive. It does say that God hates divorce. I think there is a difference between leaving, and divorcing. I believe in the God and the Bible and I would absolutely leave my spouse if he was abusive.

 

This is absolutely right. Churches/books that tell someone to stay if there is abuse is misinterpreting the bible and doing a great disservice to families in an already terrible situation. Not all churches teach this so I hope it will not be a generalized as All christians/churches believing this way. :tongue_smilie:I know my church does not.

 

 

My prayers go out to you.

Edited January 12, 2012 by MyLittleBears

[LazyDazy]

My mother told me that "you can't leave until you are ready". It didn't matter that logically she could understand why others were telling her to leave or that she could see her self it was a bad situation. To give up on someone she once loved and who once loved her had to come from within. No one could hurry her along in her process of letting it all go; no matter what. She left when she was ready, which oddly enough was when things were not as bad as they had been in the past.

[lionfamily1999]

Good for you :D I love hearing/reading about women that stood up for themselves and made a difference. That takes guts to step out like that. :hurray: I hope your children grow to see how incredibly brave and courageous you are.

 

The abusers are the problem. They can use anything to show why they should get to lord it over their victims. They don't even need to make up good reasons, goodness knows being able to twist religious beliefs or threaten someone with eternal ****ation can secure a lot of power for a person, but some of them just use themselves (what would you do without me, what would I do without you, I'll suffer, I need you, you'll suffer, you need me) and their victims are blinded with that. No matter what they use (twisted ideas of what's traditional, stupid reasons that lack any logic), they are the problem.

[Liza Lee]

You've mentioned the Bible a few times in your post, so I'll address my thoughts on that. I think these women stay using the Bible as their example because they know that having an intact family unit that shows love and respect is what the Bible says is right. They are desperately doing their part and they hope by their example their husband will man up and do his part. Unfortunately, some of these men don't get it. The women don't want to fail in keeping the family together so they hanging in there longer than they should.

 

This.

 

This is why I stayed as long as I did. My ex-husband was not as abusive as most of the examples you used. I wish he had hit me, because If he had hit me even once I would have been out of there a lot sooner.

 

My kids have issues. Lots of issues. I wish I had left earlier.

[Dustybug]

 

Also- the Bible does NOT say you cannot LEAVE your spouse if they are abusive. It does say that God hates divorce. I think there is a difference between leaving, and divorcing. I believe in the God and the Bible and I would absolutely leave my spouse if he was abusive. Would I run out and get a divorce? Nope.

 

 

:iagree:

[Wildiris]

Rather than mulling over why people stay in destructive relationship, focus on your kids--The damage lasts a lifetime. Now that your kids are safe, help the become whole functioning people.

[twinmami01]

You've mentioned the Bible a few times in your post, so I'll address my thoughts on that. I think these women stay using the Bible as their example because they know that having an intact family unit that shows love and respect is what the Bible says is right. They are desperately doing their part and they hope by their example their husband will man up and do his part. Unfortunately, some of these men don't get it. The women don't want to fail in keeping the family together so they hanging in there longer than they should.

 

:iagree:

 

I guess some hold on to hope that it will get better.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I think these women stay using the Bible as their example because they know that having an intact family unit that shows love and respect is what the Bible says is right. They are desperately doing their part and they hope by their example their husband will man up and do his part.

 

:iagree:

 

I hoped that if I did the right thing, the ethical, moral, Biblical, thing, then I would get good things in return. I trusted the god of the Bible to take care of us, since he was telling us to stay.

 

There was finally a day, though, when I looked at my son and realized he'd be the same as his dad when he grew up if I didn't get him out of there. That was when I decided to obey the heart and conscience that this god supposedly gave me, and stop harming the vulnerable ones in my care.

 

It was also very hard for us to go. My ex was a good Christian man, a beloved teacher at a small Christian school, a musician who volunteered to play at all the churches in the area so everyone liked him, and he was in counseling for his issues (with a !@#$% pastor who told us he had the right to have sex with me whether I was crying, "stop! it hurts!" or not). XH volunteered at the women's shelter during their Christmas program and was friends with the director. I had no easy route out.

Edited January 12, 2012 by dragons in the flower bed

[jenL]

:grouphug:

[PiCO]

Why, why do you stay? Do any of those woman who make exuses ever stop to think, What am I teaching my kid? Are the few good times really worth all of that pain and humiliation?

 

I woman I know stayed with the man because she didn't want to lower her standard of living. Seriously. Her oldest is 17 now, and what a mess that girl is. The boys are following in dad's footsteps.

 

I don't understand, I don't think I would stay. Fortunately, I got myself out of a relationship that could have let to emotional abuse. Whenever I see the guy's wife, I think there but for the grace of God go I.

[Dolphin]

Because the abuse doesn't get that bad over night. It is a slow spiral.

