ktgrok Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 He isn't mad, or sad, just depressed and stressed out. He was hoping to start looking for a better paying job around the time this baby will be due. Now he feels he needs to stay in his current job because of the good benefits and the amount of vacation time he gets, in case we need it after the baby comes. He feels he needs to shop for an additional life insurance policy because he has maxed out the one at work and figures another kid means we would need more money. (personally I think we have plenty of life insurance....4 times the value of the house if I remember correctly). He said last night, when it was obvious that his reaction wasn't ideal, that he "likes this kid, and he is sure he will like the new one." But this morning he woke up with a pained expression, didn't say two words, and left for work without eating the breakfast I made. (tip to husbands.....wives get annoyed when they make you a hot breakfast and you don't eat it!). I get that he is stressed. So am I. But this reaction is heartbreaking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: It may be worth looking at other jobs and just see what's out there. I hope he feels better soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jplain Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: Give him time. I bet he'll feel differently after the shock wears off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I'm sorry. One more child isn't going to cost that much more. Hopefully he'll relax soon. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 With each of my kids, my dh walked around dumbfounded until the first ultrasound when he saw the reality of it which always made him cry happy tears. Babies are a HUGE disruption no matter how welcome or wished for they are. You have hormones to help your body adjust. Husbands just get to panic and plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KS_ Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I think men look at the onset of pregnancy differently...not in any way wrong, just from a different angle. Every one of our pregnancies were planned but once hearing I was pregnant he would get a troubled look and try calculating the cost of all the things needed and how he had to adjust his life even though it was many months before the new one arrived. Give him time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry. I hope he comes home w/ a change of heart. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 He wants to be a good provider. That's nice. I'm so happy for you that you're blessed with another child! I'll bet that soon he will be happy, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 The day I found out I was pregnant with our youngest ds my husband got terrible news at work. He was so stressed about his job and I "surprised" him with a pregnancy test. My heart was really broken because I felt like he didn't want our baby. I have now come to understand how much pressure he felt for providing for this new baby. My husband adores our youngest ds (now almost 10 years old). As a woman I felt bonded to the babies as soon as I knew I was pregnant. It took my husband longer to have those feelings but they definitely came. I'm sure that is how your husband is feeling right now. Give him some time. God Bless, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 With each of my kids, my dh walked around dumbfounded until the first ultrasound when he saw the reality of it which always made him cry happy tears. Babies are a HUGE disruption no matter how welcome or wished for they are. You have hormones to help your body adjust. Husbands just get to panic and plan. LOL, that is it exactly. sigh, you are all right. I just kind of wish I could have that "happy suprised excited" husband you see in the commercials. His reaction to our daughter was a bit better...it was "Excuse me, WHAT?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 It was kind of the same with my dh. I could see the wheels in his head immediately turning...I assume he was thinking of finances, bedroom space, etc. Your hubby will melt at the first kick he can feel, I'm sure. Even though that is a ways off, just know that all of his thinking is his wanting to prepare your family, the best he can, for your new bundle. :grouphug: and congratulations to all of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry, but it will be OK. This may not be possible, but are you able to reassure him that he can still pursue his career goals? DH had hardly any time off work when I had my boys, and I coped fine. He'd just started a new job when I had DS12, my first, for which we moved house 400 miles when he was three weeks old - I coped (and I've always been quite a wimp :tongue_smilie:) He started another new job, again involving a house move, just before I had DS7. It wasn't easy for either of us, but it was the best choice for us as a family at the time, and we've survived to tell the tale :tongue_smilie:. New babies are such an amazing blessing, hopefully he just needs time for it all to sink in. :grouphug: again, and take good care of yourself. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sgo95 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: DH loves all our kids but he does feel the pressure of wanting to take care of them "right." I've always loved being pregnant (after the first trimester) but for DH it is an incredibly stressful time. In terms of a career change, we've changed jobs in the middle of a pregnancy before with no problems. Both jobs had health insurance and there were no hiccups with coverage so I don't see why your DH couldn't keep exploring other options to see if something better comes up. Btw, congratulations! :party: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acurtis75 Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Great advice so far. I agree that reassuring him about the work situation is key. If he has a few less days off in a new better job it will still work out. Plus, you can often negotiate those sorts of things on the front end. I kept telling my husband that there were 18 years worth of child rearing years ahead of him. I could handle a little extra duty the first few weeks. There was an annual church related conference around the time our daughter was due. It is something that dh always came home refreshed and renewed from and it really gave him a spiritual boost that lasted the entire year. When I was pregnant we discussed it and agreed that if the baby arrived before the conference that he would go, if not he would stay. He was hesitant about this especially because other men insisted that I really didn't mean it and if he left me at home with a week old baby I would never forgive him. Our daughter was born and he left 3 days later for 4 days. I'm happy to report that all he missed was dd and I napping and laying on the couch a lot and no one was permanently scarred from the experience. Also, I agree with your dh about the life insurance. If you can afford it, you should have enough to pay off the house, all other debt, fund college AND provide the equivalent of his income until your youngest is in college. This usually is somewhere between 8 and 12 times your annual income. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I'm sorry that his reaction wasn't ideal. He can still do what he wants to do. Putting things off for a few months really isn't that big of a deal. It isn't as if he can never switch jobs. It's just a brief delay and worth it! Give him time. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: I've been EXACTLY where you are right now. Give him some time, like everyone else said. Also, if you're telling IRL, tell people you're rather sure will be excited for you as soon as possible. We can be understanding about our dh's 'less than enthusiastic' initial reaction, but we also need people who will share in our current joy. Even if you're not 'telling' yet, maybe pick that one close sister/relative/friend that you know will keep the secret, but that also will be deliriously excited for you! (BTW, saw your announcement thread; CONGRATULATIONS! :D) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Men are visual creatures. We get blissed out at knowing the baby is in there, but men need to SEE the baby to really start the bonding process. Be patient, he'll come around. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: Mine wasn't thrilled about a new baby either. She's now daddy's little girl and she has him wrapped around her little finger (and she's only 9mos old!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: DH was always stressed during my pregnancies--the pressure to provide for his family, as well he never was as confident in homebirth as I was, and worried about my health and the baby's health(even if supported my decision to homebirth.) In a way it shows that he really cares. Now as I think about it, he was very excited about baby #1, somewhat worried about baby #2, and very stressed about the #3. He doesn't love them any less, of course. And he was always very excited when they were born! I remember venting about this when I was pregnant with #3, on some forum, and many virtual strangers told me they was excited for me. I remember this just not cutting it. :lol: Do you have real life friends who are excited for you? Try to absorb that positive energy and giddiness of a new life growing inside of you! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug:I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 With many years between your first two, he probably just didn't imagine that another was possible so soon. :) He probably thought #2 was a fluke. I agree that time is on your side. Tell your IRL friends who will be ecstatic for you, and go shopping for some tiny baby things. Don't avoid enjoying this just b/c he is slow to warm up to the idea. Be gooey and happy and daydreamy . . . while he is at work. :) When he gets home, make his favorite meals, have a family movie night (or whatever else relaxes him, lol), and just wait it out. He'll come around very soon. ((hugs)) and congrats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Try putting yourself in his shoes even though you are saddened by his initial reaction. As the sole breadwinner (assumption there), he probably is feeling overwhelmed about how he will provide for another child, especially in this shaky economy. His panic will subside with time as the two of you decide upon a plan of action. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Researcher Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: My Dh and I didn't talk for 3 months after I got pregnant with Dd6. To say it was horrible, is an understatement. But, we worked through it. He adores her. He puts her to bed every night, she finds him when everyone else is busy and they play games together-it's precious. He really adores her. (he does all of them, but to see how much he worked through with her is wonderful). So, :grouphug:. It will get better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldskool Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 My dh was never excited about pregnancies. Especially our third. He was also terrible the first month after they were born. But after that...he is such a fantastic dad and our 3rd dd (that he was particularly unhappy about) is his best friend and he says he cannot imagine not having her. I have concluded that he is a bad pregnancy/newborn dad and after that the best I could imagine. However, I do think it is hard when husbands feel that everything is poured into family life and their future/dreams/hopes get put on hold. I know that my dh always wanted to pursue his masters degree, but it hasn't happened yet. Because of homeschooling it also feels like we never move forward financially. I know these things weigh on my dh and I do feel bad about it. He has put everyone else ahead of himself. He would never say he is resentful, but sometimes I can see that he is frustrated. Anyways...that is our story. I am sure your dh will come around in time. There is nothing like holding and seeing new life. Congrats! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: Mine wasn't thrilled about a new baby either. She's now daddy's little girl and she has him wrapped around her little finger (and she's only 9mos old!). :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: I've been EXACTLY where you are right now. Give him some time, like everyone else said. Also, if you're telling IRL, tell people you're rather sure will be excited for you as soon as possible. We can be understanding about our dh's 'less than enthusiastic' initial reaction, but we also need people who will share in our current joy. Even if you're not 'telling' yet, maybe pick that one close sister/relative/friend that you know will keep the secret, but that also will be deliriously excited for you! (BTW, saw your announcement thread; CONGRATULATIONS! :D) Thanks, I did actually tell several people before him, because I needed the moral support, the boost, in order to tell him, as I knew what his reaction would be. My best friend is very happy for me, and TTC herself, so maybe we can be pregnant together, although she is several hours away. And some friends from ICAN who are amazing at talking me through what I need to think about, do, etc. And, my midwife's assistant/student midwife from my daughter's birth is calling me soon, she may have some more ideas for me. I think she will be licensed herself by the time the baby is born, but that would leave me without prenatal care, which I definitely want and need. So I'm not sure what she is going to tell me, but I'm anxious to hear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Thanks everyone! I really do understand his feelings, I just wish he wasn't so Debbie Downer, lol. In good news, my midwife's assistant/student said she will be licensed by then, and suggested doing prenatal care with the midwife I had wanted to use, then using her, the newly licensed one, for the birth. I like this idea if it works out, but need to see if dh is ok using the "less experienced' option. She has been a doula for a long time, and attended LOTS of births, but she will be newly graduated so it isn't really the same. Not sure if that is the best option, or going with the other midwife I haven't met. I don't like some of what i've read on her blog as far as interventions ("naturally" inducing for suspected big baby, then being happy they "trusted the process" rather than doing a c-section. Trusting the process means NOT inducing. ugh.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Agreeing with all the others AND I bet he will be extra happy when this little one and your second form that special, close-in-age sibling bond. It will be really cool to watch, having had the first two so far apart. (I'm sure they're bonded, too, it's just different when they play with the same things, take baths together, etc.) I'm sorry this leg of the adjustment is hard... I hope it passes quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I'm sorry. :grouphug: I'm sure he'll come around. My dh is a planner/provider and he would probably be initially overwhelmed at a surprise like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Give him time. We do life insurance for 10X dh's salary per Dave Ramsey's advice. We max out the work one and then get term life on the outside. We pay more than the average for it due dh's health. Have him start looking for a job now if he wants. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Thanks everyone! I really do understand his feelings, I just wish he wasn't so Debbie Downer, lol. In good news, my midwife's assistant/student said she will be licensed by then, and suggested doing prenatal care with the midwife I had wanted to use, then using her, the newly licensed one, for the birth. I like this idea if it works out, but need to see if dh is ok using the "less experienced' option. She has been a doula for a long time, and attended LOTS of births, but she will be newly graduated so it isn't really the same. Not sure if that is the best option, or going with the other midwife I haven't met. I don't like some of what i've read on her blog as far as interventions ("naturally" inducing for suspected big baby, then being happy they "trusted the process" rather than doing a c-section. Trusting the process means NOT inducing. ugh.) I would only agree to a new midwife IF she has a backup with her just in case. My second birth was with a brand new midwife and I will be forever grateful her preceptor was there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 When I told dh about our first son, he was dang near catatonic for 4 days. Like he didn't say a word to me. He just walked around like he was in a fog. It scared me so badly! We had just moved into our first house; he had a new job. I was plugging along at mine. We were not ready for this! He came around. At least, he feigned enthusiasm until he could actually feel it. Hang in there. He'll come around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 He wants to be a good provider. That's nice. I'm so happy for you that you're blessed with another child! I'll bet that soon he will be happy, too. Exactly. He is stressing out over another child and men are problem solvers by nature. Most likely he does not like where he works either and may feel trapped? But in time, hopefully he can transfer or branch out to another job that he enjoys. Will the company consider paying for college classes for him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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