 

Everything is pretty good, and you love the guy. Then he starts doing one thing that you are a little uncomfortable with, but it is just one thing, and you love him.

 

You get used to that one thing, you don't even notice anymore. Then there is another thing and you are pregnant...

 

and so on, now it's 20 years later and you don't even know how your life got the way it is. Now, how do you get out?

 

:grouphug::grouphug:Good job for having the strength to get out.

[lluv]

This is absolutely right. Churches/books that tell someone to stay if there is abuse is misinterpreting the bible and doing a great disservice to families in an already terrible situation. Not all churches teach this so I hope it will not be a generalized as All christians/churches believing this way. :tongue_smilie:I know my church does not.

 

 

My prayers go out to you.

 

:iagree: My pastor/church would tell anyone to leave their partner if the relationship was abusive. My pastor (who is also my father-in-law) would tell you to RUN!, not walk out of the situation.

[lluv]

:iagree:

 

I hoped that if I did the right thing, the ethical, moral, Biblical, thing, then I would get good things in return. I trusted the god of the Bible to take care of us, since he was telling us to stay.

 

There was finally a day, though, when I looked at my son and realized he'd be the same as his dad when he grew up if I didn't get him out of there. That was when I decided to obey the heart and conscience that this god supposedly gave me, and stop harming the vulnerable ones in my care.

 

It was also very hard for us to go. My ex was a good Christian man, a beloved teacher at a small Christian school, a musician who volunteered to play at all the churches in the area so everyone liked him, and he was in counseling for his issues (with a !@#$% pastor who told us he had the right to have sex with me whether I was crying, "stop! it hurts!" or not). XH volunteered at the women's shelter during their Christmas program and was friends with the director. I had no easy route out.

 

I am so very sorry that you experienced this. The bible is very clear about how men are to treat their wives. Men are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church. Obviously that didn't happen for you, and I am so sorry. In my politically incorrect experience, just because someone claims to be a Christian, doesn't mean they really are...anyone can "play" the Christian part. The bible itself warns us that wheat and tares will grow up together and we won't be able to tell the difference.

[Joanne]

It's the nature of the abuse cycle to stay. That is what the abuse cycle *does* to women. They don't enter the relationship that worn down, damaged. They come out of it that way.

 

The nature of abuse (power and control) works to keep you in.

 

The Christian/Bible part of it feeds the abuse dynamic, but is not the "reason" women stay. Women stay because of the abuse dynamic and the Christian culture is co-opted by the abuse dynamic, serving to keep them there.

 

It is not a matter of:

 

1. How strong the woman is/was

2. How smart the woman is/was

3. How "bad" he is

 

Once the dynamic develops, breaking that pattern is dangerous. No, truly. Women are safer IN the relationship than newly out of it.

 

(Edited to add, OP, that I regret staying. I believed that "divorce was not an option" and I only hurt myself and my kids more by staying. I didn't know what I didn't know.)

[Laura in MI]

:grouphug: There are just so many reasons women stay in these types of situations. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

:grouphug: Good job to you for getting out. :grouphug:

[DB in NJ]

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I'm sorry you and your kids suffered through all you did. I hope you find healing, true peace and joy.

[jennsmile]

:grouphug:

 

I don't know.

 

Why do people date for years, get pregnant, have shotgun weddings and then deal with a cheatin', and p*rn viewing dh who refuses counseling and thinks a stay at home mom should pay for half of everything. :confused:

 

I don't get it.

Edited January 13, 2012 by jennsmile

[Annabel Lee]

I am so very sorry that you experienced this. The bible is very clear about how men are to treat their wives. Men are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church. Obviously that didn't happen for you, and I am so sorry. In my politically incorrect experience, just because someone claims to be a Christian, doesn't mean they really are...anyone can "play" the Christian part. The bible itself warns us that wheat and tares will grow up together and we won't be able to tell the difference.

 

:iagree: OP, I'm glad you & dragonsintheflowerbed got out. No easy feat. I have a relative who stayed with her "Christian" husband until he beat her bloody beyond recognition one night, the children too scared to move from their hiding spots to go for help... to the outside world he put on a good show. They never missed church. There's no way he could have been so saturated with hatred if he were truly Christian. He was a fake.

 

It's a misinterpretation, imho, that the Bible instructs women to stay with abusive husbands. I know the verses used to support this, but it's all in the interpretation. There are verses directed at husbands, too, and those are too oft ignored in circles that put the burden solely on the woman's shoulders.

[ereks mom]

I am so very sorry that you experienced this. The bible is very clear about how men are to treat their wives. Men are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church. Obviously that didn't happen for you, and I am so sorry.

:iagree:

 

It's a misinterpretation, imho, that the Bible instructs women to stay with abusive husbands. I know the verses used to support this, but it's all in the interpretation. There are verses directed at husbands, too, and those are too oft ignored in circles that put the burden solely on the woman's shoulders.

 

:iagree:

[golfcartmama]

The ones I've seen...it's been the fear of the unknown. Where will we live? How will I feed them? What about clothes? How will they get to school? How will I get to work? and on....

 

Many :grouphug: on getting out and I am sorry you suffered. Many prayers and good thoughts for healing and peace!

[Anne in CA]

I attended a fundraiser for a Christian domestic violence prevention program. The fundraiser had a 45 minute program that featured many women who had been afraid to leave their husbands because the men were so involved in the church the women knew no one would believe them. Part of the ARMS program is about understanding the Bible correctly in regards to this matter.

 

For instance Malachi 2:16 says:

 

"I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel, "AND I HATE A MAN'S COVERING HIMSELF WITH VIOLENCE AS WELL AS WITH HIS GARMENT," SAYS THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY

 

Amazing how often the fact that God HATES it when men hit their wives as much as he hates divorce is often glossed over in the church. But it is true, God loves women and does not want them to be doormats for this junk.

[Michelle My Bell]

Well this is all very close to me. I finally separated from my husband after 16 years last July. I was VERY afraid of the repercussions from my church, kids, family & friends. I was very afraid of losing my home, my way of life, even my relationship with God.

 

I was right to be afraid. I have lost my church, disciplined out only 1 week ago although they asked me to leave 2 weeks before Christmas. They didn't care that I had endured years of emotional abuse. They didn't care that my ex had not changed one bit. They only cared that I didn't have one of two biblical reasons for divorce.

 

I have lost several friends. See above. HOWEVER several friends have come forward in the last year to let me know that they have had concerns for some time and that they support me.

 

I have NOT lost my children. They are doing amazing. I mean really amazing. They have not been this good in years. They still love their dad (and I would expect them to) but they are happy he lives somewhere else now.

 

I have NOT lost my family. They are 100% supportive of me and wonder why I didn't leave earlier.

 

Unlike you, I didn't lose my home. I stayed and he left.

 

So far I have not got a job other than teaching art out of my home and selling things online. I will have to do something soon however as I just can't make it forever like this. I will probably pick up something part-time.

 

And as for God, I realize now that I am even more important to Him than my marriage. YES, God desires that two joined together should not part, but in this fallen world it happens. I can feel His grace more than ever before and I know he loves me. He has taken care of me through all of this. I praise Him for all He has done for me.

[Michelle My Bell]

:iagree: OP, I'm glad you & dragonsintheflowerbed got out. No easy feat. I have a relative who stayed with her "Christian" husband until he beat her bloody beyond recognition one night, the children too scared to move from their hiding spots to go for help... to the outside world he put on a good show. They never missed church. There's no way he could have been so saturated with hatred if he were truly Christian. He was a fake.

 

It's a misinterpretation, imho, that the Bible instructs women to stay with abusive husbands. I know the verses used to support this, but it's all in the interpretation. There are verses directed at husbands, too, and those are too oft ignored in circles that put the burden solely on the woman's shoulders.

 

When I was going through this with my ex-church my Pastor told me even if a man was beating his wife they would work with the couple with the goal of reconciliation. That was the final straw for me. I realized then that these people did not have my best interests at heart.

[Michelle My Bell]

:iagree:

 

I hoped that if I did the right thing, the ethical, moral, Biblical, thing, then I would get good things in return. I trusted the god of the Bible to take care of us, since he was telling us to stay.

 

There was finally a day, though, when I looked at my son and realized he'd be the same as his dad when he grew up if I didn't get him out of there. That was when I decided to obey the heart and conscience that this god supposedly gave me, and stop harming the vulnerable ones in my care.

 

It was also very hard for us to go. My ex was a good Christian man, a beloved teacher at a small Christian school, a musician who volunteered to play at all the churches in the area so everyone liked him, and he was in counseling for his issues (with a !@#$% pastor who told us he had the right to have sex with me whether I was crying, "stop! it hurts!" or not). XH volunteered at the women's shelter during their Christmas program and was friends with the director. I had no easy route out.

 

This reminds me a lot of my situation as my ex was a Pastor (though not at the time of our separation) and we were heavily involved in our church. All of our friends were christians. My only difference here is I feel God took care of me enough to lead me out of the situation. The Pastors of my church didn't and I was disciplined out of my church.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When I was dating, I never stayed past "rude once."

 

So I have no idea why or how people go past that point and marry it.

 

But you have my sympathy, and everyone in this type of situation has my prayers. There but for the grace of God go I.

 

:grouphug:

 

People in this situation are not stupid people who stayed past someone being rude during the dating process. Not to mention the fact that both dh and I have been rude on occasion to each other and neither of us are abusers.

 

Many of these men are extremely charming when it suits them. And obviously it suits them while they are dating. It is often only when the woman is "theirs" that their demeanor changes. It often starts by making sure that you are in social situations, including churches (even though church is not primarily social) where the man is upheld over the wife. The wife is often forbidden to work or to have access to income so they are totally dependent on the man. It can get so bad that the wife is forbidden to have any friends other than the husband or perhaps only closely vetted friends. Obviously not all are like that but this was my situation and that of one of my friends. It is extremely hard to leave in that scenario. The only reason that my friend was able to leave was because my dh and I loaned her money, allowing her to escape.

[sewingmama]

I don't know where you live, but where I live the wait list for government housing is years. So it's not like you can just pick up one day and know you have a place to live when you leave. Many women simply have nowhere to go

 

:iagree:

 

If you have an abusive/controlling husband then you often have no friends or family either because he has cut them off long ago.

 

Why have I stayed - nowhere to go, no money, no family or friends that could help and a husband that threatens if I ever leave he will take the kids back to Canada and I won't see them again - and yes this could happen his family is rich and I have no money to go get them or fight to get them back.

 

Why do people marry guys like that? -Because when you are dating they hide there real selves and it doesn't come out till later on when it's too late and kids are involved.

 

ETA: My DH is not physically abusive but mega controlling and emotionally abusive.

Edited January 14, 2012 by sewingmama

[Trish]

People in this situation are not stupid people who stayed past someone being rude during the dating process. Not to mention the fact that both dh and I have been rude on occasion to each other and neither of us are abusers.

 

Many of these men are extremely charming when it suits them. And obviously it suits them while they are dating. It is often only when the woman is "theirs" that their demeanor changes. It often starts by making sure that you are in social situations, including churches (even though church is not primarily social) where the man is upheld over the wife. The wife is often forbidden to work or to have access to income so they are totally dependent on the man. It can get so bad that the wife is forbidden to have any friends other than the husband or perhaps only closely vetted friends. Obviously not all are like that but this was my situation and that of one of my friends. It is extremely hard to leave in that scenario. The only reason that my friend was able to leave was because my dh and I loaned her money, allowing her to escape.

 

I didn't call anyone stupid.

 

If the men behave like well adjusted people and then wait for the moment of marriage in order to completely change their demeanor, obviously there is no way you can anticipate that. If they are capable of maintaining that facade for that period of time, well what can you do?

 

I am speaking of those situations where I watch people endure rude and abusive behavior in a dating situation, wonder to myself why they put up with that, and then the marriage is more of the same or worse.

 

As to this "forbidding" stuff -- at what point in the dating/marriage cycle does someone get to forbid things? My parents did forbid things, but after that unless you are voluntarily handing over the keys to your kingdom I don't see where someone gets to forbid things.

 

I'm glad you and your friend got out.

[sewingmama]

As to this "forbidding" stuff -- at what point in the dating/marriage cycle does someone get to forbid things? My parents did forbid things, but after that unless you are voluntarily handing over the keys to your kingdom I don't see where someone gets to forbid things.

 

 

By making your life a living hell if you do the things they tell you not to do.

 

for example. They don't want you to call your friends -so they get rid of the landline in the house and they give you a mobile phone that is prepaid only and never give you money for credit so that phone is explicity for him to call and check on you.

 

By saying you cannot go out and hang with your friends - and if you do they refuse to watch the kids or if you just walk out and leave the kids anyway they don't feed the kids, watch them or change their diapers so you know if you go out you will come home to kids who are starving, have diaper rash and have trashed the house -so then you don't go out at all because you are worried about the kids safety and health and you feel guilty going out because you know while you are having fun your kids are going hungry at home.

 

By not keeping your car running reliably enough so that you can only drive locally because you fear you will brake down somewhere on the side of the highway with kids with no phone and no way to get help.

 

By taking control of the family income and only giving you just enough for the groceries so you can't get access to any other money

 

By changing the password on the computer and putting net nanny on it so you can't access FB or skype to talk to your family overseas

 

 

I could go on and on.... but there certainly are ways a person can "forbid" you to do things. A lot of the time it involves shouting and so you do as he says to keep the peace in front of the kids.

[mytwomonkeys]

when i was a social worker in my previous life, it drove me crazy to see women in these types of situations. the number one reason that women stayed (or at least that i heard) is that "they loved him". not the bible. not the fear. but "they loved him". really? that's love? ugh. the kids were casualties in all of it. so sad.

[mytwomonkeys]

My mother told me that "you can't leave until you are ready". It didn't matter that logically she could understand why others were telling her to leave or that she could see her self it was a bad situation. To give up on someone she once loved and who once loved her had to come from within. No one could hurry her along in her process of letting it all go; no matter what. She left when she was ready, which oddly enough was when things were not as bad as they had been in the past.

 

:iagree: gosh that is so true.